Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 5 - Golf - full transcript

- Golf again?

I could walk through
here naked.

You wouldn't even notice.

- You're not tiger woods.

21 years old.

You know,
he started when he was three.

- I should have
been out there when I was three.

What the hell was I thinking?

Unbelievable.

- He's amazing.
- Oh, man.

- What is that,
three wins already this year?



- That's four.
That's four.

- Where he always goes--
to hug his father, you idiot.

- All right,
take it easy.

- An embrace
with his father earl.

An emotional moment here.

Father and son.

Quite powerful.

- Got to check the car.
- Yeah.

Do you want a soda?
- Yeah.

- All right.

- Ray, did you check
michael's diaper?

- I think he's okay.

- Man, I don't even
think I could pass that test.

- Oh, man, it's hard
to watch golf



'cause I just want
to get out there and play.

- I know, me too.

- Hmm.

- Let's go.
Let's go tomorrow.

- No, no, I can't tell debra
I want to go golfing now.

I just got back
from five days on the road.

- Just see what she says, ray.

- No, I'll get in trouble
just for asking.

I'm not even gonna try.

You know what we could do?

If you ask me in front of her

As if you're asking me
for the first time, right,

And then
I'll turn you down.

She'll think that
I'm being thoughtful, you know,

And then we just hope
santa takes the cookies.

- Oh, yeah, I like it.

Let's do it.
Let's try it.

- As soon as she comes down,
we'll do it.

Sit.
Don't--

Look normal.
Don't do anything.

Are you gonna put your foot up?

- I don't have to.

- No, you put yours up.

Put the popcorn here.

Soon as she comes down.

- You want me to make a noise?

- What do you mean,
"make a noise"?

She's not geese.

Just relax.

- Supposed to be nice
tomorrow, ray.

- Oh, yeah?

I heard.

- Hey, we should go golfing.

- Yeah, tomorrow?

No, no, I just got back
from the road.

I want to be home.

[groans]

Good to be home.

- Come on,
we'll go to westchester.

They just resodded.

- Did they?
Did they resod that?

- New grass.

- Oh, man, sounds great,
but I can't.

I can't go golfing.

- No, no, no,
I'm reading that.

- Oh, sorry.

So I can't, kevin.

Maybe some other time.

- Some other time
we might not get out for free.

- Free?

- My buddy mike, he works down
at the pro shop.

He can comp us.

You know, save us 100 bucks.

- It's not about the money.

I've been gone for a week.

Nah, I can't.

- I think you should go, ray.

- Nah...

Yeah?

I just got back
from the road.

I want to--
yeah?

- Well...

You know, I mean,
if you guys can save 100 bucks,

Then, yeah, go,

But then maybe you could
lay off the golf

For a while after that, okay?

- Okay.

Playing golf,
golf on tv, computer golf.

Dorf on golf.

- Of course.

Of course, I don't--

Kevin.

- We're in.

- Yeah, but what are you doing
saying it's for free?

- Ray, it wasn't working.
I had to add a little sauce.

Hey, what's the difference?
We're going golfing.

- We are.
I know.

- No, I knew it was
going to work.

- You're choking me.

Whoa!

I got to take a shower.

I smell like the winner.

- I didn't have
my best game out there.

- Yeah, well, that happens.

You know, robert,

You can't curse
that loud on a golf course.

- Yep, you're right.

It's just a game.

You know, it's just--

Come on!

Sorry.

- Hey, hey, you guys
want to play another nine?

- I'm ready.

- Let's go!

- Don't you have
to go home?

- Oh, I--
uh, I should.

Debra's waiting.

But you know what?
We're so early.

If we hurry up--
we stop talking--

We can get nine more in,

And she won't know
the difference.

- I'm gonna need some tees.
I need some tees.

- Okay, I just need
five more balls.

- Yeah, well, stop taking them
from my bag.

- I'll give them to you.

- I'm feeling, like,
flushed all of a sudden.

- No, let's go.
Let's go.

- No, I mean I'm, like,
a little jumpy here.

- Yeah, me too. Come on.
Let's get out there.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I'm not feeling right here.

- Well, what is it, raymond?

- I don't know.

Something's going on here.

- You have any tingling
in your left arm

Or chest pains?

- Uh-uh.

- Well, it's not a heart attack.

- All right,
let's get going then.

- Back up a little, will you?
Back up.

Come on, give me room.
Give me room.

- How far do you want us to go?

- I'm--I'm feeling
crowded in here.

- Ray, relax.
You just got to relax.

- Would you shut up
for a second?

- Get him some water.

- Make it a ginger ale!

- Yeah, I'm gonna need
a dollar.

- Hey, ray, have a seat.

- Oh, boy.

What's that supposed to mean?

- It means
you're welcome to sit.

Let's see.

Your ekg's fine.

Blood pressure is fine.

Hey, did I see your brother
robert in the waiting room?

- Yeah.

- How are his feet doing?

Have they cleared up yet?

- It's been a while since
I've seen his feet, really.

- I'll tell you,

That was an uphill battle.

Anyway, ray,
from what I see here,

You're in good health.

I think it was nothing more
than a little anxiety.

- Oh, man, is that it?

What did I have,
an anxiety attack?

- I prefer to call it
an episode.

Robert's feet was an attack.

Ray, your mind is like,

For lack of a better word,

A donkey.

You can only throw so many bags
on its back

Before it lies down
and won't get up.

- Right.

- Right,

So you got to relieve
some of that stress.

Do things that relax you.

What do you enjoy doing?

- Well, I--

I like to golf.

- Well, then, by all means,
get out there

And play as much golf
as you can.

- Well, wait a minute.

Wait, that's where
this episode happened.

- Oh, that could have
happened anywhere.

You've been on the road a lot.

You've got a wife,
three kids,

Parents across the street.

This was a long time coming.

Play some golf.

- Wait, so--

So I have to go home

And tell my wife

That I need to play more golf?

- Doctor's orders.

- [chuckles]

Okay.

Would I see a podiatrist
or a proctologist

To get a foot
removed from my ass?

- What the hell?

Who's throwing
chicken bones in here?

Holy crap.

- Oh...

Time-out for grandpa.

- Frank, do you have to curse?

- Do you want it fixed?

Bastard chicken bones!

I need my frigging
needlenose.

Bones in the garbage!

- So it must have
been a good game.

You're two hours late.

- Yeah, well,

Something strange happened.

- Really.
What?

- After golfing, uh,

We were in the locker room,

And I got this weird feeling.

- Oh, ray, you are not gay.

- No, I know,
you told me,

But this was something else.

We--

You know, we just--

We had finished golfing--

- Raymond, are you okay?

Your brother told me
what happened.

- "what happened"?

- Tell me
what dr. Sundram said.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.
Doctor?

- I went to the doctor
on the way home.

He said it was nothing more
than stress.

That's all.

- Hey, I need some room
to work here.

- Frank,
raymond had an attack today.

- Mom, stop,
it was nothing.

It was anxiety.
That's all.

- An anxiety attack?
Give me a break.

Everyone's having those
nowadays.

It's hip.

- That's not funny, frank.

Our son has mental problems.

- Listen, can I just
talk to ray, please?

- Hey, you tell debra
about the doctor yet?

- Yeah, you tell her
what he recommended for you?

- What?

- Nothing, nothing,
he just--

He said--the doctor said
I need to relax.

That's all.

Could you go?

Could you guys go,
really?

- All right,
I'm hungry anyway.

Come on, marie.

- No, feed yourself.

My son needs me.

- Ah, cut the cord.

- Ma, please, just go.

Go with dad.

It's okay.
I'm fine.

- All right. All right.

Only if you promise me

To do exactly
what the doctor said.

- I will.
Please go.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay, so--
so what did the doctor say?

What are you
supposed to--

Robert, are you staying with us
for dinner?

- No, no,
amy's taking me out.

Someplace called jozu.

- Oh, that japanese place.

- Japanese?

They make you take
your shoes off?

- Yes.

- I got to make a call.

- So he told you to relax, huh?

Are you gonna listen to him?

- I think so.
Yes.

- So what did he
tell you to do?

Like, you're supposed to
take time off from work or--

- No, no, no, no.

Uh, he actually said

What he thought
would help me

Was if I played more golf.

- [laughs]

Dr. Sundram said,
"play more golf"?

- I have a note.

- He wrote you a note.

- I knew you wouldn't
believe it, so I went back,

And I asked him
to write it down.

- "more golf."

I mean, I could get
a second opinion.

- No, no, no, uh--

I think that's
what you should do.

- You do?

- Yeah, I mean, you know,

It is really stressful
around here,

And, uh, if playing golf
makes you feel better,

Then play golf.

- Hmm.

Wow!

You're very nice.

- Well, honey, I mean, gosh,
I want you to be okay.

Listen, I'll just take care
of the kids, all right,

And you sit here
before dinner and take it easy.

And guess what,
I made you some lemon chicken.

- Hi, debra.

- Hi, marie.

- The kids in school?

- Yeah, yeah,

I got, like, half an hour
to get everything done

Before I have
to go pick them up.

- Uh-huh.
Where's ray?

- Oh, he's, uh, out golfing.

- Oh, that's good.

- Yeah.

- I'm worried about you, though.

[bell dings]

Are you okay, honey?

I mean, you look
a little drained.

- Oh, you know,
I'm just a little tired.

That's all.

- Well, why don't you
sit down?

- Well, I really can't,

- Yeah, you can sit right down
here for just a second.

Just for a minute.

- Thanks.

- Listen, I know this has been
hard on you, honey,

And you're doing everything
you can for raymond,

But maybe the way
you can help him relax

Is very simple.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I couldn't help
wondering, dear,

Are you making yourself
available to him?

You know
what I'm talking about?

- Please, marie!

- Listen, you know raymond
doesn't like to ask for things.

- Do we have
to talk about this?

- I'm just trying to help.

- Marie, you know,
I didn't say anything

When you told me how ray liked
his underwear folded,

But this is over the line.

- Well, I'm sorry,
but raymond needs your help.

Debra, you--

Have a glass of wine
first.

- Come on, ray,
you didn't lose a bet.

You paid for a lesson.

Hey, way to go, robert.

You didn't curse once today.

- Yeah, I'm getting better.

Loser!

- Hey, let's play nine more.

- I'm in.

- No, I don't want to.

- Well, what do you mean?

- I just--
I don't feel like playing.

- Oh, no,
you're freaking out again?

- Look,
I had that anxiety attack

Because I tricked debra, okay?

And now I'm getting
this free ride out of it

That I don't deserve.

I'm going home.

- Just nine more.

- Don't you see me out there?

I'm not enjoying the game.

- You're not keeping
your head down.

- Look, it's enough already.

I have to talk to debra.

- You want to play
just you and me?

- Okay, but you got to
give me more strokes.

- Why, are you tired?

- Nah, think my hand's broken.

- Deb, I'm home.

Deb, where are you?

- I'm up here.

In the bedroom.

- Where are the kids?

- They're at linda's house.

- Good.
Come down, will you?

I want to talk to you.

- I think you might
want to come up.

- It's 3:00.

This can't be sex.

Come down, will you?

- All right, but I'll have
to put clothes on.

- Coming up.

Wow!

That was really,
really nice.

- So, yeah, it wasn't
a bad day for you, huh?

This and golf.

- Oh, yeah, golf.

Yeah, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about before.

- Okay, so tell me now.

- Okay.

Uh...

You know the other day
when I had that episode?

- Yes, you poor baby.

- Yeah.

I don't think it was because
I need to play more golf.

I think it was because
I was feeling guilty

About tricking you
into letting me play golf.

- What are you talking about?

I told you to go.

- No, no, no, no.

No, you only thought
that you did.

- Ray, come on,
I was there when I said it.

- Yeah, it was...

Kind of a con job.
It was funny.

- What?

- Yeah, well,
it was the whole

Kevin asking me
in front of you,

Me turning him down.

We kind of played you.

Sorry.

- So what about
the doctor's note

Where he tells you
to play golf forever?

- That was real.

- So when you told the doctor

That you tricked me

Into letting you play golf,

He recommended more golf?

- I might have left out
the tricking part.

- Really?

- I was going to tell him--
- yeah.

- But then
when he prescribed golf,

I kind of forgot.

- You forgot.

You lied to me,

And then, because you
feel bad about it,

I have to make sure
that you relax.

- Well, I mean, I never meant
for that to happen.

- You have some nerve.

- I know, I know.

- Oh, don't get
too overworked, ray.

Oh, let ray relax.

He just had an episode.

- Look, I never thought that--

- Oh, my god!

What about me, ray, huh?

When do I get
to have an episode?

I think I deserve
an episode, huh?

When do I get
to have my little--

[flutters tongue]

- Wait a minute, all right?

You're making fun
of an illness now.

- What else was a trick?

- Nothing!

- Your mother coming over here
to tell me to have sex with you?

- What?

- Yep.

This is what
I have to put up with

While you're off
playing golf.

Your mother coming over here
and telling me

It'll help you relax if I
make myself available to you.

- Oh, my god, did you just
have sex with me

Because my mother told you to?

Eww!

Oh, how sick is that?

- Very.

- I'm thinking
of my mother now!

- Ewww!
- Ewww!

How could you
listen to her?

- Because I love you, ray.

I care about you.

To play golf
to get away from me.

- You don't think
I care about you.

Why do you think
I'm confessing?

Don't you see?
I feel guilty.

Guilt!
Guilt!

That means love.

Huh?

I had to come home and confess.

- Yeah, but you waited
until after we had sex.

- Well,
you're very good-looking!

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm never gonna
play golf again.

- Oh, yes, you will.

- I know I will.

Not as much.

I promise and--

Only if I know it doesn't
take anything away from us.

Ever.

Really.

I mean it.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Okay.

Idiot.

- I know.
I know.

Look, if you ever need time
to take for yourself,

I want you to do it.

Is find something
fun to do together.

- You know,
we should play golf together.

- Yeah.

That would be relaxing.

You're set, right?

- Yeah. Yep.

- Come on, ray,

We only got two hours
till tee time.

- You know it's going
to rain today, don't you?

- Oh, yeah?