Escape to the Chateau DIY (2018–2021): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Pethericks 1 - full transcript
Dick: This is me
Dick Strawbridge,
my wife Angel,
and our two children
in our glorious French chateau.
We haven't ever regretted
what we've done.
It is so worth it.
Dick, voice-over: We moved here
3 years ago
to follow our dream
of living life
in our very own castle.
Angel: Ha ha ha! Oh, my God!
Dick, voice-over: But it's not
been easy...
Angel: Baby, really, ah.
You're so strong.
Dick, voice-over: as dozens
of other Brits know
only too well...
Oops! Floor needs
replacing, as well. Ha ha ha!
Dick, voice-over: because it
turns out we're not
the only expats who have bought
a French chateau.
Wow! Absolutely love it.
Jonathan: 25-year old Bordeaux.
Motherlode!
Dick, voice-over: In this
series, we'll reveal
how we're running our chateau
as a business...
There's not a thing
about making sausage
that I don't find humorous.
Angel: I'm still finding
things that I haven't seen.
Dick, voice-over: and see how
these daring Brits
are running theirs...
Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This place is done up.
Dick, voice-over: as they face
the ups...
Really beautiful.
This is a rare moment,
but I am genuinely at peace.
Dick, voice-over: and downs...
Philip: Um, it's a lot worse
than it looks.
Dick, voice-over:
of their new lives
in these crumbling
and magnificent buildings.
Man: It is a bit of a fantasy
living in a French chateau.
We might have a few problems
on the way,
but that's part of life,
isn't it?
- Ha ha ha!
- Yeah.
Dick, voice-over: Today, a trio
of chateau rookies
are trying to fix
one of their chimneys...
Woman: I'm not sure the smoke
is supposed to
come out of the sides
of the chimney.
Dick, voice-over:
without much success.
Man: They've managed to get
through to the chimney breast,
but it's the wrong one.
Dick, voice-over: The owners
of this luxury chateau hotel
need to win over the locals...
Man: Lots of anti-us
in the press.
We've had protestors,
all sorts.
Dick, voice-over: but their
efforts to drum up
much needed new business
don't go to plan...
Man: Only 8 people here.
There's more suppliers
and more staff
than there are customers.
Dick, voice-over: and at our
fairytale chateau,
I get down and dirty
building an outdoor toilet.
I think I'm a bit
too old or this.
In northwest France,
some young twentysomething
chateau owners are
at the very start
of their journey.
This is Chateau
de la Basmaignée.
Built in the 18th century,
this beauty
has 6 floors and 40 rooms,
22 of them bedrooms,
set in more than 60 acres
of park and woodland.
The lord and lady of this manor
25-year-old Gwendoline
from France
and her 28-year-old fiancé
Billy, originally from London.
Billy: I moved over here
about 6 years--
my parents were already
living here,
and I thought, "Oh,
I'll give I a try," you know,
and I did a bit of work,
and when we met,
it all changed, didn't it?
Gwendoline: Yeah.
Billy: It is a bit
of a fantasy, yeah.
Living in a French chateau has
always been a bit of a dream.
Dick: That dream has brought
them here
to the Pays de la Loire region,
and Billy's older brother
Michael moved in, too.
The 3 of them have big plans
for the castle.
Gwendoline: We want to have
bedrooms in the chateau
for B&B and have people
hosting weddings
or seminars here.
Dick: But that dream is
a long way off
because none of them have done
anything like this before,
and they've got a hell
of a lot of work to do.
The place has no electrics,
no hot water,
leaking walls and ceilings,
and 90 rotten windows
that need replacing.
Basically, we've decided
to do most of the works
ourselves, you know,
with our own skills and stuff,
so together, I think
we can make it work.
Dick: I've got to admire
their confidence.
Until they're up and running,
the young couple and Michael
are living in the only
habitable building
on the estate, the guest house
that used to be
the servants' quarters.
Gwendoline: Everyone keeps
saying to us,
"Oh, you're living
the chateau life and all,"
but not really at the moment.
It's more like domestic
over chateau life
or, like, how do you call them
in "Downton Abbey"--
the servants or whatever.
That's what we are like.
Billy: The reason why we're
not living the in the chateau
at the moment is because
basically it's uninhabitable
because there's
no bedrooms ready,
there's no electrics
in some of the rooms,
there's no heating,
there's no running water.
It's--well, the list
is endless really,
so we can't really move in
just yet.
Dick: Well, they did only
just get the keys to this place
4 weeks ago,
bought for a pretty hefty
1,000,050 Euros
with money inherited
by Gwendoline.
Gwendoline: I lost my mum
almost two years ago now,
and she left me
a bit of inheritance.
I thought it would be nice
to make a good life for us,
to prepare the future
because she left me something,
so I think we should use it
to leave something
to our children one day.
I know she would have
liked this place.
Dick: They've barely
settled in,
but they're not wasting time
when it comes to getting
the business started.
In just 3 weeks' time,
their first customers,
a party of 14,
are due to arrive
for a weekend break
at the guest house.
Gwendoline: It is important
to get ready
because this is our first lot
of guests,
and this is the first
really income
that we are gonna have
since we moved here,
and we do need to get money
in order to live
and keep restoring the chateau.
I'm a bit stressed
an anxious.
The boys have a lot to do.
They need to get on with it
and work
from dawn to the end
of the day every day.
Dick: One of the most
immediate jobs
for Billy and Michael
is getting the chateau
a working kitchen.
Billy: We're on a bit
of a tight schedule
because the kitchen bloke's
coming in a week.
Dick: Today, they're putting
up the covings.
It smells like...
a dirty, old kipper.
Ha ha ha!
There is a sort of sense
of satisfaction,
isn't there, Michael,
when you do the work yourself.
Michael: You know, after
a while, you've got
all of these skills
that you didn't have before.
Gwendoline: The windows--
well, one window's done.
Michael: Yeah.
One window's done.
We've still got to do
second coats
on all of the blue woodwork.
Gwendoline: How long
is that gonna take?
Give us a bit of time.
Dick: But for Gwendoline,
there's something
even more important
than sorting out the kitchen
before they can move in.
Gwendoline: I'm freezing.
It is freezing in here.
Dick: Like a lot
of these old chateaus,
the main heating system is
run on heating oil.
For the past month,
they've only had it on
for a couple of hours
each day
to help dry out
some of the damp,
but that's cost £600 in oil.
What was the level
when we had it filled up?
- It as right near the top here.
- All right.
That was about 2,000 liters,
and it's gone down, well--
Gwendoline: More than half.
Billy: More than half.
Gwendoline: In a month.
Billy: In a month,
so we really got to get it--
find another way of heating
the place.
How much is that in a month?
That's, um...
that's quite a lot of money.
- 700 Euros.
- Yeah.
Well, can't keep going
like that, Billy.
- No.
- Yeah. We need to find
another way to heat the house.
Dick: If they were to have
it on full-time,
I reckon that the monthly bill
could easily double
to well over £1,000.
Billy: At the moment,
money's a bit tight
because all the work
that's going on,
so we need to do something else.
Dick: But there's something
in the basement
that could be the answer
to their problem.
So why can't we use that?
It uses wood, right?
Billy: Yep.
Dick: The question is
is there life
in the old wood burner yet?
We can't just spend 1,500 Euros
each month on heating.
It's, like, impossible.
We couldn't afford that.
We'd be out of here
in 3 month.
So, yeah, we need that to work.
We really do.
Dick: One thing we've learned
about running a chateau
is it's all about
clever shortcuts
and cost-saving plans.
At our place,
in the Pays de la Loire,
we host weddings
in our orangery,
but it's a 400-meter round trip
to the nearest loo
in the chateau.
The challenge--to save our
guests a long walk for a wee.
I think I'm a bit too old
for this.
Dick, voice-over: A task that's
made even trickier
when there's no
mains water nearby.
There's going to be
a compost loo
and a urinal here.
I want to go down probably
two feet.
I knew
all that trench digging
in my old army days
would come in handy,
but this isn't any old hole
in the ground.
Human beings are retromingent,
which means when we sit down
we pee forward,
so I have to build a splash
plate to capture the urine
and take it off to the side
because I do not want
the hole full of poo to be wet,
and that's very important.
This stops the two things you
definitely don't want
in an outdoor loo--
odor and attracting flies.
When I was training
to go to Sandhurst, '78,
I wanted to go and join a gym
and work out,
do all sorts of gymmy stuff,
become musclebound,
and my old man said to me,
"No, Richard
All you're gonna do
is dig the garden."
So I dug the garden
for a summer
and got quite ripped,
so never mind fancy gyms.
Build a compost loo.
[Exhales]
Muscles tested
and trench dug,
next the hole needs to be lined
and shored up at the sides.
What I want to do is
just stop anything
getting into what is going to be
my compost pit,
and that includes the rats,
so I'm going to be putting
chicken wire in there to stop
them from getting through,
but I'm just shuttering
the edges basically.
I'm putting wood against
so nothing falls in on it.
We may be talking
peeing in the woods,
but we still need some privacy.
Man: This is like a mobile home.
Dick: Yeah.
I got the grunt,
you got the finesse.
Ha ha ha! We're in.
Here we are.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
The more ridiculous the better.
Fit for a king or queen
or bride and groom
and ready for its throne.
This loo seat is made
for a conventional toilet,
and if you look at it
from the side,
see those gaps that we have
to let the air in?
We're gonna get rid of those.
Gonna take these bits
of plastic off,
screw this all the way down.
We're gonna put a seal
around this
with a little bit of foam,
and so when this shuts down,
there are no air gaps,
and the reason we have that is
we don't want flies
coming in and going in
and out of this place.
This is to be a fly-free zone.
Right.
So that's
the sit-down element of the loo.
Over to Angel, her dad,
and the kids...
Angel's dad: Which one
do you like?
Dorothy: I like that!
Arthur: I like that one!
Dick, voice-over: to bag
a urinal
at the reclamation yard.
Angel: Aha! Mummy's found
what Daddy's sent us to find.
Look. This is the one.
Dick sent me down today
to look for a urinal.
Oh, the glamor, I know,
but we saw this
a year and a half ago.
Asked if we should have
bought it then,
but, you know, we didn't
really quite have
a place for it,
so I'm so glad it's here today.
[Speaking French]
[Woman speaking French]
I think that's 100, isn't it?
[Woman speaking French]
Angel: What's 80 Euros?
Da, da, da, da.
We just spoke French.
I remember--ha ha ha--
last year it was 80 Euros, no?
- 80?
- Oui? Huh?
Perhaps.
If you want 80.
Super. Good.
Dick: In the heart
of the world famous
wine region of Burgundy
25 miles west of Dijon lies
the 900-year-old
Abbaye de la Bussiere,
a home and place of worship
for monks
since the Middle Ages,
but these days,
it's a luxury hotel run
by English couple
Clive and Tanith Cummings.
Clive: And once we saw it,
we're like, "Wow!
What a place this could make."
Dick: It's a thing of beauty--
20 luxury bedrooms plus
a Michelin-starred restaurant
in the abbey's former cloister.
Tanith: We have real
ups and downs,
but, you know, we're still here.
Dick: Even though
a one-night stay in this place
will set you back
around £200
and a meal for two £170,
Clive and Tanith aren't
pulling in enough pennies.
Tanith: We've had a couple
of years we've made
a little bit of profit,
but it's still
very much a work in progress.
Dick: This year, they're
desperate to develop
the business and bring in
more income,
and there's one market
they haven't yet tapped into,
but there's a problem.
Clive: A lot of the local
perception is that
this is a Michelin-star
posh property.
And when we first came,
the abbey was open
to the public,
and les Anglais arrived,
and we shut the place down,
and they got upset.
They thought we were creating
a paradise for playboys,
and we said, "Look. We're
just making it a nice hotel,"
and we had a massive boycott.
Lots of anti-us in the press.
We had protestors, all sorts.
Dick: So today, Clive's
organized an open day
designed specifically to
woo the locals
and make a bit of money
with a 5-Euro entrance fee.
Clive: We're hoping
for 300, 400.
You just don't know.
It could be a complete
and utter disaster
and we only have
50 or 60 people.
If that's the case,
we've got a lot
of wine and cheese to eat.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: Clive's invited dozens
or regional
food and wine suppliers,
who'll be setting up stalls
on this lawn to showcase
their wares.
Clive: A bit
carelessly balanced.
Dick: Everything's set up,
everyone is ready,
but the success
of Clive's event relies
on two things he can't
really control--
a decent number of guests
turning up
and decent weather.
Every time I put these out,
it rains,
so we shall see what happens.
[Thunder]
Dick: For us, running
a chateau business
is all about making
your guests comfortable,
even if that means building
a toilet from scratch
using a garden shed.
The ergonomics
of pooping in the woods.
With 20 years in the military,
you spend an awful lot of time
finding a comfy place to pool.
This is just so luxurious,
it's not even worth
thinking about.
OK. It's just a regular shed,
so the floor need to be adapted
to fit over the poo pit
and a frame built
for the seat.
Hello, gorgeous.
Angel: Oh, it's a proper like
enchanted forest...
- It's a proper toilet.
- Pee, isn't it? Ha ha!
- I love it.
- Right.
- This is the loo capability.
- Yeah, yeah.
Here on this side is going
to be a urinal capability.
Right. Is that gonna have
any sort of, like, privacy?
Yeah. Picture
the urinal there.
Picture the wall--it's gonna be
tall enough
so no man's head
can be seen, yeah,
so here--so they come
through here, pee here,
and the urine, wee-wee,
comes around here.
Angel: Stuff from the compost
loo go in there, as well?
Dick: The pee from
the compost loo
goes here, as well.
Right. Mm-hmm.
- This is the sit-down loo.
- Yeah.
And kind of washing the hands.
We're just gonna have to have
a, um--
Dick: All that sanitizing stuff
you got.
We'll just put a little shelf
in there with the sanitizer
and things in there, yeah?
Angel: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: I'm gonna continue
- making my...
- All right, baby.
She didn't ask for it to move.
That's a tick.
Not too bad.
With forewoman Angel happy,
time to finish this bad boy.
That's good.
Dick, voice-over:
Urinal installation
and a seat in the cubicle.
Hmm. It's nice.
Voila! All ready
for our wedding guests
and better
than any camping loo
if I do say so myself.
Just 30 miles away
from our place,
engaged couple Billy
and Gwendoline
and Billy's bother Michael
are just 4 weeks
into the start
of their chateau journey,
and they're learning that
there's a ton
of work ahead of them.
They're desperate to get
a disused wood burner
up and running to save cash,
but they've no idea when it was
last fired up.
Billy: There's a receipt here
from, um, 1988,
and it was just...
[Speaks French]
which is just a service,
routine service.
A bit of very old kit
if it was--
if I found a receipt
from 1988.
That was the year I was born,
so very interesting.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: It's still nearly
30 years younger than me,
and I'm going strong.
Billy: We don't know if it's
going to run all right
or if it's even gonna
heat the house.
Gwendoline: Are you sure
it's not gonna make
everything explode?
Dick: It's connected to one
of the chateau's 11 chimneys.
Gwendoline: If we're gonna
switch on this wood burner,
we need to make sure
the chimneys are cleared.
If there's any blockage in there
or anything,
it could be a fire hazard.
Dick: So Gwendoline's called
in a couple
of local chimney sweeps,
who've agreed
to do the job for just 60 Euros.
Starting from the roof,
the men begin
by checking for blockages,
and after an hour,
they find an obstruction
about halfway down
the 25-meter-tall chimney.
Michael: The chimney's so
badly blocked there,
honestly, from the top
to the bottom,
they can't get the blockage out.
Dick: There's no choice
but to try and get
to the blockage
through the wall.
[Hammering]
Michael: We'll, they've been
trying to bash
their way through
this chimney breast
for about 15, 20 minutes,
but at least you know
the house is strong.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: That's one way
to look at it.
French chateaus tend to have
very thick, solid walls.
These are about a foot deep.
Michael: The thing is
the chimney breast
is solid granite, so it's
not easy to knock through.
Dick: After almost an hour,
the men are finally through,
but there's no sign
of a blockage.
Please don't tell me they've
done what I think they've done.
Michael: They've managed
to get through
to the chimney breast,
but it's the wrong one.
Dick: That's what you get
for 60 Euros.
Michael: There's two
chimney breasts side by side,
and the blockage is
in the other one,
so now what they've got to
do is they've got to
knock through
to the other chimney breast.
Dick: A quick recalculation,
and it's time for take two.
After another half-hour
and a lot of mess,
the men are through again.
Michael: Yeah. They've got
the right hole this time.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: And the mystery
of the blockage is revealed,
a 30-year buildup
of old pigeons' nests.
With the chimney now cleared,
they can start up
the old wood burner,
but will the ancient piece
of kit work,
or will their dreams of saving
pennies go up in smoke?
Back in the Burgundy region
of eastern France,
Clive and Tanith need to
bring in more money
to their luxury chateau hotel.
Their plan--to get
more locals through the door,
so Clive's throwing an open day
to try and tempt them.
He was worried the weather
could make it a washout,
but it's the turnout
or lack of that's he problem.
Clive: 2:20,
and only 8 people here,
so, uh, let's see.
There's more suppliers
and more staff
than there are customers,
but the afternoon is young.
They're all probably having
their lunch still.
This is France.
Lunch is very important.
Dick: Whilst Clive keeps
his fingers crossed
for some more guests
and no rain,
inside, hotel life is
carrying on as normal.
Tonight, Tanith has got
8 new reservations at the hotel,
all expecting
that luxury experience.
Tanith: Every little detail
is quite important really,
so you just need to be aware
of everything,
so the cushions from the window,
from where you've left
the remote control,
to the pad and pen
by the tables.
We get all our laundry
from England,
and we also use
really good quality towels.
They've got to be
fluffy, you know,
they've got to be big
and fluffy towels.
This one's good to go I think.
Just needs some water,
but everything else is ready.
Dick: The flood
of local visitors armed
with wads of cash
hasn't arrived.
Clive: Bonjour.
20 people so far,
so just another...
Dick: The other 450 or so
guests must be
just around the corner.
Clive: Empty road.
I want to see a whole line
of cars snaking up
with lots of people in it,
and then I'll be happy.
Here we go hopefully.
Oui. Non. Bonjour.
Woman: Bonjour! Ha ha ha!
Clive: She didn't smile,
did she?
Dick: But today's not just
about selling the hotel
to the locals.
The world-renowned
British sculptor Paul Day lives
just a few miles away.
Look at this guy.
Dick: And Clive's invited
him over to set up
a stall selling signed copies
of his new book.
Clive: Bonjour, monsieur.
Paul: Hi. How are you?
Clive: I'm very well.
How are you?
Dick: Clive and Tanith have
several of Paul's sculptures
in the abbey grounds,
including these 3 life-sized
bronze bulls.
They've been on loan here
for a year,
and tomorrow, Paul's
taking them back.
Paul: These are going to be
moved to an exhibition
I'm having in Beaune,
our local town.
I think they look perfect here,
and I'm actually surprised
that Mr. Cummings hasn't made
me an offer on them,
but I know how tight he is,
you know, so frankly,
I don't hold down
much hope there.
Dick: It's now an hour
into the event,
and to Clive's relief,
there's finally
a steady stream of guests
making their way
into the grounds
for the abbey's big day.
Clive: I'd say there's
a couple hundred people
here now, so very pleased
with that.
Let's hope we have another
200 or 300 coming
through the door.
We'll see.
Another two coming in. Yeah.
Lots of local faces,
which is really nice,
and they see the transformation
of the building,
they see the investment
that we have put in,
and as I say to them,
it's the paying customer
like them are the people
that help me
to continue
with the renovation work,
and so they're very pleased
that they see it
being spent on this
and non fast cars.
[Thunder]
Dick: It looks like Clive's
weather prediction
has come true.
Clive: I said my red cushions
were an invitation
for it to rain,
and it took 3 hours.
Fantastic.
Il pleut comme de vache pisse.
In French, that means it's
raining like cow's wee.
Dick: But luckily, Mother Nature
has intervened
at the perfect moment.
Just as we want people
to go home...
- It hails.
- It's hailing,
and so, no, we've had
a perfect day.
Dick: The weather held up
long enough
for everyone to enjoy
the chateau
and make some money
in the process.
Clive: I think the receipt
on the gate is 450 people,
and our winemakers have
sold their wine,
our cheese lady's sold
her cheese,
the flower lady's
sold some flowers.
Everyone's happy...
- Yeah. Good day, good.
- so very happy, very pleased.
Dick: Now they just have to
wait and see
if their efforts will bring in
more locals and more Euros.
Some 240 miles west in the heart
of the Loire Valley
sits Chateau de Bois Giraud,
built in 1850
by an Englishman.
Now it's a grand
self-catering rental
with 9 bedrooms
and 11 bathrooms...
20-acres of parkland,
and a pool,
and it's still got
English owners,
3 sisters Katharine, Marian,
and Tanya.
The business is run
from the comfort of the UK
by community worker Tanya,
who lives near Oxford...
Tanya: Morning.
I'll set the kettle on.
Who you do you fancy--
Mr. Happy today? Ha ha ha!
Dick: and younger sister
teaching assistant Marian,
who lives with her family
near Reading.
It's your turn
for brushing your teeth.
Husband: I tell you what we
can do with the pancakes.
Boy: Yeah. I'm off.
Tanya: All right.
See you later.
Have a good day.
Dick: The sisters' mum
Cleone lives
a few miles up the road
from Tanya.
And I've lost
the bucket already.
Dick: The chateau used to
belong to her ex-husband,
the girl's dad.
He didn't want
the responsibility anymore,
so he gave it to his daughters.
Cleone: So they were left
with a chateau,
which is a bit
of a double-edged sword
because there are
maintenance costs.
They don't live there
all the time,
and they don't speak French,
and they've worked very hard
to get it off the ground,
and they're making
a success of it.
I'm actually very proud of them,
although I don't usually
let them know that.
Tanya: I ought to meet up
with Marian
at some point this week,
go through chateau stuff.
See where we are.
Dick: As the saying goes,
with a great chateau
comes treat responsibility,
and the sisters find it
hard work maintaining
and managing this magnificent
19th century castle.
Tanya, voice-over: It is
very stressful trying to manage
my job and the chateau
and just general family life,
parents, you know,
everything that that brings.
Trying to actually squeeze
them into life
in general is quite hard.
Marian: We probably get
about 10 rentals a year
through from May, June, July,
August, maybe September.
Tanya:
Those are our main ones, yeah.
I wouldn't say it's profitable,
but it covers its costs,
which is what we need it to do.
Dick: But running
a French business from the UK
has its frustrations.
Everything in France is
quite different
to the English way
of doing things.
What might be logical
and feel quite sensible
in the UK very different
in France.
I'm not used to dealing
with French authorities.
I'm not used to the way
that French banks operate.
It's ringing.
Oh. Offices are now closed?
Monday to Friday 9:00
to half past 12:00.
No!
Dick: Ah, the joys
of French life.
We know it well.
Once a year, the sisters,
their families, and mum Cleone
take a trip to open up
the chateau
for the new holiday season
after being shut up
for the long winter months.
Marian, voice-over: Maybe a lot
of people think
of having a chateau as a dream,
a place they can go on holiday
and relax and drink
a glass of wine,
watch the sun go down.
Tanya: There's always issues,
and there's always a problem.
Have you got the passports?
Tanya: There's always something
that needs to be doing.
Dick: It's a 12-hour trip
to the Loire Valley,
and they have no idea
what will be lying in store
for them when they arrive.
Back at Tanith and Clive's
chateau hotel in Burgundy,
it's the morning after Clive's
successful open day,
and even though it's
only 7:30 A.M.,
he's already focused
on his next project.
Clive: Well, we got
a delivery from Greece
with a statue
from Paul Day,
and we've taken away
the 3 bull statues,
and we've got a truck
arriving to pick them up,
and we've managed to get it
all in the same time.
The two trucks hopefully are
arriving at 8:00 this morning,
and our local farmer
Alexander with his Manitou
to lift them up because
they're heavy, very heavy.
Dick: He's not wrong.
They weigh in
at nearly 3/4 of a ton each,
but it's not the sculptures
that Clive's worried about.
Clive: These truck drivers
don't respect grass or lawns,
and they drive over anything,
and I don't want
any damage today.
Dick: By 10 past 8:00,
there's no sign of truck,
forklift,
or even his friend Paul.
Clive: So I'm the first one,
waiting for two trucks
an artist.
Oh, well.
Dick: 20 minutes later...
It's a truck arriving.
It's a flatbed low loader,
so this is for the bulls.
Dick: The bulls are being
taken 30 miles away
to be exhibited
in the town of Beaune.
Dick: Clive's friend Paul,
the sculptor,
is the next to arrive.
Clive: Watch the grass.
Ha ha! I'm only kidding.
How you doing? All right?
Dick: With a combined value
of nearly £1 million,
it's going to be
a delicate operation.
Clive: Bonjour. C'est va?
Alexander: Yeah.
Dick: Forklift driver
Alexander seems
confident enough.
Clive's not gonna be
too pleased with that.
And artist Paul isn't
happy either,
stepping in to suggest
a more delicate approach.
Paul: We're just putting
two straps
around the front and rear end
of the sculpture
so that we can then run
a strap
through the middle probably
and hook it up
onto the forks,
and then we'll just
pick it up and drop it
onto the back of the lorry.
Dick: The straps have
worked a treat,
and after just 15 minutes,
the biggest of the 3 bulls
is safely loaded onto the truck,
but not everything has
survived intact.
Clive: This was expected.
We got to do it another
two times, you see,
so for mummy and baby,
so once he's done it,
I'll come out,
but when we installed it,
it took about two weeks
for the tracks to go,
so it's what happens.
Dick: Before herding
the other two beasts,
it's time for a coffee break.
Café Américain en Anglais.
Ha ha ha!
We have a mug,
but over here,
they drink it espresso,
don't they,
so they like a little coffee.
Dick: But there's still no sign
of Paul's new sculpture
that's arriving to replace
the bulls.
Paul: I'll phone
the transporters.
Dick: It's being transported
via international haulage
from Greece, where it was
last exhibited.
It was due to arrive
more than an hour ago.
Dix minutes? C'est parfait.
He doesn't speak
French or English,
so that's why he's struggling
to find his way.
Dick: It's no surprise Paul's
getting nervous.
That's nearly half a million
pounds' worth of sculpture
that's currently lost in Europe.
Paul: Hello. Paul Day.
We still have no lorry.
Woman: Hold on a minute, please.
Dick: Back in
the Pays de la Loire,
it's crunch time for Gwendoline
and fiancé Billy.
With 30 years of birds' nests
removed from the chimney,
they're about to see
if their old wood burner
is in working order.
Billy: So we've got to go
and find some dry wood
in the forest that's
already been cut up.
Dick: In charge
of wood collection
is Billy's brother Michael,
and when your back garden's
about the same size
as 50 football pitches,
you don't want to be
traveling on foot
if you need to get
anything done.
It's really good to have
this buggy actually
because, you know, if you need
to go and get
something quickly, you can
just hop on it
and go for a drive.
There's about 60 acres
of land here.
Half that's forest,
which is great because,
you know, if we need logs
to keep the log burner going,
once we've got enough logs
to keep the thing going,
we'll be able to heat
the chateau for free basically.
The old caretaker that used
to work here
for the previous owners,
he did a lot of work
clearing the forest.
Just gonna and have a look,
see if there's
any dry ones.
They're huge logs.
That one looks good.
Dick: When it comes to using
wood for fuel,
you can't just chop down
a tree and burn it straightaway.
Sawn timber likes this needs
to sit for about two years
to dry out before it's seasoned
and can burn efficiently.
Luckily for them, this stuff
looks the business.
That one seems dry.
[Thud]
Oop.
Ha ha! I forgot to
strap them on.
Ugh.
Oh, God. I need to
wake up, I think.
Dick: While Michael struggles
with the logs,
Billy's getting himself
a practical crash course
in the chateau's
heating system.
Well, the hot water comes
out of the top of it
because obviously
the heat rises,
so the cold water is fed
into the bottom of it,
and there's two valves,
and they're both turned off.
Dick: Yep. You've got to turn
both those on.
Otherwise, there's nothing
getting in or out.
Michael, are you there?
Are you all right?
Yeah. We're ready to put
some wood in it.
I've just given it a bit
of a once-over,
and it's quite clean inside.
I've turned the valves on
on the back,
so we're ready to go.
Yeah. Right. I'll bring them
all back now then.
All right then. Cheers.
Gwendoline: Oh, I'm quite
excited to try the wood burner
because if it works it really
means that we can save money
and that this is money
that we can put
towards the renovation.
Dick: It could be a massive
potential saving
of up to £1,000 a month
compared to using
an oil-fired heater.
Key to a good fire is
a nice bit of dry wood.
It's the most economical way
to keep the place heated.
Dick: The moment of truth
has finally arrived.
Billy: Do you want to light it?
Michael: Yeah. Let's have a go.
Do you want me to turn this on?
Yeah. Just turn it on
to get a draft through quickly.
Billy: That's it. It's drawing,
it's not smoking
at all, is it?
Gwendoline: It's a good sign
because there is smoke,
but I'm not sure the smoke
is supposed to come
out of the sides of the chimney.
Isn't it supposed to come
out of the top?
Not sure about that.
Oh, look.
Billy: It's not supposed to be
coming out the sides, is it?
Well, that's what
I was thinking. Ha ha!
Billy: I wonder why
it's doing that.
Dick:
So the old wood burners fine.
It's the even older chimney
that's not.
If they're lucky,
it'll just be a few holes
that need plugging
with a few quid spent on cement.
If they're not, it could mean
lining the chimney,
and that's going to cost
a whole lot more.
Gwendoline: We have a loan
to pay back.
Yeah, yeah.
And we need to make money
out of this place.
Billy: It's really
slow progress.
Gwendoline: We just need to
keep pushing.
Dick: Back in Burgundy
at the Cummings'
former abbey cum luxury hotel,
there's also a worry
for Clive and artist Paul.
The half-million-pound
sculpture they've
been waiting for...
Hello?
Dick: Is now more than
two hours late.
Are you sure?
Just arrived?
Woman: Just arrived. OK.
I don't know.
I'll go and have a look.
OK. Thank you.
We'll go and have a look.
- OK. Thank you.
- Bye.
Dick: The driver's driven
2,000 miles
through 8 countries
all the way from Athens.
Paul: Kalimera
- Hi, hi. OK?
- OK.
OK. Oh. Ha ha ha.
Dick: So I think he can
be forgiven
for being a little late.
Clive: That's the plaster
in 3 pieces.
Paul: Yeah, and this one's--
Clive: There's he bronze.
OK. That's useful.
Oh, that's a lot easier to, uh--
- Yeah. Just forklift.
- Yeah.
So far, so good.
One set of statues out,
and then new set
of statues in,
so it's all a bit of fun.
Right.
Here we go. Formula 1.
Formula Golf Buggy,
and we're taking over.
No, we're not.
We're gonna die.
I've run out of juice. Look.
I think you're gonna have to
jump off, Paul, yeah.
Push. Come on, Paul.
Get behind it!
[Laughter]
Dick: Paul's most well-known
sculpture is a bronze
that stands 9 meters tall
at the Eurostar Terminal
in London,
titled "The Meeting Place."
The one he's putting on display
at the abbey today
is a smaller version
of that piece.
Paul: I've twice tried to stop
sculptures with my toe
and broken the toe
both times.
Clive: I can take me hat off,
and it's stunning,
absolutely stunning.
- Very happy.
- Good location for it.
What a clever man you are, eh?
- Heh heh heh!
- Excellent.
Dick: 240 miles west
in the Loire Valley,
Marian and her family are
arriving at their chateau
after 12 hours traveling
by car and ferry.
Boy: There's a tree
in the way, dad!
It's a big whopper!
Marian: Oh, dear.
Dick: they're here to get
the place shipshape
for the holiday season
starting in 3 days' time.
Marian: Oh, God.
Dick: They were last here
6 months ago
when they closed
the chateau down
at the end of last season.
They're hoping that there
won't be too much
winter damage to deal with.
Boy: Here we are! Hello!
Marian: All right. Aw.
Let's get Pepper out.
OK. Do you want me to just,
like, open up then?
I'm hoping it's
in quite a good state.
- Ohh!
- It's not too bad actually.
Usually, it's quite musty.
[Boys chattering]
Marian: I quite fancy a drink.
Dick: It's not time to crack
open that bottle just yet.
Let the inspection begin.
Husband: If you start
looking round,
you'll never stop.
There's heaps of work.
Yeah, you could be here
the whole time.
OK. Let's have a look at this.
Dick: As husband John
and the boys clear the driveway
of trees and branches
that have come down
over the winter,
Marian's dealing with some
very unwelcome guests,
an invasion of flies.
Marian: We've got
a constant problem with flies,
so I need to make sure that
the fly treatment people
come out.
So we get this treatment done
twice a year,
and it kills all the flies.
Dick: These flies are known
as cluster flies,
and we know them well.
All big rural buildings
are plagued with them.
One way to get rid of them--
a good dose
of insecticidal spray.
[Smoke alarm beeping]
Marian: Is that the smoke alarm?
John: Yeah. Up there.
Dick: Yep. Insecticidal spray
can set off your smoke alarms.
Still, good to see they work.
Marian: So it was set off,
which is great.
That's the first time
I've know it work,
so that was good,
and--I know.
At least we know it works,
so it's brilliant.
Ugh.
[Bleep]
Dick: It's going to be
nonstop work
over the next few days
to get the chateau ready
for the new season.
The filthy pool needs cleaning,
and there are yet more flies.
Next time...
sister Tanya and the rest
of the family arrive
to help set up,
but tensions are running high.
- John.
- You don't have to sing.
No. I'm not gonna sing.
John: The whole pool is leaking.
Marian: It's not leaking.
It's there with water.
Dick: Billy reaches new heights
as he attempts
to fix the holes
in his chimney...
I'm absolutely terrified.
Dick: and Tanith and Clive
are feeling low
when it comes to a blockage
in their medieval drain.
Clive: Want to come down
and have a look?
No, thanks. Ha ha!
Whew.
Dick Strawbridge,
my wife Angel,
and our two children
in our glorious French chateau.
We haven't ever regretted
what we've done.
It is so worth it.
Dick, voice-over: We moved here
3 years ago
to follow our dream
of living life
in our very own castle.
Angel: Ha ha ha! Oh, my God!
Dick, voice-over: But it's not
been easy...
Angel: Baby, really, ah.
You're so strong.
Dick, voice-over: as dozens
of other Brits know
only too well...
Oops! Floor needs
replacing, as well. Ha ha ha!
Dick, voice-over: because it
turns out we're not
the only expats who have bought
a French chateau.
Wow! Absolutely love it.
Jonathan: 25-year old Bordeaux.
Motherlode!
Dick, voice-over: In this
series, we'll reveal
how we're running our chateau
as a business...
There's not a thing
about making sausage
that I don't find humorous.
Angel: I'm still finding
things that I haven't seen.
Dick, voice-over: and see how
these daring Brits
are running theirs...
Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This place is done up.
Dick, voice-over: as they face
the ups...
Really beautiful.
This is a rare moment,
but I am genuinely at peace.
Dick, voice-over: and downs...
Philip: Um, it's a lot worse
than it looks.
Dick, voice-over:
of their new lives
in these crumbling
and magnificent buildings.
Man: It is a bit of a fantasy
living in a French chateau.
We might have a few problems
on the way,
but that's part of life,
isn't it?
- Ha ha ha!
- Yeah.
Dick, voice-over: Today, a trio
of chateau rookies
are trying to fix
one of their chimneys...
Woman: I'm not sure the smoke
is supposed to
come out of the sides
of the chimney.
Dick, voice-over:
without much success.
Man: They've managed to get
through to the chimney breast,
but it's the wrong one.
Dick, voice-over: The owners
of this luxury chateau hotel
need to win over the locals...
Man: Lots of anti-us
in the press.
We've had protestors,
all sorts.
Dick, voice-over: but their
efforts to drum up
much needed new business
don't go to plan...
Man: Only 8 people here.
There's more suppliers
and more staff
than there are customers.
Dick, voice-over: and at our
fairytale chateau,
I get down and dirty
building an outdoor toilet.
I think I'm a bit
too old or this.
In northwest France,
some young twentysomething
chateau owners are
at the very start
of their journey.
This is Chateau
de la Basmaignée.
Built in the 18th century,
this beauty
has 6 floors and 40 rooms,
22 of them bedrooms,
set in more than 60 acres
of park and woodland.
The lord and lady of this manor
25-year-old Gwendoline
from France
and her 28-year-old fiancé
Billy, originally from London.
Billy: I moved over here
about 6 years--
my parents were already
living here,
and I thought, "Oh,
I'll give I a try," you know,
and I did a bit of work,
and when we met,
it all changed, didn't it?
Gwendoline: Yeah.
Billy: It is a bit
of a fantasy, yeah.
Living in a French chateau has
always been a bit of a dream.
Dick: That dream has brought
them here
to the Pays de la Loire region,
and Billy's older brother
Michael moved in, too.
The 3 of them have big plans
for the castle.
Gwendoline: We want to have
bedrooms in the chateau
for B&B and have people
hosting weddings
or seminars here.
Dick: But that dream is
a long way off
because none of them have done
anything like this before,
and they've got a hell
of a lot of work to do.
The place has no electrics,
no hot water,
leaking walls and ceilings,
and 90 rotten windows
that need replacing.
Basically, we've decided
to do most of the works
ourselves, you know,
with our own skills and stuff,
so together, I think
we can make it work.
Dick: I've got to admire
their confidence.
Until they're up and running,
the young couple and Michael
are living in the only
habitable building
on the estate, the guest house
that used to be
the servants' quarters.
Gwendoline: Everyone keeps
saying to us,
"Oh, you're living
the chateau life and all,"
but not really at the moment.
It's more like domestic
over chateau life
or, like, how do you call them
in "Downton Abbey"--
the servants or whatever.
That's what we are like.
Billy: The reason why we're
not living the in the chateau
at the moment is because
basically it's uninhabitable
because there's
no bedrooms ready,
there's no electrics
in some of the rooms,
there's no heating,
there's no running water.
It's--well, the list
is endless really,
so we can't really move in
just yet.
Dick: Well, they did only
just get the keys to this place
4 weeks ago,
bought for a pretty hefty
1,000,050 Euros
with money inherited
by Gwendoline.
Gwendoline: I lost my mum
almost two years ago now,
and she left me
a bit of inheritance.
I thought it would be nice
to make a good life for us,
to prepare the future
because she left me something,
so I think we should use it
to leave something
to our children one day.
I know she would have
liked this place.
Dick: They've barely
settled in,
but they're not wasting time
when it comes to getting
the business started.
In just 3 weeks' time,
their first customers,
a party of 14,
are due to arrive
for a weekend break
at the guest house.
Gwendoline: It is important
to get ready
because this is our first lot
of guests,
and this is the first
really income
that we are gonna have
since we moved here,
and we do need to get money
in order to live
and keep restoring the chateau.
I'm a bit stressed
an anxious.
The boys have a lot to do.
They need to get on with it
and work
from dawn to the end
of the day every day.
Dick: One of the most
immediate jobs
for Billy and Michael
is getting the chateau
a working kitchen.
Billy: We're on a bit
of a tight schedule
because the kitchen bloke's
coming in a week.
Dick: Today, they're putting
up the covings.
It smells like...
a dirty, old kipper.
Ha ha ha!
There is a sort of sense
of satisfaction,
isn't there, Michael,
when you do the work yourself.
Michael: You know, after
a while, you've got
all of these skills
that you didn't have before.
Gwendoline: The windows--
well, one window's done.
Michael: Yeah.
One window's done.
We've still got to do
second coats
on all of the blue woodwork.
Gwendoline: How long
is that gonna take?
Give us a bit of time.
Dick: But for Gwendoline,
there's something
even more important
than sorting out the kitchen
before they can move in.
Gwendoline: I'm freezing.
It is freezing in here.
Dick: Like a lot
of these old chateaus,
the main heating system is
run on heating oil.
For the past month,
they've only had it on
for a couple of hours
each day
to help dry out
some of the damp,
but that's cost £600 in oil.
What was the level
when we had it filled up?
- It as right near the top here.
- All right.
That was about 2,000 liters,
and it's gone down, well--
Gwendoline: More than half.
Billy: More than half.
Gwendoline: In a month.
Billy: In a month,
so we really got to get it--
find another way of heating
the place.
How much is that in a month?
That's, um...
that's quite a lot of money.
- 700 Euros.
- Yeah.
Well, can't keep going
like that, Billy.
- No.
- Yeah. We need to find
another way to heat the house.
Dick: If they were to have
it on full-time,
I reckon that the monthly bill
could easily double
to well over £1,000.
Billy: At the moment,
money's a bit tight
because all the work
that's going on,
so we need to do something else.
Dick: But there's something
in the basement
that could be the answer
to their problem.
So why can't we use that?
It uses wood, right?
Billy: Yep.
Dick: The question is
is there life
in the old wood burner yet?
We can't just spend 1,500 Euros
each month on heating.
It's, like, impossible.
We couldn't afford that.
We'd be out of here
in 3 month.
So, yeah, we need that to work.
We really do.
Dick: One thing we've learned
about running a chateau
is it's all about
clever shortcuts
and cost-saving plans.
At our place,
in the Pays de la Loire,
we host weddings
in our orangery,
but it's a 400-meter round trip
to the nearest loo
in the chateau.
The challenge--to save our
guests a long walk for a wee.
I think I'm a bit too old
for this.
Dick, voice-over: A task that's
made even trickier
when there's no
mains water nearby.
There's going to be
a compost loo
and a urinal here.
I want to go down probably
two feet.
I knew
all that trench digging
in my old army days
would come in handy,
but this isn't any old hole
in the ground.
Human beings are retromingent,
which means when we sit down
we pee forward,
so I have to build a splash
plate to capture the urine
and take it off to the side
because I do not want
the hole full of poo to be wet,
and that's very important.
This stops the two things you
definitely don't want
in an outdoor loo--
odor and attracting flies.
When I was training
to go to Sandhurst, '78,
I wanted to go and join a gym
and work out,
do all sorts of gymmy stuff,
become musclebound,
and my old man said to me,
"No, Richard
All you're gonna do
is dig the garden."
So I dug the garden
for a summer
and got quite ripped,
so never mind fancy gyms.
Build a compost loo.
[Exhales]
Muscles tested
and trench dug,
next the hole needs to be lined
and shored up at the sides.
What I want to do is
just stop anything
getting into what is going to be
my compost pit,
and that includes the rats,
so I'm going to be putting
chicken wire in there to stop
them from getting through,
but I'm just shuttering
the edges basically.
I'm putting wood against
so nothing falls in on it.
We may be talking
peeing in the woods,
but we still need some privacy.
Man: This is like a mobile home.
Dick: Yeah.
I got the grunt,
you got the finesse.
Ha ha ha! We're in.
Here we are.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
The more ridiculous the better.
Fit for a king or queen
or bride and groom
and ready for its throne.
This loo seat is made
for a conventional toilet,
and if you look at it
from the side,
see those gaps that we have
to let the air in?
We're gonna get rid of those.
Gonna take these bits
of plastic off,
screw this all the way down.
We're gonna put a seal
around this
with a little bit of foam,
and so when this shuts down,
there are no air gaps,
and the reason we have that is
we don't want flies
coming in and going in
and out of this place.
This is to be a fly-free zone.
Right.
So that's
the sit-down element of the loo.
Over to Angel, her dad,
and the kids...
Angel's dad: Which one
do you like?
Dorothy: I like that!
Arthur: I like that one!
Dick, voice-over: to bag
a urinal
at the reclamation yard.
Angel: Aha! Mummy's found
what Daddy's sent us to find.
Look. This is the one.
Dick sent me down today
to look for a urinal.
Oh, the glamor, I know,
but we saw this
a year and a half ago.
Asked if we should have
bought it then,
but, you know, we didn't
really quite have
a place for it,
so I'm so glad it's here today.
[Speaking French]
[Woman speaking French]
I think that's 100, isn't it?
[Woman speaking French]
Angel: What's 80 Euros?
Da, da, da, da.
We just spoke French.
I remember--ha ha ha--
last year it was 80 Euros, no?
- 80?
- Oui? Huh?
Perhaps.
If you want 80.
Super. Good.
Dick: In the heart
of the world famous
wine region of Burgundy
25 miles west of Dijon lies
the 900-year-old
Abbaye de la Bussiere,
a home and place of worship
for monks
since the Middle Ages,
but these days,
it's a luxury hotel run
by English couple
Clive and Tanith Cummings.
Clive: And once we saw it,
we're like, "Wow!
What a place this could make."
Dick: It's a thing of beauty--
20 luxury bedrooms plus
a Michelin-starred restaurant
in the abbey's former cloister.
Tanith: We have real
ups and downs,
but, you know, we're still here.
Dick: Even though
a one-night stay in this place
will set you back
around £200
and a meal for two £170,
Clive and Tanith aren't
pulling in enough pennies.
Tanith: We've had a couple
of years we've made
a little bit of profit,
but it's still
very much a work in progress.
Dick: This year, they're
desperate to develop
the business and bring in
more income,
and there's one market
they haven't yet tapped into,
but there's a problem.
Clive: A lot of the local
perception is that
this is a Michelin-star
posh property.
And when we first came,
the abbey was open
to the public,
and les Anglais arrived,
and we shut the place down,
and they got upset.
They thought we were creating
a paradise for playboys,
and we said, "Look. We're
just making it a nice hotel,"
and we had a massive boycott.
Lots of anti-us in the press.
We had protestors, all sorts.
Dick: So today, Clive's
organized an open day
designed specifically to
woo the locals
and make a bit of money
with a 5-Euro entrance fee.
Clive: We're hoping
for 300, 400.
You just don't know.
It could be a complete
and utter disaster
and we only have
50 or 60 people.
If that's the case,
we've got a lot
of wine and cheese to eat.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: Clive's invited dozens
or regional
food and wine suppliers,
who'll be setting up stalls
on this lawn to showcase
their wares.
Clive: A bit
carelessly balanced.
Dick: Everything's set up,
everyone is ready,
but the success
of Clive's event relies
on two things he can't
really control--
a decent number of guests
turning up
and decent weather.
Every time I put these out,
it rains,
so we shall see what happens.
[Thunder]
Dick: For us, running
a chateau business
is all about making
your guests comfortable,
even if that means building
a toilet from scratch
using a garden shed.
The ergonomics
of pooping in the woods.
With 20 years in the military,
you spend an awful lot of time
finding a comfy place to pool.
This is just so luxurious,
it's not even worth
thinking about.
OK. It's just a regular shed,
so the floor need to be adapted
to fit over the poo pit
and a frame built
for the seat.
Hello, gorgeous.
Angel: Oh, it's a proper like
enchanted forest...
- It's a proper toilet.
- Pee, isn't it? Ha ha!
- I love it.
- Right.
- This is the loo capability.
- Yeah, yeah.
Here on this side is going
to be a urinal capability.
Right. Is that gonna have
any sort of, like, privacy?
Yeah. Picture
the urinal there.
Picture the wall--it's gonna be
tall enough
so no man's head
can be seen, yeah,
so here--so they come
through here, pee here,
and the urine, wee-wee,
comes around here.
Angel: Stuff from the compost
loo go in there, as well?
Dick: The pee from
the compost loo
goes here, as well.
Right. Mm-hmm.
- This is the sit-down loo.
- Yeah.
And kind of washing the hands.
We're just gonna have to have
a, um--
Dick: All that sanitizing stuff
you got.
We'll just put a little shelf
in there with the sanitizer
and things in there, yeah?
Angel: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: I'm gonna continue
- making my...
- All right, baby.
She didn't ask for it to move.
That's a tick.
Not too bad.
With forewoman Angel happy,
time to finish this bad boy.
That's good.
Dick, voice-over:
Urinal installation
and a seat in the cubicle.
Hmm. It's nice.
Voila! All ready
for our wedding guests
and better
than any camping loo
if I do say so myself.
Just 30 miles away
from our place,
engaged couple Billy
and Gwendoline
and Billy's bother Michael
are just 4 weeks
into the start
of their chateau journey,
and they're learning that
there's a ton
of work ahead of them.
They're desperate to get
a disused wood burner
up and running to save cash,
but they've no idea when it was
last fired up.
Billy: There's a receipt here
from, um, 1988,
and it was just...
[Speaks French]
which is just a service,
routine service.
A bit of very old kit
if it was--
if I found a receipt
from 1988.
That was the year I was born,
so very interesting.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: It's still nearly
30 years younger than me,
and I'm going strong.
Billy: We don't know if it's
going to run all right
or if it's even gonna
heat the house.
Gwendoline: Are you sure
it's not gonna make
everything explode?
Dick: It's connected to one
of the chateau's 11 chimneys.
Gwendoline: If we're gonna
switch on this wood burner,
we need to make sure
the chimneys are cleared.
If there's any blockage in there
or anything,
it could be a fire hazard.
Dick: So Gwendoline's called
in a couple
of local chimney sweeps,
who've agreed
to do the job for just 60 Euros.
Starting from the roof,
the men begin
by checking for blockages,
and after an hour,
they find an obstruction
about halfway down
the 25-meter-tall chimney.
Michael: The chimney's so
badly blocked there,
honestly, from the top
to the bottom,
they can't get the blockage out.
Dick: There's no choice
but to try and get
to the blockage
through the wall.
[Hammering]
Michael: We'll, they've been
trying to bash
their way through
this chimney breast
for about 15, 20 minutes,
but at least you know
the house is strong.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: That's one way
to look at it.
French chateaus tend to have
very thick, solid walls.
These are about a foot deep.
Michael: The thing is
the chimney breast
is solid granite, so it's
not easy to knock through.
Dick: After almost an hour,
the men are finally through,
but there's no sign
of a blockage.
Please don't tell me they've
done what I think they've done.
Michael: They've managed
to get through
to the chimney breast,
but it's the wrong one.
Dick: That's what you get
for 60 Euros.
Michael: There's two
chimney breasts side by side,
and the blockage is
in the other one,
so now what they've got to
do is they've got to
knock through
to the other chimney breast.
Dick: A quick recalculation,
and it's time for take two.
After another half-hour
and a lot of mess,
the men are through again.
Michael: Yeah. They've got
the right hole this time.
Ha ha ha!
Dick: And the mystery
of the blockage is revealed,
a 30-year buildup
of old pigeons' nests.
With the chimney now cleared,
they can start up
the old wood burner,
but will the ancient piece
of kit work,
or will their dreams of saving
pennies go up in smoke?
Back in the Burgundy region
of eastern France,
Clive and Tanith need to
bring in more money
to their luxury chateau hotel.
Their plan--to get
more locals through the door,
so Clive's throwing an open day
to try and tempt them.
He was worried the weather
could make it a washout,
but it's the turnout
or lack of that's he problem.
Clive: 2:20,
and only 8 people here,
so, uh, let's see.
There's more suppliers
and more staff
than there are customers,
but the afternoon is young.
They're all probably having
their lunch still.
This is France.
Lunch is very important.
Dick: Whilst Clive keeps
his fingers crossed
for some more guests
and no rain,
inside, hotel life is
carrying on as normal.
Tonight, Tanith has got
8 new reservations at the hotel,
all expecting
that luxury experience.
Tanith: Every little detail
is quite important really,
so you just need to be aware
of everything,
so the cushions from the window,
from where you've left
the remote control,
to the pad and pen
by the tables.
We get all our laundry
from England,
and we also use
really good quality towels.
They've got to be
fluffy, you know,
they've got to be big
and fluffy towels.
This one's good to go I think.
Just needs some water,
but everything else is ready.
Dick: The flood
of local visitors armed
with wads of cash
hasn't arrived.
Clive: Bonjour.
20 people so far,
so just another...
Dick: The other 450 or so
guests must be
just around the corner.
Clive: Empty road.
I want to see a whole line
of cars snaking up
with lots of people in it,
and then I'll be happy.
Here we go hopefully.
Oui. Non. Bonjour.
Woman: Bonjour! Ha ha ha!
Clive: She didn't smile,
did she?
Dick: But today's not just
about selling the hotel
to the locals.
The world-renowned
British sculptor Paul Day lives
just a few miles away.
Look at this guy.
Dick: And Clive's invited
him over to set up
a stall selling signed copies
of his new book.
Clive: Bonjour, monsieur.
Paul: Hi. How are you?
Clive: I'm very well.
How are you?
Dick: Clive and Tanith have
several of Paul's sculptures
in the abbey grounds,
including these 3 life-sized
bronze bulls.
They've been on loan here
for a year,
and tomorrow, Paul's
taking them back.
Paul: These are going to be
moved to an exhibition
I'm having in Beaune,
our local town.
I think they look perfect here,
and I'm actually surprised
that Mr. Cummings hasn't made
me an offer on them,
but I know how tight he is,
you know, so frankly,
I don't hold down
much hope there.
Dick: It's now an hour
into the event,
and to Clive's relief,
there's finally
a steady stream of guests
making their way
into the grounds
for the abbey's big day.
Clive: I'd say there's
a couple hundred people
here now, so very pleased
with that.
Let's hope we have another
200 or 300 coming
through the door.
We'll see.
Another two coming in. Yeah.
Lots of local faces,
which is really nice,
and they see the transformation
of the building,
they see the investment
that we have put in,
and as I say to them,
it's the paying customer
like them are the people
that help me
to continue
with the renovation work,
and so they're very pleased
that they see it
being spent on this
and non fast cars.
[Thunder]
Dick: It looks like Clive's
weather prediction
has come true.
Clive: I said my red cushions
were an invitation
for it to rain,
and it took 3 hours.
Fantastic.
Il pleut comme de vache pisse.
In French, that means it's
raining like cow's wee.
Dick: But luckily, Mother Nature
has intervened
at the perfect moment.
Just as we want people
to go home...
- It hails.
- It's hailing,
and so, no, we've had
a perfect day.
Dick: The weather held up
long enough
for everyone to enjoy
the chateau
and make some money
in the process.
Clive: I think the receipt
on the gate is 450 people,
and our winemakers have
sold their wine,
our cheese lady's sold
her cheese,
the flower lady's
sold some flowers.
Everyone's happy...
- Yeah. Good day, good.
- so very happy, very pleased.
Dick: Now they just have to
wait and see
if their efforts will bring in
more locals and more Euros.
Some 240 miles west in the heart
of the Loire Valley
sits Chateau de Bois Giraud,
built in 1850
by an Englishman.
Now it's a grand
self-catering rental
with 9 bedrooms
and 11 bathrooms...
20-acres of parkland,
and a pool,
and it's still got
English owners,
3 sisters Katharine, Marian,
and Tanya.
The business is run
from the comfort of the UK
by community worker Tanya,
who lives near Oxford...
Tanya: Morning.
I'll set the kettle on.
Who you do you fancy--
Mr. Happy today? Ha ha ha!
Dick: and younger sister
teaching assistant Marian,
who lives with her family
near Reading.
It's your turn
for brushing your teeth.
Husband: I tell you what we
can do with the pancakes.
Boy: Yeah. I'm off.
Tanya: All right.
See you later.
Have a good day.
Dick: The sisters' mum
Cleone lives
a few miles up the road
from Tanya.
And I've lost
the bucket already.
Dick: The chateau used to
belong to her ex-husband,
the girl's dad.
He didn't want
the responsibility anymore,
so he gave it to his daughters.
Cleone: So they were left
with a chateau,
which is a bit
of a double-edged sword
because there are
maintenance costs.
They don't live there
all the time,
and they don't speak French,
and they've worked very hard
to get it off the ground,
and they're making
a success of it.
I'm actually very proud of them,
although I don't usually
let them know that.
Tanya: I ought to meet up
with Marian
at some point this week,
go through chateau stuff.
See where we are.
Dick: As the saying goes,
with a great chateau
comes treat responsibility,
and the sisters find it
hard work maintaining
and managing this magnificent
19th century castle.
Tanya, voice-over: It is
very stressful trying to manage
my job and the chateau
and just general family life,
parents, you know,
everything that that brings.
Trying to actually squeeze
them into life
in general is quite hard.
Marian: We probably get
about 10 rentals a year
through from May, June, July,
August, maybe September.
Tanya:
Those are our main ones, yeah.
I wouldn't say it's profitable,
but it covers its costs,
which is what we need it to do.
Dick: But running
a French business from the UK
has its frustrations.
Everything in France is
quite different
to the English way
of doing things.
What might be logical
and feel quite sensible
in the UK very different
in France.
I'm not used to dealing
with French authorities.
I'm not used to the way
that French banks operate.
It's ringing.
Oh. Offices are now closed?
Monday to Friday 9:00
to half past 12:00.
No!
Dick: Ah, the joys
of French life.
We know it well.
Once a year, the sisters,
their families, and mum Cleone
take a trip to open up
the chateau
for the new holiday season
after being shut up
for the long winter months.
Marian, voice-over: Maybe a lot
of people think
of having a chateau as a dream,
a place they can go on holiday
and relax and drink
a glass of wine,
watch the sun go down.
Tanya: There's always issues,
and there's always a problem.
Have you got the passports?
Tanya: There's always something
that needs to be doing.
Dick: It's a 12-hour trip
to the Loire Valley,
and they have no idea
what will be lying in store
for them when they arrive.
Back at Tanith and Clive's
chateau hotel in Burgundy,
it's the morning after Clive's
successful open day,
and even though it's
only 7:30 A.M.,
he's already focused
on his next project.
Clive: Well, we got
a delivery from Greece
with a statue
from Paul Day,
and we've taken away
the 3 bull statues,
and we've got a truck
arriving to pick them up,
and we've managed to get it
all in the same time.
The two trucks hopefully are
arriving at 8:00 this morning,
and our local farmer
Alexander with his Manitou
to lift them up because
they're heavy, very heavy.
Dick: He's not wrong.
They weigh in
at nearly 3/4 of a ton each,
but it's not the sculptures
that Clive's worried about.
Clive: These truck drivers
don't respect grass or lawns,
and they drive over anything,
and I don't want
any damage today.
Dick: By 10 past 8:00,
there's no sign of truck,
forklift,
or even his friend Paul.
Clive: So I'm the first one,
waiting for two trucks
an artist.
Oh, well.
Dick: 20 minutes later...
It's a truck arriving.
It's a flatbed low loader,
so this is for the bulls.
Dick: The bulls are being
taken 30 miles away
to be exhibited
in the town of Beaune.
Dick: Clive's friend Paul,
the sculptor,
is the next to arrive.
Clive: Watch the grass.
Ha ha! I'm only kidding.
How you doing? All right?
Dick: With a combined value
of nearly £1 million,
it's going to be
a delicate operation.
Clive: Bonjour. C'est va?
Alexander: Yeah.
Dick: Forklift driver
Alexander seems
confident enough.
Clive's not gonna be
too pleased with that.
And artist Paul isn't
happy either,
stepping in to suggest
a more delicate approach.
Paul: We're just putting
two straps
around the front and rear end
of the sculpture
so that we can then run
a strap
through the middle probably
and hook it up
onto the forks,
and then we'll just
pick it up and drop it
onto the back of the lorry.
Dick: The straps have
worked a treat,
and after just 15 minutes,
the biggest of the 3 bulls
is safely loaded onto the truck,
but not everything has
survived intact.
Clive: This was expected.
We got to do it another
two times, you see,
so for mummy and baby,
so once he's done it,
I'll come out,
but when we installed it,
it took about two weeks
for the tracks to go,
so it's what happens.
Dick: Before herding
the other two beasts,
it's time for a coffee break.
Café Américain en Anglais.
Ha ha ha!
We have a mug,
but over here,
they drink it espresso,
don't they,
so they like a little coffee.
Dick: But there's still no sign
of Paul's new sculpture
that's arriving to replace
the bulls.
Paul: I'll phone
the transporters.
Dick: It's being transported
via international haulage
from Greece, where it was
last exhibited.
It was due to arrive
more than an hour ago.
Dix minutes? C'est parfait.
He doesn't speak
French or English,
so that's why he's struggling
to find his way.
Dick: It's no surprise Paul's
getting nervous.
That's nearly half a million
pounds' worth of sculpture
that's currently lost in Europe.
Paul: Hello. Paul Day.
We still have no lorry.
Woman: Hold on a minute, please.
Dick: Back in
the Pays de la Loire,
it's crunch time for Gwendoline
and fiancé Billy.
With 30 years of birds' nests
removed from the chimney,
they're about to see
if their old wood burner
is in working order.
Billy: So we've got to go
and find some dry wood
in the forest that's
already been cut up.
Dick: In charge
of wood collection
is Billy's brother Michael,
and when your back garden's
about the same size
as 50 football pitches,
you don't want to be
traveling on foot
if you need to get
anything done.
It's really good to have
this buggy actually
because, you know, if you need
to go and get
something quickly, you can
just hop on it
and go for a drive.
There's about 60 acres
of land here.
Half that's forest,
which is great because,
you know, if we need logs
to keep the log burner going,
once we've got enough logs
to keep the thing going,
we'll be able to heat
the chateau for free basically.
The old caretaker that used
to work here
for the previous owners,
he did a lot of work
clearing the forest.
Just gonna and have a look,
see if there's
any dry ones.
They're huge logs.
That one looks good.
Dick: When it comes to using
wood for fuel,
you can't just chop down
a tree and burn it straightaway.
Sawn timber likes this needs
to sit for about two years
to dry out before it's seasoned
and can burn efficiently.
Luckily for them, this stuff
looks the business.
That one seems dry.
[Thud]
Oop.
Ha ha! I forgot to
strap them on.
Ugh.
Oh, God. I need to
wake up, I think.
Dick: While Michael struggles
with the logs,
Billy's getting himself
a practical crash course
in the chateau's
heating system.
Well, the hot water comes
out of the top of it
because obviously
the heat rises,
so the cold water is fed
into the bottom of it,
and there's two valves,
and they're both turned off.
Dick: Yep. You've got to turn
both those on.
Otherwise, there's nothing
getting in or out.
Michael, are you there?
Are you all right?
Yeah. We're ready to put
some wood in it.
I've just given it a bit
of a once-over,
and it's quite clean inside.
I've turned the valves on
on the back,
so we're ready to go.
Yeah. Right. I'll bring them
all back now then.
All right then. Cheers.
Gwendoline: Oh, I'm quite
excited to try the wood burner
because if it works it really
means that we can save money
and that this is money
that we can put
towards the renovation.
Dick: It could be a massive
potential saving
of up to £1,000 a month
compared to using
an oil-fired heater.
Key to a good fire is
a nice bit of dry wood.
It's the most economical way
to keep the place heated.
Dick: The moment of truth
has finally arrived.
Billy: Do you want to light it?
Michael: Yeah. Let's have a go.
Do you want me to turn this on?
Yeah. Just turn it on
to get a draft through quickly.
Billy: That's it. It's drawing,
it's not smoking
at all, is it?
Gwendoline: It's a good sign
because there is smoke,
but I'm not sure the smoke
is supposed to come
out of the sides of the chimney.
Isn't it supposed to come
out of the top?
Not sure about that.
Oh, look.
Billy: It's not supposed to be
coming out the sides, is it?
Well, that's what
I was thinking. Ha ha!
Billy: I wonder why
it's doing that.
Dick:
So the old wood burners fine.
It's the even older chimney
that's not.
If they're lucky,
it'll just be a few holes
that need plugging
with a few quid spent on cement.
If they're not, it could mean
lining the chimney,
and that's going to cost
a whole lot more.
Gwendoline: We have a loan
to pay back.
Yeah, yeah.
And we need to make money
out of this place.
Billy: It's really
slow progress.
Gwendoline: We just need to
keep pushing.
Dick: Back in Burgundy
at the Cummings'
former abbey cum luxury hotel,
there's also a worry
for Clive and artist Paul.
The half-million-pound
sculpture they've
been waiting for...
Hello?
Dick: Is now more than
two hours late.
Are you sure?
Just arrived?
Woman: Just arrived. OK.
I don't know.
I'll go and have a look.
OK. Thank you.
We'll go and have a look.
- OK. Thank you.
- Bye.
Dick: The driver's driven
2,000 miles
through 8 countries
all the way from Athens.
Paul: Kalimera
- Hi, hi. OK?
- OK.
OK. Oh. Ha ha ha.
Dick: So I think he can
be forgiven
for being a little late.
Clive: That's the plaster
in 3 pieces.
Paul: Yeah, and this one's--
Clive: There's he bronze.
OK. That's useful.
Oh, that's a lot easier to, uh--
- Yeah. Just forklift.
- Yeah.
So far, so good.
One set of statues out,
and then new set
of statues in,
so it's all a bit of fun.
Right.
Here we go. Formula 1.
Formula Golf Buggy,
and we're taking over.
No, we're not.
We're gonna die.
I've run out of juice. Look.
I think you're gonna have to
jump off, Paul, yeah.
Push. Come on, Paul.
Get behind it!
[Laughter]
Dick: Paul's most well-known
sculpture is a bronze
that stands 9 meters tall
at the Eurostar Terminal
in London,
titled "The Meeting Place."
The one he's putting on display
at the abbey today
is a smaller version
of that piece.
Paul: I've twice tried to stop
sculptures with my toe
and broken the toe
both times.
Clive: I can take me hat off,
and it's stunning,
absolutely stunning.
- Very happy.
- Good location for it.
What a clever man you are, eh?
- Heh heh heh!
- Excellent.
Dick: 240 miles west
in the Loire Valley,
Marian and her family are
arriving at their chateau
after 12 hours traveling
by car and ferry.
Boy: There's a tree
in the way, dad!
It's a big whopper!
Marian: Oh, dear.
Dick: they're here to get
the place shipshape
for the holiday season
starting in 3 days' time.
Marian: Oh, God.
Dick: They were last here
6 months ago
when they closed
the chateau down
at the end of last season.
They're hoping that there
won't be too much
winter damage to deal with.
Boy: Here we are! Hello!
Marian: All right. Aw.
Let's get Pepper out.
OK. Do you want me to just,
like, open up then?
I'm hoping it's
in quite a good state.
- Ohh!
- It's not too bad actually.
Usually, it's quite musty.
[Boys chattering]
Marian: I quite fancy a drink.
Dick: It's not time to crack
open that bottle just yet.
Let the inspection begin.
Husband: If you start
looking round,
you'll never stop.
There's heaps of work.
Yeah, you could be here
the whole time.
OK. Let's have a look at this.
Dick: As husband John
and the boys clear the driveway
of trees and branches
that have come down
over the winter,
Marian's dealing with some
very unwelcome guests,
an invasion of flies.
Marian: We've got
a constant problem with flies,
so I need to make sure that
the fly treatment people
come out.
So we get this treatment done
twice a year,
and it kills all the flies.
Dick: These flies are known
as cluster flies,
and we know them well.
All big rural buildings
are plagued with them.
One way to get rid of them--
a good dose
of insecticidal spray.
[Smoke alarm beeping]
Marian: Is that the smoke alarm?
John: Yeah. Up there.
Dick: Yep. Insecticidal spray
can set off your smoke alarms.
Still, good to see they work.
Marian: So it was set off,
which is great.
That's the first time
I've know it work,
so that was good,
and--I know.
At least we know it works,
so it's brilliant.
Ugh.
[Bleep]
Dick: It's going to be
nonstop work
over the next few days
to get the chateau ready
for the new season.
The filthy pool needs cleaning,
and there are yet more flies.
Next time...
sister Tanya and the rest
of the family arrive
to help set up,
but tensions are running high.
- John.
- You don't have to sing.
No. I'm not gonna sing.
John: The whole pool is leaking.
Marian: It's not leaking.
It's there with water.
Dick: Billy reaches new heights
as he attempts
to fix the holes
in his chimney...
I'm absolutely terrified.
Dick: and Tanith and Clive
are feeling low
when it comes to a blockage
in their medieval drain.
Clive: Want to come down
and have a look?
No, thanks. Ha ha!
Whew.