Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode Five - full transcript

Oh, good. There you are.

Hey. See what Sean thinks.

See what Sean thinks about what?

Isn't this top too booby for Nicola?

Uh, I'd... I'd have to say
can one ever be too booby?

Thank you. I have spent a lot of money

believing the answer
to that question is no.

I'm going to find you something else.

- So, what's up?
- Um...

Thanks.

I've got the new pages
for the library scene.



You go to him now.

Uh, that way,
it really puts the pressure on him.

Let's see.

- This is so much better.
- Is it? Oh, yay.

Yeah, it works now. You're so good.

Well...

Morning likes the rewrite.

I can see that.

- I should probably go.
- Right.

Try this.

What was I supposed to do?
I'm talking to her,

and she just takes her top off,
like I'm not even there.

Oh, please. She knew you were there.

I don't know. She's an actress.
They're very free with their bodies.



All I'm saying is that was a choice.

She could have gone in the back
to change. Or, uh, here's an idea.

She could just have turned round.
But, no.

She decided that was the perfect moment
to bring out the bazooms.

- Bazooms?
- Yes.

You know, technically,
those aren't breasts, they're bazooms.

You can look it up in
The Big Book of Tits.

Darling, look at me.
Hi. You have nothing to worry about.

I'm totally immune to her bazooms.

- All right.
- I mean it.

- I said all right.
- All right.

- All right?
- All right. One more round?

- All right.
- All right.

Oh. Is today over yet?

Actually, Matt has these tickets
for this charity thing tonight,

and he was wondering if we...

Oh, please, no.
All I want to do is go home

and sit in a nice hot bath.
Can we get out of it?

Uh, you can. He only has one extra.

And, of course, he only invited you.

You just said you didn't want to go.

- That not the point.
- It's my point.

What if I wanted to go?

But you don't.
You just asked to get out of it.

Whoosh, you're out of it.
Any more wishes?

Uh, are you being intentionally dim,
or do you really not get what...

No, darling.
It's you who doesn't get it.

Of course,
he's not going to invite you to things.

He knows you didn't want him
for the part.

You talk to him like he's an idiot.
And lest we forget, you hate him.

Still, that's no reason
not to invite me.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what is this charity thing
that I'm not invited to tonight?

It's for rape.

It's for rape?

No, obviously, it's not...
It's not for... It's not for rape.

It's not... It's not pro-rape,
it's to prevent it or to...

Take care of women... I don't know.
Rape is involved.

You wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.
There's this whole wine tasting thing.

- Wine tasting and rape?
- And I believe there's a singer.

Oh, good. She's here.

What do you think?

Well, uh, I like that
she's wearing a top this time.

Mmm-hmm.

- But where's the bottom?
- What are you saying?

- Uh, the skirt.
- What? Too short?

She's a librarian
in a boys' boarding school.

I'm guessing it's not within
her job description

to show the boys her vagina.

They might go to the library more.

- Look at it with the glasses.
- Oh, okay.

Hmm?

Right. So now it's a vagina
with glasses.

Tell me again what you want.
Obviously, I'm not getting it.

As incomprehensible as that is,
we need something, uh,

tasteful, stylish,
less, uh, gynecological.

Hey, kids. Oh, love that.

- Thank you.
- Isn't it great?

It is not great,
because she's a librarian.

- Well, a TV librarian.
- Exactly.

Meaning?

No one ever stopped watching a TV show
because the librarian looked too hot.

And you're not gonna actually
see my vagina.

And yet, we'll all know it's there.

It's... Let me be
absolutely clear about this.

This skirt and her reproductive organs
are not,

I repeat, not going in my show.

Let's get you out of this, honey,
before she kills somebody.

I'm sorry. That was...

- Come on. Let's take a walk.
- No, no, I'm fine really.

I know, I know. Just walk with me.

Okay, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Really, it's all good.

Gotcha. Nice fists.

- Oh. Oh, it's all incredibly tedious.
- So, bore me.

Oh, I've just had a rather
difficult day.

Uh-huh?

And by day, I mean,
month, month and a half.

Oh. Not having fun?

Fun? No.

I... You really want to hear this?

Yeah, I really do.

Every day I feel like
we're making this show worse.

I can barely remember
why I liked it to begin with.

I hate LA. I'm sick of the sunshine
and the mojitos.

I am tired of feeling
fat when I'm not fat.

- You're not fat.
- Thank you.

- Am I fat?
- No, you're not fat.

Really? Ugh. I hate my ass.

I used to have such a great ass.

So, we're done with me?

Oh, sorry. Go on.

Oh, Sean would kill me for saying this,

but if you told me right now
this whole thing was off,

oh, I'd be home in a heartbeat
and I wouldn't mind a bit.

But you're not gonna
tell me that, are you?

Sorry.

- Night, Sam.
- Bye.

Oh, Christ.

See you guys tomorrow.

Honey, it's gonna be all right.

We'll find a skirt.

I know we will.

Look at you all glamour-y.
- Thanks.

You did that fast.
What are you up to tonight?

I've got that benefit
for the rape prevention thingy.

Oh, um, I believe Sean's gonna be there.

Yeah, I know. We'll miss you. 'Night.

I didn't see him behind me
until it was too late.

He hit me with a piece of pipe,
and before I could scream,

he had his hand over my mouth.
But mine was an unusual case.

I once did a pilot with her.

Hmm.

In a recent study published by
the Department of Justice...

- Not a good actress.
- ...only 18% of all victims

were raped by a stranger.

Eighty two percent were attacked
by someone that they know.

- That is why the work...
- I think she does voiceovers now.

Of the Rape Prevention Task Force
is so crucial...

For, like, cartoons and shit.

And why your support is so
vitally important.

Women have to know
how to protect themselves,

- how to keep themselves safe.
- You want to open the wine?

And I am not just speaking
here as a rape victim.

I think we're supposed to wait.

I am also speaking here as a mother.

Here is a staggering statistic.

- It really should breathe. Okay.
- All right.

Over 80% of the women
who report being raped

are under 25 years old.

And that's just the instances
that have been reported.

Rape is called the most under-reported
violent crime in America.

In a large national survey
of American women,

only one out of

every six rapes reported,

was reported to the police.
Now, think about that.

One in six.
That is a staggering statistic.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi.

The Rape Prevention Task Force
is working hard to change all that...

Sorry I'm late. Got stuck in Wardrobe.

- What'd I miss?
- She was raped.

- Oh.
- Now that we have programs

in high schools and college
campuses teaching young women

how to defend themselves,
how to protect themselves.

- I didn't know you were coming.
- Matt invited me.

- You look very nice.
- Shh. Come on, guys. Not cool.

We guide them through the process
of going to the proper authorities,

and we are providing counseling.

It's crazy.
Why am I even worrying about this?

I completely trust him.

The question is, do you trust her?

About as far as I can stretch
her tight little face.

I don't even like her name. Morning.

Well, imagine how ridiculous
that name'll be when she's like 70.

She probably is 70.

- How does she do it?
- I've heard, injections.

- What sort?
- Some kind of serum

- made from Chinese babies.
- Oh, that's horrible.

Do we know where she gets it?

You smoke?

Oh, I'd love one.
But I quit 10 years ago.

Although I did slip the other day,
and it was... No. No, I shouldn't.

I know it's poison. And yet sometimes
even the smell of a cigarette...

Oh, not cigarettes.

Oh, that's fine.

- I didn't know you'd invited her.
Yeah.

Wait, are you two...

Us? No, no. I brought her for you.

And I didn't get you anything.

Well, it just seemed like you guys
were really hitting it off,

so I thought I'd give you some space.

You know, away from...

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I think she likes you.

All right, first of all,
I'm married, happily.

I don't do that sort of thing.

And whether she likes me...
Why do you think she likes me?

I'm telling you, the way
she's always playing up to you...

That's not what that is. I'm her boss.
It's my show.

She has to be nice to me.

I'm not nice to your wife.

Even so, it doesn't matter.
I don't cheat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything about cheating?

I'm talking about a little thing.

Yeah, a little thing is still a thing.

Nah. Like, is a hand job cheating?

- Yes.
- A hand job?

- Yes.
- You know what a hand job is?

Yes.

- So, I guess a blow job...
- Yeah, all the jobs are cheating.

Hand job, blow job, hum job, rim job.

Oh, stop. You're turning me on
with that accent. Ooh.

I'm just saying,
look at what you're giving up.

- I mean, you've seen the tape.
- What tape?

You haven't seen her tape?

- Morning?
- Uh, yeah. About 10 years ago.

It was kind of a big deal
'cause she was playing the mom

on some family show.
But it's her and some black dude,

and they are doing stuff.

Oh, my God.

- I don't want to see it.
- Oh, you want to see it.

How long have you guys been together?

Eight years.

- And he's never...
- What?

- Screwed around.
- Oh, no. Never.

- Although...
- Mmm?

There is some precedent.

Intriguing.

When I first met Sean,
he was married to someone else.

Really?

We both got hired to
write on this, um, sketch show,

and from day one, it was, like,
"Hello, where have you been?"

And we totally clicked,

made each other laugh.
But I told myself nothing could happen.

- He was married.
- How long did that last?

- Five days.
- Look at you with the self-restraint.

Oh. You want more?

No. Yes.

It was a crazy time, both of us
feeling guilty, sneaking around,

always afraid we were gonna get caught.

- That sounds hot.
- Oh, my God.

I've been seeing this guy, also married.

Oh. No one knows,

and I can't tell you his name.

If it got out,
it could ruin a lot of lives.

- It's Merc, right?
- Yeah.

Oh! Hello, boys.

Merc.
- Hey.

Honey, it's Matt LeBlanc and
his pal Chim Chim Cher-ee.

Hi, Matt.
- Hey, uh...

Hello, Sean.
- Hey. How are you?

Wow, I didn't know you two
were gonna be here.

Oh, what, are you kidding me? Jamie
is the co-chair of this whole thing.

- Well, congratulations.
- Wow.

Yup, she's pretty amazing.

She's been working her ass off
for like the last six months.

All I've heard is
rape, rape, rape, rape, rape.

It's enough to make you want to do it.

- Honey.
- Hey, no, I'm kidding.

Hey, you don't laugh at this stuff,
you cry.

- Well, it's a great night.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, it really is. Everything.
The wine, Natalie Cole.

Even the food. You don't expect it
to be good at these things, but uh...

I know. This chef is a genius.

I found him at
the colorectal cancer benefit.

Now I won't use anyone else.

Oh, have you ever been
to the colorectal one?

Oh, my God.
They always do it right around Christmas

with all the twinkly lights.
It's just magical.

Ah.

I also really like the one
for the kids with the harelips.

Last year at the, uh, at the raffle,
I won a car.

- Whoa.
- Well, a Toyota, but still.

- Is Beverly here?
- No. Matt only had one extra ticket.

Oh, you should have called me.

- Uh, I wish I'd known.
- I really like Beverly.

- Yeah, she's great.
- Is she enjoying LA any better?

Uh, well, you know,
we're working so hard on the pilot,

- we really could be anywhere.
- Hey, is this one pushing you too hard?

You know, you just tell me,
because I've a bit of clout with him.

Honey? Honey?

Honey?

He was going to leave her
after Christmas.

- Mmm.
- He just wanted to wait

until they got back from Hawaii.

Apparently, the deposits
weren't refundable or some bullshit.

I don't know,
but he really was going to leave her.

And then she went blind.

Right.

Obviously, he couldn't do anything then.

No.

- I mean, how would that look?
- Not good.

I couldn't believe it. Blind.

Blind.

It's like I was being punished.

Okay.

And now it's...
Oh, it's just back to where we were.

You know, screwing in the office
and taking fake business trips.

I know. I know I should just end it.

But... Oh, God.

I could eat a whole pig right now.

You want to hear something
really pathetic?

I've actually become an expert
on ocular blindness.

I'm online constantly,
reading all the latest research,

and so far, there is really no hope.

But I... I just keep dreaming that

someday some doctor somewhere

will find a cure,

and give that poor woman her sight back,
so he can fucking leave her.

I know.

Mmm. Ooh. Oh, you guys
gotta try this one.

Starts off with like
a deep cocoa flavor,

and then it has an almost ashy finish.

- A what?
- An ashy finish.

That's a real thing.

Mmm, yes.
It's a bright cabernet redolent

of burnt hair and uh, Marlboro Lights.

Or you can both suck my balls.

- Sean.
- Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?
What are you doing in LA?

Uh, I've... I've got a screenplay.

What? You're writing now?

Well, pretending to.

Well, that's brilliant. Although
features, that is a tough game.

- Mmm, yeah.
- Bev and I have a script

we've been trying
to make happen for eight years.

Actually, mine is happening.

- What?
- We start filming in three weeks.

Uh, that's brilliant.
They're making your movie.

- Bryan Singer's directing.
- Oh, brilliant, brilliant.

It's a two-hander with
Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

Matt Damon?
And Keira Knightley.

In your movie. That's... That is...

- Brilliant?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Matt LeBlanc, Morning Randolph,
this is Andrew Lesley.

Andrew used to be our old PA.
But now, apparently, he's got a movie!

So... so what brings you here?

Uh, we're doing a TV pilot.

We're making an American version
of Lyman's Boys.

Awesome. Who's doing Julian's part?

Matt is.

Oh, you're serious.

What, well,
that's fantastic.

Yeah, we changed it a bit. I mean,
it's now about a hockey coach.

It's called Pucks!

- No, really.
- No, really.

Wow. Well, good luck with that.

Uh, I should really get back to Keira.

- Oh, oh. Well, you're here with Keira?
- Mmm. And all the Paramount people.

Yes.

- Uh, nice meeting you both.
- Bye-bye.

Fuck you. Get out of my country.

What kind of sick mind
chains a refrigerator?

It's like locusts came through here.

Oh, there's gotta be something left.

Hello. Doughnut.

From the garbage?

- Yeah.
- Anything, uh, touching it?

Just garbage.

- All right.
- Okay.

Oh, definitely sweet.

Three years ago, he's getting me lattes.
Now he's making a movie

with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

You know, just because
they're making a movie

doesn't mean it's gonna be a good movie,
believe me.

Why should I care about this?
He's not a bad person.

- He's a douche bag.
- Look, don't do this to yourself.

You'll still be making great TV shows
when that little creep

goes back to
getting other people coffee.

You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.

And I don't mean brilliant
like you guys say it.

You're actually brilliant.

- That's... That's very kind.
- Bullshit.

It's not kind, it's true. You may not
realize how long I've been doing this.

I've heard rumors.

So, then you know I know
what I'm talking about.

Before I took this, I watched
every episode of Lyman's Boys.

You did?

Do you even know how talented you are?

I show up at that stage every day, and I
can't believe I get to work with you.

Well, boys, this is me.

Oh, thank you both for a lovely evening.

- Oh. Good night.
- Good night, sweetie.

Come here.

You gonna be okay?

Oh, I... I'm already okay, thank you.

See you tomorrow.

There goes one great opportunity.

And it's back.

It's not my car.
That was embarrassing.

Uh, God, I am covered in dog hair.

- Oh.
Oh, whoa.

Okay, I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't
be driving tonight.

- I think you may be right.
- Hey, you're in Westwood, right?

Mmm.

Seany, you're heading in that direction.

Would you mind?

Um...

Uh, uh, actually,
I need to go back to the office.

I left some script notes there that
Beverly and I need to go over tonight.

Oh. Okay.

Here, come on. I'll take you.

Front door ajar.

- Hello.
- Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Mmm. Mmm.

- Moo shu pork.
- Moo shu pork to you.

How was your bath?

Didn't get to it,
because I got stoned with Carol.

Carol from the network? You did not.

Yes, I did. Your little wine tasting
doesn't look so debauched now, does it?

It does not.

- Oh, what's in the bag?
- Oh.

We all got one.
I haven't looked at it yet.

Corkscrew. Bottle of Merlot.

And a rape whistle.

So how was it? Who was there?
Any famouses?

Oh, the place was crawling with them.

I was two tables away from Sharon Stone,

who was annoying even from the back.

- Sure.
- Miley Cyrus, I think.

- Oooh.
- Uh, Elton John,

who, in person,
looked a lot like Judi Dench.

- Really? Who else?
- Oh, I ran into our old PA, Andrew.

- Oh, little baby Andrew.
- Yeah.

Oh. What's he doing here?

He wrote a movie they're making
with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

- That little prick.
- Thank you.

- Any other familiar faces?
- Oh, Merc and his wife. What's her name?

- Jamie.
- Right. She says hello.

Ah. That was sweet. So, that was it?

What was it?

Anybody else I might know?

Uh, no.

Well, Matt?

Oh, Matt. Right, right. Of course.

- And?
- And that's it.

Really? What, no one else?

I don't think so.

- Not, um... Morning?
- Oh, right. Yeah, Morning.

- What?
- No, I just think it's interesting

that you failed to mention her,
that's all.

Guess I forgot.

You remembered someone who may
have been Miley Cyrus,

but you forgot one of
the stars of our show was there.

All right, fine.
The reason I didn't mention her

was because
I knew it would make you all...

Whatever you're being now.

I'm whatever I'm being now
because you didn't mention her.

Nothing happened.

Well, you say that like there was
a chance something could have happened.

All right, fine.
You want to know the truth?

As opposed to what?

There was a moment between us

at the end of the evening when
something might have happened,

but I chose to leave it
and come home to you.

So is that supposed to
make me feel better,

the fact that you're already
having "moments" with this woman?

- I chose you.
- I would hope so.

You don't get extra points for that.

Right, I'm going to bed.

Yeah, like that. Oh yeah. Fuck me.

Oh, yeah, like that. Oh, harder.

Harder! Oh, yeah! Fuck me!

Oh yeah! Fuck me!