Episodes (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode Six - full transcript

She hates me.

Who?

Nah, she's just hating me.
You're getting like the overflow.

- You think?
- Yeah.

I'm really the star of her hate.
You're at best co-hated.

Trying to kill her with your mind?

Mmm-hmm.

- For some reason, it's not working.
- Oh, my God.

Now, she's got what's-her-name
from the network hating me.

Who? Oh, her.

Are they still staring?
Don't look.



You're a fucking lunatic.
How many diet pills did you take today?

I don't take diet pills.

Okay.

Last night...

Last night I saw Sean wanking
to a porn video of her.

Oh, Jesus. Is that thing still online?

You know about it?

Are you kidding?
Merc used to make us watch it.

It "helped" him.

Ew!

So what did he say when you caught him?

- He didn't see me.
- Oh, God.

I remember that video.
She has the most amazing abs.

I don't know how she does it.



I do like a bajillion crunches a day
and I still look like a before picture.

You really can't not talk about you,
can you?

I know. It's a problem.

Hello.

I hear you two stoners
made quite a night of it last night.

For the record, that is not something
I make a habit of.

You had pre-rolled joints in your bag.

Yeah, well,
I also have tampons in my bag

but I only use them once a month. What?

He likes to pretend that doesn't happen.

- That's not true.
- Menstrual flow.

Wait, wait, wait.

You guys have
a hiatus day tomorrow, right?

Thank God.

Free for lunch?

Oh, that would be fun.

Not with me, with Merc.

That would be less fun.

Oh, come on.

You'll schmooze,
you'll talk about the show.

You'll tell him how great it's going.

Is there a problem?

Mmm. Not a problem per se.

The way you say per se, it's like,
"It's not a tumor, per se."

There's a chance Merc may have cooled
on the show a little bit.

What?
Five days ago he was over the moon.

That was five days ago.

We're shooting a lot of pilots now.
Bright, shiny new things.

I just think if you have lunch
it'll give him a chance

to remember how crazy he is
about the two of you.

Seriously?

Merc's just one of those guys.

Sometimes he needs to be reminded
of the people he loves.

- Back on you?
- Oh, so what?

- Hi.
- Hey. What are you doing here?

How did you get past
the guard at the gate?

- I waved.
- Of course you did.

- Is Beverly home?
- Why?

I need to talk to her.
I couldn't sleep last night.

I feel like for some reason
she hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

Honey, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

All right, look.
She doesn't hate you, per se.

She's just a little jealous.

Jealous of what?

She has these ridiculous concerns
that there might be a certain...

Attraction between us.

- Why?
- I don't know.

She sees us together on sets...

- Doing what?
- Nothing. That's what I told her.

Yeah, but that's crazy.
I'll talk to her.

Also, I may not have helped
the situation by telling her our little

moment the other night.

Are you being funny?

I can't tell when you're being funny.
What moment?

At the charity thing, when you asked me
to drive you home.

That wasn't a moment.

- It was a bit of a moment.
- No, not a moment.

I asked you to drive me home
because I had too much to drink.

Okay.

Hey! Smuggy! I wasn't asking you
to "drive me home" drive me home.

I have a boyfriend. We live together.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Even if I was looking for something else

it wouldn't be
with my executive producer.

You don't shit where you eat.

What about toilets in restaurants?

Wow, you really can't tell
when I'm being funny.

- No.
- No, wait. This is a bad, bad idea.

First of all, you'll be waking her up
and then she'll definitely hate you.

A better plan might be we let this go.

No. You gotta talk about stuff.

You see, here we have
a significant cultural divide.

Our people don't believe
in talking about stuff.

We prefer suppressing the stuff
and letting it fester.

It's kind of our thing.

Listen, I know my wife.

However well you imagine
this conversation will go,

it will only make things worse.

Listen, we've got one more day
of shooting.

Let's just get on with it
and everyone can calm down.

I don't want to lose my job.

You won't lose your job,
I'll see to that. I promise.

Okay. Thank you.

- And that was also not a...
- Not a moment.

- Not a moment. Okay.
- No. Not a moment.

What are you doing?

Bev, what are you doing?

- Stop.
- No.

- Please.
- No.

I'm going home. You stay.
You're obviously flourishing here.

Is this because I went surfing today?

Okay, obviously it's not
because I went surfing, is it?

Bev, come on, talk to me. Bev? Bev!

Look, I realize
LA hasn't exactly been...

This is isn't about LA.

Bev, Bev, come on.

Front door ajar.

Wait. Is it about the show?

It's one more day of shooting,
a week in Post.

Move.

Front door ajar.

One week, then the work will be done

and we can both leave together
with our heads held high.

Heads held...
Have you not seen our heads?

It's all we can do to not kick them
when we walk.

All right, look.
We've made some compromises...

This isn't about the fucking show.

Front door ajar.

Well, then what is it about?

Front door ajar.

Does this bitch ever shut up?

Front door ajar.

You know what this is about.

What?

Morning? Oh, my God.

Look, I'm telling you
I have no interest in her at all.

I saw you wanking to her
the other night.

What? I... No, I...

What... How did... Who did...

No, I don't...

Front door ajar.

All right, there may have been
a little wanking

but there is nothing between us.

- I just saw you with her.
- What?

I saw you with her just now.

I saw you hugging her
in front of our house.

She wasn't here to... She...
There was... She wanted to...

- Ernesto! Ernesto!
- What?

Please turn that off!

I'm sorry. Did you want me?

I wanted you to
turn off the leaf blower!

- I did.
- Yeah, now! But before...

Hey, Bev! No, Bev, wait!

Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean, you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

Automated dialing.

Call Bob.

- Command.
- Call Bob.

- Dialing Mom.
- No, not Mom! Bob.

Cancel. Cancel.

Stop!

Hello.
- Hey, Ma. It's Matt.

Nothing, just calling to say hi.

Oh, God.

Oh!

Oh, come on. You?

What are you doing here?

- Uh, it was my car that got in your way.
- What?

I was coming to pick up Sean
to go dirt biking.

Oh, Jesus.

Are you okay? Are you hurt?

I don't think so.

- Anything feel broken?
- No.

Well, why don't you try getting
out of the car.

Easy now. Easy now.

How's that feel?

Yeah, all right, I think.

You're sure? Your neck? Your back?
Feel your hands?

Um, yeah, I think I'm okay. Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Good.

Then who the fuck drives like that?

You weren't even a little over the line,

you were right there
all the way over on my side!

The whole fucking car full of stupid.

I must have confused my countries.

- Seriously?
- Well, Sean does most of the driving.

Oh, really? Is that how you keep
your death count so low?

I'm sorry.

- It's Sean.
- So?

I'm not speaking to him.

Maybe really teach him a lesson.
Take him for a drive.

Christ.

Sorry.

- Sean.
- Don't.

- Hello.
- Matt, it's Sean.

- Hey.
- I'm sorry.

I know you're probably
already on your way here,

but I have to cancel.

Oh, yeah? What's happening?

- Bev and I had a bit of a fight.
- You're kidding?

- She's usually so fun and easy going.
- No, this is bad.

This is really bad,
she packed her bag and took off.

Shit. You don't know where she is?

On her way back to London I think.

She's not answering her phone.

All right.

Let me know what happens
and we'll talk later.

Okay.

Thank you.

And just up ahead
we have the home of

Bridget Jones herself,
Miss Ren?e Zellweger.

Whoa. Whoa. You guys are in luck today.

Take a look on your left.
It's TV's Joey, Matt LeBlanc.

Hey, Matt, Matt. How you doin'?

- How you doin'?
- Smile!

- Not so good.
- Ouch.

Loving the grey hair.
Very distinguished.

- Thanks.
- So, when's that Friends reunion

- gonna happen, huh?
- Not today.

How about you?
You ever going to work again?

Soon.

Is your friend anybody?

- No.
- All right.

We gotta get going. See you, Matt.

Matt LeBlanc, everybody.

- Bye!
- Bye-bye now.

- That was unpleasant.
- Yeah. I gotta get out of here.

Don't we have to call the police or...

No, no, no. I'll call my assistant,
she'll take care of everything.

- Jesus.
- What?

You're bleeding.

Oh.

Hi, Bev, it's me again.

I don't know where you are,
maybe on a plane already, I don't know.

I'm about to have
that bloody lunch with Merc

to try and save our stupid show.

Although, right now I have no idea why.

But please, please when you get this,
please call me.

There is nothing between me and Morning.

Except, of course, for the wanking.
I'm not very proud of that.

But other than some garden variety
masturbation, there's...

What? What? You don't do that here?

Ow! That hurts!

Oh, it's just a little scrape.
Don't be such a baby.

I'm not a baby. I just had a car crash.

No, you caused a car crash.

It's not even bleeding any more.
There. Done.

- Thank you.
- You want a drink?

It's not even noon.

You just had a car crash.

Whisky, please. Straight.

There you go.

You have a lovely home.

Thanks.

You have taste.

Don't sound so shocked.

- Well...
- Yeah.

Sean said something about
you going back to London?

Right. That's where I was heading

when you came at me
with your proper driving skills.

Well, that kind of sucks.

Not even done shooting
and you're just taking off?

I'm sorry, I realize
it's not very professional

but really the show can't get any worse
without me.

What are you talking about?
The show's good.

- Uh, no.
- What?

- It's not good.
- It's good.

And yet, it's not.

Shut up.

All right.

What's not good about it?

It's not funny enough.

It's not smart enough,
there's nothing unique or special.

It's just profoundly mediocre.

You're talking about our show?

I know, it's shocking.
Something called Pucks! isn't good.

Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Not just mine.

Sean's having lunch with Merc right now
to try and salvage the thing,

which I doubt very much
he'll be able to do.

Are you serious?
God! It's really not good?

It's really not. I thought I was clear.

How did this happen? Huh?

When you did it over there,
it was great.

You're actually asking me that?

You might want to call
a cleaning company

'cause there could be a lot of bits
about when my head explodes!

- Why?
- Why?

The show we did over there
was about a witty, urbane headmaster

hopelessly in love with
a middle-aged lesbian.

This show is pretty much
Joey as a hockey coach

exchanging banter with a little hottie,
who we all know,

he'll eventually get into the sack.

Not precisely the same show.

Yeah, well, you know,
if you didn't like it that way

then you shouldn't have done it.

Again.

What?

Shouldn't have done it?
As if we ever had a choice.

You are an unstoppable force.
This is the show you wanted.

You made him a hockey coach,
you made her straight.

Every shitty change we've had to make
is because of you.

Oh, yes, my friend.

You caused this car wreck.

Me again. And I don't know why.

Unless you're waiting
for a certain number of calls.

"Right, 31, I think I'll pick up now."

All right, he's here.

I swear to God, he's hugging a waiter.

And here he comes, I got to go.

Please, sir, I want some more.

Oh, little Oliver.

Wouldn't be lunch without him.

Where's me lady?

Me lady
has been throwing up all morning.

Stomach flu.
Yeah, she wanted to come, but...

So, talk to me. How's it going?

Well, the show is going very well.
Bev and I can't wait for you to see it.

I don't want to over sell it,
but I think you'll be rather pleased.

Well, that's great.

You know, the stuff between Matt
and the boys is extraordinary.

And I'll have to say you were so right
to champion the idea of him

being a hockey coach.

Really? That's working?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Matt's found a lot of physical humor.

He really is genius.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.
It was your idea to cast him.

Can you see him playing a con man?

- What?
- A con man.

In like a one-hour, kind of,
a light comedy drama?

- Um...
- He'd be good, right? As good as Stamos.

Uh, John Stamos from ER?

He's better than Stamos, right?

Well, I suppose.
Well, he is very good in our show.

- May I ask...
- Hang on a second.

Come here, you talented fuck.

- Hey, man, how are you doing?
- Good to see you, good.

Did you get that pilot?
- Yeah, I got it.

- You did? What did I tell you?
- Yeah.

I really needed this one to work.

I know.

Is it too late to fix it?

We could go back to the original script.

- Yeah?
- And re-cast.

- You're mean.
- I am mean.

What do I do now?

You'll find something else.

They sent me this script
about a con man.

It's a total piece of crap.

It's like, "Why would I wanna do that?"

When we're doing
our own piece of crap already.

Yeah, you laugh.

At least you get to go home after this.
I don't have any other countries.

Right.

Question is, what am I going back to?

And will I be married when I'm there?

What are you talking about?

I know about Sean and Morning.

- Sean's not doing it.
- Don't even bother.

I know you're on his side.
I can't believe anything you say.

Alrighty.

You know of all the horrible things
I imagined about doing a TV show here,

I never saw this one coming.

Yeah, it's a fun town.

And you just know
I'm going to come off as the villain.

You? Why?

I don't know, somehow.

'Cause it's Sean and he's wonderful,
and charming. Everyone loves him.

So, I always come off like the bitch.

Maybe you are a bitch.

I'd like to think I just have integrity.

Yeah. That's why people always say,

"She's such a fucking woman
with integrity."

Do people really call me a bitch?

Nah.

Probably just me.

Fucking feta cheese.

Suddenly it's everywhere,
you know what I mean?

Enough with the feta.

Yes, I suppose it is one of your more
ubiquitous cheeses.

- Hmm.
- What?

My wife just walked in.

What? Oh, do you want to go over?

Nah, I saw her this morning.

You don't want to at least say hello?

If I don't talk too loud,
she'll never know I'm here.

It's one of the perks.

Ah.

Hey, speaking of wives.

Does yours know about the thing
with you and Morning Randolph?

- What?
- Come on.

The thing with you and Morning.

Me and... No. Where'd you hear that?

A little birdie told me.

Who are the Lincolns?

Put down the fucking BlackBerry.

It's down. Who are the Lincolns?

Sean and Beverly. The English couple.

And I'm having lunch with them, why?

You like them.

I like their accents.

It'll be nice. They're interesting.

Tell me one thing
that's interesting about them

and I'll have lunch with them.

He maybe screwing Morning Randolph.

Huh?

Maybe we'll go to Vincenti.
Oh, slow down. I'm close.

I assure you there is nothing,
nothing going on between me and Morning.

Hey, I wouldn't blame you if there was.
I've been to that rodeo.

Let me tell you that bronco can buck.

- What, you and Morning?
- Oh, yeah.

Years ago. She still had her real tits.
Man, do I remember it.

You've seen her video, right?

Yeah, I believe I have.

Well, in person, oh, my God.

She does stuff.

My dick was sending me thank you notes.

Me and the balls just want to say
"muchas gracias".

So they're Spanish.

But, can I give you a little advice?

I can't tell you how to write.

I couldn't even tell you
what makes a TV show work.

- Good to know.
- But I could tell you this.

This thing with Morning? Don't do it.

- Oh, I have no intention of doing it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen to me, it's not worth it.
What you have with...

Beverly.

I know.

What you have with Beverly
is so precious and so rare,

it's like what I have
with that amazing woman over there.

It'll be so easy to cheat on her...

Well, obviously.

Right.

- But I would never do it.
- Okay.

You and me,
we're the last of the good guys.

We got to stay strong.

We owe it to ourselves.

And we owe it
to those remarkable, beautiful women.

But you don't want to go over
and say hello.

I'll see her at home.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Mmm. No.

Well, that seems massively unfair.

Well, I'm usually the one
doing the doing.

Is it the gigantic dick?
Does it demand more than one woman?

I assume you don't want
to make it cross.

Our marriage counselor said
I have a need to sabotage my happiness.

But I like your dick thing better.

I think you just like your dick thing.

I still can't believe you took it out
and showed it to my husband.

Who does that?

I want to say,
not guys with little dicks.

Well, he was traumatized.

He had nightmares about
enormous dachshunds and rogue bananas.

Serves him right, the bastard.

How could he do this to me?

I know. Men.

No, I'm actually asking you.
How could he do it?

I don't understand...

You might know. You're the expert.

Did you love your wife?

Yeah. I loved her.

So?

How could you just chuck that away?
What were you thinking?

Um, I wasn't.

The shrink also said I have an inability

to appreciate the consequences
of my actions.

- You're just a mess, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.

Well...

You should be proud,
you taught my husband well.

How much of this was your doing?

How much of what was my doing?

I'm just thinking.

The night you went to that rape thing,

you had two extra tickets,
but you took Sean and her, not me.

What were you up to there?

I don't know.

Ow. I guessed I liked her better,
she didn't kick me.

Bollocks.
What the hell were you trying to do?

Hey! Okay.

I just wanted him to have a little fun.

That was back when
I didn't think you were fun.

You bloody prick. You set them up.

- Let go.
- Okay.

If you promise to stop kicking me.

I promise.

You are responsible for every
terrible thing that has happened to me

- since I got here.
- Damn it. Stop that.

You destroyed my show,
you destroyed my marriage.

- Okay. Okay.
- Ow!

Okay, you wanna let it out?
Fine, let it out.

Yeah, let it out. Ow!
Okay, stop letting it out.

Enough letting it out.

No.

Is that a...

No.

Yes, it is. I can feel it.

Maybe a semi.

That's just a semi?

I'm horrified on so many levels.

And on the other levels?

You're disgusting.

Sure.

If you want me to stop,

say "Stop".

Stop.

Oh, my God.

That really was just a semi.