Entourage (2004–2011): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Young and the Stoned - full transcript

- I cannot find this place.
- Why are you too proud

to use your navigation system?
Ask yourself that.

I tried the navigation, Turtle.
It can't find it either.

Oh, that's too bad 'cause

you're about to miss
the day's last bit of sun.

Just tell me where to turn.
I'm on Poplar.

Uh, I don't know Poplar.
Why don't you head back down the hill?

- I'll give you directions from Sunset.
- I don't even know

where the bottom is. Why did we have
to move all the way up here anyway?

'Cause it's an insane house,
that's why.

Well, for 30 G's a month it should be.



Oh, stop stressing about money.

Vince says if he never
makes another dollar

his advance check from "Clouds" can
keep us in this house for 16 months.

- 18 months.
- 18 months.

Oh, that will stop me from stressing.
Okay, wait a second,

wait a second. I think I'm
heading back down right now.

Durand Drive...
Does that sound familiar?

Yeah yeah, turn there.

- God damn it.
- What?

Some girl just ran into me.

Oh my God, I think it's Anna Faris.

Really?

You know what? Let me call you back.

What happened?



Anna Faris just smashed into E.

Sweet.

- Did you not see me?
- Oh, I am so sorry.

I just... I got distracted for a second.

It's totally my fault.

Well, it's okay. It was an accident.

Um, would you mind
not coming any closer?

Why? You think I'm, like, some kind
of a crazy fan or something?

No no, it's just that I'm in a towel.

I just got done with Pilates
and I forgot a change.

And, you know, who wants to wear
sweaty clothes after a shower?

So you decided
to drive home in a towel?

- Yeah. It's a little weird, huh?
- Not weird.

It's just not very practical
in case you got in an accident.

Yeah. Um... so what now?

Well, I guess
I've got to get your insurance, right?

I don't have my wallet.

Okay, you're just a mess today.

But your fly is down.

No, it's not.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to
take some of the attention off me.

Look, I'm feeling a little exposed.
Can I give you my number?

I'm gonna be home in, like, 10 minutes

and then I'll give you
everything you need.

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

Let me get my phone
and get your number.

- I'm really sorry.
- That's okay. It'll be all right.

What time's dinner, Daddy?

As soon as I'm done
with this script, sweetie.

- Okay.
- Oh my God,

that is so funny!

No, you are kidding me.

That is so funny.

Oh my God, too funny.

Will you shut up?

Okay then. Um, yes, ASAP.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Well, guess who that was.

Um... Let me see,

it was Cara Grossman
and she wants to know

if she should
get her eyebrows

waxed first or if you should.

It was my old producer
from "The Young and the Restless. "

- What did he want?
- Me.

I don't get it.

Well, it's the 35th
anniversary of "Y&R"

and they want me
to reprise my role as Kendall Scott.

Are you serious?

I am.

It seems that Kendall still
gets quite a bit of fan mail

and the writers
were in a bind and they've come up

with a little idea
that could work for tomorrow.

- I hope you told them no.
- I told them we'd talk about it.

We talked about it.
So you tell them no.

We have not talked about it, Ari.

Well, honey,
what is there to talk about?

I don't know, um...
Tell me that it's exciting

and that if I did it, I'd be good.

It's a soap opera, baby. There is no
good, there's just degrees of bad.

Well, then tell me
that I would be pretty,

as pretty as the day I left the show.

Well, you left the show
when you were 25

and now they shoot
everything in high def.

You are such an asshole!

- Come on, baby.
- Yeah, right. Well, ask anybody,

you've aged a lot worse
than I have, baby.

Come here, honey.
Where are you going?

- To call my producer...
- For what?

...and tell him
Kendall Scott, town slut, is back.

What's up, boys?

Pfft, for a guy who just
got into an accident, you seem happy.

Maybe he's got a head injury.

It's a fender-bender, Drama.
I'm fine. Are you nuts?

Well, I hope you didn't
tell Ms. Faris that,

'cause we're gonna sue
the crap out of her.

We're not suing anybody.
There's barely any damage.

Yeah, visible damage,

but internal damage
is a whole other thing.

- Let it go, Drama.
- E, come on, what's up?

I don't know. She's cute.

- That she is.
- We had a little moment.

- Pfft. No shot.
- No way.

You're not a member
of the celeb club, bro.

- It'll never happen.
- I got her number.

I crashed into an 80-year-old woman
once. She gave me her number too.

Whatever. I'm calling.

I bet my left nut
he could not close Anna Faris.

Oh, gee, a bet I'd love to win.

- Shit.
- What happened?

She gave me the wrong number.

Aw, don't feel too bad, E.

You're just
a regular person, a civilian.

Too bad she didn't hit me.

We'd be fucking by now.

- Good morning, Ari.
- Is that smirk for me

or are your Ben Wa balls shifting?

Just wondering how you're feeling

about not being the biggest star
in your house anymore.

Oh, don't be a wiseass.
How did you know?

- It's on Defamer.
- You're kidding.

Oh, Ari, be proud of her.

She's gonna light up the screen

and bring a newfound excitement
to Genoa City.

- You watch that shit?
- "Y&R" is fourth

on my TiVo Season Pass priority list.

I haven't missed an episode
in 12 years.

That is so sad.

You should go down
to the set today, Ari.

Watch your wife's work,
be supportive.

I've got my own life's work
to support, Lloyd.

Lloyd!

Who the hell is this?

That's the underage
student she seduces, Julio.

It's not a great picture.
I have a better one.

It's my screen saver, if you wanna see.

- Clear my schedule.
- Even your lunch?

I'm going to be eating
Julio's lunch today.

Hi, Julio.

- I got it.
- Got what?

Anna Faris's address.
Wait till she sees me

show up on her doorstep.

What? I should pay for the car?

E, is this really about the money

or is this about your little moment?

- We did have a moment.
- She's an actress.

- So what, I'm an idiot?
- No, she's a good actress.

Is E still bitching
about being bitch-slapped by a bitch?

He's rightfully upset.

Yeah, well, let it go.
We have bigger problems.

What's that Turtle? Pink Dot
insisting on seeing a note before you

- use Vince's credit card again?
- Ho ho ho.

They discontinued his favorite weed.

Ourfavorite weed,

and it's not discontinued,
it's extinct, gone forever.

Like the Yangtze River dolphin.

I gotta wait for the cable guy today.
How am I gonna do that with no weed?

Why don't you pick up
one of the other 50 kinds of weed

you've been living off
for the last 20 years?

I'm too distraught.

Turtle, what if I was to tell
you that I have a secret stash

of the most-recently-extinct
Aurora Borealis

in a box in the living room?

I would say if I wasn't
worried about appearances,

I would kiss you
right now, Vin. How much you got?

Enough to make waiting
for the cable guy tolerable.

Fantastic.

You know what?
Maybe I'll stick around,

cook us a nice lunchtime feast.
You do the shopping.

If I pick the menu.

Done. You in, E?

I can't.
Got too much stuff to do today.

I'll see you guys later.

What's he gotta do?

I really miss this lovely canvas.

Oh, well,
I hope I don't disappoint, Steven.

It's really nerve-wracking

when you haven't been
in front of the camera for so long.

Don't worry. You look as good
as ever and you will be fantastic.

Surprise, honey.
Your husband has arrived.

Ari, what are you doing here?

Well, I wanted to see your work.

I wanted to be the supportive husband
and meet your colleagues.

Hello, how are you?
Ari Gold. Nice to meet you.

I am the man behind
this beautiful woman.

Your wife has the most amazing skin.

- She does, doesn't she?
- Uh, Steven,

do you think you could give
us just a couple seconds?

Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you need.

Okay.

Ari, really, what are you doing here?

I heard about your scene.

Oh, come on, it's a soap.
What did you think I was gonna be doing?

I don't know,
discovering that your husband

is really your
long-lost tranny cousin?

Who gives a shit? All I know is

I don't want another
man's lips on my wife.

- It's barely a kiss.
- And how are your kids

going to explain that in school

when people ask why their Mommy

is on TV barely kissing Juan Valdez?

Sarah's best friend's mother just got
raped on "Criminal Minds" last week.

A) rape is involuntary
and B) it's prime time.

- You are such an asshole.
- Baby,

you're 30 minutes away
from getting it on

with a 19-year-old Latin bullfighter

and I pass on hot pieces of ass

that throw themselves
at me all day every day

without so much
as a cupping of an ass cheek.

You know what? I'll tell
you, if you can get one of them

to fuck you on national television,
you have my blessing.

Ari, go back to work.

Baby, we agreed to suffer
through monogamy together.

If you love me, you won't do it!

If you love me,
you will get the hell out of here.

Seriously, Ari, you are pissing me off.

Go back to work.

- Hello?
- Anna.

- Yeah, who's this?
- The guy you smashed into last night.

Oh my God, I am so sorry I gave
you the wrong phone number.

- Yeah, you did.
- Oh, it was a total accident.

- Another one?
- Hey, um...

How did you find my house?

- Star Maps.
- Right.

So are you, like, here to beat me up?

- No.
- 'Cause you do realize

it's a little nutty
tracking me down like this, right?

If you didn't
look so harmless, I'd be worried.

- I look harmless?
- Yeah, that's a good thing.

I'm in the business. I manage Vincent Chase.

I'm not a crazy person.
I'm just a little pissed off.

I mean, you blew off the accident.

Look, if I can just get
your insurance info, that'd be great.

Yeah. Okay, come in.

Thank you.

I swear I didn't do it on purpose.

The phone is new
and I'm just totally number dyslexic.

3253, 2353...

My brain just can't
process the difference.

Well, I'm sorry
to just show up like this.

No, listen,
I'm crazy enough to do the same thing.

In high school
someone put gum on my locker once

and I spent three weeks
trying to track down who it was.

What happened?

Uh, I got my ass kicked by Jane Nevins,

the 300-Ib resident school lunatic.

So should we do this?

- Yeah.
- Okay, here's mine.

There's my stuff right there.

So is your car totally screwed up?

Uh, not too bad, actually. Yours?

Completely.
I did something to the wheels.

You know, I guess it's what I deserve.

Yeah, I've been waiting
40 minutes for a cab

to take me to a meeting. I am so late.

I can give you a lift.

Really? You'd do that?

I probably should have
asked how far first.

Oh no, it's really close.

- No problem then.
- Okay, I'm gonna go grab my stuff.

Okay.

- This is nice.
- Yeah. Yeah.

We don't get too much alone
time, just you and me, bro.

Yeah.

So what do you want to do?

Well, we got no TV.

- Wanna talk?
- Sure.

I got nothin'.

Yeah, me neither. You wanna smoke?

We promised Turtle we'd wait.

- I won't tell if you don't.
- Spark it up.

Oh, yeah.

The little bastard took it all.

I was right to take it, 'cause you guys
cannot control yourselves.

When are you bringing it back?
Vince is bored.

I'll be home soon. Relax.

You'd better not smoke any of that

before you get back, Turtle.

Did you hear that?
Vince feels violated.

Oh, please. I would have come
home to nothing but stems

if I left it with you two degenerates.

Excuse me.
Hey, I only have a few things.

Would you mind
if I went ahead of you?

I'll call you back.

Uh, sure, yeah, I'll let you go,

but if your boyfriend comes running
up here with 20 more items,

- I'm gonna be pissed.
- I don't have a boyfriend.

Then by all means.

Thanks.

Healthy living.

Yeah, me and my friends
are having a little midday fiesta.

Hey, you know what?
Me and my friends are having one too.

Maybe we should, uh, combine parties.

- I don't think so.
- Oh, come on.

I guarantee you
our party will be better than yours.

Oh, yeah? Why?

'Cause it's at Vincent Chase's house.

Really?

- Javier.
- Yes?

Ari Gold. Do you know me?

Oh, yes yes, I know of you.

I'd shake your hand,
but I just used my cocoa butter.

Are you interested
in representing me?

I may be. I may be,

but right now I'm interested

in talking to you
about your scene today.

Scene? I have many scenes.

There's only one scene
that I wanna talk to you about.

- Which one is that?
- It's the one with Mrs. Gold.

- Mrs. Gold?
- Yeah, my wife.

- She plays Kendall Scott.
- Oh, Kendall Scott.

I'm sorry, I only
know character names.

I'm a method actor.

Mm, well, uh...

You're supposed to
kiss her on the mouth.

- Just acting.
- Don't.

Mr. Gold,
the script says that I have to.

Look, Javier, I can help you, okay?

You don't want to spend
the rest of your life

having fat middle-aged
women and odd homosexual men

getting off to your work, do you?
You have bigger dreams,

I'm sure, and let me tell you,

as anyone in this town can tell you,

I am a dream weaver, all right?

So you focus on what I'm saying

and I will have you
kissing Ugly Betty by Christmas,

but nobody gets
to kiss my wife, nobody but me.

Oh, this is nice.

I can get used to having
a personal driver.

Well, I might have to take the job just
to keep the roads safe...

- Oh!
... with you driving, yes.

You know, you did stop short.

What are you talking about?
When you are the person

that crashes into another person,
it's always your fault.

That's common knowledge.
Everybody knows that.

Yeah, I know...

But you did stop short.

A little bit. But still, your fault.

So where am I taking you anyway?

Oh, I've got this meeting
with a director

- for this movie I'm gonna do.
- Oh yeah? What movie?

- "Brown-Eyed Girl. "
- Okay, I've read that.

They sent it over
for Vince a ways back.

So what happened? You didn't like it?

No, not for Vince.

Do you like it for me?

I mean, I don't know. I read it for Vince.

Nice save.

No, seriously, it was a long time ago.

I don't even remember specifics.
So is this it?

Yeah. Um... look, can you please

be honest with me and tell me
what you thought of the script?

What does it matter what I think?

Well, because
now I've gotta go into this meeting

and you're all in my head and...

Just humor me. I can take it.

Okay. All right, look, I didn't like it.

I mean, if it were just
a regular romantic comedy,

I'd go, "Okay, it's cute. " But it's not.
It tries to be so much more.

All right?
When movies do that, I don't know,

it just... It pisses me off.

All right, look,
the third act... When it looks like

they're gonna get back together
and all of a sudden

she's taking off to start an
organic dog food company?

I mean, come on.
It just felt broad and manipulative

and just... I don't know, I didn't buy it.

You really forgot the specifics, huh?

- Was that just way too honest?
- No no no no.

No, I appreciate it.
And I really appreciate the ride.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

So I guess our
insurance people will talk?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Okay, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.
Good luck on your meeting.

- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.

So when do we get to smoke
some of this allegedly extinct weed?

When we get back to the house.

- Why can't we just smoke some now?
- 'Cause I promised my friends

I wouldn't smoke it without them.

That's kind of gay.

I thought you were gonna bring
two friends as hot as you.

Stop. She's cool.

What's he saying about me up there?

Nothing.

- Can we at least smell it?
- You can, 'cause you're hot.

Oh, eat me.

Not even if you bathe yourself
in butterscotch, sweetheart.

That smells good.

Just pass the bowl back
and let us take one hit.

Put the cap back on,
pass it up and shut up.

- Turtle!
- Stop sign!

Oh, shit.

Oh, great great.

Way to go, retard.

Hello, Officer.

License, registration, please.

It's in here.
I'm gonna reach for it slow.

What's that smell?

Bring it in, bring it in. Right there.

And action!

- Miss Kendall.
- Come on, Julio,

you can't honestly call me
that with a straight face

now that you're all grown up.

I'm sorry. You look amazing.

Miss Kendall, you were my babysitter.

You're not a baby anymore.

And now that we're both adults,

I thought we could
catch up like adults.

- Miss Kendall...
- Julio,

what would you do to me

if I let you do anything

and if I promised
never to tell your Uncle Juan?

Julio, tell me, what would you do?

I would do...

This.

Cut!

What the fuck was that?
You're supposed to kiss her.

I thought it was
a little bit more romantic.

- It's not. Let's do it again.
- I'd rather not.

You'd rather not what?

I'd rather not kiss her.

What is the problem here?

I'm sorry, is it me?
Am I doing something wrong?

No no no, it's not you.
You're an incredible woman.

So what then?

It's him.

He threatened my career
and he promised me "Ugly Betty. "

I will be right back.

Uh, you are interfering with my work.

Baby, come on.

Honey, no matter what you say
or do, he's not gonna kiss you.

- Oh, really?
- No, it's not gonna happen, honey.

You really think that? Okay.

I kissed him. It's done. Let's shoot this.

Agh!

You don't look like
you have glaucoma to me.

- What's he saying to him?
- I don't know,

but can he arrest all of us for this?

I'm telling him
he kidnapped us if he tries.

Officer, please.
We purchased that weed legally.

- We weren't gonna smoke it.
- Son, I don't want to hear

another syllable out of you
unless I ask you a question.

Now it says your truck is
registered to Vincent Chase.

Yeah, I'm sort of his driver.
Are you a fan?

And if I throw you in jail,
who's gonna drive your movie star down

- to bail you out?
- I don't know, sir, but please...

- Get down on your knees!
- What?

Down! Now!

- Flat on your stomach!
- Are you gonna shoot me right now?

No.

Drop it in the sewer.

Now get in your car
and get out of here.

I can go?

Better make it quick
before I change my mind.

Thank you, Officer. Thank you.

- What happened?
- Are you okay?

He made me
throw the weed down the sewer.

Oh, bet your friends
are gonna be pissed.

Can I tape your
mouth shut if you're wrong?

What... What are you doing?

What?

I don't believe this guy.

What is he doing?

How?

Put it on the ledge.

- Wow, even I'm impressed.
- Yay!

Never tell an actress
you don't like her work, E.

Or an actor for that matter. It hurts.

I know. I'm an idiot.

Don't feel too bad.
You were never gonna get her anyway.

Oh, thanks, Drama.
I feel much better now.

Anna.

- Hello.
- Hey, Eric, it's Anna.

Hey.

Listen, I felt like
we got cut off today.

Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?

Yes, sure. Sounds great.

- I can take a cab or...
- No, I'll pick you up.

- Great. How's 8:00?
- Perfect.

- All right, cool.
- I'll see you at 8:00.

Anna just asked me
to go out to dinner with her.

Nice!

- She asked you?
- Yeah.

Make sure you pay.
End this cycle of bitchdom.

I'm home.

Finally.

You'd better have
something good, Turtle.

Looks like someone found
some fresh meat at the market.

Guys, this is Laurie, Morgan...

And yours, Drama. E, I didn't know
you were gonna be here,

or else I would have found a fourth.

You and Drama can
fight it out for her.

Thanks, Turtle.

Hi there. Jonathan Chase.

- Hi.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Yes!
- Yeah, try taking that

and I'll break your fucking fingers.

It's 8:00. What are you doing in bed?

Long day. I'm relaxing.

The kids eat?

- I made lasagna.
- You did?

It was Stouffer's,
but I did the microwaving.

Look, about today...

Forget today, all right?
Let's never talk about today again.

It's over and I'm no longer mad...

You're no longer mad?

Well, I am mad, you selfish prick.

- And I want an apology, Ari.
- No no no, your little Latin joyride

means me never having
to say I'm sorry.

- What, you're not gonna apologize?
- No, I'm not.

Well, then how are we gonna
get past this?

I'm already past it,

unless you're gonna go
kiss another guy.

- Then we're all good, all right?
- Well, I just may.

They asked me to be
a series regular on the show.

You're bluffing.

Am I?

I'm sorry, okay? I get jealous.

You're possessive.
I don't want an apology for that.

What... For what then?

For...

For telling me that I am old

and that I wouldn't
photograph in high def.

It's a legitimate concern.

Look, I just didn't
want you doing it, all right?

I like the way things are.
I don't want you on television.

I don't want
some 19-year-old kissing the lips

that I'm supposed
to be kissing, all right?

Listen, if you wanna go
and be a soap whore every day,

just do it knowing that you make
your husband miserable.

You think I want to do it, Ari?

I gave up acting to have a family

and I have never ever regretted it.

I like the way things are.

I just wanted to have
one day of stupid fun.

With Julio down at the schoolyard.

Well, if I'm so old and ugly,
why do you even care?

Well, some guys are into that.
I mean, you know...

Tell me that I am sexy, Ari.

Honey, you are...

The beautiful mother of my children.

And I respect you.

Mmm, Julio.

Oh, Julio.

You little slut!

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

I swear to God, my life...
I thought I was gonna die.

Oh my God, you're insane.

And thoroughly entertaining.

Thank you so much
for coming to dinner with me.

There's no arguments... It's on me.

No shot. I'm paying.

Oh, no no. We're gonna have to
fight it out when the bill comes.

- Oh, we will.
- Okay.

- So how was your meeting?
- Not good.

I told you, you were in my head.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I should have kept my mouth shut.

No no. You know what?
You were right.

I reread the script and I hate it.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

I knew I was justifying, though.

I mean, it shoots in Italy
for three months.

How great would that be?
But it's just not that good.

So what are you gonna do now?

I told my agent to get me out of it.

Oh my God, I feel terrible.

- This director's gonna kill me.
- No no no no.

No, you were right.
And good advice is hard to come by.

- Well...
- I actually wouldn't mind

picking your brain
for some more advice.

Sure.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hang on a second.

Hey, baby. All right,

I'm probably gonna be
home in, like, two hours.

It's my boyfriend.

- That steak was amazing.
- Yeah, what do you season it with?

I'll never tell.

Oh, come on. You'll tell me.

No, seriously, I won't.

It's unbelievable.
This shit just keeps going and going.

Yeah, so stop running your mouth
and keep it going.

No, I'm serious.
We've only had, like, an eighth,

- and it's still...
- Actually, Turtle,

I might have come across another
secret stash while I was unpacking.

You're getting
sneakier and sneakier, Vin.

So what now, ladies?

Who's up for a little...

Skinny dip?

- I'm in.
- All right.

- Anyone else?
- Be nice, Turtle.

- I'm the only shot you got tonight.
- Pfft.

- Really? I got a shot?
- No, not really.

Hey, what up?
- Yo.

What's up is you missed
the cable guy. That's what's up.

- Oh, shit.
- Nice, Turtle.

How was the big date?
- It wasn't a date. She has a boyfriend.

A boyfriend?
Why did she take you out to dinner?

She wanted some career advice.
She doesn't have a manager.

- She wants you to be her manager?
- Yep.

Whoa.

I told you
you wouldn't fuck her.

All right, in the pool, ladies. Let's go.

Come on. Yeah, baby.

Are you gonna tell me
what's on that steak?

We'll see.

I'll print out the recipe.

She wants you to be
her manager, huh?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Oh!

Yeah, baby.