Entourage (2004–2011): Season 3, Episode 4 - Guys and Doll - full transcript

Enjoy this, motherfucker.

Who died?

No one yet. What?

Looks like I woke you up
this time, huh, Ari?

No, but you did wake
my wife and kids, dickhead.

Vinnie better be sitting in prison
with a DUl or something. Is he?

- No.
- Then what do you want, cunt muscle?

I'm sorry about
the family, all right?

- Speak.
- It's Monday morning,

we have the number one movie,
officially, and you promised us offers.

Oh, there will be offers.



Be in my office at 11:30
and you'll hear all about 'em.

- Nice.
- Oh, and E?

You have to get up a hell
of a lot earlier than this to wake me.

Yeah yeah yeah.

"Cunt muscle"?

- What's the rush?
- You don't want to be late for Ari.

- Not on a big day like today.
- Seriously, Vin,

they're gonna be offering
you everything under the sun.

You don't wanna miss it.
Get in the car.

- Shut the door.
- Start the car, Turtle.

Let's go.

Yo, cocksuckers, wait up.

- Fuck!
- Oh, I see.

Does this mean I'm really
not getting everything under the sun?



Out, Turtle.

When is this nightmare
gonna end?

It's not going to,
so you better get used to it.

Sorry I overslept, boss.

- So where to? The Jew agent?
- Whoa whoa, Dom...

you don't talk
like that out here.

What? They frown
upon the word "Jew"?

Seems you got a lot of problems
with how I carry myself, E.

Just trying to help you
avoid new problems is all, Dom.

What kind of new problems? I'm not
the same old Dommy. I'm a new Dom.

I've been rehabilitated
by the State of New York.

And they believe
in me, so should you.

Come on Vinnie,
you're making bank.

You can't get your boy
a whole shirt?

- You talking to me, jerk off?
- ARl: Take it easy, Dom.

I just don't want you to excite
my man here. He's into bad boys.

Aren't you, Lloyd?

Not.

Come on in, boys.

If the Oriental even looks at me,
I'm taking him down.

Hey, Dom,
you're out here with us.

- Right, Ari?
- You know what?

Today, and today only,
I'm gonna open up my doors

like Ellis fucking Island.
Come on in.

Bedraggled wretched crew,
watch me work my magic.

He must have
something good.

He must have
something great.

"Flight. "

"Dead Poet's Society"
in space.

Character-driven, great script,

Darren Aronofsky
is directing.

They're offering you
$8 million.

"The Sandman. "
You are a retard at a Red Cross tent

in the Sahara. It's "Being There"
meets "Lawrence of Arabia. "

David O. Russell's directing,
they're offering you

- $9 million.
- Take it, Vin.

We got a stack
of great ones just like those.

So what's the point, Ari?

The point is that
they all want our boy,

but what our boy wants,
we gotta work for.

What do I want?

Is this what goes on in here
when we're out in the hall?

The line starts behind me,
motherfuckers.

This ain't blow.
It's powdered cream.

- What the fuck is going on, Ari?
- Yeah, Ari, what's up?

We're going to the coke capital
of the world, that's what's up.

- "Medellin. "
- "Medellin"?

- "Medellin"?
- "Medellin"... boom!

You're gonna play Pablo fuckin' Escobar,
just like you wanted.

- I thought that script was dead.
- It was dead.

Then Phil Rubenstein
gave it CPR.

He saw "Aquaman,"
and he loved it.

Holy shit!
Who's Phil Rubenstein?

He's only the animation king,
made like $600 trillion.

Made like, "Madagascar"
and "Shrek. "

And now he wants to work
with real people, and he loves you.

- That's great!
- That's not all.

Paul Haggis is directing it.

First thing since
he crashed the Oscars.

- Paul Haggis?
- He loves you too. Only one problem...

we gotta get
Phil Rubenstein to say yes.

How do we get
Phil Rubenstein to say yes?

We go to Santa Barbara
and we charm his pants off. All right?

He's gonna throw a kickoff party
for his new cult wine,

- and he invited us.
- Us?

- I do know my wines.
- I have to clear it

with my parole officer if I'm
going across county lines, Vince.

- Can the boys come?
- They can come. He needs sleeves.

I'm just saying, tell this guy
he can show you the money

or tell him he
can suck your dick.

Dom, it's a little
more complicated than that.

Yeah, how so? I just heard the agent
tell Vince he has multimillions

in offers waiting. But you're
making him get on his knees and beg.

You don't think
I'm out of line here, Vince?

Not at all, Dom, I think you're
making some good points.

- Thanks, Vince.
Yo...

How good is this shirt
gonna look on me?

Not as good
as it already looks on me.

Too slow
to the draw, hombre.

You can change now.

He's making
some good points?

Call Ari and tell him
I'm not going to Santa Barbara.

Vince, this is the movie
we wanted to do, all right?

It's a chance for you to act,
get away from the blue screen

and the animatronic fish.
This is our "Scarface. "

Tell him to make an offer and then
we'll talk. 'Cause I ain't kissing

- no fucking ass, man.
- Are you serious?

No, I'm not serious.
You know I'd kill to do this movie.

But why do you have to argue with Dom?
You said you were gonna try

- to get along with him.
- I'm trying all right? But the guy is

talking about your career and he
doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, I'm just trying to get him on his
feet. Let him spin his wheels a little,

it's not a big deal.
It'll build his confidence.

Will you just
help me do that, please?

Okay.

Yo, we gotta leave now
if we wanna beat Santa Barbara traffic.

Don't worry about the traffic, Turtle.
I've arranged for us to skip it.

Really?

You know, sitting here
in this expensive suit,

flying in this
expensive helicopter,

going to an expensive
guy's house,

I finally feel like
I made something in my life.

Thanks, Vince.

I'd feel the same fucking way
if I was wearing that shirt.

Look at this fucking spread.

This guy can make you
a $10 million offer, no problem.

And once he hangs
with Vince for five minutes,

- that's what he's gonna do.
- Exactly.

Vince, being charming
is all about body language, bro.

Vince knows
how to charm, Drama.

Yeah, women, but man charm
is a totally different animal.

You gotta get in
close enough to entice,

but not so close
as to encroach.

What do you say we forget
kissing-the-ring bullshit

and I get close to this guy
while you're talking to him?

Apply a little pressure.

No, don't do that, Dom.
In fact it'd be really great

if you don't talk
to Rubenstein at all.

I didn't say I was gonna talk. I won't
say a word. I'll just stare like this.

Hey hey!
You boys are looking sharp.

Hey, thanks, Ari.

Actually I meant the other boys.

Which one's Rubensteinberg, Ari?

It's Rubenstein, and please,
don't try to pronounce it again.

Vinnie, let's go get us a gig.
You ready?

Hey Vince, remember...

Not too close.

Got any hard alcohol
in this place?

'Cause the pruno I made in the joint
tastes better than this shit.

Wow, this wine
is great, Phil.

- Congratulations.
- I'm glad you like it, Vince.

And I just screened "Aquaman"
and you were great.

- ARl: Ahh!
- Thanks.

I just saw "Madagascar" with my nephew
and that was really great.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

In fact, if you have
any open animals in the sequel

I'd love to be involved.

Great. What kind of an animal
could you see yourself playing?

Um, I don't know.
A cheetah maybe?

A cheetah.
That's great.

Great. You're both great.
Let's make a deal.

Ari, could you leave
Vince with me for a bit?

Uh, yeah.

Great. Come on, Vince.

I'll show you the vines
where I handpick my pinots.

I get toffee, mocha...

...and a hint
of terra firma.

Terra firma
is dirt, Drama.

Yeah, well wine
comes from dirt, E.

I gotta take a leak.
I'll be back.

It kind of smells like
lead pencils to me.

What does it smell
like to you, Ari?

Don't stick a glass
in my face, Turtle.

What's with the attitude?

Stop freaking out, Ari.
Vince will be fine.

They've been out there
for 20 minutes, man.

What are they talking about?

I'm sure Vince is just
charming his ass off.

It's just a matter of time
before he locks the deal.

As long as Dom don't fuck it up.

Huh?
- Look.

ARl: Fuck.
Jesus.

It's nice to see you still have
your childhood friends around you.

Kid never forgot where he came from,
never went Hollywood.

Except I think he tweezes
his eyebrowses now.

Hey, Dom,
let's go get a drink, buddy.

- I got a drink, E.
- Grab another one, they're free.

Come on, all right?

It's okay, Ari.
Talking to Dom, I get a real sense

who Vince is
and where he came from.

Yeah, I'm sure Phil hung out
with some pretty crazy guys

back in the neighborhood
where he's from, huh?

Of course. In fact, I had
a childhood friend in Great Neck

whose family was...

Jewish mafia.

Ah, the best kind.

How would you like
to hear a story

that will sum up
exactly who Vince is

- and exactly where he comes from, Phil?
- I'd love to.

About 10 years ago, me and Vince
were out at some dive bar in Queens...

- Oh.
... and he hooks up

with this hot piece of ass, as usual.
And he blows out.

Me, I stay, I get
zonked out of my mind,

I stumble out into
the middle of the street

and I see my fucking car's
been stolen.

I don't know what to do,
so I call the fuzz,

I fill out all the paperwork,
but it's 40 below

and I'm freezing
my balls off.

So I ask 'em, "Can I stay
in the back of the squad car?"

They say, "Yeah,
sure, no problem. "

I'm sitting there, Phil,
for 20 minutes

when it fucking hits me:

I didn't drive. My car wasn't stolen,
it was parked at my house.

Ha ha, that's a funny story.
Let me ask you something, Phil...

That's not the funny part.

Here's the funny part, Phil:

Fucking cops run a check
on my registration.

It comes back I got three bench warrants
out for my arrest.

Bam, that's it.
They got me.

No fuss, no muss. I'm already locked
in the back seat of their car.

Fucking idiot I am,

I turn myself in by accident.

- That's hysterical, Dom.
- And touching...

'cause I call Vince up 3:00
in the fucking morning

and the kid busts open
his piggy bank and bails my ass out.

And the best part?
The hot broad that he had with him

had a good-looking sister.
Right, Vince?

Still to this day, Phil,
the best lay I ever had.

That's the kind of guy
Vince is.

He's a brother to me,
and I love him.

- To friendship.
- ARl: There we go.

To friendship.

Now you've said
something there.

You mad I told that story?

No, I'm not mad. It was a good story.
Great story.

Yeah, except it was me
that bailed you out

and picked up
the two hot sisters.

What?
Drama, you're delusional.

What were you
drinking tonight?

Paging Mr. Escobar...

Mr. Pablo Escobar...

Don't fuck with me, Ari.

You're gonna get
an offer in the morning.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am sure.

- Amazing, thank you!
- Thank you, Vinnie, are you kidding me?

Rubenstein said he could tell
that you're a street kid

- and you get this world.
- Yeah, thanks to Dom's story.

- Stop it. Come on, man.
- Dom, you did a good job.

- Tell him, E.
- Nope.

Great job, Dom.
Come here!

Going to Colombia, baby!
Coming through in the clutch!

E, I'm getting used to him,

but could we at least
soundproof his room?

You got it, Turtle.

- So we got an offer?
- No, we got a problem.

Oh, don't tell me that, Ari.
Not today.

- You said you were sure.
- I was.

Just got off the phone
with Rubenstein's people.

Somebody robbed his house
at the party last night.

- What?
- Stole the original Shrek doll

right out of its apparently-impossible-
to-break-into case.

- Jesus.
- Cops are all over it.

I don't have to tell you, E, if this
comes up smelling bad for us,

you can kiss
Bogota goodbye.

Why would it
come up bad for us?

I'm thinking about
your new housemate, E.

Ari, there were
300 people there.

Well 299 of them
didn't serve time!

That's a big fucking accusation.

I'm not making it.
But when Rubenstein,

who is so distraught
over this he can't get out of bed,

remembers Dom's little
jailhouse stories... he will.

So what did they get?

The original Shrek doll.

You can rule out Turtle.
He'd only take a doll he could fuck.

- They got any leads?
- No, but Ari thinks he does.

- Morning, fellas.
- Morning, Dom.

Hey, Vin, any way you could
spot me a couple of bucks?

I found this new service.
The broads are hotter but pricier.

No problem.
On my dresser.

Be right back to season
out the blandness of Drama's cooking.

Heh.

- Come on, E. No way.
- I don't want to point the finger

but I'd like to be sure before
everyone else inevitably does.

Okay, fine, we'll talk to him,
but there's no way.

You want us to sweep
the house for that doll? Just in case?

- No.
- Yes.

Just in case.

Let me guess. I'm making
too much noise with the whores.

I can ask them
to bring it down.

You know,
they fake those screams.

They're just
for effects anyway.

The girls are fine, Dom.

So what's up, then?

I mean, you got me
real nervous here.

Somebody robbed Rubenstein's
house last night,

took something
very valuable.

And you think
it was me?

- I hate askin'.
- You are askin'.

Or is E askin'?

Dom, we both hate askin',
but the cops are gonna ask

and we'd feel better
if we spoke to you about it first.

Jesus Christ. My past
will always haunt me, huh?

I'm sorry, Dom.

Nah, you shouldn't be.

Truth is, I have stolen. Plenty.

And I hurt lots of people
in my lifetime.

But I didn't do this.

I mean, you guys know me
since I'm eight years old.

Have I ever done anything
to hurt either one of you?

- No.
- No.

And now that you've
been so good to me,

and allow me back
into your home

like no time has passed,

why would I do this now?

You believe me,
right, Vin?

I believe you, Dom.

E?

Yeah, Dom.
I believe you.

You're out
of your fucking mind.

I played poker with
this guy for 20 years.

He has a worse tell than
Malkovich in "Rounders. "

Did you see him?

I've played poker with him too.
I don't remember that.

It's disgusting, stop!

Vince, I'm telling you,
he did it.

I'm telling you
I don't think he did.

Should we hit a titty bar?

It's 10:00
in the morning, Dom.

I don't see shit.

Yeah, me neither.

Now put that stuff
back the way it was.

Was the red shirt
on top or was the white?

You gotta be kidding me.
I told you to remember

exactly what everything was like
before you touched it!

Well I forgot, okay?
So what do you suggest I do now?

- Just throw those out.
- What?

Those two shirts,
throw 'em out.

If he sees that everything
is out of order,

he's gonna think we were
snooping around in here.

But if it's just gone,
the fuck's he gonna say?

- Brilliant.
- Just do it, Turtle, and keep looking.

Where else?
We looked everywhere.

Yo, they're coming,
they're coming!

Don't be so panicky.

We didn't
do anything wrong.

Did you find anything?

No, but I may have
figured out a way

- to descramble the pay-per-view.
- For real?

- Yeah.
- Nice.

Fuck are you guys doing?

We were just
checking out the plumbing.

You find anything?

- No.
- All clear.

Yo, we gonna be able
to get Spice?

It represents
a turning point in my career, in my life!

Phil, I understand
you're upset.

I am upset for you, okay?

But you can't just
go randomly pointing a finger.

- I mean, this is America.
- My maid saw him upstairs, Ari.

Maybe he had to
use the bathroom.

Because there was a problem
with the 10 I have downstairs?

Phil, I feel
for your loss, I do.

But we can't go
throwing away

a huge movie that's
gonna be as special

as "Shrek" someday
based on a hunch.

A hunch is what got me to drop out of
law school against my family's wishes.

And I have a hunch now
that I know who did this.

But I don't even care
about catching him.

I just want my doll back!

Come on, we'll make a little
Pablo Escobar doll, Phil,

and we'll put it
in Shrek's place.

Phil? Phil? Phi...

- The doll or "Medellin"?
- The doll or "Medellin. "

I don't know what you want me to say
'cause we don't have the doll.

Then you don't
have "Medellin. "

What, do think I'm hiding
the fucking thing, Ari?

What I think is that
you guys have got blinders on.

No, I think you just
grew up in a place

where it's okay
to accuse anyone

who doesn't look like
they went to Harvard.

No, I grew up in a place
where if you're accused of something,

chances are you've done
something wrong.

Yeah, well Vince doesn't
think he did it,

so what the fuck do you
want me to tell you, Ari?

Tell me if you
think he did it.

Ah! So you do.

Look, it doesn't matter what I think.
We need proof.

Oh, is that all?
Well, why don't we go get some?

I only brought five shirts with me
and two of them are gone.

Can't help you, Dom.

40% of my wardrobe goes missing
and you guys don't know dick about it?

Nope.

- Vince?
- They don't wear your size, Dom.

Hey, what's going on?

What's going on is
we know Dom took the doll.

- Ari...
- Vinnie, I got proof.

Fuck you,
you don't got shit.

Listen, you return the doll
and everything will be forgiven, okay?

There's nothing to forgive
'cause I don't got it.

All right, what kind
of proof do you have?

Security tapes
from Rubenstein's house.

You think the guy's got
a billion dollars in the bank

and doesn't have
cameras everywhere?

The jig is up, baby.

- Dom?
- He's bluffing.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

'Cause I didn't steal it,
so I can't be on that tape.

- I'm gonna press play.
- Press it.

And if I'm on there
I'll suck your cock on Rodeo Drive.

But if I'm not, I'm gonna
crack open your fuckin' head.

Either way, I lose.

Yeah, either way you lose,
so fuckin' press the button.

All right, you ready?

Aw, Jesus, Ari!
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hey, any shots of us
at the bat mitzvah?

- ARl: All right, I'm bluffing.
- I'll fuckin' kill him!

ARl: Put Shrek back
in his cage!

I did this to
save your ass, okay?

- Ari, get the fuck out.
- Everyone knows this guy did it.

This is the worst thing
you've ever done. Get out.

I'm gonna call you later.
I'm leaving on my own.

- Hey, Vince...
- You know what? Fuck you too, Eric.

- And fuck you guys.
What did we do?

Dom's our boy
since we were kids.

Have we gone so Hollywood
we forget how to treat family?

You know,
fuck this movie, E.

In fact, fuck Hollywood.

I would rather
be working at the Dairy Barn

than to listen
to people accuse my boy.

You know why? 'Cause I know
Dom would never intentionally

do anything
to fuck me over.

- You know, don't you?
- I do now.

- Know what?
- How?

You scratched your neck when
you told Ari he was bluffing.

- Really?
- See, that was his tell in cards,

not that stupid shit
you keep doing.

I feel like shit about this.

Where the fuck is it, Dom?

I knew we needed
a strip-search.

No, you knew
you wanted a strip-search.

You know you could have
cost Vince this movie?

- I didn't mean to.
Why did you do it?

I don't know, Vin. I seen "Shrek"
like 400 times in the joint,

you know, 'cause you
can't watch adult content.

And when I saw it,
I just grabbed it.

I was gonna put it back,
I swear to my mother,

but this one maid, she kept looking
at me the whole night like she knew.

Thought about
taking her out to protect you.

But then I thought it
was just best to deny.

No excuses,
but I am sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too, Dom.

I'm gonna go see
if I can catch Ari.

I'd wash that.

That little monster spent the night
inside the most unsavory woman.

Jesus.
Here, put that in the sink.

And I wouldn't call Ari.
I wouldn't even return it.

No body, no crime.

Look, he said all we gotta do
is return the doll and we're all good.

It's the oldest trick
in the book, E.

You'll return it,
they'll still slap the cuffs on me

and take away
the movie.

- He's right.
- Yeah, you're right.

That's the best career advice
you've ever given, Dom.

I got an idea.

Come on, guys, admit it.
You miss him a little.

A very little.

He's only at the Oakwoods.

A Hummer and an apartment.
That's not a bad severance package.

No, not bad at all.
This is it.

Rock, paper, scissors.

No, I'll do it.
I got the better arm.

Please.

- Afternoon, Lloyd.
- Hey.

He's just finishing up
a call, but go on in.

You two, out.
It was a one-time thing.

What's the word, Ari?
Got anything new to report?

Yeah, I just got
a call from Rubenstein.

Apparently they found
his doll somehow.

Oh!

- So we're all good then, right?
- No, we're not.

Just got off the phone
with Warner Brothers.

They're so excited about
the "Aquaman" opening

that they've green-lit
"Aquaman 2."

- Well that's good, no?
- Naw.

Start date is September 8th,
same day as "Medellin. "