Entourage (2004–2011): Season 3, Episode 5 - Crash and Burn - full transcript

Facing a scheduling conflict, Vince, Eric and Ari must figure out how to keep the 'Aquaman' sequel afloat without upsetting the Oscar(R)-winning director of 'Medellin.' When Saigon's song finally blows up, Turtle requests a sit-down with Ari.

- Hey, Ari.
- Where are you?

It sounds like you're getting
fucked with a jackhammer.

- $10 in the curse jar, Daddy.
- Sorry, baby.

- I'm test-driving a new car.
- Matchbox or Hot Wheels?

Funny. Vince feels bad about
giving away my Maserati.

Wow! When my father
gave away my car

I was forced to lose my virginity
on the back of a moped.

- What do you want?
- The road to Bogota starts here, E.

You want "Medellin," you got to
get Warner Brothers

to dry-dock "Aquaman 2"
for 90 days.

Just talk to Haggis' people.
That's what they need.



We'll tell Alan that
when we see him.

He's the head
of the studio, E.

We don't tell him shit.
We ask nicely.

Ari, Vince really wants
to do "Medellin. "

He already started
learning Spanish.

I know. He left
15 messages on the machine.

The wife thinks
I'm fucking the gardener.

What the fuck?!

11:00, E.
Don't be late.

A little early, isn't it, Gold?

That your car, Max?

Yeah.

It's blocking my driveway.

Oh, sorry. My driver must've
forgotten to move it.



If I give you the keys,
pull it around for me?

Who's in charge of you?
I'd like to speak to an adult.

My folks are skiing Gstaad.

You want to complain about me,
you can try my agent or my housekeeper.

Inez's English is for shit,
but she's home.

Make sure that I don't see you
anywhere near my daughter.

You like it?

Yeah, I like it,
but I don't need it.

But you'll take it?

Yeah, I'll take it.

Good to see you finally embracing
your inner mooch, E.

What about you, Johnny?
You pick?

Really, Vince?
Oh, I don't know.

Come on, we took
down Spidey!

What kind of Aquaman would I be
if I didn't take care of my super friends?

Oh, who loves you, bro?
I'll take blue.

So, this beast is for me?

Actually, Turtle, I have
another surprise in store for you.

Really?

Big Boy is gonna play
one of Saigon's tracks on the air.

Are you serious? I've been
trying to get him airplay for a year.

He's gonna give your number
to anyone who calls in.

Get out of here!
That's awesome, Vince. Thank you.

- Am I getting a car?
- Oh, Jesus.

- I thought that was better than a car.
- Greedy bastard.

- Nice, Turtle.
- You're right, it is better. I'm sorry.

I mean, I figure
Saigon blows up,

you might actually be able
to buy your own things.

You're right. I want
to be able to stand on my own.

Thank you, Vince.

I'm just fucking with you.

- Of course you're gonna get one.
- Tool.

- Idiot.
- Tool idiot with an Aston Martin.

So we're gonna take
all these to the studio?

Unless you think we're gonna look
like schmucks driving the same car.

We'd be schmucks in Jettas.
In Aston Martins we look good.

- And independently wealthy.
- Good point.

Last one on the lot
pays tax and title.

- Fuck that.
Oh, Turtle.

- Put on Big Boy.
- Now?

Yeah, right now.

Yeah, baby.

Vince, it don't stop ringing.

Hello? Yeah, I represent him.

Can I call you back in an hour
when I get to my office?

Vince, this is getting nuts.
You think Ari would talk to me?

- Why would Ari talk to you?
- 'Cause I'm in play.

Hello? Yeah, he's my guy.

What, I'm not Persian enough
to get one of those, Vince?

Get us 90 days
and then we'll talk.

Vince, last time
you were here

I told you I wanted you
in the Warner's family, right?

Well now, I'm gonna show
you how we treat family.

Dana.

I'm like the studio's
Vanna White.

That's some allowance.

Yeah, about $1 million
more than your old one.

Wow. Thank you.

No, Vince, thank you.

Now we feel this is
the start of a very

very successful relationship.

Yeah, uh, listen...

Vince is so excited that
we're doing "Aquaman 2."

- That's good to hear.
- But before we get into...

Before we jump
into the tank,

Vinnie's got
a little passion project

that he was really hoping
to sink his teeth into.

Well, passion's important, right?
What is it, Vince?

It's Paul Haggis's "Medellin. "
Pablo Escobar's story.

"Medellin"!
Hell of a script.

Wow, Vince,
that's a great role for you.

- What do you need from me?
- We, uh...

- we have a slight scheduling conflict.
- Very slight.

Mm-hmm, and you'd like me
to push back our start date.

That's all we're asking.

Well, for how long?
I've got a water tank

the size of the Staples Center
out on stage five.

Who's gonna pay
my utility bill?

Well, I have a $1 million check.
How big of a bill is it?

ARl: 90 days, that's it.

It'll really give people a chance
to see a different side of me.

You realize how important this franchise
is to the studio though, right?

I do. And it's important
to me too.

I could give you 65 days.

Will that help?

Enormously.

So what are we supposed
to do with 65 days?

What are you talking about?
Paul Haggis comes from TV.

He could shoot 40 pages in a day.
He can do this.

I hope so.
What's wrong, Johnny?

This guy's been
on the phone the whole time.

Vince, I need help.

I got to get back to the office.
Anything else I can do for you?

- Just set the Haggis meeting.
- Already done. What else?

- Pray.
- Done. What else?

Ahem!

Uh, I want you to talk to Turtle.
He needs some help with Saigon.

- What, is he moving there?
- He's my rapper, Ari, and he's blowing up.

- Okay, you got five minutes.
- No, I need a sit-down.

- He needs a sit-down.
- Okay, you know what?

I'm going to be at Equinox.
I'll be at the juice bar.

Triple berry dreamsicles
on me, okay?

I was thinking someplace
more like Spago.

You know, where people
would see me with you.

- 1:00, no sweatsuit.
- Fair enough.

Are you 100%
el certainto it was Max?

Yes, Miss Sarah, she was
on phone with that Max

talking about a boat trip.

Damn.
Did she catch you?

No no, but when I asked
about her plans for today

she said nothing.

She never lied
to me before, Mr. Ari.

But she lied!
She lied!

I know, it's that Max. He's trying
to steal our little girl's soul.

It's all right.
Listen, you keep an ear out.

You got a big gift
for Navidad coming, okay?

Was that Mr. Gold
on the phone?

No, that was El Salvador.

Okay, Johnny, you gonna
tell me what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I guess
I'm the only guy in this house

that doesn't measure up
to the Gold standard.

You want to talk to Ari?
Is that it?

I've been waiting to talk
to Ari for five years.

I'm an actor with no agent.

You know what they say,
an actor with no agent is...

- Is what?
- Is fucked.

All right, I'll call Ari,

but I can't make
him represent you.

Putting me in a room with him
for a real discussion is all I can ask.

He wants us to share a meeting?
That's ridiculous.

Especially since
I had the meeting first.

Ari's a busy guy.

That's fine. I'll take
what I can get. Thank you, bro.

So you're just gonna
hijack my meeting, Drama?

Hey, fuck off, Turtle.
If it wasn't for me,

none of you guys would
even be out here.

If it wasn't for Vince,
none of us would have stayed.

- Yeah, well...
- Well what?

- Shotgun.
- Shotgun?

- On the meeting, I talk first.
- Vince!

The guy called shotgun.

All right, it's time.
Let's go bag us some Haggis.

Let's do it.

Yeah, I got to roll
to my meeting too.

Our meeting,
and I go first.

- Not if I beat you there.
- I called shotgun!

Hey!

- Math club, huh, baby?
Yeah, should be fun.

Never heard of a math club
going on a boat before.

Oh, it's just a bunch
of really smart kids, that's all.

Not smart enough.

- How do you know it's Max?
- A father always knows

when his daughter's lying,
baby, and it's heartbreaking.

I'm not your baby. I'm 14 years old
and you're spying on me.

You can't keep us apart forever.
I love him!

Lis... Sar...

Too slow, jerk-off.
Oh no!

Hey!

- First.
- That's bullshit. I called shotgun.

You can't then go
and call first and negate that.

Your shotgun was called
off location so it means shit.

- We're on location now.
- So?

So, shotgun.

- Hey, E.
- Yeah?

Ari says Haggis
is a little intense.

- I don't want to freak him out.
- So what do you want to do?

- Just keep him calm.
- How?

Whatever he says,
just tell him we'll work it out.

What does that mean?

Means we'll work it out.

- We always do, right?
- Exactly.

Let's go get him.

He's performed live 100 times.

Just 'cause you haven't heard
of him till now doesn't mean shit.

You know what?
Call me then, I've got to go.

Huh. Sorry about that, Ari.

You know how it is.
It's nonstop.

Turn your fucking ringer off,
Turtle, my time is precious.

- It's ringing again, Ari.
- I'm sorry.

Enough with the sorrys.
The clock is ticking, let's go.

Okay, here we go.
I got a two-phase plan.

First, there's 500 CDs pressed
and sitting in the trunk of my car.

So what, you want me to sell them
with you on the promenade?

You crack me up, Ari.

The second phase of the plan
is what I need you for.

I mean, A&R guys have been
calling me all day.

I need you to back me
with the suits.

- He's gonna get a deal, Ari, guaranteed.
- I'm gonna get a piece of that?

No, you're gonna get a piece
of his acting career.

- Does he act?
- All rappers act.

Vince said you were gonna
come here and listen to me...

"Vince said he'd throw me
a piece of pussy because he's famous. "

Whatever you want, Turtle.
Okay, I will rep you.

All right, next.
Impress me, Drama.

Okay.

Every small boy has a dream, Ari.

For some, that dream
is to soar to the heavens

as an astronaut.
For others,

- it's to step out onto a Broadway...
- All right, I'll rep you.

Really? You'll put me
on your client list?

If we don't have to stay
for coffee, yeah.

How the fuck am I supposed
to turn a 90-day shoot into 65 days?

We'll work it out.

Vince, in order to shoot
this movie in Colombia

I had to negotiate
with the government, the drug lords,

the FARC rebels and the fucking right-wing
militia death squads,

and you want me to undo all that?
You out of your mind?

- We'll work it out.
- Why's he keep saying that?

Because he believes we can.

All right, look, Paul.
We just want you to think

about how we can do this,
because we all really want to do it.

Well, it's real easy. All you have to do
is cut 30% of your key scenes.

- I don't want to do that.
- Come on, we all have to compromise.

Okay, how about...
oh, how about this one here?

This is the one where you're being
hunted and you go to your mom

- and you tell her you love her...
- And she spits in my face.

- I love that scene.
- Yeah, it's a good one. It's gone.

- Let's see. What else?
- Paul, I don't want to tell you

about your business, but can't you
just shoot the movie quicker?

I mean, how long did it
take you to shoot "Crash"?

Vince, I loved
what I saw of "Aquaman. "

- Thank you.
- This is not "Aquaman. "

In this movie I want you to play
what I like to call a human being.

See, together I want to humanize one
of the greatest monsters of all time.

What I want is even
after the audience

sees you ruthlessly slaughter
like 1,000 people,

I still want them to care.

I want them to care so much
that when you die they fucking weep.

They won't want to.
They'll hate themselves for it.

But they will fucking weep.

I have to do this movie.

- Paul, he's got a contract.
- A contract? Ah!

If I let contracts rule my life,
I'd still be doing "The Facts of Life"

rather than hanging
with my boys.

- Thanks, Esteban.
- Okay.

- Hey, Ariel Gold.
- Hey, Penny.

Only my mom calls me that
and still I better have a fever of 103.

- How are you?
- Okay.

- I was just up seeing one of your guys.
- Oh yeah? Who?

We're looking at Jimmy Whitaker

for the Encyclopedia Brown trilogy.

Jimmy Whitaker, the pride and joy
of my young burgeoning teen division.

Yeah, I'll tell you what,
let's make a deal.

You do the whole "schlemiel, schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated"

- he's all yours, all right?
- Don't be a schmuck, Ari, okay?

- What?
- It's a great project.

It's gonna be a heck
of a franchise.

The first one takes
place in the Kremlin.

Really? Good luck
faking Moscow in Vancouver.

No no no.
The hell with Vancouver.

We're doing it right.
24 weeks in Kazakhstan.

- Kazakhstan?
- Mm-hmm.

Jimmy Whitaker
is a spoiled prick.

You want to hire Max Ballard.
He's Dakota Fanning with a dick.

I heard Ballard was difficult.

He's my next-door neighbor.
He is humble as pie.

I have been trying
to sign that kid for years.

Wow, Ari.
He's not even one of your guys.

I am a team player.
Boom! You owe me. Come here.

- Max Ballard.
- Ballard.

- Quit smoking.
- All right.

Uh-oh.
What happened, E?

Haggis trying to cast you
as a pygmy drug mule?

- Vince wants off "Aquaman. "
- What is this, deja vu all over again?

- What did Haggis say?
- He said he needs all 90 days.

Noah can build an ark and save
all of God's creatures in 40 days.

He can't shoot a movie in 65?

- Is there anything you can do?
- I can't control Haggis.

Well what if we call Cameron?
I can't even believe he's ready

to do "A2" so soon.

He's not signed on to do "A2."

- What?
- He just signed on to do the first one.

Then why is Vince
signed on for three?

That's the way it works
with actors.

Cameron was the only
reason I did the movie

in the first place.
Who's directing?

- Michael Bay.
- Jesus Christ!

- They're just rushing this thing out.
- Listen, Vinnie.

This is what studios do.
The thing is a monster hit.

They're just trying to take
advantage of it, that's all.

- I haven't even seen a script.
- They're working on it.

- Andrew Kevin Walker writing?
- Kevin Smith.

- Oh boy.
- Fuck you, Ari. I want off this movie.

We'll go to Warner's,
we'll ask them for more days.

There are no more days. What are
you talking about? You were there.

Alan was nice enough to give us 65.
He didn't even have to do that.

- I'm not doing this movie.
- Vince, you signed a contract.

And I know that you
are a man of your word.

Oh yeah, and are you?
Are you a man of your word, Ari?

- I never lied to you.
- You told me if I did "Aquaman,"

- that I could get "Medellin. "
- You got "Medellin. " I can't help

the timing. Listen, I would if I could.
Remember, I don't get paid shit on this.

It all goes
to my former employer.

Look, Vinnie, I know that
you would kill that role.

I know the timing sucks.
But be a man.

I'll call Haggis,
tell him I'm off the movie.

I'm sorry, Vinnie.

- Just running this shit all day, huh?
All day.

This keeps up, you'll have to get
your own channel on Sirius.

Yeah, I got to say, Turtle,

took you longer than you promised, man,
but you came through.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Hey, yo, Keshawn,
let me get the box, man.

- Yo, you got me a gift?
- Just a little something.

Sai, don't go spending all
your money just yet, man.

- Try it on.
- Yo, I can't accept this.

No, don't worry. They're CZs
but I plan on replacing them

as soon as I can afford it.

That's tight, man.
Thank you.

- Oh, hey, Paul.
- Hey. I couldn't sleep.

I just keep trying to picture this movie
without Vince and I can't do it.

Well, what can we do?

Brainstorm.

I got nothing.
Nothing.

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

Nothing.

You ever consider cutting out
all the flashbacks, Paul?

- No.
Now this may be retarded,

or maybe I'm just baked,

but you said you wanted Vince
to gain 50 Ibs. For the part, right?

70. It's more authentic.

Right, but you still need him
skinny for the early years.

- Yeah.
- So you shoot the first half now

before "Aquaman 2"
while he's skinny.

Shoot the second half after he wraps
when Vince piles on the pasta.

Like De Niro in "Raging Bull. "
- Like Clooney in "Syriana. "

Or Johnny Chase
in "The Commish"

when I played
that bulimic pedophile.

- Did you see that one, Paul?
- No.

But you know what?

- This could work.
- You think?

- This could fucking work, man.
- Definitely.

Fuckin' A!

Good work, E.

Yeah well, somebody's got to
make shit happen when you can't.

Save one pat on your back
for me. Huh, buddy?

Yeah yeah yeah.
Look, you've got to call Alan.

Tell him Vince wants to take him
out to dinner to say thanks.

Wow, our boy is really
becoming a man now, huh?

I'll talk to you later, Ari.

Call Alan at Warner.
Set up a dinner for four, please.

- Today is going to be a big day.
- For you maybe.

Some guy at Atlantic Records
keeps calling me every 10 minutes.

- What does he want?
- I have no idea.

He just keeps saying
something about Saigon.

Saigon?
That's interesting.

- Get him on the phone right now.
- Right now? Okay.

Oh, in the hole!
Just like Tiger at Sawgrass.

Yeah, more like my six-year-old niece
at Nunley's.

Are you kidding?
Atlantic Records called you?

- ARl: Sony and Interscope too.
- Holy shit!

Anyway, tell Vince and E
8:00 at The Palms with Alan.

8:00 at The Palm with Alan.
What else, Ari?

Just make sure
they're on time, Turtle. I got to go.

- Wait, Ari.
- Yeah, Turtle?

- Are you fucking with me?
- A little bit.

- This is sick, right?
- It is sick.

As soon as we settle this stuff with
Vince I'm gonna set up some meetings.

- Your boy's gonna get a deal.
- Holy shit.

I think your life's
about to change, Turtle.

What happened?

Saigon is gonna get a deal!

Ari just said my life
was gonna change.

- Awesome.
- Come on. Congratulations, buddy.

- Thank you, E.
- Good work.

Vince, thank you so much.
That Big Boy thing put me over the top.

Hey, I'm happy for you, bro.
I'm happy for you.

Come to Daddy, sweetie.

She still mad at me?

- No, she's mad at Max now.
- What did he do?

Took a movie
in Kazakhstan.

I'm so glad our daughter's
tears make you so happy.

Baby, those tears
mean our little girl's

gonna stay our little girl
for at least another day.

Ari...

Now how about a quick blowjob
before my Vince dinner?

What?

Order whatever you want,
Drama, it's on me.

I don't need you to pay
for shit of mine, Turtle.

With Ari on my side my life's
about to change also.

You know, we had "Medellin"
first over at my studio.

- Really?
- Sure, yeah.

- Let it go.
- Why?

Couldn't budget under 130 days.

I was shocked when you said
Haggis was doing it in 90.

Shocked. Didn't think
it was possible.

So you must have thought it was really
impossible to do it in 65 days, huh?

Mm-hmm.

So essentially you sent
us on a fool's errand?

- Well, a little bit.
We delivered.

Oh, yes we did.
And we owe you. Thank you.

Can't let you do it.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

You said if I was back
on November 1 st...

Vince, I've got
a billion-dollar franchise to protect.

Happy Meals, action figures.

I can't risk all that
having my Aquaman

doing three hours of blow
in every multiplex in the country.

But, Alan, you looked me in the eyes
and you said that you'd do this for me.

- You gave me your word.
- I'm sorry.

Alan, a man is only
as good as his word.

Vince, it's just business.
Not personal.

Oh. Just business.

All right, then I want
20 million to do "A2"

or I quit.
Nothing personal.

Sorry, I'm late.
Date night with the wife.

She thinks I'm getting popcorn.
What did I miss?