Entourage (2004–2011): Season 3, Episode 2 - One Day in the Valley - full transcript

Why, Ari, why?

- I'm in bed, E. Talk dirty to me.
- It's 5:00 in the morning.

- What are you wearing?
- Fuck you.

I love it when you say "fuck. "
Say it again.

Come on, E.
It's game day, buddy.

Wake up.
This is our tradition.

Only this time
we're playing for keeps.

No Pixar squirrel
is going to stop us.

It's number one
or bust, kid.

- You sound confident.
- Not a worry in the world.

So what are we
hoping for?



$95 mil is what
they're projecting.

- And what's good?
- $95 mil, Eric. That would be good.

Expectations: You beat 'em
by a dollar... life is great,

under by a dollar...
put a gun in your mouth

and make sure
I'm standing behind you.

Okay, keep in touch, Ari.

Game day, baby.
No go, no go.

You'll talk dirty to E...

Come on.

- It's been three weeks.
- I know, I know.

Just after we open, baby.
Then we're all good.

And if we don't open?

"If we don't open?"
What... no no no.

"If we don't open?"
What do you mean by that?



Would you say that to a fighter
on the morning of a bout?

"Maybe you'll get
knocked out.

"See you after the fight
if you're not in a coma"?

Don't jinx this, baby.
Not today.

Three soft-boiled eggs,

boiled chicken,
wheat toast with jam.

It's not a signature
Johnny Drama breakfast

but there's nothing there
to upset your stomach.

Thanks, Johnny,
but I'm not stressed.

You're hiding it, bro.

This is a big one.
You may not know you're stressed

but trust me,
you are stressed.

Moviefone says there's
a 2:30 in Northridge.

The Valley?
What are you, crazy?

It's gonna reach
100° in the city today.

Vince wants to go to
an out-of-the-way place.

Vince, you know my policy...
except for work,

I only go to the Valley
November through March.

And even then...
only the sushi row.

Come on, Johnny,
go for me.

I'd better hydrate.

So what do you think
we're gonna open at, Vin?

- Oh, God.
- Come on. I don't play this game.

Come on, let's just fuck around
a little. Pick a number.

- Stop freaking him out, Turtle.
- I'm not freaking out.

I know we're gonna open.
It's a foregone conclusion.

- I'm not worried about it.
- So pick a number.

Okay.

$50 million. Huh?

- Would that be good?
- That would be terrible, Vince.

- Really?
- This movie opens at $50 million,

we're all working
at Del Taco come Monday.

- So what do we need?
- The studio's projecting 95.

95? Nice.

Fuck 95. I got a little
projection of my own.

$114,844, 117.

- How is that?
- $1 more than "Spiderman" made.

We do any less than that I'll personally
consider the movie a flop.

You're an idiot, Turtle. "Spiderman"
is the biggest movie opening ever.

Plus Spiderman had a much bigger
fan base than Aquaman to begin with.

Can't happen.

We got James Cameron.
And those eyes. It can happen.

You think we got a shot
to topple Spidey, E?

Let's just topple 95,
huh, guys?

I'll tell you what:
If we do beat "Spiderman"

y'all are getting something sick.
Know that.

- How sick?
- What do you mean by "sick"?

It's not even 10:00 a. m.
And it's burning up out there.

I know. My widget says
it's 96 already.

What the fuck's a widget?
Why are you sitting like that?

Seriously, what, are you
wearing a butt plug?

No. I brought you
this for luck

on the opening today.

What is this, a little
Tae Bo instructor?

That is an authentic

12th century Yong Shi
warrior, Ari.

He's the Mongolian
symbol of strength.

If you carry him,
you cannot be stopped.

This is Hollywood, Lloyd.
The only thing Mongolian is barbeque,

- but thanks. I'll take what I can get.
- Oh, and...

I got you in
with Dr. Marcus at 4:30.

Dr. Marcus?

Um, yeah.
Your wife called

and said she needed
an emergency session.

Fuck, Lloyd, why didn't you
just tell her that I didn't have time?

- Because you do have time.
- Why didn't you lie?

'Cause I'm scared
of your wife, Ari.

Yeah, me too.
Maybe if I rub this little guy's balls

she'll disappear.

We're going to
the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara.

Hey, don't kid yourself, E.
North of Ventura Boulevard

is Hell's waiting room.
Be prepared.

If you keep drinking
we're gonna have to stop

every 20' for you
to take a leak.

That's what the empties are for.

Don't even think about pulling
your dick out in my car, Drama.

- Hey, Ari.
- "Aquaman" is making waves, pal.

The first East Coast
numbers are in.

They're projecting
$100 mil.

Oh, that is great news.

The movie gods
are smiling on us today.

Well, it's still early.
We could do better, right?

I thought I was greedy.
Listen, the over-and-under is 95.

We hit 100...
I got wood.

I'm just saying. I mean,
"Spiderman" did what, 114?

- Is there any way we can beat that?
- "Spiderman"?

Who... who's said
anything about "Spiderman"?

Eric...

tell me that Vinnie
doesn't think

that we're gonna beat
the biggest opening in movie history.

I'll tell you what:

Manage your client's
expectations.

Do your job. Thank you
for ruining my day.

Ari?

We all good?

I thought you're not worried
about that stuff.

I'm not.

In fact, I don't wanna
know anything till it's official.

- Can't we know?
- Let's roll.

103...

My God.
104!

Unbelievable.
Shit.

- 105.
Eat that, Drama.

- This is inhuman.
- I guess it's true what they say...

the heat really does
affect the elderly.

Yeah, seriously, Drama,
'cause I haven't seen

somebody sweat like that
since Patrick Ewing retired.

Great Mother of God.

Fuck.

Dude, we got
a monster, Vince.

It's one theater.
Don't get crazy.

How are we
gonna get seats?

Who are you talking to?

There's four taped off
for us in the back

as we speak.
And all it cost us...

was a signed copy
of the new Aquaman game.

Nice job, Turtle.

I'm making a run
for cooler pastures.

Oh!

What do you think?

Oh, they're loving it.

Wait till they get a load of the end
of this scene.

Jesus Christ, where's
this jerkoff going?

Hey, pal... you wanna sit down?
You're about to miss

the best part
of the whole movie.

I have to use
the bathroom.

Sit down.

I dropped my monkey!

No, come back!

Here it comes!

- What the fuck?
- Shit, projector must have gone out.

It's not just
the projector.

We lost the central air.

Waiting for
this movie two hours!

Ahem, sorry, folks.
It's a blackout.

Um, please calmly
file into the lobby

and we'll refund
your money.

Whoa whoa.
Refund their money?

They already saw
half the movie. Fuck that.

Shut the fuck up!
- Give them free popcorn or something.

Holy crap! Aquaman!

Dude, what are you
doing here?

Just checking out
the movie like you guys.

Oh, but who's guarding
the throne of Poseidonis?

It's about to be a madhouse in here.

- I'm gonna go get the car, all right?
- Fire up the AC.

The movie is great, Vince.
We caught the 10:00 a. m. Showing too.

That harpoon fight
was badass.

Did you hear that, E?
They thought I was badass.

- I heard.
- Hey, so Vince, let me ask you...

was that seahorse you rode
animatronic or computer generated?

- E?
- Animatronic.

- Animatronic.
- Yes! You owe me $20.

That is him!

- Oh my God!
Can I have your autograph, Vince?

Whoo!
We made it.

Now let's get back
to civilization. Please.

I begged you to take the 101,

but you had to take
the Canyon.

- It's more scenic.
- Just get me home, please.

All the lights are out, Drama.
What would you like me to do?

You know, it looks
like the whole area is blacked out.

I'm gonna call Ari.

Hey, I was just dialing you.

Hey. That must mean
that we're destined to be in love.

Yeah. You're having a blackout
over there too?

I haven't had a blackout
since I took four Quaaludes

and forgot I fucked
Chantal Lautenberg. Why?

'Cause we're in Northridge.
The whole area is blacked out.

- Is this gonna affect the numbers?
- I didn't even know

that Northridge survived
the '94 quake, E.

Don't worry about that.
Listen, you with Vinnie?

- Yeah.
- Okay, be very cool.

Do not get him excited, but the first
West Coast numbers are in,

- and they're big.
- Go on.

- Eight-legs big, bitch.
- Get the fuck out of here.

The webcrawler is
in our sights, Eric,

and I want to squash
that fucker!

So do I, Ari.
All right, thanks.

What?

Nothing.

Fuck you, "nothing. "
What is it?

- Nothing until it's official, right?
- Fuck official.

I don't want you to know
anything I don't.

- Is it "Spiderman"?
- Spidey, E?

- Say something, dick.
- E, speak now

or I'm throwing you
out of the car.

"Spiderman" is
in our sights.

Yes! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Yes!
- I knew it! Fuck you, Tobey!

- It's not definite though, Vince.
- Yeah, no, I know.

That's cool. Let's go buy some toys
anyway to celebrate.

Yes.
- I know a place.

But not in the Valley, right?
They got toys in the city, Vince.

How do you know
this area, Turtle?

Best rub-and-tug in California
used to be next door.

Yeah, they probably moved
to Santa Monica where it's cool.

There she is.

Ducatis. Sweet.

This is the one
for me, Vince,

the fastest production bike
on the road.

It's yours. E?

I appreciate it, Vince,
but I'm not a motorcycle guy,

and I'm not gonna take
a gift just to take one.

You neither, Johnny?

You know I hate
rice rockets, Vince.

Ducati's Italian,
Drama.

Yeah, well, regardless

it's still a foreign job.
I'm a Harley man.

Yeah, didn't you have one
when you first came out here?

Yeah, I had to hock it
to Michael Madsen

after a couple of bleak pilot seasons.
God, I loved that bike.

Why don't we go
over there tomorrow

- and make him an offer he can't refuse?
- You serious?

God, you're
a fucking prince, bro.

You know, he's also
got a watch of mine.

Mr. Chase, have you
decided yet?

Yes, we have.

We'll take
four of these.

Maybe you guys
will grow to love 'em.

Not again.

So when is the last time
you had sex?

- With each other or?
- If you're not taking this seriously...

I'm taking it seriously.
It's just for the money

we're spending here
I could get you a pro

to service your even most
bizarre fetishes.

Okay, you see?
This is what I'm dealing with.

Come on.

Don't.

- It's Vince.
Ari...

...don't you feel

that a lacking
sexual relationship

is a big problem
in a marriage?

Oh, I do, Doc,
but we fuck

more than any other
married couple you know.

And I know this
because whenever we go out

with another married couple
and the subject comes up

they always say, "I can't believe
how often you guys fuck. "

- It's Vince, baby.
- I don't give a fuck.

Okay... you know, uh,

after the year
that I've had

and on the most important
day of my life you'd think

that she would ask me
what I wanted, you know?

A nice blowjob, perhaps,

where I could just sit back
for the first time in nine months

and do nothing but
admire the top of her head

and pray that this
fucking movie opens

so I can stop selling off assets

Like we're fucking
Michael Jackson.

Now I have to answer
the fucking Batphone

when it rings three fucking times
and it's fucking Vince, okay? So...

- Eric, speak.
Ari...

There's been another blackout
in a different part of the Valley.

You need a fucking night-light or
something? Get back over the hill, okay?

And don't call me
back unless...

Fuck me.

- What's going on, Ari?
- I'm gonna call you back.

Can we prorate
this session, please?

- He's gonna call us back.
- Anything to worry about?

- Hey, Aquaman.
Oh, great.

We're being stalked
by Devo.

- This isn't a coincidence, is it?
- No, we followed you.

- Replenish.
- We, uh, wanted to know

if you guys wanted
to come to a party.

It's our big
graduation bash.

High school party?
Sorry, kid,

we don't go to the parties where
the girls ain't legal.

Although we do like 'em
barely legal.

Come on, Vince, come with us.
It'll be like "Almost Famous. "

- Hey, I like that movie.
- Vince, I'm burning up out here.

Another hour and my kidneys
may shut down.

They've got a pool.

- Really?
- Yeah, it'll be great.

And it'll be a lot easier to get in
with you there, Vince.

So that's it? You guys need Vince
to get you into the party.

What are you
laughing at, Turtle?

You still can't get into
Teddy's without Vince.

Do you wanna go?

Fuck it. It's gonna take hours
to get home anyway, right?

So you'll come?

- Yeah, we'll come.
- All right!

Aquaman to the rescue!

- Hey, girl.
- Hey!

Did kids look this young
when we went to high school?

- In Drama's eighth year they did, yes.
- Six years, assholes.

And just like I did for these maggots
I'm gonna do for you guys.

Someone gives you guys a hard time
about being here...

Johnny Drama's
got your back.

Thanks. There are some really
tough kids at this school.

Come on,
I'm from New York.

Who the fuck let
nerds in my house?

Here we go.
Jesus...

Drama's gonna get
his ass kicked by a 16-year-old.

- Hey, Kessler.
- Who let you losers in?

- These guys are with us.
- Yeah? Who the fuck are you?

Uh, he's my brother.
Sorry, we were just passing by,

we saw the party,
we figured we'd drop in.

Whoa whoa, holy shit.
You're Vince Chase.

You're with these two?

Jay and Reggie?
Yeah, they're my cousins.

But hey, it's cool.
We'll find another party.

Oh, no no no no.
No, you stay.

Reggie and Jay, stay.
This old guy, he can stay too.

Uh, you need a beer, Vince?

That'd be good.

Thanks.

Holy shit, Vince Chase.

Hey everyone,

fuckin' Aquaman
is at my house!

Give me
something good, Ari.

There's nothing good at all, E.
Nothing good.

- Why? What's happening?
- There are massive

rolling blackouts
from the heat.

They're hitting
the whole fucking coast

from San Francisco
down to San Diego.

Shit. Well, I guess we can kiss
"Spiderman" goodbye.

Forget "Spiderman. "
I just named

two of the most populated
cities in the whole fucking country.

- So what does that mean, Ari?
- It means that we are fucked.

We took a massive hit
on the midday numbers

and now they are
projecting 85.

Jesus Christ.
What am I gonna tell Vince?

Same thing you've been
telling him all day... nothing!

Keep your mouth shut
until it's official.

- Yeah, when's that gonna be?
- In a few hours, all right?

I want you to email me
your address

and I will come and tell him with you,
all right?

Lloyd!

What happened to the music?

It's a blackout, baby!
Into the pool!

Yeah, our moms say
Reggie looked

exactly like I did when I was his age.
You don't see it?

A little, I guess.
And you're related to Jay too?

Oh, we're practically
like brothers.

You girls should
take care of these two.

I'm gonna get a drink.
You want anything?

All good, Vince.

- Good to hear it, Reggie.
- Jay.

Ha-ha!
Life is good, huh?

Any word?

- No, nothing official.
- What does that mean?

How is this possible? An hour ago
we're the biggest opening ever

- and now we're a disaster?
- Yeah, well, fucking blackouts.

Fucking blackouts.

See, this is why I don't like to get
caught up in this shit.

You shouldn't let me
get caught up in it, E.

- Vince, come on.
- I know, I know. I asked.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Yeah.

Look at these kids.
This used to be us.

Remember how we used to talk
about coming out to Hollywood?

- It wasn't about money.
- No, it wasn't.

Fuck it. We're not gonna let this town
make it about money now.

- Let's get hammered.
- With 17-year-olds?

- We'll make their night.
- All right.

ARl: Blackouts?!

Fucking blackouts?

Thank you very much!

The town will understand, Ari.
It's not the movie's fault.

Baby, it wasn't
the Cubs' fault

when that douche bag
grabbed the foul ball either,

but they still don't get
a World Series ring.

There are no asterisks in this life,
only scoreboards,

and ours is currently
reading "Fucked. "

Well, there's nothing
you can do about it now,

so why don't you
sit down and relax?

Baby, I can't relax until I tell Vinnie.
I gotta go to the Valley.

After the call.

And who knows
when that will be?

Baby, isn't it
a little convenient

that the kids are
at your mother's?

Ari, I've been patient,
but now

whatever happens is totally out
of your control.

So let's go upstairs.

Fine, but I'm not
gonna like it.

Oh really?

All right, I may like it
just a little bit.

Oh.

Baby, I don't want you to hear this.

I could cry. I have to go to the Valley.
I promise you

when I get back,
no matter what,

we're gonna dent that headboard.
No bullshit.

I guarantee you you will not
walk right tomorrow.

Tell me something good.

Vince, Vince,
Vince, Vince!

- So you work with Vince?
- Yep.

- Is it fun?
- Yep.

You don't talk much, huh?

Not to high school girls,
sweetheart. No offense.

I'm not in high school.
This is my little brother's party.

I'm just chaperoning.

Oh-hh.

Ew. That was
a real creepy turn.

You may have
a couple pounds on me

but nothing outweighs
experience.

You ready?

Are you ready?

Hey, everybody!

Do you know how good
your lives are right now?

Yeah!

My boys are here
from high school

and we wish we could be back
living like this!

Yeah!

What the fuck
is he doing?

He wanted his
"Almost Famous" moment.

ARl: I told you not to tell him anything
until it was official.

Aw, what the fuck
is the difference, Ari?

Hey, Vinnie!

Ari is in the Valley?

Holy shit, we really
must be fucked, huh?

What are they projecting now?
45, Ari?

- 116, actually.
- What?

- 116, kid!
How's that possible?

You guys ever hear
of a hanging chad?

Where the fuck am I?
Listen,

the biggest thing
the blackouts affected

were the actual
reporting of the numbers.

- We beat "Spiderman"?
- Well, it's only Friday,

but if there isn't
a tornado in the Midwest

I think we've got a good
goddamn shot, my friend.

Hey, everybody,
you've got the biggest

movie star on the planet
on your roof right now.

It's all you, baby!

- Number one, baby.
Yeah! Do it!

So whose dad is this?

I don't know. Why don't you
throw him in the pool?

Fuck you, "throw me
in the pool. "

Hey, Kong, go get us
some beers.

- Put him in! Put him in!
- Go go!

Hey, you little fuck,

these are $900 shoes!

Okay, you guys are not
gonna believe this!

Those two girls
you introduced us to?

The most untouchable
girls in school. But guess what...

They like you.

They wanna hang
in my basement.

Basement! Nice!

The only problem is,
we can't all fit on the Vespa.

You can't roll chicks
in a Vespa, bro.

Well, we were hoping
maybe you could give us a lift.

- A lift?
Yeah, right.

I can't do that.

But what I can do
is this:

Turtle, give our
new best friends

- the keys to the Mas'.
- There you go.

Oh, that is so cool!
You're lending us your car?

- No no no.
- How do we get it back to you?

You don't.
You return it

to the Beverly Hills
Maserati dealership.

Your lease ends
at the end of August.

- No way.
- Holy shit.

ARl: That was actually
refreshing,

but I have to go home
to hammer the wife.

Give us a lift.

Anything to keep me away
from my house. Come on, bro.

We out.

Aw.

Yeah, the Valley
ain't so bad.