Entourage (2004–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - Aquamom - full transcript

- Six.
- Are you out of your mind, Drama?

That girl was perfect.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

How would you like to come to a movie
premiere Wednesday night?

"Aquaman"?

- I'd love to.
- Here you go.

- See you there.
- Thanks.

See you there.

"Six" my ass, Drama.

She was a six to me.
And I wouldn't have given her a ticket.

50 hot girls have walked by,
guy's had a problem with every one.



- That's 'cause none will look at him.
- What was wrong with her?

She was top-tall, bro.

What the fuck is top-tall?

Torso's too long,
legs are too short.

- She was inverted.
- Your brain's inverted.

I don't have to defend
my rating system.

Every girl I've given a ticket to
has been at least an eight.

And what do you rate, Drama?
I'm just curious.

Blow me, E. I don't have to rate,
I'm holding the cards.

Not many cards left.
How many did you guys give out anyway?

Just the right amount.

Yeah, it's like
chumming for sharks, Vince.

You throw enough blood and guts
in the water,

you're bound to catch a great white.



Yeah, except there's gonna be
50 girls at the party

who all show up thinking
they're your dates.

And what happens when 50 sharks
show up looking for their goodies, E?

Feeding frenzy.

Whatever. We got Ari in 30. Let's roll.

Let's do it.

Hey. 10!

- Last ticket.
- Our work here is done.

Excuse me!

Jesus Christ! Lloyd!

What the fuck is this?

- Your finger.
- It's dust, Lloyd.

It's fucking dust. Why is it here?

The cleaning staff's on strike.
You know that.

They strike, you work. You're Asian.
You're supposed to be a neat freak.

Go get a rag.

You're nervous Vince is coming up.

- Lloyd!
- It's the agent, Ari, not the office.

And you do have a lovely view.

It's West Fucking Hollywood, Lloyd!

And what I got is nine people
in 1400 square feet.

Now go grab a rag. Go!

I want every desk to be sterile enough
for you to get trained on.

Lloyd!

Look at this.

What a dump.

You could use the exercise anyway,
fat boy.

Yeah, why don't you race me up,
you 50-year-old cocksucker?

Hoo-hoo! Hey, Lloyd.

- Hey.
- Hey, Lloyd,

you might want to tell
someone the elevator's out.

I would tell someone,
Johnny Drama, but who?

Do you guys need a quarter
to feed the meter?

No, we're all good, Lloyd.

You telling me I couldn't be repped
at this shithole?

You've been repped
at bigger shitholes, right?

- What's the good word, boys?
- Ari!

Hey, Ari.

Hey, the place is, uh, it's really...

- It's nice.
- Thanks, Drama. How're you doing?

Still no agent.

What do you say?

I say that it's important
that whoever reps you

cares about you, right?

- Right.
- Right. Vinnie, E, let's go.

Awful. Just awful.

So boys, boys, big week.

Big week. The kind of week that
you will remember your whole lives.

Like the week that you
got your first blowjob.

Do you remember that week? I do.

Ninth grade.

One of the boys
on the chess team, Ari?

Oh, E. You could never have
gotten this girl.

Never. Beth Mariposa had a mouth

like a Dyson vacuum.
You know, never lost suction...

Okay, Ari, big week. Why are we here?

- I want to talk business.
- Okay, shoot.

Who are you taking to the premiere?
Shauna says you're rolling solo.

- No, I'm gonna roll with the boys.
- No no no. You're not gonna

roll the red carpet with
the Three Musketeers. Not this time.

- It's only two. I'm bringing Sloan.
- Perfect.

Let Vinnie walk the rug with her.
She's way too hot for you anyway.

- He's worried.
- Definitely.

- What am I worried about?
- The movie.

- You're worried it's not gonna open.
- This is why we should've taken a job.

Should we have taken
another job, Ari?

You take a job after we open.
Any job you want.

He always said
"you take your next job

- "before the last one opens. "
- That was your quote.

Yeah, but I amended that quote

when you got James Cameron
and the biggest movie ever.

- He's nervous.
- Definitely.

Boys, I am not nervous.
We are all good.

But this is the biggest night
of your life.

This is your coming out party.
This ain't "Head On. "

We want to make a statement.
A statement that says,

"I am a man now, not a boy. "

Come on, let's be classy.

You've been banging every girl west
of Sepulveda for the past six months.

Just pick the one skank
that's gonna photograph well

and be done with it. Boom!

- Hey!
- That does sound classy.

E, for the love of God,
help me out here.

Look, I agree it's a big night. Okay?

And if you're gonna take
someone you got to be smart.

This girl's gonna be linked to you
for a long time

- so she's got to be premiere-worthy.
- Okay. All right.

I just don't think any of my west
of Sepulveda skanks fit the bill.

Bottom line, there's only
one woman in my life

who really is premiere-worthy.

- Who?
- Ma.

Aquamom!

I love it. Boom!

There's no way Ma's
coming to L.A., bro.

- No way.
- We'll see.

You've never gotten her
to come before.

What makes you think
she'll come now?

- She won't.
- No way.

- We'll see.
- Why do you keep saying we'll see?

- I've got a plan.
- What kind of plan?

You'll see.

Power 106, Big Boy's neighborhood.

Vincent Chase is in the hood!

The movie is "Aquaman. "
Premieres Wednesday.

It's huge. It's everywhere.

My question to you, Vince, is how is it?

I begged Ma to come to my
"Viking Quest" DVD release party.

She said no. What would possibly
get her to come to this?

Look at these two.

One on the left
is from the 50 Cent video.

Ooh. Video hos.

I love it.

What the fuck are you looking at?

I'm just playing with you, sweetie.

Flirty video hos. Even better.

- So, Big Boy, I need a favor.
- Anything for Aquaman. I got you.

I need you to call the most
beautiful woman in the world

and ask her if she'll be
my date for the premiere.

That's done. Watch this.

Get Halle Berry on the phone
for him, man.

Actually, Halle Berry doesn't even
hold a candle to this woman.

Okay, now you know... Roll him out.

That's blasphemy.
That'll get you cut up in here.

- It's my mother.
Okay, sorry.

- Good plan.
- We'll see.

Ma will not cave in to
public pressure. No way.

- Hello? Yeah.
- Hello, Mrs. Chase?

How're you doing? It's Big Boy.
You're live on the radio.

Power 106 in Los Angeles.

If I haven't won anything,
let me save you the time.

- Hey, Ma, don't hang up.
- Vincent, is that you?

Yes, Ma, and we're live so don't curse.

Please don't curse.
- What do you mean we're live?

Don't do this to me.
Look, I'm standing here in a robe.

Don't do this to me.

Ma, no one can see you.
Calm down and don't curse.

What am I, some kind of animal?
Will you please stop saying that?

- Is your brother with you?
- Yeah, Ma, he's outside.

Has he gotten any work yet?

Ma, don't worry about Johnny.
He's fine.

We'll talk about him later.
I want to talk to you, okay?

You're brothers?

- Yeah.
- I'm a close cousin.

Over the radio you need to
talk to me? What are you up to?

I want you to come to the L.A.
Premiere with me.

Vincent, this is not the forum
for this discussion.

- She is not coming.
- Of course she's not coming.

- What's the issues?
- She doesn't like to travel.

- That's an issue.
- All right, all right.

I don't need the whole world
thinking I'm a lunatic, Vincent.

Look, I haven't been out
of New York in 30 years, okay?

- She's breaking.
- Not even close.

- And putting me live on the radio...
- Ma, you know what?

Just forget about the 100 million
potentially heartbroken listeners

- and listen to me for a second.
- Oh, fuck, Vincent.

Whoa, Mrs. Chase!

- Mama gangster.
- I knew she'd curse.

- That's 'cause she's breaking.
- No way.

- Ma.
- Yeah, baby?

I love you and I've never
pressured you to come out.

Not for any of my premieres,
not when I bought my house.

But I didn't realize what a big night
this was till a little while ago.

And it's important to me
that I share it with you.

So I'll send a boat, I'll send a plane.

I'll do whatever I have to do,

but I want you by my side
when I walk down that red carpet.

- This is moving shit.
- Still won't work.

- Ma?
- Vince.

- Yeah?
- All right.

I will do it. I'm coming.

Yes!

You got yourself a date!

You got yourself a date!
Got yourself a date!

You got yourself a date!

I can't believe it.

She better come to my next premiere.

Hey, why don't you guys
take us to this premiere?

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

There's no more tickets.
What do you guys want from me?

- We want more tickets.
- Just two.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

I'm still stinging from the knowledge
that Ma favors Vince.

Ari gave you guys 50 tickets.

You want more have Vince call him
and ask him. That's it.

Vince, will you please call Ari
and ask him for two more tickets?

- No.
Oh please, Vince!

We peaked too early.
You can't punish us for that.

Yeah, how were we supposed to know
best in show would appear so late?

Let me ask you a question: What's
so special about these two, huh?

These two will fuck us if we take 'em.

- Guaranteed.
- How do you know?

'Cause they said if you take us
we'll fuck you.

Call Ari.

Are these for Vince or are they
more for Turtle and Drama?

They're for Vince, Ari.
- Don't lie to me, E.

Ari, your business manager's
on the phone.

I'm in the gym until 11:30, Lloyd.
I need two more tickets for Vince.

We don't have any more.

Take two from Jimmy Woods,
he never uses them all anyway.

Okay, but your business manager, Ari.

The gym, Lloyd. The fucking gym!

- It's pretty urgent.
- It's pretty urgent

that in the 15 minutes a day I have free

I take the time to keep this body fit.

And not just so you have
a great ass to look at...

I want to live.

Ari, he says you bounced
a check to your kids' school.

So you'll just send
those tickets over, Ari?

Thanks.

Okay, no wonder everyone
at the book drive was staring at me.

They were staring at you
because you're hot, okay?

Look at all the other mommies.
They're ugly.

This is so humiliating.

I had no idea we were in
this bad of trouble, Ari.

Look, it's not like this was tuition.

This was our charitable donation.

25,000-bucks-a-year tuition
so a six-year-old

can play with blocks and they
still want a charitable donation?

I mean, this won't
even affect our kids.

We'll never have to see
the kids this affects.

Ari, tell me what you need now.

Now that you ask,
we've got to pay off the staff,

- we've got rent on the office...
- What's the number?

- I need 100 grand.
- Jesus!

Come on, baby. I'm on fumes here.

It'll float me until I get
the settlement from Terrance.

Well, I have dipped into my
personal savings five times already.

What's mine is yours.

- Sell your car.
- Sell your fucking watch.

You eat at The Palm
four nights a week.

Do I ever order the lobster?

No, I order the Gigi salad
and I sign clients.

Honey, the master plan
is happening here.

The seeds have been planted
all over this town. You know that.

Honey, they just need a little water.

You keep telling me that
but when are they gonna grow?

Vinnie opens on Friday.
He is the first seed to bloom.

He's gonna be the biggest
movie star on the planet.

- You know that.
- No, Ari. I don't.

Well, you need to know
that I know that, okay?

And you need to trust me the way
you trust your daddy's trust fund.

All right?
You call them personal savings

but you haven't
saved shit personally.

Whatever, Ari.

My father put that money
aside for me

in case something happened to us
and it's almost gone.

But we're still here and I could've
banged Heidi Klum when she was 23

but I took a pass, okay? What the
fuck is gonna make me leave now?

You could die.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Not until I saw that the life
insurance check didn't bounce.

Ooh, what do you think about this?

Oh, I like it.
Ma would look great in that.

What about this?

- Look how excited you are.
- Does that make me a pussy?

No, it makes you a man.
And a very handsome one.

- Now what size is she?
- I don't know. E?

I don't know women's dress sizes

and B: I don't look
at your mom's body.

You don't? I look at your mom's.

Shut the fuck up.

We'll take this whole rack
in different sizes.

Nice when you're on commissions,
huh, sweetheart?

Now let's go find me a dress
that makes my tits pop.

Jeez, and you have me walking up.

Do you know how much
these shoes cost?

Of course I know how much they cost,
Stephanie. I fucking paid for them.

And you told me I was gonna meet
Jim Cameron.

- When did that happen?
- Oh, it's Jim now.

We were supposed to have lunch
last week.

- Jim Cameron, I love that.
- You know what?

Now where are we?
This fucking place.

- This way.
- How do you know?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, you don't know.

Please.

Fucking elevator's broken, Lloyd.
Are you aware of that?

Yes. Hi, Mr. Woods.

So this is the shithole he's been
working out of, huh?

- You haven't been up here yet?
- No,

he's hiding this place like Anne Frank.

- Um...
- Hey, get your own girlfriend.

Mr. Woods, did you get
your premiere tickets?

Some of them, Lloyd. Some.

- Hello?
- Johnny Drama,

it seems that we made
a terrible mistake.

The tickets we sent you yesterday
actually belong to James Woods.

Oh yeah? That sucks.

Uh, yes, it sucks. And I need them back.

- No go.
- Fuck that.

Uh, Johnny...

Lloyd, possession
is two-fifths of the law.

- Just get Woods two more.
- Turtle, there are no more

and Mr. James Woods is very unhappy
and he wants them back.

Sorry, bro,
but you tell Jimmy Woods...

And this is coming
from me personally...

If he wants them
he can come and get them.

Fuck Jimmy Woods.

I heard.

- This is for your premiere date?
- Uh-huh.

- He's taking his mother.
- Oh, that's really sweet.

I don't know, I can't decide.
Should I just take them all?

Yeah, if you're desperate
for frequent flyer mileage.

I'm gonna take them all.

Uh, here, take my card too.

In case you need anything else.

Why don't you just say
what you really mean, hon?

Hello?

Eric, it's your other mother.

Hey, Rita.
Why aren't you on the plane?

- Eric, is Vince with you?
- Yeah, are you okay?

- Hold on.
- No, don't get him. Don't get him.

Look, I'm at the airport.
I can't do it.

I can't get on the plane. I've been
sitting in the limo for over an hour.

- Did you miss your flight?
- Honey, I'm not coming.

- Hold... Let me put Vince on.
- No don't, please.

I just can't have him guilt-tripping me
about this right now.

Tell him I love him. Tell him I miss him.

- Tell him to wear a suit.
- Rita!

Tell him I'm very sorry. Bye bye.

- Ari?
- No, it was your mother.

She's not on the plane?

Sweetie, just calm, okay?

Of course.

Holy shit, it's Woods.

- Hey, Drama, it's Jimmy Woods.
What?

- Hello?
- Hey, Drama, hey.

Hey, it's Jimmy Woods.

I need my tickets.

Uh, what tickets, Jimmy?

Drama, look, I got a...
I got a big day for the...

You know, I got to get a facial.

Just give me the fucking tickets.

- Uh...
- No.

No.

How about...
How about you got five seconds

to give me my fucking tickets?

Five.

Or what?

You gonna huff and puff
and blow the house down?

How about I'm gonna knock
this fucking door down

and come in there and shove
your head up Turtle's ass?

Give me my fucking tickets!
You got five seconds!

Five!

You pussy.

A clever pussy.

There are no tickets in that envelope.

Wow. Sneaky sneaky.

- Fuck with me, huh?
- Just remember your blood pressure.

No, don't... Ah, my blood pressure
up the ass, okay?

I've got medicine.
I've got medicine for this shit.

I've got so many fucking pills
I feel like I'm working for Pfizer.

- Come here.
- All right.

Hey, I'll see you tomorrow night,
Vince! And up your ass!

I've got it. Jessica Biel.

- Take Jessica Biel, Vince.
- I don't know Jessica Biel, Turtle.

So get to know her
and get to bang her.

Or get to know her so I can bang her.

Okay, I'll do my best.

You don't want to take
someone famous, bro.

- Why not?
- They'll overshadow him.

I learned that from Tom Sizemore

when he brought Heidi Fleiss
to the "Black Hawk Down" premiere.

Bringing a hooker's probably
not a good idea either, Drama.

I wasn't going with Ma for the press

and I'm not going
with anybody else for the press.

I'll go by myself.
It's not that big a deal.

Thanks for dinner, Johnny.
I'm gonna go get changed.

Meeting the jewelry store girl.

He's bummed.

He loves strawberries.

Ma must be bummed too.
She's missing something big.

Nah, Ma doesn't care
if she misses things

as long as no one else
she knows catches her.

Ma can be very petty.

What? What's with the look?

- I've got a plan.
What, now he's got a plan?

For my Ma, everyone's got a plan.

I hope you're not thinking
what I hope you're not thinking.

What do you hope he's not thinking?

- Make the call to her.
- I'm not making the call.

I'm making the call, you're making
the call. Now make the fucking call.

- What call?
This will ruin the whole night.

It's not your night,
it's Vince's night. Make the call.

Aw fuck.

- What time is it back east?
- 10:30.

Will someone please
tell me how you did this?

- Oh, quit your whining.
- Seriously,

what do you want to ruin
the surprise for?

Just worry about how you're gonna
get Ma to my next big event, bro.

The good news is you'll have
plenty of time to plan for that one.

You're funny.

Ma! Ma!

I can't believe this.
How did you do it?

Holy shit!

Ms. Jericho!

Yeah, it's real funny.

Best pussy night of the year
and we just destroyed it.

Hey, Ma!

Always hugs him first.
I am your firstborn, Ma.

Did you bring a dress, Ma?

No, I'm gonna wear this
on the red carpet.

- Fucking idiot.
- Nice way to travel, isn't it?

Yeah, but where is Sloan?
I'm dying to meet her.

Soon, Mom, soon. You're gonna
meet her tonight at the premiere.

I'm glad I came. This is gonna be fun.

- Limo's coming at 6:30.
- I'll be back.

Pick up my suit from the tailor?

I'm going to the fucking tailor,
all right?

So I can pick up the new $5,000 suit
that I fucking paid for.

What? I've heard a lot worse

come out of your wife's mouth, Phil!

When you're doing
a comic book character

it's even more critical
that everything be absolutely real.

So we had to devise a way for Vince
to really breathe underwater.

Turtle, Drama!
- Hey!

- Do you have our tickets?
- We couldn't get 'em.

Who's that animal?

What do you mean
you couldn't get 'em?

I just got my hair pressed
for this shit.

Next time, ladies, next time.

I play Avedon,
a brutal and corrupt businessman

hellbent on world domination,

so I'm not sure how I really identify
with such a character.

Oh hey! Whoa, look at this!
Look at this.

Now here's the real star
of the Chase family,

Johnny Chase, huh? Johnny Chase.

God, this guy...
Did you ever see "Viking Quest," huh?

Well, you're probably too young.
I love this guy!

Johnny Chase, nice to see you.

Okay, buddy, take it easy.

- Big movie, you look handsome.
- Thank you very much,

- and you look lovely.
- Thank you.

- So tell me: How do you feel?
- Oh, I feel great.

I'm so proud to be part of this movie

and James Cameron is simply a genius.
What can I say?

Yes, he is.
He's coming up right behind you.

Okay, don't party too late tonight.

If they don't like the movie,
reshoots 8:00 am tomorrow.

Okay.

- He's serious too.
- Go get 'em, Vinnie.

- He looks good out there.
- ARl: He's gonna be a huge star.

- You really believe that?
- I know it.

Vincent, over here!
- I trust you.

- But still no lobsters.
- I love you.