Entourage (2004–2011): Season 2, Episode 4 - An Offer Refused - full transcript

This place is beautiful, Vincent.

You have really
outdone yourself.

Not bad for a kid
from Queens, huh?

Not bad for a kid from anywhere.
Who's gonna decorate?

I'm gonna do it.
You know I got a great eye.

- Lots of reds.
- Don't be an idiot, Drama.

You know, I almost went
to Parsons, Shauna.

What you mean you almost went
to Parsons? What does that mean?

Get out of here.

When are you gonna cut him
off already, huh?

You know you're doing him
a huge disservice.



Do you know that I carried
my brother for 15 years?

And now he's living in a van
outside of a Target.

- Really?
- We don't talk about him.

How about your decorator?
You know how much I love your place.

Carrie Carlson.
She's the best in the biz.

I guarantee you she'll get you
into "Architectural Digest."

Well, hook it up.
I'm gonna go christen the bathroom.

All right.
Congratulations, sweetie.

And to think this all started
from a Vicks commercial.

Amazing!

You guys are so fucked!

I bet you're gonna sink
at least three mil into this place.

I guessed five.

- You must be freaking out, Eric.
- Cool as a cucumber, Shauna.



- So not like you.
- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

There you go, E.

Finally turning into a human being
I can hang out with.

See that? Things are finally starting
to pan out for me.

I think "Variety" is gonna run
the "Aquaman" announcement tomorrow.

- I'm hoping for the cover.
- Oh, cool. Don't let them use

- that smiley face picture.
- I love that picture.

Vince hates it.
It drives him crazy.

Use the "What the fuck
are you looking at?" shot.

Maybe we'll land him
the next Scorsese movie.

- That'd be nice.
- Nice.

I think we should turn
the pool to face south.

Very feng shui.

Will you just let the professionals
handle this stuff?

Shauna, obviously
you never saw my condo.

No, but I'm picturing
lots of leopard sheets and leather.

You know you should go easy
on me, Shauna.

I'm going in for surgery.

Surgery?
Are you okay?

It's elective.
I'd rather not talk about it.

He's having his botched
adult circumcision corrected.

Hey, Ronnie!
Yo, that 70" beast is for my room.

Vince only wanted a 50".

I swear to God!
Ask him.

- Hello.
- Yo, Suit.

Billy, how are you?

I'm fucking amazing!
Guess what?

- What, you finally showered?
- Fuck you.

- We got into Sundance!
- We got in!

- We got into Sundance!
- We're in, motherfucker!

Gonna be the first back-to-back winner
in the festival's history.

Vince, come here! Congratulations,
Billy. You did a great job.

If you go out tonight, call me.
We'll celebrate.

Absolutely.

- "Queens Blvd." got into Sundance.
- Wow. That's awesome.

We are having
a fuckin' good month!

Good job, E.

This and "Aquaman" will get us
the "Variety" cover for sure.

Sundance, baby.

Yeah. You did this.

- Hey, Lloyd.
- Hi.

Is he decent?

Eric, I'll deny I said this,
but no, he's not decent.

He's an awful human being.

You'll have to bring
your own thermals.

But I'll get you
on all the hot party lists.

Turtle did this.
Not bad, right?

You know "The Station
Agent," Eric?

- Yeah.
- Monster fuckin' hit at Sundance!

Did you see it? It's about the midget
who lives by the train tracks.

The last time I saw him,
he was in a FedEx commercial.

They were overnighting him
to London.

His name is Peter Dinklage. He's doing
a movie with Vin Diesel right now.

Really? Which one?
Is it "Twins Part Deux"?

You'll never give me credit
for anything, will you?

You got me. Are you kidding? Sundance
is a great festival for little people.

You should kill over there.
But for the rest of us normal folk,

it's just a chance to try
to fuck a Mormon.

Whoo! Pleasure as always, Ari.

- I'll see you on the slopes.
- Eric.

- Yeah?
- Sit down.

What's up?

It's about
the "Aquaman" offer.

- What about it?
- It's M.I.A.

- What do you mean?
- I mean we don't have it yet.

What do you mean?
We already had it.

We had it,
but we haven't gotten it.

We're waiting
on the paperwork, right?

Yeah, I've been waiting.

Okay, all right.
I'm missing something here.

- They made us an offer and we accepted.
- Uh-huh. Yup.

And you said we were waiting on
the paperwork. So what's goin' on?

- I don't know.
- Well pick up the phone and find out!

You don't think
that I've picked up the fucking phone?

- Well, pick it up again!
- I told you guys not to sit on this!

You know how much time was wasted
getting Drama on as his personal chef

and Turtle as his driver?
I mean, come on.

Ari, you realize that Vince
just bought a house for $5 million.

Was I the one that told you guys
to do a 10-day escrow?

Ari, find out
what the fuck is going on.

Call me. Please.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Dr. Green's office.

- Dr. Green?
- Yeah.

- He's good.
- The best.

Johnny Chase?

I'm just getting
my girlfriend something.

- As a gift.
- Oh, you have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

That's too bad.

So, tell me, Mr. Chase, why are you
interested in calf augmentation?

Well, Doc,
I've always felt top heavy.

Out of proportion.

You know, I work out every day
and they just don't grow.

Well, we're all victims
of our genetic heritage.

Yeah, well,
I was a double victim.

We used to say about Pops,
"No child support and no calves."

We can do it for you,
Mr. Chase.

But it is something that you
have to be very be sure of,

because this is
major surgery.

Doc, I'm an actor
by trade.

My legs
are my livelihood.

You know,
I've got great thighs,

very aesthetic knees.

And I feel pretty good
about my ankles.

It's just my calves
I can't live with.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure
I want to do it.

Then I'll have Rita
schedule you in.

Excellent.

Thank you, Doc.

Pleasure.

Oh, Mr. Chase, the cost
of the operation will be $10,000.

Do you take
S.A.G. Insurance?

This is Michael
and Catherine's living room.

Oh, did they fight
over that rug.

Catherine's got all the T-mobile money
coming in right now.

- Bet she won, huh?
- Exactly.

Brad and Jen's master bath.

Heartbreaking, although I heard
they might be getting back together.

Carrie, you have any pictures
of Jen in the tub?

How 'bout I tell Brad Pitt
that you said that, Turtle?

- He'll kick your fuckin' ass.
- Please.

I don't think you get where
we come from, okay, Shauna?

I will slap Brad Pitt
in his face.

I don't know, Brad looked pretty
ripped in "Troy."

That's all C.G.I., Drama.

They're gonna make Vince look
ripped up in "Aquaman."

- Thanks, Turtle.
- David Schwimmer's kitchen.

Notice the accents
in the marble and the full line

- of Miele ovens and ranges.
- Mieles are awesome, Vince.

They go from 0-400°
in four seconds.

And they have a roast probe,
which is nice to have.

How have we lived this long
without a roast probe?

Look, Vince, the point with the house
is that it's yours.

And I work 24 hours a day, seven days
a week to make sure it feels that way.

- Sounds good. Let's do it.
- All right.

- What do you charge?
- It's a $150,000 retainer.

And then I get
10% of all purchases.

But I also get 20% off
all purchases.

So really, you're coming
out 10% ahead.

- That sounds fair. You take a check?
- Of course.

Actually, we're a little
low on cash flow right now.

- Maybe if there's...
- We're waiting for money to come in.

Big money, Carrie. You're gonna
be doing Aquaman's house.

Ooh, fancy.

We should get you guys an aquarium then.
I know the best place.

It's fine. We can get started.
I know you're good for the money.

Come on, Chris,
I painted your house for you.

You stiffed me three grand.

I would have forgotten about it
but I need the money right now.

You begged me
to paint my house, Drama,

and you fucked it up so bad
I had to pay somebody else to redo it,

and I still gave you $2,500
'cause I'm a generous guy!

Come on, Chris, we had a deal.
Don't make me beg.

What do you need this money for?
You in trouble?

No no, it's nothing
like that.

- It's elective surgery.
- What are you getting your nose done?

No, implants.

- Calf implants.
- You're sicker than I thought.

You gonna give me
the money or not?

Yeah, I'll give you
the money for a shrink.

You know what, fat boy?
I'll tell you what.

How 'bout I come in
there, I beat your ass

and then you give me
the money.

You're looking slow
in there, Chris.

You beat my ass
I'll give you the money.

All right.

I gotta warn you, Chris, I'm in the best
shape of my life right now.

You know every time we get
in the ring together

you end up
gettin' busted up.

Dana Gordon,
you made Junior VP

and I gotta wait three days
for a call back?

Sorry, Ari, we were moving offices.
You know how it is.

Where's the Vinny Chase offer?

- What are you...
- Dana?

Are you taking
a piss, Ari?

That check you wrote me
isn't going to bounce, is it?

No. I'd wait till Thursday
to cash it, though.

- Excuse me?
- I'm kidding. It's fine.

It is calming.

You know, Vince, Oscar De La Hoya has
a shark in his house.

Aquaman should
have one in his.

Yeah.
How much, Keith?

That guy right there is $6,500,
but he's a mutt.

You want a purebred White Tip,
it'll cost you around $11,000.

Maybe we should get two,
so they have a friend?

Definitely, man!
Look at that.

- What do you think, E?
- About what?

Getting a couple sharks
for the house?

- Well, how much is a shark?
- 11 grand.

You really think we need
a shark, Vince?

Yes, we do, E! And we should consider
gettin' some lobsters, too.

We get bored with 'em, Drama can throw
'em in that new oven we're getting.

It's Ari.
I'm gonna take this.

As much as I'd love to spend the rest
of my day with you guys, I must go.

I've got to drag Russell Crowe
out of Tom Bergin's.

He's got "Leno" tonight.

- See you.
- Ciao, beautiful.

Ciao.

- What's up, Ari?
- Just had lunch with Dana Gordon.

- What'd she say?
- Everything's going to be great.

Boss is in France.
He just has to sign off on the details.

- You believe her?
- I've known her a very long time.

Just stay calm.
We're gonna be okay.

I will be calm when Vince has that check
in his hands, okay, Ari?

Neurotic Irish fuck.

Here's your left implant!

Here's your right implant!

Left! Right!

And by the way,
I'm going to lose this weight,

but you're never going
to get smart.

Ask your fucking brother
for the money.

All right, Chris.
How about half the money?

I'm not just talking
about the fish.

I mean, to spend $50,000 on a tank
is insane. We don't even have a couch.

This morning this guy was
all for making the house nice.

We'll just wait
for Carrie's discount.

- She gets a discount on fish?
- Shauna says she's the best.

I think she gets a discount
on everything.

Hell, what the fuck
happened to you?

I just worked out
with Chris Penn.

Why do you always
work out with him?

- You catch a beating every time.
- No, this is nothing.

Look, bro, you know
I'd never ask you for anything,

but I'm in dire need
of 10 grand.

Drama, it's just
now's not a good time.

Vince has a lot
of expenses right now.

Is your name Vince?

Look, I've exhausted
all available options.

You know I'd never come
to you for money.

And you know I'd never
say no to you.

But, Johnny,
this is insane.

This is my life!

Are these things gonna
feel like fake tits?

- I'm not in the mood, Turtle.
- I'm just asking a question.

You think girls sit
around like us,

"You like a guy with
real calves or fake calves?"

As long as you go
underneath the muscle,

like with tits,
they have a natural feel.

So you've felt
a man's fake calf before?

- Ugh!
- Uh, listen Johnny.

I'll think about it,
all right?

- Vince.
- Yeah?

You know I love you,
right, bro?

I know. I know.

Oh yeah.
Sweet sweet sweet.

Yeah, we could drop
some serious coin in this place.

God, I hate shopping.

Hmm.
This is kind of comfy.

I could take a nap
right here.

Now that is the couch
of a movie star if I've ever seen one.

Josh Weinstein.
What's going on, man?

Hey, Sundance, baby!
We did it.

Don't forget, Josh Weinstein's the one
that found you that script.

- We remember.
- Great.

This is my girl Ima.

Did three episodes
of "North Shore" last year.

We're movin' in together.
Might even buy the same couch as you.

Okay, baby.
Go check out a lamp, okay?

- Seriously.
- Nice to meet you.

So, guys,
congrats on J.C.

That's a big score.

I mean, I love "Aquaman," but I didn't
think they could land a whale like that.

- What are you talking about?
- J.C., baby.

James Cameron's directing
"Aquaman."

What, you guys didn't know?
Ari is slackin'.

Well, just remember Josh
Weinstein told you first.

Yo, James Cameron, baby.

This could be the worst
piece-of-shit movie ever,

and it'll still make
a billion dollars.

I would give my left arm
to do a Cameron movie.

- How 'bout your left calf?
- Do you think it's true?

I don't know.
I can't find Ari.

You are on fire, E.
It's crazy.

You read these things and you can
never guess what it's gonna be.

But with a guy like James Cameron,

you know it's gonna be special.
I'm gonna call Ari again.

Ari Gold's office.

Lloyd, it's Eric Murphy.
I need to talk to Ari.

Eric, he told me
if I disturbed him,

he'd chop me up
Benihana style.

This is the most important phone call
you've ever had. I promise you.

Do you how many times I've told him
I'm Chinese? The man does not listen.

I don't care if he's in the middle
of open heart surgery.

- Get him on the phone!
- Okay, fine, E.

But it's just because you are

the only nice person
in this whole fucking town!

Thanks, Lloyd.

I would have to say
it's his anger.

I mean, he goes
from zero to 100 in a second flat.

- Come on.
- Do you feel this is

- an accurate assessment, Ari?
- No. I'm a very calm guy.

I mean, whether it's... that's...

I'm a very calm person,
all right?

Whether I'm at work
or in a social situation,

I am extremely calm.

But my wife,
who I love very dearly,

uh, she likes to nag,

and I react to the nagging.

Overreact.

Sometimes,
okay, maybe.

But without the nagging,

no reaction.

Well, what he
calls "nagging,"

I call trying to have
a relationship.

Look, there's
no proverbial judge

sitting on
a bench judging you.

Ari, I told you
to turn that off.

I did turn it off, but this
is the emergency line.

- This is the Bat Line.
- Do you need to get that?

- I do need to take this, yes.
- No, he doesn't.

I ask for one hour out of a day
for his undivided attention,

- and I can't even have that.
- You can have it if you want to live

in Agoura fucking Hills
and go to group therapy.

But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion
and a country club membership

and nine weeks a year
at a Tuscan villa,

then I'm gonna need to take a call
when it comes in at noon

on a motherfucking Wednesday!

See, that's it.
There it is.

You know what?
I have to take this.

There better be a Scud missile heading
towards Beverly Hills, Eric.

No, there's a fucking iceberg, Ari.

- What?
- James Cameron's directing "Aquaman"!

Fuck you.
Where'd you hear that? Friendster?

No, I heard it
from Josh Weinstein, you jerkoff.

Now get your hand off your dick
and go call somebody.

I don't care if he's
in the Arctic Shelf.

Get James Cameron on the phone!
Get Dana Gordon on the phone!

Tell her assistant
if she does not call me back,

I will fuck her worse
than I did in Cabo in '92.

- Do you really want me to say that?
- Improvise, Lloyd.

I'm gonna be there in 90 seconds.
Find out who covers Warner's.

If all this is not taken care of

I will choke you out
with a strap-on!

See you when you get here.
Potty-mouth.

James Cameron is not in.
Dana Gordon is not in.

- Mm-hmm.
- Peter Cole covers Warner.

- Who?
- Peter Cole.

- Where's Mr. Cole's fucking office?
- That way.

Call Gordon and Cameron every
five minutes until someone picks up!

Cole?! Where is Mr. Fucking
Peter Cole's office?

Cole? Where the fuck
is Peter Cole's office?

- Right there.
- Right here?

James Cameron
is directing "Aquaman"?

That's great.
That's awesome.

"That's awesome," huh?

You didn't think to bring
it up in the fucking staff meeting?

An e-mail?
A yellow fucking sticky something?

I didn't know I was supposed
to know that kind of stuff.

What is it you're supposed
to know, do you think?

What the fuck
do we pay you for?

To get your agency card laminated

so you can go to Shelter
and try to fuck Mischa Barton?

- I didn't think...
- Let me tell you something.

You don't have to say anything.
You know why?

'Cause you pick up
all your stuff

because you're
motherfucking fired!

- What happened?
- I don't know.

I was dropping off Peter's mail

and then Mr. Gold fired me.

My life is over.

I've got Dana Gordon
on the phone.

Is it true?

Ari, listen, I couldn't say anything,
okay? We were negotiating.

Did you tell Jimbo Vincent Chase
is attached to this project?

- It's all gonna be fine.
- Don't fuck me, Dana!

Who got you that job?
Who pulled you out of accounting?

Okay, Ari, listen to me,
all right?

I'm gonna tell you this,
but if you tell anyone that I told you

- I will deny it until my death.
- All right.

Alan and Jim are in Paris right now,
and as soon as they are done,

- they will take care of Vince.
- Uh-huh.

And, Ari, listen.
Alan loves Vince, okay?

His 14-year-old daughter has
Vince posters all over her walls.

We're all good.

Dana, I love you.

And if I wasn't married,
I'd take you back to Cabo with me.

Yeah, it wasn't Cabo, Ari.

It was a Red Roof Inn
in Rosarito.

It sure felt like Cabo
to me, Dana.

Goodbye!

Bye.

Hey, Lloyd, get in here.
I want to make out with you!

Coming.

Hey, Vince, you wanna tell these cunts
that I'm with you?

Is this guy with you, Vince?

This guy's gonna win Sundance
for the second time this year.

Billy Walsh.
You don't know him?

- Well, alrighty then, Mr. Walsh.
- Let him in.

Enjoy your evening.

Come on, guys.
Yo, Ari, the boys are here.

Hey, hey.
Is anybody on time anymore?

- What's up, baby?
- Whoo-hoo!

There he is, Mr. Walsh.
Congratulations, my friend.

Oh, great!
Another suit.

Suit Number One,
sit with Suit Number Two.

Great, he can direct us, huh?

Congratulations, Billy.

Hey, Skirt Suit,
move over would you?

- Let me get in next to the models.
- Asshole!

Billy, am I gonna be happy
with myself in the cut?

Happiness is a state
of mind, Johnny.

Now let me get your place.

I like your girl better, okay?
Move over. Come on.

You hear anything?

- It's all good.
- No, it's not all good.

Vince hired a decorator
today for a $150,000.

- Oh yeah, who'd you get?
- Carrie Carlson.

- She's good. She's expensive.
- What are you, an asshole?

No, I'm the guy that just got you
that James Cameron movie.

Do not fuck with me, Ari.

Just talked to the studio.

They're wrapping him up then
they're gonna wrap us up.

I wanted to wait to tell you so you
could grab the glory and tell your boy.

- You wanna hug it out? Come here.
- Yeah!

Vince, Cameron's in!

We're doing
a James Cameron movie!

Wow!
That's truly amazing!

Holy shit.
Yo, Johnny!

- Yo!
- I think it's retarded,

but if you want
to do your legs, you got it.

- What are you doing to your legs?
- Nothing.

Thanks, bro, but could we talk
about that later please.

I wanna say something!
Everybody grab a glass!

See this guy right here?

See that guy right there!

Nobody believed in them.

I did.
And it paid off.

And we believed
in you, Vince.

And that really
paid off, baby.

To Sundance and beyond!

Thank you!

Yo, Eric, if you guys
wanna move on down,

it seems a little crowded,
you can take over Leo's table.

- Why? He's not coming in?
- No no.

Leo went to Paris
to talk to James Cameron

about some fish movie.

We are so fucked.

We are so fucking fucked.