Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Tinker Grant - full transcript

- I'm hot.
It's hotter than hell in here.

You know what I always wondered?

What do people in hell say...

"It's hotter than here in here"?

When is that air-conditioning
guy supposed to come?

He has come and gone,
and here is the estimate

$800.

$800?

We got to raise some cash
around here.

You got any ideas?

Well, I hear there's big money
in air-conditionin' repair.



Well, we got to do somethin'.

I've tried loans, grants,
contributions.

The only thing left
is to plant corn in here

and apply for a farm subsidy.

Alfalfa'd do a lot better
this time of year.

What are we gonna do
about this heat?

Well, I hate to say it,
but they is the emergency fund,

and I believe this qualifies
as emergency.

All right.

It'll clean us out, but...
I guess there's no choice.

Here, go buy us a bag of ice.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here



♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Good morning, ladies.

It's gonna be another scorcher.

This ain't so hot.

Once back in hickory,
it got so hot,

the ranchers
was a-brandin' their cattle

by backin' them
into a chain-link fence.

- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?

I'm Benjamin withers,
from the krovitz foundation.

We received your application
for a Grant,

and I'm here to evaluate
your clinic.

- The krovitz Grant?
Come right in.

- Hi, there. How are you?
I'm Dr. Harry Weston.

This is Dr. Maxine Douglas

and our nurse,
miss Laverne Todd.

- How do you do?
Could I get you somethin'...

A cup of coffee, a doughnut,
a lobster?

Thank you,
but I never accept gifts.

You poor man.

You must be one sad puppy
at Christmas.

I mean from the people
I'm evaluating.

Well, would you like a seat?

We'll be happy
to charge you for it.

I know it must seem
excessive to you,

but with thousands of dollars
riding on my decision,

I try to avoid
any hint of undue influence.

Then I suppose
a bribe is out of the question.

How much?

Just joking.

I may be incorruptible,
but I do have a sense of humor.

I'd say?

Funny guy.

Points off for sucking up.

Gotcha!

Okay, enough of this tomfoolery.

Now, you just go about
your business

and make believe
that I'm not here.

Fair enough.

You know, now that he's not here

I have to say
he's a really nice man.

And smart.

Not to mention
very easy on the eyes.

So they ended up

gettin' married
'cause of peer pressure.

See, her daddy
""peared" to have a shotgun,

and he "'peared" to be puttin'
pressure on the trigger.

Mr. Fernandez, you're next.

By the way, doctor,

I'm waitin' for you
to make your decision

on switchin' to this
new medical supply company.

Okay, I'll get right on it.

Say, Harry,
see what you want to do

about this new supply outfit.

Okay.

Laverne, do me a favor, please.

Would you make a decision
about this new supply company?

Well, the buck stops here...

Right here where it started.

Who left this on?

Hi, Sophia.

Sophia, is something wrong?

I've lost the feeling
in my left hand.

- My!
- When did you first notice it?

1947.

Why don't you go to a doctor?

I'll give it one more day.

I thought I heard
the refrigerator door open.

Charley, what do I have to do
to have a meal around here

without seeing you
across the table?

Sit in my lap?

Anyway, I'm not here to see you.
I came to ask Sophia something.

Not a penny.

I don't want money.

- What do you want?
- Anna Maria tartaglia.

She's the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

So what's that
got to do with me?

Her parents won't let her
date anyone who's not Italian,

and that's
where you come in, Sophia.

Okay, I'll go out with her.

No, I want you to teach me
to be Italian.

Why would I help a yutz like you

pass yourself off as Italian?

I'll give you 50 bucks.

Paisan!

Now, you're just exhausted
from overwork.

Go on home and stay out of bed
for a few days.

No more patients?

Dr. Weston's seein'
the last one now.

Quick! Lock the door
before an emergency shows up.

He knows I'm just joking.

Don't you, Mr. Withers?

Certainly. Of course.

Anybody could see that.

So how are we stackin' up?

Now, doctor,

you wouldn't want me
to violate my code of ethics

and tell you prematurely.

Sure I would.

What's a little premature
violation among friends?

You're joking again.

Until tomorrow, ladies.

Okay, let's wrap her up.

He forgot his notebook.

How unfortunate.

Doctor, we got to call
that man back.

- You're right. You're right.
I'll do it.

Mr. Withers.

You forgot your notebook.

Come back.
Come back, Mr. Withers.

Doctor!

Darn! There goes his car.

Guess he didn't hear me.

Doctor, we cannot open
that notebook.

- You're right.
I'll X-ray it.

Come on, doctor.

Now, you know the difference
between right and wrong.

Who are you... jiminy cricket?

Doctor, we have got to respect
that man's privacy.

- Okay, fine.
You're right.

I'll lock it
in the filing cabinet.

Just so there's no question
in of my integrity,

you keep the key.

Dr. Douglas, I trust you.

It's this key I don't trust.

Bye-bye now.

Good luck teaching Charley
to become an Italian gentleman.

This is a guy who ties the ends
of his spaghetti together

so he can eat it all
in one slurp.

- I know.
I taught him that.

"Bon jovi," ladies.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Charley dietzaroni.

Okeydokey, teach,
what do we do first?

First I get my cash up front.

Charley, just what are you
supposed to be?

Please, a little respect.

You happen to be addressing
a "Dave."

- What?
- A "Dave."

It's a title of respect
we Italians use.

Is it possible the imbecile
could be referring to a "Don"?

Dave corleone... Don corleone...

Yeah, that's it, I'm a "Don."

- You're a clown.
Come here.

That hurt!
- Good.

Button up that shirt.

You're an insult
to two nationalities...

The Italians
and whatever it is you are.

Charley, don't you know

that you're perpetuating
a stereotype?

Not all Italians are gangsters.

I know that.

I just don't happen
to own a priest outfit.

I give up. The man has
for brains.

Carol...
You think of something.

- Ha! Me?
Why would I want to help him?

- Because...
You're a genius, Carol.

Well...

I wouldn't say genius exactly.

No kidding, Carol.

Your I.Q. Is way up there
in the Roman numerals.

Charley, she'll never
fall for that pile of...

- Wait.
I've got it.

When you go to meet her parents,

take Sophia with you
and introduce her as a relative.

If she's Italian,
that makes you Italian.

Hey, you're not as dumb
as I thought.

How about it, Sophia?
I can introduce you as my...

Great-great-grandmother.

Great-grandmother.

Grandmother.

Sister.

Charley, this girl
must be really special

for you
to go to all this trouble.

She's not so special.

I'm just in the mood
for Italian.

That moron.

Sophia, you're not actually
gonna go through

with helping him?
- Who's helping him?

I got 50 reasons
why I should go to the track.

Yeah!

Coming.

- Harry, we got trouble.
- With a capital "t,"

and that rhymes with "g,"
which stands for "Grant,"

which we ain't gettin'.

Wait a minute.

How do you know that?
- Just take our word for it.

If it wasn't true,
we wouldn't trouble you.

And that rhymes with "w",
which stands for "withers."

Are you gonna tell me
what this is about,

or do I have to sit through
the entire alphabet?

Withers forgot his notebook,
and I read it.

I told her not to!

- Maxine, how could you?
- Let's save some time here.

Now you're gonna get up
on your high horse

and tell me how wrong I was,

and then I'm gonna hang my head
and tell you how guilty I feel,

and in the end, we're all gonna
want to know what it says,

so why don't we cut the baloney
and get on with it?

- Okay, what's it say?
Come here.

It says we're screwed.

It's a whole string
of complaints.

"Nurse socializes
with patients...

Long stories
about her hometown."

- That is downright silly.
When did I ever do that?

Well, according to this, at

9:05, 11:15, 12:36

1:22, 2:19...

Doctor, you know you are
goin' straight to hell

for readin' that man's notebook.

Look, look, all right, listen,

we still have a chance to...
To get the Grant.

I mean... I mean, Laverne,
you can go one day

without telling a hickory story,
can't you?

Of course I can.

Lord, you two act like
it's some kind of compulsion.

Okay,
that takes care of item one.

Back in hickory, we had
a farmer, he was so compulsive...

All right, Laverne!

Hey, I thought
this didn't start till tomorrow.

All right,
what's next on the list?

- "Ambiguous chain of command."
I guess he wants to see someone

officially in charge
of the place.

I suppose I can do that
for one day.

Excuse me.

Well, I-I-I just thought

that as long as there
is no real boss...

What do you mean
there's no real boss?

What am I?
- Chopped liver?

What?

I thought you might like
something to snack on.

Carol, please,
we're trying to settle

some very touchy problems
at the clinic.

I love touchy problems.

Okay, somebody catch me up.

Your father just appointed
himself boss of my clinic.

- Daddy.
- I did not!

Come on, doctors, now,
let's not get petty about this.

Let's settle this
the way we would back home.

- How is that?
- Name-callin' contest.

I'll start you off.

Doctor, she just called you
"chicken legs."

Now let her have it.

Laverne, I'm not gonna do this.

- Okay, she wins.
She's the boss.

Come on, look, let's just
give this guy what he wants.

Right. Let's show him we have
a clear chain of command,

and we know what we're doing.

- There you go. Alright, fine.
So now we're all agreed.

- No. I don't like this.
No good ever come from lyin'.

In fact,
I am reminded of the time

old man hogan tried
to pass his-self off

as a high-school cheerleader.

And, lord, when he did
a cartwheel

in that little skirt...

All right, Laverne.

Your notebook, you say?

This is perplexing,
very perplexing.

I'm sure I left it
here somewhere.

Maybe you left it
over on the coffee table.

- No, I don't think so.
- Yeah, you did.

I mean, that's the last place
where I saw you with it.

Well, perhaps.

Under the newsweek.

- You're right.
- Here it is.

Funny how those things
stick in your mind.

- Laverne, I...
- Hello, Mr. Withers.

Good morning, doctor.

Laverne, I made up
the duty roster

for the coming week.
- The what?

You use a duty roster?

- No!
- Yes.

Can't run a tight ship

without a battle plan,
now, can we?

- No.
- Yes.

Back in hickory,
we had a duty rooster.

A story which will go untold.

Morning, all.

Little tardy, aren't we, doctor?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I guess I-I-I am late.

The traffic was a bear and...

I know that's no excuse,

but, you know, forgive me
please, I'm sorry.

Well, I accept your apology.

You can stay a little later
and make up the time.

Okay.

I believe in being firm,
but fair.

- Yes, ma'am, that's why...
That's why you're the boss.

She's the Bo...
She's the boss.

You know, doctor, you keep
rackin' up them demerits,

and I'm gonna be a shoo-in
for employee of the month.

Harry, since you weren't here,

you might want to check
the duty roster.

Yeah.

Of course, the... that...
The... the duty roster.

All right,
everybody get to work.

All right, miss Todd,
let's get to work.

Straighten this place up.

Make some coffee.

That'll be all.

I'm second in command.

Laverne, why didn't
you tell me my mother called?

- Couldn't.
It wasn't on the duty roster.

- Thank you. Come on.
All right.

- Another one!
- How many patients is that today?

- Golly, I don't know.
Miss Todd?

I don't know. 30?

- Attaboy, Harry.
That's two more than me.

Hey, you're edgin' me out
for employee of the month.

Damn, I really had my heart set

on that special parkin' space.

Well, I think
that about wraps it up.

Now it's back to Washington
to file my report.

And the Grant?

I see no reason to keep you
in suspense any longer.

I'm turning you down.

You mind tellin' us why?

The fact is, I don't think
this place has a future.

You run this place
like a dictator.

And, you...

You're a jellyfish.

And all you care about
is employee of the month.

There's 12 months
and 2 employees.

You've got to win
once in a while.

I must say, yesterday
you nearly had me fooled.

- Yesterday?
- Yes.

I was impressed
by your informality...

No egos, no bosses,

taking the time to be personally
involved with your patients.

My hickory stories?

That was
a particularly nice touch.

But now I see it was just an act
for my benefit.

Sorry it didn't work out.

On the other hand, maybe
we shouldn't read his notebook.

You know...

I love Michelangelo.

For my money,
he's the coolest ninja turtle.

I wonder
where my grandmother is.

She should've been here by now.

Perhaps she have an accident?

Boy, I hope so.

Hate to think she forgot.

Hey, you seen this one?

Why, no, papa geppetto.
What makes you think I'm lying?

What did he say?

He said he likes your suit.

Thanks.

Listen, as one italiano
to another,

how does that pope guy
ever expect to score

when he's always
wearin' a dress?

Charley!

Basta! we leave!

- Now!
- Something I said?

Thanks. It comes
with two pairs of pants.

Papa, papa...

Miss Todd!

- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- No, come in.

Um, I won't keep you long, I...

I just have
a confession to make.

Then I'm gonna throw myself
on your mercy and leave.

A confession?

This is really hard for me,

because usually
I'm a very honest person.

In fact, in my graduating class
back at hickory high,

I was voted least dishonest...

Also "best teeth."

Of course, that's another story.

Um, anyway, the fact
of the matter is, Mr. Withers,

the other night
when you left your notebook...

Well, the contents
was revealed, and...

- Yes, I know.
- And... and I didn't want to...

Come again?
- You read my notebook.

Then you and the two doctors put
on that ridiculous performance

at the clinic today,

because you thought
that's what I wanted to see.

But what I saw yesterday
is the way things really are.

Does that about sum it up?

They law,
how'd you know all that?

How the hell
do you think he knows?

Dr. Douglas,
what you doin' here?

Splin' my guts.

So how about it, Mr. Withers?
Do we get the Grant?

In light of what
I've heard here tonight,

I'm inclined to say yes.

All right!

It just goes to show you,

if you want your place
at the hog trough,

don't dress up like a horse.

Delightful!

Well, I wonder who that can be.

Mr. Withers, I'm here to ask
you to reconsider your decision.

Okay, you got the Grant.

So you came to me

to ask for a favor.

But when have you ever
invited me to your house

for cup of coffee?

I Grant you this favor,

but someday I will ask
for a favor in return

and you cannot refuse.

Now kiss my ring.