Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 20 - Stand by Your Man - full transcript

Now remember, before you leave,

turn the lights off,
leave the autoclave on.

X-ray machine off, voicemail on.

Lock the file cabinet.

Do not lock the desk.
We lost the key.

Laverne, we'll be fine.

I'm sure you will,
doctors, but just in case,

I have prepared
an instructional videotape.

You're just
taking off the afternoon.

We can handle this.

I'm sure you can, doctor,



but the last time
I let you two lock up

I had to come back here
at 3:00 in the morning.

But, Laverne, we did lock up.

I know.

But I couldn't sleep.
I don't trust you.

Can you just watch it
so I get some rest?

Hey, y'all.

- Mattie, you're here.
- Hey, Bernie.

How was your flight?

Well, it was touch and go.

You remember
the hendersens, don't you?

They're the heaviest family

in all of hickory.

Well,
they were all on my flight.



Needed every inch
of the runway to take off

plus a little bit
of the interstate.

Lordy.

- Anyway, I'm stavin'.
Yeah, they sat up front.

The meal cart never
made it past row six.

Wait till
you get back to my place.

I'll whip you up
a nice hot meal.

Well, I suppose
I'm gonna have to find

a nice way to thank you then.

Matthew.

- Not mine.
- Not mine.

Aw, it's me.

Not again.

I'm sure it's nothing, honey.

Dr. Miller's
coverin' for me.

- Come on, Matt.
Use the phone in the lounge.

Yeah.

So, what are you guys
doing this weekend?

Well, I have
the whole itinerary planned.

Number 1,
we go back to my house.

Number 12, I take him
to the airport on Monday.

What about numbers 2 through 11?

Doctor, a lady does not discuss

numbers 2 through 11.

I got ya.

Here's a little medical advice:

Limber up before number 5.

- Laverne...
- Mattie Kane, do not tell me.

- I'm sorry, honey.
There's nothin' I can do.

I gotta go back and treat
a case of kidney stones.

But you said Dr. Miller
was coverin' for you.

He's the one
with the kidney stones.

Well, I guess you gotta go.

Yeah.

Gotta go.
- Sure am gonna miss you.

Me too.

Matthew...

Did you change
your toothpaste or what?

- Stop it.
Now, come on, let's go.

Laverne, I'm gonna
make it up to you, I swear.

Well, that's what
this was supposed to be,

makin' up for last time.
You owe me two.

Come on.
Let's take you to the airport.

Hey, you can still
squeeze in number eight,

depending on who drives.

Hey, hey.

And number four
you can do on the phone.

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♪ One by one

♪ we fill the days

we find a thousand
different ways ♪

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Harry...
See that gorgeous cover girl?

Me, 60 years ago.

I'm not surprised, Sophia dear.

You're still a beauty.

And you're still a gullible sap.

If I had had
torpedoes like that,

I would have been
Cesar romero's fifth wife.

Come on, Harry.
I'm bored.

I can't reach anything I want.

Just a minute, Sophia.

I'm trying to find a magazine.

Whoo-hoo, ned, good afternoon.

Is the new issue
of celebrity doggies out yet?

- Yeah. Here you go.
- Thank you.

Now, look.

There's
a new poster for your room.

Yes.

Hey, Harry.

I think she stole your mutt.

Wow, that's really something.

Hi, excuse me.

My dog looks
very much like yours.

Like my what?

Your dog.

Well,
what a pretty... guy?

- No.
- A gal.

Lady rubius of atwater downs.

Or, as us
plain folk call her, Ruby.

Well, the resemblance
to my dreyfuss is amazing.

Really?

You know, I thought
Ruby was one of a kind.

Get those two together,
you'll have seven of a kind.

- You know, Scotty...
That's my grandson...

Has been saying,
"I want a puppy."

Are you sure he's not
saying, "I want a daddy"?

Hi, I'm Harry Weston.

Nice to meet you.

Peggy prockett.

Well, I don't mean to sound
forward or anything like that,

but is there any chance
you would consider...

Mating?

Well...

That's very flattering,

but I'm spoken for.

No, not you.

Well, I mean not that
you're not a lovely lady,

but it's...
- I know, I know.

I was just
yanking on your leash.

Well, I mean, if you saw
these two dogs together,

you'd be surprised
how much they look alike.

Look, here's my card.

If you're interested,
you know, give me a call.

Well, this
really is quite sudden.

I'll have to think about it.

But in any event,
it was very nice meeting you.

My pleasure.

Come on, Ruby.

A doctor's dog.

Ruby, my dear,
you could do a lot worse.

Hey, I hope she calls.

Wouldn't it be great
if I got those two together?

You know, Harry, there are
people who make good money

doing what you just did.

Well, I wouldn't
call myself a breeder.

Neither would I.

I'd call you a pimp.

Charley, I don't care.

You are not sick.
I'm not gonna write a note

to your captain
to get you out of work.

But, Harry, I don't wanna go.

It's just a safety cruise.

And I know what to do
if the ship is sinking.

Just put on a dress
and get in the lifeboat.

Forget it.

- Come on, Harry.
I already wrote the note.

All you gotta do is sign it.

"To whom this may concern,

Charley is sick
and cannot come to..."

You crossed out "school"
and wrote "boat"?

- All right.
Well, tell him I called.

Again.

Still can't reach Matt?

Yesterday when he called,
I's at the lab.

When I called him back,
he's in surgery.

When when I finally
got home last night,

there was a red light blinkin'
on my answerin' machine.

"You missed his call,
you missed his call,

you missed his call."

Yours mocks you?

Mine just
flashes a little number.

Dr. Douglas, sometimes
I wonder what good it is

bein' so in love with somebody

when you never get to see him,

never get to talk to him...

Laverne, you're
making yourself miserable.

Look, you don't see me

sitting around
feeling sorry for myself

just because
I don't have any plans.

I'm going home to heat up
some leftover taco bell.

Sit in the dark and...

God.
Come on, Laverne.

We're goin' out.

Hey, Charley.
What are you doing tonight?

Practicing Harry's signature.

Well, while you're at it,
bring his credit card.

You're coming with us.

- Cool.
I'll call my bud, bud.

We'll make it a party.

Doctor, I really don't know

'cause I told Matt
I'd be home tonight.

So, leave him a message
and tell him you're not.

Maxine, you're a doctor.

Maybe while we're out,

you can find
something wrong with me.

Yeah.

♪ La la la la la

♪ la la la la la

boy, Charley's
really beltin' out.

Yeah, if he doesn't stop soon,

I'm gonna belt him.

You know, I wish he'd sing tenor

10 or 12 miles away from here.

Come on, Laverne.
Cheer up.

I'm workin' here.

You really think she's funny?

- No.
Just bein' polite.

Hey, this place is great.

Come on, Maxine.
Let's go pick out a duet.

Sure.

- I know.
We can do ebony and ivory.

Get real.

Hey, Laverne. Why don't you
get up there and sing something?

Are you kiddin'?

When I sing it sounds like
a 350 Chevy that threw a rod.

I know what you mean.

When I sing it sounds like
a busted intake valve.

With the blown head gasket?

You've heard me.

It sounds like you know
a thing or two about cars.

Well, I hope I do.

I'm the pit crew chief
for Bob Mason junior.

Madman Mason?

The 39th
fastest man in the world?

Say, I heard he got
his ear burnt off.

- Yeah, but...
It wasn't from racin'.

Curling iron.

But you didn't
hear that from me.

Wow.

Pit crew...

I tell you,
that would be my dream job.

Well, it ain't what
it's all cracked up to be.

I mean, most of it
is just hurry up and wait

and hurry up and wait.

And probably a lot of this:

Who says
white people ain't got soul?

All right, dreyfuss.

Let's spruce you up
for your big date.

Come on, come on.

Get up.
Come on. Sit up.

- Daddy, he's really tired.
- From what?

Well, Scotty and I
took him to the park

and we spent
all afternoon playing fetch.

Carol, how could you do that?

You know that lady's coming over
with her dog tonight.

- So?
- So,

if everything goes well,
she'll let dreyfuss...

You know, with her dog.

What, daddy?

Carol, you know.

Make... make puppies.

Daddy, you can say
"mate" in front of me.

Come on.
It's easy.

Mate, mate, mate, mate.
- Enough, enough, enough.

I mean, look at him.
He looks half-dead.

She'll just think
he's playing hard to get.

Looks like he's playing
hard to resuscitate.

Yeah, dreyf.
Save your energy.

I'll get it.

Mrs. Prockett.
How are you?

Ruby, how are you doing?

Well, we're just
kind of on pins and needles.

Where's the dog of the hour?

My, what a big fluffy fellow.

Reminds me
of the reverend prockett.

That would be my mister.

Come on, dreyfuss,
we'll go out in the backyard

and give Ruby the grand tour.

Whoa.

My, dreyfuss certainly
has a beautiful sister.

I'll be sure to tell her.

So, what do you think?

I mean, dreyfuss and Ruby really
seem to be hitting it off.

Yes, they do me
a handsome couple.

They do.

I bet they'd make
some cute little ones.

Very cute.

I wonder what
they're talking about out there.

Who?

Well, the parents-to-be,
of course.

We have to pick out some names.

Now, I've jotted down a few.

Let me just run them by you.

Elton, Cooper,

Chelsea, Kayla,

Brendon, and spot.

They sound fine.

And it would be alright with you

if we split the cost
of the birth announcements?

Excuse me?

Well, I think that's only fair

seeing as how
we're going to be in-laws now.

We're presbyterian.

What are you?

I'm... a little confused.

I mean, you know,
we're talking about dogs here.

Well, that seems a bit cavalier.

I mean, after all,

we're bringing seven to ten
new lives into this world.

- Yes, but they...
They're dogs.

Whose mouths are
cleaner, than humans.

And never a one
has started a war.

- Daddy, the dogs got out.
- What?

My my god, Ruby.

They... they jumped the fence.

They've eloped.

- Eloped?
They're dogs!

- Hey, Dr. Douglas.
I wanna thank you

for draggin' me out last night.

I ended up havin'
one hell of a time.

Yeah, well, I have
one hell of a headache.

- Why?
D'you drink too much?

No, you sang too much.

Yeah, me and bud sang every
car song we could think up.

Plus purple people eater.

Now, I love a song
with a good story.

Yeah, well, you two did
seem pretty chummy up there.

Yeah, he's a nice fellow.

Do you know he is the chief
of a real life Nascar pit crew?

We stopped for gas.

We was in and out in 22 seconds.

Well, I'm glad
you had a good time.

Yeah, and when I got home,

there was a message
on my machine from my Mattie.

- Yeah?
Well, when I got home,

my cat had buried
the remote in the litter box.

Hey, ladies, guess what?

Bud got us three pit passes

for the south Florida 500
this weekend.

My lord.

Al unser junior
is supposed to be there.

Matt is comin' in on Friday,

do you think bud
can get another pass?

Laverne, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Bud's kinda
got the hots for you.

Tone-deaf love.

Come on, Charley.

Me and bud
just had fun, that's all.

Laverne, let me tell you
something about guys and fun.

Guys don't have fun unless
they got the hots for ya.

Well, I'm afraid
I already have a Beau.

Canal street clinic.

Hi, Mattie,
I got your message last night.

I can't wait to see you.

Again?

Yeah, well, I understand,

but I don't have to like it.

Matt, I can't get
a flight out now.

Yeah, well, I'm...
I'm sorry too.

You okay, Laverne?

Fine.

Matt can't come last weekend,

or next weekend,
or this weekend.

The only one gettin' anything
out of this relationship

is the phone company.

Well, at least now
you can join us in the pits.

- I might as well.
I'm already there.

Dreyffy.

It's so good to have you back.

You sweet, sweet, dreyffy.

Bad dog.

Bad, bad dog.

Carol, Carol, we already did
the bad dog thing in the car.

Dreyffy feels bad enough.

Bad dog.

Did you get a hold
of Mrs. Prockett?

I didn't have to.

The woman's been
calling every five minutes.

Daddy, she's weird.
- Yes, I know.

But you really can't blame her.

She's worried about her dog.

Daddy, today
she brought over a psychic.

He sniffed me.

Anyway...

Sophia,
I'm just glad you found them.

I wonder why
they ended up at shady pines.

Everyone ends up at shady pines.

Ciao.

Wait, wait, Sophia.

Don't you want a ride home?

- What are you, deaf?
I want some chow.

All right.

Hi, Mrs. Prockett.

My baby.

Away for mommy
and daddy all night long

roaming the streets
with this hooligan.

- Hooligan?
Excuse me, but...

Did it ever occur to you
that maybe it was Ruby

who jumped the fence first,
and dreyfuss went along

just to make sure
she didn't get in any trouble?

Like the gentleman he is.

A gentleman rogue.

Anyway, look, I got
the dogs home safe and sound.

You could thank me.

It will be a cold day

in h-e double hockey sticks
before I thank you.

After the ordeal
you've put us through...

Ruby, come on.
I said come on, Ruby.

We're not marrying
into this family.

Poor dreyfuss.

His heart is broken.

They yearn for each other,

yet their families
cannot get along.

It's so Romeo and Juliet.

Carol, they're dogs.

Hey, Laverne,
we're off to the races.

Charley, I'm afraid I can't go.

I'd be goin'
for all the wrong reasons.

Don't feel bad about that.

Everybody goes
to see people crash.

Besides, bud really likes you.

Well, Charley,
he's a nice fellow and all,

but I'd only be leadin' him on.

Nuh. You'd also
be getting back at Matt.

I would never go out
with anybody just for spite.

- Why not?
Chicks go out with me

all the time to spite people.

Their husbands, their fathers,

themselves...

Come on, Laverne.

You can't just
sit here and be sad.

That's
mighty sweet of you, Charley,

but I'll be okay.

Okay, Laverne.

Take care.
- Thanks.

Laverne, I don't know
quite how to say this.

I was kinda
counting on your gas money.

That's okay.
You can pay me later.

Be home, be home, be home.

Be home.

Of course, you're not home.

Hi, it's me.

Um, I really wish you were there

'cause I really
need to talk to you, Matt.

You and me
have a big problem so...

Please call me
as soon as you can.

How 'bout now?

Matt.

Matt, I'm so glad you're here.

But you and me, we need to talk

'cause this ain't
no way to have a relationship.

We never see each other.

I know.

I mean, you're
all I ever think about,

and you're so busy there,
and I'm so busy here,

we can just never get together,

and I love you so much, Matt.

It's just
makin' me really miserable.

It's makin' me miserable, too.

I'm afraid it's got to end.

Yeah.

I guess so.

So...

That's why I got you this.

What is this?

Most of next year's salary.

Laverne...

Will you marry me?

Mattie, yes.

- Hell Dr. Weston.
Remember me?

- Yeah.
- Mrs., krovitz.

Prockett.

- Yes. Sure.
- It's... it's been a while.

It's been three months.

So, how's, Rudy?

Ruby.

And for starters,
she has lost her figure.

I... I don't understand.

Well, a deal is a deal.

Here you are.

What a sweetie.

Look at him.
Boy, look at this.

Dryffy...
Look...

You're a daddy.
Look at him.

- And you owe me 1,500 bucks.
- For what?

Vet bills, birth announcements,

and psychological counseling.

For Ruby?

No, for me.

I'm far too young
to be a grandmother.

♪ On a horse with no name...

♪ ...la la la la la

♪ la la la la la

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