Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Ex-Files - full transcript
- Hi, Carol.
- Hi, Sophia.
Thank you for babysitting.
"Thank you"
don't fit in my wallet, babe.
So what movie are you gonna see?
Bergman's seventh seal.
It's about a man
playing chess with death.
Sounds like
the rec room at shady pines.
Hey, Sophia.
Hey, honey, we better get going.
We're gonna be late.
Just let me grab
a soda for the road.
Anybody else want a...
Whoa.
Carol, how old
is this Chinese food?
We'll clean out
the fridge when we get back.
Come on, daddy.
If we get there early,
we can sit
in the darkened the theater
and prepare ourselves
to experience the desolation
of bergman's cinematic angst.
Yeah, and then we can go
for ice cream.
Carol, I forgot to tell you.
Right after the movie
I have to leave,
- I have to meet my ex-wife.
- Here it comes.
Sophia, don't be silly.
I'm sure it's of no consequence.
You're leaving me, aren't you?
- Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol.
Honey, it's nothing, really.
Julie and I are selling
our beach house,
and I just have to meet
to sign the listing papers.
I was gonna ask you
to come along.
I just thought
it might make you uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable?
Are you kidding?
I'd love to tag along.
Carol, where are you going?
- I-I left something upstairs.
- What?
Just my makeup
and a low-cut dress.
- Carol!
- Carol, don't do this, please.
Honey, you look terrific.
Kevin, thank you.
You always know what to say
to put my mind at ease.
I'll meet you at the movie.
What about the angst of bergman?
I've seen it before.
Rook takes pawn,
knight takes queen,
blah blah blah, checkmate.
I'm not sure that
I'm really up for bergman here.
Don't worry, Harry.
In five minutes,
she'll be so into it,
we can sneak out to the lobby
and play video combat.
You have any quarters?
- A whole roll.
- All right.
Hey.
What's the haps, "oldilocks"?
Charley,
I'm so glad you're here.
- Why?
- So I can do this.
Don't ever
call me "oldilocks" again.
Whoa.
I know what to do with this.
♪ Life goes on
♪ and so do we
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need
♪ rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
- I'm sorry, Carol.
I guess Julie's running late.
That's okay.
Some people are like that.
Me...
I'm punctual, prompt,
exact down to the last second.
I'm like an Italian train.
Carol would you relax?
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
Julie's a very sweet girl.
- Honey, I know.
- You're right.
I'm making way too big a deal
out of this.
I just... I want to make
a good impression.
You will.
- Hi, Kevin. Sorry I'm late.
- No problem.
Julie,
i-I'd like you to meet Carol.
Hi. It's really
nice to meet you.
Carol...
It's nice
to finally meet you, Carol.
Kevin's talked
about you so much,
I feel I practically know you.
You and Kevin talk about me?
How nice.
So...
Jule, how's...
How's work going?
- Great.
- Ever since I won that Grant,
my research team's been doing
some fascinating work.
Jule's an astrophysicist.
Isn't that nice, jule?
You know, I've been
thinking about doing a piece
on the aerospace biz.
Carol's a journalist.
- Senior reporter.
- Really? Which paper?
Which paper?
Is there any other?
The Miami herald.
No, a different one.
So you two are selling
the old beach house?
Right. Did you bring
those listing papers to sign?
- Yeah, sure.
- They're right here.
Just sign right next
to where I signed,
and the house is on the market.
I'm really gonna miss
that old place.
Me too.
Carol, it was so funny.
When we first moved in,
we thought it was a nude beach.
We sure surprised those folks
at the church clambake.
I can't believe
we tried to convince them
we were Adam and Eve.
We really had
some great times there.
Yeah, we did.
Well, we all
have to move on sometime.
It is beautiful up there, Carol.
How about
we drive up this weekend?
It might be our last chance.
- It's worth the trip.
I-I'd love to go
this weekend, but I can't.
I've got to cover that story
for the paper...
Big story, probably front page.
Get this, jule.
This weekend they're making
the world's largest omelet.
Great.
- Hi, sweetheart.
How was coffee?
Daddy, you should have seen
this woman.
She was so brilliant
and beautiful,
she made me feel
like a big, stupid lump.
Carol, I will not let you
put yourself down like this.
You are very pretty
and very smart.
- Do you really think so, daddy?
- Absolutely.
Come on, I'm sure you're blowing
this whole thing out of proportion.
It's not like she's some...
Rocket scientist.
She is a rocket scientist.
Daddy,
how can I compete with that?
- Honey. Don't...
- Come on, now, Kevin loves you.
But how can he not want
to be with her?
She's perfect.
If she'd have me, I'd take her.
Carol, stop it.
Stop.
You overthink everything.
Then you have to talk about it.
And you know who you talk to?
Me!
Honey, I beg of you,
don't... don't do this to us.
You're right, daddy.
It's true. I do.
I overthink everything.
I'm always analyzing,
dissecting, questioning,
but daddy, why do I have
to question everything?
Why, daddy?
Why?
I-I-I don't know.
Look, honey, listen to me.
You're in a nice, stable,
healthy relationship right now.
Maybe this is a time to break
some... some old patterns.
- You know what?
You're right, daddy.
You're absolutely right.
From now on,
I will be the new Carol.
I've got to cleanse myself.
I need...
I need an emotional loofah
to scrub away
my old insecurities.
Just don't... don't clog
the drain, dear.
Charley, what's wrong?
Harry, my stomach is killing me.
- Come here.
- Come on, come on, sit down.
Come on. All right, now...
All right, now, tell me... tell me
everything you've eaten.
Well, I started
with breast milk,
then strained peas.
No, Charley, Charley,
start from now
and work backwards.
Well, I ate some Chinese food.
You mean
that stuff in our fridge?
I ate the green spare ribs,
and they were gnarly.
But an hour later,
I was hungry again,
so I ate the fuzzy shrimp.
Charley, come here.
I think you may
have food poisoning.
Come on, I'll... I'll drive you
to the hospital.
- God.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
We'll take your car.
Charley, I'm really sorry
you got sick,
and I hope you learn
something from all of this.
Yeah.
It's much easier
to throw up beer.
I cannot believe
you made us come here
on the way to lunch.
Charley, you just can't eat
everything you see.
Sort of reminds me
of the thurman nugget story.
You want to get this one, Harry?
It's my turn again.
All right, so...
So, Laverne, do tell.
What happened
to old thurman nugget?
Well, back in hickory,
thurman was known
as the human vacuum.
He'd eat anything...
Plants, trees, beer bottles.
Once he even ate
a buick skylark piece by piece
just to win a bet.
What did he win?
A buick skylark.
He was on that
hickory game show,
it's yours if you can eat it.
Laverne.
Well, if I'd said
he ate a sandwich,
it wouldn't have been
much of a story, now, would it?
Anyway, Charley, you really
should be more careful.
- Don't worry, Harry.
From now on, I'm treating
my body like a temple.
Who ordered the extra large
with everything?
Right here, dude.
Charley...
You were sick all night.
- I know.
My stomach's empty.
I'm starving.
Charley,
as a medical professional,
I cannot stand here
and allow you to eat this.
Maxine's right.
- Pineapple?
I hate pineapple.
Maxine.
- Yeah, you're right.
I can pick 'em off.
- Anyway, you... you...
You try to get some rest.
See you later, Charley.
Hello, der Wienerschnitzel?
Do you der-liver?
"I will honor my baldness
because
it makes me more virile."
Wrong chapter.
I am leaping over the barriers
of my emotional xanadu.
- Hi, Carol.
- Kevin.
You're early.
I'm not ready yet.
But that's okay,
because I am the kind of person
who rises
above the muck of life.
That's a good thing, sweetie,
'cause I have
to cancel our date.
Julie accepted a bid
on the beach house
and wants me to meet her
up there to sign the papers.
So you're
canceling our movie date
to spend the weekend
at your romantic beach house
with your ex-wife?
Carol, what
are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say...
Thank you...
For trusting me enough
to know that
I would be okay with that.
Well, I'd love
to have you join us.
Why don't you just pack a bag
and hop in the car with me?
Honey, I can't just go
running off for the weekend.
I need a sitter for Scotty.
Plus, I have to cover
the omelet story.
Burt Reynolds is supposed
to throw out the first egg.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
The omelet...
I completely forgot.
Of course you can't go.
Look, I understand.
I got to get going.
Are you sure
you're okay with this?
- Of course.
Go. Have a good time.
Okay.
Then, I'll see you
when I get back.
- Yeah.
Really, I'm fine.
It's no big deal.
"I must trust those whom I love
and love
those whom trust."
It's easy to be a reporter.
You just go to the stadium
and write down
all the ingredients.
How many eggs,
what kinds of cheese...
Screw the omelet.
When do I get to meet
Burt Reynolds?
Sophia, I need you
to get this story.
Now, it's simple.
Just remember the five "w" s...
Who, what, when, where, and why.
- Okay, Burt.
Who are you sleeping with?
What do you see in her?
When are you gonna dump her?
And why don't you
answer my letters?
You forgot the "where."
- Yeah.
- Where's the 50 bucks
for covering
this stupid egg story?
Earn it.
Daddy, thank you for taking care
of Scotty for me.
Honey, Carol, listen,
I-I have to be honest with you.
I think your driving up
to Kevin's beach house
is a bad idea.
Daddy, I have to go up there.
I don't know what I'm gonna
find when I get there.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I don't know what I'm gonna say.
Maybe I'll know
when I get there.
Maybe I won't.
I just don't know.
Well, as long
as you know what you're doing.
Honey, honey, honey, honey,
what happened to the new Carol?
The old Carol sent her packing.
I'm back.
I'm paranoid, and I'm proud.
Please, doctors, they need
a decision immediately.
- I-I don't...
I just don't know.
Maxine, what's your opinion?
- No.
- I'm sorry.
After what happened last time,
you're on your own.
Please, doctors,
they cannot wait any longer.
- Give me a second, Laverne.
Please, let me think.
Okay, Turkey on rye,
extra mustard.
He'll have the usual.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm looking
for Dr. Harry Weston.
You're that lawyer
from the TV commercial.
- Elmore and taggert.
- "I'm on the case."
"Elmore and taggert
got me $3.2 million
for no reason at all."
Yeah, that's me.
Here you go, doc.
- What's this?
Hey, Harry.
You want to go
for a ride in my new Lexus?
You're suing me?
Yeah.
How do you think
I can afford a new Lexus?
Ain't it great?
We're gonna be litigants, buddy.
I hope we get judge wapner.
He's tough, yet fair.
- See you in court.
Bring your wallet.
Whoa, whoa, Charley,
you let this crook
talk you into suing me?
It's not my fault you got sick.
Dr. Weston
pleads not guilty.
Well, isn't it true, doctor,
that you knew
the Chinese food had gone bad?
You knew
the food was bad, Harry?
We were gonna throw it out.
But you didn't, did you?
And were you not fully aware
that Mr. Dietz
had a well-established
history of mooching?
I'm a mooch, Harry.
Remember that time I borrowed
your attic insulation?
You have my attic insulation?
- Doctor, I'd plead the fifth.
They might have a case.
You know, Harry, you've been
complaining for years.
About getting Charley
to stop mooching.
Maybe you re trying to teach
him a lesson by poisoning him...
A lesson he'd never forget.
Come on, Maxine.
It goes to motive, Harry.
Sorry.
No more o.J. Trial for me.
Who am I kidding?
Lunch recess is over.
I got to go.
Look, Weston,
whether you like it or not,
every citizen has a right
to their day in court.
All right, fine.
All right, I-I can't stop you
from suing me.
Good-bye, Charley.
- Yeah. Bye, Harry.
I'll pick you up after work.
You can drive my new car.
No, no, Charley.
Good-bye.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to talk to you.
I don't want to be friends
with you.
But, Harry, I'm not suing you.
I'm suing your insurance company.
- No, no, you're not.
You're suing me.
You're dragging me,
your friend, into court.
He has every right to do that.
And I have every right
never to see him ever again.
Hey, you didn't tell me
he'd be mad at me.
You lied to me.
Yeah, okay, you got me.
Well, forget it.
I'm dropping the suit.
- No, no, dietz, come on.
We got him
right where we want him.
I said, "forget it."
Wuss.
All right.
What about you, Weston?
Well, I think we got
a pretty good case
against dietz here
for all the mental anguish
th his frivolous lawsuit
caused you.
Get out.
- No. No.
I am not leaving here
until I sue somebody.
Whoa.
Ambulance... got to run.
I'm sorry, Harry. I don't know
what I was thinking.
- That's all right, Charley.
- No, it's not.
I still have 119 more payments
on the Lexus.
Well, Carol Weston,
the moment of truth has arrived.
I'm strong enough to face
whatever I find in there...
I think.
I knew it!
- Carol.
- What's she doing here?
I thought you said
she was covering an omelet.
Sweetheart, close the door,
will you? It's drafty.
Kevin, how could you?
Come on, baby,
you know the score.
I'm a fella.
She's a dame.
I mean, look at her.
Who can resist her?
She's a looker.
She's got brains.
And she can simulate fusion
in zero gravity.
Who can beat that?
Speaking of beating it,
why don't you, sister?
Don't let the door hit you
on the way out.
No. You're not
getting off that easy.
Right. What are
you gonna do about it?
Carol, honey,
take it easy, will ya?
She ain't got the nerve
to use that thing.
- You're wrong.
I got the nerve, I tell ya.
I got the nerve
and the inclination.
I won't play the sap for you.
You should have found
yourselves another sucker.
What am I doing?
Daddy was right.
I must be crazy.
I should trust Kevin
because he's a man...
And men are dogs.
I'm going in.
Aha!
I knew it.
I knew I'd find you two
doing important paperwork.
Carry on.
- Carol, what's going on?
Nothing. I-I-I was just
in the neighborhood,
fishing...
You know, for... for fish,
the big fish.
- Fishing?
- Yeah.
But I ran out of the stuff
that you catch the fish with.
- Bait?
- Yeah.
That's it.
I'm... I'm out of that.
Do you have any?
Come on, Carol,
you're here because you think
there's still something going on
between me and Julie.
- Wait.
Let me guess.
You thought you'd burst in here
and find us naked in bed.
What's with you?
Insecure much?
Jeez, you're pathetic.
What do you see in her?
I was wondering that myself.
Carol?
Kevin.
- What are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- Everything's fine.
I-I changed my mind
and decided to join
you and Julie for the weekend.
Great.
Boy, you made good time.
You beat me.
Well, yes,
I was anxious to get up here
for the fishing.
- The what?
- Nothing.
- Let me get your suitcase.
- I forgot it.
No problem. I'll just drive
back to Miami and get it.
- Carol, wait a second.
What's going on?
- Kevin.
- I feel like such a fool.
I'm here because I was jealous.
I kept having
these insane hallucinations
about finding you and Julie
in bed together.
Carol, you got nothing
to worry about.
I'm not interested in Julie.
I love you.
I know.
I love you too.
Listen, I'm glad you're here.
We're gonna have
a great weekend together.
Okay.
Julie?
Kevin?
I have a surprise for you.
Just like old times.
- I'm hallucinating again.
- I think I am too.
My god, Carol.
Kevin, I'm so embarrassed.
- Sweetie, I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, honey.
What's important
is that we love each other,
and we trust each other.
And when these kinds of things
come up in our relationship,
we handle them maturely.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go up there
and show that
pointy headed little tramp
what orbit feels like.
Carol, she's a black belt.
On the other hand, she's
probably embarrassed enough.
Look, I-I know I'm a little late
with the car payments,
but I've been in the hospital.
Can't you cut me a break?
As a representative
of Ed's bank,
I can do both.
I can cut you,
and I can break you.
Now hand over the keys.
- I can't.
I swallowed them.
Then, this is gonna hurt
a little.
Here.
- Hi, Sophia.
Thank you for babysitting.
"Thank you"
don't fit in my wallet, babe.
So what movie are you gonna see?
Bergman's seventh seal.
It's about a man
playing chess with death.
Sounds like
the rec room at shady pines.
Hey, Sophia.
Hey, honey, we better get going.
We're gonna be late.
Just let me grab
a soda for the road.
Anybody else want a...
Whoa.
Carol, how old
is this Chinese food?
We'll clean out
the fridge when we get back.
Come on, daddy.
If we get there early,
we can sit
in the darkened the theater
and prepare ourselves
to experience the desolation
of bergman's cinematic angst.
Yeah, and then we can go
for ice cream.
Carol, I forgot to tell you.
Right after the movie
I have to leave,
- I have to meet my ex-wife.
- Here it comes.
Sophia, don't be silly.
I'm sure it's of no consequence.
You're leaving me, aren't you?
- Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol.
Honey, it's nothing, really.
Julie and I are selling
our beach house,
and I just have to meet
to sign the listing papers.
I was gonna ask you
to come along.
I just thought
it might make you uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable?
Are you kidding?
I'd love to tag along.
Carol, where are you going?
- I-I left something upstairs.
- What?
Just my makeup
and a low-cut dress.
- Carol!
- Carol, don't do this, please.
Honey, you look terrific.
Kevin, thank you.
You always know what to say
to put my mind at ease.
I'll meet you at the movie.
What about the angst of bergman?
I've seen it before.
Rook takes pawn,
knight takes queen,
blah blah blah, checkmate.
I'm not sure that
I'm really up for bergman here.
Don't worry, Harry.
In five minutes,
she'll be so into it,
we can sneak out to the lobby
and play video combat.
You have any quarters?
- A whole roll.
- All right.
Hey.
What's the haps, "oldilocks"?
Charley,
I'm so glad you're here.
- Why?
- So I can do this.
Don't ever
call me "oldilocks" again.
Whoa.
I know what to do with this.
♪ Life goes on
♪ and so do we
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need
♪ rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
- I'm sorry, Carol.
I guess Julie's running late.
That's okay.
Some people are like that.
Me...
I'm punctual, prompt,
exact down to the last second.
I'm like an Italian train.
Carol would you relax?
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
Julie's a very sweet girl.
- Honey, I know.
- You're right.
I'm making way too big a deal
out of this.
I just... I want to make
a good impression.
You will.
- Hi, Kevin. Sorry I'm late.
- No problem.
Julie,
i-I'd like you to meet Carol.
Hi. It's really
nice to meet you.
Carol...
It's nice
to finally meet you, Carol.
Kevin's talked
about you so much,
I feel I practically know you.
You and Kevin talk about me?
How nice.
So...
Jule, how's...
How's work going?
- Great.
- Ever since I won that Grant,
my research team's been doing
some fascinating work.
Jule's an astrophysicist.
Isn't that nice, jule?
You know, I've been
thinking about doing a piece
on the aerospace biz.
Carol's a journalist.
- Senior reporter.
- Really? Which paper?
Which paper?
Is there any other?
The Miami herald.
No, a different one.
So you two are selling
the old beach house?
Right. Did you bring
those listing papers to sign?
- Yeah, sure.
- They're right here.
Just sign right next
to where I signed,
and the house is on the market.
I'm really gonna miss
that old place.
Me too.
Carol, it was so funny.
When we first moved in,
we thought it was a nude beach.
We sure surprised those folks
at the church clambake.
I can't believe
we tried to convince them
we were Adam and Eve.
We really had
some great times there.
Yeah, we did.
Well, we all
have to move on sometime.
It is beautiful up there, Carol.
How about
we drive up this weekend?
It might be our last chance.
- It's worth the trip.
I-I'd love to go
this weekend, but I can't.
I've got to cover that story
for the paper...
Big story, probably front page.
Get this, jule.
This weekend they're making
the world's largest omelet.
Great.
- Hi, sweetheart.
How was coffee?
Daddy, you should have seen
this woman.
She was so brilliant
and beautiful,
she made me feel
like a big, stupid lump.
Carol, I will not let you
put yourself down like this.
You are very pretty
and very smart.
- Do you really think so, daddy?
- Absolutely.
Come on, I'm sure you're blowing
this whole thing out of proportion.
It's not like she's some...
Rocket scientist.
She is a rocket scientist.
Daddy,
how can I compete with that?
- Honey. Don't...
- Come on, now, Kevin loves you.
But how can he not want
to be with her?
She's perfect.
If she'd have me, I'd take her.
Carol, stop it.
Stop.
You overthink everything.
Then you have to talk about it.
And you know who you talk to?
Me!
Honey, I beg of you,
don't... don't do this to us.
You're right, daddy.
It's true. I do.
I overthink everything.
I'm always analyzing,
dissecting, questioning,
but daddy, why do I have
to question everything?
Why, daddy?
Why?
I-I-I don't know.
Look, honey, listen to me.
You're in a nice, stable,
healthy relationship right now.
Maybe this is a time to break
some... some old patterns.
- You know what?
You're right, daddy.
You're absolutely right.
From now on,
I will be the new Carol.
I've got to cleanse myself.
I need...
I need an emotional loofah
to scrub away
my old insecurities.
Just don't... don't clog
the drain, dear.
Charley, what's wrong?
Harry, my stomach is killing me.
- Come here.
- Come on, come on, sit down.
Come on. All right, now...
All right, now, tell me... tell me
everything you've eaten.
Well, I started
with breast milk,
then strained peas.
No, Charley, Charley,
start from now
and work backwards.
Well, I ate some Chinese food.
You mean
that stuff in our fridge?
I ate the green spare ribs,
and they were gnarly.
But an hour later,
I was hungry again,
so I ate the fuzzy shrimp.
Charley, come here.
I think you may
have food poisoning.
Come on, I'll... I'll drive you
to the hospital.
- God.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
We'll take your car.
Charley, I'm really sorry
you got sick,
and I hope you learn
something from all of this.
Yeah.
It's much easier
to throw up beer.
I cannot believe
you made us come here
on the way to lunch.
Charley, you just can't eat
everything you see.
Sort of reminds me
of the thurman nugget story.
You want to get this one, Harry?
It's my turn again.
All right, so...
So, Laverne, do tell.
What happened
to old thurman nugget?
Well, back in hickory,
thurman was known
as the human vacuum.
He'd eat anything...
Plants, trees, beer bottles.
Once he even ate
a buick skylark piece by piece
just to win a bet.
What did he win?
A buick skylark.
He was on that
hickory game show,
it's yours if you can eat it.
Laverne.
Well, if I'd said
he ate a sandwich,
it wouldn't have been
much of a story, now, would it?
Anyway, Charley, you really
should be more careful.
- Don't worry, Harry.
From now on, I'm treating
my body like a temple.
Who ordered the extra large
with everything?
Right here, dude.
Charley...
You were sick all night.
- I know.
My stomach's empty.
I'm starving.
Charley,
as a medical professional,
I cannot stand here
and allow you to eat this.
Maxine's right.
- Pineapple?
I hate pineapple.
Maxine.
- Yeah, you're right.
I can pick 'em off.
- Anyway, you... you...
You try to get some rest.
See you later, Charley.
Hello, der Wienerschnitzel?
Do you der-liver?
"I will honor my baldness
because
it makes me more virile."
Wrong chapter.
I am leaping over the barriers
of my emotional xanadu.
- Hi, Carol.
- Kevin.
You're early.
I'm not ready yet.
But that's okay,
because I am the kind of person
who rises
above the muck of life.
That's a good thing, sweetie,
'cause I have
to cancel our date.
Julie accepted a bid
on the beach house
and wants me to meet her
up there to sign the papers.
So you're
canceling our movie date
to spend the weekend
at your romantic beach house
with your ex-wife?
Carol, what
are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say...
Thank you...
For trusting me enough
to know that
I would be okay with that.
Well, I'd love
to have you join us.
Why don't you just pack a bag
and hop in the car with me?
Honey, I can't just go
running off for the weekend.
I need a sitter for Scotty.
Plus, I have to cover
the omelet story.
Burt Reynolds is supposed
to throw out the first egg.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
The omelet...
I completely forgot.
Of course you can't go.
Look, I understand.
I got to get going.
Are you sure
you're okay with this?
- Of course.
Go. Have a good time.
Okay.
Then, I'll see you
when I get back.
- Yeah.
Really, I'm fine.
It's no big deal.
"I must trust those whom I love
and love
those whom trust."
It's easy to be a reporter.
You just go to the stadium
and write down
all the ingredients.
How many eggs,
what kinds of cheese...
Screw the omelet.
When do I get to meet
Burt Reynolds?
Sophia, I need you
to get this story.
Now, it's simple.
Just remember the five "w" s...
Who, what, when, where, and why.
- Okay, Burt.
Who are you sleeping with?
What do you see in her?
When are you gonna dump her?
And why don't you
answer my letters?
You forgot the "where."
- Yeah.
- Where's the 50 bucks
for covering
this stupid egg story?
Earn it.
Daddy, thank you for taking care
of Scotty for me.
Honey, Carol, listen,
I-I have to be honest with you.
I think your driving up
to Kevin's beach house
is a bad idea.
Daddy, I have to go up there.
I don't know what I'm gonna
find when I get there.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I don't know what I'm gonna say.
Maybe I'll know
when I get there.
Maybe I won't.
I just don't know.
Well, as long
as you know what you're doing.
Honey, honey, honey, honey,
what happened to the new Carol?
The old Carol sent her packing.
I'm back.
I'm paranoid, and I'm proud.
Please, doctors, they need
a decision immediately.
- I-I don't...
I just don't know.
Maxine, what's your opinion?
- No.
- I'm sorry.
After what happened last time,
you're on your own.
Please, doctors,
they cannot wait any longer.
- Give me a second, Laverne.
Please, let me think.
Okay, Turkey on rye,
extra mustard.
He'll have the usual.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm looking
for Dr. Harry Weston.
You're that lawyer
from the TV commercial.
- Elmore and taggert.
- "I'm on the case."
"Elmore and taggert
got me $3.2 million
for no reason at all."
Yeah, that's me.
Here you go, doc.
- What's this?
Hey, Harry.
You want to go
for a ride in my new Lexus?
You're suing me?
Yeah.
How do you think
I can afford a new Lexus?
Ain't it great?
We're gonna be litigants, buddy.
I hope we get judge wapner.
He's tough, yet fair.
- See you in court.
Bring your wallet.
Whoa, whoa, Charley,
you let this crook
talk you into suing me?
It's not my fault you got sick.
Dr. Weston
pleads not guilty.
Well, isn't it true, doctor,
that you knew
the Chinese food had gone bad?
You knew
the food was bad, Harry?
We were gonna throw it out.
But you didn't, did you?
And were you not fully aware
that Mr. Dietz
had a well-established
history of mooching?
I'm a mooch, Harry.
Remember that time I borrowed
your attic insulation?
You have my attic insulation?
- Doctor, I'd plead the fifth.
They might have a case.
You know, Harry, you've been
complaining for years.
About getting Charley
to stop mooching.
Maybe you re trying to teach
him a lesson by poisoning him...
A lesson he'd never forget.
Come on, Maxine.
It goes to motive, Harry.
Sorry.
No more o.J. Trial for me.
Who am I kidding?
Lunch recess is over.
I got to go.
Look, Weston,
whether you like it or not,
every citizen has a right
to their day in court.
All right, fine.
All right, I-I can't stop you
from suing me.
Good-bye, Charley.
- Yeah. Bye, Harry.
I'll pick you up after work.
You can drive my new car.
No, no, Charley.
Good-bye.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to talk to you.
I don't want to be friends
with you.
But, Harry, I'm not suing you.
I'm suing your insurance company.
- No, no, you're not.
You're suing me.
You're dragging me,
your friend, into court.
He has every right to do that.
And I have every right
never to see him ever again.
Hey, you didn't tell me
he'd be mad at me.
You lied to me.
Yeah, okay, you got me.
Well, forget it.
I'm dropping the suit.
- No, no, dietz, come on.
We got him
right where we want him.
I said, "forget it."
Wuss.
All right.
What about you, Weston?
Well, I think we got
a pretty good case
against dietz here
for all the mental anguish
th his frivolous lawsuit
caused you.
Get out.
- No. No.
I am not leaving here
until I sue somebody.
Whoa.
Ambulance... got to run.
I'm sorry, Harry. I don't know
what I was thinking.
- That's all right, Charley.
- No, it's not.
I still have 119 more payments
on the Lexus.
Well, Carol Weston,
the moment of truth has arrived.
I'm strong enough to face
whatever I find in there...
I think.
I knew it!
- Carol.
- What's she doing here?
I thought you said
she was covering an omelet.
Sweetheart, close the door,
will you? It's drafty.
Kevin, how could you?
Come on, baby,
you know the score.
I'm a fella.
She's a dame.
I mean, look at her.
Who can resist her?
She's a looker.
She's got brains.
And she can simulate fusion
in zero gravity.
Who can beat that?
Speaking of beating it,
why don't you, sister?
Don't let the door hit you
on the way out.
No. You're not
getting off that easy.
Right. What are
you gonna do about it?
Carol, honey,
take it easy, will ya?
She ain't got the nerve
to use that thing.
- You're wrong.
I got the nerve, I tell ya.
I got the nerve
and the inclination.
I won't play the sap for you.
You should have found
yourselves another sucker.
What am I doing?
Daddy was right.
I must be crazy.
I should trust Kevin
because he's a man...
And men are dogs.
I'm going in.
Aha!
I knew it.
I knew I'd find you two
doing important paperwork.
Carry on.
- Carol, what's going on?
Nothing. I-I-I was just
in the neighborhood,
fishing...
You know, for... for fish,
the big fish.
- Fishing?
- Yeah.
But I ran out of the stuff
that you catch the fish with.
- Bait?
- Yeah.
That's it.
I'm... I'm out of that.
Do you have any?
Come on, Carol,
you're here because you think
there's still something going on
between me and Julie.
- Wait.
Let me guess.
You thought you'd burst in here
and find us naked in bed.
What's with you?
Insecure much?
Jeez, you're pathetic.
What do you see in her?
I was wondering that myself.
Carol?
Kevin.
- What are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- Everything's fine.
I-I changed my mind
and decided to join
you and Julie for the weekend.
Great.
Boy, you made good time.
You beat me.
Well, yes,
I was anxious to get up here
for the fishing.
- The what?
- Nothing.
- Let me get your suitcase.
- I forgot it.
No problem. I'll just drive
back to Miami and get it.
- Carol, wait a second.
What's going on?
- Kevin.
- I feel like such a fool.
I'm here because I was jealous.
I kept having
these insane hallucinations
about finding you and Julie
in bed together.
Carol, you got nothing
to worry about.
I'm not interested in Julie.
I love you.
I know.
I love you too.
Listen, I'm glad you're here.
We're gonna have
a great weekend together.
Okay.
Julie?
Kevin?
I have a surprise for you.
Just like old times.
- I'm hallucinating again.
- I think I am too.
My god, Carol.
Kevin, I'm so embarrassed.
- Sweetie, I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, honey.
What's important
is that we love each other,
and we trust each other.
And when these kinds of things
come up in our relationship,
we handle them maturely.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go up there
and show that
pointy headed little tramp
what orbit feels like.
Carol, she's a black belt.
On the other hand, she's
probably embarrassed enough.
Look, I-I know I'm a little late
with the car payments,
but I've been in the hospital.
Can't you cut me a break?
As a representative
of Ed's bank,
I can do both.
I can cut you,
and I can break you.
Now hand over the keys.
- I can't.
I swallowed them.
Then, this is gonna hurt
a little.
Here.