Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 24 - Lordy, Lordy, Landlordy - full transcript

I don't believe this.

We're gonna blow another fuse?

You know, just once

I'd really like
to use the toaster oven

without shorting out
the whole eastern seaboard.

This is ridiculous.

An electrician was supposed
to be here weeks ago.

Well, I called
the management company again,

but all they do
is put me on hold.

If I have to listen
to the ray conniff singers

doing hang on sloopy
one more time...



Well, enough is enough.

I'm going down there
first thing in the morning.

And I'm gonna get some action.

You give 'em hell, doctor.

And you tell them
we want new paint,

new plumbin', new electrical

and patio furniture.

Patio furniture?

First rule
of negotiations, doctor.

Always ask for more
than what you want.

Fine. And what if all
they give us is patio furniture?

Summer's comin'.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...



♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Carol.
- I got a riddle for you.

It takes me 28 steps
to get to the elevator,

but it only takes
my roommate 14. Why?

I don't know.

She only has one leg.

I've got a better one.

I fell down 17 steps,

but old lady Hudson
only fell down 3. Why?

I have no idea.

It was a different building.

Hey, sourpuss,
where's your sense of humor?

I'm sorry, Sophia,

it's just that Scotty
kept me up all night.

I'm afraid my little oedipal one
is trying to age me

so that no other man
will want me.

It's working.

Hey, look at this.

The baby wagon is having
a "get a" sale.

Isn't this clever?

Buy a pacifier, get a rattle.

Buy a blanket, get a bib.

Buy a clue, get a life.

You need some time away
from that baby.

Go out.
Get your hair done.

Get my hair done?

Sophia, I... I have
responsibilities.

I can't just drop everything
at the spur of the moment

to satisfy some petty vanity.

Why, what's wrong with my hair?

Carol, you gotta lighten up.

Really? Do you think?

I'm talking
about you and your kid.

But, Sophia, that would mean
getting a... a babysitter.

I've never left Scotty
with a stranger before.

You're exactly
like my cousin Mona.

From the minute
little alphonso was born,

she was obsessed.

She stayed with him
night and day.

Almost ruined his honeymoon.

- Bye-bye, Noelle.
Thank you.

I can't believe a bunch
of kids in an amusement park

would just attack me like that.

Well, maybe next time
you won't try cuttin' line

at Mr. Tippy's teacup ride.

You wouldn't expect
a four-year-old

could pack such a punch.

Okay, Mr. Hackler,
time for the usual questions.

Are you covered by blue cross,
blue shield, hmo, ppo,

mastercard, visa or discover?

You know, I love it
the way your mouth puckers

when you say "ppo".

I'll take that as a no.

Please sign the pink form.
- You got a pen?

Why don't you use the one
you stole when you signed in?

You know, it skips a little.

Was the operation
a success, doctor?

Yes, I removed the obstruction

and circulation
has been restored.

The sink is resting comfortably.

Morning.

Harry, how did it go
down at the management company?

Are we gonna get
the things we need or not?

- Well, I...
- Did you kick butt?

I was dealing
with an 85-year-old woman.

I mean, she reminded me

of my first grade teacher,
Mrs. Mcdivett.

I was her favorite.

But you did tell her
how upset we are.

Well, I told her
we were perturbed.

- Perturbed?
Jeez, Harry, such language!

Did she wash
your mouth out with soap?

No, she gave me
tea with honey in it.

And a... and a... and a cookie.

So you come away with squat?

No, Laverne.

He come away with squat
and a cookie.

Well then why did you send me?

I don't see you
going down there.

Well, I don't have
time for that.

I'm a doctor.
- Whoa, whoa. I'm a doctor.

Well, I've got paperwork to do.

I do your paperwork.

Well, I have
a confession to make.

I can't negotiate.

I'm nothing
but a big ol' creampuff.

You're a what?

Well, I don't know
how to haggle.

You know my '84 pinto?

I still got a year left
on the lease.

Okay, doctors.

I can see it's time
for me to take over from here.

- No, no, no, no, no.
No, Laverne.

Look, I can go back there again.

Dr. Douglas,
it's your choice.

Who would you want battlin'
at the hills of our landlord?

Laverne "the pitbull" Todd

or Harry "squat" Weston?

Laverne, kill.

- Good morning, dear.
- Hi, daddy.

Daddy, I've decided
to take Sophia's advice

and spend a day
away from the baby.

Great. Yeah. Go out.

See a movie. Do some shopping.
Get your hair done.

What is wrong with my hair?

Nothing. I just mean
it was a chance for you

to go out and do something
for yourself.

You know? That is exactly
what occurred to me today

when I was tape-recording myself

reading excerpts from my diary.

I thought, "it's time
to start thinking

about Carol for a change."

Yeah, it's about time.

Daddy, I need you
to look at this.

It's the sitter application
that I left at the agency.

- Let's see here.
"Do you like children?

"Have you worked
as a babysitter before?

"Can you find Waldo
in this happy-wacky jungle?"

This is a bit much, Carol.
You shouldn't expect...

There's Waldo,
with the red and white hat.

- No, daddy.
That's the monkey.

Then why is it wearing
Waldo's hat?

- Hey, Carol.
What you doing?

I'm looking for someone
to take care of the baby.

Ha. I knew you'd get bored
with this whole baby thing.

Charley, I'm interviewing
babysitters.

Babysitters?

What do you need a babysitter
for when you got me?

You? You don't even know
what babies eat.

I do so.

Babies eat baby...

Kibble.

Baby kibble?

Baby seed?

There's my first interview.

I remember the babysitter
I had when I was 18.

You had a babysitter
when you were 18?

I had a babysitter,
I had a cheerleader,

I had a carhop.

I had parents on vacation.

- Hello, Mrs. Griffin.
I'm Carol Weston.

- So nice to meet you, Carol.
- Please come in.

Follow me. I've just been
going over your application.

I must say I am most impressed
with your credentials.

Not to mention that you were
the only one

who spotted Waldo
among the papayas.

Hi. I'm here
about the babysitting job.

Yeah.

Right.

The newspaper made a mistake.

You want the house next door.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

My quest for the perfect sitter

may well be over.

Did you get a good look
at that man?

- I think so.
- Good.

Never let him in the house.

- You mean I'm hired?
- You're perfect.

Carol. You won't be
disappointed.

I can start right away.

Get out! Get out!

Hey.

Let me try that.

Ha, ha.

Cool.

Hey, that's
my only pencil sharpener.

Stop playing with that, Stewart.

I'll be with you in a minute.

So, how'd it go?

Like I always say,

never send a doctor
to do a nurse's job.

Our landlord's gonna
meet us here any minute.

Hey, nice going, Laverne.

Did you kick butt?

That wasn't necessary, doctor.

That sweet ol' woman
warmed up right away

when she found out
we were from the same hometown.

Goose harbor, Maine.

You told her
you were from Maine?

Ya, I'm from dere.

Now, before that bozo gets here,

let's get our demands straight.

We want to present
a united front to that bum.

We want all new plumbin'.

Make it copper.

All new wirin'
and air-conditionin'.

Make it central.

Fix the roof
and a new paint job.

Make it aztec white.

Hey, look at me.
I'm negotiatin'.

Ain't you forgettin'
one little thing, doctor.

- What?
- Patio furniture.

- Landlord trouble?
- Yeah. But not for long.

We goin' straighten out
that egg-suckin' slum lord.

That'd be me.

Although I prefer the term

"egg-sucking low income
housing entrepreneur".

What?

You own this building?

- Yeah.
You got a problem with that?

Yes, we have
a problem with that.

We want
a whole new plumbing. Copper.

Absolutely not.

Okay.

Boy, you are bad at this.

Look hackler,
that's not all we want.

- Save your breath.
I heard your demands, and

I'm willing to compromise.
- Good.

You can have my old
patio furniture half price.

You ever heard the word
"rent strike"?

- That's two words.
- Not where I come from.

And if things around here
don't change,

you ain't gon' see
a penny a rent,

and they ain't
a thing in the world

you can do about it.

Now get!

And that, doctor,
is how you handle a landlord.

My lord, he's locked us out.

So, that's how you handle
a landlord,

Laverne?

Did you reach the lawyer?

She's talkin' to the lawyer now.

She's doin' real good.
I coached her.

But we can fight the eviction.

Good.

A $25,000 retainer?

That's ridiculous.

Well, if it's standard...

Give me that.

I'll have
to call you back later.

All right. It sounds
like we can fight the eviction.

Yeah. We got
a real solid case.

- Great.
When do we go to court?

Three years from Monday.

All right. Look,
maybe I should talk to hackler.

I'll handle it.

We're gonna get back
in that clinic

if I have to
get on my knees and beg.

And why would you
want to do that?

We've got him
right where we want him.

Everything is going
according to plan.

I got his respect,
and I got his attention.

You got us evicted.

Step one.

- What's step two?
He runs us down with a truck?

Ain't you people
ever played chicken poker?

No.

First thing you do
is get yourself 52 chickens.

Laverne,
I don't want to hear this.

The point is you gotta know
the hand you're playin'.

You think it's so easy to rent
a place in that neighborhood?

Every day the clinic sits empty.

It's money out of his pocket.

- Maxine, she's...
She's got a point.

Well, as they say
in chicken poker,

"you gotta know
when to hold 'em,

know when to chop off
their heads and eat 'em."

You have played.

- Well, okay.
That should do it.

Did I mention that there are
two pre-prepared bottles

in the fridge?
- Three times.

Did I show you
where the alarm is?

Four times.

Did I show you
the first-aid kit?

Yes, you pointed that out
during the fire drill.

- You're right.
- My god!

I forgot to show you
how to work the phone.

No, no, I... I know
how to work a phone.

My uncle has one.

You know, you... you should
hurry along, miss Weston.

You don't wanna miss
that hair appointment.

What is it with my hair?

Did I mention that Wednesday's
Scotty's smashed banana day?

Today is Tuesday.

In case I'm late.

Don't worry about a thing.

Really, I've done this
a thousand times.

You just put all those concerns
out of your mind.

You're right, Danielle.

A-And I have
every confidence in you.

Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- I'm sorry, Danielle.
You're just not working out.

You know, you know
what I think, miss Weston?

I think this is the first time

you've left your baby
alone with a stranger

and you're just
the teensiest bit anxious.

- You're right.
You're right.

It's classic separation anxiety.

I'm a cliche.

Carol.

Carol.

You just...
You have to let go.

Good-bye, Scotty.

I love you.

I'll miss you.

I'll be back around 4:00!

- Hello, Mr. Hackler.
- Laverne.

May I have a word with you?

- I guess.
- Come on in.

- You live here?
- Yeah.

Kind of cozy?

- You live here?
- Yeah.

I own the building.
Just got finished redecorating.

Look, Mr. Hackler,
I think you know why I'm here.

Yeah, well, I can guess.

You've got somethin' I want.

I've got somethin' you want.

Well, if you put it that way,
it sounds good to me.

Good. Now that we both know
what we're talkin' about,

let's just get started.

I like your spirit.

Why don't we just sit down
over here?

Careful. There's a loose spring
in there somewhere.

Look, Mr. Hackler.

That takes care of foreplay.

Come on. Sit down
and say it for me.

Say what?

Ppo.

- Ppo?
- No.

The way I like it.
You know, slower, softer.

Pouty.

Ppo.

Yeah.

Why are you actin' so icky?

Baby,
you... you gotta relax.

Look...
You wanna buy a drink?

Look, Mr. Hackler,
let's just get down to business.

Now, you've got yourself

an empty store
in a bad neighborhood.

If we're not in there,

who you think
you're gonna rent it to?

Nuts-4-less.

- Nuts-4-less?
You're a-bluffin'.

Yeah?

Well, here's my bluffing lease.

You know, you played
right into my hands.

I guess you never heard
of a little game called

chicken poker.

Hey, my boy!

Hi, Sophia.
- Hi, Harry.

- Where's Scotty?
- Out with the sitter.

Great! Carol
finally got out of the house.

I'm really proud of her.

Yeah, yeah, it's
the talk of the neighborhood.

Anyway, old lady Hudson
fell down a flight of stairs.

Sophia, you... you already
told me that one.

Okay. Old lady Murphy
fell down a flight of stairs.

And?

She died.

I-I don't get it.

The woman died.

Does everything have to be
a joke to you, Harry?

So-Sophia, I'm sorry.

Dear, really, I didn't know.

I didn't understand.

Gotcha.

I'm irrepressible.
- Yeah.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hey.

So... what do you think
of my hair?

It's very, very the same.

Well, exactly, daddy.

A good haircut doesn't
scream, "hey, look at me."

It whispers,
"what's different?"

The important the thing is
that you got out.

Where'd you go?

First to Johan's
for the haircut,

then to the bookstore,
then to chez cherie for lunch.

There's my Scotty!

My little baby Scotty.

Daddy, this is Danielle.

Hi, Danielle, how are you doing?

So where did you
and my grandson go today?

First to Johan's
for the haircut,

then to the bookstore,

and then to chez cherie
for lunch.

Carol, I thought the idea
was to spend

some time away from the baby.

Well, yes, daddy,

but one has to take
these things slowly.

I went to the bathroom
by myself.

We didn't go into the stall.

Well, I'm gonna
go upstairs and change.

Okay.

Yeah.
Look at you.

Well, it's over, Harry.

Five years of my heart
and soul into this place.

All the hard work.

I must have seen
30,000 patients.

Taken 11,000 blood samples,

looked at 4,000 x-rays.

Okay, sweetie,
come on, let it out.

My god, it's over.

I'm finally free.

They law!

They law, they law!

Harry, I think she's
trying to tell us something.

Would you look at this?

- Pay no attention to them.
- They're finished.

Now we're gonna redo
the entire building

with copper plumbing.

Yeah, that ain't all
you're doin'.

New paint and new roof.

As a matter of fact, I am,
but what's that to you?

Plenty. We're gon' be
stayin' right here.

What are you talking about?

Allow me to read from your file.

Let's see.

"No dollars no cents
is the amount I am able to pay

"for services rendered.

"I, Vernon hackler,
hereby attest to this

under penalty
of perjury."

Would you say "penalty
of perjury" again?

Doctors, Mr. Hackler
has used the pink form

at this clinic since 1990.

Well, what do you know?

- Here.
Let me see it.

Big deal.

Everybody signs a pink form.

Not everybody owns property
all over Florida.

Well, it's the time to pay
the Piper, Mr. Hackler,

and you better bring cash.

'Cause the Piper
don't take pink forms

and he don't take
American express.

Well, you're never
gonna make it stick.

Nobody gets the best
of Vernon hackler.

Hey, hey, I said skip
the undercoat, skip it!

- Hey, hey, hey!
You ain't skippin' nothin'.

God, what a pleasure

to finally drink
a hot cup of coffee

with the lights on.

Yeah, ain't it's amazing
what the words

"10 to 20" will do to a fellow.

Hey, you with the putty knife,

you think spackle
grows on trees?

Ahem!

All right, all right,
spackle grows on trees.

And that, Dr. Douglas,

is how chicken poker is played.

God, Laverne's amazing.

She not only got us
new wiring, air-conditioning,

plumbing, a new paint job,

she got us six months free rent.

That's not all.