Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 23 - A Foreign Affair - full transcript

Okay. Silver bag,
silver shoes.

Black bag, silver shoes.

Black bag...
Black shoes.

Silver bag, bl...

Forget it.

Okay.

- Whoa! Ho!
Hoo hoo! You look great.

Thanks.

Have you considered

black shoes
and a black bag with that?

Don't be ridiculous.



So what kind of a high-powered
international soiree

is Roland to take you to
tonight?

His consulate
is having a cocktail party

for the Japanese trade minister.

I've been practicing.
Listen.

Hey, what's it mean?

"Can you get me a deal
on a Lexus?"

Pfft. Come on.

Your fellow's here.

He just drove up in a limo
about a block long.

Boy, I bet them suckers
got through

break pads like crazy.

Okay. I'm ready.

Now, what do I do when you
introduce me, Dr. Douglas?



Do I bow,
do I curtsey? What?

Laverne, he's not royalty.

He's just a cultural attache.

You can hold
his cultural attache case.

Harry, why don't you wait
in the men's room?

So...
is my lipstick straight?

- Look how she's fussin'.
- Ain't she cute?

My god, I'm cute.

Hey, you know what
would be nice?

If you tell me how to greet him
in his native language,

I'll make him feel
right at home.

Gee, I don't know
if you can handle it.

What is his native language?

English.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Beg your pardon.
I'm looking for Dr. Douglas.

- Hi, baby.
- Darling!

You look beautiful.

So do you.

Roland Powell, like you to meet

my partners in crime.

- Don't tell me.
This must be Laverne.

Why, yes. How did you know?

I had a strong hunch
you weren't Harry.

And you're every bit as lovely

as Maxine described you.

He's a diplomat all right.

I am Harry Weston.

It's nice to meet you, sir.
- My pleasure.

Now, listen, I wanna ask you

'bout this diplomatic immunity
thing.

Is it true you can hop
in your limo, run somebody over,

leave 'em in the middle
of the street

and then go somewheres
and double park?

We can't double park anymore.

So...

What do you like most
about Miami?

She's standing right here.

I'd hang on to this one.

Those kids
are all over your limo.

Gosh, in five minutes,
they'll be a-sellin' it for parts.

- It's all right.
Frederick is watching it.

Tch, in four minutes,

they'll be selling Frederick
for parts.

We'd better go.

Hey, you two have fun.

So glad we've met you.

Harry, I hope we can spend
some time together.

Maxine has told me
so much about you.

Really?

Yes, those colorful stories
about your hometown of hickory.

Perhaps some time
we can break possum together.

Okay.

Daddy, guess what I found?

♪ Kumbaya, my lord

♪ Kumbaya

♪ Kumbaya, my lord

♪ Kumbaya

♪ lord

♪ kumba... ya

isn't that great?

How did you ever find it?

It was in the attic,
behind some boxes,

stuffed in a rolled up carpet
under that old sofa bed.

- I know where it was.
How did you ever find it?

Well, I was looking
for my trumpet.

You'll never find that.

- Remember this one, daddy?
- Yes.

But I haven't sung anything yet.

- I remember them all.
- It's Jimmy crack corn.

And I don't care.

Hey, westonians.

- Hi, Charley.
Hi, Sophia.

Hi you doing?
- Who cares?

The important thing is
they're here. Sit down.

Can I get you some coffee?
- Cool. A guitar.

Every time I see a guitar,
I think of my first girlfriend.

Did she play the guitar?

No, she had a long skinny neck,

and wore a g-string.

Hey, Carol,
we're going to dog races.

- Wanna come with us?
- No, thank you, Sophia.

I don't really care much
for gambling.

Gambling? Betting
on the dogs isn't gambling.

- It isn't?
- Nah.

With gambling you have
a chance of winning.

Wait, I know one
about a racetrack.

♪ Doo-da, doo-da

Don't do that.

Listen, Carol, why...
Why don't you go out?

I mean, it... it'd be good
for you.

And I can watch Scotty.

I don't really wanna spend

the money, daddy.
- It's on me. My treat.

There you go.
Have a good time. Bye-bye.

Will you put my guitar away?

- Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

- Okay.
We're off and running.

Here...

Comes the bunny!

God.

Coming.

Maxine.

- Hi, Harry.
Sorry to bother you so late.

- No, no, no, it's...
It's no bother.

I was just watching...
Beavis and butt-head?

Anyway, come on in. Come.

I've, kind of a dilemma
I need to discuss with you.

- Okay, come on.
Sit down here.

What's the problem?

Well, Roland's assignment
here is finished.

They're sending him home.

- I'm sorry, dear.
I know how much

you're gonna miss him.
- That's the dilemma.

I have to decide
whether I'm gonna miss him or...

Miss you.

I don't understand.

He wants me to go
with him, Harry.

He's asked me to marry him.

Marry him?

- That's what I said.
- Tch, this is so sudden.

My words exactly.

I don't know what to say.

Were you listening at the door?

Harry, he's the first thing
I think about when I wake up.

Lately, he's the first thing
I see when I wake up.

Do you love him?

Well, he's brilliant
and gorgeous,

and he's sensitive and kind

and he's a hell of a dancer.

So what do you think?

Do I love him?

I don't know about you, but...

I think I do.

- I'm tellin' you.
It ain't gonna happen.

And I'm telling you
she's considering leaving us.

No, she ain't.

Would you mind telling me
what makes you so sure?

Cause I got the same feelin'
about Dr. Douglas

as I had about Ross perot.

Neither one of them's
goin' nowhere.

Fine. Well, you're entitled
to your opinion.

- It ain't an opinion.
It's a fact.

- No, Laverne.
It's an opinion.

It's what you think.
It's what you believe.

It's what's gonna happen.

- I give up.
- I knew that too.

Well, just for the record,
I-I hope you're right.

I'd really hate to see her go.

Then you should tell her that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want her
to make the decision to stay

because it's what I want.

She's gotta make it on her own.

This is one time
I keep my opinion to myself.

- Ha! Good luck, doctor.
You're like an open book.

She'd take
one look in your eyes.

She'd know exactly
what you're thinkin'.

Morning, doctor.
- Morning.

Morning, morning, Maxine.

Harry.

I've been wrestling
with this thing all night.

What do you think I should do?

Well, I think you should do
what you... what you...

You know, what you really
wanna do.

How can I leave this place?

I have a responsibility here.

Well, Maxine, I mean,
no one's indispensable.

Now, there's a real
vote of confidence.

What I mean is you're
not the only doctor in Miami.

What is the matter with you?

Nothing. All I'm saying
is that you can be replaced.

Hey, well, don't be so quick
to paint over my parking space!

I'm not gone yet.

Well, good.

Then, you don't want me to go.

I didn't say that.

Then, you do want me to go.

I didn't say that either.

Then, what the hell
are you saying?

And why won't you look at me?

So, that's what you think.

What?!

Well, this decision
is tough enough

without you begging me to stay.

Look, do me a favor.

In the future,
keep your opinions to yourself.

Couldn't keep your mouth shut?

- Are you busy?
- No, not at all.

- Good.
Will you marry me?

I'm thinking about it.

While you're thinking,
let's have lunch.

Are you free?

As a bird.

Bring it in, Frederick.

Roland, you're too much.

I had it specially prepared
by the best restaurant

in the neighborhood.

The best restaurant
in this neighborhood

is Arnie's wiener wagon.

Voila.

What a great idea.

I haven't had one of these
in ages.

You are always doing
such great things.

Marry me,
and they will never stop.

I wish it were that simple.

You're asking me to take on
a whole new way of life.

I'll make it
as easy as possible.

I'll have Arnie's chili dogs
flown in every week.

Heh!

You make it very tempting.

I'm trying my best.

I want you with me, Maxine.

- She ain't a-gonna marry him.
- No way. No, sir.

Would you stop that?

Listen up, everybody.

I just said "yes."
We're getting married.

Well, congratulations!

That is wonderful!
And let me be the first...

They ain't never gonna happen.

How did she find it?!

Good, daddy.
You're home.

Just walked in.

Daddy, I have
some terrific news.

I found a foolproof way
to make money:

The dog races.

The dog races?

Daddy, last night
was a revelation.

I never knew it could be
so easy to make money.

There was this dog
running in the second race.

I think it was a greyhound.

They're all greyhounds.

The point is I'm going back
there and make a killing

now that I know
I have the touch.

Carol, there is no touch.

- I beg to differ.
It is obvious

that I have some special
hitherto untapped talent

for communing with canines,

an uncanny connection
with my animal friends.

Dreyfuss, what do you want?!

He wants to go out!

Anyway, as soon as Charley
gets here,

I'm going back to the track.

Carol, I'm not giving you
any more money.

Daddy, I don't need your money.

I have resources of my own.
Close to $400.

Where did you get $400?

From my catering business.

You got the Anderson wedding!

No, I sold my stove.

That reminds me.

♪ Home, home on the range

After my residency,

I did a stint
with the peace corps.

Then I spent three years
as assistant director

of neighborhood clinics
for the city of Chicago.

I also co-wrote a textbook
on community medicine.

Well, that's very impressive.

I'm sure
you'll be hearing from us.

Thank you so much,
Dr. Baxter.

Well, thank you both.

All right.

Well, she's obviously all wrong.

Wrong? Did you
hear her qualifications?

She's got everything
but the nobel prize.

- Exactly.
She's overqualified.

This one's overqualified.

The other one
was underqualified.

And what about
the one before that?

What was wrong with him?
- He was from Sri Lanka.

- So what?
He had terrific credentials.

Sure, but do you wanna go
around all day saying,

"hello,
Dr. Sarabavavavan"?

So, what? I call him
by his first name.

"Lababavavavita"?

Anyway, what's the panic?

I said I wouldn't leave
until we found a replacement.

I think that's exactly
what's at the bottom of this.

What's at the bottom of what?

I think you're having
second thoughts about leaving.

Maybe you're starting to realize

you don't really know Roland
all that well.

I know everything about him
I need to know.

- Really? When's his birthday?
- January 12, 1939.

Okay. So you know
his birthday.

What do his parents do?
- Mother's a judge.

Father's a nuclear physicist.

Three brothers, one sister.

One's a corporate attorney,
specializes...

- Okay. All right.
Fine. Fine. Fine. All right.

So, you know more about him
that I thought.

Maybe that'll teach you
to stay out of my business.

Fine. You got it.

Hi. Roland?

Hey, baby.

When's your birthday?

Don't forget to leave room
for the Boston cream pie.

- All right, Carol.
Come on.

Why are you treating me
like this?

- Like what?
- You're after something.

You made my favorite dinner.
You washed my car.

You haven't sung all night.

Well, daddy,
I just wanted to tell you

how I did at the track.

Carol, you didn't have
to butter me up.

I mean, you learned
your lesson at the track,

and that's enough.

Hey, Carol.

Did you tell your dad
about the $1800 bucks?

You lost $1800?!

No, I won it!

You should've seen her, Harry.

It's like she can
read those mutts' minds.

Hey, you don't have any
greyhound blood

in your family, do you?

- Yes, Charley.
We have an uncle who's a bus.

Jeez.

Carol, if you didn't lose,

why... why the royal treatment?

What more reason do I need

than that you are
the most wonderful daddy

in all of daddydom.

Carol, every time you go
to daddydom,

you want something.

Okay, daddy, I've got
a business proposition.

You see, with your bankroll
and my touch,

the sky's the limit.

Carol, I don't wanna get
involved in this scheme,

and neither should you.
If you keep betting,

you'll just gonna end up
losing it all.

Your father's right.

Put your money
into something sensible.

Like what?

- A brown purse.
Goes with everything.

Well, that was a delicious meal.

Thank you. The cook
has been with our family

since the revolution.

Came to us direct
from the emperor's palace.

Your cook
was the emperor's chef?

Our cook was the emperor.

You're kidding me.

Frederick, is he making a joke?

Mr. Powell would never
do that, ma'am.

Frederick,
we'll have our coffee now.

- Yes, sir.
- I'll get it.

I'll pour

the coffee, ma'am.
- It's okay.

You're busy.

Maxine, sit down.

- What?
- Sit down.

- Is something wrong?
- Yes.

I asked Frederick
to get the coffee.

- What's the big deal?
I wanted coffee.

I went for coffee.

That's Frederick's job.

He's a servant.

Well, I guess
I'm just not comfortable

with the idea of people
serving other people.

I don't know what it is.

Actually, I do know what it is.

Maxine, you must understand.

In my country, roles
are very well defined:

Master, servant, parent, child.

Wait. Master?

Are we talking another country
or another century?

I know that word
has connotations here.

It has more than connotations.

Maxine,
you're a very spirited woman,

but when we get to my country,
you must learn

to temper your opinion.

- Why?
Because I'm a woman?

No, because you're my woman.

Then you better
run that by me again.

I mean, because you're going
to be the wife of a diplomat.

And you're gonna be
the husband of a doctor.

I can't believe
this is happening.

- Nothing is happening.
- Pfft.

Maxine, sweetheart,
we're bound to have

a few little differences.

These are more
than little differences.

These are...

How shall I put this?

Roland, have you ever seen
the Grand Canyon?

Maxine...

When you've spent some time
in my country,

you will see
what I'm trying to say.

Roland...

I'm not going with you.

I thought you loved me.

I do love you.

That's the hell of it.

You're handsome,
and you're smart, and...

You're a great lover.

You even like hot dogs.

So, why'd you have
to turn out to be such a jerk?

- Okay.
- Well, my $1,800 is gone.

You lost it all?

No, I invested it.

Bring it in, Charley!

Isn't he beautiful, Harry?

I'm gonna make a fortune, daddy.

I've already entered him
in a race next week.

Carol, you don't know
anything about this dog.

- I know talent.
Watch this.

Go, Zephyr!
Run like the wind!

Carol. Carol,
maybe you've got something here.

Whoa, he's really fast.
- He's incredible.

- Whoa, look at him go!
Look at him run!

Look at him jump! Hey!
Over the fence.

My god. He's gone!

Zephyr! Heel!

May I come in?

What are you doing here so late?

Well, you weren't home.

I checked all the Bridges
and tall buildings,

so I figured...
You were here.

So you know what happened.

Yeah, Roland called
looking for you.

He told me everything.

He wants me to try
to talk to you

into going back with him.

And?

He's a jerk.

You've been listening
out the door again?

You called it, Harry.

How did you get to be so smart?

Call it an unlucky guess.

You gonna be all right?

Me? Sure.

If there's one thing I can do,
it's take care of myself.

You want me to hang around
for a while?

Nah. Go on home.

I can cry by myself, too.

I love you, kiddo.

See? I told you
she wasn't goin' nowhere.

Laverne, go.

Dreyfuss, I'm gonna
sing for you now.

Won't that be nice?

Good old dependable,

reliable, loyal dreyfie.

That oughta keep you loyal.

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah...

♪ ...hallelujah