Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 12 - Read All About It - full transcript

- Okay, Laverne!
Who's next?

- Mr. Garrison.
- God!

Again?
- Yeah.

That man keeps repeatin' on you
like a hot link sausage.

- Doctor!
Something's flared up.

I think... I think
it's my pancreas.

Y... y... your pancreas?

Yeah, I keep getting
sharp pains right there.

Right here, you say?

Yeah... yeah... yeah
that's it, doctor.

What it is?
Ruptured pancreas?



Pancreatitis?

When did you first notice this?

Two hours ago, during
my morning tumor search.

And how often
have you been checking it?

- Every few minutes.
- Yeah!

Well, I'm... I'm afraid we're
gonna have to remove it.

My pancreas?

- No, your fingers!
Just stop poking yourself!

Come on!

- Well, that's... that's it?
- That's it, sir.

Well, aren't you gonna
run any tests?

- No.
Here... here... here.

Now, Mr. Garrison,
please.

Now, listen to me.



You've been here
every day this week.

There's absolutely
nothing wrong with you.

The only person I see more
of around here is your nephew.

Don't pay any attention to him!

He's a hypochondriac!

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Here you go, doctor.

I just love brownies.

Yeah, this is
an old family recipe,

and they's a fascinatin'
story that goes along with it.

Can I just have the brownie?

Suit yourself.

You got the lucky Brazil nut!

Lucky Brazil nut?

You shoulda listened
to my story.

Well, that hurt.

Well, I'm sorry
'bout that, doctor,

but now back in hickory,

we do somethin'
fix you right up.

Like what?

Go down to the swamp,
and lick a bullfrog?

No, go to a dentist.

We quit usin' that bullfrog
thing years ago.

- Yeah, Laverne!
You've made brownies!

Careful, I think
I broke a tooth.

You got the lucky Brazil nut.

I told her she should go
to the dentist.

Well... well, of course
she should go.

Go. I'll... I'll cover
things here.

- I can't.
I've got that interview today

with the Miami examiner.

The tooth can wait.

Tooth can't wait.

Maxine, just go
to the dentist. Go!

I mean I... I'll do
the interview.

Okay, but remember a good story

can really bring in
the donations.

Don't worry, Maxine.

I've done a million
of these things.

- Thanks.
Give 'em hell, Harry.

Okay.

Laverne, let me know
when that reporter gets here.

All right, but when he does,
let me give you a tip.

Don't make that suckin' sound.

What sucking sound?

Lately after you eat,
all I here is "tsk tsk."

I do no such thing!

- Believe me, doctor!
You suck!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, I gotta leash
and collar just like that.

Charley, what would you need
a leash and collar for?

Like you've never played
bad doggie, bad doggie?

Woof, woof, woof.

Hello?

Hi, Brenda.

Yeah, I'm really looking
forward to the party.

F. Scott and I
will be there

at 1:00 sharp.

Of... of... of course
I'm bringing the lasagna.

It's... it's in the oven now.
See you.

My god.
I forgot the lasagna!

Lasagna, can I have a piece?

- There is no lasagna!
I've gotta make it,

and I've gotta get Scotty
to the pediatrician.

Charley, do me a favor

and take dreyfuss
to the vet for me.

Why should I?

You wouldn't give me
any lasagna.

There is no lasagna,
you idiot! Come on!

Just this one little favor.
That's all I'm asking.

- No way!
That's how it starts.

Soon you'd be asking
for favors all the time.

- What?
- That's how it was with me.

It all started with that
first beer you gave me.

Now I'm over here
eatin' your food,

doing my laundry,
making hundreds of dollars

of 976 calls on your phone.

You did what?

You've been making
those immoral,

disgusting calls
from this house?

- No time to talk!
- I gotta get to the vet.

I gotta sick dog on my hands.

Thank god.

I thought those calls
were daddy's.

Shhh, it's okay.

Frank Millard is here
from the examiner.

Now remember...
- Yeah! I know... I know.

The sucking noise.
Please.

- No.
Don't cross your legs.

Why not?

Because it makes you look
like a big girl!

Right this way, Mr. Millard.

Hi, I'm doctor Weston.

- Frank Millard.
- Sit down. Here we go.

Wait!
Frank Millard!

You're... you're on sports!
You cover the dolphins!

Used to cover the dolphins.

Well, you wrote some great
stuff what happened?

It's a lie!

I did not spit
in Don shula's face!

That's the way I speak!

- So, this is it?
- Yeah, that's it.

It reminds me of the locker
room at ebbets field.

- Really? Thanks.
- They oughta tear

this joint down, too.
So, come on.

Give me your spiel.
- Well,

like everything else,
the bottom line is dollars.

Yeah, yeah.

And we've been working
on a shoestring budget.

So standards are not quite up...

- Whoa, whoa.
Time out, doc.

You're puttin' me to sleep here.

Let's come up with an angle...

So, what made you join the team?

Well, in clinics like this,

are always looking
for qualified doctors.

Good! Good! So they brought
ya in from the bullpen

to get the save, right?

- Well... yeah.
I just wanna do my part.

And you really came to play?

I... I do the best I can.

And I suppose you always
give 110%?

Yeah, I guess.

Everybody's a jock.

Is the doctor in?

I'm having
an appendicitis attack.

Mr. Garrison,
you're appendix

was took out when you was 12!

Maybe it grew back!

That is impossible!

Anything's possible
if you believe.

I'm sorry,
you can't go in there.

The doctor's in the middle
of an interview

- with the Miami examiner!
- Really?

I've got stories
that'll curl his hair.

Medical nightmares.
- No, now listen.

You stay away from that door,
and I'll run you some tests.

What kind of tests?

We'll star with a EKG.

- And...?
- And maybe ppd.

How about an mri?

You're dreamin'...

But I got somethin'
that's just perfect for you.

A g-i-t.
- What's that?

Git!

I think I got everything
I need here.

- That's it?
We're done?

- Yeah!
I got the angle.

I got the final score.
All I need now is the filler.

R... really?

I mean I feel there's so much
I-I haven't told you.

Hey, doc, I'd love to stay
and talk, but I gotta get over

to the pillsbury bake-off.

- God.
They got you covering that too?

No, I'm starvin'.

Hi, I'm Dr. Heather Cooke.

Well, well, well.

Hello...

I'm Charley dietz,

but you can call me buck.

Buck?

That's my professional name.

I'm a... bronco buster.

Well, it says here

that dreyfuss is owned
by the Weston family.

I'm doing this
for my neighbor Harry.

He relies on me quite a bit.

Well, that's
very thoughtful of you.

I wish I had
a neighbor like that.

- Maybe you can.
Where do ya live?

So, we have a mild
inflammation of the ear.

Yes. Only it's not mild,
and it's not my ear.

Hello, dreyfuss.

Don't worry boy, I don't bite.

Do you nibble?

Well, I have some drops
that'll take care of that.

You know what?

As long as I'm here,
I'm gonna check him out.

You lucky dog.

Any other problems?

Yeah, you know my doctor says

my cholesterol's a little high,

he wants me to lay off meat.
What do you think?

Charley, I'm a veterinarian.

Really?

Don't you miss cheeseburgers
just a little?

Good mornin', slugger.

Slugger?

You ain't seen the paper today?

- Here.
- The article!

"Hometown hero knocks one out
of the park for clinic."

That's cute.

Gets even cuter.

"Came in from the bullpen
to make the save.

A one-man team".

What is this?

This is all about me.

He doesn't even mention
you or Maxine.

Sure he does.

"Doctor Weston regularly
makes the big play

"with an occasional assist

from his able
nurse... Darlene"!

Now they's one
for mama's scrapbook.

I-I did not say that.

This... this looks like I'm
taking all the credit.

You noticed that, too?

- ...did Maxine...
- I mean...

Did Maxine see this yet?

Scared?

Yeah, this is
Dr. Harry Weston

let me talk to frank Millard.

You... you have him call me
as soon as he can!

No, this is not
a spitting complaint!

Hey, Maxine... ho ho ho.
Good morning.

Good morning, doctor god.

Hello, Darlene.

Would you take a look
at my throat?

Doctor Douglas says
it isn't inflamed.

Well, then I'm sure it isn't.

I want an opinion from the best.

Well, who says I'm the best?

- You did.
It's in the newspaper.

I-I never
said anything like that.

That reporter really kinda
twisted everything all around.

To think I used to come here

when she was the only doctor.

I was risking my life!

I've got news for you.

You're doing it again.

- Maxine, Maxine, Maxine!
I can explain everything.

Maxine, believe me!

Those quotes were taken
completely out of context!

Really?

And exactly what was
the context of this remark?

"As to why he volunteered,
doctor Weston said,

"'the clinic was desperate
for a good doctor'."

As opposed to the quack
who was already here?

- I can't...
- Here's a beauty.

"Before Weston's arrival,
the clinic was strictly

a bush league operation."
What is that?

It's... it's a mistake!

It's a... a... a huge,
ugly mistake!

I wish, I wish you would've
given that interview.

How could I?

When you were pushing me
out the door to the dentist.

- Pushing you out the door?
You cracked your tooth!

And I wouldn't be
a bit surprised if you planted

that Brazil nut
in blondie's brownies!

- Maxine, come on!
You're being unreasonable!

If I was being unreasonable,

I'd part your hair
with that coat rack!

Wait a...

Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof!

Charley, what are you doing?

You know, I think dreyfuss

has taken a turn for the worse.

He developed this hacking cough.

Kept me up all night.

I thought you said
he was the neighbor's dog.

That's how loud he was.

Seems fine to me.

- Thank you.
Thank you, doctor.

And thank you.
I... I won't forget.

Excuse me?

It's just a promise I made

to donate my time
to underprivileged animals

if dreyfuss was spared.

Really?

The animal shelter's
looking for people

to clean out kennels
on weekends.

- I'll call 'em.
- No! No... no...

You know, that sounds great,
but please don't call.

I... I'd rather
get it on my own.

I didn't realize you were
such an animal lover.

Yes, I am.

Of course...
I can be gentle, too.

Heh heh!

You are definitely a charmer!

Well, you'll have to excuse me.

We're all jammed this morning.

You are just adorable.

Isn't he, though?

Try that again,
you're puppy chow.

- Excuse me.
- Doctor Douglas?

- Yes.
- Hello, I'm Jane Walsh.

I'm a reporter with the banner.

- That's my...
- Save it.

I've had my fill of reporters.

- You don't understand.
- Look, I don't have time.

No, but my editor knows
all about how you founded

this clinic, and then he read

that one-sided article
on doctor Weston,

and he wanted me
to do a piece on you.

Have a seat.

Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Candy?

I could send out for Chinese.

No. Thanks.

Now, we felt that the way
doctor Weston

took all the credit was
not only unfair,

but totally inaccurate.

I couldn't have said it better.

Tell me, doctor.

At what point did race
become an issue?

What?

Well, as a white doctor

educated by an elitist
medical school system.

Did he simply come in
and take over?

Or was there a power struggle?

Miss Walsh,
racism is not an issue here.

It's sexism, isn't it?

Yes!

The career of a female doctor

being suppressed,
by a domineering

egocentric male.

Wait a minute!

You've already
written this article!

Why don't you try interviewing
me instead of yourself?

Excuse me, but I happen
to be a professional reporter.

Yes, but in spite of that.

Let's try to get
a few facts straight!

Now sit down!
Notepad out!

Pencil up!
You write. I'll talk.

Limp. Limp.

Limp.

Got it?

Work with me, dreyfuss.

You're my furry little ticket
to paradise.

Now, I gotta whimper like this.

Come on, dreyfuss!

Pay attention!

You'd think with a head that size
you'd have a bigger brain.

I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

One more time?

And when I called the reporter
to clear things up,

he wouldn't even talk to me.

You've done all you can, daddy.

I'm sorry Maxine's feelings
are hurt, but she just...

I mean, won't listen.

Then it's her problem,
not yours.

- You're right.
You're right.

Then why do I feel guilty?

Because we feel, daddy.

It's the Weston way.

See? Even dreyfuss
feels your pain.

Come on, dreyfuss.

You gotta put
more agony into it.

Really sell it like this...

Charley?

What is going on
with you and dreyfuss?

- Well...
If you must know,

my parents
never bought me a pony.

- All right, Charley.
The truth.

All right!

I'm teaching dreyfuss to limp.

I gotta get him back
to the doggy doctor.

You should see
that new vet babe.

I should've known.

Charley, I believe this
is a new low for you.

Please, Harry,
let me go a little lower.

I'm almost there.

- Look, Charley, you...
You get your own pet.

- My own pet?
Yeah, why not?

I wonder what kind of a pet
says Charley dietz?

How about a weasel?

Where am I gonna find a weasel?

Wait... wait.

The city's crawling
with stray cats.

I bet I could find one
with a limp!

- My god.
- What have I done?

Don't worry, daddy, even
ally cats have standards.

Come on.

Nothing personal, dreyfuss,
but hey... ey!

You're too old to learn
a new trick.

Doctor, this time,
it's... it's my own pet...

Princess.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, for starters,
she's a little high strung.

Yes, I can see that.

I can also see
that "she" is a he, Charley.

Princess is a boy.

Sure fights like a girl.

Charley, this is a sick cat.

You're telling me...

You should see
where he licks himself.

I think Princess may have
an intestinal obstruction.

He may need surgery.

Please, doctor,
whatever it takes.

Just do it.
Thank god we have you.

You know, I feel like this
has drawn us closer together.

How about dinner tonight?

Gee, Charley, I would've
loved to before,

but I'm treating Princess now,

and I have a policy
never to socialize

with my patient's owners.

What?

But, I really respect you.

It's not everyone that would
spend this kind of money

to save a cat.

How much money we talking here?

About $500.

Is that in cat dollars?

Removing
an intestinal obstruction

is a difficult procedure.

- But...
Couldn't you just, like,

squeeze 'em real hard?

We have got to do somethin'
about doctor Weston.

That man's head is a-swellin'
outta control.

Look at this article
in the banner.

"Doctor Weston,
miracle medical worker."

When do you suppose he had time
fit that interview in?

He didn't give that interview.

I did.

Normally this never happens
to me, but I'm confused.

All right, Maxine,
this has gone on long enough.

Now, if you feel we cannot
resolve our differences...

Doctor, you better read this.

What is this?

"Doctor Weston is one
of the finest men

I've ever known."

W... w... what's going on?

Maxine, did you actually
say that?

Don't let it go to your head.

Believe me, it makes me sick

to read all the nice things
I said about you.

- I don't understand.
- Me neither!

Now my name is lavene?

Maxine, I don't know
what to say... I...

Why'd you do it?

Well, that reporter came here

ready to do
a hatchet job on you.

So, I had to straighten her out.

- Looks like you did.
Thanks.

Well, I figured I owed it
to you after the way

I blew my top the other day.

I can see now how these
interviews get outta hand.

I wish I'd of handled
my interview that well.

I thought you said you done
a million of these things.

I... I never said
I was good at them.

We have a visitor!

- Hi, dear.
- What can we do for you?

Hi, I'm from my school
newspaper,

and I'd like to do
a story on your clinic.

Who can I talk to?

- Not me again!
- Not me.

Look, doctor. You're gonna
love to story, the little

kids wrote about the clinic.

I've seen enough stories
about the clinic.

Not as good as this one.

"Laverne gives shots
that don't hurt.

"Laverne saved
a little boy's life once.

Laverne... Laverne... Laverne...
Laverne."

Here I am!

"Doctor Weston has a big dog
named dreyfuss,

who really, really
likes Laverne."