Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 3 - Barbara Gets Shot - full transcript

So, what do we got?

She won't take her shot.

I tried to explain to her it
would only hurt a teensy bit.

That didn't work.

I offered her a dollar,
that didn't work.

Nor was she moved by my
"friendly Mr. Needle" argument.

Now back home, we drop a
chipmunk down her shirt.

And by the time they got it out,

shot would be all over.

Think I can handle this.

If I were you,
I'd approach her carefully.



- Why?
- You'll see.

Jennifer, dear, what happened

since I left the room?

Go on.

Jennifer, all the...

Near as I can figure
the twilight zone

starts at the end of the table.

That's amazing.

Now between you and me,
this ain't helping morale

out in the waiting room.

All right, Jennifer, dear.

I'm putting this
right down here.

I'm reaching into my pocket,

and pulling out
a magical tootsie pop.



I get so excited when
something actually goes right.

Jennifer, come on.

I want you to have
this tootsie pop.

But I want you to have
that medicine too,

because your sick, baby.

And it's gonna make you better.

Now you know how grown-ups
are always saying,

"this is gonna hurt me more
than it's gonna hurt you"?

Not true.

But it's not all
that bad, either.

And to prove it,
if it does hurt too much,

you can kick me in the shins
as hard as you like.

And you still get
the tootsie pop.

Deal?

- Deal!
- All right.

Now get up here.
Good girl.

All right, now you look
at that picture over there.

Ready?
Okay?

Now squeeze your nose.

Hard, real hard.

Really hard, real hard.

Then one, two, three...

Then it's done.

Aah.

Are my shins safe?

All right,
it's tootsie pop time!

Good girl.

I have to talk to you.

No, I don't...
Don't talk to me.

Don't say anything.

Whenever you say,
"I have to talk to you,"

it's bad news.

It's your daughter, Barbara.

I just spoke to her
lieutenant at the station.

What happened?
What, what?

She's okay, she's fine.

What do you mean,
"she's okay, she's fine?"

People don't say,
"she's okay, she's fine,"

if she's okay and she's fine.

But she is fine.

She's at Fillmore hospital,
but she's all right.

Now here are your car keys.

If she's at the hospital
she's not all right.

I'm a doctor,
I know these things.

Where are my keys?

- You're holding them.
- How did she get hurt?

Well... she got...

Shot a little bit.

Cotton?

How is she?

She's fine.
It's just a clean flesh wound.

Who are you?

Dr. Weston,
her father.

Hi, Harry.

Hi, who are you?

Mitch.
Mitch Halpern?

Mitch.
Hi.

I didn't recognize you
without your mustache.

You look good.

Daddy, is that you?

Sweetheart.
Sweetheart, you're awake.

Yes, but I'm totally loaded.

What are you using?

Fersen alfenta.

She's totally loaded.

Baby, where were you shot?

In butt city.

Heinyville.
Keister land.

Sweetheart,
shut up, you're stoned.

This is awful.

You had the cutest little...

Po-po I ever saw.

Still looks pretty good to me.

Hey, this is my daughter.
You just keep her loaded.

Harry, we're
trying to work here?

I'm... I'm sorry, Mitch.
I'm a little upset.

It happens every time
one of my children gets shot.

It's a quirk of mine,
forgive me.

But don't forgive me yet,
because I'm not finished.

Barbara, I cannot stand
you being a cop.

I just lost your mother
18 months ago.

And I cannot take
the thought of losing you.

So you gotta quit.

You hear that?

You promise me you'll quit.

Are you talking to me, daddy?

Yeah, Harry.

I'm gonna have a big argument

with my son next week
about his girlfriend.

Is it okay if we come over
to your office to do it?

All right, Mitch.
I'm sorry.

That's okay.
It's okay.

Now she's gonna be uncomfortable
for a couple of days.

Okay, now honey,
you'll stay with me.

And I'll take care
of you like old times.

Actually, I never did
take care of you, did I?

Your mother did that.

But it'll be like the
old times we never had.

Get out, Harry.

I just want to talk
to my little girl, here.

- Get out, dad.
- Yeah, get out, dad.

It's unanimous.

All right.
All right, all right.

But I'm taking you
home with me, tonight.

- Harry.
- Yes, right, get out.

But please,
take good care of her.

Harry, trust us.
We're professionals.

Po-po clamp.

- How are you feeling?
- Fine.

- Can I help you?
- No, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I just feel
a little silly, that's all.

There is no reason
to feel silly.

Here, let me adjust
your seahorsey.

A seahorse is what you get when
your father's a pediatrician.

All right, let's go!

Dreyfuss.
Look at this.

Two of my little girls
back home with me.

I can walk across the room
any time I want,

and kiss their beautiful faces.

Muah! Muah!

I love this, I love this.

If your sister Emily,
were home from school

I would burst with happiness.

- Are you finished?
- Yes... No.

Now, yes.
No!

Well, if you think
you feel good now,

wait till you've
eaten a decent meal.

I'm making roast chicken.

I love your roast chicken!

Hi, everybody.

So, we're having roast chicken?

I haven't even started
cooking yet, how did you know?

I was listening
outside the door.

Well, why don't you
go outside again.

You can listen to us eating.

Is somebody
going to explain this?

Or are we just going to
pretend Barbara's not

sitting on a seahorse?

Barbara got shot.

You mean Carol, don't you?

Why would anybody
want to shoot Barbara?

You know, you really
ought to find

a less dangerous line of work.

It was a freaky thing,
I got hit by a ricochet.

- Ricochet?
No kidding.

Hey, do they really sound like...

No, that's the
sound of an idiot.

My, aren't we touchy?

Somebody hasn't been dating.

Charley!

Charley, Charley, Charley.

I was having a wonderful
evening with my two daughters.

Go home.

What about my roast chicken?

Don't they feed you
on the ship of fools?

I don't have to
stand here and take that.

But can I?

No.
Get out.

Okay.

But I'm gonna go home
and cry in my beer.

You know what's really sick?

I've dated guys worse than him.

The man is not perfect.

But he did say one thing
that makes sense.

Your job is dangerous.

Daddy, don't start again.

I'm already started, Barbara.

I hate you being a cop.

I'd feel much better
if you got some nice,

dull job like your sister.

Now I'm in trouble
with the other one, here.

I know what you're
trying to say, daddy.

And I happen to agree with you.

Dreyfuss, get that, will you?

Some day he's gonna surprise me.

Come on, let's go.

How could you do
such a rotten thing?

I can't believe
you'd stoop so low.

What did I do?

"What did I do?"
You took his side as usual.

All I told him was
I agree with him.

Anything I ever wanted or ever
said that he didn't agree with,

you always took his side.

And frankly, I'm fed up with it.

Barbara, I don't believe this.

You have always
gotten your own way.

Please.

It's true.

You got dance lessons,
I got braces.

You got all the
ice cream you wanted.

I got, "watch it,
you're getting chunky."

- Carol.
- And remember the baby chicks?

What baby chicks?

The identical baby chicks

daddy gave us
for easter one year?

The next day you ran into
the house crying and said,

"Carol, your chick's dead."

It was your chick.

Is has that same
depressing peep that you do!

Why are you doing this?

Why are you jumping all over me?

You started it.

You and daddy yelling
at me about my job.

I'm sorry, Barbara.

For once in my life
I was worried about you.

For forgive me,
it won't happen again.

- I'm leaving.
- I am back.

And you won't have to listen
to my depressing peep anymore.

She peeped?

What peep?
Who peeped?

I'm fed up with you and her
putting my job down.

That's nothing to
get angry about, dear.

We feel that way
because we care about you!

Don't matter what you say,
I'm going back to work.

I got back to the house, I said,

"hey, maybe I was
a little too hard on Carol."

So I came back to apologize.

You're too late.

To hell with her.

You cook the chicken.

Well, nothing's changed.

Stale donuts and
the same ugly faces.

Hey, what do you know?
Look who's back!

I hear you got a little
"behind" in your work.

Hey, Weston.
Want to show us your injury?

How would you like
to kiss my injury?

- Hey, Weston.
- Hi, lieutenant.

Good to see ya.

I hear you got a little
"behind" in your work.

Lieutenant, we already did that.

Okay, well, good to
see you back, Weston.

Lieutenant.

While I was recuperating,
I think I figured out

an angle on that
car theft ring, i...

Hey, don't worry about that.

We put Hillshire on that case.

What do you mean?
That's my assignment.

I've been working
on that for six months.

Yeah, well, we got something

much more pressing
for you right now.

You know, we really
need help cross-checking

all the dealers in dade county.

But that's a desk job.

Yeah, well, you're
more valuable here.

Wait a second.
I don't understand this.

I belong out on the street.

Look, I never liked the idea
of girls working undercover.

You know, if you were my
daughter, young lady,

I wouldn't want you
out on the street.

But I'm not your daughter.

Well, the guy
whose daughter you are

doesn't want you
out there, either.

What are you talking about?

Look.

Your father came down here,

and he and I had
a little chat about you.

Let me get this straight.

My father came down here
and told you

to give me a desk job
and you listened to him?

Well, he made a lot of sense.

Look, I got daughters myself.

And, well, frankly I guess

I'm not as
pro-feminist as I seem.

Hey, Weston.
Welcome back.

Heard you got a little
behind in your work.

The lab called, the McClane
boys tests were negative.

Dr. Petri wants to see you
for a consultation at 3:00.

Starting at 1:30,
you've got four appointments.

Three streps and a mumps.

Your subscription on Boy's Life

run out and you don't have to
be at the hospital until 6:00.

And that sneaky Hodges boy
keeps stealing the legos.

Thank you, robo-nurse.

Letter from home?

Tuesday was the saddest day

the history of
Hickory, Arkansas.

Uncle Walter died.

He was loved by all.

Laverne.
I'm sorry to hear that.

He weighed 672 pounds.

That's big.

One night watched uncle Walter

eat an entire sack of potatoes.

A couple of gallons
of pork and beans,

and a half-dozen loaves
of stale sourdough bread

Louise Pritchard had
brung back from San Francisco

where she's visitin' her
homosexual nephew Clifford.

You' kidding me.

I swear to you.

She visits him once a year.

He works in a night club

where he dresses up
like Joan Rivers.

You find this amusing.

No, no.
I'm sorry.

Jimmy Hodges,
I'm gonna cut me a switch.

You get back here
with them legos.

Hey, baby.
How are you?

I wanna talk to you.

Now.

What's the matter, sweetheart?
You seem a little upset.

I am more than a little
upset with you, daddy.

I'm furious.

I had a little chat
with lieutenant Metcalf...

You had absolutely no right
to butt in to my work like that

and take over
like I don't exist!

- Look, I...
- No, you look!

I am a grown woman.

But as long as you keep

insisting on
treating me like a child,

I want you to stay
the hell out of my life.

Red Chevy van.

Florida license plates
number DFB8.

No, "D" as in desk.

"F" as in file.

"B" as in boring.

8-9... right.
Thank you.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Felt kind of bad about
the way we left things.

So I thought I'd
come over and...

Are all these men
here all the time?

What do you want, Carol?

Preferably one with
a full head of hair,

and a college education.

Just a suggestion.

Never undercover
as a Kelly girl.

These all have to be redone.

Barbara, daddy's miserable.

Daddy's miserable?

Yes, he misses you.

It's been six days.

How long before you two make up?

You're wasting your time, Carol.

After what daddy did to me,
I'm not making up with him.

You know, I didn't
speak to mom once.

For two whole months.

I was so proud of myself.

It took every ounce
of will power I had.

Not to give in.

And we lived in the same house.

Now that she's gone

I can never get
those two months back.

You might want to
think about that.

By the way, you spelled
"bloodbath" wrong.

I know you're in there,
I'd recognize that eye anywhere.

Sweetheart, I don't
see your eye anymore.

Barbara, dear, come on.
Let me in, please.

Barbara?

Barbara, let me in.

Or I will start singing
and I will embarrass you

in front of all your neighbors.

Barbara?

Whether I'm right

or whether I'm wrong

Let him in!

Or never belong

I've gotta be me

Let him in!

I've gotta be me

Barbara, I came to apologize.

I am sorry they took
you off the streets.

I'm not sorry-sorry,
but I am sorry

that I had anything
to do with it at all.

If indeed I did.

The point is, I should not
have butted in to your life.

No, daddy, you shouldn't have.

I am an adult.

I mean, I don't need
anyone looking after me.

I have my own job.

My own apartment.

My own food.

I have my own lettuce.

I have my own rice cakes.

I have my own
early pregnancy test.

I didn't see that.

I don't... what?

What are you doing with this?

I'm screwing this up.

All right.

Aw, Barbara.

I hate it when you're mad at me.

Especially the silent treatment.

Your mother used to do
that to me too, you know.

And sometimes I could
joke her out of it.

But I have much too much
respect for you.

And this is too
important between us

to try to pull
anything like that.

By the way, did I mention
I saw Elvis Presley last week?

I know he's supposed to be dead,

but I swear I saw him
mowing a lawn in Boca Raton.

Baby gonna mow the grass

pretty baby,

thank you, thank you.
Thank you, very much.

Not even a smile, you are tough.

Get that from your mother too.

If she didn't feel like
laughing, forget about it.

As I recall, the only thing

that could get her to laugh,

and you kids...

Was Mr. Bag head!

Come on, your mother
loved me like this.

On formal occasions
I had a black bag.

Baby.
Come on.

Go easy on me,
I'm running out of tricks here.

The only other thing I can
think of that would make

your mother laugh, is something

I'm not about to do
in front of my own daughter.

Suffice it to say it requires
my wearing something

with an elastic waistband,

and there is some
ventriloquism involved.

Honey.
Don't leave.

Don't go.
If you do, I'm lost.

Tell me what it is
you wanna hear.

I will say it.

Why can't you let me live
my life the way I want to?

Because I can't handle it.

Being a cop is what I do.

It's what I am.

And when you took
that away from me,

you took too much.

- All right.
You know, you're right.

You're right.

All right, tomorrow I'll go and
I'll talk to your lieutenant.

Tell him I've reconsidered,

and I want you back
in the line of fire, okay?

You're doing the
same thing all over again.

I don't want you to
go to the station.

That's for me to do.

I will take care
of the lieutenant.

Now you have got to understand.

I'm not daddy's
little girl anymore.

You've gotta let go.

Let go.

Sure.
I mean, I can let go.

Watch.

Aah, letting go.
I let, it's done.

And you'll be okay when I get
reassigned back to the streets?

Weren't you here for the
letting go thing?

What about when I
go back undercover?

And I go on another drug bust?

Even if there's shooting.

Please go easy on me, baby.

I'm a rookie at this
"letting go" stuff.

I just wanna make sure
you're not gonna interfere

with my work again.

Okay.

I'll try.

I promise.

Okay.

Good.

Muah.

But hey, hey, hey.

Let's be careful out there.

Hey.