Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 11 - The First Time - Again - full transcript

Sorry to put you
on hold, Mrs. Skillman.

No, I wouldn't worry.

It's perfectly normal

for them to touch themselves
at that age.

No, ma'am, I wouldn't know
if he gets it from his father.

Bye, now.

Good morning, Laverne!

So did you have a good weekend?

Well, Saturday, I did laundry,

and Sunday, I cleaned
the bathroom grout.

Not bad. Now then...



Well, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you going to ask
about my weekend?

A person asks
about your weekend,

it is customary to ask
about theirs.

All right. How was it?

That's very personal.
I'd rather not go into it.

You must really like this Paula.

What makes you say that?

Well, the first clue

was that Cologne you're wearing.

Entered the room about
five minutes before you did.

Now you're making jokes
that aren't even

in the neighborhood of funny.

Now you're picking flowers.



Puttin' 'em in your lapel.

Okay, right, yes.

No, Paula is just
something very special.

We went dancing Saturday night.

I cannot remember the last time
I had so much fun.

Well, that's real nice.

Now! You got 20 calls to return.

The waitin' room's full.
You have to work through lunch.

And Dr. Fuller wants you
to cover for him all this week

on night rounds.

Okeydokey.

Boy, you've got it bad.

Room one. Jeffrey millstein.

- Jeffrey?
- He needs to talk to you.

But I thought he was
seeing a therapist.

His therapist's on vacation,

no doubt largely financed
by that young 'un in there.

Hi, Mr. Millstein.

Hello. Hello, Dr. Weston.

Hi, Jeffrey. How you?

Laverne tells me your therapist
is on vacation.

That's right, Dr. Weston.

That must be a little
rough on you?

I've had mood swings, of course.

But, frankly, I have some doubts
about Dr. Phillips.

Really? He's a very
respected therapist.

He's mired in classical
freudianism, Dr. Weston.

He keeps focusing
on the oedipal drama,

completely ignoring
the possibility

of a disturbance of the self.

Does he ever, like,
play tetherball or...

No.

Why don't you tell me now

what the problem is today?

A few weeks ago, I took
Jeffrey to see Snow White.

And, well, he got scared.

He was afraid he'd fall asleep

and wake up to find seven
strange little men in his room.

Well, Dr. Phillips
talked him through that one.

But then last night,
the babysitter

let him watch that movie,
The Omen, on TV,

and, well, you tell him.

I think I'm the antichrist.

Hi.

You must be Laverne.
I'm Paula Conroy.

Well, you got a Rose too.

This is just too cute.

Come on in, Paula.
- Thank you.

You're all he's been
talking about.

I know this is a bad time,

but I was hoping
that I might just see him

for a minute.

I thought he might get
a kick out of this picture

of us dancing the tango
at the club dance

the other night.

Isn't he adorable?

Well, I wouldn't get this thing

blown up to poster size.

We had a great time.

He's so funny.

He must keep you
laughing all day.

Yeah, it's a regular
mirth fest, all right.

Thank you so much, Dr. Weston.

All right, you're welcome.

What a nice surprise.
- Hi.

Hi.

Have you two met?

Yes, we have.

I just wanted to give you this.

Ha! That's great.

We should have this
blown up like poster size.

I filled two cups.

Want me to go for three?

That's all right, son.

We're not trying to set
any records here.

Paula, I love this.
Thank you so much.

I have another surprise for you.

I got us tickets

for the jazz festival at Epcot
this weekend.

Great, I haven't
been to a festival in years.

Dizzy Gillpie's gonna be there.

- Dizzy.
- Miles Davis.

And Sarah Vaughn.

- Sarah Vaughn.
- This sounds fabulous.

Gee, wait a minute.

I have a lunch date with Carol
and Barbara on Saturday.

No, no, no, no.

This is too good to pass up.
They'll understand.

- You sure?
- I've... I'm sure.

Terrific I can't wait.

Me too.

And I got us a room
at a wonderful hotel.

You're going to love it.

A hotel?

Ahem. Excuse me.

A hotel?

Well, it's a two-day festival.

It just doesn't make sense

to drive back and forth
each day.

- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, not at all.

No, but I-I really,
I should talk to the girls

and, you know, make sure.

Of course, just as long
as you let me know tonight,

so I can confirm the hotel.

- Okay, right.
- I'll call you.

Okay.

About nine?

Dreyfuss,
I don't know what to do.

I mean, Paula's gonna be
calling in a little while,

and I don't know
what to tell her.

This is... this is like
a big step.

This is not something
to be taken lightly.

This is a decision that could
affect my entire life.

Here... you decide.

See? It's a tough one? Right?

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.

I hope you feel like Italian.

Sounds a-good.

Here, I'll set the table.

Listen, honey,
how would you feel

if I cancel our lunch date
Saturday?

That's fine.
We can have lunch anytime.

What if I told you the reason is

that Paula Conroy
wants me to spend the weekend

at a hotel with her?

Well, what do you know?

Daddy's gonna take
a roll in the hay.

I'm starting to feel
a little uncomfortable

about this conversation here.

I don't think this
is something perhaps

that a father should be
discussing with his daughter.

I wouldn't have brought it up
in the first place

if a certain dog
had been more helpful.

There's nothing wrong with
spending the weekend together.

I can't decide
whether to go or not.

Why wouldn't you go?
You like Paula, don't you?

Yeah, of course I do.

But it's not that simple.

I mean, right now,
everything is great with us.

But after this weekend,
the whole nature

of the relationship
is gonna change.

Suddenly, she's gonna get upset

if a few dons go by
and a haven't called her.

People will start
thinking of us as a couple.

And the notion of pet names
I know is gonna come up.

She's gonna want to call me
pumpkin or boo,

or something like that.

Well, daddy,
I think you're taking this

a little further
than you need to.

Well, the truth is,
it is more than just Paula.

I'm talking about
becoming an eligible bachelor.

I'm talking about opening doors

I'm not quite sure I want
to have opened yet.

Can I make a suggestion?

What?

When Carol gets here...

Don't tell her about this.

You want me to intentionally
deceive your sister?

Yes. Daddy, you know Carol.

She can barley deal
with the thought of you dating.

Come on, she's adjusting to it.

The last time you went out,
she hyperventilated.

Well, a few minutes
with a paper bag,

and she was back to normal.

Come on.

I am not gonna lie
to your sister, now.

Whom, by the way, I think you
are grossly underestimating.

Sorry I'm late.

Some cop gave me a ticket
for speeding on the way over.

- Were you?
- Of course not.

It's dangerous to speed while
you're putting on eyeliner.

So what's new?

Carol, baby, I was thinking

about canceling
our lunch this Saturday

and going to a jazz festival
with Paula Conroy.

I know, I mean, I know...

Daddy, I have some problems
in this area, I know.

But they're my problems,
and whatever you do,

you're still my father,
and I love you.

Well, thank you very much.

That's very mature of you.

Very mature.

And anyway, listen,

I can get back early enough
on Sunday.

We could still all have
dinner together.

How about that?
- Sunday?

What does that mean,
when you get back Sunday?

Well, it's a two-day festival.

You mean you're spending
the night with this woman?

Daddy, what would mom say
if she were here now?

If she were here now,
she'd say, "I want a divorce."

Please...

Carol, I know your mother

would want me to get on
with my life.

Baby, please don't...

Here we go. Here we go.
With the hyperventilating here.

- I'll get the paper bag.
- No, no, no, no! I'm okay.

She's handling this very well.

I am.

What I just did
is a little neurotic, I admit.

But now... I am
perfectly rational,

and I think for daddy
to go on this weekend...

Would be a mistake.

Daddy, this is Carol's problem.

Don't let her influence you.

Daddy, think about this.

I mean, really, really
think about this.

If this were right,
I mean really right,

you wouldn't be having
all these doubts, would you?

She has a point.

You said yourself
this was a big step.

It's only natural
to have doubts.

Anyone would.

That's also a good point.

There'll be other weekends.

Why not wait until you're sure?

You're gonna have to confront
this problem eventually, daddy.

Putting it off
is not the answer.

Daddy, Paula Conroy
is a communist.

Okay, I got a little nutsy.

It's okay, dear.
Well, no, thank you.

Thank you very much.
- What are you doing?

Nothing, I think we have
talked this through

quite enough,

and I do appreciate the input.

But I think I need
to be alone right now.

What are you gonna do
about this weekend?

Yes, what are you going to do?

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna

very carefully consider
the situation.

I will weigh all of the factors,

and then come to a calm
and reasonable decision.

God, it's her!

Okay, this is it.

This is the big one.

I don't know what to do.

What do I say?

Dreyfuss, if you do have
the power of speech,

now is the time use it.

Great, my dog can't talk.

Hello.

Hi, Paula, dear.

Yeah, fine.

Yes, I did talk to the girls.

What's the story?

I'm going. I am going.

I am, and I can't wait.

Bye, dear.

If you're about to say
something, now it is too late.

Take your advice elsewhere.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, you going someplace?

Yeah, Paula Conroy and I

are gonna spend the weekend
at the Epcot jazz festival.

All right, you're gonna score!

Will you stop it?

It's just too bad you have
to put up

with two days of jazz to do it.

I love jazz.

That doesn't matter.
The important thing is,

you're gonna score.

Charley, this weekend is about
much more than just that.

It's about relationships.
It's about starting over.

It's about scoring.

Would you stop with the scoring?

Look, it took me a few days
to feel good about this weekend.

I mean, this is the first woman
since Libby.

Come on.

That's over two years ago.

What about your old mistresses?

Don't tell me you didn't
look any of them up.

What mistresses? What mis...

What are you talking about,
"mistresses"?

Heh heh, come on.

This is me, Charley.

You can drop
the Ozzie Nelson thing.

Every husband cheats.

I didn't.

You expect me to believe that,

in over 30 years of marriage,

you never once...

Never.

They're gonna start
making little statues of you

to put on the dashboard.

Well, I got to admire
your courage.

It takes guts to do
what you're doing.

What? What am I doing?

Your first new woman
in over 32 years?

I mean, if it were me,
I'd be terrified.

You make it sound like
I haven't had sex

in 32 years.

I was married, remember?

- Wife doesn't count.
- Why not?

I don't know. They just don't.

The point is...

Sex has changed a lot
in the last three decades.

Must you use the word "decades"?

Let's talk about
orgasms for a minute.

I'm not sure I want to Charley.

Women have
three different kinds now.

Three? Three kinds?

Maybe four by now.
I don't know, I'm dead...

I haven't read today's paper.

Frankly, I blame Cosmo
for a lot of this.

C...Cosmo?

Cosmopolitan.
They're like orgasm central.

Come on, this is crazy.

I have nothing to worry about.

I mean, Paula is just
as old-fashioned as I am.

Really?
Whose idea was the hotel?

Charley, go home.

Okay.

But can I give you
one piece of advice first?

What?

If you really like this girl...

I do.

Test fire that thing first.

Get out!

Here we go.

Dinner was wonderful.

But dessert...
Dessert was delicious.

The texture was just perfect.

And the way it melted
in your mouth...

It's hard to find really good
cotton candy.

I've had the most wonderful day.

So did I.

And a full day.

The festival, Epcot,

dinner, bowling,

cotton candy place,

and miniature golf.

Hey, I'm sorry about
that thing with the windmill.

I don't know where
you find your energy.

It seems every time we thought
out calling it a day

and heading back here,

you came up with
something else to do.

Yeah.

You know, you do look
a little beat,

and we do have a big day
ahead of us tomorrow.

It might not be a bad idea

for you to get yourself
some sleep here.

I have some strength left.

Really?

How about a little nineball?

I know a great pool hall
down the street.

A walk? A walk could be fun.

It's good for the circulation.

There are other ways
to get the heart pumping.

I'll be back in a minute.

If you get bored,

there's some magazines
and books in my bag.

I mean, I don't get this.

I mean, this woman
never gets tired.

Heh. Heh.

Ho ho ho, ho ho.

Come on, just come on,
relax, will you?

Why don't you just...

Let's just relax.

Okay, take... relax.

But not on the bed, no.

This is better. This is a chair.

This is good. This is good.

Good. I...

I'm...

I don't know
what's right or wrong anymore.

All I know is, I want you.

Male narrator:
And so while the snail

is considered a pest
by the gardener,

he is nevertheless
a fascinating creature.

And while the quality most often
associated with the snail

is that of being
slow and plodding,

as you can see here,

when it comes to mating,

this fella can hold his own,
with even the famed rabbit.

Cosmopolitan.

Of course, what else?

My... a fourth one?

They found the fourth one!

What kind of scientists
are these people?

What is...

Hi.

Hi!

Sorry that took so long,

but you know women.

Heh heh, yeah.

Paula...

Harry, come sit with me.

Over there?

Yes.

Okay...

All right.

Harry...

Yes?

I just want you to know how much

I've enjoyed the time
we've spent together.

You're very dear to me.

I feel the same way about you.

I'm sorry, dear. I'm sorry.

It's... it's not you. It's me.

I thought I was ready for this,
but obviously I am not.

This may shock you,
but you are the first woman

I've been with since Libby died.

I figured that.

You did?

Why? What, you don't think
women find me attractive?

Harry, I'm not blind.

I knew from the moment
that I suggested the hotel

that this would be
difficult for you.

I was hoping that I might
ease you through it.

I feel like a school kid here.

This is so scary.

I mean, Libby and I,
we had 32 years

to get to know each other.

You and I, we're... just a month
we've known each other.

I don't know if you like

being tickled behind
the left ear or...

I don't know how you would feel

about the things I say
in a moment of passion.

What do you say?

I'd rather not go into that.

What?

No, nothing.

No, it's silly, out of context.

Plus, you have to be familiar
with the movie

Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Harry, you are not
alone in this.

I know... alone would be
a lot easier.

What I mean is that
men aren't all alike.

Women have to make
adjustments too.

It's not true.
I mean, there's no comparison.

It's not the same thing.

I mean, woman are much
more complicated than men.

With a woman, there are 100
different things

a man can do right or wrong.

With a guy, one button
you push, a jackpot.

Harry, that is not true.

It is true. It is true.

Plus, now,
with four kinds of orgasms?

There are four?
I thought there were three.

No, they found another one.

You know, Cosmopolitan did.

I haven't read it yet.

Well, you're in for a treat.

They have flowcharts.

Harry, you are a very funny man.

Harry, I care about you
very much.

And the reason I wanted
to make love with you

wasn't because I want
to put you through

some kind of
sexual proving ground.

It's because I want to get
closer to you.

I want to get as close
as two people can get.

But it doesn't
have to be tonight.

It doesn't have to be
this weekend.

Whenever you're ready.

I'll wait.

You are such a kind
and sensitive

and wonderful woman,
and I cannot tell you...

What a relief it is to know,
that you're willing to wait,

because I really don't
want to lose you.

And when the time is right,
indeed,

believe me, I want to get
close to you very much.

You are a very exciting lady.

Thank you.

That's some negligee
you got there.

What is that, silk?

Yes.

I like the Lacy part.

You know, where it
sort of reveals,

and at the same time,
it doesn't reveal?

Anyway, I thank you very much...

For understanding that I just...

I can't...

Make love right now.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Listen...

Excuse me...

Seeing as that I'm new at this,

how do you feel about
three out of four?

I'm a yankee doodle dandy