Eight Is Enough (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 4 - Women, Ducks and the Domino Theory - full transcript

Dad, why did
Elizabeth get grounded?

Oh, well, because she has
a very generous curfew...

and she didn't come home
when she was supposed to.

Do people always get in trouble when they
don't do things but they're supposed to?

Not always. Only
when they get caught.

I'm sure glad I
didn't get caught.

Oh?

Get caught at what, Nicholas?

Doing what I wasn't supposed to.

And what might that be?

What are you asking me for? I
don't want to get me in trouble.



Smart kid. Ow!

- Good morning, Nicholas.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- Writing a letter to Santa Claus.

Santa Claus? Christmas
doesn't come until December.

I know, but I figured I'd write
now when he wasn't busy.

Oh, yeah, that's smart.
Write on. Ha, ha, ha.

You don't get it. Someday you'll
appreciate your father's sense of humor.

Why are you eating here
instead of the kitchen?

Because they're
in there arguing.

Oh.

What else is new?

I've looked everywhere.

Maybe you left it over at
Margie's when you slept there.

No, I used it the
day before yesterday.



I kind of like it au naturel.

- Yeah, the wet head isn't dead.
- You are so funny.

Good morning, girls.

I don't want to know what the
argument is about, thank you.

Then don't listen. And don't
mention the word "hair dryer."

Maybe Mary borrowed it.
- No, Susan.

Hey, hey, hey.

Whoo!

I put your hair dryer back.

That was a hallucination, right?

I mean, do you believe it?

Yeah, I believe it.
It was my hair dryer.

Hey, you should be flattered.
I mean, this is a first time.

- This is monumental.
- Hey, what do you think it is, Dad?

- Temporary insanity or...?
- Definitely "or."

"Or," huh?

- Do you think he has a girlfriend?
- No way. Who'd have him?

That is a typical
kid sister reaction.

Let me tell you something
about your brother.

I'll bet you there is some
ninth grade femme fatale...

who thinks your brother
is the cat's meow.

"Cat's meow." Oh, Daddy, the
way you talk sometimes, really.

What I'm trying to
say is that it's probably

come to that time
in Tommy's life and...

I think it's time for those
who are supposed to clean...

to get started cleaning the upstairs
and those going to school, go to school.

Well, I have to give you credit,
Dad. You're taking this pretty calmly.

What, that Tommy takes
an interest in his appearance?

No, I mean about Tommy
starting to have a love life.

I have lived through
six puberties already.

- What's one more?
- But there's been five girls...

between David and Tommy.

Think you might be just a
little out of practice with boys?

No, I think boys are
easier, I really do.

I don't ever remember having a
major problem with David. Never.

David called. He wants to know
if the duck-hunting trip's still on.

Of course the duck-hunting trip is still
on. Why should this year be different?

It's always the first Sunday in
hunting season, come rain or shine.

Dad, that's this coming Sunday.

It's this coming
Su... Sunday. That's

right. I've been thinking
about it all week.

Well, then how come you haven't
borrowed Dr. Maxwell's shotgun yet?

Because I've been very busy.

Mm-hm. If you want my
opinion about duck hunting...

No, I don't want to know your opinion.
Let me tell you about duck hunting.

It has been a family Bradford
father-and-son tradition...

since I was knee high to a
grasshopper. My father took me.

I took David duck hunting
ever since he was 16.

We're always duck hunting.
We... We are duck hunters.

Okay. But, Dad, listen, you don't
have to go to the supermarket this year.

- Supermarket?
- Yeah, Mary's already bought a duck.

It's in the freezer.

I think she remembered
how it went last year.

Ten dollars till next Friday you
can have, but I need the knapsack.

- What do you need the knapsack for?
- It's duck-hunting time.

First Sunday of the season.

Oh, yeah.

You and Dad go out and
play rough and tough, right?

Something like that.

Have you ever thought about
it from a duck's point of view?

Frankly, no.

I mean, here's these ducks
with nothing but feathers...

and here's you and Dad
with these horrible guns.

- It seems like a mismatch to me.
- Not the way Dad and I shoot.

Oh. Well, besides, hunting
upsets the ecological balance.

Mary, your attempt to make me feel
guilty is upsetting my ecological balance.

Good. Now imagine if
that razor were a bullet.

Mary, lay off, will you? I admit I have
a pang of guilt about shooting ducks...

but I can live with that better
than I can live with getting up at 3...

so I can wade through
swamps in leaky hip boots.

So why do you do it?

It's a Bradford
family tradition.

So are bad table
manners, talking too much...

and minding everybody
else's business.

Mary.

My wallet's on
the kitchen table.

Do me a favor, take the ten and get
out while I still have some face left.

Happy hunting.

You gonna go to Judy
Pringle's party Saturday night?

If I have the time.

You mean, if you can
miss Starsky and Hutch.

What else do you
do on Saturday night?

I don't know, lots of things.

If you're going, you better get yourself
a date fast. It's already Wednesday.

- Who are you going with?
- Roberta Fraser.

She looks pretty good
since her pimples cleared up.

I was thinking about
asking Wendy Springer.

Wendy Springer?

Shh!

She's right over there.

If I were you, I'd get my act together.
With class like that, you gotta move fast.

I just don't want her to think
I'm over anxious, all right?

Heard Marc Donnelly mouthing
off in gym the other day.

He keeps referring to
Wendy as his girlfriend.

- Marc Donnelly? That twerp?
- Yeah, that twerp.

Move it or else you
might find yourself...

watching Starsky and
Hutch Saturday night.

Hey, Wendy, I just saw Marc
Donnelly, and he wants to see you.

Where?

Thanks.

I can't.

Because I'm grounded.

I missed curfew last
Friday by 48 minutes.

That's less than an hour.

That's practically
almost a half-hour.

Two weeks. And no
time off for good behavior.

I think they're gonna install a time clock.
- Elizabeth!

- Dinner. Come on.
- Okay, okay, I'm coming.

I gotta punch in for dinner.
I'll talk to you later, okay?

I count six.

Well, Nancy has her
cheerleader tryouts tonight.

Why don't you ground
her for missing dinner?

We know where Nancy is.
We didn't know where you were.

- I was eating pizza.
- That's not the point.

The point is that the curfews
around here are a big joke.

Allison Grey has a midnight
and Janet Benson has a 1:00.

- They must feel awful in the morning.
- That's not funny, Daddy.

Nobody has an 11:30 anymore.

It's... It's prehistoric.

Well, when I was 15, I
wasn't even dating yet.

Yeah, well, some of us
got it and some of us don't.

Well, you've got it for
the next two weeks.

I want to know what you're
gonna do about Tommy.

He's got a party Saturday
night, and he's still a kid.

- How'd you find out?
- That you're a kid? That's no secret.

- No, about the party.
- I have my sources.

I also heard a rumor, baby brother,
that you're going to ask Wendy Springer.

Who told you that?

Oh, word gets around.

Have you asked her yet?
I hear she's pretty popular.

Why don't you mind your
own business? I'm not hungry.

All I did was ask a question.

Hey, Tommy, you promised to
show me how to throw a spit-ball.

- I'm busy.
- You don't look busy.

- Yeah, well, I am.
- You promised.

Look, spit on the ball
and throw it, okay?

- Wanna play Monopoly?
- No, I don't want to play Monopoly.

I don't want to play anything.

Hey, you mixed up
with girls or something?

Listen, squirt, you go
play with your sisters...

or by yourself or something,
but leave me alone. You got that?

I'm getting dressed!

Come in.

Nicholas, it's a little
late for baseball, isn't it?

Shouldn't you be in bed?

I want my own room.

Ah. I'm sorry, Nicholas. That's
impossible. That's strictly seniority.

What's wrong, Champ?

Tommy's no fun anymore.

He just looks at the ceiling.

He won't show me
how to throw a spitball...

and he won't play
Monopoly with me, and...

- And what?
- And he's mixed up with girls.

Aw, ha, ha. Come here.

It's only natural that guys get
interested in girls when they get older.

Why? Girls are so yucky.

Yeah, but they stop being yucky
when you get to be Tommy's age.

Why is Tommy being mean to me?

He's going through some
problems of his own now.

Like I did when I
had my tonsils out?

Sort of.

But this isn't the kind of thing
that you can go to a doctor for.

This is the kind of thing that
you have to get better by yourself.

- When's he gonna get better?
- It's hard to say.

You could be a real good brother
now and be especially nice to Tommy.

Like he was to you when you
had your tonsils out, remember?

- He bought you all those lollipops.
- Yeah.

He'll appreciate that, and I guarantee
you he'll be himself again pretty soon.

Okay, Dad.

Well, I hope he gets better soon,
because I'm running out of brothers.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I borrow your Algebra
book? I mean, just till tomorrow?

I'll hit my old man up
for money for a new one.

- I'll get this back to you tomorrow.
- Sure.

Yeah, my kid brother used
mine for paper airplanes.

He can really be a
bummer sometimes.

You know, if you don't lock
things up, he destroys them.

Once he ate my best comic book.

When I used to
read them, that is.

Have you got any brothers?

No, I'm an only child.

Oh, I have five sisters
and two brothers.

My older brother David
is on his own though.

He's a construction worker. You
know, he drives forklifts and things.

Mm. Tha... That
sounds interesting.

Wendy?

Well...

Would you go to Judy Pringle's
party with me Saturday night?

I'd really love to, Tommy, but I
can't exactly give you an answer.

Why not?

Well, Marc Donnelly
wants to go steady.

I haven't exactly
made up my mind yet.

You know, getting tied
down and everything.

But if I do decide to accept...

I really couldn't go to the
party with you, could I?

- No, I guess not.
- You do understand, don't you?

Yeah. Hey, listen,
thanks for the book.

The least you could have
done is told me sooner.

I forgot, honest. I didn't
remember till yesterday.

- And I tried to call you last night.
- That's terrific.

I break a date to go out
with you Saturday night...

and now you tell me you've
got to be in bed by 9:00.

- Alone, so you say.
- Yes, alone.

I've gotta get up at
3:30 in the morning.

Tsk.

Aren't you a little old
for this Boy Scout stuff?

Oh, it's my father. We go every
year. It's like this big thing for him.

Want to know what I think?

- I think you made the whole thing up.
- That's ridiculous, Cindy.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

I bet you've got
something else lined up,

and you just don't
have the guts to tell me.

- Baby, really...
- "Baby" is gonna rip your face off...

if you don't get your
hands off of me this instant.

I hope you get shot by a duck.

- Whoever she is.
- Hey, Cindy.

Ahem. Ahem.

Come in.

Hi.

You.

Hey, listen, I can come
back if you're busy.

Oh, forget it. It's
nothing personal.

Girl problems?

Did you happen to catch
a blond on her way out?

Yeah, she just
about ran me over.

Is she the problem?

I had to break a date
with her for Saturday

night, and she isn't
too thrilled about it.

You don't look too hot
yourself. Something wrong?

Yeah. Girls.

Ah! Welcome to insanity.
You're gonna love it.

Next thing you know,
you'll be going duck hunting.

Tell me, has Dad had his little
facts-of-life talk with you yet?

- No.
- Brace yourself.

Because if it's anything
like the one I got,

it's gonna make
absolutely no sense at all.

That's all right. I already
know all about that stuff anyway.

That won't stop Dad.

He can't resist an
opportunity to editorialize.

Well, my advice to you...

is to just sit
there and listen...

nod your head now and then...

and when he's finished, just say,
"Thanks, Dad, I'll keep that in mind."

Want some?

So, what's the problem?

Don't sweat it, I'll
keep it to myself.

Well, you see, there's
this girl, Wendy Springer...

and she's really
something, and...

Well, I asked her out on a date.

And?

Well, she really didn't say
yes and she didn't say no.

Okay.

Lesson number one. Never
take maybe for an answer.

Be decisive. Say:

"I'm sorry but that answer is
unsatisfactory. It's gotta be yes or no."

What if she says no?

I bet you she says yes.

- A quarter, okay?
- You really think it'll work?

Guarantee it. Come
on, let's get it over with.

Come on.

Do you know the number?

Yeah.

Hello, Wendy, this
is Tommy Bradford.

Yeah, you remember
this afternoon?

Well, I'm sorry, but your
answer was unsatisfactory.

I have to have a yes
or no answer right away.

You will? All right, I'll
pick you up at 7:30. Bye.

She said yes. She said yes!

- Tommy?
- What?

- You owe me a quarter.
- She said yes!

This looks like an
awful messy job.

Why don't you just
send it out to be cleaned?

They put too much
starch in the trigger.

- Guess what. I made cheerleader.
- All right!

I get to go on an overnight with
the basketball team to Fresno.

We leave Saturday morning
and we get back Sunday night.

Wait a minute. Just a
second. Play that back for me.

You're going on an
overnight to Fresno?

Daddy, it's an
official school outing.

Fully chaperoned by Miss
Boyd, our gym teacher.

Well, how old is Miss Boyd?

Daddy, she's
ancient. 45 at least.

I'll bring you the consent
forms to sign later.

Step on the starter

Crank up the lizzie C-E-N-T!

All right, what's on your mind?

Curfew.

- It's gonna be a problem.
- Not to me. I don't have one.

Neither does Tommy, Dad.

And the girl he just
asked out said yes.

I think you better either lay
down the law or repeal it all.

All right, give me a
review of the bidding.

Okay, I'm on discretion,
Joanie's 2:00...

Susan is 1:30, Nancy's
1, and Elizabeth is 11:30.

You know what we have here? You're giving
me a perfect example of the domino theory.

- The domino theory?
- That's right.

Look, if I make Tommy's
curfew too close to Elizabeth's...

we're gonna have
repercussions right down the line.

It's like a chain reaction.

Chain reaction?

The domino theory. Dad,
we aren't talking about politics.

Oh, yes, we are.

The family is a political
unit. It's a monarchy.

It is a benevolent dictatorship.

Yeah, sometimes.

How about 11:00?

Eleven o'clock sounds
fine. Want me to tell him?

Oh, no, no, no, I'll tell him.

It's about time I had my
little chat with Tommy.

Chat about what?

Oh, about the things that
fathers always talk to sons about.

Come in.

- Oh, hi, Dad.
- Hi, Tommy.

- Do you have a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

Good, good. Uh...

Tommy, I've been considering
your curfew for Saturday night...

and I've made a decision.

I... I feel that
11:00 is fair...

because this is, after
all, your first date.

Oh, that's fine.

Good. Uh... Ahem.

Tommy...

do... do you know what
the word puberty means?

It... It is the time in life...

when a young person's body
experiences certain changes.

These changes can
be, uh, very confusing...

because they send
messages to... To the brain...

and this is, uh...

very confusing.

Do you follow me?

Y... Y... You see, men and women
are, are, are constructed differently.

Like cars, they both start out with
the same standard equipment...

four wheels and a motor.

But then of course we
have our various options.

Power steering and,
uh, disc brakes, you see?

Think of it as a dance
of electronic force.

The...

The protons and the neutrons
hovering around each other.

The patterns dictated
by the mores of society.

Now, now, now, sometimes
these protons and neutrons...

will merge in a certain
point in time and space...

and this causes another
form of life known as, as birth.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

It is this wonderful process...

this inexorable dance of
the chromosomes, if you will...

that produces a drive for
civilization to go forward.

Now, without this drive, uh...

where would we be?

Ha, ha. We would be
alone on a barren planet.

A people moving relentlessly...

towards extinction.
Fruitless. Purposeless.

So to sum it all up...

watch yourself Saturday night.

Thanks, Dad, I'll
keep that in mind.

Some of those neutrons
can be pretty gorgeous...

if you know what I mean.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, you're sitting on my car.

- I have a favor to ask you.
- Out with it. I'm late.

Could I have a 10-buck
advance on my allowance?

What? Why do you
need 10 dollars?

There's a basketball on sale.
It's marked down from 15.99.

- Hard to pass up.
- Yeah.

I figure I could take about 50
cents less for the next 20 weeks.

All right. You might as well learn
the realities of deficit financing...

at an early age.

You realize, of course, this will place
you in a very tight cash-flow position...

for the next five months or so.

Oh, I'll manage.

Besides, by the time I pay you this
back, I'll be paying you inflated dollars.

- Who's your broker?
- Thanks, Dad.

I'll have my lawyer
draw up the contract.

Wait a minute, that's
my lunch money.

Last night was the first night
I've seen Tommy walk away...

with food still on the table.

So the human garbage disposal
has finally flipped his gears, huh?

Remember the time when he came
running into the house to wash his hands...

because he accidentally
touched a girl?

Ha, ha, yeah, and
now he's washing

them in the hopes
that he will touch a girl.

I think we all should pitch in and
buy him a book, How to Pick Up Girls.

Yeah, but don't forget Volume Number 2,
What to Do Once You've Picked Them Up.

Tommy used to think girls were just
sissies who couldn't ride boys' bicycles.

- Remember that?
- Yeah.

And remember when you pasted a
picture of Mick Jagger on your mirror...

and you kissed it
every night before bed?

Did not. JOANIE: You sure did.

Yeah, and I remember when
liberated big sister Mary...

didn't come down to earth for five days
because Brad Turner said hello to her.

That's ridiculous.

- Did I do that?
- Yes, you did.

Hey, come on.

I think you're all having a
good time at Tommy's expense...

and forgetting we were all just as silly
when we went through it for the first time.

It's just hard to
imagine Tommy in love.

Yeah, well, nevertheless, let's
lighten up on him a bit, huh?

Joanie, Tommy's
a pretty tough kid.

Nobody's tough the
first time they fall in love.

But I think most guys breeze
right on through the whole thing.

No, that's a front. I mean,
they just don't show it...

because they're not as in touch
with their feelings as women are.

Anyway, it's not most guys
we're talking about, it's Tommy.

He's our brother.

Come on, I think he
deserves better from us.

Hi, can I help you?

I'll take these.

- Are...? Are these for you?
- Yeah.

Are you planning to put
on about 50 pounds? Heh.

I think you'll be
better off with these.

Try them on. Dressing
room's right over there.

Okay. Five, six, seven, eight.

Step on the starter,
crank up the lizzie

Come on, Central,
let's get busy C-E-N-T...

Will somebody get the phone?

R-A-L Yay, Central!

All right, all
right, I'm coming.

Yeah?

No, he's not here.

Hey, can you hold
on a second, please?

Thanks.

Okay, now. "Tommy."

"Wendy Springer can't
make it Saturday night"?

"Marc Donnelly"?

Sorry.

Right. Yeah. I'll
make sure he gets it.

Okay, bye-bye.

Step on the starter,
crank up the lizzie

Come on, Central,
let's get busy.

Hey, not too shabby.

I'm sorry I borrowed
your mirror.

Hey, I wasn't being sarcastic.
I think they're really neat.

Bug off.

Listen, I know I've been
pretty rotten the last few days.

Not just to you.

When you get grounded,
you take it out on the world.

I'm really sorry.

I mean it, Tommy. And I think
the jeans are super, honest.

Do you really think so?

Uh-huh. Now, if we can find the right shirt
to go with them, you'll be a knockout.

Is Wendy Springer
the lucky girl?

I'm impressed. Stand up.

I think this one.

I'm gonna give
you a little hint.

When you take her home...

see if she fumbles around
in her purse for a house key.

If she does, that's the signal that
she wants you to kiss her good night.

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

"Two cups chopped
mushrooms, one cup peapods...

rice wine vinegar to taste."

- Rice wine vinegar to taste?
- What are you doing?

Uh, I'm attempting
moo goo gai pan.

Sounds icky. Look what
I made in school today.

We got our hands
all full of goo.

That's trippy, Nicholas.

Why don't you put it on the bulletin
board so the whole family can see it?

- And then go wash your hands.
- Okay.

You know, if you weren't my
brother, I'd go out with you myself.

- Listen, you want some advice?
- Yeah, sure.

There's this awkward moment on
the doorstep when you take a girl home.

So you've gotta watch for signs that
she wants you to kiss her good night.

Now, if she turns to you and
looks up with her eyes closed...

it's a sure sign that she
wants you to go ahead.

But if she pretends
she's lost her key...

and rummages around
in her purse, forget it.

Thanks.

I'll keep that in mind.

Okay, one
ham-and-Swiss apiece...

one tuna apiece...

and one miscellaneous apiece.

What is a miscellaneous?

Leftover moo goo gai pan.

Listen, I thought we already paid
respects to your Oriental cuisine.

You can always
feed it to the ducks.

What's the use? An hour later, the
ducks will be hungry again. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm ready.

Tommy, you look terrific.

Yes, that basketball you're
wearing is very becoming.

Oh, that.

- Don't forget, 11 p.m. roll call.
- Okay, Dad.

- Bye.
- Bye.

You're an old softy,
you know that?

Huh? Oh... Oh, yeah. Ha, ha.

No, no, no, it's just this women's-lib
thing has me really concerned.

- What?
- I just hope she's gentle with him...

because years from now, when
he talks about this, and he will...

Ouch!

You little rascal.

- Yes?
- Hi, I'm Tommy Bradford.

I came to pick up
Wendy for the party.

- Wendy?
- Yeah.

I think there must be
some misunderstanding.

Wendy left 10 minutes
ago with Marc Donnelly.

Yeah, well, thanks.

Joanie, it's not
even a full hour yet.

Hey, come on, he probably
just lost track of time.

While lost in the arms of
Wendy Springer, no doubt.

No doubt.

Come on, we all missed
curfew once in a while.

Well, let's call the Springers'
and tell him to get home.

And disturb the entire
household? Uh-uh.

Dad wouldn't want him to
walk home at this hour anyway.

Someone will have to go get him.

- I'll go.
- I'll go.

That someone is Dad.

But Dad went to sleep
at 9:00 for a hunting trip.

His son is more important
than a bunch of ducks.

Yeah.

Help me, David.

I'll be there on time.

Okay, back it up over here.

There's nothing
much I can do for you.

Dad. Dad.

- Psst! Wake up.
- Dad, wake up.

Huh? What's the matter?
What? Oh, is it 3:30 already?

No, but it's midnight,
and Tommy's not back yet.

We think he's at
the girl's house.

- You woke me up to tell me that?
- We think you should go get him.

Oh, come on, girls,
have a little pity.

You go, you go. I'll...
I'll go back to sleep.

So what? He broke his curfew.
He went to the girl's house.

I'll deal with it later, when I get back
from my little duck safari, all right?

Good night, good night, good night.
- No.

Dad, we can't go.

Why not? You can
drive, can't you?

Anybody with the slightest
understanding of Freud will tell you...

that three mother
figures do not barge in...

and break up a young
boy's necking session.

That's a good point.

The trauma to his psyche
could be irreversible.

What about the
trauma to my psyche...

which was having pleasant
dreams until a minute ago?

Daddy, come on, it'll be easier
for everyone concerned if you go.

Yeah, everyone except me.

- All right, all right.
- Come on, let's go.

- Upsy-daisy.
- I'm the father, I'll go.

I'm going. Of course, I don't wanna
go. I'm half asleep. I was all asleep.

- You want your slippers?
- I hate this.

I'm going, I'm going. I mean,
where am I? I don't know...

Oh, uh... Good
evening, Mr. Springer.

I'm terribly sorry to
disturb you at this hour.

It's just that my name
is Tom Bradford. I...

Mac, you could be Judge
Crater, and it still won't wash.

No, no. What... No.

What I mean is that my son
Tommy took your daughter, Wendy...

to a party tonight, and
he's still not home yet.

I thought that maybe
he might still be with her.

Mr. Bradford, my daughter
is upstairs in bed, alone...

- and has been for the past hour.
- But...

And furthermore, your son did not take
my daughter to the party this evening.

I suggest you try the
police. They're in the book.

Mr. Spring...

I'm coming.

Tommy. Give me
a break, will you?

Do you have any idea what time it
is? You're gonna wake up the roosters.

Hey. Hey, what's the matter?

Everything.

All right. Come on.

I'll fix you a stiff hot chocolate,
and you can tell me all about it.

It's been over two hours now,
sergeant. We're very concerned.

He went to a party... No.

Do the folks know where you are?

Because it might be a
good idea to call them...

and let them know
where you are...

before they...

put an all-points
bulletin out on you.

It's busy.

No, he is not smoking
pot in some crash pad...

or taking a
joyride in a hot car.

Now, listen, sergeant, you
locate that boy right away...

or you'll be reading about
this in Monday's editorial.

And when I found out she stood me
up, I just couldn't go back and face them.

You know, all those
questions about:

"Did you kiss her good night?
Did you ask her out again?"

So I just walked around for a
couple of hours and went to a movie.

How could she do
something like that?

I mean, the least she
could have done was called.

Women are pretty
weird sometimes.

Hey, Tommy?

I'm gonna tell you something
that I've never told anyone.

And I want you to promise
you won't tell a soul.

Her name was Andrea Romanella,
also known as Andrea Roman-Body.

She was in my plane
geometry class in ninth grade.

Did I have trouble
concentrating on right angles...

with her angles sitting
between me and the blackboard.

Anyway, I finally got the nerve
to ask her to the big school dance.

I had this money I was
saving to buy a ham radio...

and I blew the whole wad on her.

The tickets alone were three
bills apiece. I sprung for a new shirt.

Five bucks worth of corsage.

And there I am, with
an ugly purple corsage...

a spit shine, and a lousy
3-and-a-half-dollar haircut...

standing on Roman
Body's doorstep, and she's...

Well, she's out cruising around with
a bunch of lowriders from the Delta.

Boy, did I feel like
a first-class jerk.

Lowriders from the Delta?

Oh, yeah, in a channeled Riviera
with dice hanging from the mirror...

and the shag carpeting
on the back deck.

It would've gone
perfect with my corsage.

I had the last laugh, though.

I found out later from
a reliable source...

that Andrea owed her Roman body
to strategically stuffed facial tissues.

Hello?

David? What?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, David.

All right, I'll see
you in one hour.

All right. Goodbye.

T... T... Tommy's all
right. He's over at David's.

He's gonna sleep there and
come back here in the morning.

He's okay.

According to David, he just went
to a movie and then he went there.

All right, everybody to bed.

- Let's go.
- I can't be a mother ever.

I can't take it.

Aren't you coming up?

Huh? Oh, well, I mean, I
have to meet David in an hour.

It hardly pays, right?

- Dad, I think you should...
- Don't worry.

David will drive. I'll catch a
few winks on the way up there.

- But David's been up too.
- He's younger than I am.

Hey.

Be careful, both of you.

- Good night, Susan.
- Good night, Daddy.

- Have a good trip.
- Good night, Dad.

Happy duck hunting,
Dad. Quack, quack.

Perhaps the best
place to begin is here...

standing high on Trinidad Head,
overlooking the Humboldt County coast...

where a cold southwest
wind bites the flesh...

and muffles the bell of a lone buoy
bobbing to the eternal rhythm of the sea.

Eggs well, bacon over
easy. Toast is coming up.

- No, don't bother.
- No, no.

They sure give you a lot.

Yeah. It's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

You see, you always have
to eat where truck drivers eat.

They know the best food.

I mean, it's never fancy or anything like
that, but it's always good, hearty food.

Well, I guess I'm
not very hungry.

Oh, I know. I'm
not hungry either.

You know what it is? We
didn't get enough sleep.

Our whole body clock
is completely confused.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

- Can I ask you a straight question?
- Sure, go ahead.

Now, don't take this personally,
but do you really like duck hunting?

Duck hunting?

Well... Ahem.

Listen, duck hunting has been
a... It's been a family tradition.

It's something that we've
been doing for years and years.

It's something that
my father and I...

My father and I...

I guess I could live without it.

Boy, I certainly could.

I mean, it does seem
a little silly, doesn't it?

Getting up at this hour,
go out, shooting ducks.

You mean to say that all these
years you've been doing this for me?

And I thought you
were doing it for me.

All those wet feet
and backaches.

All these awful breakfasts.

Ew... Ah!

I got a great idea.

Let's go to a motel and get
some sleep. Boy, do I need it.

Then we'll do
something we wanna do.

Yeah, how about we
bowl, maybe catch a movie?

You're on. Let's
get out of here.

You're not doing bad, kid.

Rollie Fingers you're not,
but you're making progress.

You really don't
have to drown the ball.

Just a little bit of moisture
artfully applied will do the trick.

Just like finger painting.
A little goo and a lot of art.

Tommy, you feeling better?

Tommy, how come
girls are so much trouble?

Ah, they're not that bad.

It's just something you have
to put up with, like sisters.

You can always just
beat them up, can't you?

No, beating them up
isn't good for anybody.

Why don't you go get some milk?

Hey, Nicholas, did I ever tell
you about old Sally Bookbinder?

No.

You see, there was this girl. Her
name was Sally Bookbinder, see.

She was pretty big and
tough, well, for a girl, anyway...

and she thought she could take care
of every kid on the block, even the guys.

Well, naturally, your old brother
wasn't gonna put up with that...

so I went out to deal with the
situation, and I had on my new sneakers.

Now, I wasn't the
best-looking kid in the class...

but that didn't matter...