Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Weirder Than Normal - full transcript

Thom and Cal have an unexpected experience together. Calvin's sister comes to visit him.

Good morning.

No.

Hi.

He's in the shower?

He's showering?

Yeah, that's pretty normal.

What, after a threesome?

I would say that a shower

is probably what most
people think about.

Thank you.

So, what exactly happened last night?



Seriously?

Well, I can put two and two together.

Well you don't have to 'cause
there was only three of us.

Very funny. I remember the sex part.

I just don't really remember
how we got to the sex part.

I thought we changed our
minds outside of the bar.

No, no, no but then
we changed them back.

- That's the part that's missing.
- Nobody roofied you or anything,

Cal, if that's what you're insinuating.

I wasn't insinuating that I was roofied.

Actually, um, you might
have roofied yourself

with that last round
of shots you bought?

Why do I always do this?

You always do this?



No, Thom, I've obviously
never done this.

It's actually not that obvious?

Come here.

Don't you at least
remember having some fun?

- Actually, yeah.
- Yeah?

- I remember a lot of fun.
- Then stop pouting so much.

- It was fun. We had a...
- Fuck, that's him what do we do?

Um, just freeze 'cause
he can only see movement.

Ah fuck yeah, coffee.

Yeah, sorry we ah don't have

like a hot breakfast or anything.

That's cool.

I think that's my shirt on the counter.

I should probably get going soon anyway.

I have to be at the office in 30.

You work in an office?

Well eventually I want to go pro
with this whole threesome thing

but in the meantime I'm
an executive assistant.

Thanks for a really fun night.

Yeah.

Thank you.

And you.

Thanks.

We should this again sometime.

Yeah, definitely.

What?

"We should this again
sometime." "Yeah, definitely"

Come on, it was fun.

You, you yourself said that
you had a really good time.

Did we even use condoms?

Yeah, like six according
to the trash can.

Great. That's great.

I'm really looking forward
to reading your essay on this.

I'm glad you finally got
that empirical evidence

you've been looking for

that everybody on the planet
is as depraved as you are.

Your mom will be thrilled.

We're not telling my mother.

Relax, she's not talking to me.

She even de-friended me on Facebook.

Well, you broke her heart.

She thought you were the one.

I feel good about this.

Do you not feel good about this?

I dunno know.

You're not going to break
up with me again, are ya?

- Are we dating?
- Yeah.

Is that what this is?

- I think so.
- I should get going too.

And here are my clothes.

Really?

Yeah, Thom.

I should get back to the
apartment that I live in.

Alone.

Well, with the cat.

I do have custody of the cat this week.

I just don't want things to be

weird between us or anything.

Oh, things are definitely weird.

Maybe not any weirder than normal.

So what am I supposed to do?

I think you're supposed
to take a shower.

I've heard that.

And you should probably
wash those sheets.

Hey Kathy, it's me.

I hope you're settling in OK,
and rehearsal is going well.

I'm just calling 'cause I did
something kind of fucking insane

last night and I'm probably
gonna cut my dick off.

No fucking way. Hillary?

Calvin?

I came as soon as I heard!

- Oh my God, are you OK?
- I'm fine.

As soon as you heard what?

About you and Thom!

The devastation!

The lies!

Mom put it in her newsletter!

She did?

It is so fucked up that you
are the one who had to move.

I was so looking forward
to staying in that place.

He is the one that should
have had to move, obviously!

Why would Thom have to move?

We are talking about Thom here!

Hard to make a few extrapolations.

Mom said sent everyone his
essay in France Magazine.

The Paris Review.

They are livid.

Actually, we are dating again.

Mom must have left that part out.

Are we even friends on Facebook?

Calvin, I'm your sister,
we are family on Facebook.

I've just been on a social media
cleanse the last few months.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, it's a real thing.

I moved to Portland by the way.

Fuck, that fucking place,
everyone there is crazy.

I mean I don't mind hipsters, obviously,

but you at least wash your hair!

I mean, what's left of it.

What did... what did you do?!

Everyone there is covered in
dirt and organic coffee grounds

and, and they're liars!

They just lie to you.

Like it's nothing.

You brought a lot of suitcases.

I'm still in love with
him. What is wrong with me?

I don't know.

He kicked me out, isn't that crazy?

Do you think we can get
all this in one trip?

You can't tell Mom I'm here
or that I was in Portland.

She still thinks I'm
doing Teach for America.

I thought you were
doing the Peace corps.

I was going to...

I was thinking about it.

Hillary,

what are you doing here?

I'm visiting you.

You could have called.

Since when do we talk on the phone?

You know what, that is
exactly why I am here.

I don't know you anymore, Calvin!

You used to be my little gay buddy.

Please don't start calling me that shit.

- You used to like it.
- I was five.

I didn't know what it meant.

Calvin, I want to be here
for you in your time of need.

I want to get to know the
big gay man you've become.

For starters, nobody
calls me Calvin ever.

You think you know somebody,

and then they change. Just like that.

Are we still talking about me?

It was awful, Calvin.

It was bad.

It was really bad.

- Come here.
- Should I call him?

- No.
- I should call him.

Do you have anything to drink?

I'm trying to keep that
shit out of the house,

- I'm sorry.
- Why?

'Cause I'm an alcoholic.

- So?
- Yeah. I might have some ginger ale.

Perfect, I've got whiskey.

Nooo, you don't.

I give up!

Shit, I don't have the key.

Another one.

Please.

Are you sure?

It's brunch. I ordered eggs, OK?

You alright, man?

I slept in my car outside
my girlfriend's house.

Why?

Because I was drunk and I'm
responsible and she's a bitch

and then my phone died and I
overslept and now she's gone

and I didn't even get
to say goodbye to her.

Where'd she go?

She's doing the
non-equity tour of CATS.

It's a really great opportunity.

It's on me, buddy.

You're a nice man, Thom.

I try.

- Maybe pour me another one?
- Slow down there, cow!

She's just, she's the worst person.

She's, she's nasty.

Cold. So cold.

She's just the worst.

Hey, eat up.

I bought you extra brunch.

Thank you.

- I'm Ian.
- I'm Jared.

- I'm training.
- He's training.

You're doing great.

Oh, thank you.

So did you guys get into
a fight or something?

No, we didn't.

She did. She got into a fight with me.

I know exactly how eggs feel.

Sorry eggs.

Well, you guys will get through it.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of!

What if she comes back?!
What if this is it?!

What if this is how things
are for the rest of my life?!

Try being gay.

I'm thinkin' about it.

No fucking way.

Excuse me.

Kathy?!

What the hell are you doing here?

- Who's Kathy?
- Sorry. I'm a little drunk.

Did you just mistake
me for another Asian?

Yes...

but not just because you're Asian.

Right.

And this other Asian girl,
is she your Asian girlfriend?

- Tech... technically, no.
- But she used to be?

You like Asians, you
live in Silver Lake.

I get it, you're unique.

Shouldn't you be
wearing vintage glasses?

I'm sorry. I should be...

I'm gonna get back to my eggs.

Why don't you walk me to my car?

Really?

- What are you doing?
- Fetishizing you.

Wait, what's your name?

Lucy Liu.

Lisa Ling.

Sandra Oh.

Oh God!

Where's your friend?

Ian?

He's probably crawled up outside
his girlfriend's apartment

in the fetal position.

Do you know he forgot to pay?

I'll give you a manager's
cut so you can comp it.

Just don't tell anyone.

You're too good to me.

Seriously, you're like the
best trainer that I've had here.

It's your first shift.

You should let me buy
you a drink after work.

You know to say thank
you. And thank you.

- Should I?
- Mmm-hmm.

I'd love to but I'm
meeting my boyfriend.

Aahh, too bad for me.

Well, maybe we could all go
get a drink or something...

later this week?

Yeah.

I just moved here so I'm
basically like always free.

I'm going to put my number in
and that way you can call me.

There you go.

Uh, I'm going to go get back
to my very important job, OK.

Hey.

Hey, I'm drunk.

- That was fast.
- It's not my fault.

Guess who's at my apartment.

Don't tell me Kathy got fired already?

Who hates you more than Kathy?

Ah, your mom?

Who hates you less than my mom?

Oh, it's your sister?!

Thom says hi!

Hi Thom!

Anyway, we should probably talk
about that thing that happened.

I just don't wanna make a
big fucking deal about it.

Why do you we have to make such
a big fucking deal about it?

Because it is a big fucking deal, Thom.

Because things are
changing inexorably, OK.

Inexorably!

OK.

Calvin?!

What if I jumped?

If I just like jumped?

What the fuck would you do?

- I gotta go!
- Cal!

Wow.

Yeah.

Do you mind if smoke?

You got a prescription for that?

Of course.

That's a relief.

Let me guess, stress?

What are you, a cop?

No, I'm a doctor.

Remember, I told you I was a doctor.

- You said that was hot on the uh...
- Right.

I also have a prescription.

Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday.

Glad I got to see you today though.

I was starting to think I was
never going to see you again.

It was not like an
"avoiding you" thing. I..

just been kind of avoiding everybody.

Want to talk about it?

Well, work is boring?

Probably not your work.

You know, saving lives and...

Well, I'm a pediatrician but... sure.

What do you do?

I make furniture

for rich lesbians.

So kind of similar.

I should probably get back to it.

Right.

- I mean, I had fun.
- No.

Don't do me any favors.

Anonymous fun,

even ridiculously good
anonymous fun, is boring.

Call me if you want to get to know me.

Hi sweetie!

Yeah, I was just calling to
tell you I printed out the forms

and I filled them out

so whenever you want to come and get me,

we can go to the
clerk's office together.

Yeah, Jeremy said he'd watch the kids.

I did?

Oh, yeah, it was so cute.

He was like "what can I do to repay you

for letting me stay at your house."

And I was like "watch the kids."

And he was like "Totally!"

He also said he would watch them tonight

if we wanted to go to
a celebration dinner,

and then he said he would
watch them this weekend.

Just because.

Love you too.

But I already watched the kids
while you were at the store!

Congratulations by the way.

Thank you.

Just calling a spade a spade.

It's quiet.

Where are the kids?

Upstairs watching TV.

Jeremy, you know they're

not supposed to watch TV unsupervised.

It melts their brains and
turns them into zombies.

Oh come on.

This is America, you want
them to fit in, right?

Have you been smoking pot?

Just in the guest room.

The kids are upstairs, crazy!

The kids are alright!

They're upstairs
watching TV unsupervised.

It sucks out their brains
and turns them into zombies!

I can't believe you.

You know you're only
supposed to smoke outside.

OK.

What if we had a lemon
tree and a marijuana tree?

Or a guacamole tree?

This is good shit.

It's medicinal.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

What's the diagnosis?

A broken heart?

Really? Don't be mean.

It's been like a year, dude.

I did not know there was
any sort of a deadline.

Well, there is a deadline,
and you're past it.

Just like you're past the deadline

of leaving my house a month ago.

I know, I'm sorry.

And what about those deck chairs

you're supposed to make Amber and Amy?

You like kept putting it off and then -

I got stifled creatively. I told you.

They were deck chairs.

Plan B: lemonade stand.

How much did you pay for this?

- I got a good deal.
- Bullshit, you are out of money.

When life hands you
lemons, get a fucking job.

- Gotta stop drinking.
- Why?

It makes me feel things.

That's what I like about it.

It's like falling off a cliff.

Remember when Mom used

to have her boyfriend
dress up as the repairman

so that she could sneak
him past us in the house?

Jack!

Jack of all trades.

Plumber, woodworker, carpet cleaner.

How often did she need to get
her bathroom sink unclogged?

So you and Thom are dating...

but you are not living together

and this morning you had like a fight...

about the future for no reason?

Yeah, I guess so.

You mean like abstractly?

Sure.

You don't think about the future?

I don't have to.

I just envision the present

and the universe takes
care of the future for me.

That might be why you're homeless.

I'm not homeless. I'm
just figuring things out.

Do you want to know
what happened last night?

- Sure.
- Me, too.

You don't remember?

No.

Oh no.

I remember we were fighting.

Then we weren't fighting.

And then we...

anyway.

I'm drunk.

OK?

Maybe we're just not
meant to be together.

I don't believe in "meant to be."

You know.

You envision your world

and then the universe...
makes it a reality.

I guess I just don't
know what I want us to be.

Who I want to be.

I spent so much time being
half of something, you know.

I don't.

Not really.

I really wish I did though.

It's not that much
fun in the past tense.

This is good, Calvin.

Feeling all of this.

All of it.

I'm glad we're hurting together again.

I should go talk to Thom.

He's probably done with work.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I don't know how to say this.

What?

I want to be with you.

I want us to be together no matter what

and I don't know what
that means right now

but I know that whatever
it means, I want you.

I want you too.

Good.

I didn't know what this was going to be.

I still don't.

Then maybe we can
figure it out together.

Partners then?

Partners.