Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Priscilla - full transcript
Quincy takes Douglas to Palm Springs to celebrate their anniversary. Douglas feels tired with his drag queen career and wants to make some changes in his life.
-Hey!
-[driver] Car trouble, miss?
Hey, I think
my alternator is busted.
Can you give me a ride
to the nearest service station?
Are you kidding me?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you motherfucker!
Fuck! Fuck!
Ugh! Damn it!
I thought that was
going to work!
This is why
I don't do day drag!
Well, it's day time
and you are in drag.
Yeah, for the gig later!
It's not drag
until you get paid.
Well, what is this,
recreational cross-dressing?
I'm calling the number
on the back of his van
and telling them that he's
a homotransphobic asshole!
-There's no reception.
-I know!
Well, yelling
is not going to help reception
because you're the one
that got us lost in
the middle of the desert.
Well, why'd you trust
a woman to drive?
So stupid, I don't even
care about this gig.
Somebody is going
to come along.
Nobody is going to come.
They didn't come when
you showed them your cankle.
They didn't stop
when I pushed my tits together.
That's because
nobody in this desert
has a sense of humor!
-So fucking dumb.
-I don't have cankles!
Oh! What's dumb?
This stupid gig in the middle
of fucking nowhere
at a fucking gay bar.
-It's Palm Springs.
-It's other desert cites!
-Well...
-It's an hour away
from Palm springs!
We're going sit by the pool
and have pina coladas.
They booked us
at an off-brand motel six.
Well, you can
still sit by the pool
and have pina coladas,
so why don't you
keep it together,
keep your makeup together
because someone is going
to come by and you're going
to make your gig!
[groaning]
-I don't want to go
to the gig right now!
-I worked really hard for you,
I pitched you,
I vouched for you,
you're being a child.
-Oh, now I'm
Jon Benet Ramsey, okay.
-That's terrible.
-You should have gone
with Honey Boo Boo.
-Too soon.
You know what,
I am your manager,
so just let me manage you.
Listen, that bitch
Theresa at Starbucks
couldn't manage me
when I worked there,
and neither can you.
You're not half the man she was.
That's true.
Maybe I don't need
a manager right now,
maybe I need a boyfriend.
Could you maybe put on your
boyfriend panties and listen
to me because I'm not happy?
-About what?
-About this shituation.
I love being here
in a broken-down car
with my boyfriend
looking like Britney Spears when
she started her Vegas Show.
-Listen, she looks fine now.
-I don't even know
what you are saying, babe.
What I'm saying is
I don't need a manager
at this moment.
Okay, well, good.
I put on my boyfriend panties
already, we're done.
Well, maybe I don't
need a manager at all!
You totally need one,
you're totally unorganized,
you're always high,
and you have no ambition.
What I'm trying to say is
maybe I don't need you
as my manager at this point.
Are you even being
serious, right now?
The amount of time
and effort... I practically
created Amber Alert.
-Are you kidding me?
-Yup.
Amber Alert is my missing baby.
Uh, tell me how many gigs
you've gotten without me?
-I host porno karaoke
every week.
-For tips!
I don't even want
to do this right now!
-Uh, what, drag?
-No, this relationship!
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
-I'm ridiculous?
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Goodbye, Priscilla.
-Okay, I'm ridiculous!
-There she goes,
Priscilla, off into the desert.
My emotions are ridiculous,
my makeup's ridiculous,
my incredible body
is ridiculous.
All right, now you're just
wasting good chicken.
Food for the jackals.
-Hey, come here.
-What?
Hey, what's going on with you?
This is just not who
I was supposed to be.
Well, what do you mean?
You think growing up
you have all these big dreams,
big things and they just keep
getting smaller and smaller.
And headlining a gay bar
on a Tuesday in the desert
was never one of those dreams.
I know. Of course not.
That sounds totally depressing,
but it's just a stepping stone.
You throw parties with gogo boys
dressed as a sad clown
and manage a busted queen.
Is that what you thought
you were going
to be doing at 50?
No, and I'm 40,
but I like doing it with you.
Now you look like
the eyes of Tammy Faye.
Don't make fun of the dead.
But Jon Benet Ramsey
is fair game?
I don't know if I want to be
Amber Alert any more.
I don't know if I want
to be a drag queen.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Probably drag
but, like, on YouTube,
or standup, or tutorials.
I can help you with that,
or I cannot.
Whatever you want.
Thank you.
Will you still work the door
if we do parties, though?
[Douglas] Hmm.
-Because I love
having you around.
-Thank you.
Wait, watch my lips.
Miss, are you all right?
-Yeah.
-All right, let me
do the talking.
Is this man hurting you?
No, our car broke down,
and I just been having emotions.
Are you sure that's all this is?
-Yeah, I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry too.
Just...
["Who Knows" by Beginners plays]
♪ We could both be stars
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ We could fall apart
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ Who knows ♪
[sighs]
-They said it's going take
a couple of days to fix it.
-[sighs in exasperation]
Well, I'll just take an Uber
to Cathedral City,
said every meth addict ever.
How do I look?
Like a meth addict on his way
to Cathedral City.
-Well, that's the look.
-Yeah?
-Where's the bathroom?
-Down this dark alley.
Here, makeup wipes.
Yes, I carry them on me.
What are you, my bag man?
Can I call you Mr. Baggy?
Shut up, just go clean
your filthy face,
Madam President.
I don't want to, I'll just
sweat it off. I'll do it
when I get to the gig.
No, you won't.
Why not?
They can't fire me, I'm trans.
-I-- You're not trans.
-Yes, I am. Prove it!
Okay, technically,
there isn't a gig.
What? Of course there is a gig,
life is a gig and then you die.
That's really...
Did you write that?
-Life is like a box of gigs.
-All right,
stop there, listen...
This was an elaborate scheme to
get you to come to Palm Springs
for our anniversary.
-What?
-Anna Versary.
She's a rival drag queen,
we're going kill her
and take her wigs.
-No, I'm-- Our anniversary.
-We get one of those?
-Yeah, thanks
to the Supreme Court.
-Thanks Obama.
I mean, enjoy it while it lasts.
Our rights can be taken away...
Girl, too dark,
it's our anniversary.
What if I change
my name to Anna Versary
on our anniversary?
-I like Amber Alert.
-Too late. I already changed
it to Elizabeth Fissure...
How dare you not
remember our anniversary?
How dare you!
I do remember our anniversary.
I got you this wrench.
[moaning]
-It's butch.
-I know.
I got a house.
-What?
-It's got a pool.
-What, pool gigs?
-All weekend.
-Where?
-That's a tire iron.
Who's paying?
-It's a friend of a friend,
it's off season
and it's because you deserve it.
Can I get some love?
Yes.
Happy anniversary!
-Happy anniversary!
-Yes us! Let's go.
-Here, I like a challenge.
-[grunts]
And that's about it,
the pool should be heated,
the hot tub is heated,
obviously. It just takes
a while for it to get hot,
so just turn it on
like 30 minutes before
you're going to get in.
Uh, there's a pool boy,
his name is Cheyenne
and he'll be here...
Yeah, he's cute,
he'll be here this afternoon
to clean out any bugs or debris.
-And oh, here are your keys.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-The place is amazing.
-Wow!
-Thank you very much, thank you.
Feel free to come by and lounge
by the pool, naked.
-What?
-He's kidding.
Oh, that's funny. No.
I'm gonna be nearby though,
if you need me for anything.
Oh, actually, one more thing.
You can have overnight guests,
but you can't have parties.
No loud music, or quiet music,
or loud talking,
or quiet talking
by the pool at night time.
Palm Springs has
an amplified music law
and they will ticket you.
I'm being very serious
right now. Okay?
They will come by
with a decibel reader,
they'll measure
how loud you are,
and if you are
over a certain amount,
they will ticket you.
Yeah.
But I want you to have fun.
Oh, actually,
smart phones and laptops
count as amplified music.
Just FYI.
But acoustic guitars don't.
I think a lesbian
put that in the bill.
-What was your name again?
-Um... It's Kevin.
So, you'll be lounging
by the pool naked
some of the time, Kevin?
-I'm not going to do that.
-She's being funny.
That's funny.
You look so
familiar to me, is it?
Do we have any do we...
-Yeah, you look
familiar to me too.
-Yeah, right.
Yeah. I--
I'm a-- I work in WeHo,
at an STD clinic.
-That's it.
-Oh! You're a doctor.
Everybody likes going to you.
We're party promoters
so they come to me,
and I send them to you.
Thank you for the business.
Spread it around.
-You know gonorrhea?
-Yeah.
Is becoming incurable.
-All right.
-It's unspellable.
Well, if you have any questions,
feel free to call me,
and I left a bottle
of cava in the fridge.
-So, enjoy that.
-Score, thanks.
Careful, don't touch
these walls, there're
pecky cypress.
They absorb oils.
This is cork.
What the fuck is cava?
["Free To Love"
by Brendan Maclean plays]
♪ Real, if anything
You're real ♪
♪ Invite me to your castle ♪
♪ Will you show me
Your way, way, way ♪
♪ Lost like a little kid
Chasing a red balloon ♪
♪ I can't keep up with you ♪
♪ And I can't get enough
'Nough, 'nough ♪
-Hi!
-Hey.
Fifty bucks
if you put on a Speedo.
-$150.
-$30.
All right.
Happy anniversary.
♪ You're giving me attitude ♪
♪ It's making me follow you ♪
♪ If heaven's gonna
Feel this good ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ You and me, oh, baby
So casual ♪
♪ Sweet talk
It won't change me ♪
♪ It's physical ♪
♪ Light this fuse I'm playing ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ Free to love
Free to love ♪
♪ Free to love
Free to love ♪
♪ Free to love ♪
♪ And you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
Hi!
Hey, it's me.
God, it's so hot out,
but I am the skinniest
person by the pool,
because I'm the only
person by the pool.
Shut up, tell me everything.
Calm down, the Manniversary
isn't until this weekend.
Oh fuck! I'm sorry
I can't come.
Yes, it's okay, I know
you're doing the Lord's
work over at Cats.
Meow. God,
I am so fucking sick
of this shit, Quincy,
like, you don't even
know, like, I'm having
nightmares about cats.
-Yeah?
-It's like cat paws, like in my
mouth, like on my face. Ugh!
-Uh-huh.
-I'm like deathly allergic
to cats, did you know that?
-Oh, really? Wow!
-Yeah, you know,
my mom got me a cat
when I was little and I had
to go to the emergency room
with ocular hemorrhaging.
-Ugh! Gross, that's disgusting.
-[Kathy] I know.
I'll send you a picture.
No, don't, 'cause
we're talking about me,
my favorite subject.
We should be talking
about pictures of me,
I'm freaking out... Wait!
[moans]
-Oh, still here.
-Right. Oh, okay.
So what are you
going to do, you going
to bake it in a cupcake?
Douglas doesn't
really do solids.
Okay, drop it in
a glass of champagne?
He'll guzzle it down.
Slip it in him while you...
[moaning and mewing]
Oh, he'll never
find it there, trust me.
Ew! Do you know
that the other night
I dreamed that I was
a cat, like, inside of
a giant litter box?
The more I dug deeper
in the litter,
-the more of a cat I could...
-I can't breathe.
I know it's so gross,
like, a cat litter smells
worse than shit...
God! No, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe
because I don't know
if I should be doing this. I...
Do I not want to do this?
Well, I don't know,
just, like, relax.
Like, isn't like not doing it,
the easier part?
[sighs] I think it's easier
to just do it, you know,
unless they really don't look
like their photos, then
I'm like, honestly... Um,
well, no actually, I'll do it.
I get that, I think.
Oh, he's coming.
Bye to you. I'm saying
bye to you. Okay, bye.
[Douglas] Oh...
Oh...
What is this robe?
That's not from Forever 21.
-It's a kaftan.
-It's a mumu.
I got it out of
the guest bedroom closet.
Where did you get your Speedo,
Lame Bryant?
Oh...
[gasps]
You know, I like this,
just me and you, spending
time together alone.
I sort of maybe invited
some people over for
a pool party on the weekend.
-No.
-Yes.
-Not Kathy.
-No, absolutely not,
she's on tour.
-Um, Hillary, Ian.
-Great, straight people.
Yeah.
It'll be nice
to see friends, right?
-Yeah, but not till the weekend.
-That's right.
Three whole days
in Palm Springs,
what are we going do?
Um, we're going to sit here,
drink, and have sex.
-That'll work, come on.
-Great.
All right, I'm going to insert
my penis into, what do you
want to call it this time?
-[Douglas] Booboo kitty.
-Booboo!
[Douglas] Hmm...
[dog barking]
It's so quiet.
-Is this what deaf feels like?
-I don't know.
-Isn't it nice to just relax?
-Hmm.
-I feel like
we're hustling all the time.
-All the time.
I mean, look at us,
we're home at night.
Nobody's putting dollar bills
in my panties
or throwing up on my pumps.
Or puking on my panties,
‘cause that happened too.
-Remember?
-Yeah, that was great night.
-That was your
best set, actually.
-On fire.
[sighs]
You really hate
doing drag, don't you?
Uh-uh. No! I love doing drag
and I'm really good at it.
I just hate doing drag
at shit parties where people
treat us like shit.
-We throw those parties.
-Yeah, I know.
It's a conflict of interest.
Well, what are you gonna do?
YouTube! You never listen.
That's not a real job... Yet.
Well, I can become
an influencer.
Uh, getting free gay underwear
does not make you an influencer.
Tell that to every faggot
at the Abbey.
Okay, so you have
a YouTube channel, you're
getting free gay underwear...
-Hmm.
-...and then what, profit?
Yeah, I don't know.
It just looked so different
in the movies growing up,
like those drag queens
that stole a car in
Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.
They look like
they're having so much fun.
And then those other fags
from To Wong Foo
but they're probably dead now.
But they had fun, I think.
What are we gonna do
the rest of our lives?
I'm like 30.
[sighing deeply]
God.
-You're 36, babe.
-I said, like.
-I'm 41.
-48.
-Minus 7, 41.
-Okay, daddy.
I don't like that.
-What? Math?
-No.
-You know what I don't like?
-Facts.
-No.
-48?
-Your waist or your age?
-Oh!
-You're going in the pool.
-No.
-You're going in the pool.
-No!
[talking indistinctly]
We should start a small business
or something.
Like what?
-I don't know. Fashion.
-Well, that's a good plan.
Yeah, I can design things
and you sell them.
I don't know how to sell clothes
and you cannot sew a button.
You got any better ideas,
Tim Gunns?
Yeah, I'm gonna sell your ass
to the doughnut shop.
-That shop closed.
-Okay, well,
we'll do it on Craigslist.
Speaking of Craigslist,
where's that Kevin?
I'll do him pro boner
and the pool boy.
-Yeah, all right.
What's that about?
-What?
-They're hot
and I wanna bang them.
-Excuse me.
-And his pool boy.
-Okay.
-What, you don't
wanna bang them?
-No, I do. I--
Relax, I'm not actually
gonna bang them.
-Unless he writes me
back on Scruff.
-I--
-You're permanently
banned from Scruff.
-You just get a new IP address.
I feel like you're being silly
but also you're kind of sort of
trying to tell me something.
No, I'm just like thinking
you shouldn't be all boyfriendy
-and uptight about me
wanting to bang some dude.
-Okay, cool.
So you want an open
relationship, a YouTube channel,
and a fashion line.
-Is that it? I got it all?
-I don't know.
I think I wanna make
some margaritas, though.
All right. I don't know why
you're trying to ruin
this pool experience for me.
-What, you don't
want margaritas?
-Yes, I want a margarita.
Too bad.
-I want a margarita!
-Don't be loud at the pool.
I'll call Kevin.
-Hi.
-[Ian] Quincy?
Hey, did Hillary,
um, get the invite?
Because she didn't RSVP.
Of course she didn't,
but she did tell me about it,
so I assume
that means we are coming.
All right. Good, good.
What's up?
You know life, work.
Hillary moved in, so,
you guys should
come by sometime.
-We're making kombucha.
-Responsibilities, right?
-Oh...
-[Ian] What's up with you?
Oh, you know life,
Palm Springs, art deco,
mid-century modern.
Just living my life. Well,
I'm living somebody else's life,
I don't even have
a fucking life.
I don't have a fucking life
because for some reason
I'm keeping what?
I'm keeping Douglas
from YouTube infamy
or something like that?
I don't understand,
is that a gay thing?
[sighs in frustration] Cathy's
got a matinee, Cal's going
straight to voicemail,
-and I don't want
advice from Hillary.
-[Ian] You want advice?
Oh yeah. Right, yeah,
I want advice from
a straight person.
You're just gonna tell me
to go get a minivan.
-Wait, what?
-[Quincy] Come on, you were
thinking it, weren't you?
Just tell me this,
when she's at her most,
Hillary, what do you do?
You just gotta wait it out,
find yourself a good
place to hide...
I spend a lot of my time
underneath the stairs.
Oh, that's literally
what I'm doing.
I'm hiding right now.
I probably need a better spot.
I'm in a tiny little cocoon
in the cutest little romper.
Uh, try in the garage
behind the car.
-We'll see you this weekend.
-Well, stay tuned.
-[Ian] You mean...
-No, I'm just kidding. It's all
gonna end up all right. Bye.
Oh, fuck.
Hey! You look like
you're having a day.
Yes.
Don't worry, man.
It'll get better.
You're 13 years old.
-Can I have some coke?
-Oh, my God. Of course!
No! Don't give him any coke
until he loses the trunks.
Oh, the demon is here!
You shall not pass!
-We need to talk.
-We're having fun.
-I better go.
-Hmm.
Round 22.
Uh, ding, ding, ding, bitch.
-Come on!
-Where's my margarita?
[groans] I hope I don't
have to put out for this.
♪ We could fall in love
Who knows ♪
♪ We could love it all
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ Who knows ♪
-Get off me I'm hot.
-[Quincy grunts and moans]
Put your leg... Oh, God.
[moans and grunts loudly]
Oh, wow!
Wow, wow! I forgive you.
[sighs]
I know.
[sighs in satisfaction]
Phew! You ever think
about having kids?
Not right now, considering,
they're leaking out of me.
Seriously, like raising them
or having them.
Why, so we can make
more gay people?
No, we're gonna teach them
football and how to wear
baseball caps and bang girls.
And all the things we didn't
have when we grew up.
Well, I was raised Pentecostal,
so it'd be nice to give them
like, a real religion.
-We can make our own religion.
-That sounds like a lot work.
Greek Orthodox?
That sounds legit enough.
But no. Uh-uh, I don't...
I don't think about kids
in a paternal way,
or a sexual way,
or a sexually paternal way.
Well...
Even down the line.
Um, later?
Yeah, I mean, we can think
about talking about having
kids down the line, but...
Hmm.
Maybe we should get jobs first
and like, a cat.
Hmm. Oh, God, no. What?
-You don't want a cat?
-No, I don't want a cat.
-Oh, I want cats. Plural.
-No cats.
I want full on
Andrew Lloyd Weber
fantasy suite of cats.
-Cats, cats, Thundercats.
-Hmm-mm.
-Um, I want to come down
to the kitchen for breakfast...
-No!
and just have all those cats
swarm me like that
Russian lady from YouTube.
Oh, is that what
your YouTube channel
is gonna be about?
Yeah, cat and some politics.
I'm working on
Kelly Ann Conway. Ooh!
-Cats and impressions,
that's good.
-Yeah.
Uh, I mean,
would we get married
if we had a cat?
Well, I mean we wouldn't
want the wayward puss to
come from a broken home.
-Right. Just saying--
-I mean...
The cats could be
like, the ring bearers
in the wedding.
There's two rings,
so we would need
two cats to do it.
Oh, what's my--
[mutters]
Honestly, I don't
like my life enough
to bring a kid into it.
That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, I'm just being honest.
I need to make some changes.
I need to change shit up,
figure shit out.
How are you going
to change your life?
What does that mean?
I don't know,
but I've done it before
and I can do it again.
I got out of Tennessee
and I became... me,
and... I can become whoever
I'm supposed to be.
I just don't understand
why you seem to
just hate yourself.
Well, I don't understand
why you love me.
I mean, I get it.
All this. But...
growing up, I was...
pretty sure, I was gonna
be alone in my whole life.
And that was that
and I was okay with that,
but I'm not okay
with that any more, and...
that scares me.
Sometimes being scared
is a good thing.
I know, I guess, whatever.
It's just...
It's new to me,
and all the scared,
all the time and...
Douglas...
I like being scared
with you, and of you.
Just hold on one second.
My lubes over there.
Hey, what the fuck was that?
Is someone at the fucking door?
-Don't answer it.
No, the hills have eyes!
-Come on!
No, I'd rather die in bed.
Oh, goddamit!
[Hillary] Hello!
-It's Hillary!
-[Quincy chuckles]
[sings] Happy Manniversary!
Hey, Quincy.
Douglas, nice statue.
Thank you...
Hi. Oh, get off me.
-Uh, what are you doing?
-We're here for the party.
-Sorry, that we're late.
-It's Friday.
-Yeah, it's Friday.
-The party's Saturday.
What party?
-Uh, the engagement party.
-Good friends. Our friends,
uh, they're down the street,
we just thought we'd say hi.
We're going.
Engagement party?
[exhales]
[sighs]
[gasps]
Sure, but you have to get down
on one knee.
["Free to Love"
by Brendan Maclean plays]
♪ Real, if anything
You're real ♪
-Douglas, will--
-Mine.
Aw...
♪ Will you show me
Your way, way, way ♪
Yes! Perfect!
♪ Lost like a little kid
Chasing a red balloon ♪
The guest room's over there.
-Come on!
-[Hillary sighs]
♪ And I can't get enough
'Nough, 'nough ♪
♪ You're giving me attitude ♪
♪ It's making me follow you ♪
♪ If heaven's gonna
Feel this good ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ You and me, oh, baby
So casual ♪
♪ Sweet talk
It won't change me ♪
♪ It's physical ♪
♪ Light this fuse I'm playing ♪
♪ And you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
-[driver] Car trouble, miss?
Hey, I think
my alternator is busted.
Can you give me a ride
to the nearest service station?
Are you kidding me?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you motherfucker!
Fuck! Fuck!
Ugh! Damn it!
I thought that was
going to work!
This is why
I don't do day drag!
Well, it's day time
and you are in drag.
Yeah, for the gig later!
It's not drag
until you get paid.
Well, what is this,
recreational cross-dressing?
I'm calling the number
on the back of his van
and telling them that he's
a homotransphobic asshole!
-There's no reception.
-I know!
Well, yelling
is not going to help reception
because you're the one
that got us lost in
the middle of the desert.
Well, why'd you trust
a woman to drive?
So stupid, I don't even
care about this gig.
Somebody is going
to come along.
Nobody is going to come.
They didn't come when
you showed them your cankle.
They didn't stop
when I pushed my tits together.
That's because
nobody in this desert
has a sense of humor!
-So fucking dumb.
-I don't have cankles!
Oh! What's dumb?
This stupid gig in the middle
of fucking nowhere
at a fucking gay bar.
-It's Palm Springs.
-It's other desert cites!
-Well...
-It's an hour away
from Palm springs!
We're going sit by the pool
and have pina coladas.
They booked us
at an off-brand motel six.
Well, you can
still sit by the pool
and have pina coladas,
so why don't you
keep it together,
keep your makeup together
because someone is going
to come by and you're going
to make your gig!
[groaning]
-I don't want to go
to the gig right now!
-I worked really hard for you,
I pitched you,
I vouched for you,
you're being a child.
-Oh, now I'm
Jon Benet Ramsey, okay.
-That's terrible.
-You should have gone
with Honey Boo Boo.
-Too soon.
You know what,
I am your manager,
so just let me manage you.
Listen, that bitch
Theresa at Starbucks
couldn't manage me
when I worked there,
and neither can you.
You're not half the man she was.
That's true.
Maybe I don't need
a manager right now,
maybe I need a boyfriend.
Could you maybe put on your
boyfriend panties and listen
to me because I'm not happy?
-About what?
-About this shituation.
I love being here
in a broken-down car
with my boyfriend
looking like Britney Spears when
she started her Vegas Show.
-Listen, she looks fine now.
-I don't even know
what you are saying, babe.
What I'm saying is
I don't need a manager
at this moment.
Okay, well, good.
I put on my boyfriend panties
already, we're done.
Well, maybe I don't
need a manager at all!
You totally need one,
you're totally unorganized,
you're always high,
and you have no ambition.
What I'm trying to say is
maybe I don't need you
as my manager at this point.
Are you even being
serious, right now?
The amount of time
and effort... I practically
created Amber Alert.
-Are you kidding me?
-Yup.
Amber Alert is my missing baby.
Uh, tell me how many gigs
you've gotten without me?
-I host porno karaoke
every week.
-For tips!
I don't even want
to do this right now!
-Uh, what, drag?
-No, this relationship!
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
-I'm ridiculous?
-Yes.
-Okay.
-Goodbye, Priscilla.
-Okay, I'm ridiculous!
-There she goes,
Priscilla, off into the desert.
My emotions are ridiculous,
my makeup's ridiculous,
my incredible body
is ridiculous.
All right, now you're just
wasting good chicken.
Food for the jackals.
-Hey, come here.
-What?
Hey, what's going on with you?
This is just not who
I was supposed to be.
Well, what do you mean?
You think growing up
you have all these big dreams,
big things and they just keep
getting smaller and smaller.
And headlining a gay bar
on a Tuesday in the desert
was never one of those dreams.
I know. Of course not.
That sounds totally depressing,
but it's just a stepping stone.
You throw parties with gogo boys
dressed as a sad clown
and manage a busted queen.
Is that what you thought
you were going
to be doing at 50?
No, and I'm 40,
but I like doing it with you.
Now you look like
the eyes of Tammy Faye.
Don't make fun of the dead.
But Jon Benet Ramsey
is fair game?
I don't know if I want to be
Amber Alert any more.
I don't know if I want
to be a drag queen.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Probably drag
but, like, on YouTube,
or standup, or tutorials.
I can help you with that,
or I cannot.
Whatever you want.
Thank you.
Will you still work the door
if we do parties, though?
[Douglas] Hmm.
-Because I love
having you around.
-Thank you.
Wait, watch my lips.
Miss, are you all right?
-Yeah.
-All right, let me
do the talking.
Is this man hurting you?
No, our car broke down,
and I just been having emotions.
Are you sure that's all this is?
-Yeah, I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry too.
Just...
["Who Knows" by Beginners plays]
♪ We could both be stars
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ We could fall apart
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ Who knows ♪
[sighs]
-They said it's going take
a couple of days to fix it.
-[sighs in exasperation]
Well, I'll just take an Uber
to Cathedral City,
said every meth addict ever.
How do I look?
Like a meth addict on his way
to Cathedral City.
-Well, that's the look.
-Yeah?
-Where's the bathroom?
-Down this dark alley.
Here, makeup wipes.
Yes, I carry them on me.
What are you, my bag man?
Can I call you Mr. Baggy?
Shut up, just go clean
your filthy face,
Madam President.
I don't want to, I'll just
sweat it off. I'll do it
when I get to the gig.
No, you won't.
Why not?
They can't fire me, I'm trans.
-I-- You're not trans.
-Yes, I am. Prove it!
Okay, technically,
there isn't a gig.
What? Of course there is a gig,
life is a gig and then you die.
That's really...
Did you write that?
-Life is like a box of gigs.
-All right,
stop there, listen...
This was an elaborate scheme to
get you to come to Palm Springs
for our anniversary.
-What?
-Anna Versary.
She's a rival drag queen,
we're going kill her
and take her wigs.
-No, I'm-- Our anniversary.
-We get one of those?
-Yeah, thanks
to the Supreme Court.
-Thanks Obama.
I mean, enjoy it while it lasts.
Our rights can be taken away...
Girl, too dark,
it's our anniversary.
What if I change
my name to Anna Versary
on our anniversary?
-I like Amber Alert.
-Too late. I already changed
it to Elizabeth Fissure...
How dare you not
remember our anniversary?
How dare you!
I do remember our anniversary.
I got you this wrench.
[moaning]
-It's butch.
-I know.
I got a house.
-What?
-It's got a pool.
-What, pool gigs?
-All weekend.
-Where?
-That's a tire iron.
Who's paying?
-It's a friend of a friend,
it's off season
and it's because you deserve it.
Can I get some love?
Yes.
Happy anniversary!
-Happy anniversary!
-Yes us! Let's go.
-Here, I like a challenge.
-[grunts]
And that's about it,
the pool should be heated,
the hot tub is heated,
obviously. It just takes
a while for it to get hot,
so just turn it on
like 30 minutes before
you're going to get in.
Uh, there's a pool boy,
his name is Cheyenne
and he'll be here...
Yeah, he's cute,
he'll be here this afternoon
to clean out any bugs or debris.
-And oh, here are your keys.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-The place is amazing.
-Wow!
-Thank you very much, thank you.
Feel free to come by and lounge
by the pool, naked.
-What?
-He's kidding.
Oh, that's funny. No.
I'm gonna be nearby though,
if you need me for anything.
Oh, actually, one more thing.
You can have overnight guests,
but you can't have parties.
No loud music, or quiet music,
or loud talking,
or quiet talking
by the pool at night time.
Palm Springs has
an amplified music law
and they will ticket you.
I'm being very serious
right now. Okay?
They will come by
with a decibel reader,
they'll measure
how loud you are,
and if you are
over a certain amount,
they will ticket you.
Yeah.
But I want you to have fun.
Oh, actually,
smart phones and laptops
count as amplified music.
Just FYI.
But acoustic guitars don't.
I think a lesbian
put that in the bill.
-What was your name again?
-Um... It's Kevin.
So, you'll be lounging
by the pool naked
some of the time, Kevin?
-I'm not going to do that.
-She's being funny.
That's funny.
You look so
familiar to me, is it?
Do we have any do we...
-Yeah, you look
familiar to me too.
-Yeah, right.
Yeah. I--
I'm a-- I work in WeHo,
at an STD clinic.
-That's it.
-Oh! You're a doctor.
Everybody likes going to you.
We're party promoters
so they come to me,
and I send them to you.
Thank you for the business.
Spread it around.
-You know gonorrhea?
-Yeah.
Is becoming incurable.
-All right.
-It's unspellable.
Well, if you have any questions,
feel free to call me,
and I left a bottle
of cava in the fridge.
-So, enjoy that.
-Score, thanks.
Careful, don't touch
these walls, there're
pecky cypress.
They absorb oils.
This is cork.
What the fuck is cava?
["Free To Love"
by Brendan Maclean plays]
♪ Real, if anything
You're real ♪
♪ Invite me to your castle ♪
♪ Will you show me
Your way, way, way ♪
♪ Lost like a little kid
Chasing a red balloon ♪
♪ I can't keep up with you ♪
♪ And I can't get enough
'Nough, 'nough ♪
-Hi!
-Hey.
Fifty bucks
if you put on a Speedo.
-$150.
-$30.
All right.
Happy anniversary.
♪ You're giving me attitude ♪
♪ It's making me follow you ♪
♪ If heaven's gonna
Feel this good ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ You and me, oh, baby
So casual ♪
♪ Sweet talk
It won't change me ♪
♪ It's physical ♪
♪ Light this fuse I'm playing ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ Free to love
Free to love ♪
♪ Free to love
Free to love ♪
♪ Free to love ♪
♪ And you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
Hi!
Hey, it's me.
God, it's so hot out,
but I am the skinniest
person by the pool,
because I'm the only
person by the pool.
Shut up, tell me everything.
Calm down, the Manniversary
isn't until this weekend.
Oh fuck! I'm sorry
I can't come.
Yes, it's okay, I know
you're doing the Lord's
work over at Cats.
Meow. God,
I am so fucking sick
of this shit, Quincy,
like, you don't even
know, like, I'm having
nightmares about cats.
-Yeah?
-It's like cat paws, like in my
mouth, like on my face. Ugh!
-Uh-huh.
-I'm like deathly allergic
to cats, did you know that?
-Oh, really? Wow!
-Yeah, you know,
my mom got me a cat
when I was little and I had
to go to the emergency room
with ocular hemorrhaging.
-Ugh! Gross, that's disgusting.
-[Kathy] I know.
I'll send you a picture.
No, don't, 'cause
we're talking about me,
my favorite subject.
We should be talking
about pictures of me,
I'm freaking out... Wait!
[moans]
-Oh, still here.
-Right. Oh, okay.
So what are you
going to do, you going
to bake it in a cupcake?
Douglas doesn't
really do solids.
Okay, drop it in
a glass of champagne?
He'll guzzle it down.
Slip it in him while you...
[moaning and mewing]
Oh, he'll never
find it there, trust me.
Ew! Do you know
that the other night
I dreamed that I was
a cat, like, inside of
a giant litter box?
The more I dug deeper
in the litter,
-the more of a cat I could...
-I can't breathe.
I know it's so gross,
like, a cat litter smells
worse than shit...
God! No, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe
because I don't know
if I should be doing this. I...
Do I not want to do this?
Well, I don't know,
just, like, relax.
Like, isn't like not doing it,
the easier part?
[sighs] I think it's easier
to just do it, you know,
unless they really don't look
like their photos, then
I'm like, honestly... Um,
well, no actually, I'll do it.
I get that, I think.
Oh, he's coming.
Bye to you. I'm saying
bye to you. Okay, bye.
[Douglas] Oh...
Oh...
What is this robe?
That's not from Forever 21.
-It's a kaftan.
-It's a mumu.
I got it out of
the guest bedroom closet.
Where did you get your Speedo,
Lame Bryant?
Oh...
[gasps]
You know, I like this,
just me and you, spending
time together alone.
I sort of maybe invited
some people over for
a pool party on the weekend.
-No.
-Yes.
-Not Kathy.
-No, absolutely not,
she's on tour.
-Um, Hillary, Ian.
-Great, straight people.
Yeah.
It'll be nice
to see friends, right?
-Yeah, but not till the weekend.
-That's right.
Three whole days
in Palm Springs,
what are we going do?
Um, we're going to sit here,
drink, and have sex.
-That'll work, come on.
-Great.
All right, I'm going to insert
my penis into, what do you
want to call it this time?
-[Douglas] Booboo kitty.
-Booboo!
[Douglas] Hmm...
[dog barking]
It's so quiet.
-Is this what deaf feels like?
-I don't know.
-Isn't it nice to just relax?
-Hmm.
-I feel like
we're hustling all the time.
-All the time.
I mean, look at us,
we're home at night.
Nobody's putting dollar bills
in my panties
or throwing up on my pumps.
Or puking on my panties,
‘cause that happened too.
-Remember?
-Yeah, that was great night.
-That was your
best set, actually.
-On fire.
[sighs]
You really hate
doing drag, don't you?
Uh-uh. No! I love doing drag
and I'm really good at it.
I just hate doing drag
at shit parties where people
treat us like shit.
-We throw those parties.
-Yeah, I know.
It's a conflict of interest.
Well, what are you gonna do?
YouTube! You never listen.
That's not a real job... Yet.
Well, I can become
an influencer.
Uh, getting free gay underwear
does not make you an influencer.
Tell that to every faggot
at the Abbey.
Okay, so you have
a YouTube channel, you're
getting free gay underwear...
-Hmm.
-...and then what, profit?
Yeah, I don't know.
It just looked so different
in the movies growing up,
like those drag queens
that stole a car in
Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.
They look like
they're having so much fun.
And then those other fags
from To Wong Foo
but they're probably dead now.
But they had fun, I think.
What are we gonna do
the rest of our lives?
I'm like 30.
[sighing deeply]
God.
-You're 36, babe.
-I said, like.
-I'm 41.
-48.
-Minus 7, 41.
-Okay, daddy.
I don't like that.
-What? Math?
-No.
-You know what I don't like?
-Facts.
-No.
-48?
-Your waist or your age?
-Oh!
-You're going in the pool.
-No.
-You're going in the pool.
-No!
[talking indistinctly]
We should start a small business
or something.
Like what?
-I don't know. Fashion.
-Well, that's a good plan.
Yeah, I can design things
and you sell them.
I don't know how to sell clothes
and you cannot sew a button.
You got any better ideas,
Tim Gunns?
Yeah, I'm gonna sell your ass
to the doughnut shop.
-That shop closed.
-Okay, well,
we'll do it on Craigslist.
Speaking of Craigslist,
where's that Kevin?
I'll do him pro boner
and the pool boy.
-Yeah, all right.
What's that about?
-What?
-They're hot
and I wanna bang them.
-Excuse me.
-And his pool boy.
-Okay.
-What, you don't
wanna bang them?
-No, I do. I--
Relax, I'm not actually
gonna bang them.
-Unless he writes me
back on Scruff.
-I--
-You're permanently
banned from Scruff.
-You just get a new IP address.
I feel like you're being silly
but also you're kind of sort of
trying to tell me something.
No, I'm just like thinking
you shouldn't be all boyfriendy
-and uptight about me
wanting to bang some dude.
-Okay, cool.
So you want an open
relationship, a YouTube channel,
and a fashion line.
-Is that it? I got it all?
-I don't know.
I think I wanna make
some margaritas, though.
All right. I don't know why
you're trying to ruin
this pool experience for me.
-What, you don't
want margaritas?
-Yes, I want a margarita.
Too bad.
-I want a margarita!
-Don't be loud at the pool.
I'll call Kevin.
-Hi.
-[Ian] Quincy?
Hey, did Hillary,
um, get the invite?
Because she didn't RSVP.
Of course she didn't,
but she did tell me about it,
so I assume
that means we are coming.
All right. Good, good.
What's up?
You know life, work.
Hillary moved in, so,
you guys should
come by sometime.
-We're making kombucha.
-Responsibilities, right?
-Oh...
-[Ian] What's up with you?
Oh, you know life,
Palm Springs, art deco,
mid-century modern.
Just living my life. Well,
I'm living somebody else's life,
I don't even have
a fucking life.
I don't have a fucking life
because for some reason
I'm keeping what?
I'm keeping Douglas
from YouTube infamy
or something like that?
I don't understand,
is that a gay thing?
[sighs in frustration] Cathy's
got a matinee, Cal's going
straight to voicemail,
-and I don't want
advice from Hillary.
-[Ian] You want advice?
Oh yeah. Right, yeah,
I want advice from
a straight person.
You're just gonna tell me
to go get a minivan.
-Wait, what?
-[Quincy] Come on, you were
thinking it, weren't you?
Just tell me this,
when she's at her most,
Hillary, what do you do?
You just gotta wait it out,
find yourself a good
place to hide...
I spend a lot of my time
underneath the stairs.
Oh, that's literally
what I'm doing.
I'm hiding right now.
I probably need a better spot.
I'm in a tiny little cocoon
in the cutest little romper.
Uh, try in the garage
behind the car.
-We'll see you this weekend.
-Well, stay tuned.
-[Ian] You mean...
-No, I'm just kidding. It's all
gonna end up all right. Bye.
Oh, fuck.
Hey! You look like
you're having a day.
Yes.
Don't worry, man.
It'll get better.
You're 13 years old.
-Can I have some coke?
-Oh, my God. Of course!
No! Don't give him any coke
until he loses the trunks.
Oh, the demon is here!
You shall not pass!
-We need to talk.
-We're having fun.
-I better go.
-Hmm.
Round 22.
Uh, ding, ding, ding, bitch.
-Come on!
-Where's my margarita?
[groans] I hope I don't
have to put out for this.
♪ We could fall in love
Who knows ♪
♪ We could love it all
Yeah, who knows ♪
♪ Who knows ♪
-Get off me I'm hot.
-[Quincy grunts and moans]
Put your leg... Oh, God.
[moans and grunts loudly]
Oh, wow!
Wow, wow! I forgive you.
[sighs]
I know.
[sighs in satisfaction]
Phew! You ever think
about having kids?
Not right now, considering,
they're leaking out of me.
Seriously, like raising them
or having them.
Why, so we can make
more gay people?
No, we're gonna teach them
football and how to wear
baseball caps and bang girls.
And all the things we didn't
have when we grew up.
Well, I was raised Pentecostal,
so it'd be nice to give them
like, a real religion.
-We can make our own religion.
-That sounds like a lot work.
Greek Orthodox?
That sounds legit enough.
But no. Uh-uh, I don't...
I don't think about kids
in a paternal way,
or a sexual way,
or a sexually paternal way.
Well...
Even down the line.
Um, later?
Yeah, I mean, we can think
about talking about having
kids down the line, but...
Hmm.
Maybe we should get jobs first
and like, a cat.
Hmm. Oh, God, no. What?
-You don't want a cat?
-No, I don't want a cat.
-Oh, I want cats. Plural.
-No cats.
I want full on
Andrew Lloyd Weber
fantasy suite of cats.
-Cats, cats, Thundercats.
-Hmm-mm.
-Um, I want to come down
to the kitchen for breakfast...
-No!
and just have all those cats
swarm me like that
Russian lady from YouTube.
Oh, is that what
your YouTube channel
is gonna be about?
Yeah, cat and some politics.
I'm working on
Kelly Ann Conway. Ooh!
-Cats and impressions,
that's good.
-Yeah.
Uh, I mean,
would we get married
if we had a cat?
Well, I mean we wouldn't
want the wayward puss to
come from a broken home.
-Right. Just saying--
-I mean...
The cats could be
like, the ring bearers
in the wedding.
There's two rings,
so we would need
two cats to do it.
Oh, what's my--
[mutters]
Honestly, I don't
like my life enough
to bring a kid into it.
That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, I'm just being honest.
I need to make some changes.
I need to change shit up,
figure shit out.
How are you going
to change your life?
What does that mean?
I don't know,
but I've done it before
and I can do it again.
I got out of Tennessee
and I became... me,
and... I can become whoever
I'm supposed to be.
I just don't understand
why you seem to
just hate yourself.
Well, I don't understand
why you love me.
I mean, I get it.
All this. But...
growing up, I was...
pretty sure, I was gonna
be alone in my whole life.
And that was that
and I was okay with that,
but I'm not okay
with that any more, and...
that scares me.
Sometimes being scared
is a good thing.
I know, I guess, whatever.
It's just...
It's new to me,
and all the scared,
all the time and...
Douglas...
I like being scared
with you, and of you.
Just hold on one second.
My lubes over there.
Hey, what the fuck was that?
Is someone at the fucking door?
-Don't answer it.
No, the hills have eyes!
-Come on!
No, I'd rather die in bed.
Oh, goddamit!
[Hillary] Hello!
-It's Hillary!
-[Quincy chuckles]
[sings] Happy Manniversary!
Hey, Quincy.
Douglas, nice statue.
Thank you...
Hi. Oh, get off me.
-Uh, what are you doing?
-We're here for the party.
-Sorry, that we're late.
-It's Friday.
-Yeah, it's Friday.
-The party's Saturday.
What party?
-Uh, the engagement party.
-Good friends. Our friends,
uh, they're down the street,
we just thought we'd say hi.
We're going.
Engagement party?
[exhales]
[sighs]
[gasps]
Sure, but you have to get down
on one knee.
["Free to Love"
by Brendan Maclean plays]
♪ Real, if anything
You're real ♪
-Douglas, will--
-Mine.
Aw...
♪ Will you show me
Your way, way, way ♪
Yes! Perfect!
♪ Lost like a little kid
Chasing a red balloon ♪
The guest room's over there.
-Come on!
-[Hillary sighs]
♪ And I can't get enough
'Nough, 'nough ♪
♪ You're giving me attitude ♪
♪ It's making me follow you ♪
♪ If heaven's gonna
Feel this good ♪
♪ Then you're free to love
You're free to love ♪
♪ You're free to love ♪
♪ You and me, oh, baby
So casual ♪
♪ Sweet talk
It won't change me ♪
♪ It's physical ♪
♪ Light this fuse I'm playing ♪
♪ And you're free to love
You're free to love ♪