Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Hey, Paul. Sorry I'm late, I had...
What's missing?
Notice anything different?
Yeah, it's, uh...
No, I get it. Things coming in,
gotta clear out the lost
causes to make room, right?
Not exactly.
The order came in online...
yesterday after you left.
I packaged everything up myself,
and sent it off.
Really?
Really.
Cheers.
You get me four or five
of those prints by the 1st,
this wall is yours.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Alright.
This is... totally surreal.
Have fun. I mean don't have
fun, but, you know what I mean.
Yeah.
- Thank you!
- Hey... Good luck.
Yeah, we'll go with that.
You've been working a lot more lately.
Yeah, trying to keep
out of trouble, I guess.
A bar's definitely the
best place for that.
Fuck.
Good luck staying out of trouble.
- Jeremy.
- I know I shouldn't be here.
It's like Mistress 101 or something.
Mistress 101?
You weren't returning my phone calls
and I didn't know where
else to find you, so...
I'm sorry we never went to your
place because it was "stuffy."
And a text message just
seemed desperate, so...
This isn't desperate.
Yeah, okay. Fair.
Look, Jeremy, I'm sorry about
what I said the other day.
But I need you to know
that I meant every word.
I know that.
So then what's going
on? Do you want a beer?
I mean what?
I just feel like I owe you an apology.
Are you in AA or something?
No...
Maybe I should be, but
this isn't about me.
I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.
Jeremy, this isn't your
fault. You didn't know.
Yes, I did. You know I did.
No, I don't know... I...
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
Okay, look, this one's for you,
that one's for Cal.
Did you just say Cal?
Jeez, how many of those do you have?
This is an art gallery;
it's basically the
water fountain, right?
Isn't it your job to
stock this shit, anyway?
I'll get right on that.
You know I really... I shouldn't...
I have a lot of work to do.
Oh, bullshit, you don't.
What if somebody comes in.
Oh, and then who's gonna smile at them,
and then immediately go back
to checking their Facebook page?
Me... That's my job.
Well, you're smiling now,
so if anyone comes in we're covered.
You look happy, kiddo...
It's weird!
I guess I'm kinda drunk.
And somebody on the internet likes me.
I'm sorry, I really shouldn't
be this drunk at work.
Okay...
How about this...
We're closed for the day.
Executive decision.
Me.
Executive decision.
It's not like anyone
buys anything here anyway.
We might as well be
online only at this point.
The only reason why I keep
this space is for events.
And to distinguish
myself from fucking Etsy.
So why'd you hire me?
Consider it artistic patronage.
And I'm lazy.
I'm lazy, I mean,
shipping that print today
was the most tedious thing
I've ever done in my life.
Well, thank you.
And thanks.
Oh, it's gonna suck replacing you.
Replacing me?
After you sell out your first solo show,
you're not gonna want
this shitty job, are you?
What do I pay you, minimum wage?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah...
Me too.
Go lock the door, kiddo.
Mmmm.
So what was it like growing up normal?
Well... I guess...
- Quincy?
- Hi!
- Excuse me.
- How are ya?
- Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Great...
- David, good to see you.
- Hello.
- I love your jacket.
- Thanks.
I wore a windbreaker.
You did.
You look so much better than me. Ahhh!
This is Dave. This is
David, this is my date.
Well.
And you are?
I guess I'm... the chaperone?
The chaperone, yeah?
It's gonna be a group thing,
you know what I'm saying?
Really?
No, it's not gonna be a group
thing because he's straight.
Not gay straight.
Straight. Just straight.
Boring ol' straight.
Straight as a board, boring, boring.
And you just can't be
too careful nowadays.
Craigslist Killer, what?
- Who wants a drink?
- I could use a drink.
- Let's have drinks.
- Definitely drinks.
I actually just got out of a
pretty serious relationship.
Oh, yeah?
Six months.
Oh, six months, bleh.
No, no, we broke up six months ago.
Yeah, we were together three years.
Wow, that's even longer.
What about you?
Always the bridesmaid.
Single, ready to mingle.
You're so much cuter than your pics.
Don't you think?
So much cuter.
Thanks.
So three years, huh?
That must've been hard.
Yeah, it was really hard.
Three years, and then they
just leave you just like that.
Yeah. What the fuck?
So what happened?
I don't know, you know, the usual stuff.
What's the usual...
Gay stuff.
What does that even mean?
Don't know. just making conversation.
I think I get that, actually.
Oh, really?
Yeah, two guys.
Yeah, well done, that
is the basic premise.
One of them is bound to
cheat eventually, right?
Statistically.
Sure, yes, if we can stop doing
each others hair long enough.
I may not be a gay guy, but I am a guy,
and I wouldn't want to date me.
Not that I'd ever cheat on Kathy.
I just, might want to all the time.
What?
Come on, we're all guys here, right?
Excuse me. What are you talking about?
I understand your
point. I mean, I get it,
but what are you talking about?
No, right. Who has
time to cheat, you know?
We're too busy lip-syncing for our lives
and checking Grindr and doing Tina.
- Tina Fey?
- You guys friends with Tina?
No.
How could you even be saying this?
Listen to yourself right now. Really?
Kathy's out there in the jungle,
she's getting an abor...
abo... an abobo.
An aborbo...
What's an abobo?
Spanish house.
- Are you trying to say abortion?
- No, I'm not.
Kathy is not getting an abortion.
Kathy's getting an abortion?
Are you doing it too?
I'm keeping the baby.
She's keeping the baby.
I'm sorry, Miss, we
can't let you walk home.
I'm fine.
We have to keep you
here for observation,
if you don't have anyone
to come pick you up.
Where's Cal?
We can try again, Miss,
but we can't let you leave alone.
Do you have anyone else we can call?
Here we go.
Hold on to me.
Watch your head.
Thank you, Thom.
You're not all bad, you know?
I mean, you're pretty bad,
you're pretty awful,
but, hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
Buckle.
Okay.
Ah... I mean it about the wall.
I want you to get your shit in here.
I will. I totally... I totally will.
- Good.
- I just...
I need to take some pictures.
I don't have any recent work.
No, no. Use something old.
I want it to be good.
- You want it to be good.
- I do.
Listen to yourself.
- Good?
- Yeah.
Good?! Good is boring.
You kidding me?
Come on.
Bring me something... something new.
Something... something weird.
People love weird shit.
I can do that.
You sound like you're, like...
like a magazine editor in a movie.
Bring me something "weird."
Hey, I know what they want.
I mean, I used to be an artist too.
You did?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I mean... Yeah.
It's crazy, yeah.
I mean, this used to
be my... my work space.
- No shit?!
- Yes!
Can you believe that?
So... What happened?
If you don't mind me asking.
Nothing happened.
I mean, I'm, um... I don't know.
I, uh...
I grew up.
I guess.
I got, um...
I got wise. I got married.
I bought a house...
with a white picket fence,
and everything changes.
You're married?
Yeah, ten years.
You're married.
You...
You're fucking married?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I mean, I...
Listen, we have a mortgage, it's like...
I have...
Seriously?
Oh, um, seriously...
Did you think we were gonna... date?
- No. Yeah...
- Did you?
No.
You're married, man? Fuck.
Yeah, it's, uh...
Shit!
Ten years.
Kathy, Kathy, hey!
Where are you?
I, um... You know, I got...
I got caught up at
work, but I'm on my way.
You sound drunk.
I'm not drunk.
You are sooo drunk.
Kathy, he's drunk.
Ha! You're fucking your boss.
No, I'm... I'm on my way right now.
- I'm really sorry.
- You're not driving?
I already got a ride.
Besides, don't drink and drive.
It is the law; take a bite out of crime.
Did you have to tell Ian?
No, but you know what? I'm going to.
I had this dream about it.
Anyway, I gotta go. I'm rude in the car.
Okay, I'm sorry. Bye.
Alright.
I love you... Bye.
I'm a dad.
I mean...
I was a dad...
I was almost a dad.
Let's go with that one.
I am too young be a father.
Good! Good news. Bullet dodged.
I mean, my dad is like 60, so then...
All right.
Oh, shit. I should be
having me right now.
Well, this has been a lot of fun.
- It has?
- Yeah, yeah.
I don't need any change.
And I'll call you.
- Alright. You will?
- For sure.
Maybe I can bring along
a few kids with cancer?
Maybe a holocaust survivor?
That'd be a hoot, right?
Bye.
That was unnecessary.
You need to start feeling things, okay?
I need to stop doing favors for friends.
You guys say party favors?
What does that mean?
No roses, Mexican lady.
This is the weirdest day ever!
Morning.
It's dark.
You're home.
- What are you doing here?
- I drove you.
Oh.
Drivin' Miss Kathy...
Where's Cal?
Cal's at work.
Thanks for taking me, Thom.
You got it.
You're not all bad, okay.
So I've heard.
You need some help to your door?
No.
I'm just afraid.
Of what?
I don't know... everything.
Yeah, me too.
Am I a good person?
Yeah.
Yeah, deep down, maybe.
Thanks.
Sometimes I don't want to be...
You know?
Like I...
I just feel like it would be easier...
I could just dismiss myself.
Yeah, I get that.
You were right about me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am a bad person.
Like, definitively.
But sometimes I think,
like, what I do tomorrow...
might change that.
You really think that?
Maybe.
Ready?
Okay.
Let's go.
Hi.
Hey, Ian.
Hey, we need to talk.
Can it wait, please?
This won't take long.
What's missing?
Notice anything different?
Yeah, it's, uh...
No, I get it. Things coming in,
gotta clear out the lost
causes to make room, right?
Not exactly.
The order came in online...
yesterday after you left.
I packaged everything up myself,
and sent it off.
Really?
Really.
Cheers.
You get me four or five
of those prints by the 1st,
this wall is yours.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Alright.
This is... totally surreal.
Have fun. I mean don't have
fun, but, you know what I mean.
Yeah.
- Thank you!
- Hey... Good luck.
Yeah, we'll go with that.
You've been working a lot more lately.
Yeah, trying to keep
out of trouble, I guess.
A bar's definitely the
best place for that.
Fuck.
Good luck staying out of trouble.
- Jeremy.
- I know I shouldn't be here.
It's like Mistress 101 or something.
Mistress 101?
You weren't returning my phone calls
and I didn't know where
else to find you, so...
I'm sorry we never went to your
place because it was "stuffy."
And a text message just
seemed desperate, so...
This isn't desperate.
Yeah, okay. Fair.
Look, Jeremy, I'm sorry about
what I said the other day.
But I need you to know
that I meant every word.
I know that.
So then what's going
on? Do you want a beer?
I mean what?
I just feel like I owe you an apology.
Are you in AA or something?
No...
Maybe I should be, but
this isn't about me.
I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.
Jeremy, this isn't your
fault. You didn't know.
Yes, I did. You know I did.
No, I don't know... I...
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
Okay, look, this one's for you,
that one's for Cal.
Did you just say Cal?
Jeez, how many of those do you have?
This is an art gallery;
it's basically the
water fountain, right?
Isn't it your job to
stock this shit, anyway?
I'll get right on that.
You know I really... I shouldn't...
I have a lot of work to do.
Oh, bullshit, you don't.
What if somebody comes in.
Oh, and then who's gonna smile at them,
and then immediately go back
to checking their Facebook page?
Me... That's my job.
Well, you're smiling now,
so if anyone comes in we're covered.
You look happy, kiddo...
It's weird!
I guess I'm kinda drunk.
And somebody on the internet likes me.
I'm sorry, I really shouldn't
be this drunk at work.
Okay...
How about this...
We're closed for the day.
Executive decision.
Me.
Executive decision.
It's not like anyone
buys anything here anyway.
We might as well be
online only at this point.
The only reason why I keep
this space is for events.
And to distinguish
myself from fucking Etsy.
So why'd you hire me?
Consider it artistic patronage.
And I'm lazy.
I'm lazy, I mean,
shipping that print today
was the most tedious thing
I've ever done in my life.
Well, thank you.
And thanks.
Oh, it's gonna suck replacing you.
Replacing me?
After you sell out your first solo show,
you're not gonna want
this shitty job, are you?
What do I pay you, minimum wage?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah...
Me too.
Go lock the door, kiddo.
Mmmm.
So what was it like growing up normal?
Well... I guess...
- Quincy?
- Hi!
- Excuse me.
- How are ya?
- Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Great...
- David, good to see you.
- Hello.
- I love your jacket.
- Thanks.
I wore a windbreaker.
You did.
You look so much better than me. Ahhh!
This is Dave. This is
David, this is my date.
Well.
And you are?
I guess I'm... the chaperone?
The chaperone, yeah?
It's gonna be a group thing,
you know what I'm saying?
Really?
No, it's not gonna be a group
thing because he's straight.
Not gay straight.
Straight. Just straight.
Boring ol' straight.
Straight as a board, boring, boring.
And you just can't be
too careful nowadays.
Craigslist Killer, what?
- Who wants a drink?
- I could use a drink.
- Let's have drinks.
- Definitely drinks.
I actually just got out of a
pretty serious relationship.
Oh, yeah?
Six months.
Oh, six months, bleh.
No, no, we broke up six months ago.
Yeah, we were together three years.
Wow, that's even longer.
What about you?
Always the bridesmaid.
Single, ready to mingle.
You're so much cuter than your pics.
Don't you think?
So much cuter.
Thanks.
So three years, huh?
That must've been hard.
Yeah, it was really hard.
Three years, and then they
just leave you just like that.
Yeah. What the fuck?
So what happened?
I don't know, you know, the usual stuff.
What's the usual...
Gay stuff.
What does that even mean?
Don't know. just making conversation.
I think I get that, actually.
Oh, really?
Yeah, two guys.
Yeah, well done, that
is the basic premise.
One of them is bound to
cheat eventually, right?
Statistically.
Sure, yes, if we can stop doing
each others hair long enough.
I may not be a gay guy, but I am a guy,
and I wouldn't want to date me.
Not that I'd ever cheat on Kathy.
I just, might want to all the time.
What?
Come on, we're all guys here, right?
Excuse me. What are you talking about?
I understand your
point. I mean, I get it,
but what are you talking about?
No, right. Who has
time to cheat, you know?
We're too busy lip-syncing for our lives
and checking Grindr and doing Tina.
- Tina Fey?
- You guys friends with Tina?
No.
How could you even be saying this?
Listen to yourself right now. Really?
Kathy's out there in the jungle,
she's getting an abor...
abo... an abobo.
An aborbo...
What's an abobo?
Spanish house.
- Are you trying to say abortion?
- No, I'm not.
Kathy is not getting an abortion.
Kathy's getting an abortion?
Are you doing it too?
I'm keeping the baby.
She's keeping the baby.
I'm sorry, Miss, we
can't let you walk home.
I'm fine.
We have to keep you
here for observation,
if you don't have anyone
to come pick you up.
Where's Cal?
We can try again, Miss,
but we can't let you leave alone.
Do you have anyone else we can call?
Here we go.
Hold on to me.
Watch your head.
Thank you, Thom.
You're not all bad, you know?
I mean, you're pretty bad,
you're pretty awful,
but, hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
Buckle.
Okay.
Ah... I mean it about the wall.
I want you to get your shit in here.
I will. I totally... I totally will.
- Good.
- I just...
I need to take some pictures.
I don't have any recent work.
No, no. Use something old.
I want it to be good.
- You want it to be good.
- I do.
Listen to yourself.
- Good?
- Yeah.
Good?! Good is boring.
You kidding me?
Come on.
Bring me something... something new.
Something... something weird.
People love weird shit.
I can do that.
You sound like you're, like...
like a magazine editor in a movie.
Bring me something "weird."
Hey, I know what they want.
I mean, I used to be an artist too.
You did?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I mean... Yeah.
It's crazy, yeah.
I mean, this used to
be my... my work space.
- No shit?!
- Yes!
Can you believe that?
So... What happened?
If you don't mind me asking.
Nothing happened.
I mean, I'm, um... I don't know.
I, uh...
I grew up.
I guess.
I got, um...
I got wise. I got married.
I bought a house...
with a white picket fence,
and everything changes.
You're married?
Yeah, ten years.
You're married.
You...
You're fucking married?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I mean, I...
Listen, we have a mortgage, it's like...
I have...
Seriously?
Oh, um, seriously...
Did you think we were gonna... date?
- No. Yeah...
- Did you?
No.
You're married, man? Fuck.
Yeah, it's, uh...
Shit!
Ten years.
Kathy, Kathy, hey!
Where are you?
I, um... You know, I got...
I got caught up at
work, but I'm on my way.
You sound drunk.
I'm not drunk.
You are sooo drunk.
Kathy, he's drunk.
Ha! You're fucking your boss.
No, I'm... I'm on my way right now.
- I'm really sorry.
- You're not driving?
I already got a ride.
Besides, don't drink and drive.
It is the law; take a bite out of crime.
Did you have to tell Ian?
No, but you know what? I'm going to.
I had this dream about it.
Anyway, I gotta go. I'm rude in the car.
Okay, I'm sorry. Bye.
Alright.
I love you... Bye.
I'm a dad.
I mean...
I was a dad...
I was almost a dad.
Let's go with that one.
I am too young be a father.
Good! Good news. Bullet dodged.
I mean, my dad is like 60, so then...
All right.
Oh, shit. I should be
having me right now.
Well, this has been a lot of fun.
- It has?
- Yeah, yeah.
I don't need any change.
And I'll call you.
- Alright. You will?
- For sure.
Maybe I can bring along
a few kids with cancer?
Maybe a holocaust survivor?
That'd be a hoot, right?
Bye.
That was unnecessary.
You need to start feeling things, okay?
I need to stop doing favors for friends.
You guys say party favors?
What does that mean?
No roses, Mexican lady.
This is the weirdest day ever!
Morning.
It's dark.
You're home.
- What are you doing here?
- I drove you.
Oh.
Drivin' Miss Kathy...
Where's Cal?
Cal's at work.
Thanks for taking me, Thom.
You got it.
You're not all bad, okay.
So I've heard.
You need some help to your door?
No.
I'm just afraid.
Of what?
I don't know... everything.
Yeah, me too.
Am I a good person?
Yeah.
Yeah, deep down, maybe.
Thanks.
Sometimes I don't want to be...
You know?
Like I...
I just feel like it would be easier...
I could just dismiss myself.
Yeah, I get that.
You were right about me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am a bad person.
Like, definitively.
But sometimes I think,
like, what I do tomorrow...
might change that.
You really think that?
Maybe.
Ready?
Okay.
Let's go.
Hi.
Hey, Ian.
Hey, we need to talk.
Can it wait, please?
This won't take long.