Eastsiders (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Bye.
Bye.
Stop calling me.
No, just stop calling me.
I'm sorry... but...
You need to stop calling me.
I don't... I... For a while.
Like forever. Okay?
Alright, forever.
- Salush Veshte.
- Salut, mi amor.
I'm sorry, this is going to
have to be a smoke and go.
Vera has the kids at piano,
and I want to beat them home
so I can hop in the shower.
You know, 'cause otherwise they're...
You're wearing a shirt.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I can take it off if you want.
Like sleeves and
everything. What's wrong?
Vetemof, Vetemof, Eschents.
I don't know what I
thought was gonna happen.
I just wanted to see him.
So you showed up at his work?
I mean, what's wrong with
you? That's basic mistress 101.
Well, I did not get
that in design school.
And now you're on to the other one?
- I mean what's up with that?
- No! No.
I don't know...
Thom told me to stop calling him too.
Both?
Seriously, both?
- Well...
- Both?
Look, I don't get it either.
Yeah, the general rule is that,
if something doesn't make sense,
it probably doesn't make sense.
I'm an idiot, aren't I?
A beautiful idiot.
You think I'm an idiot?
No, I don't think you're an idiot.
I think you're a very
intelligent person.
You speak five languages,
you're good at math,
you can make furniture for fuck's sake.
I mean, who makes furniture?
You're a very impressive human being
that just happens to
be acting like an idiot.
_
Jesus. Show off.
All I'm saying is that,
V and I have been together
for what, like eight years.
And if someone tried to
"kids are alright" us,
there wouldn't be a cute movie.
There would be a trial.
Because I would eviscerate them.
This doesn't end well, love.
Oh, shit, I got to go.
Don't do anything stupid, okay?
Okay.
Hey, sweetie.
No!
No, I... I... I didn't smoke very much.
Yeah. No, I'm on my way right now.
Bye.
I wanted to take a shower when...
I wanted to take a shower...
when I got home.
- Hey.
- Hey babe, how you feeling?
Really great. What's up?
I've just been thinking
about how emotional you've been lately.
And how many emotions you have.
Good emotions.
And about how powerless
I am when it comes to you,
which is great.
I wanna say that I
think that that is great.
And I value you.
And I hope that you're not
thinking about breaking up with me,
because that would make me
feel a lot of not-good emotions
and that would not be great.
You know?
I'm not breaking up with you, Ian.
Hey, that's good news.
Yep.
Really good news.
Anybody call for me?
Uh, yeah. Your yoga instructor called.
She moved your session to 3.
What the fuck? That is so fucked up.
Now I'm gonna be, like,
stressed out the rest of the day.
- Sorry.
- Want to get a drink?
Uh, what?
I mean, like, with lunch or something.
You want to get lunch with me?
Sure.
- Gallery.
- Hey, can you come over?
Uh, Kathy, uh, I'm at work.
- When aren't you at work?
- Um, I get off at 5.
Can you, like, leave early, please?
It's noon, Kathy, I'm about
to go into a lunch meeting.
Really...
Fuck you.
- Take the rest of the afternoon off.
- No, I love working actually.
No, no, no, no.
It is your legal and
ethical responsibility
to go and get drunk
with whoever this is... for
the rest of the afternoon.
Go... with my blessing.
Here's your permission slip;
Kiddo, consider it a raincheck.
Namaste.
It's really important
to me that you come over.
Alright, Kathy, what's up?
I can't even do my taxes, Cal.
How am I supposed to raise
an entire human being?
I'll be right over.
Kathy?
- Door was open.
- Six things.
- What?
- I peed on six different things.
Jesus Christ, Kathy.
Yep. It was really easy for me.
I always have to go to
the bathroom, apparently.
Because I'm pregnant.
I'm so sorry.
I knew it, you know?
I knew I was either pregnant or crazy.
Is it really an either/or thing?
No, Cal.
I have a life growing inside my womb.
Incubating...
Like a wasp egg inside of a caterpillar.
- Oh, my God.
- And I'm fat.
Okay, obligatory
"you're not fat" speech.
I'm getting fatter by the second.
It looks like you're
giving birth to gum.
I am not giving birth to anything.
Okay, it looks like you're aborting gum.
This is not funny!
Stop trying to make
a joke out of it, Cal!
It's not funny.
You're right...
I'm sorry.
What happened?
Well, when a boy and girl
love each other very much,
and are really stupid... ugh, crap.
Hey.
Can I get you something?
Want me to make you some soup?
I don't have a fucking cold, Cal.
I am pregnant.
You can make me a fucking drink.
Come on.
Ahh!!
Alright, what are you doing?
Trying to kill the baby.
Stop it.
You're just going to make it stupid.
Impossible, with my genes.
Oh, God, you know what, I
can't even talk about this.
Let's talk about something else, like,
tell me about this guy you're fucking.
I'm not fucking anybody.
It's just getting lunch.
Okay, whatever, "Getting lunch".
I'm not getting lunch with anybody,
if you're gonna put it in quotations.
- Except for Thom?
- Well...
Occasionally.
Oh, man.
Somebody should really put
you two out of your misery.
This is our misery, thank you very much.
We're in this together. We're even.
Romantic, huh?
Sure.
Ya know what I've heard this
story a million times, Mom,
tell me another one.
Look just because you've
had a lot of breakups,
doesn't mean you're some
authority on relationships.
I have not had a lot of break...
I've had a lot of breakups...
And now I'm pregnant.
Oh, shit.
This is happening. This
is really happening.
- Come here.
- This is really happening.
- There we go.
- My glasses...
- I got you. It's ok. You ok?
- Ow, that hurts.
Sometimes love hurts.
It's gonna be okay.
Look, this is just
gonna be a bad memory.
Can you pick me up from my
appointment on Wednesday?
What appointment?
To get my nails done.
What do you think?!
I know, I'll be there.
It's at 4:30.
I know you have to work,
because you always have to work,
but Quincy said that
he could drop me off.
In the Valley.
Can you be there to pick me up?
You didn't say it was in the Valley.
Whatever you need.
Thank you.
So how's Jezebel?
You mean Jeremy.
Same thing.
Alright.
Well...
He showed up at my gallery last week,
scared the shit out of me.
You tell Thom?
- No.
- I mean I'm going to, I just...
Bullshit.
I haven't had the right opportunity.
Bull... shit!
Please, man!
I am pregnant, I can smell everything.
You told Ian?
Straight to hell.
You and me, stud.
Drinks, 4:30. Wednesday.
Quincy?
You thought I was Jessica
Rabbit, didn't you?
Here's the deal. You're
gonna come with me,
but it's gonna be dressy, casual.
But not like straight
casual, more like gay casual,
which is straight dressy.
How did you get this number?
Kathy likes you so much, okay?
And I feel like you and I
need to just become, like,
you know, like, really
close, like, super friends.
Just, like, become super,
like, fun, intimate, like,
just fun friends, like, sharing life.
I feel like I have a moral
and ethical responsibility,
as her gay best friend.
I thought Cal was
Kathy's gay best friend.
I have a moral and
ethical responsibility,
as her gayest best friend.
Okay. Isn't 4:30 sort of early?
Or late.
It depends on who you're
asking, so calm down.
Yeah, no more questions.
I'm leaving, bye.
No.
Don't worry.
She's getting an abortion.
Jesus...
That's awful.
But yeah, yeah,
she needs to start with,
like, a plant or something
and just work her way up.
On second thought not even a plant.
Don't tell Ian, by the way.
He doesn't know?
Neither do you.
- Well.
- Well, what?
Okay.
Okay, what?
Can I ask you something?
I don't want to drudge up a
bunch of old everything, but...
I have a question.
Scout's honor.
Did you...
Did you love him?
Don't laugh; he's a person.
No, I didn't.
You ever tell him otherwise?
If I'm gonna be completely honest...
I liked being with him.
I know.
I mean, it wasn't just a physical thing.
Is this what you want to hear?
I liked...
that I felt like a...
like a different person, maybe.
I think I know what you mean.
You do?
Yeah.
And sometimes I feel like I am...
a different person.
This feeling just comes over me
and I don't think about anyone else.
And I'm just...
I'm capable of anything.
I know the feeling.
You do?
Lately.
I'm trying, Cal.
I really need you to
know that I'm trying.
I know.
He's been calling me.
I know I should have told you earlier,
but he's been calling me.
And I asked him to stop.
I just want you to know that.
And, um...
Also, I want you to know...
I slept with him...
... the day that I ended things...
after you knew.
I know I should have told...
Just once more for old time's sake?
What?
Maybe.
I don't know.
I don't, I don't...
I don't know what I was thinking.
And I look back on it,
and it feels like it wasn't even me.
It was you, Thom...
Sorry.
I am so sorry.
Me too.
Can you forgive me?
I can try.
Bye.
Stop calling me.
No, just stop calling me.
I'm sorry... but...
You need to stop calling me.
I don't... I... For a while.
Like forever. Okay?
Alright, forever.
- Salush Veshte.
- Salut, mi amor.
I'm sorry, this is going to
have to be a smoke and go.
Vera has the kids at piano,
and I want to beat them home
so I can hop in the shower.
You know, 'cause otherwise they're...
You're wearing a shirt.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I can take it off if you want.
Like sleeves and
everything. What's wrong?
Vetemof, Vetemof, Eschents.
I don't know what I
thought was gonna happen.
I just wanted to see him.
So you showed up at his work?
I mean, what's wrong with
you? That's basic mistress 101.
Well, I did not get
that in design school.
And now you're on to the other one?
- I mean what's up with that?
- No! No.
I don't know...
Thom told me to stop calling him too.
Both?
Seriously, both?
- Well...
- Both?
Look, I don't get it either.
Yeah, the general rule is that,
if something doesn't make sense,
it probably doesn't make sense.
I'm an idiot, aren't I?
A beautiful idiot.
You think I'm an idiot?
No, I don't think you're an idiot.
I think you're a very
intelligent person.
You speak five languages,
you're good at math,
you can make furniture for fuck's sake.
I mean, who makes furniture?
You're a very impressive human being
that just happens to
be acting like an idiot.
_
Jesus. Show off.
All I'm saying is that,
V and I have been together
for what, like eight years.
And if someone tried to
"kids are alright" us,
there wouldn't be a cute movie.
There would be a trial.
Because I would eviscerate them.
This doesn't end well, love.
Oh, shit, I got to go.
Don't do anything stupid, okay?
Okay.
Hey, sweetie.
No!
No, I... I... I didn't smoke very much.
Yeah. No, I'm on my way right now.
Bye.
I wanted to take a shower when...
I wanted to take a shower...
when I got home.
- Hey.
- Hey babe, how you feeling?
Really great. What's up?
I've just been thinking
about how emotional you've been lately.
And how many emotions you have.
Good emotions.
And about how powerless
I am when it comes to you,
which is great.
I wanna say that I
think that that is great.
And I value you.
And I hope that you're not
thinking about breaking up with me,
because that would make me
feel a lot of not-good emotions
and that would not be great.
You know?
I'm not breaking up with you, Ian.
Hey, that's good news.
Yep.
Really good news.
Anybody call for me?
Uh, yeah. Your yoga instructor called.
She moved your session to 3.
What the fuck? That is so fucked up.
Now I'm gonna be, like,
stressed out the rest of the day.
- Sorry.
- Want to get a drink?
Uh, what?
I mean, like, with lunch or something.
You want to get lunch with me?
Sure.
- Gallery.
- Hey, can you come over?
Uh, Kathy, uh, I'm at work.
- When aren't you at work?
- Um, I get off at 5.
Can you, like, leave early, please?
It's noon, Kathy, I'm about
to go into a lunch meeting.
Really...
Fuck you.
- Take the rest of the afternoon off.
- No, I love working actually.
No, no, no, no.
It is your legal and
ethical responsibility
to go and get drunk
with whoever this is... for
the rest of the afternoon.
Go... with my blessing.
Here's your permission slip;
Kiddo, consider it a raincheck.
Namaste.
It's really important
to me that you come over.
Alright, Kathy, what's up?
I can't even do my taxes, Cal.
How am I supposed to raise
an entire human being?
I'll be right over.
Kathy?
- Door was open.
- Six things.
- What?
- I peed on six different things.
Jesus Christ, Kathy.
Yep. It was really easy for me.
I always have to go to
the bathroom, apparently.
Because I'm pregnant.
I'm so sorry.
I knew it, you know?
I knew I was either pregnant or crazy.
Is it really an either/or thing?
No, Cal.
I have a life growing inside my womb.
Incubating...
Like a wasp egg inside of a caterpillar.
- Oh, my God.
- And I'm fat.
Okay, obligatory
"you're not fat" speech.
I'm getting fatter by the second.
It looks like you're
giving birth to gum.
I am not giving birth to anything.
Okay, it looks like you're aborting gum.
This is not funny!
Stop trying to make
a joke out of it, Cal!
It's not funny.
You're right...
I'm sorry.
What happened?
Well, when a boy and girl
love each other very much,
and are really stupid... ugh, crap.
Hey.
Can I get you something?
Want me to make you some soup?
I don't have a fucking cold, Cal.
I am pregnant.
You can make me a fucking drink.
Come on.
Ahh!!
Alright, what are you doing?
Trying to kill the baby.
Stop it.
You're just going to make it stupid.
Impossible, with my genes.
Oh, God, you know what, I
can't even talk about this.
Let's talk about something else, like,
tell me about this guy you're fucking.
I'm not fucking anybody.
It's just getting lunch.
Okay, whatever, "Getting lunch".
I'm not getting lunch with anybody,
if you're gonna put it in quotations.
- Except for Thom?
- Well...
Occasionally.
Oh, man.
Somebody should really put
you two out of your misery.
This is our misery, thank you very much.
We're in this together. We're even.
Romantic, huh?
Sure.
Ya know what I've heard this
story a million times, Mom,
tell me another one.
Look just because you've
had a lot of breakups,
doesn't mean you're some
authority on relationships.
I have not had a lot of break...
I've had a lot of breakups...
And now I'm pregnant.
Oh, shit.
This is happening. This
is really happening.
- Come here.
- This is really happening.
- There we go.
- My glasses...
- I got you. It's ok. You ok?
- Ow, that hurts.
Sometimes love hurts.
It's gonna be okay.
Look, this is just
gonna be a bad memory.
Can you pick me up from my
appointment on Wednesday?
What appointment?
To get my nails done.
What do you think?!
I know, I'll be there.
It's at 4:30.
I know you have to work,
because you always have to work,
but Quincy said that
he could drop me off.
In the Valley.
Can you be there to pick me up?
You didn't say it was in the Valley.
Whatever you need.
Thank you.
So how's Jezebel?
You mean Jeremy.
Same thing.
Alright.
Well...
He showed up at my gallery last week,
scared the shit out of me.
You tell Thom?
- No.
- I mean I'm going to, I just...
Bullshit.
I haven't had the right opportunity.
Bull... shit!
Please, man!
I am pregnant, I can smell everything.
You told Ian?
Straight to hell.
You and me, stud.
Drinks, 4:30. Wednesday.
Quincy?
You thought I was Jessica
Rabbit, didn't you?
Here's the deal. You're
gonna come with me,
but it's gonna be dressy, casual.
But not like straight
casual, more like gay casual,
which is straight dressy.
How did you get this number?
Kathy likes you so much, okay?
And I feel like you and I
need to just become, like,
you know, like, really
close, like, super friends.
Just, like, become super,
like, fun, intimate, like,
just fun friends, like, sharing life.
I feel like I have a moral
and ethical responsibility,
as her gay best friend.
I thought Cal was
Kathy's gay best friend.
I have a moral and
ethical responsibility,
as her gayest best friend.
Okay. Isn't 4:30 sort of early?
Or late.
It depends on who you're
asking, so calm down.
Yeah, no more questions.
I'm leaving, bye.
No.
Don't worry.
She's getting an abortion.
Jesus...
That's awful.
But yeah, yeah,
she needs to start with,
like, a plant or something
and just work her way up.
On second thought not even a plant.
Don't tell Ian, by the way.
He doesn't know?
Neither do you.
- Well.
- Well, what?
Okay.
Okay, what?
Can I ask you something?
I don't want to drudge up a
bunch of old everything, but...
I have a question.
Scout's honor.
Did you...
Did you love him?
Don't laugh; he's a person.
No, I didn't.
You ever tell him otherwise?
If I'm gonna be completely honest...
I liked being with him.
I know.
I mean, it wasn't just a physical thing.
Is this what you want to hear?
I liked...
that I felt like a...
like a different person, maybe.
I think I know what you mean.
You do?
Yeah.
And sometimes I feel like I am...
a different person.
This feeling just comes over me
and I don't think about anyone else.
And I'm just...
I'm capable of anything.
I know the feeling.
You do?
Lately.
I'm trying, Cal.
I really need you to
know that I'm trying.
I know.
He's been calling me.
I know I should have told you earlier,
but he's been calling me.
And I asked him to stop.
I just want you to know that.
And, um...
Also, I want you to know...
I slept with him...
... the day that I ended things...
after you knew.
I know I should have told...
Just once more for old time's sake?
What?
Maybe.
I don't know.
I don't, I don't...
I don't know what I was thinking.
And I look back on it,
and it feels like it wasn't even me.
It was you, Thom...
Sorry.
I am so sorry.
Me too.
Can you forgive me?
I can try.