Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 7 - Chapter 20 - full transcript

Tight dick, player.

This Friday, we're going
to face off against our rivals...

...the Rockingham Ruckus.

than the Ruckus...,

...is their backwards-ass hiHbilly fans.

These motherfuckers will fill up
that stadium like cockroaches.

So remember that.

Mermen.

Excuse me, watch out.
Watch your fucking foot.

Mermen, I come to you today,
unashamed.

- I'm unashamed, Mermens.
- Powers, what the fuck are you doing?



This is my son who I'm now proud of.

Check him out, guys. My child.
I have a fucking kTd, yo.

Look into his eyes, youu faggot-ism
Look at him.

I've returned from my sabbatical
a changed man.

- Sabbaticzfl?
- Hiatus. Break. Whatever you call it.

Nobody gave you permission
to take a hiatus.

Because I'm mature enough now
to give my own self a hiatus.

Now that I'm a changed man
and humble...

...and ready to be part of a team...

...I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get
back into the good graces of the Merrhen.

I'll tell you what you can do.
You can start showing up on time.

That's a good place to start.

Your ass won't play, but you can
stiH show up and support the team.

- That's what you can do.
- IFI may counter said deal.



I don't really see how I wiH redeem myse\f
as team leader in front of everyone...

...if I'm gonna be sitting on the bench.

If you don't, I'll cut you off this team
quicker than you can say, "What for?"

What for?

Sit your motherfucking ass down!

Unashamed, guys. StiH unashamed.

Tend to him.

Now, as I was saying, Ivan, you're the man
we're going to in the dutch.

- Don't let us down.
- I won't let you down, coach.

Right?

If I'm given an opportunity,
I won't let us down, either.

Well, well, well.

What the fuck are you doing in Myrtle?

I've been coming for Black Biker Week
for 10 years.

Since we were In the area,
we thought we'd say hello...

...to my second-favorite ballplayer.

Well, it wasn't really necessary...

...being that you and I are even.

That's not exacfly true, Mr. Powers.

Your swashbuckfing shenanigans
cost me my new dealership.

The Kia representatives
also did not appreciate the fact...

...that we had a Japanese geisha.

Because you know why?
Because they're Korean.

It turns out the fucking Orientals
are highly sensitive.

I never" I would've bet
a million dollars...

...that they were not a sensitive race
of people.

I don't give a fuck about sensitivity
of Orientals. I'm a father now.

I take it this here is your boy, huh?

Yes, this is him.

Scott, pull your penis out
and put it inside this infant.

I will fucking bite it off.
Keep it in them pants.

That's what's called a joke.

Scott knew I was kidding
as soon as I said it.

All right, well, if you two fucking hobnobs
are done laughing and giggling...

...I got to feed my son.

I have to push pause on the feeding...

...because somebody else
wants to say heHo as well.

Kenny Powers.

Reg Mackworthy.

You look sad, boy.

Someone take your lunch money?

No. But it does look somebody
took your eye. Oh, yeah. Me.

Fuck you, Kenny Powers.
You insensitive dickhead.

I see you got a team
to pick you up, huh?

Must be nice. My baseball days
are over because of you.

Maybe It's high time
you look for another line of work.

Maybe you could be
a telescope operator.

Fun and games, gentlemen.

Is this what this is ail about?
This is why you wanted to come visit me?

- To start a fight with me and Mackworthy?
- I don't know, maybe, yes.

There's too many eyes out here right now.

We'll discuss this later.

I'll be here all week,
with my eye on you, K.P.

Black Bike Week is a whole week.

Monday, Tuesday...

Friday, Saturday. Got it.

- Yeah, 168 hours.
- Okay, I got it.

- Ten thousand eighty minutes.
- Got it.

- Seven whole days. Not five.
- Seven days.

Oh, so you guys just
got into town today?

I got here two days ago, but--

So you've been here longer"?

Seven days from right now. Okay?

Not talking a work week, five days.
Seven-day week.

Congratulations. I hope you got
a good rate on a hotel room.

I didn't.

Scott, push me out of here.

You need to make sure
these doors are locked at all times.

It's Black Biker weekend.

What's up with all these photographs?
It's a goddamn pigsty in here.

- I'm scrapbooking.
- Scrapbooking?

What are you, fucking 14? It's pathetic.

You need to come to the realization
that Maria is gone.

Never to return.

- I saw her today.
- Oh, really?

She say when she was coming back?
We could use the extra hands.

She was selling oranges by the road.

I didn't approach hen
She moked too fucking hot...

...and I just look like a fucking monster.

Selling oranges, huh?

So she's regressed back
to her natural state.

Next, she's gonna be
in a Home Depot parking lot...

...looking for construction jobs.

- Probably.
- You need to buck up, all right?

I got a bunch of black dudes trying
to kill me.

You don't see me making
a collage about it.

You're an expert
when it comes to women, right?

No duh.

Will you help me get Maria; back?'?

So you finally learned your lesson, huh?

I did.

I learned that Maria was the best thing
to ever happen to me...

...and I was stupid for even
second-guessing that for one minute.

Or maybe the lesson that you shouldn't
have told her when I told you not to.

Kenny, I'm lost. Yeah, I guess that...

Myrtle Beach ate me alive.

This town is just too much for me.

Yeah, city turned you into
a little fucking angry slut.

Happens to a lot of people.

I used to be the coolest kid on the block,
and now look at me.

Kenny, will you help me'?

Stevie, your own sexual appetite
has dug you into this hole.

So, unfortunately, it's gonna be up to you
to dig yourself out.

All I can do is...

mperhaps help you find
a new set of eyebrows.

You think I need new eyebrows?

I think you need a lot more
than eyebrows.

What are you doing, huh?

You give her, like, real hard, real slow.

And you have to move your hips...

And then at the very end,
pull a Chuck Berry and go:

You know?

What's happening, Ivan, Darnizzie?
Jacquiessence.

You guys just trying to
get a sesh in before the game?

I find it very comforting and soothing
to spend a little time in the blue room...

mbefore a big performance.

By big performance, do you mean
sitting on the bench and getting fat?

Ivan, I was laughing just then
to prove to you a point.

I've matured.

I've learned that it's all right
to admit when you're wrong.

I'm sorry I ruined your DJ gig
on the Fourth of July.

And burned down Club Celebrations.

I didn't mean to do that.
From this point on...

...you and I are exactly the same.

Just two guys
trying to make it to the bigs.

I sincerely hope
you'll accept my apology.

Psych.

Fuck your sorries, motherfucker.

I am young and strong,
and you are old and weak.

How is that alike to you?

Ivan, I'm not old, Tm mature.

No, you are fucking old, motherfucker.

You can't play in majors.
You can't even play in Myrtle Beach.

No, look at you. You don't get it.

I was nice at first,
but now I don't give a fuck.

I am going to majors and you're not.

Don't stand in my fucking way again.

AH right, let's grab some waves.
You know, let's go now.

Fuck him.

You dug yourself into this hole.

Now dig yourself out.

Here goes nothing.

Hang tight, Toby. I'll be right back.

Maria. Maria, please.

You need to go.
She doesn't want to talk to you.

Don't touch rne. Maria, I know you don't
want to see rne, okay? I understand.

But I have something
that you need to hear.

Maria, you are the only woman
that I have ever loved.

And you are the only woman
that has ever loved me.

You are the 0n\y thing that matters.

I know I'm an asshole,
and I know I'm not good enough.

But I will spend my entire life
trying to be the man that you deserve.

- Please, Maria--
- Okay, that's enough. Time to go.

Hey, mind your own fucking business.

Look away. Look away!

No! No!

Oh, God! Don't look at me!

I'm a monster!

Toby?

Toby! Toby-

Toby!

Toby!

Toby!

Toby!

Now's not the time. I'm trying to get
in the proper headspace for the game.

- But--
- Stevie, I cannot be a shoulder...

...for you to cry on right now, all right?

I lost him. I lost Toby. He's gone.

Say what?

I went to see Maria.
For two seconds, I turned my back...

...and now I can't find him.
He's not anywhere.

- What do you mean, he's gone?
- I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.

- You lost my son?
- I lost Toby, I'm sorry.

- You Mast my fucking son!
- I lost him.

- Goddamn it!
- I'm so fucking sorry.

- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Fucking kiH rne. KiH me, I'm sorry.

I'll buy you shrimp for the rest of your life.
You can eat off my butthole.

I don't want to. What makes you think
I want to eat instead of having my son?

Because I suck. That's why,
because I fucking suck.

Okay, well, retrace your steps. What did
you do? Pretend you lost your keys.

- Where is he?
- He was in my car...

And then what?

And then he was gone. I don't know.

I'm so fucking stupid.

Hello,
Kenny Powers. Hey, you missing something?

Mackworthy.

Oh. How you doing, man?
You sound stressed.

Where's my son?

Oh, you know, he's chilling.

Hey, you know I did you a favor.
You left the windows up.

Baby don't have no sweat g\ands.
Don't you know about babies? It's a baby.

- What do you Want?
- I got something in store for you, man.

Meet me at the Wings on Highway 17.

- The one with the shark in the front?
- And if you tell anyone...

...your bay-bay goes bye-bye.

What is that supposed to mean?
You're gonna kiH him?

No, I just don't wanna be waiting
at Wings all night.

That sounds Hke a veiled threat to me.

Come on, man. I might even
train him to caH me "daddy."

If you teach him one fucking word,
I will destroy you!

So fucking stupid. Maria was right.

I'm just a fucking scumbag.

Stevie, you weak motherfucker.

You listen to me right now.

You have made an ass-ton
of stupid choices in Myrtle Beach.

This is the moment of truth.

Now is not the time to lay on the ground
like a bald fucking baby.

Now is the time to be a fucking man.

Those guys messed with the wrong
motherfuckers and the wrong baby.

Fuck yes, they did.

I'm gonna wash the glue off of my head,
rip off my fucking eyebrows...

...and we're gonna go
get your fucking son.

I would \ove the opportunity to change
into street-fighting clothes.

- Fuck, yeah! Argh!
- Fuck, yeah, we are! Argh!

What the fuck is so funny?

Who the hell is this?

I'm your new nightmare.

We're not here to make you guys laugh.

I've come here for my son.

Now hand him over,
you fucking baby stealers.

I hope you brought a lot of toilet paper...

...because these razor blades are
going up your black asses.

Hold on. I was thinking
vve'd do something more like...

...a rematch of the pitching game.

Let's do a game instead of this.

There's no more time for games.

The game dock has struck zero.

You're now hereto seek your retribution,
Kenny Powers.

In front of this nautical-themed gift shop,
complete with a great White shark edifice.

Constructed by
none other than Bob Duato.

Bob Duato.

Fuck Bob Duato. And fuck you too.

Grim Creepaz!

Argh!

Stay the fuck back.

Stay back. I will put you motherfuckers
in the hospital.

Back up. Back up.

- Stevie!
- Kenny!

Stevie!

Don't hurt him.

Let's see how good you pitch
with a broke arm.

Don't do this, man. I got a kid.

Your kid ain't got nothing to do with this.

This is about justice.

An arm for an eye, Kenny Powers.

WiH you shut that goddamn baby up?

Damn it, Reg. I told you, break his arm.
Don't disobey me.

I am your master,
and you are my possession.

You will carry out my will
or you wlll feel my lash.

Don't raise up on me.
You break his arm. Do it.

No.

Back oh', creatures. You Maser-mans.

Oh, hell, no.

I'm Old South.

I'm Old South. I'm Old South.

Unh! OW!

- Hey, buddy. Yeah.
- I'm sorry for stealing your baby.

I did it because of my eye, man.
This ain't me.

I hear you, man.
I'm sorry I took your eye.

- I'm pretty sure I feel sad about it too.
- OW! Ow!

I didn't know you had regular feelings.

I do. I have tons of feelings and emotions.

Kenny, if we hurry,
We can still make it to the game.

- You got a game?
- It doesn't matter.

We'll never make it in time
with ail this traffic.

Besides, coach won't even play me.

- I'll probably lose my position on the team.
- No, you got a second chance, Kenny.

If not for you, do it for all us old ballers
who wish we could have one more inning.

Maybe tonight doesn't have to just be
my second chance.

What do you mean?

Reginald Guinevere Mackworthy,
will you catch for me today?

Creeps, Creeps, Creeps!

You fucking with me, Kenny Powers?
Or do you mean it?

I only speak what I mean.

Grim Creepaz.

Me and Kenny Powers got a game
to get to. Let's creep.

Fuck you! Go back to Russia,
you piece of shit!

Fuck me!

Son of a bitch.

From America with \ove. Fuck you!

Fuck you! Throw another battery!
It's your money!

Get the fuck out the way.

Mermen, behold me.

I come to you in your darkest hour of need
with my son and a secret Weapon.

This man is Reg Mackworthy.

And he's the Merrhen's
brand-new catcher.

- What the fuck?
- You can't bring any one-eyed asshole...

...onto the team
in the midd\e of the goddamn game.

Get him out of here. In fact,
get them all out of here. Right how.

Could you ask him again?
- He seems like he's starting to get--

- TeH him I work hard, I'm a go-getter.
- Can he be our catcher for this game?

Get the fuck off my field.

You guys should probably go.
He's getting pissed.

- Go!
- Sorry he's being an asshole.

- Thanks for the ride.
- Jacques. This is your big chance.

Get in there and relieve Ivan.

Fuck that. They're throwing batteries
and shit.

Skip. These fucking redneck Ruckus fans
may intimidate lvan's rookie ass...

...but they don't scare me.
I get fucking power from this.

I could use their rage
and fucking harness it!

Fucking put me in, you cock-sucker!

Okay!

Don't take it personally, all right?

Franchise star players
are a \ot like Highlanders.

- There can only be one;
- Highlandees?

Goddamn It. Just get
the fuck off my mound.

Fee\ the Ruckus, commie!

Power from my son.

And power from lvan's failure.

UMPIRE
Eh.

Strike, bitch.

Come on, Kenny. Whom!

Eat a dick, pal.

This one's for you, Shane dog.

Yo!

All right.

Fuck you, Kenny!

- Oh, you fucked up now.
- Oh, shit.

Fuck him up. Fuck him up.

Who the fuck wants some?

COTT19 on, COITIG OH, COITI9 on.

You're fucking out!

Kenny!

Yay, Kenny. Yay.

Stevie.

Take my baby.

What happened to your hair?

This is who I am without you.

A goddamn fucking weirdo.

Fuck, yeah.

There's no better feeling than winning.

Dealing your opponent the death blow,
then standing over his lifeless body...

was the world around you
leaps to their feet.

Falling all over each other to get a taste
of your hero's jism.

The immature man revels
in such adu/atfans.

The mature man, however,
celebrates not.

Because he knows that every victory is
just a precursor to another fucked-up test.

It's death on a stick out there.

So you're a surfer now?

Pretty much so.

Where's Toby?

He's inside my abode.

But if I were you,
I'd remove those braids.

Toby hates all hippie bullshit.

That's a toy that I made for him.

It's a fake T. rex with a dildo
crammed up his asshole.

It's one of Toby's favorites.

When you turn it on...

...it moves.

Di/dosaurus rex. Heh, heh.

Kenny, I think I owe you an explanation.

Yeah, I think that's probably in order.

I needed to get away,
and I tried to tell you that.

I didn't know what to do.

I went to my sister's for a while.

Raising a kid alone
has been really hard.

Oh, trust me, I fucking know. All right?

But I rose to the occasion.

Ahd I have become the best father
that has ever existed.

Arrogant, selfish, ignorant and absurd.

- That's you.
- Okay.

I get it. You hate me.

So why don't I just go ahead
and take the baby...

...and we're gonna leave you alone.

- To, like, "take him" take him?
-"Take him" take him.

I'l\ take him off your hands.

Of course, that's what I want" I-—

I've been wanting that
the whole entire time. So good, I'm g\ad.

I can finally rip down this stupid nursery.

And turn it back into my dojo,
so I can get back to my fucking training.

Stevie, code seven, gold dust.

There he is.

Hey, no, stay there.

There's a few things you should know.

He's changed a lot
since you've been gone.

He doesn't take shits as much
when he eats carrots, like you said he did.

I've been giving him Gerber...

wand all of his BMs have been running
pretty smooth.

You must've been feeding him
that bo-bo generic shit.

Gerber brand.

And also, he doesn't like cartoon shows.

He prefers military, action, war films
and teenage-oriented horror fiicks.

Okay, good to know.

The only reason why
I'm returning him to you...

...is because I don't want
to get caught up...

...in a custody battle when I'm trying
to focus on my comeback...

-...and becoming famous again.
- You don't have to explain.

I know I don't have to explain
anything to you.

I just want you to know
that you're not forgiven.

Okay.

- It's okay.
- Come here, buddy.

It's okay. Come here.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my goodness, hi.

Mommy missed you so much.

Do you wanna...?

You wanna tell Toby goodbye?

What for? I mean, it's not like
I'm gonna miss him or anything.

What's there to miss?