Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Chapter 9 - full transcript

Oh, what the fuck, Stevie! Gross!

You're crop dusting my whole
bedroom with your pubes.

Oh, sorry, Kenny.

Don't be sorry.
Just cover up that marble sack.

I think you mean marbles and bananas,
Kenny.

- I don't think so. I'm just seeing marbles.
- You're not looking close enough.

I don't want to fucking look closer.

- Okay.
- Wait a second here.

Hold up. Hold up!

- Hold up.
- What?

- Is that my thong?
- Yeah, all my stuff had blood on it.



Dude, no way.
You do not go in my drawers...

...and take a pair of my chones.
That's a big no-no.

I got these out of the dirty clothes.

Oh, my God! Sickening.
Dude, I'm about to throw up.

I got a list of shit
for you to do tomorrow.

It looks like buying underwear
moved to the top.

I also need you to fix the Denali.

- What's wrong with it?
- It don't fucking move.

Now, fix it. Jesus H. Christ.

Okay, so buy underwear, number one.
Number two, fix that car. Anything else?

Since you're turning this room
into your own quarters...

...you should make it comfortable.

It's been a traumatic experience for you.
Been through a lot.

Maybe you should get a flat-screen TV.
Don't skimp and get the Vizio.



Get what you deserve. Get the Sony.

I wonder if they have the 3D models
here yet.

Don't get excited, dude. 3D's gay.
Nobody wants to sit on a couch...

...wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of
the air like some fucked up Ray Charles.

- I do.
- Oh, you like 3D?

Well, here's a burrito.
Coming right at you.

Shit!

No, No. Stop laughing. I'm about
to go goddamn nuclear in Mexico.

- What's up, Powers?
- Why don't you tell me?

I finally win this team a game,
come in here today...

...and the workers are taking my
damn signs down.

Oh, look, we always change
the promo signs, Kenny.

You always change the signs.
Guess what? Not my signs.

My signs are staying up.
Trying to mount a comeback.

- I feel like nobody gives a shit.
- Why'd you think that?

Because I gave those fucking people,
all the villagers...

...my heart out there and I got shit
in return. I didn't even get a fucking this.

How fucking hard is it to do this
when someone does something good?

You think that's the first time
our fans have seen a strike-out?

They'll pick up on you at their own pace.

Getting everybody to love me
is a full-time job.

I need to focus on this.
If I don't have love, I don't have shit.

Look, hey, look the signs outside, the media
out there, forget about them, Kenny.

You're dumping all this shit in my lap and
I gotta play Mr. Belvedere and clean it up.

- Hey, Kenny.
- Enough!

No.

Well, looks like we got Atlanta
all over again.

Team ain't behind me the way I need.
We have to do this ourselves.

Kick-start this revolution. I want every
single person in this town saying my name.

At least you've got the grocery store
promotion coming up.

It's a perfect opportunity for me...

...to capture the hearts and minds
of these fucking villagers.

Also, I'm about one slow hump away
from finally being over April.

I want to knock that out before we get
too many worshipers, got it?

Actually, Maria, my sister-in-law,
she's available.

- She is?
- Sick.

Not interested. I always trade up.
That's part of my code.

Mom, why are we looking at the
ground of the store?

Don't be stupid, son.

We're looking for low prices!

Today we have the grand opening
of another Cisneros Supermarket.

We have invited the stars.

The biggest stars ever.

The Charros of Copales!

Kenny. Kenny.

Oh, hey. How's it going?
You hear I was in the barrio?

I was just going to the grocery store,
but...

Yeah, sure you were.

Why are you dressed as a mariachi?

You know, I'm just doing some PR shit
here for the baseball team.

Figured I'd dress in the customary,
you know, gowns and what not.

- You-? You likey?
- Yeah, you look cute.

Do I look muy guapo in this outfit?

Oh, yeah.

Delicioso, Matatan. You hear that?

This guy over here. Cheese dick.

So you're signing autographs?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be.

How come there's no one in your line?

Good question. I've been trying
to figure that out all goddamn morning.

I just feel like if you don't have
a soccer ball bouncing off your head...

...nobody even gives two shits
about you in this country.

Pick it up. Tonto, just pick it up.

Soccer is really popular here.

Not in America.
In America, people fucking hate soccer.

Honestly, that's the way it should be.

I don't know. I-I kind of like soccer.

- You kind of like soccer?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna pretend like you didn't just
make my dick go soft.

- Really?
- Yeah. No, it's totally soft.

It's just gone back inside of me
with that. No, don't talk about soccer.

Well, maybe...

Maybe you can show me
why baseball is better.

Gladly. How about, say, Saturday night
at a very cool yacht party?

- A yacht party?
- Just a few top-tier types.

An intimate dinner
with the owner of the Charros.

There's gonna be an ass ton
of crabs, lobsters, wine.

Bartles and Jaymes, corn on the cob,
fucking booger sugar.

But I can't tell
when you're being serious or not.

Sweetheart, I'm always serious.
Care for an autograph?

That's me and you, Saturday night.

Okay. See you on Saturday.

That's what's up.

All right, Matatan, you get the rest of these.
I'm gonna take me a siesta.

Hey, Maria. Time to change my bandage?

Looks like I'm healing pretty good, right?

Oh, that's right, you don't speak English.
I could just say whatever I want right now.

Like tell you my secrets and dreams
and hopes and pleasures.

Tell you what I like to do alone.

What my favorite foods are.
That's why I like you.

Hey, man.

- May I help you?
- Is Steve here?

- Yeah.
- Go and get him.

Okay.

- Got him.
- Where is he?

Right in front of you.
Who the fuck are you guys?

You tell that asshole
we found Eduardo Sanchez.

He give us money.
We give him address.

Go inside. I'll handle this.

Who the hell is Eduardo Sanchez?

Don't ask fucking questions.
Meet Monday at Big Red's grave.

- Who the hell is Big Red?
- Fuck you, and fuck your face.

Piece of shit.

- Yeah, you better get the fuck on.
- Suck this, motherfucker.

Piece of crap.

Bitches.

- Yeah.
- Party.

Here we go.

- Wow, that bike ride was fun.
- All right.

Yeah, well,
my main car's usually a Denali...

...but that shit's in the shop.

Just cruising around on this eco-friendly
deal now, trying to go green.

Wow, so the man who own this boat,
is-? Is he your boss, or-?

He owns the team,
but the way I'm operating...

...I don't really kind of adhere
to the normal boss kind of shit.

- Ahoy.
- Hi.

- Help me. Thank you.
- Sure.

- All right. One, two, three.
- Thanks.

Easy, Tonto. She's with me.
Why don't you sit down?

- My star player.
- Tonight's the night.

Yeah. Who is this firecracker?

Vida.

- You have a beautiful boat.
- Oh, thank you. I work so hard for it.

Welcome aboard
and meet the people on the boat.

Come on, mi gente.
Let's get this party started.

Start the party.

Thanks for inviting me to this shit.
It's fucking fairly fly.

Look at that. Look at that.

Told you I'd bring the hottest
senorita in Mexico to your party.

- How long have you been with this one?
- Vida?

- Yeah.
- She's been coming after me for weeks.

I had to deflect her with both hands.

Slow down. Stop trying to be the one.
I'm just out of a relationship.

But I bet you that sweet ass makes you
forget about any old relationship.

That's for sure.
That's why sometimes I masturbate.

It's hard to beat a nice ass. I take a nice ass
over like a big set of titties any day. You?

I like them both.
They're both fucking awesome.

Obviously. But if you had to choose
between titties or ass, which one?

Yeah, I see now what you're saying.
It's a hard choice.

- It's a choice in life.
- No shit. I mean, I guess...

...if I had to choose, I mean historically, I've
always considered myself to be a tit man.

But this one has you thinking.

Well, it's no mystery that ass
has always been tits' greatest enemy.

Like a Muslim-Jewish thing,
but with tits and ass.

And which side are you on?

All right. Same rules as last time.
No catching feelings.

I'm damaged goods. You'll have my body.
You will not have my heart.

- Please don't expect it.
- Stop talking.

And pull out your dick. I want to play.

Hey.

Who the hell are you?

My name is Tony. What is your name is?

My name is Kenny.
What, do you live here?

- Yeah.
- What are you...

- ...like Vida's roommate or some shit?
- No.

- I'm her son.
- Her son?

You came out of her vagina?

I was all up in that shit last night.

What are you watching on this TV set?
This programs?

So much funny stuff.

I've seen shit like this before.
It's not funny.

- Do you like magic?
- No. Not really.

Why, you gonna try to
make me disappear?

- I don't know how.
- I do.

Start calling me dad.

I was wondering if I'd feel bad,
you know, if, you know -

Not that I'm emotional,
but with blowing my load...

...after finding out that April
was married would have hurt.

- And did it?
- Not at all.

No, it was actually
pretty fucking awesome.

You should have seen the size of her ass.
It was incredible.

It was like a hot air balloon
right in front of me. I went...

...all over the thing as soon as I saw it.
The only thing iffy, turns out she has a kid.

- What? Like a real one?
- Seemed pretty real to me.

Sitting there playing
fucking magic on the couch.

I don't love the idea of her having a kid.

Makes you kind of feel
like her uterus is used up.

But I mean I guess the fact that I
didn't know she had a kid is pretty cool.

- And this kid is always home alone?
- Yeah, I guess so.

The fucking kid is home alone.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome, huh?

She's asking you
to try one of those peppers.

- These little suckers here?
- They're very good.

I don't like fucking around with peppers.

Stevie, you like putting slimy things
in your mouth, don't you?

- Yeah, I do.
- Suck it, dog.

Put it in. Look at him.

Yeah, lookit.

Don't just lick the tip. Bite it.

- I knew that...
- What a fucking pussy.

Kenny, there was some weird Mexican
motherfuckers that came by yesterday.

- Well, who were they?
- Some fucking mongoloid...

...and a fucking dwarf.

- What did they want?
- They thought...

...they found somebody
that you were looking for.

Some Mexican name like Eduardo
or something like that.

- Eduardo Sanchez.
- Yeah, that's it.

Who were those dudes, man?
They almost tried to step to me, Kenny.

Well, the littlest one
used to be my sidekick.

The big one, well,
he just pissed me off all the time.

- Did they say where they found him?
- Wait. Sidekick?

You were down here with another sidekick?
How long were you working with him?

Pull your head out of your ass, dipshit.
This is important.

I didn't just come to Mexico
to get drunk and fuck prostitutes.

I mean, you know, I came here for that...

...but I also came here
for something else too.

I came here looking for a man
by the name of Eduardo.

- And who is he?
- Well...

...it's more of a personal quest.

I'm not trying to pull
a bunch of other people involved.

Oh, but you'll put a little troll
on the case, huh?

Don't get your feelings hurt, all right?
I came to Mexico to find answers.

I thought maybe Eduardo would hold
those answers. Maybe he still does.

Testing, testing, testing.

Batteries working on here?

Tone.

Finally all the pieces are falling together.

All the answers I been searching for
are on the verge of totally being answered.

I put in the goddamn man-hours.
Fucking muscles, the sweats, the tears.

Now it's my turn. I got this country wet.

Now it's time to bend this bitch over
and make her cum.

- When you talk to these people, my friend.
- Yes.

- You make sure you talk to all of them.
- Okay.

- Kenny Powers! The Charros.
- Kenny Powers!

Villagers and townspeople,
come see Kenny Powers...

...destroy the competition in Mexico.

He's a national gift
from the good people of America to you.

Cheer for him. Bow to him. Worship him.

Kenny Powers, he's the White Flame...

...and he's burning this country
to the fucking ground.

The White Flame,
Mr. Kenny fucking Powers.

And now gentlemen, we can see
who is entering the field.

I have a note here informing me
that I should call him

The White Flame.

All right. Come on. Get these people
on their fucking feet, Powers.

Goddamn. What, is this fucking crowd
full of dead people?

Get on your feet, you motherfuckers.
Come on.

Fucking ingrates.

Hey, Powers! Hurry up,
so we can go get fucked up.

I know this fucker
ain't trying to distract me.

Hey, Kenny. Nobody gives a shit
for you over here in Mexico.

Hey.

Come on, Powders. We could
have fucked all the Tecate girls already.

What are you waiting for?
The major leagues to call you?

What you gonna say now, fucker?

You really want to do this?
You really want to do this?

Come on, tough guy.
Wanna be a motherfucking tough guy?

- Come on!
- No, no, no!

What are you doing?

Finally, motherfuckers. Finally!

Yes! On your feet.

It's like goddamn Cocktoberfest in here.

I'm excited too,
but let's not touch dicks, all right?

Kenny Powers and Barack Obama...

...are the most famous people
in show business, so fuck it.

Finally, some Kenny Powers fans. About
time you Latinos rose to the occasion.

Sign, La Flama Blanca.

What the hell?
I don't know what the fuck that means.

- It means you, White Flame.
- Me? White Flame?

That's lame as shit.
Where the fuck did you hear that?

Stupid kid probably just made that up,
so fuck it.

Listen here, little hombre.
I'll give you my autograph...

...but thou shall not fuck up
my branding. Do you hear me?

I'm wearing all black. All right?
Outlaws wear black.

Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.
Give me that ball.

Let's see here. How you say black
in Espa?ol?

You said it, not me.

That's what you and your buddies
need to be chanting.

None of this La Flama
whatever shit. Take that.

Me es Negro, guys. I'm a negro, capiche?

You don't even know what capiche means,
do you? That's because that's Russian.

What the fuck is that in your hand?

Fuck this.
I don't know how that got there.

- Goodbye, White Flame.
- No, did-?

Did you not just hear what I said?

Miss you, buddy.

So who's buried here?

Just an old friend.

Yo, man!

Buenos d?as,
you back-stabbing fuckers.

So I understand you all have found
the man Eduardo Sanchez. Is this true?

- Yes, we find him.
- It's "found. " It's past tense, munchkin.

Hey, hey, come on, easy. Easy, all right?

This is a simple transaction.
There's no reason for anybody to get cut.

Lower the scissors and the tiny blade.
Please. Lower them.

Tell your bitch to stop sassing me.

- I am not his bitch.
- Just...

All right? No reason to fucking bicker.

Both of y'all were my bitches, so it's fine.

You can bond on that.
Don't be at each other's throats.

Just give me and Hector some money
and we'll give you the address.

- We're keeping the pillowcase.
- Yes.

Fucking sleep on it.
Let me have the money first.

- Good, we will keep it.
- How much is that?

- About 40 dollars.
- Forty dollars?

- That's not 40 dollars.
- Forty bucks is all you're gonna get.

Just give us the fucking address.
Come on!

What the fuck is this?

- Hello, hello?
- The hell is his saying?

Hello, hello? Phone book,
motherfucker, phone book.

Hector thinks he might
be in there somewhere.

You motherfuckers.

So you roll me twice, huh?

Why don't you go back home
where you belong?

Why do you keep telling me to go home?
Why don't you go home?

Where the fuck are you from?
You're not from Mexico.

I'm from the streets of Bombay.
Mexico is the place where the gold is.

Well, I haven't seen any fucking gold
around here.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Yeah, maybe I'll find the Ewok village
you came from.

You got it wrong, buddy.
I'm Yoda.

Why don't you two charlatans
get out of here...

...before I rip that fake mustache
off your face?

I always carry two.

Always!

Fuck.

- I'm the king.
- Of what, motherfucker?

- Of mustaches?
- Fucking motherfuckers. Fuck. Fuck!

Nice pants. Where'd you get them at,
Gap Baby?

Don't fall in the river and someone
mistake you for a fucking floating turd.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you too, bitch.

- Goddamn it.
- Oh, fuck. It was my fault, dude.

Should have never
trusted a man that size.

So who is Eduardo Sanchez?

Doesn't matter anymore, Stevie.
Doesn't matter.

He's a mystery
best left for another day.

It matters to me, okay? It's important.
Tell me. I deserve to know, Kenny.

And because you just tried to speak to me
like a man, now you'll never know.

So have fun being curious.

I won't be able to fucking sleep without
knowing who Eduardo Sanchez is.

None of it matters anymore, Stevie.
I've found what I'm looking for.

Thank you for bringing us
to the carnival.

Yeah, no problem. If y'all want
any more tacos or churros or popcorn...

- ...just let me know, I'll get you more.
- I think we're fine.

You should be thanking me
for these tacos...

...because these seem like they're the deal.
Although I wonder...

...if I'm gonna get
Montezuma's Revenge from this shit.

You're gonna be fine.

- They wash their hands and stuff here?
- Of course.

Do you know
what Montezuma's Revenge is?

I hear it's when a white man
shits his pants in Mexico.

- Most of the time.
- Yeah.

Vida, there's something super serious I'd
like to talk to you two about, if that's okay.

- Okay.
- Take the computers out of your ears.

Tony, take the computers
out of los ojos.

Take your headphones down.
Take them out of the "earos. " Thank you.

Well, it's no mystery
that I'm damaged goods.

I think you guys both know that.
I've told you all that countless times.

It's also no secret that it's been hard for me
to get over my old girl back in the States.

I mean, you know that. I've talked to you
about it. Cried about it. You know.

But I'm starting to realize
that maybe it's time I wake up...

...and see that ship has sailed,
and now a new ship has come into port.

A pirate ship,
carrying some incredible bootie.

- Tony's here.
- Yeah, I know he's here.

I want him to hear this.

Tony, I'm gonna talk to you
like a man now, okay?

- Is that cool?
- Okay.

I have serious fucking feelings
for your mom.

I'm madly in love with her. I've never...

...never have ever felt like this
for anyone before.

Vida, baby,
I'm ready to say fuck the past...

...and commit to you right now. I'm ready
to commit to the both of you if I have to.

You don't need to commit to us.
We are just having fun...

...and you can take it slow.

No, I've taken it slow before
and it did not work out so good.

So I'm doing shit different this time.
I'm taking it super fast. Tony.

- Yes.
- From this moment forward...

...I want you to consider me
your father figure. To now. Raise it up.

- Father figure.
- He doesn't need that.

If this is gonna work for real...

...then we can no longer walk around
and pretend like he doesn't exist.

He does exist, Vida.

He's real and he's here
and he's right in front of us.

You matter to us now, Tony.

You matter to both of us now.

Who wants to go
on this roller coaster ride?

Sure, I want to have fun.

Fun begins now. Boom.
Let's do this shit. Shall we?

Okay.

Tacos. Let's go.