EastEnders (1985–…): Season 1, Episode 4465 - Episode #1.4465 - full transcript

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Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hey, Lo!

Apparently you're supposed to have
pasta the night before a big race.

Do you reckon spaghetti hoops
for lunch does the same thing?




Aah... Whoa, whoa, what... What are
you doing? You're supposed to be
setting an example for the boys.

Yeah, sweetheart, in case you don't
know, I am the manager. I've got to
stay focused and alert, all right?

Yeah? Well, what's it going to look
like, you waddling down the side of
the pitch with a big pot belly?

What? Look at me - what pot belly,
eh? It's a good job I'll be there
cheering you and the boys on, eh?

No, sweetheart, sorry, sweetheart.

You can't be at the match.

Why not? What do you mean, why not?
What's the matter with you?
Have you forgotten?

Today's the day when officially
the Olympics comes to Walford,
all right?

So I'm going to move
the Queen Vic outside.

That way I can milk this
momentous occasion dry.


But I was looking forward
to going to that match.

Kat, sweetheart,
we could make a few bob here.

Think of all the thirsty punters,

All queuing up for our finest ales.


Didn't want to go
to the poxy match anyway.

It's called the kiss, right?
I hold my torch out like that,

and wait for the fella behind me
to pass on the flame.

Right, that's that sorted.

Shall we make a move? Yeah!

Pops, tell them about your route.
Oh yeah, yeah, right.

So, I start
out on George Street, yeah?

Make my way onto Turpin Road,
past the war memorial,
and then out onto Bridge Street.

I'll get it. I'll get it! Then...

I do a quick lap of the Square,
end up at the Vic, and that's where
the next fella's waiting.

Is that where you kiss him?
That's right.

Will you make the first move?
Where he's been waiting all day
to hold your torch?


This is serious, Rox.

There's going to be thousands of
people watching me on that torch cam.

Sorry, what is he doing here?
I just wanted to give you this
before your run later on.

Yeah? Well, clear off.

Stay where you are.

Have you seen that ankle bracelet?

One more run-in with the law,
and she's locked up.

It weren't Jay's fault.

You heard her. It weren't his fault.
I don't care whose fault it is.

He's a bad influence.


Anyway, have I shown you
my tracksuit? Twice.

Bill, what's in that box?

These little beauties
are my new trainers.

Got 'em cheap online.

But I'm not going to get 'em out
yet, not till just before the race.
I don't want to scuff 'em up.

He thinks of everything, don't he?

I do. Talking of which, I'd better
go and see Denise at the shop.

I think it's what they call
a "PA" in the business.


Here, I've got
a little something for you.

It's a little bit bitten-up

but it was one of
George's favourites.

I love it.

Who'd have thought it, eh? Me flying
the flag for the Mitchells.

Yep, the world has gone
stark raving mad.

Just try not to mess it up, eh?
Hey, Phil...

I've waited my whole
life for this day.

Nothing is going to go wrong.

Excuse me.

See ya later. See ya.
See ya later, Bill. See ya.

Hello, Janine?

Yeah, I thought you'd forgotten...


I can't, cos Alfie's
expecting me at the match.

All right, give me 20 minutes.

I don't need a babysitter, Pops.

What about your curfew?

I said I'm going to be good,
and I will, all right?

Go on, then.

See you later.

Argee Bhajee.

Is this going to take long, Denise?

Only I've got a cut
and blow-dry at quarter past.

Kim! Kim... If you wouldn't mind
going and finding Billy,
and tell him to get a shift on.

Do come to the Argee Bhajee.


Might I remind you that I'm the one
that's paying your wages?

Power's gone to that woman's head.
It's like working for the Gestapo.

KIM: He's here!

And so, without further ado...

Er...on behalf of
the Minute Mart Head Office,

I'd like to officially launch...
Billy, if you wouldn't mind...

Our countdown clock,

which is counting down
to the very second

that our Olympic torch
arrives in Walford, so...


Everybody, everybody,
feel free to drop in and check out
our pies and pastries.

Dee, just give it up.
Just give it up.

TANYA: Oh, Lucy, Lucy...
We're due at the cash and carry.

No, I just wanted to tell you
that Linda's not been very well,

so Jane's had to fly out
to Florida to see her.

She did want to say happy birthday
before she went.
The phone's been playing up.

Yeah. Hey, you,
are you enjoying your day?

I feel sick. Oh.

Well, maybe I should take him
off your hands for a while?

Do you want to come and hang out
with me at the salon? It's OK. We're
doing just fine, aren't we, Bobby?

Yeah. Well, if you have any problems
over the holidays or anything...

You will be the first person I call.

She appears to be missing a head.

Moons! Hmm!

Some nice stuff in here. Mmm?

Look at this!

1948 Olympic programme.


Now you're talking.

The Moons?

You've got to be kidding me.

This is going straight
in my display cabinet.

Hey, hey!

The Mighty Sparrow.
Oh, you old dog, you!

Yeah, man!

Hey! Hi, fellas.

Oh. We've come for our share.

Yours is in the box.

This a wind-up, isn't it, yeah?

We agreed I'd have first dibs.

What, so we're left
with a pile of junk?

I've tried to be fair.

You've given us a jigsaw
of the Shropshire Hills.

There's only seven pieces missing.
I counted 'em myself.

You ain't going to get away
with this.

I think I already have, don't you?

Procuring goods under false
pretence. That is against the law.

Paddy, are you going to let them
slander your wife like that?

She's making a mug of you, Paddy.

What can I say, son?
Never hustle a hustler.

If I'd have known getting married

was going to ruffle
so many feathers,

I'd have done it months ago.


My dear Cora, would you mind
joining me for a dance?

What, here?

Oh, come on, let us show
these youngsters how it's done.


I've got a cabinet to fill.


Just the man.

Any chance of a lift
to the hospital?

That would mean travelling
out of my way, Bill.

So that would be a no, then.

What, you're not going?

No again.

So, what am I supposed
to say to Janine?
Dunno. Sure you can improvise.

Now, I want you to treat her
as if she was my daughter.

No hands where they shouldn't be,
and I want her home by
eight o'clock.

Is that understood?

Yes, Derek.

Good boy.

You seen her over there?

Can't be more than 19 or 20.

Good luck to him. Absolutely.

How are you?

Well, ain't you going
to introduce us?

Would do,
but she's a little bit shy.

Which is unusual, you know,
for a pole dancer.

We're going to have
all sorts walking those streets
over the next few weeks.

So I think we should just
do our best

to make sure that
everyone's catered for.

So, right, come on, let's try it
in Italian, here you are, go on.


Now let's try that with a smile.

You girls have been round
the houses, right?

I mean, what is it?
Five husbands between you?

Help me out here.

When me and Ray first got together,
it used to be every night.

Every night? Yeah.

Oh, you mean EVERY night?

Yeah, and now I'm lucky if I get it,
what, three, four times a week.

You think he's going off me?
I think you should be
grateful for what you get.

Unless, of course,
there's another woman involved.

What? How else do you explain
the lack of interest?

Kim! Just the girl I was looking
for. Have you got five minutes?

Mate, I've got four beds to make up,
a couple of Polish coming at four.

Look, the Olympics are coming
to town, baby.

Yeah, don't I know it.

Look, let's have a drink later,

You'll have to excuse my sister.

She's feeling a bit,
you know, neglected.

Every night?

Well, once a month would suit me.

Every quarter, even.

I'm not fussy. Ooh! You know what,
I meant to tell you.

I've had to rearrange the rota
just a little bit,

just to cover the shifts
during the Games.

Er, hello?
Are you going to buy this?

I ain't decided yet.
I'm not being funny, darlin',

but you've been thumbing through
that for the past three days.
All right. I'm done.


Eh, Zee, here you go.


I think there's been
a bit of a mistake.

It says I'm working here
every night till 11.

Yeah. Yeah, well, head office
have had to rearrange everything

and extend the hours
during the Games, so...

You expect me to serve at night
in here to drunks and degenerates?

Oh, Zee, Zee. It's a few weeks.
It's not the end of the world.

And what if I say no?

Well, I suppose I'll just
have to find someone

who's a little bit more
accommodating, won't I?


All right?

How is she?

Oh, she's sleeping.

Where's Michael?

Er... You know, he's probably
busy somewhere, isn't he?

You know what he's like.
I need him here, Billy.

Scarlett needs her dad.

Maybe you should have thought
of that before changing
the combination on the safe.

It's my money,
and I can do what I want with it.

And if he wants access,

then he's going to have to try
and gain my trust again.

Maybe it's a little bit late
for that now.

Why? What are you talking about?

I feel like piggy in the middle.
You say one thing, he says another.

Please. No, don't tell me
you told him the new combination?
He's your husband!

There I was thinking you
were fighting my corner.

I am! How much did he give you,
Billy? What, 500 quid?

Or a grand...
No, he never gave me nothing!

Look, all I want is an easy life.

You think I want to get
involved in your little domestics?

The only person that's important here
is this little one. Who cares how
much money he's going through?

Give me your keys.
What? What for?



Oh no, come on, Janine.

Janine, I need this job.

Lola's due with her little one
any day now.

Just answer me one thing.

Why did you even marry him?

Because I love him.


No, no, this ain't love.

This is toxic, that's what it is.


Are you sure you wouldn't rather be
at the hospital?

No, I need to be here.
Those shirts are a walking
billboard for us, you know?

I need to protect the brand.

I'm just saying, Jack,
that people are starting to talk.

Is that right? Yeah.
Let him have his fun, I said.

That's very good of you, Derek.
Well, it happens to us all
eventually, doesn't it?

What does? This mid-life crisis
that you're going through.

When you suddenly realise

that you're only one step away
from the knacker's yard.

Right, for those of you
that haven't heard,

I'm doing a charity abseil.

Starting up a trust fund
for Baby George.

Just me, a bit of rope
and down the side of the Vic.

So, come on, cough up.

Ooh, that's the stuff of fantasy,
that is, Shirl.

I mean, you scaling the rooftops,

dressed in all that
black leather gear.

Second thoughts,
I'll leave the bucket on the bar.

Hey, all right, fellas? Alfie!

What can I get you? I'll get these.
Seeing as I'm stuck in here all day.
Nothing for me, thanks.

Good lad, fasting. Got your mind
on the game. Proud of you.
Not coming to the match, Kat?

No, sadly, Mrs Moon here is
masterminding our official Olympic
launch, ain't you, darling?

Mmm. Serving pints to
sweaty tourists, more like.
Well, that IS a shame. Yeah.

You know, couple of pompoms, little
short skirt. Yeah. How else are we
going to distract the other team?

That's a good idea.
We could do with a stroke of luck.

Can't you get someone else?
No, we can't. Mrs Moon ain't
coming out to party, OK?

Right, so, what are you having?

No, I'm just on my way
over to the charity shop.

See how my old bits are selling.

Proper little diamond, ain't she?
Mrs Trueman.

Well, she's made a difficult week
that little bit more bearable. Yeah.

It's funny, though. Them two being
married. I mean, you'd have thought
they'd be living together.


That's her son-in-law over there.

What do you make of Cora
getting hitched again?

Yeah, happy days, yeah.

Tell him I'll throw in a donkey
and all, yeah? Anything to get her
off my hands.

Are you intending to buy anything,
or just mess up my display?

I'll let you know, shall I?

Cora, Cora, Cora, look.
Take a look at this.

It's a bit like the one
you lost the other week.

Nothing like it.

Well, the pattern seems similar.

Take a closer look now, man.
Don't want to.

Tell you what,
why don't I buy it for you?

It's my way of saying thank you.

What for?


For making me feel young again.

Hey, you never did tell me
who gave it to you.

An old friend.

Were they special?

Oh, will you two just get a room?
Right, that's it. Out!


Lola? Get a chair, Patrick.

It's all right, darling.
It's all right.

You're just starting contractions,
that's all.

Your face, Grandma!

Empty your pockets.

I'm sorry?

Those shelves were full
this morning.

Now they're half-empty.
Well, I ain't taken anything.

No, that's mine!

Patrick. Call the police.

Oh, come on, you've got it back.
No harm done, huh?

You don't set foot
in this shop again. Do you hear me?

Do you understand?




Cora, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I tell you what, why don't
I just tidy all this thing up.

Oh, just go!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've got a splitting headache.

Here he is. My star player.

Alfie, I think I'm going to
have to bin it off. What are you
talking about? You can't do that.

I've got to be back here at eight at
the latest to warm up. Whoa, when
has Alfie Moon ever let you down?

What about if I get injured, eh?
Oh... There's a lot of people
relying on these feet and this hand.

What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently they're nutters.

Got kicked out of the league last
year for aggravated assault. Oi!
Keep that quiet... Billy, listen.

I'll wrap you in bubble wrap
if I have to. Put the shirt on,
I'm begging you. Come on!

And the Gazette
are going to be there? Yes!

All over it. They want to cover
their Olympic hero on the pitch.
Come on, Billy, I'm begging you.

Yes, yeah...?
Well, I can't let the team down.

Course you can't. I could kiss you,
Billy Mitchell. No, don't.


Have you told him that the only
reason he's playing is so you can
drum up a bit of free publicity?

Not in so many words, no.
Does Ray know you subbed him
for Fozzie Bear yet?

No. That's your job.

You're the manager. You sort it out.

I expect Janet and William
are really excited. Yeah.
Honey's dropping them off later.

Apparently they've been making
banners at school and everything.

Well, I'll be on that starting line,
waving my little flag.

Right, come on, fellas, if you'd
like to make your way out now.

Come on, Mrs Moon will be waiting
here with a tray of beverages
on our return. Let's go.

Hardly seems fair, does it? No.

Us stuck here while
they have all the fun. Mmm.

Tamwar, why haven't you opened yet?

Been open all day.

Well, then make yourself busy, you
know, do something. Do the accounts.
I've done them already.


Let's just say everything's got
a big fat minus in front of it.


Why can't this family catch a break,

You know, I used to have dreams.

Now everyone looks at me
as if I'm stupid.

That's not true.

Most of them are terrified of you.


I cannot let this place fail
as well.

We've tried everything, OK?

We've tried all you can eat,
home delivery...

Two for one. I can't even give
the food away, Mum. OK, fine!

Then we think of something else,
don't we? You know,
I've let things slide for too long.


How about, er...

Fast boxes.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes!

We get up before sunrise,
and we cook for, er...taxi drivers,

for postmen,
anybody who needs to eat.

Everyone needs to eat, Mum.
Yes, at that time of the morning.

Doesn't Denise need you
back at the shop?
No! Forget about the damn shop!

I need to focus my energies
on this place.

You can't be serious.

There's not even enough money
to pay MY wages, Mum.

We need every penny
we can get right now.


You're underage. Hop it.

Er...I'm 16.

Don't give a monkey's.
Sling your hook.

She's not doing any harm, is she?

How long have you got to go?

She's due Saturday.

You can't decide when she's coming.
She decides for you.

I want a word with you.

Will you pipe down, Grandma?

I've got a bill here
for damage to my stock.

Well, I ain't got any money.

Tell that to the magistrate.

But they'll lock me up.

You should have thought of that
before you went on a rampage.

Look at this. Broken Britain.

That's rich, coming from you.

I'm sorry?

"ASBO Granny." That's what
they called you, didn't they?

Acting all high and mighty.

You want to remember
where you come from, darlin'.

And you want to watch that mouth of
yours. It's going to get you into
trouble one of these days...

Hello, Mrs Trueman.

Oh, she's not Mrs True... Joy!

What a surprise.

Patrick not about?

He's visiting his friend, Jim.

He'll be so sorry
to have missed you.

I shouldn't worry about it.
It's you I've come to see.

Shall we go somewhere a bit quieter?

Why did you do that?

Cos you and me
ain't all that different.

How come?

I used to be a mouthy
little brat, and all.

You're all right, you know.

Ha! For an old bird. Yeah, I get it.

I never said that.

You don't have to.

You don't have to look in the mirror
every day. Well, Pops reckons
you're a right laugh.

Shame not everyone agrees with that.
Well, I reckon you still know
how to have a good time.

Yeah, so do I.

Jean, you know how to mix a drink,
don't you?

Oh, I'm up to Mojito
in Alfie's cocktail book.

Except I ran out of mint,
so I had to use parsley instead.


That's official, then.

Consider yourself temporary landlady
of the Queen Vic.



Fellas, come on,
can we switch the phones off?

I need your undivided
attention here. Lads, please!

I promise I won't be any trouble.
I'll just sit here
and watch you work.

Don't drink that in the car, then.


It would be churlish of me not
to get into the spirit of things.

So stick me down
for the graveyard shift.

But what about the drunks
and degenerates?

I can handle your sister.

So how are you feeling?

Much better. Were you really ill?

No, I was just hoping Dad might call
to wish me a happy birthday.

Look, I tell you what.

You help me on the stall today,

and I'll treat you to the cinema
tomorrow night.

But I thought we didn't have
any money?

So I'll write myself an IOU.

Hello, love! Hi.

Marie says you're setting up
a stall outside for the torch run.

Yeah, it's a no-brainer. Why
miss out on all that passing trade?



I'm sorry, I slipped with the knife.

It's just a scratch.
Let's get you cleaned up, come here.

No, no, it's OK. I can do that.
Hold that on there.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

This is no place for a child.


Where are you taking him?


Hold on!

Er... Why don't you wait until
the boys come back,

and then we can find out
how they got on?

I'll find out later, won't I?

Well, where shall I say you've gone?

Just tell Alfie...

Do you know what, Jean?
He might not even notice.

Hello, Queen Vic.

You, um...

You been working in that shop long?

Just over six months.

Nice little escape, I bet.

I expect head office sleep easy,

knowing they've left their shop
in capable hands.

Little do they know that their
manageress is nothing...

but a glorified grave robber.

I'm sorry?

Making out like you're married.

Parasites, the pair of you!

Oh, darling!


I don't know what you've heard, Joy,
but you're mistaken.

Now, if you'll excuse us.

We have commitments elsewhere.

Did you see that? I think she's after
a bit more than just his bus pass.


Jean, who were you gassing with?

I'm sorry. I've got to go.


Jean, what's happened?



Oi, shall we get some chicken?

Yeah, when I've finished here,
we can.

How do you stick this all day?

It's like, erm...
Solving a big puzzle.

I love it, me.

When this one's popped out, I'm
going to do a hairdressing course.

And how are you going to manage that
with a baby?

I'll take her with me, won't...

Right, turn the engine on
for me please, Lo.


Oh, not on the car.
Not on the car, Lo!


Eh... Mmm?

You'll never guess
who Patrick's copped off with.

Only Cora Cross.

What, old Scary Mary with the hair?

That basically makes me half
Branning. I could live with that.

Hello, my love! Can I have a double
brandy, please? Yeah, sure.

Any donations?

Yeah, two quid from Winston,
and a dodgy fiver from my Nan.
What, and that's it?

Why don't you go behind the bar and
take the money out of their change?
I might have to at this rate.

Don't let me stop you. There's
a table out the back to be set up
for outside. Where are you going?

Free Woo Woos for a year.
Take what you want. Kat!

Well, that was a show
and a half, weren't it, eh?

And what happened to Andrew, eh?

Pie problems or something.
OK, granted, it wasn't one of our
better games, all right.

One of our better games?
You leaving our best striker on
the bench didn't help, did it, Alf?

Made us look like a right
bunch of Muppets.

They were meatheads.
Yeah, I nicked three of them
when I was in uniform.

There were some dirty tackles,
Derek. Yeah(!)

Pansies, the lot of you.
No offence, Syed. None taken.

Eh, did I tell you all about
my route? Ohh! Three times, man.

And the kiss? That's Olympic speak
for the handover. Will you stop
banging on about that flaming torch?

Derek, let Billy have his moment.
It's all right, Alfie.
Just jealous, ain't he?

Be home soon enough.
57 minutes and counting.

I'll tell you where you went wrong.
Go on, enlighten us.

These two clowns over here.
Oi! Hiding most of the game.

Hiding at the back
like a pair of girls.

No offence, Syed.

I make him right, to be fair, Jack.

Well, is it any wonder
with him giving it the large
from the touchline?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lads, play nicely, OK?

If you didn't spend so much time
chasing skirt

and a bit more time concentrating
on the job, we wouldn't have
been in that mess.

Oi, what exactly is your problem?
I just don't like seeing my little
brother make a fool of himself.

At least I'm getting some action.
Closest thing you've got
to a bird lately

is rubbing up that
Rose in the chippy place.


You can shut your noise for a start.
There's plenty I could say about
you. All right, calm down.

Told Tanya lately, have you?
Told her what? Shut up, yeah?

All right, time out, lads, OK?
He never played football as a kid,
did he? No, he had a club foot.

No! I didn't have a club foot,
I had fallen arches.

No, no, no, you had special heels
in the back of your shoes.

They were corrective shoes,
and I only wore 'em for six months!



What have you done?


OK, so there is two large fries.
And six chicken wings. All right?

Don't forget my ribs.
Don't forget the ribs.

Oi... Have you seen Derek's car?

Can you just give me my chicken,
please! Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep,
OK. There you go, all right?

Where are you going?
Pops' big day, innit?
I've got to get a seat at the front.

You all right?



It ain't supposed to happen yet!

What weren't supposed to happen yet?

I'm having a baby!

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Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
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