Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 1, Episode 9 - Todd - full transcript

[ax sharpening]

- Hey Gretta, Nana and I are
doing some decluttering.

Got anything for Goodwill?

[blows on ax]

- Who's Goodwill?

- Yeah, the less fortunate.

Anything you want to donate?

- Oh, for the poor box.

Mmm, I fear all of these
things are essential.

- What's in this?

- Half a dead mouse, I believe.



[Dwight chuckling]

- Ah, why do you have
half a dead mouse?

- I suppose you're right.

You may take it for the poor.

- What happened to
the other half?

- It's a grim tale.

It all began--

- Stop.

I don't want to know.

What's in here?

That just looks like old mail.

Just adding clutter
to your lives.

A good rule is, if you haven't
opened it in two years,

you should just throw it out.



So how about we make two stacks?

One for keep, and one for shred.

- Oh, very well.

[mail clattering]

[trunk squeaking]

[epic music]

♪

♪

- What vision of beauty is thi?

[gasps]

- Hey, what about this bust
of King Azret the Grim?

Gretta?

[medieval music]

Dwight: Okay, so about
1,000 years ago,

there was this princess, Grett.

And she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician Baldric
cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in
the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead, they got me.

♪

♪

Gretta: Halt!

Halt, kind sir.

A gift?

- No.

That's your newspaper.

You paid for it.

- What is your name,
gallant stranger?

- Huh?

Todd.

- Todd.

There is music in the sound.

And where do you hail from,
fair Todd?

- What?

- She means where do you live?

- Oh, um, the new neighborhood
behind the Walmart.

- Sir Todd of
Behind the Walmart.

The honor of making
your acquaintance

has been the bright
spot of my life.

- Huh?

Gretta: How thrilling it is to
watch you ply your trade.

- You're doing a great
job with those papers.

- Oh, it's pretty easy.

I got a bike.

Gretta: How nobly
you sit upon it.

Sir Dwight, aself me.

Quickly.

I wish to remember
this moment.

- I am absolutely not
going to do that.

- I gotta go.

- Oh, you may take my favor
and carry it with you

to inspire and protect
you in battle.

- That's okay.

I got Kleenexes.

- Farewell!

Todd, Todd.

Oh, Todd.

- Still no venison
at the market.

Gretta: His name is Todd.

Todd of Behind the Walmart.

- That's whose name,
Your Highness?

- Him!

My one true love!

- Your what?

- My heart's beat.

My life's meaning.

The light of my bosom.

- Please, don't say bosom.

[sniffing newspaper]

- Oh, my sweet Todd.

- You know this Todd?

- I think she means
the paper boy.

I didn't even know people
still read newspapers.

[kissing newspaper]

Baldric: Something is amiss.

[kissing continues]

♪

[giggling]

- She has fallen
under an enchantment.

- Are you sure?

- I must devise a way
to win his heart.

This pursuit will be
my life's mission,

until sweet Todd is my own.

[gasps]

- Well, that was terrifying.

- Tell me everything!

- Uh, let's see.

Well, she was sorting mail.

Here's her stack, she--

She put everything
in the keep pile.

That's not the point at all.

[Baldric gasps]

- Hexela.

- Hexela?

- Mmm.

[clears throat]

I fear she has fallen
under a love spell.

When the princess read
the words in this letter,

she fell deeply in love with
the first person she saw.

- Todd on his paper route.

- Come, Sir Dwight.

A confrontation is in order.

♪

[Baldric grunting]

- The entrance is barred.

- "Friends, one and all,

"the salon is closed this week
while I attend a convention.

"The stars are aligned for
safe return travel

on Saturday evening."

- Saturday evening?

- That's three days.

Baldric: Even then, she
will exact a painful price

for breaking the spell.

- Well, she can't
have Gretta's bones.

We got to stick to our guns
on that one.

Baldric: Assuredly.

She may demand instead
a year of servitude

or all the books
in my collection.

Even my hand in matrimony.

- Really?

Hey, man.

You could do a lot worse.

- Whatever her price,
rest assured, it will be high.

- Well, you're a magician,
Baldric.

Can't you just break the spell?

- If my scepter were
in one piece.

- Man, you're really
hung up on that.

Look, don't allow your
limitations to define you.

This is your chance to
see what you can do

without a magic scepter
holding you back.

- And so I shall.

[knocking]

Baldric: Enter!

- Any change?

- See for yourself.

- Oh, your timing is superb.

I have just finished my work.

What do you think?

- It's great.

Gretta: I have been thinking.

I must do something
special for my Todd.

Something fragrant
and savory that says,

you are invited to
feast at my table.

Of love!

[Baldric groans]

- So you're going to
cook something?

Gretta: Oh, certainly not!

Cooking is for cooks.

I will go hire one.

- You can't leave in such
a state, Highness.

Your enemies are all about.

Consider the danger.

- What care I about danger?

[Gretta singing]

- After her!

Wait, not like that.

Arm yourself, quickly!

[chuckles]

The princess' brain
is addled with love.

She cannot defend herself.

You must defend her.

- But this is Gretta's
favorite sword.

She would never let me--

- Gird up your loins and
do what must be done!

- Please don't say loins.

- I'm going to return to
my books to find the remedy.

♪

- Come on, Gretta,
can you stay focused here?

To the tavern, and back.

That's the mission.

- You worry too much,
Sir Dwight.

Look at this beautiful day.

Look at these flowers!

Look at that perfectly
shaped cloud

that looks exactly like Todd!

Dwight: I would have said bunn.

- There it is!

- Huh.

That place is new.

Gretta: The best cooks
in the village.

Only the best for my Todd.

Smell that roasting flesh.

[sighs]

- What is it?

- What do you mean, what is it?

It is quite obviously
a glazed hog's head.

- Actually, you're right.

It is quite obviously
a glazed hog's head.

- Won't Todd be surprised
and overwhelmed?

- That is a guarantee.

[Gretta gasps]

- He'll be here any minute!

Hurry!

[groans in disgust]

♪

- Todd!

'Tis but a small
token of my esteem!

[screams]

- Todd!

Todd!

Come back!

Todd, come back!

I made it just for you!

Todd!

- I fashioned this mask
out of pixie wings

and the hairs of
a unicorn tail.

When I wear it,

I can read the enchanted letter

without the enchantment
taking effect on me.

- That's great, cause this is
getting way out of hand.

- Here we go.

All right.

My sweet, darling,
Baldy-boo--

- Baldy-boo?

- Uh, let's just skip ahead
to the pertinent part.

Ah!

"When you read these words,

"you will assume the love mind
and will fall deeply in love

with the first person
you behold."

- Go on, go on!

- That's all it says.

- Well, we knew that!

- I'd hoped for slightly
more information.

Now, now,
let's just take a moment

to appreciate the mask, mmm?

Oh, ah!

I worked all morning on this.

[door opens and closes]

- You know what?

Great work.

Really, Baldric.

We'll get some tape later and
we'll put it on the fridge.

- Yes!

♪

- I was too forward.

I see it now.

My Todd is a discerning soul.

Of course he could
never be impressed

by a brazen hog's head!

He appreciates subtlety.

Mystery.

Romance.

- Here, I'll put your pig
in the fridge.

- When he comes on the morrow,

he will see the princess
of his imaginings.

The lady spoken of
in legend and song.

[sighs]

["Flower Duet"
from the opera Lakmé]

♪

♪

♪

♪

- Sir Dwight, would
you kindly rid us

of the angels in the tower?

♪

- The light was right, I had the
flower petals, the choir.

What more can
a maiden do, Baldric?

Dwight: Hey, you guys
were really awesome.

Great job, really.

Really, thank you so much.

Yeah, you can keep the wings.

That's real gold.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You were really, really,
really, really good.

Really good, guys.

♪

[Gretta sighs]

- Hey, maybe it's not
meant to be, Gretta.

You're a royal warrior princess
from 1,000 years ago,

and Todd is a seventh grade
paper boy from Woodside.

Plus, everybody
knows print is dead.

You really want
a guy with no future?

- That's it.

Sir Dwight, you
must tell me at once

the secrets of
love in your time!

How does a woman win
a man's heart here?

- Whoa, no, no, no, no, no!

You're not roping me
into this circus.

- What? Why not?

- Because you don't really
love Todd, Gretta!

What happened was you
read a magic love letter

that turned your brain
into silly putty.

- You're jealous.

[Baldric laughs]

Dwight: Jealous?

[clattering]

[suspenseful music]

[both yelling]

- Chlodwig?

- What ho, brother!

- Does he have kitchen
privileges now?

- No!

Unhand that hog, sir.

Chlodwig: I couldn't help but
overhear that you were in ned

of some sage advice
on the subject of love.

You are in luck,

for no one knows more
of love than Chlodwig.

- I have to stop you
right there.

- Oh, Chlodwig!

What torments I am suffering!

Every moment spent without
my sweet Todd is agony!

- You tried a hog's head?

- It failed!

Chlodwig: Hmm.

All you need
is a cunning ploy.

Does he have a pet?

- I don't know.

- Well, if he does,
you should kidnap it.

- Here we go.

- He'll come to you
with his sorrows,

and when you return his pet to
him, he'll be so happy he'll--

- Call the cops and
get a restraining order.

Chlodwig: I've got it!

You must simply contrive a way
to put the boy's life in peri.

Perhaps with a pack of wolves,
or a legion of orcs.

And then you must contrive
a way to rescue him,

but in the nick of time.

- Oh!

- What could be simpler?

- Literally anything
would be simpler.

- Huzzah!

Behold the answer.

- The Woodside Mall?

- Come, Baldric,
we leave at once.

- Gretta doesn't need a bunch
of stuff she doesn't need.

What she needs is
you to magician up,

and break Hexela's spell.

- Begging your pardon, Highness,

but there's an urgent matter
that demands my attention.

Gretta: Oh.

Sir Dwight?

- How about we go to
the mall another time,

and now we get the couch
off the front lawn?

Come on, it'll be fun!

- I think I'll leave that
to you, Sir Dwight.

I have exhausted myself.

I shall go lie down
in my chamber.

- Good idea.

You've had a big day.

- Chlodwig!

You once promised you
would do anything for me.

- I am bound by my word,
Princess.

- To the Woodside Mall.

[upbeat music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[grunts]

- Come on.

- Sir Dwight, take
a look at this.

Heaven preserve us.

[song resumes]

♪

- My Todd will be here
presently.

- This is your moment, cuz.

[newspaper hits wall]

- Was that a--

[newspaper hits gate]

[mud splats]

[music intensifies]

- We're under siege!

Run! Run!

Everyone in the house!

Dwight, run!

Go, Princess!

Go, Chlodwig!

[loudly groaning]

- My Todd is stranded
in the field of battle.

He may be caught in the fray.

♪

- Good news is Todd's fine.

- Oh, thank heaven!

- Bad news is,

I don't think he's going to be
coming around here anymore.

Chlodwig: A miniature catapul.

A clever youth, this Todd
of Behind the Walmart.

- He's not coming?

He does not wish to see me.

I understand.

My life is meaningless!

Every moment of misery since I
was a babe in my mother's womb!

[crying]

- Please don't say womb.

[Gretta crying]

- What be the clock, Sir Dwight?

- It's almost 6:00.

- Hexela should have arrived
at her shop by now.

Let us away, at once!

- Away?

And leave me here
in my wretchedness?

[crying continues]

- It is time we resolved this.

Sir Dwight!

[crying continues]

- I'll hold down the fort.

[bangs against doors]

[grunts]

- Still barred.

Where is the witch?

- It's a pull, not a push.

[Baldric grunts in frustration]

♪

- Hexela.

- Baldric!

Always a pleasure.

- Recognize this, Hexela?

It was found among
my belongings.

[sniffing]

- Yes, it tastes
like one of mine.

But it must be very old.

You really should throw
away old mail, you know.

If you haven't read
it in two years.

- Thank you.

Baldric: Princess Gretta has
fallen under the enchantment.

I have come to demand that you
release her from this spell.

- Hmm.

Well, I shall require
payment, of course.

- We've been through this.

The Princess is keeping
every one of her bones.

Even the little ones.

- Shh.

No.

No, no.

This time I will require payment
from you.

[Baldric gasps]

♪

- One moment, please.

- Yes.

- The cost could be dear.

A year of servitude,
my magic books.

- Marriage.

Baldric: Or something
even worse.

- Todd's eyes are blue.

[Hexela pouring tea]

Baldric: Name your price, Mad.

Hexela: Well, as you can see,
I was just sitting down to tea.

You, Baldric, must join me.

- Join you?

- For tea.

It's getting cold.

Do you agree to the terms
or not?

[Baldric stammering]

- Yes.

I agree.

That is, I should be delighted.

- Excellent.

[Hexela humming]

[dramatic music]

- Hmm.

Smile pretty.

[blows]

[Gretta coughing]

Dwight: Gretta, Gretta!

Are you okay?

Are you you?

- Where am I,
and why do my feet hurt?

Dwight: Gretta,
tell me about Todd.

Tell me about his eyes.

- What are you doing
with my sword?

What did I tell you about
touching my sword?

You're going to chop
your own head off.

- She's back.

[Baldric chuckles]

- Have fun, you two.

Come on.

♪

♪

Gretta: Hold!

You may give these to Good
William with my compliments.

- Will do.

- And these may be
turned to shreds.

[newspaper hits Baldric]

- The news chronicle
has arrived.

- Good shot, Master Todd!

- I hope all this
fits in the car.

- My first experience with love.

And it was a catastrophe.

- Highness.

That was not love.

- A mortifying catastrophe.

Baldric: You were bewitched.

Real love is a different thing
altogether.

- It is?

- You'll know it
when you find it.

♪

Dwight: Got some shoes.

♪

[car trunk shuts]

Great.

♪

♪

♪