Duncanville (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sister, Wife - full transcript
Jack and Annie visit a 1980s-themed club on their anniversary; Jing makes Duncan marry her; Kimberly acts out for attention.
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy!
- Raaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
Hurry up, Duncan.
Hang on.
I'm still making my gift.
Let him focus.
The thumb is the hardest part.
Time's up.
We're going in.
Happy anniversary...
What are you doing to Mommy?
Mommy and I
are just pounding it out.
Obviously, he means
the dust from this rug.
It's spring cleaning day.
- It's your anniversary.
- We know.
That's how we remember
it's time to tidy up.
And to do our taxes.
Well, here's your gift.
Oh, Dunkie.
It's your best one yet.
Yeah, I'm already working
on my Thanksgiving one.
Oh, cute.
Okay, tubs re-caulked,
chimney swept,
and fire extinguisher charged.
And I cleaned the dust
off the ceiling fan.
- How did you get up there?
- Does it really matter? Hey.
Ooh, text alert
from House Warehouse.
"Spring cleaning price slash."
They've got air filters
on sale.
- The ones we like!
- There's air filters you like?
Duncan, get in here.
Your father and I are going
to the home improvement store
and we need you to watch Jing.
But I have plans
with my friends
to throw old TVs in the quarry
and watch them explode.
Why do I always have
to watch Jing?
- Kimberly's old enough.
- Well, Kimberly's not here, is she?
I'm right here. Ignoring the
middle child is so cliché.
We don't ignore you.
We just forget you.
- Do you wanna watch Jing?
- I'd be happy to.
So which are the outlets
that are okay for her to lick?
None!
Duncan, you have to stay.
Yay!
- Ha, ha.
- Kimberly will come with us.
Her tiny hands can sort
through cabinet screws.
And she'll get
our undivided attention.
- Where'd she go?
- She must already be in the car.
- So Jing, ready for a nap?
- I just woke up.
Yeah, me too.
But I could sleep.
I'm too excited to sleep.
I have the whole day with the
greatest brother in the world,
and I don't want
to miss one second of it.
- Let's go.
- Ugh, slow down.
My big legs can't keep up
with your little ones.
What are you gonna do first? I'm gonna
go watch the plant-watering
demonstration.
Uh, checking out the bird feeders.
- Hey!
- Ooh, forgot her again.
Sorry, honey.
Somebody just earned a ride
on the pony express.
Ride 'em, cowgirl!
- Get off. You're gonna catch fire.
- Let me burn.
So Hector's looking
for clues to find treasure,
and he needs our help.
I'm looking for clues
to find treasure,
and I need your help.
- We'll help you, Hector.
- He can't hear you, Duncan.
Thanks for your help.
Now let's look
at the clues I've collected.
A bike seat, a bike handlebar,
and a bike wheel.
Can you figure out what it is?
- A bike.
- A jet ski... a bike.
It's a bike!
- Yeah!
- Let's see.
One ear of corn, boop,
one slice of bread, beep.
Oh, the diet starts tomorrow,
am I right?
- Wanna donate to Save the Planet?
- No way.
Annie, this is
the garden hose
we've waited
our whole lives for.
On the commercial, a gorilla
could not bite through it.
- And it tried.
- If you guys don't hurry up,
I'm calling an Amber Alert
on myself.
Calm down, Kimber.
We're almost done.
Jack, a paint drying demo,
and it just started.
That's it. I'm gonna
flirt with the stock boys,
and move in with the one
that's also in a band.
Hmm, yeah. Sounds great honey.
Have fun.
In about 20 minutes,
you'll start to see hints of yellow.
Don't tell me
what's gonna happen.
Name of the game is Memory.
You flip two, you get to keep them.
Here we go, here we go.
- Match.
- You're lucky you're cute.
Okay, weirdly, Jing,
this has been fun.
- But you need to take a nap.
- No!
Can we do one more thing?
Please?
Okay, what do you wanna do?
- Let's get married!
- Not this again, no!
- But why?
- I'm your brother.
I don't care. I love you.
- Marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
Marry me.
Marry me.
- Stop saying "marry me."
- Stop saying, what?
- "Marry me."
- I will!
I thought you'd never ask.
Duncan.
Dude, you missed so much fun.
I thought watching TV was good,
but watching TVs explode
is even better.
Yeah, 4K blow up good,
but OLED, blam!
What's with the tie?
Going to court?
Jing is making me do this
stupid make-believe wedding.
- She finally wore you down, huh?
- Mazel tov.
I love weddings.
My mom's had three of them.
This one's gonna stick.
I promise, baby.
- Four.
- This is adorable.
- Do you have a minister?
- No. Why?
And the denizens
of hell would scream,
but for the brimstone
in their mouths!
And so it is in love.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
What's going on?
Your son's marrying
your daughter.
New air filters? Nice.
- Seriously?
- Whoops, did it again.
As long as I can remember,
which is about 10 months ago,
I've always wanted
to marry you.
She can do so much better.
Duncan, I promise to always
be loving and fun,
just like Mommy and Daddy...
- They wanna be us.
- ...used to be.
And not sad and boring,
like they are now.
- Sad and boring?
- We are not sending them a gift.
Thank you
for marrying me, Duncan.
Oh, well, it was easier
than that memory game.
Is that what you kids think
of our marriage?
That we're boring and no fun?
Yeah, but, like,
only when we think about it,
which is not a lot 'cause,
you know, it makes us sad.
Hey, you guys lasted longer
than most of my friends' parents.
We're still married.
And we appreciate that
you've stayed together for us.
Yeah, I don't wanna have
to learn stepparents' names
and say stuff like,
"Thanks for coming
to my track meet, Chuck,"
and "Are you living here
now, Shirley?"
There's nothing wrong
with our marriage!
Really? You think it's normal
to spend your anniversary
debating which color plunger
to buy?
- I just think black is cliché.
- And I think red is too showy.
You're begging
for a home invasion.
- Oh, my God, Jack. They're right.
- Yeah, we suck.
In high school, we were
the life of every party.
Everyone called us
Madonna and Sean Penn
because of my love
of lace gloves
and your hair-trigger temper.
What happened to us?
It's okay, you know?
You had a good run.
Why don't you sit on
the porch, and read the paper,
- and say, "Guess who died?"
- I'll bring you warm milk.
And I'll stand on the lawn so
you can tell me to get off it.
Do not talk to us
like we are old people,
Buster Brown,
Little Missy, and Suzy Q!
Come on, Mother. We've got
an anniversary to celebrate.
Damn straight.
Let me fetch my shawl.
Ooh, fetch mine too.
Now this is more like it.
No anniversary celebrating.
Store policy.
But we don't know
where else to go.
Popcorn, milady?
Ooh, I feel like the Duchess
of Sussex, Meghan Markle.
All right.
- Ooh, nibble...
- Yes?
- Hair.
- Okay, first roll.
- Let's give it a chance.
- All right.
Hmm.
I'm feeling lucky.
- Not today, Jack.
- Not in a Best Western.
What did the dice say?
Suck...
Hair.
Damn it.
Oh, you made a sandwich
just for yourself?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hungry?
- Apparently not.
Good day, Madam. Is your
husband at home?
Is our marriage a joke to you?
Uh, no, of course, not Jing.
It's a sacred institution,
and do you want the rest
of my Sour Patch Kids?
- Hey, what's up?
- You gotta come with us.
We're going to the mall and
pantsing all the mannequins.
It's the crime of the century.
You in?
I would love to,
but I gotta stay in with Jing.
And next time, please call
before you come over.
Will do.
Your home is lovely.
Come on.
Wanna cut shapes out of paper?
- It'll be so fun.
- No, thanks. You clearly don't wanna be
with me on our wedding day.
You'd rather be pulling pants
down with your friends.
- Who's texting you?
- Nobody.
- Let me see your phone.
- Can't.
Mom said no screen time
after 8:00.
You're still talking to Mia?
- Take her out of your phone right now.
- I'm not doing this.
Oh, sure.
Go hide in the basement because
you know I'm afraid
the furnace is gonna eat me!
Guys suck.
The greatest bonds in life
are between sisters.
Wanna watch "Sister, Sister"?
Ghosted by a five-year-old?
I am tired of this family
ignoring me.
I'll give them something
to remember.
I can't believe those dice
were covered with lead paint.
The kids were right, Jack.
Let's go home and watch
those half-hour commercials
for old records.
Yeah, we had a lot of fun
when we were dating,
but now we've settled down
and all that's left is to wait
for the sweet release of death.
Won't it be nice
to not fight it anymore?
- Lost the spark, huh?
- Excuse me.
This is none of your business,
and also how did you know?
You're walking like
you're holding hands,
but they're
not actually touching.
- Huh.
- Follow me.
I don't know, Jack.
This is how cults get you.
Twice, Annie.
Let it go.
Go on in.
♪ It's tricky
to rock a rhyme ♪
♪ To rock a rhyme
that's on time ♪
What is this place?
A private club based on the
greatest decade of all time,
the 1980s.
It's everything we loved
in high school.
Bumper pool, "Donkey Kong."
"Top Gun" beach volleyball.
And a bartender who looks
like an angry '80s dad.
Close that damn door!
We're not heating
the whole damn town!
So many memories.
Ooh, five girls dancing
in a circle.
And an '80s cover band with Alf
on drums for some reason.
Middle-aged people of Oakdale,
are you ready to rock?
Two, three, four.
Jell-O shots?
Jell-O?
Well, I'll drink some Jell-O
with the shaking,
and the jiggling, and the...
You're right.
Too soon.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, Alf.
It's okay.
It's the '80s.
We still love him.
Two, three, four.
Now to make sure my family
never forgets me again.
Hey, hey.
That's it.
Cuff me, call my parents.
No, I just wanna know
where you got those tennies.
My daughter wants a pair,
and I want her to know
I pay attention.
Lady Foot Locker.
I just shoplifted these earrings.
Aren't you gonna stop me?
The alarm doesn't
detect middle children.
You're free to go.
Hey, you dropped your boat.
Here you go.
Come on.
Abduct me.
No, nope.
Nope, nope!
Help, police.
Ooh, look at the menu.
They have all
of our favorite '80s drinks.
"Between the Sheets,"
"Sex on the Beach,"
"Screaming Orgasm."
- My God, the '80s were horny.
- Hey, you filthy hippie.
I can't wait
until the army gets you
and cuts off that long,
luscious hair. What'll it be?
- I'll have a Woo-Woo.
- Rum and New Coke.
And can we get those
in Gremlins cups?
Bourbon, four fingers.
My size fingers.
Hey, Alf.
Great set, man.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wow, never meet your heroes.
I'm just giving you crap, kid.
- Hey, you wanna sit in?
- Do I?
♪ We are strong ♪
♪ No one can tell us
we're wrong ♪
♪ Both of us knowing
love is a battlefield ♪
Whoo!
Look, honey, I'm shimmying!
♪ Love is a battlefield ♪
Please keep your hands
on each other at all times
- and enjoy the ride.
- Get it?
- Aww, they look happy.
- They do.
Ooh, ah!
Who the hell are you?
Bradley.
His mom is a therapist,
and I think he can help us.
My play room's
next to her office,
and I've picked up
a thing or two.
I'll start.
Duncan is ruining our marriage.
Don't tell me.
Tell him.
You'd rather be
with your friends than me,
you get texts
from trashy women,
and we never binge
"Hector the Detector" anymore.
Oh, my God... we watched
five episodes this morning.
And we're not married.
This really is a kwisis.
Duncan, I'll start with you.
When Jing says things like that,
how does it make you fweel?
I don't know.
Sad, I guess.
Sometimes I just look at my life,
and I realize a very im...
Okay, Jing.
How does that make you fweel?
Like I'm the only one
taking this marriage seriously.
You are the only one
taking it seriously.
It was just a stupid game
I played to keep you happy.
Happy?
I haven't been happy in hours!
This is very common
for the first session,
- but thewapy is a journey...
- Bradley, it's 10:00! Go home.
Be well, Duncan.
Come on, Annie.
Use your flippers.
Yes, I unlocked
Luke and Laura's wedding.
Hey, babe.
If love is a battlefield,
- I'd die on your hills any time.
- Excuse me?
I'm just saying
you got a bitching ass
and I'd like to die on it.
That's a lovely thought,
but you just made
a big mistake, mister!
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
So you're real,
but on the show,
you were operated by puppeteers?
It's all Hollywood magic.
Until the magic is gone.
I'm dying, Jack.
Jack, I gotta
tell you something
and I don't want you
getting upset.
- Honey, Alf just told me he's dy...
- That guy over there just hit on me.
- Which guy?
- That one.
Oh, he's cute.
My wife. Thank you.
The Jack I dated would've
opened a can of whoop-ass
and knocked him
into next Wednesday
because he was cruising
for a bruising!
- You want me to punch him?
- No, don't be ridiculous.
I just want you
to want to punch him.
Like you used to.
Oh, it was so hot.
Excuse me.
Your shoe's untied.
Her eyes are up here.
- You're so bad.
- And I always will be, baby.
It's not the '80s anymore.
I don't have to fight to keep you.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, me and my "sexy hills"
are going home.
She finally figured out
you're a bum.
And I didn't charge you
for the Jell-O shots.
I know my appointment's
not for a month.
I need to see you now.
And so I didn't punch the guy,
and now your mom and I
aren't speaking.
Oh, things are tough
with me and Jing too.
I feel like I can't do
anything right, you know?
If I make her a sandwich,
there's too much jelly,
and then if I take
some of the jelly off,
there's not enough jelly.
Yeah, marriage is
complicated, Dunker.
Yeah, but mine's weird
because my wife is my sister.
Yeah, I got no advice for that.
I didn't want
your dad to punch him.
I just... I got caught up
in the past,
and I wanted to know
he still cares about me enough
- to deck someone.
- And I don't wanna yell at Duncan.
I'm just not good
at putting the jelly on.
I don't know.
Would it have killed me
to just shove the guy?
She would've done the same
for me.
And I guess I shouldn't
expect Jing to be more mature.
She's only, like, four or five.
How old is she again?
Four... no, five.
Definitely five.
Absolutely four... she's five.
Great, now I'm
a terrible husband and father.
You're not a terrible husband.
- Jack, were you screaming?
- I must have been.
It was me.
I'm right here.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I need my negative attention.
So whatever your marriage
problems are, work them out
'cause I am this close
to joining one of dad's cults.
Let it go!
Come on, Annie.
We're going back to that club,
and I'm defending your honor.
Oh, Jack, I don't
want you getting
into a sweaty 1980s rumble just so I can
live out some sort of
"Road House" fantasy.
Duncan, watch your sister.
I'll drive.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You look well.
- Uh. so what have you been up to?
Learning to read
and playing Legos.
Well, you were
always good at that.
Look, I think we're better
as brother and sister.
Maybe we were just
too young for marriage.
Yeah.
You want a PB&J?
- I'll nail the right amount of jelly.
- I'd like that.
Hey, my day was weird too.
Pennywise is real!
Hey, kid.
I feel bad about before.
Come on.
I'll abduct you.
Forget it.
You had your chance.
Hey, pal.
The only guys who talk
about my wife's hills
are me and her primary care physician!
Hey. There you are.
I am so sorry
about what happened earlier.
It was wrong,
and after some thinking,
I realized it came
from my own insecurities.
I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
That's all I needed to...
I'm so sorry!
Are we sure we wanna do this?
- Not really.
- But we have to.
Ow.
I am so sorry that I pushed
you into whatever that was.
Actually, it felt good to
mix it up with the boys again.
Plus I wanted to show you
I still love you.
Oh, I like the way
you show your love for me now.
Changing the air filters,
washing my car for me,
siding with me when
I vent about coworkers,
even when I'm in the wrong.
Well, you do lots
of stuff for me, too.
You open all the jars,
do the talking during
parent-teacher conferences,
and you let me know
if I'm watching a movie
- I've already seen.
- Oh, Jackie. Happy anniversary.
They're gonna be all right.
Is that guy watching us?
Who cares?
Nibble my hair.
Mm.
Hey, Alf.
How you been, man?
Feeling great.
I'm doing this new holistic thing.
I cut out dairy,
patched things up with my son.
Well, that's great.
Where you headed?
Tucson. Music's fun, but
I need a steadier gig.
My brother-in-law got me
a job refilling vending machines.
They let me keep
all the broken cigarettes.
That is awesome.
You've earned it.
- Oh, you still...
- Yup, old habits.
Take care, brother.
♪ Love is a battlefield ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy!
- Raaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
Hurry up, Duncan.
Hang on.
I'm still making my gift.
Let him focus.
The thumb is the hardest part.
Time's up.
We're going in.
Happy anniversary...
What are you doing to Mommy?
Mommy and I
are just pounding it out.
Obviously, he means
the dust from this rug.
It's spring cleaning day.
- It's your anniversary.
- We know.
That's how we remember
it's time to tidy up.
And to do our taxes.
Well, here's your gift.
Oh, Dunkie.
It's your best one yet.
Yeah, I'm already working
on my Thanksgiving one.
Oh, cute.
Okay, tubs re-caulked,
chimney swept,
and fire extinguisher charged.
And I cleaned the dust
off the ceiling fan.
- How did you get up there?
- Does it really matter? Hey.
Ooh, text alert
from House Warehouse.
"Spring cleaning price slash."
They've got air filters
on sale.
- The ones we like!
- There's air filters you like?
Duncan, get in here.
Your father and I are going
to the home improvement store
and we need you to watch Jing.
But I have plans
with my friends
to throw old TVs in the quarry
and watch them explode.
Why do I always have
to watch Jing?
- Kimberly's old enough.
- Well, Kimberly's not here, is she?
I'm right here. Ignoring the
middle child is so cliché.
We don't ignore you.
We just forget you.
- Do you wanna watch Jing?
- I'd be happy to.
So which are the outlets
that are okay for her to lick?
None!
Duncan, you have to stay.
Yay!
- Ha, ha.
- Kimberly will come with us.
Her tiny hands can sort
through cabinet screws.
And she'll get
our undivided attention.
- Where'd she go?
- She must already be in the car.
- So Jing, ready for a nap?
- I just woke up.
Yeah, me too.
But I could sleep.
I'm too excited to sleep.
I have the whole day with the
greatest brother in the world,
and I don't want
to miss one second of it.
- Let's go.
- Ugh, slow down.
My big legs can't keep up
with your little ones.
What are you gonna do first? I'm gonna
go watch the plant-watering
demonstration.
Uh, checking out the bird feeders.
- Hey!
- Ooh, forgot her again.
Sorry, honey.
Somebody just earned a ride
on the pony express.
Ride 'em, cowgirl!
- Get off. You're gonna catch fire.
- Let me burn.
So Hector's looking
for clues to find treasure,
and he needs our help.
I'm looking for clues
to find treasure,
and I need your help.
- We'll help you, Hector.
- He can't hear you, Duncan.
Thanks for your help.
Now let's look
at the clues I've collected.
A bike seat, a bike handlebar,
and a bike wheel.
Can you figure out what it is?
- A bike.
- A jet ski... a bike.
It's a bike!
- Yeah!
- Let's see.
One ear of corn, boop,
one slice of bread, beep.
Oh, the diet starts tomorrow,
am I right?
- Wanna donate to Save the Planet?
- No way.
Annie, this is
the garden hose
we've waited
our whole lives for.
On the commercial, a gorilla
could not bite through it.
- And it tried.
- If you guys don't hurry up,
I'm calling an Amber Alert
on myself.
Calm down, Kimber.
We're almost done.
Jack, a paint drying demo,
and it just started.
That's it. I'm gonna
flirt with the stock boys,
and move in with the one
that's also in a band.
Hmm, yeah. Sounds great honey.
Have fun.
In about 20 minutes,
you'll start to see hints of yellow.
Don't tell me
what's gonna happen.
Name of the game is Memory.
You flip two, you get to keep them.
Here we go, here we go.
- Match.
- You're lucky you're cute.
Okay, weirdly, Jing,
this has been fun.
- But you need to take a nap.
- No!
Can we do one more thing?
Please?
Okay, what do you wanna do?
- Let's get married!
- Not this again, no!
- But why?
- I'm your brother.
I don't care. I love you.
- Marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
- Marry me, marry me.
- No.
Marry me.
Marry me.
- Stop saying "marry me."
- Stop saying, what?
- "Marry me."
- I will!
I thought you'd never ask.
Duncan.
Dude, you missed so much fun.
I thought watching TV was good,
but watching TVs explode
is even better.
Yeah, 4K blow up good,
but OLED, blam!
What's with the tie?
Going to court?
Jing is making me do this
stupid make-believe wedding.
- She finally wore you down, huh?
- Mazel tov.
I love weddings.
My mom's had three of them.
This one's gonna stick.
I promise, baby.
- Four.
- This is adorable.
- Do you have a minister?
- No. Why?
And the denizens
of hell would scream,
but for the brimstone
in their mouths!
And so it is in love.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
What's going on?
Your son's marrying
your daughter.
New air filters? Nice.
- Seriously?
- Whoops, did it again.
As long as I can remember,
which is about 10 months ago,
I've always wanted
to marry you.
She can do so much better.
Duncan, I promise to always
be loving and fun,
just like Mommy and Daddy...
- They wanna be us.
- ...used to be.
And not sad and boring,
like they are now.
- Sad and boring?
- We are not sending them a gift.
Thank you
for marrying me, Duncan.
Oh, well, it was easier
than that memory game.
Is that what you kids think
of our marriage?
That we're boring and no fun?
Yeah, but, like,
only when we think about it,
which is not a lot 'cause,
you know, it makes us sad.
Hey, you guys lasted longer
than most of my friends' parents.
We're still married.
And we appreciate that
you've stayed together for us.
Yeah, I don't wanna have
to learn stepparents' names
and say stuff like,
"Thanks for coming
to my track meet, Chuck,"
and "Are you living here
now, Shirley?"
There's nothing wrong
with our marriage!
Really? You think it's normal
to spend your anniversary
debating which color plunger
to buy?
- I just think black is cliché.
- And I think red is too showy.
You're begging
for a home invasion.
- Oh, my God, Jack. They're right.
- Yeah, we suck.
In high school, we were
the life of every party.
Everyone called us
Madonna and Sean Penn
because of my love
of lace gloves
and your hair-trigger temper.
What happened to us?
It's okay, you know?
You had a good run.
Why don't you sit on
the porch, and read the paper,
- and say, "Guess who died?"
- I'll bring you warm milk.
And I'll stand on the lawn so
you can tell me to get off it.
Do not talk to us
like we are old people,
Buster Brown,
Little Missy, and Suzy Q!
Come on, Mother. We've got
an anniversary to celebrate.
Damn straight.
Let me fetch my shawl.
Ooh, fetch mine too.
Now this is more like it.
No anniversary celebrating.
Store policy.
But we don't know
where else to go.
Popcorn, milady?
Ooh, I feel like the Duchess
of Sussex, Meghan Markle.
All right.
- Ooh, nibble...
- Yes?
- Hair.
- Okay, first roll.
- Let's give it a chance.
- All right.
Hmm.
I'm feeling lucky.
- Not today, Jack.
- Not in a Best Western.
What did the dice say?
Suck...
Hair.
Damn it.
Oh, you made a sandwich
just for yourself?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hungry?
- Apparently not.
Good day, Madam. Is your
husband at home?
Is our marriage a joke to you?
Uh, no, of course, not Jing.
It's a sacred institution,
and do you want the rest
of my Sour Patch Kids?
- Hey, what's up?
- You gotta come with us.
We're going to the mall and
pantsing all the mannequins.
It's the crime of the century.
You in?
I would love to,
but I gotta stay in with Jing.
And next time, please call
before you come over.
Will do.
Your home is lovely.
Come on.
Wanna cut shapes out of paper?
- It'll be so fun.
- No, thanks. You clearly don't wanna be
with me on our wedding day.
You'd rather be pulling pants
down with your friends.
- Who's texting you?
- Nobody.
- Let me see your phone.
- Can't.
Mom said no screen time
after 8:00.
You're still talking to Mia?
- Take her out of your phone right now.
- I'm not doing this.
Oh, sure.
Go hide in the basement because
you know I'm afraid
the furnace is gonna eat me!
Guys suck.
The greatest bonds in life
are between sisters.
Wanna watch "Sister, Sister"?
Ghosted by a five-year-old?
I am tired of this family
ignoring me.
I'll give them something
to remember.
I can't believe those dice
were covered with lead paint.
The kids were right, Jack.
Let's go home and watch
those half-hour commercials
for old records.
Yeah, we had a lot of fun
when we were dating,
but now we've settled down
and all that's left is to wait
for the sweet release of death.
Won't it be nice
to not fight it anymore?
- Lost the spark, huh?
- Excuse me.
This is none of your business,
and also how did you know?
You're walking like
you're holding hands,
but they're
not actually touching.
- Huh.
- Follow me.
I don't know, Jack.
This is how cults get you.
Twice, Annie.
Let it go.
Go on in.
♪ It's tricky
to rock a rhyme ♪
♪ To rock a rhyme
that's on time ♪
What is this place?
A private club based on the
greatest decade of all time,
the 1980s.
It's everything we loved
in high school.
Bumper pool, "Donkey Kong."
"Top Gun" beach volleyball.
And a bartender who looks
like an angry '80s dad.
Close that damn door!
We're not heating
the whole damn town!
So many memories.
Ooh, five girls dancing
in a circle.
And an '80s cover band with Alf
on drums for some reason.
Middle-aged people of Oakdale,
are you ready to rock?
Two, three, four.
Jell-O shots?
Jell-O?
Well, I'll drink some Jell-O
with the shaking,
and the jiggling, and the...
You're right.
Too soon.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, Alf.
It's okay.
It's the '80s.
We still love him.
Two, three, four.
Now to make sure my family
never forgets me again.
Hey, hey.
That's it.
Cuff me, call my parents.
No, I just wanna know
where you got those tennies.
My daughter wants a pair,
and I want her to know
I pay attention.
Lady Foot Locker.
I just shoplifted these earrings.
Aren't you gonna stop me?
The alarm doesn't
detect middle children.
You're free to go.
Hey, you dropped your boat.
Here you go.
Come on.
Abduct me.
No, nope.
Nope, nope!
Help, police.
Ooh, look at the menu.
They have all
of our favorite '80s drinks.
"Between the Sheets,"
"Sex on the Beach,"
"Screaming Orgasm."
- My God, the '80s were horny.
- Hey, you filthy hippie.
I can't wait
until the army gets you
and cuts off that long,
luscious hair. What'll it be?
- I'll have a Woo-Woo.
- Rum and New Coke.
And can we get those
in Gremlins cups?
Bourbon, four fingers.
My size fingers.
Hey, Alf.
Great set, man.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wow, never meet your heroes.
I'm just giving you crap, kid.
- Hey, you wanna sit in?
- Do I?
♪ We are strong ♪
♪ No one can tell us
we're wrong ♪
♪ Both of us knowing
love is a battlefield ♪
Whoo!
Look, honey, I'm shimmying!
♪ Love is a battlefield ♪
Please keep your hands
on each other at all times
- and enjoy the ride.
- Get it?
- Aww, they look happy.
- They do.
Ooh, ah!
Who the hell are you?
Bradley.
His mom is a therapist,
and I think he can help us.
My play room's
next to her office,
and I've picked up
a thing or two.
I'll start.
Duncan is ruining our marriage.
Don't tell me.
Tell him.
You'd rather be
with your friends than me,
you get texts
from trashy women,
and we never binge
"Hector the Detector" anymore.
Oh, my God... we watched
five episodes this morning.
And we're not married.
This really is a kwisis.
Duncan, I'll start with you.
When Jing says things like that,
how does it make you fweel?
I don't know.
Sad, I guess.
Sometimes I just look at my life,
and I realize a very im...
Okay, Jing.
How does that make you fweel?
Like I'm the only one
taking this marriage seriously.
You are the only one
taking it seriously.
It was just a stupid game
I played to keep you happy.
Happy?
I haven't been happy in hours!
This is very common
for the first session,
- but thewapy is a journey...
- Bradley, it's 10:00! Go home.
Be well, Duncan.
Come on, Annie.
Use your flippers.
Yes, I unlocked
Luke and Laura's wedding.
Hey, babe.
If love is a battlefield,
- I'd die on your hills any time.
- Excuse me?
I'm just saying
you got a bitching ass
and I'd like to die on it.
That's a lovely thought,
but you just made
a big mistake, mister!
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
So you're real,
but on the show,
you were operated by puppeteers?
It's all Hollywood magic.
Until the magic is gone.
I'm dying, Jack.
Jack, I gotta
tell you something
and I don't want you
getting upset.
- Honey, Alf just told me he's dy...
- That guy over there just hit on me.
- Which guy?
- That one.
Oh, he's cute.
My wife. Thank you.
The Jack I dated would've
opened a can of whoop-ass
and knocked him
into next Wednesday
because he was cruising
for a bruising!
- You want me to punch him?
- No, don't be ridiculous.
I just want you
to want to punch him.
Like you used to.
Oh, it was so hot.
Excuse me.
Your shoe's untied.
Her eyes are up here.
- You're so bad.
- And I always will be, baby.
It's not the '80s anymore.
I don't have to fight to keep you.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, me and my "sexy hills"
are going home.
She finally figured out
you're a bum.
And I didn't charge you
for the Jell-O shots.
I know my appointment's
not for a month.
I need to see you now.
And so I didn't punch the guy,
and now your mom and I
aren't speaking.
Oh, things are tough
with me and Jing too.
I feel like I can't do
anything right, you know?
If I make her a sandwich,
there's too much jelly,
and then if I take
some of the jelly off,
there's not enough jelly.
Yeah, marriage is
complicated, Dunker.
Yeah, but mine's weird
because my wife is my sister.
Yeah, I got no advice for that.
I didn't want
your dad to punch him.
I just... I got caught up
in the past,
and I wanted to know
he still cares about me enough
- to deck someone.
- And I don't wanna yell at Duncan.
I'm just not good
at putting the jelly on.
I don't know.
Would it have killed me
to just shove the guy?
She would've done the same
for me.
And I guess I shouldn't
expect Jing to be more mature.
She's only, like, four or five.
How old is she again?
Four... no, five.
Definitely five.
Absolutely four... she's five.
Great, now I'm
a terrible husband and father.
You're not a terrible husband.
- Jack, were you screaming?
- I must have been.
It was me.
I'm right here.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I need my negative attention.
So whatever your marriage
problems are, work them out
'cause I am this close
to joining one of dad's cults.
Let it go!
Come on, Annie.
We're going back to that club,
and I'm defending your honor.
Oh, Jack, I don't
want you getting
into a sweaty 1980s rumble just so I can
live out some sort of
"Road House" fantasy.
Duncan, watch your sister.
I'll drive.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You look well.
- Uh. so what have you been up to?
Learning to read
and playing Legos.
Well, you were
always good at that.
Look, I think we're better
as brother and sister.
Maybe we were just
too young for marriage.
Yeah.
You want a PB&J?
- I'll nail the right amount of jelly.
- I'd like that.
Hey, my day was weird too.
Pennywise is real!
Hey, kid.
I feel bad about before.
Come on.
I'll abduct you.
Forget it.
You had your chance.
Hey, pal.
The only guys who talk
about my wife's hills
are me and her primary care physician!
Hey. There you are.
I am so sorry
about what happened earlier.
It was wrong,
and after some thinking,
I realized it came
from my own insecurities.
I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
That's all I needed to...
I'm so sorry!
Are we sure we wanna do this?
- Not really.
- But we have to.
Ow.
I am so sorry that I pushed
you into whatever that was.
Actually, it felt good to
mix it up with the boys again.
Plus I wanted to show you
I still love you.
Oh, I like the way
you show your love for me now.
Changing the air filters,
washing my car for me,
siding with me when
I vent about coworkers,
even when I'm in the wrong.
Well, you do lots
of stuff for me, too.
You open all the jars,
do the talking during
parent-teacher conferences,
and you let me know
if I'm watching a movie
- I've already seen.
- Oh, Jackie. Happy anniversary.
They're gonna be all right.
Is that guy watching us?
Who cares?
Nibble my hair.
Mm.
Hey, Alf.
How you been, man?
Feeling great.
I'm doing this new holistic thing.
I cut out dairy,
patched things up with my son.
Well, that's great.
Where you headed?
Tucson. Music's fun, but
I need a steadier gig.
My brother-in-law got me
a job refilling vending machines.
They let me keep
all the broken cigarettes.
That is awesome.
You've earned it.
- Oh, you still...
- Yup, old habits.
Take care, brother.
♪ Love is a battlefield ♪