Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 8 - Pie Hard - full transcript

- Here we go, the big reveal.
- Here we go.

Your hands are too tight.

- No, they're not.
- They stink!

- Walk left.
- They stink like fish.

It's crappie.

What do you think, Kay?

It's not finished.

We know it's not finished, Mom.

My mom has always wanted to
share her cooking with the world,

so when a space opened
up next to the Duck Diner,

she and Alan decided
to open a bakery.



There's no walls, and there's
electrical wires everywhere.

As the business
expert of the family,

I offered to advise her.
From one CEO to another.

I mean, we got holes in here.

The only problem is, my
mom's not much of a CEO type.

You've got to be able
to see what's not in here.

Okay.

It's easier to imagine if
you're actually looking at it.

You can say, "Oh, I can
put this here and that here."

Shut up, I'm
trying to imagine it.

Lucky for her, her favorite son's
here to help out, which is me.

Her favorite son.

She might not admit it, but I
think that's what she thinks.

In my imagination,
I just saw colors



and pretty stuff
and finished stuff.

- Kay, that's gonna happen.
- You know I'm a finisher.

- I like a finish.
- You're a finisher?

I just don't know
how I'm gonna bake

and fill up this
place with my pies.

You're not going to
be cooking all the pies.

Other people do the work. I
don't make all the duck calls.

I mean, I guess I can
show 'em all my tricks.

Kay, it's not that difficult.

I tried to teach you
how to make a pie,

and you couldn't do it.

Your big old hands
wouldn't even do it.

They tore up the whole crust.

- "Big old hands."
- You remember that?

Well, you did have big hands,

and you couldn't
make the pie dough.

I mean, just admit it.

- No.
- Big hands.

Kay, we've got
everything lined up.

Well, what about
all these holes?

- Kay.
- Mom.

I ain't got time for that.

Hey, y'all will never
believe what I read about.

I read that, hey, this guy
trained a monkey, okay?

Look, and then the monkey
became a award-winning chef.

- What?
- He's booked for the next ten years.

Si, that's not real.

This was on the
cover of Life magazine.

Oh, get out.

They did a whole article about him.
Showed, you know, his award-winning,

you know, cookery
that he'd done.

- "Cookery."
- "Cookery."

- What does he cook?
- Anything to do with bananas.

Speaking of all this,
hey, I'm getting hungry.

Where we going for lunch?

Y'all wanna go to the diner?

- No.
- Mexican?

To the same old places?

Hey, I got a place.

Have you ever had a
fried green tomato BLT?

Think about it.

Look, Godwin isn't exactly
the most discerning individual

when it comes to
the culinary world.

On a scale from one to
ten, where does it rate?

Ten!

A ten?

However, that also means that
he's tried just about everything.

I don't know about
frying a tomato.

You can fry 'em.

That's what I said too.

So when it comes to
finding new food to try,

I trust the man
with my lunch hour.

- We gotta go.
- Where is it?

In Vicksburg.

- Mississippi?
- Yeah.

I mean, that's quite a
lunch break, don't you think?

It'll take us an hour
and a half to get there.

I'm in. Except don't cook 'em.

- Don't cook 'em?
- It's a vegetable, okay?

Don't cook 'em?

- It's a fruit.
- No, it ain't a fruit.

- It's a fruit.
- Tomato is not a fruit.

- It's a fruit.
- I've ate 'em all my life.

Si, just because you've
eaten 'em, that doesn't mean...

That don't make it a vegetable.

Oh, yeah, it does.
Hey, a peach is a fruit.

A apple is a fruit.

A tomato, that's debatable.

Hey, what's inside a
peach and an apple?

- A seed.
- What's inside a tomato?

It's a vegetable.

Oh, he got ya
on that, he got ya.

Admit it.

- How do you mean he got me?
- Admit it.

Just because it's
got a seed in it?

- The definition of a fruit.
- No.

Well, grapes have
got seeds in 'em.

And it's a...

- It's a grape.
- It's a grape.

I'm going with
Martin on this one.

What do you mean
you're going with Martin?

He's smarter than you.

- It's not a fruit!
- Oh, here we go.

Just because it's got a
seed, you call it a fruit?

It's kind of the
definition of it.

That changes everything.

Who put this on my desk?

Oh, boy. You found that?

What's wrong
with the girl's leg?

Question for ya.

- Tomato, fruit or vegetable?
- All right.

It's a vegetable.

- It's a fruit.
- It's a vegetable!

All right, look, I got a specialty
order I need done today.

Look, if a tomato is a fruit,
then a banana is a vegetable.

It is a fruit.

- But work.
- Work what?

You can work and
talk at the same time.

- No.
- Work.

- What'd he say?
- I don't know.

- My belly's growlin', let's go.
- I'm starvin'.

- Let's go.
- Let's get ourselves together.

What are we gonna do
about that order, man?

- Do it on the way.
- It's a vegetable.

So here we go.

The blueprints, what
do you think, Mom?

I don't like it.

It's got "Miss Kay's Bakery".

Bakery's just kinda boring.

I thought she wanted it
called... what did you say?

"Sweets and Eats", like you
can see little can-can girls.

♪ Sweets and
eats, Miss Kay's got it

♪ Sweets and eats ♪

And I'll think of some
more words later.

- That's catchy.
- Let's put that on the back burner.

I love the name
"Sweets and Eats", see?

♪ Sweets and eats

♪ How do you
think Willie got so fat?

♪ Sweets and eats

How about that?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, guys.

Now that the
plans for the bakery

are starting to come together,

we decided to get some help.

What's up, Luigi?

So we brought on my daughter
Alex to be the head chef,

and her husband
Vinnie to run the place.

Now like we talked about, Mom,

Vinnie's gonna be
the general manager,

Alex is gonna be
making your desserts.

Which I'm feeling
really good about.

Just look at the power
'stache that Vinnie is sporting.

That's got upper
management written all over it.

He has a really cool mustache.

I thought I was
gonna make the pies.

Kay, you don't have
time to make all the pies.

Remember that
time I made 15 pies?

We're gonna be
selling hundreds of pies.

Mama Kay, we got this.

Well, I don't have a Harvard
degree from cooking school,

but I have a heart.

Just think about it, Mom.

Your cooking DNA flowed
through me into Alex,

your granddaughter,
think about that.

I love y'all, but you know
that when I'm the boss...

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, well...

It's my way or the highway.

- Deal.
- You're the boss.

But I'm a sweet boss, always
sweet. I'm sweet like my sweets.

That could be in the jingle too.

♪ Sweets and
eats sweets and eats

♪ Willie's so fat

♪ Willie's so fat

Mom, I know you got
some reservations.

So we set up a
little test here today

for them to be able
to cook your recipes.

So you're gonna pick
something, they're gonna cook it.

- This is my treasure.
- I got it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Remember that.

So pick out a recipe.

I can't even see that.

Alex, you can tell
what this is, right?

Well, I tried to
color-code it, kind of.

I'll die with this one.

Let's try something we can read.

What about that? You
just passed that right there.

Oh, you can read
that, can't you?

Good old coconut pie?

- Coconut pie.
- Can you read that?

Do you have
anything like, typed?

Trust me, I've
looked in the box.

Everything here was
the last millennium.

Okay.

"Two cups of sweetness".

Sugar, sugar.

Okay, we can work with it.

I try to be poetic
in my recipes.

I always knew that one
day I'd have to hand over

my recipes to the
next generation.

You have "two chunks of butter."

A chunk is like, chunk, chunk.
You know, something like that.

I guess I just thought
I'd be a lot older

when it happened though.

Uniformity in a recipe
is really what you're

normally looking for.

Why do you keep
using those big words?

"Uniformity"?

I mean, I'm only 67.
65 if anyone asks.

They can do this.

You just gotta sit back,

relax, let them do what
they're trained to do.

- But, Al, it's my recipes.
- I know it's your recipes.

I don't know that, no offense,
'cause I love you so much.

I'm just afraid you can't do it.

We'll show you how we can do it.

Passing the torch.

There's not a real torch here.

Pass the pie, Kay.

Passing the pies,
excellent, Vinnie.

- See, he's a businessman.
- Thank you.

- See how he did that?
- Now, he's good with words.

- And with business.
- And with pies.

And he's got a great mustache.

Al, I don't really know
what the mustache

has to do with it,
but it's really nice.

Bah-bah! Oh, yeah.

Oh, that one's sweet
as your mama's love.

That baby there
is worth 25 bucks.

Where is this place?

You go down here, you know
that pothole that dried up?

You go past it,

and then that forkin' tree
that the lightning struck

about seven years ago,
with the dog pen under it.

- Remember?
- No.

There was a tower
there at one time.

- A tire?
- No, one of them towers.

- A tower?
- You got two towers and a dip.

You don't remember any
kind of street names, or...

- It's by that barn.
- Barn?

Now them's some
directions there.

Well, you don't turn there,
you keep going past it.

- Pull over.
- Uh-oh.

'Cause I gotta take a leak.

Si, this is not a safe area.

What are you gonna
do if you run into a bear?

What do you think
you're supposed to do, Si,

while I'm looking this up?

Pull your gun out and shoot him.

"Do not run. You
can't outrun a bear.

Don't even try it."

I don't have to outrun the bear.

All I gotta do is outrun Godwin.

You think a little old
bear is gonna stop me

from taking a leak?

I don't think so.

"Talk calmly so it
knows you're a human."

- Hello, bear.
- "Climb a tree if available."

You're making that up.

Everybody knows when
you encounter a bear,

all you gotta do
is run up and go...

And, hey, he runs
away, it's simple.

"Use your pepper spray.

Make sure you
spray this downwind."

Or poop in your pants.

Look, there ain't an animal
in the whole animal kingdom

that will eat something
with poop all over it.

Trust me, I know firsthand.

Are you sure this is where
you need to take a leak?

Huh?

I'm just sayin', there's a "bear
crossing" sign right there, Si.

I changed my mind.

I'll wait till I get
to civilization.

Get me to the
bridge, and I'll pee off

the Mississippi River bridge.

Hey, I'd like to do that.

All right, Kay, moment of truth.

- You ready?
- Smell that?

- Wafting, wafting, wafting.
- It smells good.

Mine are usually bigger.

Let's at least try some.

Look how she got the
little toasted in there.

It definitely has the
colors that are correct.

And I want that little
piece of crust there.

I mean, I'm not being particular

but I have to get a
bite of everything.

All right. The moment of truth.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

You have to close your
eyes before you do it?

Well, I'm imagining.

- That's a good coconut pie.
- Oh, my goodness.

Mom.

I mean, that's like right there.

The type of person you are
really shows up in your cooking.

Like, if Alan made a pie,

it would taste like
pushy opinions.

It's fluffy. It's got
the nice peaks.

Not as smooth.

- See, mine looks like silk.
- That is perfectly smooth.

When you eat my pies,
it makes you feel warm,

happy, and comforted.

That's more like
satin, you think,

- instead of silk?
- Styrofoam.

- Styrofoam?
- Styrofoam?

Alex, on the other
hand, too perfect.

It's like a machine made it.

- My flavor's like...
- And what is this flavor like?

It's like younger.

But machines don't make love.

Except for WALL-E.

I love that movie.

You can't get that
full buttery taste

without a big chunk of butter.

We used a whole chunk of butter.

Okay, so maybe an
extra dollop next time.

This is the type of pie
that's really scalable.

We could make a hundred of these

in at least an hour.

Are you crazy?

That's what we're
gonna be doing.

We're gonna be mass-producing
these and making a lot of money.

You can't mass-produce love.

But you can mass-produce pies.

Tomatoes. Jars. Stuff.

Well, this is good.

These are excellent tomatoes.

And how about this ambiance?

Do you know what "ambiance" is?

No.

Good idea, Godwin.

Even though you lost me

when you didn't eat
anything with tomatoes in it.

'Cause I got a good chili dog.

Need some more hot dogs.

Hey, fellas, how y'all
doing this evening?

Doing good, brother.

We got a contest going here.

- Contest?
- With ten hot dogs, two minutes...

you get a shirt.

Two minutes is not long.

You sure you can do this?

Chili dogs, baby.

Godwin is a real wild card.

Somehow he got us
to the tomato place

without any directions.

Throw that hat in, I'll try it.

I can do that.

And after raving over
their fried tomatoes,

he's opting for chili dogs.

A shirt and a hat,
how 'bout that?

- Bring on the dogs.
- I'm a go get you some dogs.

You would think that engaging
in a hot dog eating contest

right after you've already eaten
a couple chili dogs for lunch

would be a bad idea.

But this is Godwin we're
talking about, after all.

Godwin, there ain't no way.

- Here they come.
- Ain't no way.

Ten hot dogs.

Two minutes.

I'm ready.

- Go.
- Go.

A record, glory, T-shirt, hat.

You got a minute
and a quarter left.

He's halfway home, boys.

- Let's go, Godwin.
- Come on, buddy!

He's slowing down, guys.

Forty-five seconds.

- He's not gonna make it.
- Uh-oh.

He's beginning to
sweat, more than normal.

He's fixing to blow, boys!

This makes me want to vomit.

Three, two, one.

Swallow it, Godwin, do it.

Oh, he did it!

Unbelievable.

I need a bucket.

How you feeling now?

Starting to swell a little
bit. Hey, where's my shirt?

Oh, I found your shirt.

- Yeah.
- I thought this was a rag.

- Crap!
- Hey, you want this shirt?

- No.
- It's your shirt, here!

You might want to wash
that when you get home.

I've lost every stinkin'
shirt I've got from that place.

It could've been worse.

Could've had some boogers in it.

But it does have boogers.

- I'm hungry.
- Eat a tomato.

You gonna eat that
thing like a apple?

Right off the vine.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Your phone's ringing.

Yeah, we're almost there.

I'm fixing to pull
in the parking lot.

We've got tons of orders.

Oh, he's outside, bro.

This is kinda weird
that I'm talking to you

while I'm looking at you.

What's up?

- I missed.
- He hung up on me.

He was dodging a tomato.

What seems to be the problem?

- Where've y'all been?
- On lunch break.

You get a one-hour lunch break.

We've been in Vicksburg.

- Vicksburg?
- Mississippi.

About five minutes
ago, I realized that it had

been a while since
I had seen or heard

any of the guys
around the warehouse.

Even Si wasn't in the
bathroom like he normally is.

So you drove an
hour and a half there,

and an hour and a half back.

It was more like two hours.

Was I surprised they
went to Vicksburg for lunch?

Not really.

Am I mad they did? Yes.

Y'all can be there on Saturday
when you're not at work.

- We saved up our minutes.
- It's called rollover minutes.

But not as mad
as I was to find out

they didn't bring
me anything back.

Word to the wise.

Bring leftovers back
for your boss if you take

a long lunch break.

That's just Business 101.

Did y'all forget about
the order that I told you?

No, we got the order done.

Well, while you were gone
we got about eight more orders.

We'll do 'em tomorrow.

If you're gonna take
five-hour lunch breaks,

then you gotta
stay five hours extra.

But that time was owed us.

Yeah, it's called
rollover minutes.

Godwin, what are you
doing with a stupid hat on?

I won it eating chili dogs.

I don't know if that's
the look you need.

Have a tomato, they're fresh.

No, y'all gonna get
these orders done tonight.

You're gonna pay us overtime.

- I ain't payin' you crap.
- You're buying us supper.

If I'm working overtime,
you're buying supper.

Y'all can eat them
tomatoes for supper.

You're a terrible boss.

- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh, roll it up.

Roll it up!

Crap, that got me.

Good grief, the boy
like to busted a window.

Hey.

You locked out again, dummy?

♪ Sweets and eats,
sweets and eats ♪

I think my song's
gonna be a hit.

Yeah, I can see it on iTunes.

- What is that?
- Mom.

Here we go, y'all ready
for some fried pies?

A-ha!

Since Alex's coconut pie
was not enough to convince her

of her cooking skills, we're
hoping to change Mom's mind

by upping the ante with her
most difficult recipe, the fried pie.

Smells pretty good.

Oh, yeah.

If Mom doesn't like this,

I'm just giving up and
starting my own bakery.

"AI's" really more of
a deli name though.

You buy a pie from Miss Kay,

you don't buy a
pie from Miss Al.

Give 'em a try.

Corned beef from Al...

Cherry pie from Al?

You first.

The moment of truth.

Mmm.

Mom, that's fantastic.

Mmm. You nailed it.

- Thank you.
- Not bad.

Come on.

I didn't even get any
fruit on the first bite.

- Eat it in the middle.
- My mouth's not as big as yours.

It's not that Alex's pie is bad.

I just feel like it's
missing something.

I don't know, Alan.

I usually bake the most
love into my fried pie.

Mom, they're delicious.

But, Alan, you'll eat anything.

That's not true.

It's just like I'm still
not tasting the love.

Oh, man, am I glad you're here.

Perfect timing, Dad.

I thought I smelled fried pies

all the way from the
bayou down there.

Yeah, we want you to
try one of these, Dad.

Don't mind if I do.

We want your honest opinion.

- My honest opinion?
- Yep.

Let me see what y'all got here.

Flaky, flaky.

So what'd you do
differently here?

You don't really
like it, do you?

Like it? I love it, honey.

- The crust is flakier.
- Really?

- Yep.
- Miss Kay, I notice something.

Your cooking gets
better with age.

- Tell Dad who made the pies.
- Alex made the pies.

Right here.

- Well, honey.
- Bring it in.

Think people
would buy that, Dad?

They will come from
miles around to get to that.

So, Mom, Dad obviously
loves it. Are we gonna do this?

I'll admit it when I'm wrong.
You can preserve my recipes.

We'll do our best.

Mom, show Dad your jingle.

♪ Sweets and
eats, sweets and eats

♪ Dun-dun-duh-duh-duh,
Sweets and eats

♪ Miss Kay's ♪

What do you think?

I like that tune.

It makes you want
to move, doesn't it?

- Bingo.
- And Bobo likes it too.

He also licks his own butt.

All right, y'all bow.

Father, we thank you for
another day here on planet earth.

I pray, Father, you
bless Vinnie and Alex,

along with Miss Kay,
their restaurant business.

Thank you, Father,
for the wonderful gift.

Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.

Amen!

We've all had to take risks
at some point in our lives.

Sometimes they pan out,

like Miss Kay sharing her
treasured family recipes.

And other times, they
were really dumb ideas

to begin with,
and inevitably fail.

Like four of my
bone-headed employees

taking a five-hour lunch
break in Mississippi.

But even with the
potential for failure,

you can't let that stop
you from taking a chance.

♪ Sweets and
eats, sweets and eats

♪ Willie's so cool
Willie's so cool ♪