Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 4 - Father Knows Pest - full transcript

- Good job, Will.
- Thank you.

Yep, you looked good out there.

- Coach, good game, man.
- Thank you.

- Good game, coach.
- Thank you. Be good.

Hey, can I drive?

Have you lost your
mind? It's raining, son.

Well, I have my permit.

He does need to
practice, even in the rain.

All right, we'll split
the difference here.

I'll let you back the truck
out and then I'll drive home.

- You good with that? All right, cool.
- Mm-hm.



Back it out. Foot on the break.

I didn't serve overseas,
okay, to die in a parking lot.

Take your time.

All right, hands at ten...

- Don't let Dad and Si make you nervous.
- Okay.

Take your time, but like a little
faster than what you're doing.

It's a tradition in our family that
Willie teaches the kids how to drive.

I potty trained them. I also
helped then with their homework,

read books to them...

All right, Will, you got this.

All clear behind you.

- Stop.
- Oh, is that all you're doing?

- Put it in park.
- Okay, well, you did good.

You didn't kill anybody,
or injure anybody.



Good job!

I never remembered
you reading me a book.

Me? You don't remember
me reading you a book?

How soon they forget.

I might not cook for you,
but I read you a lot of books.

I actually cooked for you
when you were a baby.

- Good job, Will.
- Thanks.

- He's been doing really good.
- All right, easy big man.

- He might be our best driver.
- Cut it down to directions.

- Si, I think I know what I'm doing.
- You're fixin' to run over something.

I ain't running over nothing.

I told you was gonna
run over something.

- I just bumped it.
- Coach, you all right?

They should've let you drive.
They should've let you drive.

See? See? You knocked
over the whole thing.

You gotta watch him
knock the whole...?

Si was back there
talking, distracting me.

Willie, you cannot
blame this on Si.

- I can blame anything on Si.
- You hit the cart.

Ya'll should break that tradition,
of him teaching them how to drive.

I'll teach him.

When's the last time
you into something?

On the way here.

- "On the way here," she says.
- I knocked off our rear-view mirror.

- She knocked off part of the mirror.
- Are you serious?

- Yes. She hit the garage.
- It's true.

So, this is a family thing.

- John Luke ran into your car, right?
- Right.

- Whenever he first got his license.
- That's why I've got tape set back there.

Hey, and guess who taught him.

- Dang it. That's a scratch.
- Having a hard time with this family.

That'll buff right out,
don't worry about it.

It's weird that we're going to
have four kids that are driving.

West Monroe will
never be the same.

- That's a lot of insurance.
- Oh, yeah.

- You got the money to
pay for it, don't worry about it.

Pipe down, Si.

All right, sorry
about that, coach.

- Si, see what you did?
- What? Me?

Well, I'm saying you're sitting
there in my ear the whole time.

Do not blame your
bad driving on me.

Dad, I don't think
you should teach me.

- How are you this evening.
- Mr. Kirby.

- Is Jase here?
- Sure. Come on in.

- Hey, Jase.
- Look, it wasn't me.

- Randy Kirby. Good seeing you again.
- Hey.

One of our neighbors noticed
a beaver in our neighborhood

and they're concerned
that it might be rabid.

Can beavers have rabies?

Probably not. He's probably
just sayin', "This is my territory."

Was this something you
think you could help us with?

Oh, I can take care
of that problem, quick.

But I figured that
wasn't part of the rules.

Okay, so, HOA does not want
us to burn leaves in the driveway...

Stupid.

- Jason! We'll get in trouble, again.
- Huh?

- Have chickens.
- Dumb.

Get 'em! Get 'em!

- Chickens make me happy.
- You cannot have chickens.

Dump grease in our flower beds.

- Ignorant.
- Smells like bacon.

- Can't dump grease in your front yard?
- No, sir.

But now the tables have turned.

I usually charge 50 bucks.

'Cause they're scared
of a little beaver. Beaver!

Maybe as a favor
to the neighborhood,

you could provide a little
bit of pest control for us.

What if I dump my oil
and grease in my yard,

I take care of your pest
problem and we call it even.

If you'll take care of
the beaver problem,

then you can dump your grease
in the backyard any time you want.

- Oh my goodness.
- Now we're talking.

Now, there's one condition.
We really need to be discreet.

Hey, I'm all about discretion.

- You'll never know we're there.
- No, no, no, really...

You want in on the beaver hunt? I
like when you come hunting with me.

I'm not a big fan
of duck hunting.

But that's why you may be a beaver
hunter, cause you get to go at night.

- And I get to stay up late.
- No, no, no.

Nobody's hunting a
beaver under age 12.

You said under age 12. I am 12.

- I did, didn't I?
- Thank you, thank you.

Boom.

When I was a kid, this is
how I bonded with my dad.

We went hunting. That was the
first positive thing that I saw him do.

It's called family bonding.

I might need to come
out there and watch.

Mom, no.

Listen, this is awesome.
It's going to work out perfect.

I really appreciate it.

- Bye, Mia, Missy.
- Thank you.

Good deal. Come by any time.

They eventually need
something from you.

And then, the neighborhood
warms up to you.

They got a rabid beaver.

You should've asked
for the chickens.

My goodness.

I should've asked
for the chickens.

- Why didn't we?
- I don't know.

Hey, Dad, since it stopped
raining, can I drive home?

Uh, maybe rain coming, son.

Dad!

All right. Gotta
practice some time.

- Gotta practice.
- Sweet.

Look, he's not
qualified to teach you.

- You hit the basketballs, babe.
- That's right.

I kissed them,
like a gentle kiss.

No, you didn't... No.

It's because you were talking...

No, no, don't blame it on me.
I ain't the one on the wheel.

Besides, okay,
think of it this way:

- what if that had been bombs?
- What?!

- Yeah, there could've been bombs, Dad.
- It could've been bombs.

- Okay... Boom!
We'd all be dead.

You are not fit to teach this young
man how to drive because you're not fit.

Unlike me, I am fit.

What does being fit
have to do with driving?

There ain't but one guy around
here that's qualified to teach you

how to drive a vehicle,
that'd be yours truly.

- Oh no.
- Okay.

The only thing he can
teach you, driving wise,

is to drive-through
at a restaurant.

Not true.

May I take your order?
Yup, four massive burgers.

I've drove everything from a
jeep to an M-1 Abrams tank.

- M-1 Abram tank, we get it, Si.
- Then I'm qualified.

Actually, Dad, can we stop by
somewhere to get something to eat?

I'll tell you guys what. I'll
get my driver's manual...

A manual?

And I'm gonna see who's
best according to the manual.

That's a good plan.

Look, this is not
about a book, all right.

This is about learning how
to drive a vehicle safely.

Si, there are rules of
driving that you have to know.

You don't have to tell me. It's a
jungle out there on the highway.

The boy's gotta know
jungle rules, okay?

You're not going to
teach him to drive.

I think this is a good idea.
It'll be good practice for Will.

All right, fine, you got a deal.

All right, go ahead,
drive home there, buddy.

We'll pick you up tomorrow, if
we remember to think about it.

You better study, Si.

By the way, what time ya'll
picking me up tomorrow?

- I'll text you.
- Hey, you know I don't text.

All right, we gotta go
through the night like ghosts.

Like shadow hunters?

Yeah, that's it. Me and you
are gonna be shadow hunters.

This is kind of like war paint. Brings
out your sense to put food on the table.

- What are ya'll doing?
- We're getting fired up.

Aw. Mia, you look mean.

This is mainly for if
we run up on people

who are yuppies and their wondering
what we're doing out here in the pond.

Just yell, "Jep," Mia, if somebody
walks out. Just say, "Get down, Jep!"

When in doubt,
blame a bearded man.

I mean, I'm always worried
and a little nervous about safety.

But then, I know how good
your dad is about all that.

- Yeah.
- So, I love it.

I think the experience
outweighs anything else.

- Okay, well, she's got school, so...
- Mom.

I don't expect to kill him the first
night, but if you happen to see him...

- Okay, babe.
- Pow!

Jase!

It's all over.

Plus, when you start dating,
if you can use a crossbow,

- that's gonna be helpful.
- Okay, we're changing the subject.

If he ever has any kind
of unwanted advance,

you say, "You know I know
how to use a crossbow."

- Dad.
- He gone.

See, you can use that line.

Look, I gotta get a picture though,
cause this is your first beaver hunt.

- Really?
- Take a picture of her with the beaver.

- Bye.
- Don't wait up for us.

Good luck. Have fun
and catch that beaver.

Babe, you don't catch beavers.

- You kill 'em.
- You kill 'em.

- Okay, kill that beaver. Have fun.
- All right.

What was that? Something moved.

We're in the woods, things
move. Look at that, that's a track.

- Looks like blood, old blood, kind of.
- They make these little scent mounds.

They poop and pee all over them,

and they tell everybody
this is our territory.

- That's what we're looking for.
- Eww.

Everything leaves trails. So
what is the first thing you look for?

- Poop.
- Poop.

Shine it right there. See where
he's been gnawing on the tree?

Do they not have taste buds?
There's like baby trees or something.

- Yup. That's right.
- They eat 'em and it turns yellowish.

It's kind of disgusting.

Just keep on, we're getting
close. This is what we're looking for.

I think there's more
poop right there.

I hate that it smells
like pee and poop.

There'll come a time in your
life where you'll cherish that smell.

I'm good. Nope, nope.

Hey, shhh.

Shhh.

- Shh. Mia!
- Sorry.

Well, he's gone now.

When they're alarmed, they
slap their tail on the water.

Why can't we just wait it out?

Because the neighbors probably
just said "Did you hear that scream?"

Every story you've ever seen that's
bad, starts off with, "I heard a scream."

- But it's scary!
- Well, don't fret.

'Cause we're gonna come
back, he's going down.

Well, your mom will be
happy, it's not too late.

You gotta train
yourself. No screaming.

Copy that. No screaming.

Whoa.

Hey. Idiot.

Hiyah!

All right, ya'll ready?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put your seatbelt on first.

- Safety always first.
- That's one point off.

Will, no, I... Technically
put it in drive yet.

Wait, hold on, one more
thing. Gotta check your mirrors.

You gotta check and
see if there's any children.

Whoa. Minus two points.

Hey, too heavy on the gas pedal.

You are not fit to teach
this young man how to drive

because you've had
too many accidents.

You've run over, backed into me
in the parking lot in my own truck.

All right. Whoa!

Si, I haven't had a
wreck in like 20 years.

- Oh, docking you three points.
- For what?

Going too far past the stop sign.
Another minus one, no blinker.

Will, you don't have to
put a blinker on to turn?

Oh yeah, you gotta
put your blinker on.

He was teaching Sadie how to
drive and she run over everything...

Hey!

- In the Duck Commander parking lot.
- Not true.

Hey, look out.

Will, I'm hands down,
the best driving teacher.

Oh, I'm docking you two
points for driving with one hand.

What are you talking about?

It says it right
here, in section B...

Section B!

- On page 23.
- 23, boy.

If he teaches you how to drive,

West Monroe is fixin' to
turn into a demolition derby.

That'd be actually pretty fun.

Well, hey, he's your man then.

All right, Uncle
Si, it's your turn.

All right. First thing's
first. Safety first.

Safety first.

Now, okay, check the
mirrors, okay, yup, mm-hmm.

Turn the blinker on.

Hey! This thing's
got a little power, boy.

All right, that's
minus ten points.

- There you go.
- What?!

- For going way over the speed limit.
- No, hold it, hold it, no.

Si is an insane driver.

No, no.

My driving record is
relatively unscathed.

Mine is zero-scathed.

- I've only had one bad one.
- Okay. I ain't have none.

Dock him for crossing
the white line on the right.

What do you mean
cross the white line?

All right, that's minus
five points for you.

What do you mean,
minus five points?!

I've been driving since I've
been about four months old.

- Huh?
- What?

Yeah, my dad use to sit me
in his lap, in the old model T.

Look, we're fixin' to pull,
what is known as a U-turn.

Starting right now, then
here's the "U" part of it.

That's a circle.

So we're making what
is known as, a circle turn.

Minus 20 points. Woo!

This is the guy you want
teaching you how to drive?

I don't even know anymore.

So what do you got, you
see your "tabelizing" there.

- Both of y'all flunked the test.
- What?!

We've had our drivers license
for way longer than you have.

What are we going to do now?

- Actually. I have an idea.
- What's that?

We could go to Excalibur
and go ride the go-karts.

- Now we're talking.
- Oh please, no.

Look at those ripples.

The good thing about
beavers along with most critters,

is they have terrible memories.

You give them a night off,

next night they're back to doing
the same thing they been doing.

Yeah, the Shadow Hunters
never miss their target.

At least not the second time.

- You got it.
- Yeah, he's thrashing.

I believe I got him.

That was a good spot.

I learned that beavers sink.

So you have to
like, if you shoot it,

you have to go in
the water to get it.

You either have
to get 'em quick,

or you have to shoot
'em in shallow water,

'cause they sink like a rock.

But I don't get it, they poop show
much, why aren't they skinny?

It's a valid point.

- Oh, yeah.
- Ew.

Hey, you know that sound you
heard? That's what did it right there.

Dad, be quiet. There
could be a U.Y.O.

- You wanna carry him?
- I'm good.

Okay.

Congratulations on
your first beaver hunt.

The first of many.

There, knock on the door.

There you go, that's good.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, good news. Looky here.

Oh, is that thing bleeding
on my front porch?

Oh, yeah.

- We got 'em.
- You could've just sent me a picture.

Well, I needed the proof of
death. We had a deal. Here he lays.

There's blood, all
over the front porch.

- Here's my part of the deal.
- That's awesome.

And we did it in the shadows.

- We did.
- We were discreet.

So here's my plan. They're now gonna
say nothing about dumping bacon grease,

but if I get rid of this carcass, then
I might get a little something extra.

All right, enjoy the beaver.

Whoa! What am I
suppose to do with this?

There's always a problem. And
guess who they're gonna call?

- You.
- Jase-buster.

Maybe we should change our name
from Shadow Hunters to Shadow Busters.

Nah.

Well, disposal is extra.

Our deal was for me to shoot
the beaver. I shot the beaver.

Well, I mean I like,
we're the hunters.

We just hunted something.
We didn't buster something.

Let me see... ♪ Who you
gonna call? Shadow Hunters ♪

Yeah, that works.

No. We don't need a theme song.

I'm kind of think now if you want
me to take care of this beaver,

then maybe, every year
when I burn my leaves,

Y'all look the other way.

What about this? Do
it in your back yard.

Whatever happens in the
back yard, stays in the back yard.

- Deal!
- Good.

What about the chickens?

- Mr. Robertson, thank you.
- Appreciate it.

All right, come on Mia.

Ya'll have a good evening. We'll
take care of that later. Thank you.

All right, guys, this is
the ultimate driving test.

This is a go-kart race.

We're going ten laps
around this whole track...

I thought we's going a
hundred, Grand Prix style.

Si, we're not going hundred
laps, we're going five.

Five laps.

I can do five in
my sleep, buddy.

Five laps, but it's
a race to the death.

Or at least, you have to
break something or be bleeding.

He's gonna be bleeding, trust
me. I'm gonna put him the wall.

- Si...
- Somebody's gotta lose a finger.

Uh-oh. Hat's
backwards, look out.

I got wall on my mind,
and I want Willie...

- What is your problem?
- To smack it.

Me and Si failed
Will's driving test,

so now, we're gonna race go-karts
to prove who's the better driver.

Are we gonna do this or what?

I got my money on
the old crazy one.

If that wasn't crazy enough,
the guys have placed obstacles

from the warehouse on the
track to make it more realistic.

- This is gonna prove nothing.
- I feel the need...

for speed, boys.

Look, the only reason I agreed
to this stupid go-kart idea,

was I wanted to show Little
Will that it takes real skill to drive.

Will, I can't believe
you talked me into this.

I can't believe he
even got in the kart!

I just I hope I'm not gonna be teaching
Little Will how to drive from a gurney.

Ready. Set. Go!

Uh-oh. Willie's is dead.

He got loose!

Look at him. Taunting.
Oh, he's taunting him now.

Getting beat by a
90 year old man.

Hey, Willie don't understand
what he just got himself into.

This is combat
driving, to the death.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

- Oh, he put a move on him.
- No!

He put a move on
him. We got a race.

Whoa!

Something tells
me Si must have like

- a lifetime pass out here.
- Yeah!

Shine and chrome.
Valhalla awaits.

Last lap!

Oh, look, look, look.

Uh-oh. Willie making
a run on the outside.

- Come on! Come on!
- Put him in the statue.

Pay me my money.

Hey, he cheated.

It's all over.

And the grand prix winner...

- Si.
- Yours truly.

- Boom, baby.
- That was a dirty move.

What do you mean a dirty
move? That's the only move.

I have learned a lot from
what you have taught me,

but I have come
up with my teacher.

- Who?
- John Luke.

That's the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.

That's the plan now.

That's the worst idea ever. John
Luke's had five wrecks in like a year.

He rolled his dad's pick-up.

He's totaled one of my trucks.

Well, those who can't do, teach.

Oh boy.

- Fine by me.
- I'll give you three more laps.

Double or nothing, come on.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Double or nothing?
- Double or nothing, new bet boys!

Go, Si! Hurry up

Hey! What you
doing, knuckle head!?

Eat my dust, old man!

All right, ya'll bow. Thank
you, Father, for another day.

Thank you for the good
food you blessed us with.

I pray, Father, we do what
is right in all circumstances.

And we love our brothers.
In the name of Jesus, amen.

- Amen!
- Lets eat, boys.

Let's get on it.

When you're raising kids, or trying
to co-exist with your neighbors,

sometimes you have to
make some compromises,

which may mean starting new traditions,
like a father daughter beaver hunt.

Or ending old ones, like a father
teaching their kids how to drive.

Even though you might fell a
little bit like you're being replaced,

the most important thing is you're
spending quality time with your family.

And that's something
that can never be replaced.

I can't believe Will
picked John Luke.

Hey, it could've been worse.

- He could've picked Korie.
- True.