Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 2 - Statue of Imitations - full transcript
Willie must deal with the fallout from an unflattering likeness of himself that has been created by a famous chainsaw sculpture artist.
- Look at that.
- Amazing.
- This is unbelievable.
- Wow.
- How long has he been doing this?
- 15 years.
- Wow.
- What all animals does he do?
- Well, his specialties are deer buck.
- Aw!
Bears, bears are
our bread and butter.
- Wow.
- Eagles, turkeys.
- That's awesome.
- That's awesome.
- Very cool.
- Mermaids.
Ah.
And he can do any animal.
- What about ducks?
- Oh yeah.
- What about beavers?
- Yeah.
- Dragons?
- Yup.
How about a lama?
A lama.
Oh sure.
I tell you what, I
got a great idea.
- What?
- Is a hog.
What?
Can you imagine just
a giant statue of a hog?
- I like it.
- Korie's dad invited us to watch
a chainsaw artist
named Dayton Scoggins
carve some
sculptures in his yard.
Now normally I wouldn't
be too excited about
attending an art party,
but when it involves
chainsaws and fierce animals...
I'm all in.
Why would we want
a hog in our yard?
- Korie, I'm boss hog.
- Willie, eagles are majestic.
Hogs like, roll in the mud.
Not that I have
anything against eagles,
but for me, nothing beats a hog.
- Do you like bacon?
- Yes.
- Do like breakfast sausage?
- Yes.
- Pork tenderloin? Pork chops?
- Yes.
All that stuff comes from what
you're saying is not majestic.
- Well...
- I'ma tell you something,
I've never eaten an
eagle, but a hog is majestic.
- Willie...
- I'm just saying,
if we had to choose
another animal
other than an eagle
to represent our country
the hog woulda
been a perfect choice.
And maybe we'll carve a
bandana right on top of that hog.
Let's think about it.
Just think about it, can
you imagine how cool
a hog would look on
the back of a quarter?
Who do I need to talk
to to make that happen?
Who does currency? Jim?
Come on over, the
sculpture's finished.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Wow!
- Look at that.
- Unbelievable.
Look at the detail in the wings.
As you can see, Dayton
is the Michelangelo
of chainsaw art. He is the man.
How exactly do you do that?
I mean, you didn't
measure anything out.
You just started
whacking and hacking
- like Leather Face.
- Yeah, that's about it.
You know, just get a
chainsaw, see what happens.
- Wow.
- I think Willie,
you ought to have
one in your yard.
Here's what I was thinking.
Have you ever done a hog?
Oh man, I can do you a hog.
- All right!
- This is really beautiful,
and we admire your work, but I
just don't know that we need a hog.
I said "do you like bacon?" You
said yes. I said, "do you like other
forms of pork,"
she agreed, so...
Can you do something
besides a boar?
Sure. That work
with you, Willie?
- Come on, compromise.
- Okay. Surprise us,
but I would be so
surprised if I saw a hog.
All right guys, we
got a little package
from the wood carver.
Just about finished
unpacking it.
- Okay, the big reveal. I'm scared.
- Oooh.
So kids, sometimes
in life you have
a chance to do
something great...
I'm not sure this is
one of those times.
So, you've gotta dream
big, stay in school,
and if somebody offers
you something, you take it.
You should consult
your wife first, but...
I have a feeling that you're
gonna love this, so here we go!
- Better than I expected.
- It looks good.
It doesn't look
anything like me.
- It kind of does.
- I never tuck my shirt in.
You probably shouldn't
start tucking your shirt in.
Most surprises are good.
Surprise parties,
surprise engagements...
- Did you tell him to do this?
- No! I didn't do that.
- You're the one who wanted the statue.
- I wanted a statue of a hog.
Well, I think you got one.
The surprise statues
that make you look like
you're three hundred
pounds, that's not good.
Are you holding a hot dog?
I think it's suppose
to be a duck call.
It's actually a really
amazing piece of work,
if I wanted to see
what I look like
as a hot air balloon.
I tell what I'm gonna
do, I'm gonna chop it up
for fire wood and we're just
gonna burn it the fireplace.
We could heat the house
up for a week on the belly.
That's true.
I wonder if there's
a return policy on
custom made wood sculptures.
I'm not that fat! Are
you kidding me?!
It's not as bad as you think,
it really isn't. It looks good.
If you're gonna do a wooden
statue it should be flattering.
I think it's just the
way he's standing.
- He's kinda leaning back a little bit.
- Yeah, he is leaning back.
I wanted a statue of a
hog or any other animal.
It's the posture.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's the deal with that mail box?
- I'm trying to make it stand up,
- but it's a little bit wobbly.
- A little bit?
Well, you need to get Phil to
get you another one, put it in.
- What are y'all doin' here?
- I called you. Remember?
I called you about
my old aquarium.
Oh yeah, you did, didn't you.
- Yeah, where is it?
- I think it's in the shed, silly.
- The crappy shed?
- The collector's out-of-order shed.
When I called and
asked you about it
I meant for somebody to
go get it and get it out for me.
Well, I ain't going
out there by myself.
In our family, there are no words
as frightening as, "It's in the shed."
- Do you have another aquarium?
- No, I have bowls.
Special bowls for my turtles,
but that's in my turtle collection.
I'm not... I'm getting more turtles,
so I'm not giving you any of that.
Mom, doesn't throw anything out.
Old clothes, rocking
horse, clutter...
Put it in the shed. Throw
it in the shed. In the shed.
Jep, let's just go buy
a new one. Come on.
- Are you sure it's in the shed?
- Yeah.
Finally, for once, somebody is
taking something out of the shed.
Why do you keep all
this crap in here, mom?
Because just like now,
you need something
out of it, right?
I mean, who keeps paper
plates in their storage container?
Well, now you
just ruined them all.
There's like nice polo shirts.
Kay, I think your
hoarding has gotten worse.
I'm older.
Ma, you got your Mardi Gras beads
in here, how'd you get all these, huh?
I was looking for those.
How did you get these,
mom? I wanna know!
- Jep!
- You can actually buy 'em at a store.
There's so much stuff in here
that you just need to throw away.
- Well, maybe the phone books.
- Oh boy, Jess, there's a coon.
There's a coon in here.
- Close the door.
- Well, you didn't hurt it, did you?
- I didn't hurt it. I got out of there.
- He's probably starving.
Look, I'm gonna go get one
of dad's guns and shoot it.
No! You'd mess up the
whole storage house, silly.
Well, I need a
weapon of some sort.
You can use dad's baseball bat.
Where is it?
In the shed.
How did you cook
them fish last night?
So what I did, I put a
little wine, mustard...
- Now you talkin'.
- But look, I forgot to blacken
one side of 'em,
so I cut up a bunch
of lemons and I
put lemons all over.
Yeah and forgot one other thing,
- you didn't call me.
- Jase!
What are y'all doing?
Load this thing up.
- What are you waitin' on?
- You said meet at the log cabin.
I said move the big
thing with the tarp on it.
There's a tarp
over there and here.
- Okay, move this thing.
- Hey, we don't load nothing
- until we see what it is.
- It doesn't concern you what it is.
- I own it.
- What do you mean? Yeah, it does!
- Now I wanna see what's in there.
- It's old.
Then we gotta take it off, there
may be spiders up under there.
- Don't take it off.
- Uncork that sucker.
- I just wrapped it up!
- Oh my...
- What is it?
- I see why he has covered up.
I can't see it.
Let me just tell you
this, Willie loves Willie.
Oh, man, that is awesome.
That is incredible.
The idea the Willie has
commissioned a statue
to made in his likeness,
it's uncomfortable.
A bit nauseating. Get realistic.
It takes a lot of
self-confidence for
a man to get a statue
made of himself.
I didn't have it made of myself.
Hey, you know who else
gets statues made of himself?
- Who?
- Saddam Hussein.
I didn't make the statue.
I didn't ask for this.
Yeah, it's really too bad
that he doesn't like the statue.
It is a perfect
likeness of himself.
He looks like he's in trouble.
I think it's cause he
swallowed a water melon.
That ain't no watermelon,
that's a brisket.
Okay, y'all done here?
'Cause you spot this
gut from the moon.
It looks like one of those
buttons could just pop off.
It actually looks like he's
clearing himself for a belch.
All right, I've
got it. I've seen it.
It's hard to capture pressure
being built up, but he did it.
- Are y'all though yet?
- Wait a minute, look.
There she blows!
In a way, Willie's mid-section
is a cousin to the
Milky Way Galaxy.
There's been a lot of chocolate,
a lot of nuts, and
a lot of caramel
orbiting this space.
Listen, put this
thing face down,
I don't want anybody
seeing the face of it, all right.
- We got it.
- Get it out of here.
I got sap all over my hands.
Y'all load it. I ain't throwing
my back out for that fat rascal.
Y'all thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
They're waving.
- That's awesome.
- I love it.
This is like the greatest
idea we've ever had.
I just think you could've found
something bigger than that.
Well, everything else
is in the stupid shed.
I like that rolling pin, you're
not going to ruin it, are you?
Mom, it's already bent,
look. This is all bent.
- No, that's actually valuable.
- All right, I'm fixin' to go in.
- Y'all ready?
- Yeah.
One. Two. Three, go.
- Hey!
- Lock him in.
Don't lock me in
here with this thing.
- I see you back there, big boy.
- Be careful!
Oh, I got him.
- He's dead.
- Oh man.
- Oh, make sure.
- Yeah, he's dead.
- Here you go. You want it?
- Ah!
Oh my goodness!
- Golly.
- Oh that's precious.
It looks like he
could be praying.
- Who puts this...
- Ah! Don't do that to me!
That raccoon need to
go to Weight Watchers.
Oh god.
Here we go. I got the aquarium.
All right, let me move this.
- Careful.
- You don't even use this.
It's stuck...
- Gotta get rid of...
- Yeah. Get...
Oh!
Dad-gummit! Well, it's broke.
- Jep.
- I don't think this is reparable.
- Oh my gosh!
- This shed is not safe.
- Well it's not now.
- It's a death trap in there.
- Kay, you know what you should do?
- What?
- Sell it on line.
- Online?
Yeah, I used to sell a ton of kid's
clothes after they grew out of them.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Somebody, I'm sure would
even buy this stuffed raccoon,
- 'cause there's weirdoes.
- Let's get a camera
and start taking pictures
so we can post all this stuff.
- All right. You can do that.
- All right, you guard it, mom.
Make sure no one
steals that junk.
Okay.
All right ladies and
gentleman, step right up.
For one dollar, you can get a
picture with Willie Robertson.
AKA the Whiskey Barrel.
Turn around there and take a
picture. Rub his belly for good luck.
That's what I'm talking about. That
belly's made that man a lot of money.
- Right. Next up. There you go. Good photo.
- What in the world?
- Next.
- What you got going on out here?
Look, this is the redneck version of
that Madam Two-Toes Wax Museum.
Oh yeah. I'm making
mucho dinero here, boys.
- What?
- All right. Next...
Hey, everybody thinks Willie's
the only business nerd in this family,
but don't count me out.
- Here, I'll take it for you.
- No, hey, get back. Get back.
All right, ready
on three. Three.
Nailed it.
This statue is my
ticket to early retirement.
No photobombing!
You owe me a dollar.
Give me a dollar.
- I owe you a dollar?!
- Give me that dollar.
You took a picture, clown.
No freebies around here.
Now all I gotta do is, okay,
is keep everybody's sticky
fingers off my cash cow.
Pun intended.
- Give me my money!
- Hey!
Give me my money.
Hey, give me that money.
- I got it.
- Give it, give me my money!
Give me that dollar.
The only thing that's concerning me
right now, is that I hope them skinny
little legs, okay, don't collapse
under the weight of that belly.
I think he's going
into labor, boys!
Si, what are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
- I told you all to put this
- in the back of the warehouse.
- Hey, I'm making money right now.
- I told y'all this needs to be...
- Hold it.
- In the warehouse.
- Look, you can't photobomb it.
This needs to be
in the warehouse.
- But you can't photobomb it.
- The number one question is
how did you swallow
a whole watermelon?
Guys, Willie doesn't
really look like that, y'all.
No, he don't look like that.
Hey, look, he's way shorter.
I'm standing on a log.
I'm the same size.
- You're shorter.
- Look, the statue
is a really impressive
piece of work.
It's just not very
flattering in certain areas.
Oh yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
You gotta rub it's belly.
That's why I asked the guys
to move it to the warehouse
where it'd be
totally out of sight.
But of course
it's on full display
in front of Duck Commander
where a ton of people will see it.
- Hey bud, how you doing?
- You ready?
You owe two dollars.
- Si...
- You owe me two dollars!
- You took a photo.
- Just get this thing out of here.
You'll have to pay
me lost revenue.
And of course, leave it to
Si to make money off of it.
Just lay it on the
ground and roll it.
- No, don't lay it on the ground.
- Just drag it,
- I don't care what you do with it.
- Go ahead, y'all. Don't drag it.
This is the same guy
who once charged me
a finder's fee to return
my lost car keys...
- I want this back in the warehouse.
- Willie, they've already paid.
Which he stole
in the first place.
Si, move this back
in the warehouse.
We can't. It's a tourist
attraction now, like Sasquatch.
- All right. Come on, back to work.
- Y'all go back to work.
- Gimme my cut.
- No.
But I took all them
pictures for you.
Hey, step right up.
Get your picture here
for one dollar with ol' Willie
Robertson, ol' whiskey barrel himself.
So cute.
- Hey, Kay!
- Hey!
- How's it going?
- Great.
How many items have you sold?
I've made forty seven dollars
and sold nineteen things.
- Big money.
- Woo!
- Raking it in.
- I know, it's fun.
- It's therapeutic.
- I don't remember seeing this stuff
- in there.
- What is all this?
Y'all are not going to
believe what I discovered.
- What?
- You can buy things on Ebay too.
You don't just sell.
But that doesn't mean
you need to buy something.
Yeah! I need all
this beautiful stuff.
You give a man a
fish, he eats for a day.
You teach my mom
how to use Ebay,
she's gonna buy a lot of fish and
all kind of fish related products.
Mom, this is worse than the
junk you already had in there.
It's in a package,
it's beautiful.
Nobody needs a box of glue guns.
But on the bright side, if my
kids need to glue something,
they can.
And if their kids need to
glue something, they can.
So I ordered a dozen of these.
Why did you order a dozen?
- Because it was cheap.
- Kay.
And their kid's kids,
grandkids... You get the point.
Glue guns for everybody.
Where you gonna put this crap?
Well, now that
the shed's empty...
Kay, we didn't clear
it out for you to just
- to buy more stuff and store it.
- It's all new, it's not old.
And I'm gonna have it
in beautiful clear boxes.
And Jep's going
to help me label it.
No. I did not want you
to go buy more junk.
Oh Jep! Y'all distracting
me and I lost my bid
on this beautiful platter. And
I loved it, it came from France
- for only 9.95 - Kay,
you didn't need it.
- That means it's over.
- That's a sign. That means stop buying.
I mean, it was beautiful. It
was the Louis the something.
I think you got a problem.
I think it's worse
than we thought.
Get off...
Esh. Yeah, like you don't
have any problems.
What in the world?
What did they do now?
Huh? These suckers.
There are some sick
people in this world.
Somebody done gone
psycho with a chainsaw.
Maybe there was an alien
in the wood and it burst out.
Oh, I know who did it.
Who's the only person
that didn't like it?
- Willie?
- Yeah.
- He cut his luck off.
- He just couldn't help the truth.
The boy has definitely got
some self-image problems.
- Oh yeah.
- The man did get a statue
- built of himself.
- The boy was sick.
- There he is.
- Speaking of the devil.
- There's the chainsaw bandit.
- Yeah, nice work.
I didn't do it. I assumed you
all were trying something stupid.
- Oh, here we go.
- It was you!
- Si, I didn't do this.
- What do you mean, you didn't do it?
You been caught, wood-handed.
Get it? Wood-handed.
Confess, son.
You'll feel better.
Look, there's one thing I've learned
by watching all these crime dramas.
The criminal always returns
to the scene of the crime.
Why would I come up
here, vandalize a statue,
then come in here,
the ask y'all who did it?
- Blame shifter.
- We're a lot of things... but vandals?
- That's not in our repertoire.
- What are you talking about?
- Our who?
- Repertoire.
Based on the evidence,
it's very simple.
Willie wrecked the statue because
he didn't want to have to look
- at himself any more.
- Who did this?
The man holding the evidence.
I was making money with
that thing, so why would I do it?
Hey, now he knows how we
feel, looking at him everyday.
You was the only
one that didn't like it.
- Yeah, I loved it.
- Yeah.
I'm going to go look
at my video camera
- and I'm gonna find out who did it.
- Yeah.
What?! You got cameras in here?
Yes. I have cameras
everywhere, Si. I see everything.
- That's a waste of money.
- So, I'm going to find out who did this.
Hey, don't lose that
blubber. I may could sell that.
That's good luck.
All right, I'm going to
my office to check it out.
I wanna see too.
- We're gonna make sure it wasn't you.
- If it's one of y'all,
I'm gonna dock your pay.
- Well, there it is. Here we go.
- Uh-oh. Look at that.
- Whose car is that?
- Who is it?
It's a girl.
Uh-oh - Is that Korie?
That's Korie! Oh, that's Korie.
What is she doing?
She got a chainsaw!
She's trying to
give you a six pack.
Dude, you don't
wanna tick her off.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Korie.
- Korie, hey.
- What are y'all doing?
This is security footage.
I forgot about the
security cameras. Shoot.
Why would you do that for? I
was making money with that.
I actually feel bad
that I've messed up
Dayton's statue,
but I was doing it
for the good of my husband.
Si. You all were making
fun of him. Admit it.
We were being mean, and
- you took a chainsaw to your husband?
- You were being mean.
Dayton made it look so easy.
I thought I could just
carve a little of the sides,
a little off the front.
I actually tried to
give you a six pack.
I couldn't hold
the saw sideways.
And my arms were
tired. That thing's heavy.
Babe, I was trying to help you.
I thought I could just
trim the sides a little bit,
and just make
you a little slimmer.
Since you've cut up the pine,
now you got to do the crime.
- Oh my goodness.
- She did the crime.
She's gotta do the time.
Well, I'm glad you finally recognized
that the statue needed some...
trimming.
- It did need a little trimming.
- Korie, I appreciate that.
I think it was a great gesture.
Aw.
- Back to work.
- Hey, get a room.
And a salad.
Just because that
one didn't turn out,
- I got you something else.
- What is that?
He's making you another statue.
- You didn't say surprise me, did you?
- No.
I'm so excited. What'd
you get me, Jep?
- It's for your own good, mama.
- You got me the family together,
with even Willie.
That's a shocker.
Is it a birthday or
something? I don't think so.
Everybody's here for you, mom.
We decided you
needed an intervention.
Jep, I don't do drugs.
I mean, I just take some
ibuprofen 'cause I have arthritis.
It's not that kind
of intervention.
- Is it about my weight?
- No.
There's gotta be full figured
people like me and Willie.
- Yeah.
- We add more to the world.
- Your fat.
- Yeah. Something like that.
I'm not fat!
Mom, it's not about your weight.
It's about your hoarding issues.
Well, I have hoarding tendencies,
but that's not the same thing.
I think what they're
saying is that
the hoarding tendencies
have reached critical mass.
But how often did they see it?
We're seeing it now.
I really hope mom listens
to us at this intervention.
I mean, it's for her own good.
Honestly, this
shed has got to go.
We're not saying you
have to get rid of everything.
Let's just take a step in
the non-hoarding direction.
I mean, the shed is old.
It's not old, it's rotten.
Mom, this is dangerous. It's
falling apart. There's termites in it.
The best way to deal
with something like this,
is just yank off the band-aid.
First step to the
road of recovery is
admitting you have
a disgusting shed.
Get rid of thirty
boxes of old band-aids
she's got stacked
up in the shed.
Putting junk in a rotten shed,
you don't see a
problem with that?
Maybe I do have a
little bit of problem.
- Is that a yes?
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Woo!
- I'll do it.
Drastic times, call
for drastic measures.
All right, y'all may
wanna back up.
- Where you going?
- You'll see.
When those drastic
measures are really cool,
all the better.
Not sure she knows
what she's doing.
- There she goes.
- Oh boy.
- We're all here for you, mom.
- Say bye-bye.
They don't even build
things like they used to.
Hey, now you gotta knock
the other side down, dummy.
- Oh mom.
- Woo!
- I think that's it.
- Amen. Let's eat.
All right y'all.
Ready, let's bow.
Father, we do thank you
for another good day here.
You have been
extremely kind to us.
Thank you for this good food.
I pray we love
you more each day,
and love each other.
- In the name of Jesus, amen.
- Amen!
We all got our flaws, whether
we admit to them or not.
For instance, some
of us are hoarders,
and some of us are a
little too self-conscious
about our weight.
While we don't always
acknowledge our own weaknesses,
leave it to your family
to help you face the truth.
Sure, it may be embarrassing
or uncomfortable,
but they're doing
it out of love.
And that's what family's for.
I wanna make an announcement.
I just ordered a brand new shed.
- Mom!
- Kay!
And the hoarding continues.
- Amazing.
- This is unbelievable.
- Wow.
- How long has he been doing this?
- 15 years.
- Wow.
- What all animals does he do?
- Well, his specialties are deer buck.
- Aw!
Bears, bears are
our bread and butter.
- Wow.
- Eagles, turkeys.
- That's awesome.
- That's awesome.
- Very cool.
- Mermaids.
Ah.
And he can do any animal.
- What about ducks?
- Oh yeah.
- What about beavers?
- Yeah.
- Dragons?
- Yup.
How about a lama?
A lama.
Oh sure.
I tell you what, I
got a great idea.
- What?
- Is a hog.
What?
Can you imagine just
a giant statue of a hog?
- I like it.
- Korie's dad invited us to watch
a chainsaw artist
named Dayton Scoggins
carve some
sculptures in his yard.
Now normally I wouldn't
be too excited about
attending an art party,
but when it involves
chainsaws and fierce animals...
I'm all in.
Why would we want
a hog in our yard?
- Korie, I'm boss hog.
- Willie, eagles are majestic.
Hogs like, roll in the mud.
Not that I have
anything against eagles,
but for me, nothing beats a hog.
- Do you like bacon?
- Yes.
- Do like breakfast sausage?
- Yes.
- Pork tenderloin? Pork chops?
- Yes.
All that stuff comes from what
you're saying is not majestic.
- Well...
- I'ma tell you something,
I've never eaten an
eagle, but a hog is majestic.
- Willie...
- I'm just saying,
if we had to choose
another animal
other than an eagle
to represent our country
the hog woulda
been a perfect choice.
And maybe we'll carve a
bandana right on top of that hog.
Let's think about it.
Just think about it, can
you imagine how cool
a hog would look on
the back of a quarter?
Who do I need to talk
to to make that happen?
Who does currency? Jim?
Come on over, the
sculpture's finished.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Wow!
- Look at that.
- Unbelievable.
Look at the detail in the wings.
As you can see, Dayton
is the Michelangelo
of chainsaw art. He is the man.
How exactly do you do that?
I mean, you didn't
measure anything out.
You just started
whacking and hacking
- like Leather Face.
- Yeah, that's about it.
You know, just get a
chainsaw, see what happens.
- Wow.
- I think Willie,
you ought to have
one in your yard.
Here's what I was thinking.
Have you ever done a hog?
Oh man, I can do you a hog.
- All right!
- This is really beautiful,
and we admire your work, but I
just don't know that we need a hog.
I said "do you like bacon?" You
said yes. I said, "do you like other
forms of pork,"
she agreed, so...
Can you do something
besides a boar?
Sure. That work
with you, Willie?
- Come on, compromise.
- Okay. Surprise us,
but I would be so
surprised if I saw a hog.
All right guys, we
got a little package
from the wood carver.
Just about finished
unpacking it.
- Okay, the big reveal. I'm scared.
- Oooh.
So kids, sometimes
in life you have
a chance to do
something great...
I'm not sure this is
one of those times.
So, you've gotta dream
big, stay in school,
and if somebody offers
you something, you take it.
You should consult
your wife first, but...
I have a feeling that you're
gonna love this, so here we go!
- Better than I expected.
- It looks good.
It doesn't look
anything like me.
- It kind of does.
- I never tuck my shirt in.
You probably shouldn't
start tucking your shirt in.
Most surprises are good.
Surprise parties,
surprise engagements...
- Did you tell him to do this?
- No! I didn't do that.
- You're the one who wanted the statue.
- I wanted a statue of a hog.
Well, I think you got one.
The surprise statues
that make you look like
you're three hundred
pounds, that's not good.
Are you holding a hot dog?
I think it's suppose
to be a duck call.
It's actually a really
amazing piece of work,
if I wanted to see
what I look like
as a hot air balloon.
I tell what I'm gonna
do, I'm gonna chop it up
for fire wood and we're just
gonna burn it the fireplace.
We could heat the house
up for a week on the belly.
That's true.
I wonder if there's
a return policy on
custom made wood sculptures.
I'm not that fat! Are
you kidding me?!
It's not as bad as you think,
it really isn't. It looks good.
If you're gonna do a wooden
statue it should be flattering.
I think it's just the
way he's standing.
- He's kinda leaning back a little bit.
- Yeah, he is leaning back.
I wanted a statue of a
hog or any other animal.
It's the posture.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's the deal with that mail box?
- I'm trying to make it stand up,
- but it's a little bit wobbly.
- A little bit?
Well, you need to get Phil to
get you another one, put it in.
- What are y'all doin' here?
- I called you. Remember?
I called you about
my old aquarium.
Oh yeah, you did, didn't you.
- Yeah, where is it?
- I think it's in the shed, silly.
- The crappy shed?
- The collector's out-of-order shed.
When I called and
asked you about it
I meant for somebody to
go get it and get it out for me.
Well, I ain't going
out there by myself.
In our family, there are no words
as frightening as, "It's in the shed."
- Do you have another aquarium?
- No, I have bowls.
Special bowls for my turtles,
but that's in my turtle collection.
I'm not... I'm getting more turtles,
so I'm not giving you any of that.
Mom, doesn't throw anything out.
Old clothes, rocking
horse, clutter...
Put it in the shed. Throw
it in the shed. In the shed.
Jep, let's just go buy
a new one. Come on.
- Are you sure it's in the shed?
- Yeah.
Finally, for once, somebody is
taking something out of the shed.
Why do you keep all
this crap in here, mom?
Because just like now,
you need something
out of it, right?
I mean, who keeps paper
plates in their storage container?
Well, now you
just ruined them all.
There's like nice polo shirts.
Kay, I think your
hoarding has gotten worse.
I'm older.
Ma, you got your Mardi Gras beads
in here, how'd you get all these, huh?
I was looking for those.
How did you get these,
mom? I wanna know!
- Jep!
- You can actually buy 'em at a store.
There's so much stuff in here
that you just need to throw away.
- Well, maybe the phone books.
- Oh boy, Jess, there's a coon.
There's a coon in here.
- Close the door.
- Well, you didn't hurt it, did you?
- I didn't hurt it. I got out of there.
- He's probably starving.
Look, I'm gonna go get one
of dad's guns and shoot it.
No! You'd mess up the
whole storage house, silly.
Well, I need a
weapon of some sort.
You can use dad's baseball bat.
Where is it?
In the shed.
How did you cook
them fish last night?
So what I did, I put a
little wine, mustard...
- Now you talkin'.
- But look, I forgot to blacken
one side of 'em,
so I cut up a bunch
of lemons and I
put lemons all over.
Yeah and forgot one other thing,
- you didn't call me.
- Jase!
What are y'all doing?
Load this thing up.
- What are you waitin' on?
- You said meet at the log cabin.
I said move the big
thing with the tarp on it.
There's a tarp
over there and here.
- Okay, move this thing.
- Hey, we don't load nothing
- until we see what it is.
- It doesn't concern you what it is.
- I own it.
- What do you mean? Yeah, it does!
- Now I wanna see what's in there.
- It's old.
Then we gotta take it off, there
may be spiders up under there.
- Don't take it off.
- Uncork that sucker.
- I just wrapped it up!
- Oh my...
- What is it?
- I see why he has covered up.
I can't see it.
Let me just tell you
this, Willie loves Willie.
Oh, man, that is awesome.
That is incredible.
The idea the Willie has
commissioned a statue
to made in his likeness,
it's uncomfortable.
A bit nauseating. Get realistic.
It takes a lot of
self-confidence for
a man to get a statue
made of himself.
I didn't have it made of myself.
Hey, you know who else
gets statues made of himself?
- Who?
- Saddam Hussein.
I didn't make the statue.
I didn't ask for this.
Yeah, it's really too bad
that he doesn't like the statue.
It is a perfect
likeness of himself.
He looks like he's in trouble.
I think it's cause he
swallowed a water melon.
That ain't no watermelon,
that's a brisket.
Okay, y'all done here?
'Cause you spot this
gut from the moon.
It looks like one of those
buttons could just pop off.
It actually looks like he's
clearing himself for a belch.
All right, I've
got it. I've seen it.
It's hard to capture pressure
being built up, but he did it.
- Are y'all though yet?
- Wait a minute, look.
There she blows!
In a way, Willie's mid-section
is a cousin to the
Milky Way Galaxy.
There's been a lot of chocolate,
a lot of nuts, and
a lot of caramel
orbiting this space.
Listen, put this
thing face down,
I don't want anybody
seeing the face of it, all right.
- We got it.
- Get it out of here.
I got sap all over my hands.
Y'all load it. I ain't throwing
my back out for that fat rascal.
Y'all thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
They're waving.
- That's awesome.
- I love it.
This is like the greatest
idea we've ever had.
I just think you could've found
something bigger than that.
Well, everything else
is in the stupid shed.
I like that rolling pin, you're
not going to ruin it, are you?
Mom, it's already bent,
look. This is all bent.
- No, that's actually valuable.
- All right, I'm fixin' to go in.
- Y'all ready?
- Yeah.
One. Two. Three, go.
- Hey!
- Lock him in.
Don't lock me in
here with this thing.
- I see you back there, big boy.
- Be careful!
Oh, I got him.
- He's dead.
- Oh man.
- Oh, make sure.
- Yeah, he's dead.
- Here you go. You want it?
- Ah!
Oh my goodness!
- Golly.
- Oh that's precious.
It looks like he
could be praying.
- Who puts this...
- Ah! Don't do that to me!
That raccoon need to
go to Weight Watchers.
Oh god.
Here we go. I got the aquarium.
All right, let me move this.
- Careful.
- You don't even use this.
It's stuck...
- Gotta get rid of...
- Yeah. Get...
Oh!
Dad-gummit! Well, it's broke.
- Jep.
- I don't think this is reparable.
- Oh my gosh!
- This shed is not safe.
- Well it's not now.
- It's a death trap in there.
- Kay, you know what you should do?
- What?
- Sell it on line.
- Online?
Yeah, I used to sell a ton of kid's
clothes after they grew out of them.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Somebody, I'm sure would
even buy this stuffed raccoon,
- 'cause there's weirdoes.
- Let's get a camera
and start taking pictures
so we can post all this stuff.
- All right. You can do that.
- All right, you guard it, mom.
Make sure no one
steals that junk.
Okay.
All right ladies and
gentleman, step right up.
For one dollar, you can get a
picture with Willie Robertson.
AKA the Whiskey Barrel.
Turn around there and take a
picture. Rub his belly for good luck.
That's what I'm talking about. That
belly's made that man a lot of money.
- Right. Next up. There you go. Good photo.
- What in the world?
- Next.
- What you got going on out here?
Look, this is the redneck version of
that Madam Two-Toes Wax Museum.
Oh yeah. I'm making
mucho dinero here, boys.
- What?
- All right. Next...
Hey, everybody thinks Willie's
the only business nerd in this family,
but don't count me out.
- Here, I'll take it for you.
- No, hey, get back. Get back.
All right, ready
on three. Three.
Nailed it.
This statue is my
ticket to early retirement.
No photobombing!
You owe me a dollar.
Give me a dollar.
- I owe you a dollar?!
- Give me that dollar.
You took a picture, clown.
No freebies around here.
Now all I gotta do is, okay,
is keep everybody's sticky
fingers off my cash cow.
Pun intended.
- Give me my money!
- Hey!
Give me my money.
Hey, give me that money.
- I got it.
- Give it, give me my money!
Give me that dollar.
The only thing that's concerning me
right now, is that I hope them skinny
little legs, okay, don't collapse
under the weight of that belly.
I think he's going
into labor, boys!
Si, what are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
- I told you all to put this
- in the back of the warehouse.
- Hey, I'm making money right now.
- I told y'all this needs to be...
- Hold it.
- In the warehouse.
- Look, you can't photobomb it.
This needs to be
in the warehouse.
- But you can't photobomb it.
- The number one question is
how did you swallow
a whole watermelon?
Guys, Willie doesn't
really look like that, y'all.
No, he don't look like that.
Hey, look, he's way shorter.
I'm standing on a log.
I'm the same size.
- You're shorter.
- Look, the statue
is a really impressive
piece of work.
It's just not very
flattering in certain areas.
Oh yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
You gotta rub it's belly.
That's why I asked the guys
to move it to the warehouse
where it'd be
totally out of sight.
But of course
it's on full display
in front of Duck Commander
where a ton of people will see it.
- Hey bud, how you doing?
- You ready?
You owe two dollars.
- Si...
- You owe me two dollars!
- You took a photo.
- Just get this thing out of here.
You'll have to pay
me lost revenue.
And of course, leave it to
Si to make money off of it.
Just lay it on the
ground and roll it.
- No, don't lay it on the ground.
- Just drag it,
- I don't care what you do with it.
- Go ahead, y'all. Don't drag it.
This is the same guy
who once charged me
a finder's fee to return
my lost car keys...
- I want this back in the warehouse.
- Willie, they've already paid.
Which he stole
in the first place.
Si, move this back
in the warehouse.
We can't. It's a tourist
attraction now, like Sasquatch.
- All right. Come on, back to work.
- Y'all go back to work.
- Gimme my cut.
- No.
But I took all them
pictures for you.
Hey, step right up.
Get your picture here
for one dollar with ol' Willie
Robertson, ol' whiskey barrel himself.
So cute.
- Hey, Kay!
- Hey!
- How's it going?
- Great.
How many items have you sold?
I've made forty seven dollars
and sold nineteen things.
- Big money.
- Woo!
- Raking it in.
- I know, it's fun.
- It's therapeutic.
- I don't remember seeing this stuff
- in there.
- What is all this?
Y'all are not going to
believe what I discovered.
- What?
- You can buy things on Ebay too.
You don't just sell.
But that doesn't mean
you need to buy something.
Yeah! I need all
this beautiful stuff.
You give a man a
fish, he eats for a day.
You teach my mom
how to use Ebay,
she's gonna buy a lot of fish and
all kind of fish related products.
Mom, this is worse than the
junk you already had in there.
It's in a package,
it's beautiful.
Nobody needs a box of glue guns.
But on the bright side, if my
kids need to glue something,
they can.
And if their kids need to
glue something, they can.
So I ordered a dozen of these.
Why did you order a dozen?
- Because it was cheap.
- Kay.
And their kid's kids,
grandkids... You get the point.
Glue guns for everybody.
Where you gonna put this crap?
Well, now that
the shed's empty...
Kay, we didn't clear
it out for you to just
- to buy more stuff and store it.
- It's all new, it's not old.
And I'm gonna have it
in beautiful clear boxes.
And Jep's going
to help me label it.
No. I did not want you
to go buy more junk.
Oh Jep! Y'all distracting
me and I lost my bid
on this beautiful platter. And
I loved it, it came from France
- for only 9.95 - Kay,
you didn't need it.
- That means it's over.
- That's a sign. That means stop buying.
I mean, it was beautiful. It
was the Louis the something.
I think you got a problem.
I think it's worse
than we thought.
Get off...
Esh. Yeah, like you don't
have any problems.
What in the world?
What did they do now?
Huh? These suckers.
There are some sick
people in this world.
Somebody done gone
psycho with a chainsaw.
Maybe there was an alien
in the wood and it burst out.
Oh, I know who did it.
Who's the only person
that didn't like it?
- Willie?
- Yeah.
- He cut his luck off.
- He just couldn't help the truth.
The boy has definitely got
some self-image problems.
- Oh yeah.
- The man did get a statue
- built of himself.
- The boy was sick.
- There he is.
- Speaking of the devil.
- There's the chainsaw bandit.
- Yeah, nice work.
I didn't do it. I assumed you
all were trying something stupid.
- Oh, here we go.
- It was you!
- Si, I didn't do this.
- What do you mean, you didn't do it?
You been caught, wood-handed.
Get it? Wood-handed.
Confess, son.
You'll feel better.
Look, there's one thing I've learned
by watching all these crime dramas.
The criminal always returns
to the scene of the crime.
Why would I come up
here, vandalize a statue,
then come in here,
the ask y'all who did it?
- Blame shifter.
- We're a lot of things... but vandals?
- That's not in our repertoire.
- What are you talking about?
- Our who?
- Repertoire.
Based on the evidence,
it's very simple.
Willie wrecked the statue because
he didn't want to have to look
- at himself any more.
- Who did this?
The man holding the evidence.
I was making money with
that thing, so why would I do it?
Hey, now he knows how we
feel, looking at him everyday.
You was the only
one that didn't like it.
- Yeah, I loved it.
- Yeah.
I'm going to go look
at my video camera
- and I'm gonna find out who did it.
- Yeah.
What?! You got cameras in here?
Yes. I have cameras
everywhere, Si. I see everything.
- That's a waste of money.
- So, I'm going to find out who did this.
Hey, don't lose that
blubber. I may could sell that.
That's good luck.
All right, I'm going to
my office to check it out.
I wanna see too.
- We're gonna make sure it wasn't you.
- If it's one of y'all,
I'm gonna dock your pay.
- Well, there it is. Here we go.
- Uh-oh. Look at that.
- Whose car is that?
- Who is it?
It's a girl.
Uh-oh - Is that Korie?
That's Korie! Oh, that's Korie.
What is she doing?
She got a chainsaw!
She's trying to
give you a six pack.
Dude, you don't
wanna tick her off.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Korie.
- Korie, hey.
- What are y'all doing?
This is security footage.
I forgot about the
security cameras. Shoot.
Why would you do that for? I
was making money with that.
I actually feel bad
that I've messed up
Dayton's statue,
but I was doing it
for the good of my husband.
Si. You all were making
fun of him. Admit it.
We were being mean, and
- you took a chainsaw to your husband?
- You were being mean.
Dayton made it look so easy.
I thought I could just
carve a little of the sides,
a little off the front.
I actually tried to
give you a six pack.
I couldn't hold
the saw sideways.
And my arms were
tired. That thing's heavy.
Babe, I was trying to help you.
I thought I could just
trim the sides a little bit,
and just make
you a little slimmer.
Since you've cut up the pine,
now you got to do the crime.
- Oh my goodness.
- She did the crime.
She's gotta do the time.
Well, I'm glad you finally recognized
that the statue needed some...
trimming.
- It did need a little trimming.
- Korie, I appreciate that.
I think it was a great gesture.
Aw.
- Back to work.
- Hey, get a room.
And a salad.
Just because that
one didn't turn out,
- I got you something else.
- What is that?
He's making you another statue.
- You didn't say surprise me, did you?
- No.
I'm so excited. What'd
you get me, Jep?
- It's for your own good, mama.
- You got me the family together,
with even Willie.
That's a shocker.
Is it a birthday or
something? I don't think so.
Everybody's here for you, mom.
We decided you
needed an intervention.
Jep, I don't do drugs.
I mean, I just take some
ibuprofen 'cause I have arthritis.
It's not that kind
of intervention.
- Is it about my weight?
- No.
There's gotta be full figured
people like me and Willie.
- Yeah.
- We add more to the world.
- Your fat.
- Yeah. Something like that.
I'm not fat!
Mom, it's not about your weight.
It's about your hoarding issues.
Well, I have hoarding tendencies,
but that's not the same thing.
I think what they're
saying is that
the hoarding tendencies
have reached critical mass.
But how often did they see it?
We're seeing it now.
I really hope mom listens
to us at this intervention.
I mean, it's for her own good.
Honestly, this
shed has got to go.
We're not saying you
have to get rid of everything.
Let's just take a step in
the non-hoarding direction.
I mean, the shed is old.
It's not old, it's rotten.
Mom, this is dangerous. It's
falling apart. There's termites in it.
The best way to deal
with something like this,
is just yank off the band-aid.
First step to the
road of recovery is
admitting you have
a disgusting shed.
Get rid of thirty
boxes of old band-aids
she's got stacked
up in the shed.
Putting junk in a rotten shed,
you don't see a
problem with that?
Maybe I do have a
little bit of problem.
- Is that a yes?
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Woo!
- I'll do it.
Drastic times, call
for drastic measures.
All right, y'all may
wanna back up.
- Where you going?
- You'll see.
When those drastic
measures are really cool,
all the better.
Not sure she knows
what she's doing.
- There she goes.
- Oh boy.
- We're all here for you, mom.
- Say bye-bye.
They don't even build
things like they used to.
Hey, now you gotta knock
the other side down, dummy.
- Oh mom.
- Woo!
- I think that's it.
- Amen. Let's eat.
All right y'all.
Ready, let's bow.
Father, we do thank you
for another good day here.
You have been
extremely kind to us.
Thank you for this good food.
I pray we love
you more each day,
and love each other.
- In the name of Jesus, amen.
- Amen!
We all got our flaws, whether
we admit to them or not.
For instance, some
of us are hoarders,
and some of us are a
little too self-conscious
about our weight.
While we don't always
acknowledge our own weaknesses,
leave it to your family
to help you face the truth.
Sure, it may be embarrassing
or uncomfortable,
but they're doing
it out of love.
And that's what family's for.
I wanna make an announcement.
I just ordered a brand new shed.
- Mom!
- Kay!
And the hoarding continues.