Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Family Funny Business - full transcript
THE BACKWOODS OF LOUISIANA
IS NOW HOME TO A NEW BREED OF
MILLIONAIRE... MY FAMILY.
PRETTY SCARY, HUH?
MY IDEA OF HAPPINESS
IS KILLING THINGS.
40 YEARS AGO, MY FATHER,
PHIL ROBERTSON, INVENTED A
REVOLUTIONARY KIND OF DUCK CALL THAT
CHANGED THE DUCK-HUNTING INDUSTRY...
AND OUR WAY OF LIFE FOREVER.
LOOKY HERE, LOOKY HERE.
GOOD TIMES HAVE COME OUR WAY.
AS CEO, I'VE TURNED MY DAD'S
ONE-MAN OPERATION INTO A BOOMING
FAMILY ENTERPRISE.
WILLIE... HE TOOK THE WHOLE THING
WAY FURTHER THAN I EVER WOULD.
SEND ME A CHECK EVERY MONTH.
MY BROTHER JASE
DESIGNS THE DUCK CALLS...
COME ON!
GO FOR IT!
AND MANAGES THE ASSEMBLY TEAM.
WHOO!
SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET KILLED
FOOLING AROUND ON THIS MESS.
UNCLE SI HEADS UP OPERATIONS.
COME AND GET IT!
MY MOM, MISS KAY...
GOOD OLD SQUIRREL BRAINS.
IS ALWAYS COOKING UP NEW WAYS
TO EXPAND THE BRAND.
WELCOME, STUDENTS.
I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH, MONEY
DIDN'T CHANGE SOME THINGS.
I DON'T LIKE MEAT FROM THE
GROCERY STORE.
IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
WE STILL MANAGE TO
STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.
All: AMEN.
All: AMEN.
BRAD JUST CALLED.
YEAH?
WE SENT THEM 1,000 DUCK PICKERS.
WHAT DID THEY ORDER?
TRIPLE THREATS.
JUST SEND THEM TRIPLE THREATS.
THERE'S, LIKE, THREE
IN THE BIN BACK THERE.
EVERY DUCK CALL WE MAKE AT
DUCK COMMANDER IS MADE BY HAND.
THE CALLS ARE MADE BY MY BROTHER
JASE, MY UNCLE SI, AND GODWIN.
MY WIFE, KORIE, SHE HELPS
ME RUN THE ENTIRE BUSINESS.
HEY.
IS ANYBODY BACK THERE?
HELLO?
WHERE'S EVERYBODY AT?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE EVERYBODY'S AT?
OKAY, LOOK, JOHN, CAN YOU
COME BACK TO MY OFFICE, PLEASE?
NO WONDER WE DON'T
HAVE ANY DUCK CALLS.
- EXTENSION 1-0-8-8...
- EX...
UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS WHOLE COMPANY
IS FALLING APART.
HOLY COW.
WHOO-HOO!
WHOA, COME ON.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T
BUY THESE CATFISH IN OPELOUSAS
IN A RESTAURANT.
OPELOUSAS CATFISH ONLY RUN
TWO WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR.
SO, WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING,
I'M RUNNING WITH THEM.
LOOK, YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON BEING OUT HERE IN THE WATER...
CATCHING THESE BIG
OPELOUSAS CATFISH.
WILLIE WANTS US UP
IN THE WAREHOUSE.
I GOT NEWS FOR WILLIE.
I WON'T BE THERE...
YEAH.
NOT WHILE THIS IS GOING ON.
BESIDES, SI IS NOT
AT THE OFFICE EITHER.
HE'S CLEARING BEAVER
DAMS WITH PHIL UP THE RIVER.
GAH!
DID YOU GET HIM?
I MISSED HIM.
RIGHT WHEN YOU PULLED IT, HIS
HEAD COME UP AND THEN HE WAS
GONE.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING OUT
THERE THAT I DON'T LIKE...
IT IS THE BEAVER.
HE IS A GREAT DAM BUILDER, BUT
HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLEAR THINKING
ON "WHY I'M DOING
WHAT I'M DOING."
HE JUST DOES IT 24-7.
HE NEVER STOPS, EVER.
THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BEAVERS,
SI, THEY'VE KILLED MILLIONS OF
ACRES OF TIMBER.
THEY LIKE THE VIETCONG.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THEY ONLY MOVE AT NIGHT...
AND THEY LIVE IN
HOLES IN THE GROUND.
AND THEY LIVE IN
HOLES IN THE GROUND.
YEP.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THE ONLY
GOOD BEAVER IS ONE WITH A BULLET
IN HIS HEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH.
DID YOU GET HIM?
NO.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
WHY AREN'T WE MAKING DUCK CALLS?
I'VE BEEN MAKING THEM ALL DAY.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
WE GOT THREE.
WHY AREN'T YOU
MAKING TRIPLE THREATS?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE WAS
MAKING DUCK PICKERS.
NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKING
TRIPLE THREATS IF WE HAVE THREE
IN THE BIN, I'VE TOLD Y'ALL.
WELL, LOOK, YOU'RE YELLING
AT ME... I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE.
FAMILY BUSINESS MEANS THE
FAMILY DOES THE BUSINESS.
AND RIGHT NOW GODWIN'S
THE ONLY ONE WORKING.
AND HE'S NOT EVEN
PART OF THE FAMILY.
I MEAN, WE JUST
HAVE TO GET IT DONE.
YEAH.
WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?
HEY.
HI, HI, HI.
HEY, Y'ALL.
WHOA, WILLIE, WILLIE, WILLIE.
YOU WANT A PLATE, WILLIE?
YEAH, SURE.
WILLIE, WE'VE BEEN OUT
KILLING BEAVERS, ME AND YOUR
UNCLE.
AND JASE IS LOADING THE BOAT
DOWN WITH OPELOUSAS CAT, BIG
FINE BLUES.
EVERYBODY HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
SO, WILL, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING?
TRYING TO KEEP THIS
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR OPERATION
TOGETHER.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE PAYING
US MUCH FOR THOSE BEAVER PELTS
ANYMORE.
THAT'S A GOOD THING THAT... YOU
KNOW, SOMEBODY
NEEDS TO MAKE MONEY.
WILLIE WENT OFF
AND GOT EDUCATED.
HE WEARS SUITS.
I'VE NEVER BOUGHT
A SUIT IN MY LIFE.
HE'S A SUIT MAN NOW.
THE LIFE OF A CEO.
JASE, THAT'S WHAT
YOUR BROTHER IS INTO.
WHEN YOU HEAR "CEO,"
YOU THINK, "CHIEF EXECUTIVE
OFFICER."
BUT WHEN I LOOK AT WILLIE, I
THINK IF YOU SAW HIM WALKING
DOWN THE ROAD, HE WOULD
BE LOOKING FOR A CAN TO PUT
A DOLLAR IN OR A SIGN
SAYING, "THE END IS NEAR."
WELL, HE'S TOO
BUSY ALL THE TIME.
I LIVE BY A CODE.
IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO DUCK-HUNT
OR CATCH FISH, YOU'RE TOO BUSY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT CODE IS
MESSING UP THE OPERATIONS AT
THE OFFICE.
JASE... HE HAS NO STRESS.
HE BRAGS ABOUT
BEING STRESS-FREE.
I MEAN, I LIKE TO HUNT TOO.
I WOULD LIKE TO HUNT EVERY DAY
OF THE YEAR, BUT WE HAVE TO RUN
A BUSINESS.
IF WE DON'T, WE'RE GOING TO
ALL HAVE TO GET REAL JOBS, AND
NONE OF US WILL GET TO HUNT.
SEE, WILL, YOU'RE TRYING TO
RE-PRIORITIZE YOUR BROTHER THERE
WHEN HE'S THINKING, "I
NEED TO KILL SOMETHING.
I NEED TO CATCH SOMETHING."
AND YOU'RE SAYING, "YOU
NEED TO MAKE MONEY."
I WILL HAVE TO ADMIT, WILLIE,
TO HIS CREDIT, AS FAR AS THE
BUSINESS SIDE...
HE TOOK THE WHOLE THING
WAY FURTHER THAN I EVER WOULD.
WELL, I WOULD SAY,
"YOU DID WELL, MY BOY.
SEND ME A CHECK EVERY MONTH."
I KNOW ONE THING.
I'M BEAT JUST TEARING OUT
BEAVER DAMS, I TELL YOU THAT.
BUT YOU BETTER NOT BE TOO TIRED.
YOU GOT TO GO OUT THERE
TONIGHT AND GET SOME FROGS.
TONIGHT?
YEAH, FOR THE COOKING
VIDEO TOMORROW.
I HAVE HAD SO MANY PEOPLE ASK
ME TO MAKE A COOKING DVD AT MY
CHURCH.
EVERYWHERE I GO, PEOPLE WANT
TO KNOW HOW I COOK MY FOOD.
NO.
WILLIE.
I LOVE IT.
WE HAVE TO MAKE THE
COOKING DVD TOMORROW.
WHY DO WE HAVE
TO DO IT TOMORROW?
WE'VE ALREADY SOLD THE DVDs.
YOU'VE ALREADY SOLD SOME OF
THESE COOKING VIDEOS THAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO GET US TO ACTUALLY DO?
YES.
ALL WE HAVE IS A PICTURE OF
THE DVD COVER AND NOTHING TO GO
INSIDE THE CASE.
WHY DO YOU NEED ME
FOR THE COOKING DVD?
YOU'RE ON THE COVER.
TAKE ME OFF THE COVER.
IT'S ALREADY IN THE CATALOG.
THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
AND WE'RE GOING TO
GO GET FROGS TONIGHT?
I'VE DONE WORSE THINGS THAN
FROG-HUNT ALL NIGHT LONG...
WAY WORSE.
WILL, YOU IN ON THE FROG HUNT?
YEP, I'M IN.
YOU FIND FROGS BY SHINING
YOUR LIGHT, AND YOU'LL SEE THE
WHITE PATCH OF BELLY WITH TWO
EYES ILLUMINATED.
THEY'RE GREEN.
IF YOU SEE RED
EYES, IT'S A GATOR.
THERE'S A FROG.
I MEAN A BIG UN.
HEY, GO RIGHT
TOWARD THEM BUSHES.
COMING IN HOT.
I SEE HIM.
DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH, I GOT HIM.
MAN, I HIT MY HEAD, THOUGH.
I WOULD RATE JASON ROBERTSON
AS ONE OF THE GREATEST
FROG CATCHERS OF ALL TIMES.
HE'LL SACRIFICE LIFE AND
LIMB TO GET THE FROG.
DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH, I GOT HIM.
OH, YEAH.
I HAVE CAUGHT THOUSANDS
OF FROGS IN MY LIFE.
I'M A FROG'S NIGHTMARE.
LITTLE TADPOLES ARE HAVING
NIGHTMARES ABOUT ME, BECAUSE
I GO IN, AND I TAKE THEM OUT.
I WAS JUST BORN THAT WAY.
FROG HUNTING'S A THREE-MAN JOB.
YOU GOT A MAN CATCHING THEM.
THAT'S MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.
YOU GOT A MOTORMAN
AND AN ICE-CHEST MAN.
CALM DOWN.
THE CATCHER AND THE MOTORMAN,
THEY HAVE TO HAVE SOME SKILLS.
THE ICE-CHEST MAN
CAN BE ANY HUMAN BEING.
SO THAT WAS WILLIE'S JOB.
GET HIM, WILLIE.
HEY!
DON'T YOU BE PEEING ON ME.
YOU JUST KISSED HIS BUTT.
MISS KAY GONNA BE HAPPY.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
HOW MANY DOES
THAT MAKE US, WILL?
WE GOT PASSEL LOAD OF THEM.
IF WE LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I
CAN GET YOU ALL BACK AT
THE HOUSE AT 3:00 A.M.
LET'S CATCH ONE MORE.
ONE MORE.
WE'VE GOT A $100,000 ORDER
TO DO TOMORROW, AND ALL JASE
WANTS TO DO IS
CATCH ONE MORE FROG.
OH!
KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED.
OH, SNAKE, WILLIE.
WILLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT THERE?
WHAT KIND OF SNAKE IS THAT?
IT'S NOT THAT I WAS
SCARED OF THAT SNAKE.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
KIND OF SNAKE IT WAS.
I MEAN, IF IT'S POISONOUS, I'M
I'M GETTING OUT OF THE BOAT.
LOOKED LIKE A DAD
GUM WATER MOCCASIN.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S BACK IN THE BOAT.
THAT WAS WORTH SEEING,
I'LL HAVE TO ADMIT THAT.
HEY, LET'S GET
BACK ON THE FROGS.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
SUCK IT UP.
HE'S ACTING LIKE HIS
LIFE WAS IN JEOPARDY.
WHAT A WEENIE.
TOO MANY DAYS
IN THE SUBDIVISION.
SNAKES FALL OUT OF
TREES, YOU GO TO RUNNING.
COME ON, COLE MAN, I'M GOING TO
SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS.
I'VE GOT THESE GRANDKIDS NOW...
A PRETTY GOOD PASSEL OF THEM.
MY TASK IS TO TEACH
THEM TO LIVE OFF THE LAND.
IT'S A GOOD THING...
CLEAN AND HONORABLE.
FROG KILLING.
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT'S THE SOUND OF A BULLFROG
LOSING HIS HEAD, COLE MAN.
THERE'S SOME FINE STUFF THAT
GOES OUT HERE IN THIS SWAMP.
THAT'S JUST ONE OF
THEM RIGHT THERE.
I WOULD CONSIDER THAT A
DELICACY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER,
MR. COLE MAN.
YUPPIE GIRLS WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
DON'T MARRY SOME YUPPIE GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
MM-HMM.
WELL, ALL THESE GRANDSONS
OF MINE, ALL OF WILLIE'S BOYS,
JASON'S BOYS, I GIVE THEM A
LITTLE RIVER-RAT COUNSELING
FREE OF CHARGE.
FIND YOU A MEEK, GENTLE,
KIND-SPIRITED COUNTRY GIRL.
IF SHE KNOWS HOW TO COOK...
AND SHE CARRIES HER BIBLE AND
LIVES BY IT, AND SHE
LOVES TO EAT BULLFROGS...
NOW, THERE'S A WOMAN.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
SEE, THE FIRST PREREQUISITE
FOR MARRYING A WOMAN, IN MY
OPINION... CAN SHE COOK?
YOU GONNA BE THERE FOR 50 YEARS,
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHETHER
SHE CAN COOK OR NOT?
WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT?
WELL, WE'LL JUST LIVE OFF LOVE.
NOT REALLY.
YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH.
SHE DON'T HAVE TO
BE A PRETTY GIRL.
JUST BECAUSE SHE LOOKS A
LITTLE HOMELY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S HARD TO GET A PRETTY ONE...
TO COOK AND CARRY A BIBLE
ANYMORE.
PASS ME ANOTHER FROG.
WHOO.
IF I ONLY HAD SOME DUCKS
TO TEST THAT OUT ON.
THERE'S NOT A DUCK WITHIN
30 MILES OF THIS BUILDING.
NO, IT AIN'T.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S AROUND HERE?
CONCRETE.
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE
COUNTRY, TOO MUCH CONCRETE.
WE NEED TO BUILD A TESTING
AND RESEARCH FACILITY FOR THESE
DUCK CALLS, BECAUSE I
WANT TO SEE THE RESPONSE.
WE'RE HURTING IN
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT.
YEAH.
DUCK-CALL MAKING IS ALL ABOUT
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT.
WHENEVER YOU QUIT
RESEARCHING, YOU QUIT DEVELOPING.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS GO TO
THE LOADING DOCK WHERE IT'S
LOW...
IT'S ALREADY A LOW
SPOT THERE ALREADY.
PLUG THE HOLE, JUST ADD
WATER, ADD DUCKS, AND WE GOT IT.
AND THEN YOU COME OUT WITH A
DUCK CALL, AND YOU SAY, "TESTED
AND TRIED WITH REAL DUCKS."
YEP.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE WHEN THE
ARMY MAKES WEAPONS, THEY HAVE A
TESTING RANGE, OKAY, WHERE THEY
ACTUALLY TAKE THE PRODUCT OUT
AND FIRE IT.
A TRUE DUCK HUNTER... HE NEEDS
TO HEAR A LIVE DUCK EVERY ONCE IN
A WHILE.
YEAH.
IT DOES HIS HEART GOOD.
GOOD POINT, SI.
RIGHT.
HEY, ARE WE READY?
YES, ARE Y'ALL READY?
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
I KNOW WILLIE'S GOT PROBLEMS AT
THE WAREHOUSE, BUT WE HAVE TO
GET THIS DVD DONE TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, KAY'S
GONNA START IT OFF.
SHE'S GOING TO DO A LITTLE
"WELCOME TO MISS KAY'S KITCHEN."
WHAT ABOUT, "WELCOME, STUDENTS"?
DO THAT.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S JUST DO WHATEVER.
LET'S JUST DO IT.
I'LL SAY WHEN IT'S TIME.
YEAH, YOU START 'EM OFF.
OKAY?
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO...
THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU GOT ABOUT THREE WORDS OUT.
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO
KAY'S COMMANDER KITCHEN.
AND I HAVE MY TWO
ASSISTANTS THAT I HOPE WILL...
DO A...
WHAT IS IT?
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO
KAY'S COMMANDER KITCHEN.
I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT DOING
FROGS.
CAN WE JUST NOT MAKE THIS?
CAN WE JUST RESCHEDULE THIS?
PLEASE?
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
ASKING ME THAT QUESTION?
I'M ALL ABOUT THE COOKING
DVD, BUT MY MIND'S REALLY ON
THAT DUCK-CALL ORDER
THAT WE SCREWED UP.
I MEAN, I NEED TO BE UP
THERE HELPING THOSE GUYS.
IT'S AS IF THE LOADING DOCK
WAS JUST REACHING OUT AND
CALLING MY NAME, SAYING,
"BRING ME SOME DUCKS."
HEY, LOOK.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS
A PIECE OF TRASH.
THAT'S A TURTLE.
I TOOK THIS TURTLE AS A SIGN
THAT THIS IS WHERE THE POND
NEEDS TO GO.
ALL RIGHT.
SEAL HER UP.
I HOPE IT HOLDS.
OH, YEAH.
IT JUST NEEDS TIME.
I'M ON THE THRESHOLD OF ONE
OF THE GREATEST IDEAS THE CITY
OF WEST MONROE HAS EVER KNOWN.
IN A MINUTE, WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA FIND OUT... THAT MAKING A
PIE CRUST IS A LOT LIKE COOKING.
MAKING A PIE CRUST
IS A LOT LIKE COOKING?
LIKE SEWING.
MAKING A PIE CRUST IS A LOT
LIKE COOKING BECAUSE YOU ARE
COOKING.
300 DEGREES FOR
ABOUT 35 MINUTES, LADIES.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME
JUST SAY A POINT, PHIL.
YOU KEEP TALKING TO, LIKE,
LADIES, AND MEN ARE COOKING TOO,
SO IT'S NOT JUST GONNA BE
LADIES WATCHING THE DVDs...
YEAH, GIRLY MEN...
ALL THE GIRLY MEN.
NO, ARE YOU A GIRLY MAN?
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE A MAN.
WHAT T YOU HAVE
IS FROG LEGS HERE.
YOU MARINATE THEM
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
SO YOU JUST POUR A
LITTLE BUTTERMILK ON THEM...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HOW MUCH BUTTERMILK
ARE YOU PUTTING IN THERE?
YOU'RE JUST DUMPING
BUTTERMILK... NO AMOUNT.
IS THERE AN AMOUNT?
IS THERE, LIKE... ANY AMOUNT.
THEY JUST ALL NEED TO LOOK WET.
NO AMOUNT, ANY AMOUNT.
OKAY, YOU NEED TO SAY THAT.
THEN SAY THAT ON THE... SAY IT.
PRETEND LIKE... WELL,
IF YOU ALL WILL BE
QUIET FOR MAYBE
JUST FIVE SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I CAN DO THIS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IN AMERICA, THE ART OF
COOKING HAS DROPPED TO SUCH A
LOW LEVEL, 'CAUSE, I MEAN, THIS
MICROWAVE STUFF, YOU KNOW...
OH, IT'S PITIFUL.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK THAT'S GOOD.
HERE'S THE DEAL, PHIL.
YOU'VE BEEN COOKING FOR...
50 YEARS.
YOU KNOW WHAT...
YOU'RE CORRECT.
TO DO WITH THE FROG LEGS.
YOU'RE CORRECT.
YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS.
WE DON'T KNOW THAT.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
LIKE, THE VIEWER
DOES NOT KNOW THAT.
I JUST SHOWED YOU.
POUR BUTTERMILK IN THERE.
LET'S JUST GO TO THE NEXT THING.
I MEAN, IT'S HOLDING.
IT'S HOLDING.
HEY, JASE.
HEY, JOHN.
HEY, LINDA.
WHAT YOU BOYS DOING UP IN HERE?
WELL, WE'RE ACTUALLY
BUILDING A RESEARCH POND FOR
DUCKS IN THE LOADING DOCK.
WHERE ARE THE TRUCKS
GOING TO UNLOAD?
WE HAVE IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.
IT'S GONNA GET UGLY AROUND HERE.
OH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT.
DID YOU?
UH, IT CROSSED MY MIND.
BUT, I MEAN, I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING
REVOLUTIONARY HERE.
AND SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT WHERE
THE TRUCKS ARE GOING TO PULL IN
AND OUT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL START THIS
OFF WITH "STUDENTS".
REMEMBER WHEN
WE DID THAT BEFORE?
KAY, DO THE VIDEO.
OH.
YEAH, DON'T KEEP SAYING,
"REMEMBER WHEN WE DID THAT?"
WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING HERE.
WE'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR
THREE HOURS WITH THIS COOKING
DVD, AND WE'RE
NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED.
I SAY WE MAKE A COOKING DVD ON
HOW TO NOT MAKE COOKING DVDs.
AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING,
THIS GONNA BE ABOUT 1:00 OR
2:00 IN THE MORNING BEFORE Y'ALL
KNOCK THIS LITTLE BABY OUT.
NO, WE'RE GONNA GET IT.
HELLO?
WILLIE, THE GUYS ARE OUT
THERE, AND THEY'RE FLOODING THE
LOADING DOCK.
YOU NEED TO GET UP HERE.
I'LL BE THERE IN 30 MINUTES.
NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
HEY, THEY'RE FLOODING
THE LOADING DOCK.
WILLIE.
HE'S GONE.
OH, WE GOT A BUNCH OF HAPPY
DUCKS IN THIS LITTLE OLD POND.
I MEAN, DOESN'T IT DO YOUR
HEART GOOD TO BRING THIS MUCH
JOY AND HAPPINESS TO
THE PET-STORE DUCKS?
WHEN I SAW THOSE DUCKS COME
OUT OF THAT CAGE AND INTO THE POND,
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
FULFILLING MOMENTS THAT I'VE
EVER HAD.
YEP, I ACTUALLY
THINK IT'LL WORK, JASE.
OH, IT'LL WORK.
THEY'RE HAPPY.
YEP.
ALL WE NEED IS SOME DUCK CALLS.
THAT'S IT.
WHAT YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I THINK?
THIS IS STUPID.
THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID.
WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.
YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE YOU
FLOODING THE LOADING DOCK?
I FIGURE THEY CAN PULL IN
THAT HATCH RIGHT THERE.
NO!
THIS IS THE LOADING DOCK!
WE HAVE A REAL BUSINESS.
WE SHIP REAL ORDERS.
I'VE BEEN UP FOR,
LIKE, 40 HOURS.
I'M DOWN THERE
MAKING A STUPID DVD.
AND I GET BACK HERE, AND I LOOK
AT THIS SH... THE DUMPSTER'S IN
THE WATER.
HOW WE GONNA MOVE THE GARBAGE?
EVERYBODY HERE IS DOING NOTHING.
AND I CAN'T FIRE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE KIN TO ME!
NOW, WILLIE... WELL, HE WAS
JUST HAVING A BAD, BAD WEEK.
YOU KNOW, THE WOES OF RUNNING
A BUSINESS WERE KIND OF PILED UP
ON HIM.
GOT TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE.
EVERYBODY GET BACK IN THERE.
WE'RE DOING OUR JOB.
WE WILL STAY UP HERE ALL
NIGHT TO GET THE ORDER FINISHED.
WHATEVER.
I GOT IT.
LET'S GO TO WORK, BOYS.
DID IT EVEN WORK, ANYWAY?
DID WHAT WORK?
THE STUPID BOOTLEG POND
OUT THERE IN THE LOADING DOCK.
WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SEE.
WE WERE AT THE FINISH LINE, AND
YOU PULLED UP GUNS A-BLAZING.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
WE'RE BACK IN HERE.
AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT
SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN, YOU'RE NOT
A LITTLE BIT CURIOUS ON
WHETHER IT WOULD WORK OR NOT.
YOU WANT TO GO FIND
OUT, LITTLE BROTHER?
THIS IS PRETTY COOL.
IT IS.
I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS MY IDEA.
I THINK I TOLD YOU, LIKE, FIVE
YEARS AGO I WANTED TO DO THIS.
NO, IT WAS NOT.
NO, I DID, SERIOUSLY.
IT WAS NOT.
OH, LIKE, FIVE YEARS
AGO, I TOLD YOU THIS IDEA.
FIVE YEARS AGO?
YEAH, I SAID I WANTED
DUCKS AT THE OFFICE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE
GONNA COME UP WITH FIVE YEARS,
IT WAS YOUR IDEA?
NO, I'M TELLING YOU.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT
PUT IT IN YOUR MIND.
PHIL, GET THE TEA.
OH, I'M READY TO EAT.
I NEED THAT RIGHT HERE.
OH, I'LL SIT THEM RIGHT
IN FRONT OF YOU, HONEY.
HE'S COMING.
I GOT ONE MORE BATCH, BUT
THIS OUGHT TO HOLD US FOR
A WHILE.
FATHER, WE THANK YOU FOR
ANOTHER GOOD DAY ON PLANET EARTH.
WE DO THANK YOU FOR THESE GOOD
FISH YOU BLESSED US WITH, AMEN.
All: AMEN.
DIG IN.
NOBODY DRIVES US CRAZY
LIKE OUR OWN FAMILY.
THEY'RE ODD.
THEY PUSH OUR BUTTONS.
THEY'RE THE SOURCE OF OUR
BIGGEST FRUSTRATIONS, BUT ALSO
OUR GREATEST JOY.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS GONNA RUN
SMOOTHLY, AND WE'RE NOT ALWAYS
GONNA AGREE, BUT IN THE
END, WE'RE A FAMILY FIRST AND
A BUSINESS SECOND.
IS NOW HOME TO A NEW BREED OF
MILLIONAIRE... MY FAMILY.
PRETTY SCARY, HUH?
MY IDEA OF HAPPINESS
IS KILLING THINGS.
40 YEARS AGO, MY FATHER,
PHIL ROBERTSON, INVENTED A
REVOLUTIONARY KIND OF DUCK CALL THAT
CHANGED THE DUCK-HUNTING INDUSTRY...
AND OUR WAY OF LIFE FOREVER.
LOOKY HERE, LOOKY HERE.
GOOD TIMES HAVE COME OUR WAY.
AS CEO, I'VE TURNED MY DAD'S
ONE-MAN OPERATION INTO A BOOMING
FAMILY ENTERPRISE.
WILLIE... HE TOOK THE WHOLE THING
WAY FURTHER THAN I EVER WOULD.
SEND ME A CHECK EVERY MONTH.
MY BROTHER JASE
DESIGNS THE DUCK CALLS...
COME ON!
GO FOR IT!
AND MANAGES THE ASSEMBLY TEAM.
WHOO!
SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET KILLED
FOOLING AROUND ON THIS MESS.
UNCLE SI HEADS UP OPERATIONS.
COME AND GET IT!
MY MOM, MISS KAY...
GOOD OLD SQUIRREL BRAINS.
IS ALWAYS COOKING UP NEW WAYS
TO EXPAND THE BRAND.
WELCOME, STUDENTS.
I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH, MONEY
DIDN'T CHANGE SOME THINGS.
I DON'T LIKE MEAT FROM THE
GROCERY STORE.
IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
WE STILL MANAGE TO
STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.
All: AMEN.
All: AMEN.
BRAD JUST CALLED.
YEAH?
WE SENT THEM 1,000 DUCK PICKERS.
WHAT DID THEY ORDER?
TRIPLE THREATS.
JUST SEND THEM TRIPLE THREATS.
THERE'S, LIKE, THREE
IN THE BIN BACK THERE.
EVERY DUCK CALL WE MAKE AT
DUCK COMMANDER IS MADE BY HAND.
THE CALLS ARE MADE BY MY BROTHER
JASE, MY UNCLE SI, AND GODWIN.
MY WIFE, KORIE, SHE HELPS
ME RUN THE ENTIRE BUSINESS.
HEY.
IS ANYBODY BACK THERE?
HELLO?
WHERE'S EVERYBODY AT?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE EVERYBODY'S AT?
OKAY, LOOK, JOHN, CAN YOU
COME BACK TO MY OFFICE, PLEASE?
NO WONDER WE DON'T
HAVE ANY DUCK CALLS.
- EXTENSION 1-0-8-8...
- EX...
UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS WHOLE COMPANY
IS FALLING APART.
HOLY COW.
WHOO-HOO!
WHOA, COME ON.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T
BUY THESE CATFISH IN OPELOUSAS
IN A RESTAURANT.
OPELOUSAS CATFISH ONLY RUN
TWO WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR.
SO, WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING,
I'M RUNNING WITH THEM.
LOOK, YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON BEING OUT HERE IN THE WATER...
CATCHING THESE BIG
OPELOUSAS CATFISH.
WILLIE WANTS US UP
IN THE WAREHOUSE.
I GOT NEWS FOR WILLIE.
I WON'T BE THERE...
YEAH.
NOT WHILE THIS IS GOING ON.
BESIDES, SI IS NOT
AT THE OFFICE EITHER.
HE'S CLEARING BEAVER
DAMS WITH PHIL UP THE RIVER.
GAH!
DID YOU GET HIM?
I MISSED HIM.
RIGHT WHEN YOU PULLED IT, HIS
HEAD COME UP AND THEN HE WAS
GONE.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING OUT
THERE THAT I DON'T LIKE...
IT IS THE BEAVER.
HE IS A GREAT DAM BUILDER, BUT
HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLEAR THINKING
ON "WHY I'M DOING
WHAT I'M DOING."
HE JUST DOES IT 24-7.
HE NEVER STOPS, EVER.
THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BEAVERS,
SI, THEY'VE KILLED MILLIONS OF
ACRES OF TIMBER.
THEY LIKE THE VIETCONG.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THEY ONLY MOVE AT NIGHT...
AND THEY LIVE IN
HOLES IN THE GROUND.
AND THEY LIVE IN
HOLES IN THE GROUND.
YEP.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THE ONLY
GOOD BEAVER IS ONE WITH A BULLET
IN HIS HEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH.
DID YOU GET HIM?
NO.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
WHY AREN'T WE MAKING DUCK CALLS?
I'VE BEEN MAKING THEM ALL DAY.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
WE GOT THREE.
WHY AREN'T YOU
MAKING TRIPLE THREATS?
WELL, I THOUGHT WE WAS
MAKING DUCK PICKERS.
NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKING
TRIPLE THREATS IF WE HAVE THREE
IN THE BIN, I'VE TOLD Y'ALL.
WELL, LOOK, YOU'RE YELLING
AT ME... I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE.
FAMILY BUSINESS MEANS THE
FAMILY DOES THE BUSINESS.
AND RIGHT NOW GODWIN'S
THE ONLY ONE WORKING.
AND HE'S NOT EVEN
PART OF THE FAMILY.
I MEAN, WE JUST
HAVE TO GET IT DONE.
YEAH.
WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?
HEY.
HI, HI, HI.
HEY, Y'ALL.
WHOA, WILLIE, WILLIE, WILLIE.
YOU WANT A PLATE, WILLIE?
YEAH, SURE.
WILLIE, WE'VE BEEN OUT
KILLING BEAVERS, ME AND YOUR
UNCLE.
AND JASE IS LOADING THE BOAT
DOWN WITH OPELOUSAS CAT, BIG
FINE BLUES.
EVERYBODY HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
SO, WILL, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING?
TRYING TO KEEP THIS
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR OPERATION
TOGETHER.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE PAYING
US MUCH FOR THOSE BEAVER PELTS
ANYMORE.
THAT'S A GOOD THING THAT... YOU
KNOW, SOMEBODY
NEEDS TO MAKE MONEY.
WILLIE WENT OFF
AND GOT EDUCATED.
HE WEARS SUITS.
I'VE NEVER BOUGHT
A SUIT IN MY LIFE.
HE'S A SUIT MAN NOW.
THE LIFE OF A CEO.
JASE, THAT'S WHAT
YOUR BROTHER IS INTO.
WHEN YOU HEAR "CEO,"
YOU THINK, "CHIEF EXECUTIVE
OFFICER."
BUT WHEN I LOOK AT WILLIE, I
THINK IF YOU SAW HIM WALKING
DOWN THE ROAD, HE WOULD
BE LOOKING FOR A CAN TO PUT
A DOLLAR IN OR A SIGN
SAYING, "THE END IS NEAR."
WELL, HE'S TOO
BUSY ALL THE TIME.
I LIVE BY A CODE.
IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO DUCK-HUNT
OR CATCH FISH, YOU'RE TOO BUSY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT CODE IS
MESSING UP THE OPERATIONS AT
THE OFFICE.
JASE... HE HAS NO STRESS.
HE BRAGS ABOUT
BEING STRESS-FREE.
I MEAN, I LIKE TO HUNT TOO.
I WOULD LIKE TO HUNT EVERY DAY
OF THE YEAR, BUT WE HAVE TO RUN
A BUSINESS.
IF WE DON'T, WE'RE GOING TO
ALL HAVE TO GET REAL JOBS, AND
NONE OF US WILL GET TO HUNT.
SEE, WILL, YOU'RE TRYING TO
RE-PRIORITIZE YOUR BROTHER THERE
WHEN HE'S THINKING, "I
NEED TO KILL SOMETHING.
I NEED TO CATCH SOMETHING."
AND YOU'RE SAYING, "YOU
NEED TO MAKE MONEY."
I WILL HAVE TO ADMIT, WILLIE,
TO HIS CREDIT, AS FAR AS THE
BUSINESS SIDE...
HE TOOK THE WHOLE THING
WAY FURTHER THAN I EVER WOULD.
WELL, I WOULD SAY,
"YOU DID WELL, MY BOY.
SEND ME A CHECK EVERY MONTH."
I KNOW ONE THING.
I'M BEAT JUST TEARING OUT
BEAVER DAMS, I TELL YOU THAT.
BUT YOU BETTER NOT BE TOO TIRED.
YOU GOT TO GO OUT THERE
TONIGHT AND GET SOME FROGS.
TONIGHT?
YEAH, FOR THE COOKING
VIDEO TOMORROW.
I HAVE HAD SO MANY PEOPLE ASK
ME TO MAKE A COOKING DVD AT MY
CHURCH.
EVERYWHERE I GO, PEOPLE WANT
TO KNOW HOW I COOK MY FOOD.
NO.
WILLIE.
I LOVE IT.
WE HAVE TO MAKE THE
COOKING DVD TOMORROW.
WHY DO WE HAVE
TO DO IT TOMORROW?
WE'VE ALREADY SOLD THE DVDs.
YOU'VE ALREADY SOLD SOME OF
THESE COOKING VIDEOS THAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO GET US TO ACTUALLY DO?
YES.
ALL WE HAVE IS A PICTURE OF
THE DVD COVER AND NOTHING TO GO
INSIDE THE CASE.
WHY DO YOU NEED ME
FOR THE COOKING DVD?
YOU'RE ON THE COVER.
TAKE ME OFF THE COVER.
IT'S ALREADY IN THE CATALOG.
THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
AND WE'RE GOING TO
GO GET FROGS TONIGHT?
I'VE DONE WORSE THINGS THAN
FROG-HUNT ALL NIGHT LONG...
WAY WORSE.
WILL, YOU IN ON THE FROG HUNT?
YEP, I'M IN.
YOU FIND FROGS BY SHINING
YOUR LIGHT, AND YOU'LL SEE THE
WHITE PATCH OF BELLY WITH TWO
EYES ILLUMINATED.
THEY'RE GREEN.
IF YOU SEE RED
EYES, IT'S A GATOR.
THERE'S A FROG.
I MEAN A BIG UN.
HEY, GO RIGHT
TOWARD THEM BUSHES.
COMING IN HOT.
I SEE HIM.
DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH, I GOT HIM.
MAN, I HIT MY HEAD, THOUGH.
I WOULD RATE JASON ROBERTSON
AS ONE OF THE GREATEST
FROG CATCHERS OF ALL TIMES.
HE'LL SACRIFICE LIFE AND
LIMB TO GET THE FROG.
DID YOU GET HIM?
YEAH, I GOT HIM.
OH, YEAH.
I HAVE CAUGHT THOUSANDS
OF FROGS IN MY LIFE.
I'M A FROG'S NIGHTMARE.
LITTLE TADPOLES ARE HAVING
NIGHTMARES ABOUT ME, BECAUSE
I GO IN, AND I TAKE THEM OUT.
I WAS JUST BORN THAT WAY.
FROG HUNTING'S A THREE-MAN JOB.
YOU GOT A MAN CATCHING THEM.
THAT'S MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.
YOU GOT A MOTORMAN
AND AN ICE-CHEST MAN.
CALM DOWN.
THE CATCHER AND THE MOTORMAN,
THEY HAVE TO HAVE SOME SKILLS.
THE ICE-CHEST MAN
CAN BE ANY HUMAN BEING.
SO THAT WAS WILLIE'S JOB.
GET HIM, WILLIE.
HEY!
DON'T YOU BE PEEING ON ME.
YOU JUST KISSED HIS BUTT.
MISS KAY GONNA BE HAPPY.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
HOW MANY DOES
THAT MAKE US, WILL?
WE GOT PASSEL LOAD OF THEM.
IF WE LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I
CAN GET YOU ALL BACK AT
THE HOUSE AT 3:00 A.M.
LET'S CATCH ONE MORE.
ONE MORE.
WE'VE GOT A $100,000 ORDER
TO DO TOMORROW, AND ALL JASE
WANTS TO DO IS
CATCH ONE MORE FROG.
OH!
KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED.
OH, SNAKE, WILLIE.
WILLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT THERE?
WHAT KIND OF SNAKE IS THAT?
IT'S NOT THAT I WAS
SCARED OF THAT SNAKE.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
KIND OF SNAKE IT WAS.
I MEAN, IF IT'S POISONOUS, I'M
I'M GETTING OUT OF THE BOAT.
LOOKED LIKE A DAD
GUM WATER MOCCASIN.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S BACK IN THE BOAT.
THAT WAS WORTH SEEING,
I'LL HAVE TO ADMIT THAT.
HEY, LET'S GET
BACK ON THE FROGS.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
SUCK IT UP.
HE'S ACTING LIKE HIS
LIFE WAS IN JEOPARDY.
WHAT A WEENIE.
TOO MANY DAYS
IN THE SUBDIVISION.
SNAKES FALL OUT OF
TREES, YOU GO TO RUNNING.
COME ON, COLE MAN, I'M GOING TO
SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS.
I'VE GOT THESE GRANDKIDS NOW...
A PRETTY GOOD PASSEL OF THEM.
MY TASK IS TO TEACH
THEM TO LIVE OFF THE LAND.
IT'S A GOOD THING...
CLEAN AND HONORABLE.
FROG KILLING.
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT'S THE SOUND OF A BULLFROG
LOSING HIS HEAD, COLE MAN.
THERE'S SOME FINE STUFF THAT
GOES OUT HERE IN THIS SWAMP.
THAT'S JUST ONE OF
THEM RIGHT THERE.
I WOULD CONSIDER THAT A
DELICACY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER,
MR. COLE MAN.
YUPPIE GIRLS WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
DON'T MARRY SOME YUPPIE GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
MM-HMM.
WELL, ALL THESE GRANDSONS
OF MINE, ALL OF WILLIE'S BOYS,
JASON'S BOYS, I GIVE THEM A
LITTLE RIVER-RAT COUNSELING
FREE OF CHARGE.
FIND YOU A MEEK, GENTLE,
KIND-SPIRITED COUNTRY GIRL.
IF SHE KNOWS HOW TO COOK...
AND SHE CARRIES HER BIBLE AND
LIVES BY IT, AND SHE
LOVES TO EAT BULLFROGS...
NOW, THERE'S A WOMAN.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
SEE, THE FIRST PREREQUISITE
FOR MARRYING A WOMAN, IN MY
OPINION... CAN SHE COOK?
YOU GONNA BE THERE FOR 50 YEARS,
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHETHER
SHE CAN COOK OR NOT?
WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT?
WELL, WE'LL JUST LIVE OFF LOVE.
NOT REALLY.
YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH.
SHE DON'T HAVE TO
BE A PRETTY GIRL.
JUST BECAUSE SHE LOOKS A
LITTLE HOMELY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S HARD TO GET A PRETTY ONE...
TO COOK AND CARRY A BIBLE
ANYMORE.
PASS ME ANOTHER FROG.
WHOO.
IF I ONLY HAD SOME DUCKS
TO TEST THAT OUT ON.
THERE'S NOT A DUCK WITHIN
30 MILES OF THIS BUILDING.
NO, IT AIN'T.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S AROUND HERE?
CONCRETE.
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE
COUNTRY, TOO MUCH CONCRETE.
WE NEED TO BUILD A TESTING
AND RESEARCH FACILITY FOR THESE
DUCK CALLS, BECAUSE I
WANT TO SEE THE RESPONSE.
WE'RE HURTING IN
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT.
YEAH.
DUCK-CALL MAKING IS ALL ABOUT
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT.
WHENEVER YOU QUIT
RESEARCHING, YOU QUIT DEVELOPING.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS GO TO
THE LOADING DOCK WHERE IT'S
LOW...
IT'S ALREADY A LOW
SPOT THERE ALREADY.
PLUG THE HOLE, JUST ADD
WATER, ADD DUCKS, AND WE GOT IT.
AND THEN YOU COME OUT WITH A
DUCK CALL, AND YOU SAY, "TESTED
AND TRIED WITH REAL DUCKS."
YEP.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE WHEN THE
ARMY MAKES WEAPONS, THEY HAVE A
TESTING RANGE, OKAY, WHERE THEY
ACTUALLY TAKE THE PRODUCT OUT
AND FIRE IT.
A TRUE DUCK HUNTER... HE NEEDS
TO HEAR A LIVE DUCK EVERY ONCE IN
A WHILE.
YEAH.
IT DOES HIS HEART GOOD.
GOOD POINT, SI.
RIGHT.
HEY, ARE WE READY?
YES, ARE Y'ALL READY?
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
I KNOW WILLIE'S GOT PROBLEMS AT
THE WAREHOUSE, BUT WE HAVE TO
GET THIS DVD DONE TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, KAY'S
GONNA START IT OFF.
SHE'S GOING TO DO A LITTLE
"WELCOME TO MISS KAY'S KITCHEN."
WHAT ABOUT, "WELCOME, STUDENTS"?
DO THAT.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S JUST DO WHATEVER.
LET'S JUST DO IT.
I'LL SAY WHEN IT'S TIME.
YEAH, YOU START 'EM OFF.
OKAY?
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO...
THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU GOT ABOUT THREE WORDS OUT.
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO
KAY'S COMMANDER KITCHEN.
AND I HAVE MY TWO
ASSISTANTS THAT I HOPE WILL...
DO A...
WHAT IS IT?
WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO
KAY'S COMMANDER KITCHEN.
I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT DOING
FROGS.
CAN WE JUST NOT MAKE THIS?
CAN WE JUST RESCHEDULE THIS?
PLEASE?
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
ASKING ME THAT QUESTION?
I'M ALL ABOUT THE COOKING
DVD, BUT MY MIND'S REALLY ON
THAT DUCK-CALL ORDER
THAT WE SCREWED UP.
I MEAN, I NEED TO BE UP
THERE HELPING THOSE GUYS.
IT'S AS IF THE LOADING DOCK
WAS JUST REACHING OUT AND
CALLING MY NAME, SAYING,
"BRING ME SOME DUCKS."
HEY, LOOK.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS
A PIECE OF TRASH.
THAT'S A TURTLE.
I TOOK THIS TURTLE AS A SIGN
THAT THIS IS WHERE THE POND
NEEDS TO GO.
ALL RIGHT.
SEAL HER UP.
I HOPE IT HOLDS.
OH, YEAH.
IT JUST NEEDS TIME.
I'M ON THE THRESHOLD OF ONE
OF THE GREATEST IDEAS THE CITY
OF WEST MONROE HAS EVER KNOWN.
IN A MINUTE, WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA FIND OUT... THAT MAKING A
PIE CRUST IS A LOT LIKE COOKING.
MAKING A PIE CRUST
IS A LOT LIKE COOKING?
LIKE SEWING.
MAKING A PIE CRUST IS A LOT
LIKE COOKING BECAUSE YOU ARE
COOKING.
300 DEGREES FOR
ABOUT 35 MINUTES, LADIES.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME
JUST SAY A POINT, PHIL.
YOU KEEP TALKING TO, LIKE,
LADIES, AND MEN ARE COOKING TOO,
SO IT'S NOT JUST GONNA BE
LADIES WATCHING THE DVDs...
YEAH, GIRLY MEN...
ALL THE GIRLY MEN.
NO, ARE YOU A GIRLY MAN?
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE A MAN.
WHAT T YOU HAVE
IS FROG LEGS HERE.
YOU MARINATE THEM
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
SO YOU JUST POUR A
LITTLE BUTTERMILK ON THEM...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HOW MUCH BUTTERMILK
ARE YOU PUTTING IN THERE?
YOU'RE JUST DUMPING
BUTTERMILK... NO AMOUNT.
IS THERE AN AMOUNT?
IS THERE, LIKE... ANY AMOUNT.
THEY JUST ALL NEED TO LOOK WET.
NO AMOUNT, ANY AMOUNT.
OKAY, YOU NEED TO SAY THAT.
THEN SAY THAT ON THE... SAY IT.
PRETEND LIKE... WELL,
IF YOU ALL WILL BE
QUIET FOR MAYBE
JUST FIVE SECONDS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I CAN DO THIS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IN AMERICA, THE ART OF
COOKING HAS DROPPED TO SUCH A
LOW LEVEL, 'CAUSE, I MEAN, THIS
MICROWAVE STUFF, YOU KNOW...
OH, IT'S PITIFUL.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK THAT'S GOOD.
HERE'S THE DEAL, PHIL.
YOU'VE BEEN COOKING FOR...
50 YEARS.
YOU KNOW WHAT...
YOU'RE CORRECT.
TO DO WITH THE FROG LEGS.
YOU'RE CORRECT.
YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS.
WE DON'T KNOW THAT.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
LIKE, THE VIEWER
DOES NOT KNOW THAT.
I JUST SHOWED YOU.
POUR BUTTERMILK IN THERE.
LET'S JUST GO TO THE NEXT THING.
I MEAN, IT'S HOLDING.
IT'S HOLDING.
HEY, JASE.
HEY, JOHN.
HEY, LINDA.
WHAT YOU BOYS DOING UP IN HERE?
WELL, WE'RE ACTUALLY
BUILDING A RESEARCH POND FOR
DUCKS IN THE LOADING DOCK.
WHERE ARE THE TRUCKS
GOING TO UNLOAD?
WE HAVE IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.
IT'S GONNA GET UGLY AROUND HERE.
OH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT.
DID YOU?
UH, IT CROSSED MY MIND.
BUT, I MEAN, I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING
REVOLUTIONARY HERE.
AND SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT WHERE
THE TRUCKS ARE GOING TO PULL IN
AND OUT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL START THIS
OFF WITH "STUDENTS".
REMEMBER WHEN
WE DID THAT BEFORE?
KAY, DO THE VIDEO.
OH.
YEAH, DON'T KEEP SAYING,
"REMEMBER WHEN WE DID THAT?"
WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING HERE.
WE'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR
THREE HOURS WITH THIS COOKING
DVD, AND WE'RE
NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED.
I SAY WE MAKE A COOKING DVD ON
HOW TO NOT MAKE COOKING DVDs.
AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING,
THIS GONNA BE ABOUT 1:00 OR
2:00 IN THE MORNING BEFORE Y'ALL
KNOCK THIS LITTLE BABY OUT.
NO, WE'RE GONNA GET IT.
HELLO?
WILLIE, THE GUYS ARE OUT
THERE, AND THEY'RE FLOODING THE
LOADING DOCK.
YOU NEED TO GET UP HERE.
I'LL BE THERE IN 30 MINUTES.
NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
HEY, THEY'RE FLOODING
THE LOADING DOCK.
WILLIE.
HE'S GONE.
OH, WE GOT A BUNCH OF HAPPY
DUCKS IN THIS LITTLE OLD POND.
I MEAN, DOESN'T IT DO YOUR
HEART GOOD TO BRING THIS MUCH
JOY AND HAPPINESS TO
THE PET-STORE DUCKS?
WHEN I SAW THOSE DUCKS COME
OUT OF THAT CAGE AND INTO THE POND,
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
FULFILLING MOMENTS THAT I'VE
EVER HAD.
YEP, I ACTUALLY
THINK IT'LL WORK, JASE.
OH, IT'LL WORK.
THEY'RE HAPPY.
YEP.
ALL WE NEED IS SOME DUCK CALLS.
THAT'S IT.
WHAT YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I THINK?
THIS IS STUPID.
THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID.
WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.
YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE YOU
FLOODING THE LOADING DOCK?
I FIGURE THEY CAN PULL IN
THAT HATCH RIGHT THERE.
NO!
THIS IS THE LOADING DOCK!
WE HAVE A REAL BUSINESS.
WE SHIP REAL ORDERS.
I'VE BEEN UP FOR,
LIKE, 40 HOURS.
I'M DOWN THERE
MAKING A STUPID DVD.
AND I GET BACK HERE, AND I LOOK
AT THIS SH... THE DUMPSTER'S IN
THE WATER.
HOW WE GONNA MOVE THE GARBAGE?
EVERYBODY HERE IS DOING NOTHING.
AND I CAN'T FIRE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE KIN TO ME!
NOW, WILLIE... WELL, HE WAS
JUST HAVING A BAD, BAD WEEK.
YOU KNOW, THE WOES OF RUNNING
A BUSINESS WERE KIND OF PILED UP
ON HIM.
GOT TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE.
EVERYBODY GET BACK IN THERE.
WE'RE DOING OUR JOB.
WE WILL STAY UP HERE ALL
NIGHT TO GET THE ORDER FINISHED.
WHATEVER.
I GOT IT.
LET'S GO TO WORK, BOYS.
DID IT EVEN WORK, ANYWAY?
DID WHAT WORK?
THE STUPID BOOTLEG POND
OUT THERE IN THE LOADING DOCK.
WE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO SEE.
WE WERE AT THE FINISH LINE, AND
YOU PULLED UP GUNS A-BLAZING.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
WE'RE BACK IN HERE.
AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT
SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN, YOU'RE NOT
A LITTLE BIT CURIOUS ON
WHETHER IT WOULD WORK OR NOT.
YOU WANT TO GO FIND
OUT, LITTLE BROTHER?
THIS IS PRETTY COOL.
IT IS.
I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS MY IDEA.
I THINK I TOLD YOU, LIKE, FIVE
YEARS AGO I WANTED TO DO THIS.
NO, IT WAS NOT.
NO, I DID, SERIOUSLY.
IT WAS NOT.
OH, LIKE, FIVE YEARS
AGO, I TOLD YOU THIS IDEA.
FIVE YEARS AGO?
YEAH, I SAID I WANTED
DUCKS AT THE OFFICE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE
GONNA COME UP WITH FIVE YEARS,
IT WAS YOUR IDEA?
NO, I'M TELLING YOU.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT
PUT IT IN YOUR MIND.
PHIL, GET THE TEA.
OH, I'M READY TO EAT.
I NEED THAT RIGHT HERE.
OH, I'LL SIT THEM RIGHT
IN FRONT OF YOU, HONEY.
HE'S COMING.
I GOT ONE MORE BATCH, BUT
THIS OUGHT TO HOLD US FOR
A WHILE.
FATHER, WE THANK YOU FOR
ANOTHER GOOD DAY ON PLANET EARTH.
WE DO THANK YOU FOR THESE GOOD
FISH YOU BLESSED US WITH, AMEN.
All: AMEN.
DIG IN.
NOBODY DRIVES US CRAZY
LIKE OUR OWN FAMILY.
THEY'RE ODD.
THEY PUSH OUR BUTTONS.
THEY'RE THE SOURCE OF OUR
BIGGEST FRUSTRATIONS, BUT ALSO
OUR GREATEST JOY.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS GONNA RUN
SMOOTHLY, AND WE'RE NOT ALWAYS
GONNA AGREE, BUT IN THE
END, WE'RE A FAMILY FIRST AND
A BUSINESS SECOND.