Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Oklahoma - full transcript

EMILY WILSON: It's
the biggest land-run ever.

Kentucky Daisey's like,
"Sha-doink, this is my land."

Wine is a very, uh, high fuck-up quotient.

LAURA STEINEL: Gordo is like,
"I'm entering Earth's atmosphere!"

[MIMICS ROCKETS FIRING]
"Fucking bravo to me!"

- [RATTLING]
- DEREK WATERS: Wait.

MARK GAGLIARDI: Bass Reeves arrested
3,000 men in the line of duty.

And he's like... [MIMICS GUNSHOTS]

- [WATERS LAUGHING]
- GAGLIARDI: I love you.

I'm gonna kiss you on your lips.

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]



MAN 1: I grew up in the middle of bum-fuck
Oklahoma, out in the Panhandle.

We have this great
history of, you know,

the Dust Bowl, and
everything really sucked.

And they were like,
"We're gonna come through this."

Oklahoma, we, like,
we rose to the challenge.

WOMAN 1: We're the melting
pot of the United States.

WOMAN 2: We are the
armpit of the United States.

Or the armpit. Melting pot, armpit...

MAN 2: What we really are
is Texas' weird hat.

- Right.
- I've heard we're Kansas with a boner.

- [MAN LAUGHING]
- Too.

- EMILY WILSON: Do you like white wine?
- Yeah.

- You do?
- I do.

WILSON: Wow, you don't
know any guys that like it.



- Cheers.
- Kentucky Daisey.

- Kentucky Daisey.
- All the way.

[WILSON GIGGLES]

- WATERS: Mmm.
- How are you shooting it?

You seem experienced, fella.

You were, like, had been
a bridesmaid at one point in your life,

- and you had shot some wine.
- Maybe.

Hello. Today we're gonna
talk about Kentucky Daisey,

and the great Oklahoma land-run. [LAUGHS]

[WATERS LAUGHS]

Oh no, I can't.

WATERS: You're fine.

WILSON: So, late 1870s,

Kentucky Daisey is a journalist,

writing all, just, the fluff,
garbage, women pieces.

They're like, "Here's an assignment.

"Why don't you go write
about making corn pie,

"or a pudding article, or whatever. Okay?"

She's like, "Pfft,

"I need a little bit more meaty shit."

- Can I say... I can swear, right?
- WATERS: Mmm-hmm.

WILSON: So, the government has this land.

It's, like, two million acres.

I mean, taken from the poor
Native Americans.

And they're like, "What if we
give it to some crazy pioneers?

"Let them kinda cultivate it for us,

"make some cities, et cetera.

"Let's give the white people a chance."

It's so awful.

We took two million acres!

- Wow.
- It's very sad.

But anyways, God bless America.

[WILSON LAUGHS]

WILSON: So, she hears
about this huge land-run.

April 22nd, noon, land-run,

One hundred and sixty acres for free,

to white people.

So, she is, like, "Hey, journalist, boss.

"What if I went to this land-run,

"and I talked about what girls are wearing

"in terms of petticoats?"

But in her head is, like,

"I'm gonna get a piece
of this land for me."

So, she gets there.

There are 50,000 people

lining the border.

Cannon goes off at noon.

Boom. Everybody's acting buck wild.

Everybody's buck.
They'll trample other people.

Take kids down. They don't care.

So, there's also a train that
goes into the lands as well.

And it's filled with journalists.

Kentucky Daisey's on the train.

She's trying to keep it cool.

But then, it goes up this
incline, so it slows down.

Kentucky Daisey's, like, "Fuck this shit."

She jumps off of a moving train,

over a ditch,

gets to the plot of land that she wants,

pulls a stake out, pop!

Claims the land. Shoots a gun off...

- [GUNSHOT]
- Because, whatever, that's who she is.

"Thus I salute the Ken..."

- What? [LAUGHING]
- What?

The Kentucky Daisey claim.
"Thus I salute the Kentucky Daisey claim!"

[MIMICS GUNFIRE]

She gets the land.

And so, on her little piece of property,

she builds a house and whatever,

but she starts to kinda
get that hunger again.

She's like, "I'm gonna
go to this next land-run,

"and I'm gonna ride a horse in,
like a badass bitch."

Boom! Cannon goes off.

And she does, she rides a horse in.

She's super cool.

And then the horse acts
like a fucking asshole.

Throws her.

Tromps her face with
its little horse hooves...

- WATERS: She what?
- Tromped her face?

What do they do? Trample?

Tramp?

The horse tramped her face?

[LAUGHS] Right?

- Yeah.
- Who cares?

She lost it.

So, she's out. She's unconscious.

She wakes up, she's like, "Where am I?

"By the way, who cares where I am,

"it's land, I'm gonna claim it.

"I don't give a fuck where I am.

"Sha-doink. This is my land."

People next door are like,

"You just got hit in the fucking face.

"You're cray."

Now she's got two plots of land.

That's it, that's it. That's the cap.

So, Kentucky Daisey brought 11 women.

She's like, "Girls, we're gonna
go into these new lands.

"We're gonna give you some
property for yourselves.

"Like, have at it. This is for us.

"This is lady land.

"Let's put up some houses,
establish some lady property.

"Put a hot tub up. Do whatever you want."

These bitches are fucking rifled up.

They're called "Daisey's Amazons"
by The New York Times.

So, they go in there,
here's the crazy part.

You're supposed to go in at noon,

that's the time, but they go in days early,

which is illegal.

That's like a thing.

Those people were called "sooners."

And they hide in a ditch.

So, their whole thing
is like, "Hey, by the way,

"if like a fucking dude
runs up on you tonight,

"shoot him in the throat."

[LAUGHING] Sounds like a blast, but okay.

Kentucky Daisey gets it in
her head that she's like,

"You know what we need?

"Snacks. Supplies."

Food, whatever it was.

"I'll volunteer to get the Fritos."

They're like, "Cool." She goes out.

And the guys in charge
of the land-run are like,

"No, not cool. We're gonna capture you.

"You can't get the land."

"Sorry, you can't go get your Fritos."

- [MOCK WHIMPERING]
- [SNIFFS]

She diverted the attention
that might have been

on these 11 ladies that
were hiding in the ditch.

And they ended up being landowners.

I'm gonna throw up. I'm not!

People underestimate the power of wine.

Wine is a very, uh, high fuck-up quotient.

I agree.

This is two bottles. [LAUGHS]

- [CHUCKLES]
- WILSON: So, anyways,

in 1893, it's the biggest land-run ever.

She gets 36 single broads.

She's like, "Fuck those stereotypes.

"These are my... Hos.

"This is the best."

That's what she said. She was like,

"Fucking blow into these territories,

"and make a bunch of women
in charge of these lands.

"That's everybody's nightmare.

"Fuck yes!"

Thirty-six single women claim the land,

set up houses and schools,

and they built it
themselves. How dare they?

And that land became Oklahoma,

like, the Sooner State.

She's kind of the mother of Oklahoma.

[PISTOL SHOT]

You know, it's not all about pioneers.

It's not all about families.

It could be a fucking single lady,

making it on your own.

- WATERS: Mmm-hmm.
- You know?

Bitches be doing it for themselves.

To Kentucky Daisey.

WATERS: We love you.

We love you.

LAURA STEINEL: So, John Glenn is, like,

"Ten, night, eight, seven..."

Gordo's like, "Let's
just, like, do it, I'm ready."

STEINEL: Have another drink!
Stop being a little bitch, Derek!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN: All right, here we go. Heels.

WATERS: Oh... Oh,
that's right, it's only...

WOMAN: Here we go with the turn.
And stomp!

[CROWD STOMPING]

Derek. [GIGGLING] Come join me.

- WATERS: Where are you?
- In the bushes.

WATERS: What are you doing in the bushes?
Come on out and play.

STEINEL: Have another drink!
Stop being a little bitch, Derek!

[RATTLING]

[STEINEL LAUGHING]

That's good. I like this mustache.

Hi. My name is Laura...

My name is Laura Steinel, and today
we're talking about Gordon Cooper.

The year is 1963.

Gordon Cooper, he's this military
test pilot from Oklahoma.

NASA had just begun.

And so, he was one of seven
astronauts chosen for Project Mercury.

Also, really chill.

He was like, "Please, call me Gordo.

"Don't call me Gordon.

"I'm not that official."

Right? And so, all these space missions
go off without a hitch, and NASA's like,

"We've done really well. Congrats, NASA."

And they're patting themselves on the back.

And Gordo's like, "Guys, I totally get it.

"Like, that's really cool,
like, pats on the back.

"But if you want to send a man to the moon,

"you should maybe see if someone could

"be in space for, I don't know, 24 hours."

And NASA's like, "Ugh, yeah, I guess, Gus.

"Yeah, sure, Gus."

- WATERS: Gordo.
- STEINEL: Oh, shit.

Sorry! I'm an idiot.

- WATERS: It's okay. You're fine.
- STEINEL: All right...

So, Gordo goes on the launch pad.

NASA'd be like, "Hey,
just like, really quick.

"Like, don't touch anything."

NASA would completely control everything.

It was so bad that the
astronauts felt like, um...

- Spam in a can.
- [CHUCKLES]

It's what they referred to themselves as.

So, anyway, he launches
into space and it's like,

"Three, two, one, blast off."

[MIMICS ROCKETS FIRING]

[STEINEL INHALES]

[MIMICS ROCKET FIRING]

Are you shooting that?

Okay, good. He gets up into
space and everything's cool.

He's like, "I'm orbiting the fucking Earth.

- "Oh, I'm sorry, over."
- WATERS: You can swear.

STEINEL: No, my mom, I try not...

I'm not... I'm gonna try not to swear.

So, he's in space.

He sends back the first TV
images of a human, back to Earth.

He has a little powdered roast beef dinner.

He's just having a ball.

So, he takes a nap.

The first guy to ever sleep in space.

He wakes up and he's like,
"It's good to be Gordo."

And then, he's like,
"Oh, shit. No, it's not."

Because... [MIMICS BEEPING]

"Oh, shit...

"I have no stabilization unit."

Everyone on mission
control is freaking out.

They're like, "Oh, God.

"This doesn't look good."

And Gus Grissom is like, "Bro, I love you.

"I'm gonna tell your wife you're a hero."

Gordo's like, "No, stop it.

"I'm gonna take control
over the spaceship."

Gus is like, "You're
about to do something...

None that... No one
has ever done before."

And Gordo's like, "Yeah, no, I know.

"So, just shut the fuck up, Gus.

"I've got control."

And he starts to take over manual control.

But, at that moment, he loses
radio signal with Gus Grissom.

And so, he gets a radio signal
over to his friend, John Glenn,

who's on the recovery boat over in Japan.

And he's like, "John Glenn.
Hey. It's me, Gordo.

"Um, I have absolutely no
power in my spacecraft.

"And I just wanna get back home, because
I'm a really chill guy. It's me, Gordo."

And he's like, "Okay,
here's what we're gonna do."

And so, together they
go through this checklist.

"Uh, put this thing up."

Like, "Press this button."

There's all these things he needs to do.

But then Gordo's like, "Oh, shit."

[MIMICS BEEPING]
His carbon dioxide meter's going off.

And it's like,
[MIMICS BEEPING] "You're fucked."

And he's like, "Oh, my God,
you're right. I'm totally fucking fucked."

But, no, but he's chiller than that.

No, hold on. He's way calmer than that.

"John Glenn, look, my carbon
dioxide meter's going off and, uh,

"it's like 100 degrees in my cabin."

Which means he's fucking dying.

But he's not being a
Debbie Downer about it.

And he's like, "I need to get to Earth."

But, like, manual re-entry
had never been done before.

So, if he enters Earth's
atmosphere too steep,

he's gonna blow up.

So, he says, "Okay. There's the Big Dipper.
There's the Little Dipper.

"Gemini..."

He draws an axis on the window,

and uses the constellations
as his constant.

And he says, "This is going to be my angle

"at which I can enter Earth's atmosphere."

Which I think is pretty incredible.

So, John Glenn is like, "Okay.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six..."

Gordo's like, "Let's
just, like, do it, I'm ready."

So, he fires, uh...

[GRUNTING]

Uh, what does this mean?

[LAUGHING]

[WATERS LAUGHING]

What's it called when there's
fire coming out of stuff?

What? When it's like a fire...

[GROANS]

[LAUGHS]

He fires the rockets.

[MIMICS ROCKETS FIRING]

He had a $5 wristwatch,
and that's what he used

to figure out how long to fire his rockets.

[MIMICS ROCKETS FIRING]

Gordo is like, "I'm entering
Earth's atmosphere!

"Fucking bravo to me!"

[RATTLING]

WATERS: Wait. Oh.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

STEINEL: And he splashes down.

And he has the most
accurate splash-down, ever,

in NASA history.

He's like, so chill.

He's like, "Hey, guys, I made it.

"I'm not surprised. It's me, Gordo.

"Big whoop."

STEINEL: Gordo changed the game.

Great.

He had a $5 wristwatch!

- WATERS: All right, Mark.
- MARK GAGLIARDI: I'm listening.

WATERS: Well, you're gonna do some talking.

Hello.

"I'm Mark Gagliardi."

I'm Mark Gagliardi.

"And today we're gonna talk about..."

Oh, is this really that part of the thing?

Yeah, now you're woken up. Here he comes.

This is how television works, bitches.

- WATERS: Ready?
- GAGLIARDI: Which camera?

Action.

Hi, I'm Mark Gagliardi.

- [GLASS CRASHES]
- Today, we're gonna talk about...

- [WATERS SNORTS]
- Bass Reeves.

[WATERS LAUGHING]

GAGLIARDI: Bass Reeves is born as a slave.

One night,

Bass Reeves and his master

get in an argument over a poker game.

Bass Reeves

punches his owner in the face.

And Bass Reeves thinks to himself,

"Oh, shit, you guys.
I just cold-cocked my boss.

"Listen, let's be honest, my owner.

"This is probably not
gonna be good for me."

So, Bass Reeves hightails it
to the Indian territories of Oklahoma.

So, Bass Reeves winds up
living among the Seminole nation,

learning the language of all
of these indigenous peoples.

And trained in the ways of
Native American tracking and hunting.

WATERS: Hmm. Awesome.

GAGLIARDI: Ah, I appreciate you, Derek.

- GAGLIARDI: I love you.
- I love you.

GAGLIARDI: You're... Listen. I'm...

We're gonna make a baby.

- GAGLIARDI: Um...
- [BOTH LAUGH]

I may be aimed down at the ground for the
whole of this, but don't worry about that.

GAGLIARDI: In 1875, the US is changing.

Taming the Wild West
and all that kinda shit.

US Marshal James Fagan knew
that this was dangerous work.

He needed the guy that

full on Dances With Wolves-ed in that area.

- [WATERS LAUGHING]
- GAGLIARDI: So, Fagan goes to Reeves,

"Hey, I have 75,000 square miles to cover

"to bring bad guys to justice."

And Bass Reeves said,

"Listen, I'm ambidextrous,

"I can shoot a gun with both hands.

"I'm 6'2", and 390 pounds...

"I'm gonna be the guy that keeps you safe.

"The only thing I can say to you is..."

I'm gonna tape a... Take a nap. Fuck you.

WATERS: ♪ There he goes, on the floor ♪

- Derek?
- Mmm-hmm?

Take my hand.

WATERS: I got you.

GAGLIARDI: All right. So...

GAGLIARDI: So, Bass Reeves is
working as a US Marshal,

picking up bad guys.

So, one of the bad-guy
things that he does is

he dresses himself up as an old beggar

at the homestead of
a couple of bad guys' mother.

He says, "I'm just a poor old beggar.

"I just need a place
to stay for the night."

So, she gives Bass Reeves
a place to spend the night.

As soon as the two outlaws fell asleep,

Bass Reeves pulled down his shawl,

grabbed his six-shooter.

He says, "The Bass..." Hold on.

"I'm gonna corner their dumb
asses while they're sleeping.

"I'll sleep you...

"I will sleep-clack you
into my handcuffs, bitches!

"And I'm gonna grag you...

"I'm gonna grag you..." Hold on.

"I'm gonna drag your asses in jail,

"where I gathered up all the criminals."

- WATERS: That's pretty badass.
- Listen, motherfucker...

- I'll tell you this whole story, hold on.
- [WATERS SNORTS]

This is how big a badass Bass Reeves is.

The Brunter brothers,
another group of outlaws,

ambushed him at gunpoint.

Bass Reeves kept his cool,

turned to the first
Brunter brother, and said,

"I'm sorry, do you know
what the date is today?"

And as that brother
was trying to figure out

the date for the day,

Bass Reeves shoots the first two brothers,

and then cold-cocked the other brother,

and carried them back
to the court at Fort Lewis.

And they're like, "You know what?

"Fuck you, Bass Reeves!

"Fuck you, and your knowing
what's right and wrong!

"Fuck you, honest...

"Honest Jack Reeves!

"Fuck you, Bass Reeves,

"and your wanting to give
the honesty to the people!"

- Mark.
- I love you.

[WATERS LAUGHING]

I love you.

I'm gonna kiss you on your lips.

- GAGLIARDI: Derek Waters.
- WATERS: No.

GAGLIARDI: I'm gonna kiss you on your lips.

GAGLIARDI: I just wanna hold your face.

Will you finish the story if I do this?

I promise. I will.

- Promise?
- I'm...

No slapping.

I'm not gonna slap you, Derek.

What are you gonna do?

Derek. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

That was very nice.

I'm gonna take a nap now.

- Nope. You promised...
- Nope. I'm gonna take a nap.

- If you could touch my face...
- I'll touch your face.

- You were gonna finish the fucking story.
- I'm gonna finish it, hold on.

GAGLIARDI: So, uh, one night,

Bass Reeves is chasing
after a dude, Jim Webb.

He'd killed a ton of
dudes, and Bass Reeves...

[MIMICS GUNSHOTS]

Shot down this dude.

And this guy is laying
there, on the ground,

looks up at Bass Reeves, and he says,

"Bass, this bullet that
is designed for you...

"Nah, man.

"I want this bullet to be designed

"for people that fuck you up."

That guy, Jim Webb, gave that gun
to Bass Reeves because he respects him.

Derek.

Shh. Tell the story.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Bass Reeves threw more men in jail
than any other Marshal in US history.

Three thousand men.

And when he died, his funeral was attended

by hundreds of people.

White...

Black...

Native American...

And whatever the other
thing was that they had.

And they all went to pay their respects,

to this, the most important man,

of the wild frontier. You know what?

Reeves was the inspiration
for The Lone Ranger.

How come more people don't know that Bass
Reeves is who inspired The Lone Ranger?

Because he's black.

- That's sad.
- Yeah.

Well, we're changing history now.

- [KISSING]
- I love you.

[GAGLIARDI MUMBLING]

Right.

[GAGLIARDI MUMBLING]

[GAGLIARDI MUMBLING]

And then what happens?

GAGLIARDI: Mmm-hmm.