Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Games - full transcript

Milton Bradley's like,

"Hey, everybody, I got this new game.
It's, like, American.

"It's, like, fucking cool."

Ugh!

We're gonna ban
fucking pinball, dude.

Because pinball is a game of chance.

Jeez.

Bobby Fischer would be like,

It's like, blah!

We've been playing games
as long as we've been telling stories,

and even before we were writing
like, writing, literally scrawling things,



we were playing games.

You can kind of escape
when you play the game.

You're in that world.
You're not in your world.

How many E3s is this for you?

First E3. Virgin.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

This place kinda gives me a panic attack.

Are you drunk right now?

No, I just... God just
made me look like this.

Let the games begin!

The name of the game is
"Water or Vodka?"

Is it water or is it vodka?

- Okay, three red.
- Three.

That was vodka.



Now you spin. I drop.

- 16 red.
- There it is.

You can't not tell!

- Hmm?
- You have to say!

- What?
- Which one are you drinking?

That one.

I'm so mad at you!

I hate you.

Nice to see you.

Ugh!

Hello, today we're gonna talk
about Milton Bradley.

All right, so it's 1860,

and this 24-year-old guy
named Milton Bradley

has this lithography business,

and his lithograph that he's selling
is of Abraham Lincoln.

But at this time,
Abraham Lincoln doesn't have a beard.

He's a shaved beast.

And Milton Bradley's like,
"This is a good one to make,

""cause people will want it."

So they're selling like hotcakes.
Everyone loves 'em.

And then this little girl, Grace Bedell,

writes to Abraham Lincoln and she says,

"If I were a woman, I would vote for..."

Wait, no, she says,

"if I were a man, I would vote for you.

"But I'm a girl, and what you need to do

"is you need to grow a beard,
because women love whiskers.

"So, if women tell their husband
that they like you, to vote for you,

"you'll get more votes
if you have a beard."

So Abraham, like, gets this letter,

and he's like, "Notice anything
different about me?

"I got a beard, baby. Isn't that cute?"

So, everyone in the whole country
gets newspapers with drawings of Lincoln,

and he's got a beard.

And they're like, I bought this lithograph

for, like, a bunch of money,
and it's a joke now

because he's got a blank face,
he's got a shaved face.

And Milton Bradley's like,
"I've spent all my ink

"on all these garbage lithographs."

So he burns them all,
and he's completely done for.

So, he's like, "I have
this lithograph machine.

"It's, like, this big hunk of junk.
I don't even have a good picture to print.

"What am I gonna do?"

So, he goes to hang out with
his best friend, George Tapley,

and they're playing
this, like, Puritan game.

It's, like, really boring.

So, he realized during the game,

"I could make a game better than this.

"I could come up with a game

"that people who aren't
all Puritan-minded would enjoy."

And he calls his game
The Checkered Game of Life.

The Checkered Game of Life!

And George was like, "A new game to play."

Like, they didn't have anything else
to entertain themselves, you know?

And Milton Bradley's like,

"Every other square
has, like, a thing on it.

"You know, and the goal is to reach
the ripe old age of 50.

"And the not goal is to reach ruin

"and have complete
destruction in your life."

And in the middle, there was suicide.

Well, good night.

So he goes to New York with the game,

and he's like,
"Hey, everybody, I got this new game.

"It's, like, American.
It's not just Puritan.

"It's, like, fucking cool."

And everyone's buying it.

He sells 40,000 copies in one weekend.

And then he's dumb because
The Civil War happened,

like, the next day.

Everyone's like, "We're only doing war.

"We don't, we don't play games."

And then because he's so smart,
Milton Bradley's like,

"Soldiers have a lot of downtime.

"I'm gonna make these games really tiny
so soldiers can have them in their pocket,

"and then the second they're bored,
they can play it."

And so he takes the game,

and he squishes it into, like, small.

And on this board,
you can play checkers and chess

and backgammon and
The Checkered Game of Life.

And all these charities were like,
"We're gonna buy these for a dollar,

"and we're gonna give them to soldiers,

"and the soldiers will
have something to do."

And all the soldiers were like,

"This is so cool, like
someone thought of us.

"And they would play
the game in their downtime."

That must have been nice.

It was really fun for
them, and they were like,

"We're so happy we have a thing to do.

"It's not just look at each other
while we wait to shoot somebody."

Milton Bradley's like,
"Yes, I came up with a cool idea again."

Everyone likes it.

And so the war ends, and everyone was like,

"We have time now, we can play games.

"We want more games."

So, he starts printing out
The Checkered Game of Life.

And he made other games,
and he was selling them,

and they were really popular.

And then Milton Bradley started

the Milton Bradley Company,
and they make all the games.

I mean, like, Candy Land,
Jenga, Guess Who?,

Battleship, Twister.

And board games are still 18x18 inches,

because that's the size of the cardboard

that fit into the lithograph machine,
and we're all comfortable with it.

And 100%, none of it would have happened
if Abraham Lincoln didn't grow a beard.

Now is this where your mind explodes?

Yeah. I lost my virginity on a Twister mat.

Penis, blue.

Vagina, yellow.

Makes green.

Yeah, pinball was
illegal, but Roger Sharpe,

he's one of the best in the world.

He's like, "I will show you motherfuckers
that this is a game of skill."

I'm fucked up.

We should do a shot, right?

All right, let's cheers to...

We haven't been drunk
together in a long time.

This is very nice.

What the fuck?

Come on, man!

That's what makes a good friend.

How many people can
I just slap in the face?

Yeah, that's what makes
a good friend for Derek.

How many of his friends
can he slap in the face?

Only one.

Really?

Well, that makes me feel good.

Hello.

Today we're gonna talk about
the prohibition of pinball.

Cheers.

So, 1942,

Fiorello Henry La Guardia,
mayor of New York, goes,

"You know what, this pinball thing is evil.

"We're gonna ban fucking pinball, dude.

"Knocking a ball around.
You know, just it's a game.

- "We're gonna ban it."
- "Why pinball?"

"Because pinball is a game of chance."

- It's a fucking game, dude.
- Yeah.

All right, so, the New York police
start raiding restaurants.

"Oh, you got a pinball machine here.

"So, it's okay if we fuck it up."

The New York Police Department
confiscated the pinball machines.

La Guardia smashed them,

and then pushed them into the Hudson River.

A lot of smaller cities around America
would follow what New York did.

So all around America,
yeah, pinball is illegal.

Cut to decades later in the early '70s,

there's this guy Roger Sharpe.

Roger Sharpe is this writer.

But what he does in his off time
is he plays pinball.

But he has to do it, like, under the radar,

because pinball is still illegal.

You know, Roger Sharpe,
he's one of the best in the world.

He's like, "Hey, I'm good at this.

"I know how to make this pinball move,
and it's not chance, it's not gambling."

So, in the mist...

In the, in the midst...

In the midst, mist, mist...

Mid.

Midst. Is there a D in there?

- Midst, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

- I'm serious. Midst?
- Mmm-hmm.

In the midst of all this,

The American
Music & Amusement Association,

which is kind of like

The Pinball Manufacturers
of America, was like,

"All right, look, pinball
was declared illegal, right?

"That's crazy. That's fucking crazy.

"We have to do something.
We have to save our industry."

Jeez.

So, the American
Music and Music Association

call Roger Sharpe and they're like,
"Hey, we're fucked here.

"You've gotta help us out."

And he goes,
"Okay, I gotta do what I gotta do."

So, they bring Roger Sharpe
in front of the New York City Council

to try to get pinball legalized.

The news media is
there. This is a big deal.

This is 1976.

I'm fucked up.

So there's kinda like
this moment where he's like,

"You know what, look,

"if I'm good enough at pinball,
I can succeed at pinball.

"I'm not just... This isn't just gambling.
This is like, you know, I'm having fun.

"This is... This is a game of skill."

Does that make sense?

Jeez.

All right, so Roger Sharpe

steps up to the El Dorado machine.

He's playing on it. He's just,
you know, banging the ball around

on this El Dorado machine.

But then there's one prick

on the fucking board
of the city council who's like,

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"You guys are trying to pull a fast one.

"This machine is probably set up
so he could try to impress us.

"I want him to play the backup machine,
which is Bank Shot."

Now, Roger Sharpe had
never played that other machine.

He'd never even, like,
not even one quarter.

He had never played it.

But he's like, "I'll play it."

"I'll play Bank... Bank Shot?

"But I will show you motherfuckers
that this is a game of skill."

Roger Sharpe goes over
to the Bank Shot machine.

He plays it for a few minutes,
and he's, like, mastering it, right?

He's, you know, batting the ball around.

Still, nobody's impressed.
They're like, "Eh, whatever."

He looks at everybody in the city council

and no shit, straight
out of Babe Ruth's book,

he goes, "Listen up,
I'm gonna call my shot.

"See the ball?

"I'm gonna pull this plunger back
a certain distance,

"I'm gonna launch the ball,

"and that ball is gonna
go into that center slot."

Everyone's like, "Yeah, whatever."

So the pressure is on
this dude's shoulders.

He pulls back the plunger
just enough, lets it go,

and the pinball goes up the playfield

and lands right in that middle slot
where he says it was gonna go.

Right at that moment,

one of the councilmen
just grabbed his gavel,

smacked the, smacked the, you know...

Whatever he smacks and goes,

"Pinball is now legal."

Across America, all the cities
who just kowtowed

to whatever New York did were like,

"Yeah, okay, pinball is legal
and blah, blah, blah, blah."

So, it really did all come down
to that one called shot.

This is not a guy that's regularly...

Regulated to the anals of history.

Roger Sharpe was a dude
who was asked to show off his skills

in order to save an entire industry,
which he did.

Two balls!

Nine ball.

This is sad.

All right, I'm gonna shoot it from here

- The four ball!
- To the middle.

Ready?

- Wow.
- I called it, dude.

Roger Sharpe. Games.

What would we do without games?

We'd actually have to communicate.

I think virtual reality

will be the biggest
thing starting next year.

Okay.

You can step into the device.

Your body will be completely tracked. Okay?

Can you do this move, like...

Wait, now I can't... Is anybody around me?

This is how you walk

when you're trying
not to shit in your pants.

- Stay on the path.
- I'm trying.

My life!

Let's cheers to Bobby Fischer, yeah?

Here's to Bobby B.

- F.
- Check.

Mate.

Hello.

I'm Rich Fulcher,

and today we're gonna talk
about Bobby Fischer,

king of the chess people.

It's 1972.

Bobby Fischer is, like, 29 years old,

and at the time, he had won
the U.S. Open Championship

and was an international grandmaster.

But he wasn't just a normal chess player.

He was going,
"Put, put, put, put, put, check!"

"Woot, woot, woot, checkmate!"

That was when he felt
most comfortable in life.

And yet, Russia had won
the World Championship

for the last 24 years.

Like, Russia, Russia, Russia, Russia,

Can... Russia!

And Russia used that
as sort of a PR campaign,

like, "We are the kings.
We are not only communists,

"but we are the intellectuals of the world
because we do chess."

The World Championships are in Iceland,

and Boris Spassky, backed
by the Russian government,

was like, "Bobby Fischer
is too young and inexperienced

"for someone like me,

"the World Champion."

Here's the thing, Fischer hated Russians,

and he called them filthy pigs.

So it was much more
than just a chess match.

The Cold War is happening.

Life Magazine called it
the match of the century,

and in the retrospect it was,

because it was the match of the century.

And then Fischer didn't show up.

He was still in, uh, New York, and he said,

"I don't want to play in this match
'cause it's not enough prize money.

"It's not enough!"

He was all talk.

He wasn't, like, ready to perform

for, like, magic people.

But he gets a phone call

from Henry fucking Kissinger,
the Secretary of State, and he said,

"Uh...

"Hi, this is Ken...

"This is Henry Kissinger

"saying that you need to get
your butt over to Iceland now."

So he finally shows up in Iceland,

and Spassky's like,
"Fine, great, let's get started."

But Fischer was like,
"There's too many cameras.

"There's, uh, the audience is too close.

"The chess board is too shiny.

"The lights are shiny."

But Fischer finally agreed to play,

and in America it was shown on bars

throughout the country.

So you would go into a bar,

you'd see chess and not the New York Mets,

not the Klondike...

Bars.

But what would you do for a Klondike?

I would do anything for a Klondike Bar,

except Wikipedia my dingus.

And so, the World Championship

was a best out of 24 match.

The first game was weird

because there's cameras everywhere.

It was like, "They're too close!"

And Fischer made a rookie move,

like, he went and got
an outlier pawn with his bishop,

and Spassky surrounded it with his bishops.

Whoa.

And he lost big time.

The second match came around,
and Spassky was there,

and he goes, "Where is he?"

Fischer was staying in his room and saying,

"I will not go out
unless the cameras change."

And he was thinking that they would do it,

but they didn't.

And then

Fischer forfeits the match.

Harrumph!

That's how they did it.

And he's down two-nothing,

which is pretty fucking bad.

Why is all the ice gone?

- I just want some free flowers.
- Where did all the ice go?

What?

All the ice was put
into the cooler.

Let me tell you about the ice.

You just gotta mix it up!

Jeez.

Here's the thing.

- The thing is...
- Here's the thing.

No, but what the thing is, is, um,

I have a flaming dick disease.

No, I was trying to say
that to be behind two-nothing

is a big deal in these matches.

And then finally for the third game

Fischer said, "Look, let's go
to a back room with no cameras, please."

And Spassky said yes.

Fischer felt comfortable and won.

He won!

The first time he'd ever
beaten Fas... Fassko...

No, Spassky.

Once he won, it just changed.

It's like a turnaround.

It's like a...

It's like a shh...

It's like a... It's like a... Pssh.

It's like a...

Like a...

It happened.

So Fischer won the third game,

the fifth game, the sixth game,

the eighth game, the tenth game.

It was so brilliant,
Spassky actually stood up,

he gave a standing ovation.

"Thank you, thank you."

And after the 13th game,

the Soviets were like, "What do we do?"

They went to the officials and said,

"Bobby Fischer is using electronic devices

"to wane Spassky's energy

"through electronic zappage."

So the Reykjavik police from Iceland

came in and took apart everything.

They took apart Bobby Fischer's chair,

Bobby Fischer's, uh...

Peanuts.

Peanuts.

And they were thinking,
oh, this is gonna fluster Fischer,

because Fischer's very,
you know, tumultuous.

It didn't at all.

He loved it.

And he won after that,

and won and won,

and pretty much after the 21st match,

it became mathematically impossible

for Spassky to win.

And it was like, "Oh my god!

"Fischer wins! Fischer wins!"

And it's, he, he's, like,
the World Chess Champion,

and he's from the U.S.

He walks out in Reykjavik,
there's people everywhere.

He's mobbed.

Fischer was huge,

and he became a Cold War hero,

and he felt like...

"Tell me more, you sucking pig!

"Suck!"

"Suck!"

That's it.

This, I'm no expert, is half the board.

I've never played.
I'm not just saying that.

Uh, queen to bishop, king-4.

Checkmate.

All right, so that's how chess is played.