Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - First Ladies - full transcript

- Grover Cleveland was like,
Frances is, like,

gonna be the main bitch.

Wait, what was I saying?

- Edith fucking Wilson
was like, sit down.

I am in charge now.

Can I get my cheesy bread
I brought?

- Your what?

- Cheesy bread that I brought!

- When the British arrive,
Dolley Madison

was like, I'm just gonna
be checking this shit out.

I'm gonna
take care of everything.



Cheers.

♪♪

- A First Lady is pretty much...

She is... well, obviously,

she is the wife
of the President,

but she's around to...

to kind of, like...

Whatever... hold on.

Let me think.

- First Ladies?
- Yeah.

- Mm.

- A First Lady is
a female ambassador

to the United States of America.

Without a First Lady,
America would be fucked.



Behind every good man is
a ride-or-die kind of bitch,

and America would not thrive

without a ride-or-die
kind of bitch.

You know what I'm saying?

- First Ladies.

- I'm nose-greasing this beer

'cause I cannot deal
with this foam.

- I've never heard
"nose-greasing."

- What?
- I've never heard that term.

- Okay, so you, like,

take the side of your face...
- Okay.

- There's always grease
on your face.

- Of course,
I have a greasy face.

- T-zone.

Okay, so then you take it,

and you just, like, kind of...

- Then I have grease
in my drink.

- Yeah, which is, like...
Means you can drink it sooner.

Hello.

Today we're talking
about Frances Cleveland,

wife of Grover Cleveland.

So, like, basically
Grover Cleveland

gets elected President,

and he was just, like,
a fat, lonely man

living alone
in that White House.

He was like, okay,
I'm in a very unique situation.

I'm not married,
and, like, I need a chick

that's going to, like,
be the First Lady.

Rose Cleveland,
Grover's lesbian sister,

was like, let's invite
the Emma Folsom lady

to a White House something.

So, like, Emma went
to the White House,

and everyone was like, I think
he's gonna marry Emma Folsom.

Like, that's going to be
the way this shakes down.

But then, you know,

Groves, like, kind of
saw Emma's daughter Frances,

beautiful 21-year-old girl,

and he was like,
how can I hit that?

Like, it was romantic,
and, like,

he wound up being like,

let's just you and me
take a little tour

of this White House situation.

So, like, he took her out
to, like, some balcony

that's all like fucking romantic
or whatever,

and he was just like,
look at this.

Like, look at this.

He's like, I live in the most
expensive house in America.

It's fucking fabulous.

So, like,
she, like, looked at it

and was like, this is fabulous.

I could maybe see myself
being the First Lady.

But then Emma Folsom
saw that, like,

Grover was jocking
on her daughter Frances.

Like, she was like, okay, like,

I think you're about to get
with the guy

that I like,
which is, like, bogus.

You just, like,
get out of the country.

So she sends her to Europe
for, like, one year

after her graduation.

But unbeknownst
to her own damn self,

Grover Cleveland wrote Frances,
like, a letter,

and was like, let's get married,

and...

Frances, like, wrote back, like,

yes, I will marry you.

Like, it was one of those,
like...

It was like a Khloe and Lamar

sort of nine-day
wedding situation

where they, like, very quickly
announced their engagement.

Grover was like,
Frances is, like,

gonna be the main bitch.

The press freaked out.

So, like, Grover was like, okay.

Well, I will be fully committed
to a certain woman.

I will be fully committed
to a woman

that's my husband... wife.

Wait, what was I saying?

I didn't eat today.
That's so bad.

- We need to get some food
in you.

- Okay, wait.
Let's see you.

Oh, honey.
Cute.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

One:
place "frogen" nuggets...

"Frogen."

Okay.

Thank you, thank you.

- What do you think?
- Killing it.

So, like, they did that,

and the press
was, like, hounding.

Like, this was the first time
that some President,

like, married a girl

while he was in the White House.

She was kind of like an it girl.

Like, every time
she was on a magazine cover,

they would move mad units.

It's like her image
was really exploited,

and people were putting her
everywhere...

Everything from, like,
household cleaning products

to, like, small personal items,

like pill boxes, wooden things,

because they felt that,
like, yeah,

this girl will sell shit,

but she was like, whatever.

You guys can, like,
bastardize me

and turn me into all of these
different commercial products.

Actually,
I'm a college-educated woman.

I'm put together, and, like,
people are interested in me

in a way that
they haven't been interested

in other First Ladies,

and I'm gonna, like,
blow that up.

Like, if everyone's gonna be
paying attention to me,

let's make sure
they're paying attention to me

for the right reasons.

And by the way, I would
like to be called Frank.

I mean, you can call me Frances,

or you can call me Frank,
but mostly Frank.

- That's pretty cool...
A girl saying

she wants to be called Frank.

- I mean, that's the thing is,

like, she was a down-ass bitch.

Like, she's like,
every single Saturday,

I'm going to meet with
the working women of Washington,

and there would be
lines forming outside

of the White House.

Frances Cleveland, like,

saw two young girls
eating out of...

Out of a dumpster one day.

She's like, that's not right.

Like, this is not right.

And so she started
a charity called, like,

The Home
for Friendless Colored Girls.

I'm gonna say, like, that's
a brutal name for a charity.

Shh.

Can you be quiet?
Wait one second.

Okay, that's good.

But she had all this shit
going on.

So, like, Grover, he was like,

I don't want my wife,
especially...

A woman shouldn't bother
their head with politics.

But, like, especially
my wife should not

be bothering her head
with politics.

Like, she... Hold on.
Where's my lighter?

Thank you.

She was the one that said
like, yeah, okay.

Like, yeah, okay, Groves.

Like, you're, like...
You're telling me

that I can't have
a political opinion

or you're telling me whatever,

but, like, fuck it.

These are my girls.

Like, I'm gonna
have these people.

I'm gonna shake
all of their hands.

I'm gonna hear their thoughts.

I'm gonna hear their voices.

And she went out of her way
to support women.

Like, she was so charitable,

and she never stopped.

And on her very last day
in the White House,

23,000 people came out
to meet her,

and she was like,

thanks so much.

She's great.
I think she, like...

Honestly, I'm in love with her.

Like, I think she's
the greatest First Lady ever.

- Cheers.

- Cheers to day-drinking.

- Day-drinking.
Mm.

- Edith Wilson was
the first female President.

She was like,
I'm just gonna fucking make

the deci...

Make the "decisiones" myself.

- Do you have
a favorite First Lady?

- I think Michelle Obama
really gets my vote

because she's got
really toned arms.

- To me, when I think
of a First Lady,

I always think of Jackie O.

- I love Hillary Clinton.

- Lady Bird Johnson.

She was beautiful
and fashionable.

- I like the poise
and the charisma

of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Talk about a bitch
that could serve some face.

- I might throw up.

- You think?
- Well, no.

I actually didn't
even drink that much.

Just two bottles, but then...

Before I came,
I had three drinks.

Hello.

Today we're gonna talk
about Edith Wilson,

the first female President
of the United States.

Woodrow Wilson was
the President of... of America.

The United States of America.

Edith fucking Wilson was
the Goddamn President's wife,

so Woodrow Wilson,
he had 18 months left in office,

and he had a fucking stroke.

His doctor was like,

uh, Woodrow Wilson has had
a stroke, a big stroke.

Like, we can't move, y'all,
stroke.

So what you gonna do?

And Edith was like,
well, who I love is this man,

for who he is, and who he is

is a guy who wants
to be President

for some fucking reason.

So if I don't...

Just ignore that.

If I don't... just ignore that.

If I don't help him
be President,

what a kind of wife am I?

The doctor's like, uh...

you got to run
the fucking country

'cause this guy's out
for the count.

So Edith was like, no problem.
I got this.

Shut up.
Sit down.

I am in charge now.

Can I get my cheesy bread
I brought?

- Your what?

- Cheesy bread that I brought!

- Can we finish this part?
- What part?

- The part that we want to do.

I did it bad.

- We're still doing it.

All right.
Well...

- I don't want
the bread anymore.

- So Edith Wilson,
she told America,

Hey, guys.

Excuse me.

My husband, the President...

He's very tired,

and he will be resting.

He's very tired,
so he needs to rest.

And she even went to Congress
and was like,

Hey, no big deal.

I'm giving him everything
you're saying, Congress.

I'm giving him all the letters
and the things.

So what do you guys think
of this rule

or law or thing
that we're working on?

And they'd be like,
whatever, we think this.

And then she'd bring it
to Woodrow, who was like,

half awake,
and she'd be like, all right.

Well, Congress is like,
blah, blah, blah.

And he'd be like...

And she was like,
well, I guess I'll compromise.

I'm just gonna fucking
make the deci...

Make the "decisiones" myself.

So basically, Edith Wilson was
the first female President.

She ran memos
between Congress and him.

Congress is like, all right.

What? What?

What is going on?

So Congress picked this one
Republican Senator Albert Fall.

They're like, Albert, go see
what his true condition is.

Go see
what Wilson's true condition is.

So Albert Fall shows up.

He's like, can we come in
and see the true condition?

She's not fucking stupid.
She's like, yeah, sure.

Come on in.

So Albert Fall comes in.

♪♪

It was like, yep, he's...
This is him.

Making decisions every day,
and not I...

Take the... Thank you, honey.

And I take the...
The papers from him

that I don't understand
'cause I'm just some dumb broad.

And Edith just propped up
Woodrow in bed.

Like, waving, like hey.

And they're like, oh, okay.
Cool.

And she's like, bye.
And then they leave.

That's how dumb government is.

We had a woman fucking running
this country.

And guess what.

You could go,
nothing good happened,

but I can go,
nothing bad happened.

9/11 didn't happen on her watch.

Um, Disneyland with Johnny Depp
at the ani... the ho...

The Haunted Mansion
that's all Tim Burton...

That didn't happen on her watch.

Christmas and Halloween
combined,

a lot of things...

- Basically everyone
at this point is like,

where is the President?

Where is our boss?

Who ever in the name of God
is like,

"Our boss is missing.
We can't wait to get him back"?

Nobody!

Nobody wants to see they boss.

Ow! Ow.

So she literally is like,
I can feel the heat on me.

I know what I'll do.

I'll set up a photo shoot,

'cause they can sense America

breathing down their neck,

and they prop up Woodrow Wilson

in the Oval Office.

So he's, like, sitting there,

and they, like, move his arm,

and then they just release that
to the press,

and that's how dumb
people were back then.

They're like,
oh, there's the President

sitting there,
signing a document.

What the heck
were we worried about?

He seems to be all
at work and shit.

So that's all fine.

That's how she ran the country.

That's a good story.

This is our...

Can I just get back up?
- Watch your head.

Huh?
- Can I just get back up?

- Yeah.

- But it's not on the show.

- What?
- Anything.

When does it start filming?

- British assholes
fucked the White House up.

Washington is like
L.A. Riots times ten.

I don't know what that means.

- I don't either.

- Have you ever heard
of Dolley Madison?

No.

I just thought of Dolly Parton.
Sorry.

And I just envisioned her
as the First Lady,

and that was funny.

- Hello.

I'm Jenny Johnson,

and we're about to talk

about First Lady Dolley Madison,

so buckle up.

- All right, or something.

So Dolley Madison...
The wife to the President

of the United States,
James Madison.

Dolley smoked.
Dolley drank.

Dolley dipped snuff.

Dolley was a big party monster,

and everyone loves her.

At the time, the White House
was under construction,

so Dolley jumps in
with this architect,

and she starts getting drapes,

and she starts
getting paintings,

and she makes the White House,
like, awesome.

I'm gonna take a drink now.

- Yeah. Do it.
- Mm-hmm.

And I put my pinkie out,
so you know I'm a lady.

- I thought that's
what you were doing.

- Mm-hmm.

But then
the War of 1812 happens,

so when Britain...
When they arrived on the shores,

these British guys show up,
and they're like, awesome.

Like, no one's here.

So we'll just drop anchor

and start trashing the place.

While Dolley and James
were in the White House,

they get word that, holy shit,
these guys have landed,

and they're heading this way.

So James Madison's like,
you know what?

I'm gonna get on a horse,
and I'm gonna go there,

and I'm gonna be like,
guess what.

Knock, knock.
President's here.

And she's like,
okay, see you for dinner.

James leaves.

She stays in the White House
while everybody else

in Washington is kind of
being pussies and leaving.

And she's like, holy shit.

James just left on a horse,

and this shit's going down.

Like, I can hear cannons
going off.

I can hear this shit happening.

So Dolley was like,

to show Washington
that I'm not leaving...

Everyone else can be pussies,
and they can leave...

I've got my spyglass,

and I'm just gonna
be checking this shit out.

I'm gonna
take care of everything.

Until this guy,
he knocks on the door

and he's like,
everything's gone to shit.

The hundred guys that
were securing the White House,

they... they're gone,
'cause they're pussies.

You got to get the fuck out.

British assholes
are about to come

take a giant dump on Washington,

and they're gonna fuck
the White House up.

She's like,
I got to pack my shit.

She started taking
the red velvet curtains,

silver serving dishes,

and all the china
from the White House,

but then she's like,
there's this beautiful portrait

of George Washington.

I'm not gonna leave that.

She tells the servants,
get that portrait out of there.

And they took the portrait out,

and one of guys was like,
okay, I'll just,

like, roll it up.

And she's like, no, guys.
We're not rolling it up.

You know, like, this is not...

You know, it's not
a Jimi Hendrix poster.

The British arrive.

You know, they're just like,
burn this shit down.

Like, burn the shit out of it.

Y'all smile and wave at me
real quick.

Okay, I got to Instagram
this shit.

She leaves, but then she's like,
oh, snap.

Declaration of Independence.

So she takes that.

I mean, in, like,
just enough time to get out.

So they trash Washington.

You know, they're just...

They're just really being
assholes.

So Dolley Madison takes
all the important things

that meant something
to this country before she left.

So post-all of this terrible,
you know, burning up shit,

all these people in Congress
were like,

Washington is like
L.A. Riots times ten.

Why don't we just move
to Philadelphia?

Let's take a vote.

And James Madison was like,
great.

This sucks.

Everyone hates me and thinks
that this war was my fault.

And Dolley was like, I know,

but what we need to do is
convince these idiots

that they can't be voting
this way

just because they're scared.

I'm gonna throw some parties,

'cause you know what I do best?

Party.

- I'm gonna pour that in there.

- Ooh, ooh.
- Bloop.

- And then that is
the most ladylike drink

you will ever have in your life.

- Cheers to Dolley.

- To Dolley Madison, y'all.

So she would have these parties
at The Octagon House,

this, like,
tricked-out brick place.

She would work the room,
like, you know what?

I realize that everyone wants
to get out of Washington

because it's burned to shit.

It's not like that.

Like, you're voting
for stupid shit.

Don't remove us from Washington.

The White House is a symbol

of this... you know,
what we... what we are.

Cheers.

Cheers, guys.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Everybody, cheers.

After four months of partying,

they looked at Dolley,
and they were like,

you know what, Dolley?

We just partied for four months,

and you convinced us.

This is where the White House
is gonna be... Washington.

And one day,
maybe Abraham Lincoln...

We don't know who he is
at this point,

but he's gonna do stuff,

and they decided that
at Dolley Madison's parties.

So Dolley rocked the shit
out of America,

and Dolley Madison
was truly our first First Lady,

and people just, like,
fell in love with that term.

And after that,
every wife of a President

was known as the First Lady.

So today, in the White House,

where that portrait
that Dolley saved

of George Washington hangs,

looking directly onto it

is a portrait of Dolley Madison.

She's looking out for G.W.

You know what?
That's pretty awesome.

And, uh, yeah, that's why Dolley
rips... rips this shit up.

I don't know what that means.

- I don't either.
- Okay.

- Bring in the noise.
Bring in the funk.

- Mm-hmm.
- That sound familiar?

- Very.

♪♪

- Threw you off there.