Drunk History (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Chicago - full transcript

- Al Capone, he's got a 95 IQ.
He's not that smart.

He's this big, weird
fucking mook.

We're gonna call you
"Scarface."

No, I want to be called
"Snorky."

- Lincoln's, like, a nerd.

He's an ape!

Awk... awkt... "awksward"!

- Kaboom.
The Haymarket Riot.

[groaning]

Are we going?
- Yep.

[patriotic music]



♪♪

- We walk outside
and we look out on our city

and we see the architecture,
we see everything that happens,

and it's just, like,
a beautiful town.

This is Chicago.
- Yeah.

- It's the city
of broad shoulders.

It's the sports, the food,
the culture, the everything.

There is no fucking city
on Earth

that compares to Chicago.

This is meat-packing country.
The Bulls, The Bears,

and the gangsters, dude!

Do you see the look in my eye?
It's this fucking attitude

that I will spit in your face
and slap the shit out of you.

Chicago!
Fuck you!



- [laughs]

- Oh, yeah.

- Why don't you
do a little refill?

- When I moved to Chicago,
I started, like...

Oh, I went to a place,
the old... The Green Mill,

and you could sit
at Al Capone's booth,

where you could see
both entrances.

And the bartender...
My friend ran a place,

he'd be like,
oh, look behind the bar,

here's tunnels... there's tunnels
where Al Capone used to go.

And it's not so much
that he just

was ruthlessly killed people,

but he was dumb.
- [laughs]

- Hello, today we're gonna talk
about Alphonse Capone,

a hot-doggy-lipped gangster.

[both chuckling]

Al Capone went to Chicago.

We've got more guns
and more guys,

more money, and faster cars.

So it was just like, oh, I guess

we'll just take over the city.

It was, like,
really that simple.

Prohibition delivered
this country to Al Capone,

bound and gagged.

Just the liquor
was so lucrative, you know,

that the money just kept
piling up and... this...

Like, became, like, literally,
like, a billionaire.

Guy with, like, 90 IQ.
Pretty weird.

He was the most powerful man.
Everyone knew it.

Press conferences
would say like,

why aren't you made mayor, Al?

And he'd, like, laugh.

I'd rather just be
in this position.

Why would I be mayor, you know?

So many rules!
It's kind of bullshit.

It was like, they were looking
for a way to take him down,

and, uh, he never claimed
that he had any income.

Herbert Hoover stepped in
and just said, like,

okay, we're finding him guilty,
and here's the story.

George Fucking Nerd is in on it.

His brother was busted
for tax evasion,

and we could get Al Capone
on tax evasion.

Eliot Ness was a "tredsury"...
Treasury agent.

He said, like, George,
you're gonna fucking testify.

He didn't want to do it,
because he was like,

yeah, fuck you.

Al Capone is more powerful
than the government.

This comes down from upstairs.

Okey-dokey.

It was, like,
really that simple, you know?

So, you know,
you got this, like,

hot-doggy-lipped, 90 IQ
fucking weirdo who's just like,

how about we go to them and say,

all right, let's say
I made this much money

over this period of time,
and I'll pay this kind of taxes,

and I'll plea bargain,
and had it negotiated

where he was gonna
do two years in prison.

And then the judge said, like,

We're not gonna
accept your plea,

but we're gonna take part of
your plea that said you earned

this much money
and bust you for taxes,

and... and sentence you
to 11 years in prison.

So it was like,
whoa, what the fuck?

I thought we had a deal here?

They put him away.

That's when they started
giving him like, you know,

medical tests and psych tests
and stuff, and that's...

You know, 'cause really,
they knew nothing about him.

He's got a 95 IQ.
He's not that smart.

He's this big, weird
fucking mook.

Oh, you got a 90 IQ,
but you sure knew who to kill,

and that's pretty smart.
[laughs]

Oh, and he started peeing pus

when he was fucking 18 years old

and he didn't fucking say
anything about it.

[cough]
Syphilis.

[both laughing]

He just ignored pus com...
Coming out of his cock.

[laughs]
I mean, right?

Gah, pus is coming out
of my cock!

What is it?
Nothing.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna stop thinking
about it.

Good idea.
[laughs]

Hey, Al, how about
one penicillin shot?

Nope.
Let's ignore it.

And, you know,
he's afraid of needles,

and syphilis rots his brain.

Soon after, he becomes
a fucking babbling idiot.

Do you know he... his... he wanted
his nickname to be "Snorky"?

[laughs]
I want to be called "Snorky."

We're gonna call you
"Scarface."

No, I want to be called
"Snorky."

But when he got out of jail,

he really quickly
wandered away into, like,

a idiot who would, like,
put a fishing pole

into his, like,
pool in his backyard,

like, hoping to catch fish.
[laughs]

I imagine they just
made comments like,

hey, why is he fishing
in his own pool?

Well, he's a syphilitic moron.

Syphilitic moron?
What's that?

It's a guy who has had
a portion of his brain

eaten away by his own cock pus.

He... he's fucked up.

He's... he's a moron.
He's like a five-year-old.

Wow, because he had sex
with whores and got, like,

a dirty dick and he didn't
do anything about it?

Pretty much.

The most powerful man in,
you know, the country, like,

looking for fake fish in a pool

with a... his bamboo rod.

What... what an idiot.

[laughs]
He had everything, right?

Fuck.

- So, we're sitting
in the Al Capone booth now.

Now...
- This is it.

- This is where
he used to sit, yeah.

It's been reupholstered, though.
- [chuckles]

- And that way,
he could see both doors,

so he always
would sit here and...

And he just threw them
at his mansion in Florida.

You know, he was just,
like, a blabbering fool.

- Really?
- You know what I mean?

That's why you gotta
wear a raincoat, you know?

- [chuckles]
- 'Cause you get the syphilis.

That's no good.
- What's the raincoat do?

- [laughs] Oh, come on.
- Oh, a condom.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

- What do you think?
- Capone didn't wear condoms.

They should make
Al Capone condoms.

- I don't know
if they made them yet.

Did they have 'em back then?

- I don't know, when did con...
When did condoms start?

- Something to do with, uh...

[both laughing]

a goat intestine, like back
in a... you know, years ago,

they'd cut a goat intestine
and tie the end,

and that's what they used.

- Oh, shit.

- Lincoln's, like, a nerd.

And, I mean,
it's not even, like,

a funny sitcom or anything.

Whoa, what's that all about?

What are you doing?

[indistinct crowd chatter]

- And if you ever get
the Illinois state quarter,

that's what's on it... Lincoln.

- What's the name
of the disease he had,

where you're extra tall and sad?

- Elephantitis?
- Marfan's... Marfan's disease.

- We're doing a story
about Abraham Lincoln.

- Oh, he's a good guy.
- He's a... yeah.

Here, let's have our...

Let's grab our drinks,
have a seat.

- Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher,

and today I'm gonna introduce
Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.

You know, this device
called the reaper,

in the 19th century,
people were like...

[guttural noises]

and then McCormick invented
an automatic reaper.

People were like,

this is crazy.

I can't believe this.

John Manny said,

I invented the automatic reaper,

and then that meant there was

a big luso... lu... lawsuit.

I invented the reaper,
you motherfucker.

I invented the reaper,
you motherfucker.

And Manny got
some Philadelphia lawyers

called Harding
and Stanton and Watson

and some other people.

These guys are like,

we've got to, um,
do this with a local guy.

But they didn't know anybody,
and so they hired this guy.

Lincoln was this lawyer, man.

He was, like, a lawyer.

Lincoln answered the door.

Stanton went,
he's like some sort of nerd.

Lincoln's, like, a nerd.

And, I mean,
it's not even, like,

a funny sitcom or anything.

And then this guy, Watson,
looks at him and says,

oh, shit, he doesn't even
have, like, a Watson, or...

He doesn't have a Wat...
A Watson?

He doesn't have a... vest.

Whoa, what's that all about?
What are you doing?

Lincoln was, like,
viewed as persona non grata.

The case changed to Cincinnati.

Stanton and Harding go,

mm-hmm, we don't
need Lincoln anymore.

But Lincoln didn't even know
about any of this shit.

But he would just keep
researching and researching.

Oh, yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup.

I've been just going along
with my own fun.

And he would write.

He would be like,

am I involved
in this case or what?

Finally, he found out
that the case had been moved

to Cincinnati,
and he was like, fuck!

I've gotta go to Cincinnati!

So he went.

Lincoln went up to the hotel
where all the lawyers were,

and Stanton saw Lincoln
coming here... coming up.

Stanton went to Harding,

oh, my God, this guy is a lanky,

gawky, awkward, ape-legged,

ape-I... armed man.

This guy is weird.
This guy is like an ape.

He's got ape arms.

He's got, like,
ape, awkward arms.

This guy is, like,
an ape, awkward guy.

This guy is an ape!

Awk... awkt... "awksward"!

He's like an ape-man.

This guy is like an ape,
awkward man.

Lincoln stayed
for the whole case.

They'd just go on

without even
acknowledging Lincoln.

The legal arguments that
were made and the structure...

Oh, my God.
This is the way to do it.

Like, oh, shit.

It was just, like,
a myriad of wonderment.

I'm... um... um...

Hum, hum, humma,
hum, hum, humma.

Humma... Lincoln!
- [laughs]

- Manny won.

And everything was great.

So Lincoln goes back to Chicago.

Like, I know
what I need to do now.

I'm gonna study my ass off
and get things going.

I'm gonna get my shit in gear

or I'm gonna be
Mr. Shithouse.

And five years later,

he becomes...
the President.

Here's the thing...

Because Stanton was part
of the firm that said,

we're, like, not into you,

Lincoln said,

I'm gonna get Edwin Stanton

to become Secretary of War.

How cool is that?

When Lincoln dies, he says,

now he belongs to the ages.

And Lincoln goes,

fuck, that's great.

- What's the biggest lesson
to learn in this story?

- My...
balls are big.

- Let's not do this,
and a lot of fancy words.

Spies said,
our silence is powerful.

[patriotic music]

♪♪

- No, I'm... I'm... I'm live.
I'm fucking live right now.

- Okay, good.
I just wanted to know, like...

- I'm fucking live... We fin...
We drank all the tequila?

We drank all
the fucking tequila.

- Mm, let's put the knife away.
- Yeah, put that knife away.

I feel like I should
just fucking fight somebody...

- [laughs]
- That wants to...

- You don't need
to fight anybody.

- That wants to dispute things.

- Hey! Kyle!

Okay, now you did drink
that whole bottle.

- Hello.

Today we're gonna talk
about The Haymarket Riot.

Chicago, huge industrial city.

It's, like, the 1880s.

August Spies moved from Germany.

He's worked for a, uh,
German socialist newspaper.

He's like, all right, let's...
We need... we need, uh,

We need better working
conditions, this and that.

They were having a big rally
in front of the McCormick plant.

They mechanized the whole plant,

but the workers,
they're not having it.

They're like, no, fuck this!
This is our skill!

This is what...
This is the union.

So, they're on strike.
August Spies is there.

Aug... aug... uh, Spies.

He... he goes there
and he gives a speech.

He's like,
you'll stick with your union.

Be solid.
You know, ju... just fucking...

be... you know, be together.

Don't go...
crazy or nothing,

but just be with your group.

Be, you know... be... be solid.

They had cops there, of course.
They got cops there.

Well, shit goes wrong.

Some of the striking workers,

they rush the gates
at the McCormick plant.

The cops, they shoot.

They kill a couple
of the strikers.

Spies sees this.

He sees this and he's like,
Oh, this is bullshit.

Let's not do this,
and a lot of fancy words.

Let's op... let's open the door
in case I barf.

No, no, no.

I just fell out of the chair
a little bit.

- Would you like...
I love laying on my floor, too.

Like, don't feel like you've
got to get back in the chair.

- It's a good...
It's a good floor.

- It's a great hardwood floor.

- And, uh, he goes back.

He writes... he writes a protest,
or whatever happened.

The whole thing is, like,
get an eighth hour...

Eight... eight-hour work day.

Okay, just... just get an eighth...
An eight-hour work day,

and it's just undermining it,
because that...

This is what they're doing.

They're trying to fuck with us.

They're trying
to force conflict.

And it just fuck with
the eight-hour work day.

Click-clack, clickety-clack.

So he writes this whole thing.

Give it a headline,
make sure it gets out there.

Well, the guy
who gives it a headline,

it just says, "Revenge."
and he's like,

no, we don't stand for violence!

But it goes out.

Revenge!
And we want eight hours!

Like, no, we're not gonna
take shit anymore.

There's already a labor...

Nobody knows where it came from.

Nobody knew who threw the bomb.

Kaboom.

- [groans]

[moaning]

Ahh...

We gonna fuck around,
or we gonna do

a goddamn TV show?

They're talking, and they're...

And they're speaking
their minds on it.

Even Harrison,
the mayor of Chicago, shows up,

like, I'm here.
I'm not upset about this.

They're speaking their minds.
It's cool.

What about... but...
They're anarchists.

I'm not sug... They're just doing
what they're doing,

and they're not saying
anything terrible.

I'm the mayor.
I said this is cool.

Let 'em... let 'em go.
I'm taking off.

One of the guys is up there.

Guys, guys, hey.

We're getting... we're getting...
We're busting our asses here.

And he invokes
the guys that died

the day before
at the McCormick plant,

and people are getting riled up.

So the police
stepped in and said,

all right, nope, nope.
We're gonna step in.

We need you to disperse

in the name of the Chicago
Police Department.

We need you to get going.

Take a hike.
You're done.

This bomb comes hurling in.

Nobody knows where it came from.

Nobody knew who threw the bomb.

Kaboom.
All in all, chaos.

The Haymarket Riot.

Shots... shots go off.

Eight people die.

[groaning]

Are we going?
- Yep.

Ready when you are, Kyle.
- [groans]

What happens the next day,
it's martial law.

That's what happens.
The next day, it's martial law.

They arrest eight people,
including August Spies.

No... no evidence.

No evidence that
they built bombs.

They arrest them all
under the guise of conspiracy.

Bullshit!

Spies was like,
no, I stand with these guys.

I-I proclaim my innocence,
but I'm standing with everybody.

So, the next editor
of the Chicago Tribune said,

don't hang them.
These are the people

that allow you to be
a millionaire business owner.

Do you want to start a war
with these people?

'Cause once these people
decide to go, "fuck you,"

you're shit out of luck.

Except the guy they got in it,
Marshall fucking Field,

the biggest industrialist
in Chicago at the time.

We should agree
with the labor leaders.

Nope, I don't want to do it.

I will not concede
to these people,

these dirty, long-haired,
filthy fucking anarchist

socialist, garbage,
pieces of people.

Squash labor leaders.
Squash it all.

Hang the bastards!

[vomiting]

Let's be honest.
Let's be honest.

Let's be honest.
- Let's be honest.

- [groans]

Spies said,
our silence is powerful!

More so than your other stuff.

The day will come...

[laughs]

I'm watching it fucking
swish around,

and I'm mad about it.
I got this.

- Dude...
- I got this!

I lit a fragrance candle
for you fucking dicks.

[groaning]

- [retches]

No.
- [groans]

[both vomiting]

- Don't put all your weight
on the pan.

- And now...

we only work eight hours a day.

[sniffs]

[hacking]

- Eight hours a day.
- [coughs]

[patriotic music]

♪♪

- Wow.

You know, this is where
you would get syphilis.

- Oh, that room.
- That was the syphilis room.

- That... that one room, yeah.

- That's where syphilis
was invented, right?

- That's where the who...
Yeah, invented.