Drunk History (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Washington D.C. - full transcript

[patriotic music]

- I'm the deputy director
of the FBI.

I'm gonna look
into this rascal Deep Throat.

- [whispers]
I think I'm gonna vomit.

- Elvis freaks out.

He's gonna regret the day
he stole that jewelry, man.

He... he messed
with the wrong guy.

- John Wilkes Booth is like,

Lincoln?
What does it all mean?

What is he talking about?

Slavery.
I don't even get it.



- [inhales, exhales] Wha...

Where are we?

♪♪

- Um... D.C. is the greatest
place to live on earth.

Um, it's a transient city,
like a stepping stone.

So that brings
a lot of new people in,

but it's also...
Brings people who don't know

what the fuck's going on.

- There's the three branches
of government,

all of these checks
and balances.

Judicial, executive,
legislative.

They all exist
in Washington, D.C.

- Have you been drinking?

- Here's the deal.
I have been.



- Yeah.

- Because that's the part
of the thing

that I gotta do for this show.

Hello.

My name is Matt Gourley.

And tonight, we're gonna
talk about Watergate.

Let's begin.

Washington, D.C.
1970...

1972.

Five Watergate burglars
are arrested

in the Democratic
National Committee headquarters.

What are they doing there?
Why are they breaking in?

The young upstart reporter,
Robert Woodward,

goes to the hearing.

One of them,

when the judge is asking
these five burglars,

who do you work for?

The CIA.

Excuse me, could you say that
a little bit louder?

The CIA.

Robert Woodward
is onto something.

Oh, look
at this sweet little fat guy.

Where do you gotta be right now?

Okay, let's go back in time.

The year is 1970.

A young Robert Woodward,
a lieutenant in the Navy...

He's sitting next
to this older, distinguished man

saying, I'm soon to be out
of the Navy.

What am I gonna do with my life?

Am I gonna become a lawyer
like my father wants?

And this older man
presents himself as a mentor,

saying, so listen to me.

You're working for truth.
Stay with it.

And young Robert Woodward
takes away from this thing,

I can depend on this man.

I can call on this man
at some point

to give me information.

That man is Mark Felt,
deputy director of the FBI.

Let's flash forward
a little bit.

Robert Woodward
and his partner, Carl Bernstein,

decide to call
on his old buddy, Mark Felt,

for information about Watergate.

Felt says, I can't talk to you
on the phone about this.

I'm Mark Felt, and I did
spy times in World War II,

and I know how this works.

You get The New York Times
every day at your door.

At page 20,
I will draw a little clock

that says what hour
I wanna meet you.

And here's the thing.

Any time you wanna meet me,

Mark Felt says, I need something

that I could visually
acknowledge.

Woodward says,
I do have this potted plant

that I keep out on my balcony.

I could move that.

And Mark Felt is like,
here's the thing.

I wanna meet you at
this underground parking garage

in Virginia.

But any time you wanna meet,
leave out the back stairs.

Walk a couple of blocks.
Get in a cab.

Take that cab.
Get out of the cab.

Walk a couple blocks.
Get in another cab.

Get in that cab.
Get out of that cab.

Walk a couple blocks
to the Virginia parking garage

that I previously talked about.

Woodward meets Felt.

And he says...

[gulping]

Hold on.

[whispering]
I think I'm gonna vomit.

[exhales]

[mutters and burps]

[vomiting]

Sorry, pal.

I'm ready to tell the story.

Woodward meets with Mark Felt,

and he says,
could you tell me a little bit

about why these guys
might be connected?

And he says, put the pieces
together, you dumbass!

It's all in front of you.
Do the work!

Just be careful.

Watergate is the tip
of the iceberg.

And when Robert Woodward
took his secret source

to The Washington Post, he said,

my source is deep background.

That means
he cannot be identified.

Their editor
at The Washington Post said,

yeah, you keep calling him
deep background,

but I'm gonna call him
"Deep Throat"...

based on the pornography film
that was very popular,

which dealt with natural ladies,
you know?

And so Woodward and Bernstein
figure out

that this money
connected to these burglars

goes all the way to
the Watergate administration...

To the Nixon administration.

Richard Nixon.
Let's talk about Richard Nixon.

Do you wanna talk
about Richard Nixon?

- I would Io... Yes, please.

- Yeah, I thought you might.

Mark Felt says to Nixon,

I'm the deputy director
of the FBI.

I'm gonna look
into this rascal Deep Throat.

And further,
I'm gonna set myself up

as head of the investigation.

So Nixon's top aide,
Haldeman, says,

I think Mark Felt
is Deep Throat.

And Nixon says,
now, why would he do that?

And when the Watergate hearings
gets to a boiling point,

Nixon is like,

I never knew
of this Watergate break-in

to discover information
about the Democrats.

And after that, he says,
I am not a crook.

Nixon knows he's fucked.

And he says, there's nothing
I can do about it.

Nobody's gonna trust me
at this point.

I gotta step down.

Hand me some cookies.

All I know is I'm eating
cookies, and none of you are.

Do you guys want some cookies?

- No, we like watching you
eat cookies.

- You have no ambition.

The interesting thing
about this take

we're taking on it is all
the stories we know of Watergate

is, who's Deep Throat?

And now we can tell the story
knowing who Deep Throat is.

And in the end,

you can toss aside Richard Nixon
for all his cynicism,

you can toss aside Deep Throat
for all his cynicism,

but you can't toss aside
Robert Woodward,

and to a lesser extent,
Carl Bernstein,

for the truth that they exposed

for America.

Well, we told the story
of Watergate.

There's no way I could
possibly misconstrue it

as not the greatest
journalistic endeavor

ever told.

Robert Woodward would be proud.

- It's beautiful.
They're at the Ford's Theatre.

Until John Wilkes Booth
comes into their box

and shoots Lincoln in the head.

Uhh... fuck!

[mixed chatter]

- Abraham Lincoln is,
like, the best.

Aside from the pro...
The Emancipation Proclamation,

freed the slaves...

Actually, I'm East African.
It doesn't matter.

But he's fucking swag.

Fucking great, Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln is,
like, the best...

16th best president in America.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- History.
Yeah?

- When I drank,
it sounded like a fart.

- [laughs]

- Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk
about John Wilkes Booth

and his brother, Edwin Booth...

The Booth brothers.

Edwin Booth
and John Wilkes Booth

were born to a British actor

named Ju... nius Brutus Booth.

[laughs]

Edwin is a favorite
of their dad.

Junius was so mean,
he wouldn't even let John Wilkes

into photographs with him.

John Wilkes, stay back, man.

Stay away
because you're not cool.

Stop.
You're kind of weird.

You're weirding everybody out.
Just back away.

And he became sad,

which establishes their rivalry.

In 1858, John Wilkes
and Edwin Booth

were the most famous actors
in the world.

Performance-wise,
everyone loved Edwin Booth.

John Wilkes Booth...
He was untrained.

He would knock sets down.
He was so violent.

So when the Civil War broke out,

John Wilkes Booth is like,

Lincoln?
What does it all mean?

What is he talking about?

Slavery.
I don't even get it.

That was the moment
his political aspirations

overtook artistic aspirations.

However, Abraham Lincoln

was requesting
Edwin perform Shakespeare

at government functions.

Am I fucking it up, guys?

What's up, guys?
What... is it fucking it up?

- You're not fucking
anything up, man.

- Okay, okay.
[mumbling]

Okay.
Right, right, right.

At the Ford's Theatre

when John Wilkes Booth
was gesticulating,

Abraham Lincoln's sister-in-law
is like,

I think he's pointing at you,
Abraham.

And Abraham Lincoln is like,

it does seem like
he's pointing at me.

Uh...

this is a little weird.

He should, uh, you know,

not be pointing at me
during this particular line

because it's sort of...
aggressive.

In November 1864,
Edwin Booth is like,

hey, you know,
I wanna get to know you better.

We've had some hard times.

Let's do a play together again,

for one performance only...
Julius Caesar.

John Wilkes' favorite role
was Brutus,

the man that executes a tyrant.

And Edwin Booth is like,
I get to play Brutus.

[orchestral music]

For one performance only,

in the production
of Julius Caesar,

Edwin said,
"Sic semper tyrannis,"

and everyone loves it.

Critics said that it was

the most important show
of all time.

So John Wilkes Booth
started getting involved

with a secret
Confederate society

and had masterminded a plan
to kidnap Lincoln.

Uh...

Mm-mm.

So John Wilkes Booth
went to the Ford's Theatre

to pick up his mail,

and John Ford's brother is like,

hey, are you gonna come see
Our American Cousin tonight?

Our American Cousin?

You guys doing
Our American Cousin tonight?

Yeah.

Abraham Lincoln's gonna be here.

You should come.

And John Wilkes Booth
is like, uh, what?

Abraham Lincoln's gonna be
at the theatre tonight?

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna change my plan
from kidnapping him

to assassinating him.

[laughter]

So Abraham Lincoln's at the play
Our American Cousin

with his wife, Mary Todd.

It's beautiful.

Everything's going perfectly...

until John Wilkes Booth...

comes into their box.

[background chatter]

- Welcome back to Drunk History.

- My dad is a senator.

- Wha... Where are we?

John Wilkes Booth
comes into their box

and shoots Lincoln in the head.

After he shot Lincoln,
he jumped from the balcony,

breaking his ankle.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my... I'm hurting!

- Really?

[laughter]

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

And raising his knife
in the air,

he said,
"T' pluribus... unum."

I don't remember what...

Ah, fuck.

I can't remember
what the fuck it is.

Oh, I wish I could remember.

Wa... Wait, wait!

Sic teramis tempest.

No more tyranny,

you know, basically.

That's John Wilkes Booth.

And he's saying a line
from fucking Julius Caesar.

And he's like,
this is fucking perfect,

and everybody gets
what I'm doing right now.

[melancholy piano music]

After Abraham Lincoln's
assassination...

♪♪

Edwin Booth decides to write
a letter to America

saying, I'm retiring from acting

as a penance
for what my brother did.

His horrifying act.
I'm done.

Five months
after Abraham Lincoln is buried,

Edwin Booth is like, I'm back!

Everybody relax.
I'm doing Our American Cousin.

I know that's the one

that my brother assassinated
Abraham Lincoln during.

[chuckles]
But that's what I'm gonna do.

And everyone loves it.

And he's back,

because he's
kind of egotistical.

No one ever talks
about Edwin Booth.

- [laughing]

[speaking indistinctly]

- Do you guys want me
to put a pizza in the oven?

- And a good day to you, sir.

Oh, dude,
I heard you have absinthe.

- Yeah.
- I've never had it.

Elvis!
- Yeah, man?

- What album do you wanna
listen to right now?

- You pick, man, you pick.
- Well, you...

- Any of those albums
is damn good, man.

Live at Madison Square Garden,
man,

with the fucking thing, man...

with the deal of the...
Of the... of a girl.

Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk
about the day

that the King met Nixon.

My favorite story of all time

is Elvis was out in L.A.,
and they were at a dinner.

And the people he was with
were like,

hey, that guy over there is huge

in the voice-over
animation world.

But he is a federally licensed
narcotics officer.

It's the ultimate badge.
You can do anything with it.

You can pull over any car,
anything in the world.

And Elvis becomes obsessed.

He walks up to the guy,
introduces himself.

The guy shows his badge.
I am the guy.

I can arrest everyone in here
right now.

And suddenly, Elvis is like,
I have to have that badge.

I need that badge.
How can this guy...

If he has a badge...

Mr. Do The Crazy-Funny
Woodcock Voice?

No. I can do it.

It drove him nuts.

Going to Washington.

This badge is fucking happening.

Let's go.

So Elvis had police lights,
would pull people over.

And Elvis is...
The whole way, he's been like,

I'm gonna interrogate his ass.

He's gonna regret the day
he stole that jewelry, man.

[glasses clink]
- Cheers.

Mmm!
That's got a good taste.

That's... that's a lot
to do a shot.

- You're insane!
Whoo!

- Yeah, we should've
just sipped that.

- Whoo!

- Ready?
- Okay, buddy.

Elvis writes a letter to Nixon
while on the plane.

They land, and he drops it off
at the front of the White House.

It was shocking.

No celebrities want
to hang out with Nixon.

So when he reached out,
they're like,

Elvis wants to meet with you.

This can't hurt matters.

Don't you wanna see
what Elvis has to say?

Why not?

He's like, yeah, arrange it.
Yeah, I wanna meet him.

Let's see what's going on.

And Elvis comes in.

And Nixon looks at him like, uh,

this is crazy, man.

You dress really crazy, man.

He's like, hey,
you have your get-up,

I have mine, okay?

Nixon's like,
yeah, I'm glad you came by.

I wanted to meet you.
Uh, good to see you.

And Elvis does
the hard sell thing.

He needs the badge.

Well, I care, man.

I care about what's going on
with these people.

And I care about the hippies

and everything that's
being said right now, man.

It's terrifying.

People that are saying things
about you

and, uh, the people
that are saying things about me.

And that's why I'm happy
to be here... man.

But I need this badge.

This is so big for me.
I need it.

Nixon really takes it in,
kind of asks his aide.

He's like, can we do this?

And the aide comes back, says,
I'm sorry, it's done.

We cannot give this badge.
Sorry, Mr. Presley, we cannot...

You have no qualifications
in our mind to have this badge.

[burps]

Mm.
Sorry, brother.

I'm loving it.

And Nixon decides
to give him this badge.

So Elvis goes back
to get photos taken,

but then Elvis is

a licensed and registered
federal narcotics agent.

So Elvis had police lights,
would pull people over.

You have any idea
how fast you were going?

Another time,
he saw this crazy lunatic guy.

The guy was allowed inside.

And everyone's like,
why is this crazy person

being allowed inside?
This is...

He's like, no, no!
He's all right, man.

He's okay.
He's part of this team.

We're gonna work with him, man.
He's funny.

And then Elvis liked him,
loved him,

and then got tired of him.

So he said he had to go home.

So Elvis was gonna pay
for his flight home.

Come back,
some jewelry's missing.

So they figured out this guy
had stolen some jewelry.

Elvis freaks out.

He's gonna regret the day
he stole that jewelry, man.

He... he messed
with the wrong guy.

The guy was about to take off,

and then he sees Elvis running
next to it in a jumpsuit,

holding a real
federal narcotics badge.

So the plane stops.

They pull the guy out.

Elvis pulled the plane over

to pull this guy off
and interrogate him...

of which Elvis had
a couple random questions.

Where'd you get
the jewelry, man?

And he just cried and said,
I got the jewelry here.

I'm so sorry.

You shouldn't have taken that,
but you're car...

[stammers]
All right.

So we're good, man.

Gives him like 200 bucks

and then buys him
another ticket out.

And, you know, everything's
just a little bit safer

in that part of Memphis.

You feel it?

Hey!
Do you feel it?

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Okay, bye.

[patriotic music]

♪♪

He's funny.

And then Elvis liked him,
loved him,

and then got tired of him.

So he said he had to go home.

So Elvis was gonna pay
for his flight home.

Come back,
some jewelry's missing.

- Crap.
[laughter]