Drop Dead Diva (2009–2014): Season 6, Episode 5 - Cheers & Jeers - full transcript

See that aspiring model there?

That's me... Deb...
until the day I died.

I thought I'd go straight to heaven,

but there was a bit of a mix-up,

and I woke up in someone else's body.

So now I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life, a new wardrobe,

and the only people who really
know what's going on with me

are my girlfriend Stacy
and my guardian angel, Paul.

I used to think everything
happened for a reason.



Whoo!

Now, I sure hope I was right.

Drop Dead Diva 6x05 - Cheers & Jeers
Original air date April 13, 2014

Good morning.

Stacy... are those...

Stella McCartney eco faux riding boots

with sustainable wooden heels?

- Oh, my God!
- Aah!

I know. I feel like
the world's sexiest gazelle.

You look so awesome.

But, you know,
you are gonna be a mom soon.

You can't go on
crazy shopping binges anymore.

I didn't. Paul did.

They look good, huh?



Mm-hmm.

Well, that was very generous.

- Hey, Paul.
- Hm?

Do you understand
what "unpaid intern" means?

For you.

A sumptuous leather two-tone tote

that can hold client files, a tablet,

and a fabulous pair of shoes?

With a satin bow.

Well, you ladies
have been so nice to me,

letting me crash at your house.

Not freaking out when I accidentally

- shredded your tax returns.
- You shredded my...

- I just wanted to show my appreciation.

So please enjoy.

So... you want to
borrow these sexy boots

so Grayson can slide them off you,

or are you two still just kissing?

You know, there is
nothing wrong with kissing.

It can be very romantic and satisfying.

Yeah, if you're 12.

You know what? I'm glad
that Grayson is taking his time

because it will be really special

when it finally happens.

I'm just saying it's time
to take the kissing up a notch.

- Or is that down a notch?
- Mnh.

Oh, my God.

A... a reporter from the "Los Angeles Post"

wants to see me about a story.

That's great, but we were talking about

you and Grayson and s-e-x.

No. You know what? I got to go.

I got to go to work, and
I got to break in my new bag.

Oh, my gosh.

Good morning, Teri.

Teri.

Teri.

Professional cheerleader meltdown video

from last night's
L.A. Breaker basketball game.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay.

Oh! You did that on purpose,
you [Bleep] bitch!

Oh, she's a hot mess.

I love when she shoves her finger

in the blond Barbie doll's face.

And when she stomped her foot,

and she was like,
"you're making me look bad!"

- Wow. That's some drama.
- And I [Bleep] quit!

Hi. Rosemary Mills
with the "Los Angeles Post."

- Oh.
- I'm writing a story

on Chelsea Putnam of the Breaker girls.

I'm here to meet Jane Bingum.

Hi.
I am Jane.

It's really nice to meet you.

Uh, please.

Our house is close to a DWP substation.

Their access road
runs right past our property.

For years,
we've complained to management

about employees speeding on the road...

60, 70 miles an hour.

It's zoned for 30.

I take it your complaints
fell on deaf ears.

Last month, Holly was nearly run down

while riding her bicycle.

Michael saw it happen.

A guy came speeding around the corner.

She jumped out of the way,
and he ran over her bike.

Didn't even stop.

I scraped my knee.

At that point, we decided to
take matters into our own hands.

I... rented a cement mixer,

and Michael and I installed speed bumps.

The cars slowed down, but then
one of the DWP employees

complained to the city,
who removed the bumps.

Then the city sent us a bill
for their cleanup work.

$75,000.

We don't have that kind of money.

Our home has been in the Maxwell family

for three generations,
and now the city's saying

they're gonna take it from us
if we don't pay up.

They can threaten all they want.

We're not gonna let that happen.

I'm really sorry about before.

Uh, my assistant and I...

sometimes act out popular online videos.

You should see her do the grumpy cat.

Anyway, uh, Rosemary,

why exactly did you want to speak to me?

I had tracked down Chelsea
after last night's game,

hoping to write
a human-interest piece on her.

When she told me
what led to her breakdown,

I realized
there was a potential lawsuit.

And we were hoping you'd represent her.

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, would you mind
waiting for us out in the lobby?

Excuse me?

Well, you have to leave,

or attorney/client confidentiality
would be violated.

But I was promised exclusive
access to write my story.

I'd like her to stay.

Okay, well,

I just need you to sign
this confidentiality waver.

- No problem.
- Okay.

Great.

So, in this case, please continue.

Well, I joined
the Breaker girls this season.

I used to watch all the games
with my father,

and I know it probably sounds silly

but cheerleading
is what I always wanted to do.

It doesn't sound silly to me.

For months, I've been
bullied by the squad...

mostly the head cheerleader, Ally Roth.

And since I'm the new girl,

I figured there'd be some hazing, but...

It's been far worse
than I ever imagined.

- How so?
- Well, for starters,

Ally's always harshing on my body.

When I skipped a voluntary practice,

she left me a message promising to...

"Whip my fat ass into shape."

And then, the other day,
I was eating a cookie,

and she grabbed it out of my hand

and shoved it down my pants...

said it was going
straight to my hips anyway.

Oh, my God.

And then there's the name-calling.

She nicknamed me... "Slutface"

and insisted that
the other girls call me that.

They also attacked me on social media,

calling me a ho... stuff like that.

And no one stands up for you.

no, the other girls... they
want to be in Ally's good graces

because she assigns
the personal appearances.

Most people assume that

professional cheerleaders are well-paid.

They only make $100 per game

and nothing for practices.

Wow, I had no idea.

Personal appearances
are the way to make real money.

Chelsea, have you
complained to management?

Yeah, and they said that
if I wasn't happy, I could quit.

Okay. Tell me about last night.

Ally intentionally stepped
on my foot during our routine,

and I... I couldn't take it anymore, so...

I... I lost it.

It's okay.

You know what? Here's the plan.

We're gonna sue the pants
off the Breakers

for allowing Ally and her posse
to be such monsters.

- No.
- No?

I don't want the money.

I just want to make sure
that future cheerleaders

aren't treated like I was.

Can you sue for that?

Yeah. You can.

And we will.

There's nothing that I hate
more than bullies.

Hey.

I was thinking maybe we'd
do a movie night this Friday.

Yeah.

A movie night. Yeah, that sounds fun.

Or maybe...

I'll bring take-out Chinese

and a copy of "It Happened One Night."

It's a date.

Out of my way, intern!
Get Stacy on the phone now!

Sure thing, boss.

Got her.

Grayson's coming over Friday night.

- Oh, that's great.
- No, you don't understand.

He is bringing Chinese food
and "It Happened One Night."

Oh, my God.

That's the same date he planned

the first night he and Deb...

you...

first had s-e-x.

- Yeah.
- I am going to go out right now

and buy you some new candles.

No, no, no way. Forget the candles.

Hit La Perla and
get me their sexiest lingerie.

It's "go" time.

As general counsel of the L.A. Breakers,

I am authorized to offer your client

a $3,000 severance.

Well, goodness.

What does she have to do
in exchange for such largess?

Execute this standard
confidentiality agreement,

- and we...
- No. No, no.

Chelsea has no plans
to sell her silence.

Instead, we demand an immediate change

to the way the Breaker girls operate.

Even if your allegations are true,

the team is not responsible.

Breaker girls are not employees.

They're independent contractors.

The team management exercises control

over all aspects
of Breaker girl performances,

so that means they are employees.

And since Chelsea put you on notice,

the team is liable
for failing to protect her.

Are you threatening to sue us?

Oh, it's not just a threat.
Oh, no, no, no.

See, I plan to depose the entire squad,

and you can bet your little pompoms

that we'll be seeing you in court.

Teri... I got to get out of here.

Oh, no, you are not taking lunch

until you un-jam the photocopier,

replace the empty water cooler,

and catch the rat in the file room.

No, I mean I got to leave
and find a paying job.

The first bill
for my new credit card came.

They want $6,200
by the end of the month.

So that's how you bought Jane
that new briefcase.

Please tell me you understand
how credit cards work.

There was a dude at the mall.

He was offering a free T-shirt
if I signed up for one.

I told him I worked at a law firm.

He said I needed a credit card.

He said I could just buy things
and pay for them later.

I didn't realize
later would come so soon.

- Have you told Jane?
- Absolutely not.

She's constantly accusing me
of being irresponsible.

I can't imagine why.

My only solution
is to quit the internship

and find a paying job as a barista.

Or a surgeon.

Paul, if you left, who do you think

would have to un-jam the copier
and catch the rats?

- You.
- Exactly. So I'm gonna help you.

I will send the credit-card company

a very strongly worded letter
on firm stationery.

Get me the papers that you had to sign,

and I'll try to find a way to scare
them into canceling your debt.

You'd do that for me?

For you? Yeah.

And I hate rats.

Ally, you're the head cheerleader

- for the breaker girls.
- Yes, I am.

And are you aware of Chelsea Putnam's

allegations against you and the team?

Yes. So pathetic.

Her accusations are false.

Julie, have you ever witnessed
any bullying or hazing

or harassment while being
a part of the Breaker girls?

No. Behavior like that would
not be tolerated by the squad.

Were you ever told to
call Chelsea derogatory names?

No. And I always told her
she had nice hair.

Do you recall Ally Roth

shoving a cookie
down Chelsea Putnam's pants?

- No. Of course not.
- Never.

- Why would she lie?
- I have no idea.

Lisa, were you ever encouraged
to be cruel to Chelsea Putnam?

- No.- No.
- The girl needs help.

Did you ever hear Ally say
demeaning comments to Chelsea?

- No.
- Absolutely not.

Tell me about the night
Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot.

Stuff like that happens
in routines. It was an accident.

Chelsea's a sweet girl,

but sometimes she can be too sensitive.

Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell

are good samaritans...
they're not vandals.

They were just trying to protect their
children from speeding traffic.

I mean, can't the city just chalk it up

as a misunderstanding
and forget the 75 grand?

I'm sorry, Owen, but, in this case,

the city Attorney's Office
doesn't have that discretion.

Oh, come on. There's always
a deal to be made.

Well, I probably shouldn't say anything,

but it turns out that
a general manager at the DWP

is good buddies with the mayor,

and he was driving his sports car,

hit one of those speed bumps,

blew out two tires, and bent his rims.

And he got the mayor to pressure

your boss to go after our clients?

Yeah, but, uh,
you didn't hear that from me.

Under the doctrine of necessity,

my clients built speed bumps

to avert an accident on an unsafe road.

They cannot be held liable for repairs,

and the lien against their house
should be voided.

You do know that traffic control

is the sole responsibility
of government.

Imagine the chaos that would
ensue if we allowed people

to determine what a safe speed limit was

or where it was okay
to make a left turn.

You guys want to go to court
and argue necessity,

go ahead,
but you know you're gonna lose.

Thank you so much for meeting me.

- Oh, sure.
- I thought it would be nice

to get to know you better for the story.

Oh, well, I'm an open book.

And I wanted to thank you
for bringing me this case.

Of course.

How did the depositions go today?

The cheerleaders closed ranks,
and they gave me nothing.

So...

uh, u-uh, hold on one second. Sir.

Sir, can you turn the volume up
on the TV, please?

...to be the new face
of the anti-bullying movement?

Well, I think my story proves that

bullies come in all shapes and sizes

and that their actions
should not be tolerated.

Did you know Chelsea was going on TV?

- No, I did not.
- I hear there's some interest

in your life rights for a book or movie.

Well, that's flattering.

Um, but I just want to focus on

changing the culture of harassment

within the Breaker girls.

Thank you, Chelsea, and good luck.

I thought I had an exclusive.

But I guess I can't blame her...

thanks to her televised breakdown,

her story's gone national.

Anyway, back to the case.

Without the supporting testimony
of the cheerleaders,

what can you do?

Oh, well, you know, I can
always look outside the box.

What do you mean?

The current crop of cheerleaders...

they have a lot to lose if they testify.

So you're looking for
a former cheerleader...

perhaps someone
with a gripe against the team.

Perhaps.

You already have a witness, don't you?

Well...

Okay, off the record,
her name is Barbara Watson.

She is an ex-L.A. Breaker girl
who runs this blog...

very critical of the squad.

Mm. When do I get to meet her?

Tomorrow in court.
She's my surprise witness.

See, that way, we can avoid

having the Breakers
depose her beforehand.

I am very impressed.

Oh, well, thank you.

To looking outside the box.

Mm.

Hello, sweetie.

Do my lips look more kissable

in cherry red, flamingo pink,
or voilà violet?

Are you on lipster again?

My date has to go perfectly
with Grayson,

and I plan to lead with my lips.

Mm.

Jane, I have bad news.

Uh, Stace, got to go.

Your surprise witness just called to say

she accepted an offer from the Breakers

to serve as their international
goodwill ambassador.

She's on a plane to Tokyo and
isn't coming back until August.

The team must have figured out
I was calling her to the stand.

I think I know how.

Rosemary Mills just published an article

saying that Chelsea's legal team
was calling a surprise witness.

"She's described as"

"a disgruntled former Breaker girl"

"with an active online presence."

She doesn't say Barbara's name, but...

she might as well have printed
her address and phone number.

I'm gonna kill Rosemary Mills.

Excuse me.

A Rosemary Mills is here.

She says you're going to court together.

Put her in the conference room, please.

Okay.

How dare you print something
told to you in confidence?

I never gave the witness's name.

Do you think their
general counsel is an idiot?

You described Barbara in detail,

and they've offered her a bribe
to prevent her from testifying.

Can't you just use the blog?

No, it is hearsay.

Without Barbara to authenticate
it, we'll never get it in.

And since she wasn't
on our official witness list,

we can't even charge the
Breakers with witness tampering.

I'm sorry.

Oh, really? Are you sorry?

Or was this your way
to get back at Chelsea

for spoiling your exclusive
by doing that TV interview?

I would never do that.

You just did.

You know what?

You stay away from Chelsea
and stay away from me.

Teri. I found this letter
jammed in the copier.

Paper jams are Paul's responsibility.

The letter is on firm stationery

and addressed to Metropolitan Credit,

signed by a lawyer
named "Cassandra Muffintop."

By any chance, are you Ms. Muffintop?

No.

Yes.

Please tell me
you haven't sent this letter.

Not only is it illegal to
impersonate a member of the bar,

but if our malpractice carrier
found out that a non-lawyer

was giving legal counsel,
they'd cancel our policy.

No insurance, no firm.

Of course I haven't sent it.

Great. Please shred it.

- Paul.
- Yeah?

- Have you sent that letter yet?
- About an hour ago.

Oh, damn it. Do me a favor.

Don't tell anyone
that I'm helping you out, okay?

Not a problem.

We spoke with the city attorney,

and, unfortunately,
the law is not on our side.

I'm... very sorry.

We don't have 75 grand
to pay off the lien.

What about a second mortgage?

No bank is gonna loan us money

with a government lien on our property.

I can't believe this can happen
in the United States of America.

What if you weren't
in the United States of America?

We can save our house by moving?

No, no, no, no. Not moving... seceding.

Government entities can seize property

within American borders,
not outside of them.

I... if you become your own
country, they can't touch you.

I'm not sure I follow.

Neither do I. Owen, can I talk to you?

I'm saying that we're going to
relocate your house, legally speaking.

As of today, you will become the
Democratic Republic of Maxwell.

Owen, a moment.

We need to do some paperwork
and discuss a constitution.

- Will we have our on flag?
- Of course.

- Mom can be president.
- I love it.

Mom can be president.
Ed, you can be vice president.

Can this actually work?

I don't think it's ever been
tried before,

Madam President, but...
please excuse us a moment.

Oh. One second. Be right back.

What's the problem?

You just suggested that our clients

secede from
the United States of America.

Yeah, and I know it's a long shot.

Secessionists are seen as
fanatics and instigators.

There could be consequences.

I'm buying us time, Grayson,

and if we win
they'll get to keep their house.

We can't win.

Fine. Do you have a better solution?

Okay, then.

Let's go inside
and pledge our allegiance

to the Democratic Republic of Maxwell.

Chelsea, how were you treated

when you joined the Breaker girls?

Like an outsider.

Ally and the others picked on me
as soon as I arrived.

Really? How so?

If I sat at their table,
Ally would get up,

and the rest of the squad would follow.

They made fun of my makeup, my clothes.

Ally even told me the wrong time

for the annual picture so I'd miss it.

Wow. Really childish.

They called me names
and spread rumors online

saying I was promiscuous.

I haven't had a date in six months.

And it was your dream
to be a cheerleader,

- wasn't it?
- Yes.

But I thought cheerleading
was about positive energy

and raising team spirit, not...
picking on the new girl.

Thank you.

You said you haven't
had a date in six months?

- That's right.
- What about your coffee dates

with backup forward Leon Watters?

Objection. Relevance.

Your client introduced
her dating history.

Overruled.

They weren't exactly dates, but...

Are you aware of
the clause in your contract

that prohibits
fraternization with the players?

- Yes.
- Well, I think

you hastily filed this lawsuit

because you knew
you'd be kicked off the squad

if your inappropriate
relationship came to light.

Objection... argumentative.

Overruled.

Leon was going through
a personal problem, and...

I'm a good listener.
I was being a good friend.

Just a friend?

On March 17th, did you meet Leon

for drinks at the Bacara Resort
in Santa Barbara?

Yes.

Where did you sleep that night?

Ms. Bingum, don't bother to object.

Ms. Putnam will answer the question.

In Leon's room.

And yet you wonder

why you have a reputation
for promiscuity.

No more questions.

You slept with a player?

It was just that one time!

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you,
but it's embarrassing.

- What else don't I know?
- Nothing!

Look, Leon's best friend died.

I was being supportive, and
it turned into something else,

but it was a mistake,
and it never happened again.

Chelsea, this undermines
your credibility.

And it gives the Breakers
the right to terminate you.

Well, it doesn't give Ally and her posse

- the right to harass me.
- No.

No, you're right. It doesn't.

Okay, um... is there anyone else,

anyone who could confirm
your claims against Ally?

Like I said, the other cheerleaders

won't speak out against her
because she determines

who gets assigned the outside jobs.

- Right.
- Jane, those jobs

pay up to $400 an hour,

and Ally takes a commission off
of every gig that she books...

- 30% off the top.
- Wow.

Yeah, and management turns a blind eye

because they don't care.

I'm sorry, Chelsea. I... I really am.

I...

What do we do next?

Honestly, I don't know.

The Democratic Republic
of Maxwell? Are you kidding me?

I would never kid
with the U.S. Attorney's Office.

My clients have formally
seceded from the United States.

Therefore, we ask the court to recognize

that the city's claim against
their house is no longer valid.

Secession ain't that easy.

He's right, Mr. French.
"Civil war" ring any bells?

Under international law,
specific criteria must be met

in order for a nation
to be recognized as independent.

I am aware.

A formal declaration
fully signed and executed.

Fedex confirms
that the Department of State

received theirs an hour ago.

And what about
a formal governmental structure?

Yes. Ruth is the President.

Ed is the Vice President.

And the children are Secretaries
of State and Transportation.

Seriously?

Statehood isn't merely

a matter of
declaring oneself independent.

It requires international recognition...

A letter of recognition signed
by Thomas Esang Remengesau.

He's the president
of the Island Nation of Palau.

How'd you secure this so quickly?

Well... not that it's relevant,
but I chaired

a judicial conference there
a couple years ago.

There's only 20,000 people
in the country,

so meeting the president
was pretty easy.

We stayed in touch.

This is a farce.

The United States of America

is not going to recognize
your clients' new country.

Your Honor?

It's up to the State Department

to decide how to deal with a secession.

But as far as
the lien against the house,

I'll stay all foreclosure efforts

until this issue is fully resolved.

Jane Bingum's office.

Ms. Muffintop?

Oh, um... she is at a new extension.

I'll transfer you.

- Hey, intern.
- Mm?

This is about you.

This is Cassandra.

Yes. I understand.

Tomorrow at 3:00 is fine.

At my office.

Good. Good.

Hm. Cheerios.

You better book me a conference room...

blinds down.

Maybe it's time we ask Jane for help.

Relax. Big mama's got this.

Mm!

I just had the most amazing

pregnant-lady yoga class.

I sweat in places I never knew existed.

Well, that's nice, sweetie.

Mediation music.

Hibiscus tea.

Oh?

Mint antioxidant edible face mask.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

You're nervous about having sex
with Grayson tomorrow night.

That's crazy.

I'm ecstatic about tomorrow night.

Doesn't mean you're not nervous.

And it explains why you
haven't been in a rush to do it.

Okay, fine, I'm nervous.

I totally understand.

It's like
your body is the final frontier.

Hmm.

Wait, did you just compare my
body to a "Star Trek" mission?

Did I?

I just keep thinking
what if sex with me now

isn't as good as sex with me before?

You're competing with another woman,

and that other woman is you.

My sex life with Grayson was ridiculous.

I mean...

- the things that we did...
- Okay.

You are the same person as before,

and you know exactly
how to get Grayson going,

not to mention the guy
is totally crazy about you.

And that is what makes for good sex.

Thank you.

How's your cheerleader case going?

God, it's a mess.

I can't find another cheerleader
to testify to the bullying

because they're all
afraid to upset Ally,

the head cheerleader.

She's a classic queen bee.

She's turned cheerleading
into a corrupt business

full of bribes and favors.

See, she decides which girl
gets to do which job,

and then she gets
a taste of all the action.

Forget queen bee.

She sounds like
a character from "The Sopranos."

Oh, my God. You're right.

She's exactly like
a character from "The Sopranos."

The Breaker girls...
they're not monsters.

They're mobsters.

I'm gonna take on the mob.

Your Honor, I'm amending my cause of action

to include a violation

of the Racketeer Influenced
and Corrupt Organizations Act.

You want to treat the Breaker girls

as a criminal enterprise under RICO?

- I do.
- RICO is for bringing down

drug cartels and mafia figures,
not cheerleaders.

Well, that may be true,
but the Breaker girls

operate just like the mob
with Ally as the don.

She's instituted a system
where assignments are doled out

based solely on her whim.

And if you're in,
you get glamorous parties

and luxury travel
and the highest-paying gigs.

If, like, Chelsea,
you refuse to kiss Ally's ring,

you're sleeping with the fishes

or, at best,
doing the lowest-paying gigs.

This is absurd.

I am seeking a consent decree

deposing Ally Roth as head cheerleader,

restructuring the organization
to eliminate bullying,

and, of course, the statutorily
mandated treble damages.

Ally Roth is not Michael Corleone.

And no one is forcing
your client to be a cheerleader.

Okay, under the law, all that matters

is that Ally is enforcing
a repressive system of kickbacks

by taking a cut of every fee.

So our complaint will allege
that Ally Roth

is a straight-up pompom-wielding
capo di tutti capi.

Pretty clever, Ms. Bingum.

Well, thank you.

You may amend your complaint.

To be frank, Ms. Muffintop,

your client
doesn't have a leg to stand on.

He signed our cardholder agreement.

Well, I think the F.R.A. might disagree.

The Federal Railroad Administration?

Yes, because you're
trying to railroad my client.

At least, that's how the F.R.B.,

the Federal Reserve Bank, might see it.

As you know, they regulate
the credit-card industry.

We've been entirely compliant
in our collection efforts.

Yes, but you've been negligent
in your recruiting efforts.

Before issuing my client
a high-limit credit card,

did you inquire at all about his income?

He knew the terms of the
credit card when he signed up.

Let's talk about those terms.

I defy even you to tell me
what the hell this means.

"The finance charge
for billing period is calculated"

"by applying the periodic rate
to the account balance"

"subject to finance charge for
each day in the billing period,"

"adding together all of those
daily finance-charge amounts."

Who's hungry?

Huh? You know what they say...

good food helps break the
tension in difficult situations.

This is Paul, my client.

Howdy.

How exactly did you
pay for those lobsters?

I put it on my card.
Don't worry. I can pay later.

If you think my dumbass client
understood your small print,

then I'd like to see you
try and convince a jury.

And look at that face.

Jurors will eat him like vanilla
ice cream on a hot afternoon.

Of course, Paul would be
my named plaintiff

in a much larger class-action suit.

Okay.

Okay, as a one-time courtesy,

we can forgive all the interest charges

and 50% of the principal.

100% of the principal,

we cut up the card, and we all go home.

Fine.

We have a deal.

Oh, uh... do I still get to
keep the T-shirt?

I'll have my office send over
a fully executed release.

Good day, Ms. Muffintop.

Glad we could work it out.

Hey. Have you seen the Maxwells?

They're half an hour late
for their meeting.

Just got a text.
They're asking for a video chat.

Why?

I don't know, but Ed's ready.

Hey, Ed. What's going on?

We pulled out of our driveway, and a U.S.
Border Patrol officer stopped us.

He said since we
seceded from the United States,

we need a visa to enter the country.

They're taking it seriously.

Yeah, and the DWP has turned
off our water and electricity.

Makes sense. They're the ones who
started this in the first place.

Look, Ed, we made a calculated gamble

that the feds would pressure the city

to drop the suit if we gave up
our demand for secession.

Clearly, it's not working.

S... should we give up?

I mean, my family and I
are prisoners in our own home.

I know this is difficult,
but just... just hang tight.

This is not over.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey!

- This is a nice surprise.
- I brought you something.

Ooh, champagne. And grapes.

- Seriously? You don't remember?
- What?

The first time you had sex with Grayson,

he brought over the movie
and the Chinese food,

and you bought... champagne and grapes.

'Cause strawberries were out of season.

Oh, my God. Stacy, this is perfect.

- And you're welcome.
- Hm.

- So, what's with the mess?
- Yeah.

In order for me to show damages
in my case against the Breakers,

I am adding up all of Chelsea's receipts

for anything that
remotely pertains to the cost

associated with being a cheerleader,

you know, like, dance classes
and gym memberships

and dermo appointments,
blowouts, even her wardrobe.

Wow.

Hey, Goldilocks. How's it hanging?

Fine.

I know Chelsea
brought us those receipts,

but I asked for copies
of her monthly statements

- in case she missed anything.
- Oh, good idea.

And she recently
put down a $3,000 retainer

with Del Toro & Associates.

Wait. That's a P.R. firm.

They exclusively work with
reality stars and celebutantes.

I thought you said
she didn't have that much money.

Yeah, that's what she told me.

Maybe she hired them

after she was getting all that attention

from the televised breakdown?

Well, she hired them
two days before her freak-out.

Why would you hire a publicity firm

before you needed publicity?

I think she was planning ahead.

And I think she's been playing me.

Chelsea's publicist confirmed

she has lined up
a slew of endorsement deals.

You're sure the whole case
was a big publicity stunt?

Yeah. I went back and reviewed
the cheerleading footage.

Turns out Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot

32 seconds before Chelsea's breakdown.

And through the entire 32 seconds,

Chelsea kept her eye on the scoreboard

just waiting for the TV cameras
to come back from commercial.

She wanted to make sure
she was televised.

Oh, yeah. Oh, and get this.

The social media postings
calling her names...

I subpoenaed the server data.
She sent them to herself.

Chelsea figured out a way
to get into the public eye by...

by pretending to be a victim,
and it worked.

I mean, the idea
of a bullied cheerleader

struck a nerve in everybody.

I can't let her get away with this.

You can ask the judge
to remove you from the case,

but you can't go public.

You're right.

No, you're absolutely right.

I don't like the sound of that.

I promise I will not violate
attorney/client privilege.

- Jane.
- What?

Jane.

I'm sorry. Forgive me for keeping you.

Um... I want to thank you for
securing visas for the Maxwells,

and I sincerely hope that
we can work this out.

I hope your clients
have come to their senses.

Respectfully, we ask one more time

that the AUSA's office
exert pressure on the city

to withdraw their demand for $75,000.

Look, we can't have every whack job

thinking they can secede
just to avoid paying fines.

In fact, I'm not even authorized
to negotiate with an adversary.

Funny that you should use that word.

Uh, I have something for you.

A declaration of war
on the United States?

What are you doing?

With one phone call,
our government can...

Can what? What, bomb them into oblivion?

Yes. Listen, I don't know
what sort of game this is,

but you're going to lose.

You're right. We surrender.

Ed, give them the capitulation document.

What the hell is going on?

You win. We lose.

And now, having decisively vanquished

the Democratic Republic of Maxwell,

our clients
are entitled to war reparations.

- What?
- The United States

spent $44 billion under the
Marshall plan after World War II

and over $100 billion
repairing Iraq and Afghanistan.

Considering the population

of the Democratic Republic of Maxwell

and the harm they've suffered
in the recent conflict,

we request the measly sum of 75 grand.

Just the amount needed
to cover the lien of the house.

Of course, we would expect

the new rebuilding program
to include speed bumps.

If you agree, we can put this to bed.

Will your clients agree
to a nondisclosure agreement?

Terms of this deal remain confidential.

Absolutely.

We love this country,
and we'll do whatever you ask.

Welcome back to the U.S.A.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

According to today's "Los Angeles Post,"

you hired a publicist
two days before your meltdown.

It's not against the law
to hire a publicist.

Well, as someone
who doesn't make much money,

weren't you concerned about
spending $3,000

on a publicity firm
whose stationery reads,

"we extend your 15 minutes of fame"?

I... I invested in myself.

When Ally wouldn't send you

on the high-paying personal appearances,

you got upset, didn't you?

- Yes, but...
- Let's be honest.

You wanted fame. You wanted money.

And you figured out
how to get it fast...

by accusing your fellow cheerleaders

of today's most charged
buzzword, "bullying."

Will you please object?
He's attacking me.

Well, actually,
that was a proper question.

Oh, but as your lawyer,

I suggest you invoke
your fifth-amendment rights.

I'm not answering any more anything.

Oh, in that case, I ask Your Honor

to enter judgment
on behalf of the defense.

Uh, well, no, wait.

Regardless of the veracity
of Chelsea's claims,

during discovery, I did uncover evidence

of the Breaker girls'
corrupt business practices,

so I'm still asking Your Honor

to exercise your authority under RICO

to remove Ally Roth as head cheerleader

and institute new policies for
the assignment of outside gigs.

Ms. Bingum, your request is granted.

- Thank you.
- As for your client,

I'm referring her conduct
to the D.A.'s office,

and I expect that they'll pursue perjury

and malicious-prosecution charges.

Bailiff, you take this woman into custody.

I know you're the source
of Rosemary's story.

You broke attorney/client privilege,

and I will sue you for all you're worth.

Oh, yeah. See, you gave me permission.

Yeah, remember?

In this confidentiality waver.

It allows me to share
all case-related information

with Rosemary, so that's what I did.

Bye, Chelsea.

Oh, you're such a smart aleck.

Nobody knows anything but you.

I'll stop a car,
and I won't use my thumb.

What are you gonna do?

It's a system all my own.

Oh.

- No, don't answer that.
- It's Teri.

She never calls unless it's important.

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, Teri.

Oh, my God. No.

Okay, okay. Just...
don't do or say anything.

I will be right there.

Oh, my God. Teri's been arrested.

Let me guess... false impersonation

and practicing law without a license?

How do you know that?

I caught Teri impersonating an attorney,

and I warned her to stop,
but she ignored me.

So you had her arrested?

No. I told Kim.

Kim must have called the cops.

So you went to Kim instead of me?

Teri is my assistant.

She's my friend.

Which is why I knew
you wouldn't be objective.

No, you're damn right.
I would not have been objective.

Hey.

Teri's actions
put the entire firm at risk.

I was protecting you.

You think I need protection?

That's not what I meant.

I'm a partner in this firm, and
you went behind my back to Kim?

Kim, a woman
whose idea of compassion is...

is stepping over the homeless.

No, Jane, I spared you
from having to choose

between the firm and your friends.

- I knew you'd choose Teri.
- So you chose for me.

I don't...
I don't even know what to say.

How about "thank you"?

How about, when I get back
from helping my friend,

you're not here.

Hey, boss. Are you here to bust me out?

The A.D.A. is willing to
drop the felony charges.

- That's good.
- Yes, but...

he's insisting on jail time
for the false personation.

Two weeks.
It's the best I could do.

So, I got to stay here?

Well, if we post bail,

he'll proceed with the felony charges,

and that just gets much worse
very quickly.

So, I'll be jailbird.

Truth is spending time in prison

has always been on my bucket list.

Hey, did I take you away from something?

Oh... crap. Tonight
is your Grayson sex date.

I listen to some of your calls.

For your own protection.

Uh, yes, tonight is our date,

but it is... it's fine.

I hope that you are not
angry with him on my account.

I mean, you realize

this is entirely my fault,
and I'm so sorry.

And I would never forgive myself
if I came between you two.

Please tell me everything is okay.

Oh, yeah. Everything's okay.

Everything's great.

He's at my house waiting for me
with grapes and champagne.

Yeah.

Well, I want you to say,
"goodbye, Teri,"

and go have the night of your life.

Goodbye, Teri.