Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - Captain Hero's Marriage Pact - full transcript

Oh, yeah, of course, sweetie.

Can't wait to see you, too.

Oh, and you know that
sexy push-up bra I like?

Yeah, the one with
the lace and leather.

I'll be wearing that
when you get here.

Bye, baby.

Who is that, Mr. Hero?

Ah, this chick I used to
bang in superhero school.

She's coming for a visit.

Are you her boyfriend?

Well, I'm more of
her back rub buddy.



Hey, kids, Captain Hero here
with getting laid tip 213...

The back rub buddy.

Find a chick who's just
been dumped, and comfort her

by massaging her
shoulders, and soon...

She'll be massaging
your prostate.

Observe.

Oh, Wooldoor, I'm so sorry

your boyfriend chip
dumped your ass.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Exactly.

Chip never existed.

Ahh. How does that feel?

Ohh.

Captain Hero?



Yes, Wooldoor.

I want you inside me.

Class dismissed.

[LING-LING SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[GASPS] That is my
old band the Foxxy 5!

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to...

From 1984 to 3 weeks later,

the Foxxy 5's
funk-basted grooves

led them to the
top of the charts.

But their backstage cat fighting

ultimately led to
the band's demise.

Today, these one-hit nobodies

are on the "no one cares"
train to nowheresville.

What the...

Foxxy ain't no washed-up star!

Um, sorry to break
the news, Foxxy,

but you've been washed,
dried, and lightly starched.

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

FOXXY: I couldn't believe everybody
thought I was yesterday's news.

Sure the Foxxy 5 ain't
had a hit in 20 years

but our message is still fresh.

Have lots of unprotected sex,
and defeat the soviet union.

Screw you guys!

Foxxy's gonna' prove to
y'all she ain't no has-been!

She is an is-be!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's up, momma?

Oh! Captain Hero!

Oh, baby!

I Missed you more than a
retard Misses the point.

What do you mean?

I sure could use one of
your infamous back rubs.

I just got dumped.

Hard.

Well, Wooldoor, duty calls.

Uh, wait, are you going
to sleep with her,

or are you going
to make a poopy?

If all goes well...

Both.

FOXXY: To get back on top,

I had to reunite the band.

Foxxy had to swallow the
saltiest thing of all...

Her pride.

Gir... Gir...

Gir... Gir...

Gir... Gir...

Gir... Girl!

Man, I Miss you guys.

I don't know why
we ever broke up.

Ohh! How you doing, player?

He ain't looking at you, love!

He wasn't looking
at your fat ass.

What did you call me? Step off!

Bring it! Gir...

Drop it like it's hot!
Can I get a witness?

Holla! Hey, hey, hey!

Hold up!

Foxxies, ain't y'all
tired of people

thinking we has-beens?

Now, I know things were
said, feelings was hurt,

kidneys were shived,
boyfriends was anal,

brakes was cut, and
foetuses were abducted.

But if we put aside our
differences and work together,

we can make it back to the top.

Foxxy's right.

I don't want to be a has-been.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's have a toast, sisters,

to the Foxxy 5
getting back together.

[CLANK]

Now, let's get
this party started!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, doesn't that feel better?

Mm-hmm.

My god! Look at
you in this light!

You're absolutely stunning!

My back isn't the
only part of my body

that's got knots.

Well, I know how to
take care of that.

[BOTH MOANING]

Ooh, you like that, huh?

Then you're going to love this!

[MOANING]

Oh, yeah, right there.

You like that, too, don't you?
Yeah!

Yeah. Then you're going
to go Ga-Ga over this!

[SPANK]

Oh! Yeah.

Oh, god, hero!

Do you remember when we were
back in superhero U. Together?

Oh, yeah. Oh, god!

And remember how
we made that pact

that if we were still
single when we turned 30,

we promised to marry each other?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, god! Well, happy
birthday to me!

I'm 30 years old today!

And the pact still stands!

Oh, god! We're getting married!

We're getting married!

[DEFLATING]

[CROWING]

Oh, could you turn
down that TV, y'all.

Foxxy partied a little
too hard last night.

Ooh, I can't believe I
can hold that much beer.

[GROANING]

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

[YELLING AND GRUNTING]

[CLINKING]

[GRUNTING]

When I left the club,

my sisters were still
partying their asses off!

Looks like the Foxxy 5 is back!

ANNOUNCER: We now interrupt the
president's speech with an important...

Now where they at?

News flash.

If there's a heaven for
losers and has-beens,

then move over Mozart.

The Foxxy 5 is finally home...

What the hell did that mean?

Meaning 4 band members
were mowed down

outside a club early this
morning in a tragic hit-and-run.

Oh, lordy!

Foxxy love, who was not present,

is presumed to still be
alive and still be black.

Therefore, she is considered
armed and dangerous.

You racist ass hole.

Hmm...

I wasn't sure if
unusually flexible girl

was serious about
getting married.

But then I saw something

that, like, totally
freaked me out.

[GASPS] What?

"I'm marrying her..."

"ro!"

That's the most
disgustingly clever tattoo

I've ever seen!

There's no way I was
marrying that crazy chick.

The only thing this superhero
is married to is his work.

And possibly a Filipino
transvestite in Albany.

Oh! That was one
crazy yom kippur.

It was my idea to get
the band back together.

And now they's dead.

Dead.

SPANKY: Poor has-been.

I know first-hand what it's
like to lose a friend.

I lose 2 or 3 of them everyday.

[ TAPS PLAYING]

But through my personal
form of self-expression,

the scent of their
memory lives on.

Yeah. I'm gonna Miss those guys.

Listen, babe,
I know how you feel.

But your friends'
memories can live on

through your music.

Don't nobody care
about my music no more.

Ah, come on, that's the
champelle talking, Foxxy!

Some of the greatest songs

have been born
from tragic deaths.

Think candle in the wind.

Think tears in heaven.

Think, grandma got run
over by a reindeer.

[PLAYS RIM SHOT]

Maybe you're right, Spanky.
Thank you.

Now, I just hope
I still remember

how to play the jingle Frisbee.

[RANDOM NOISES]

[JINGLES]

CHOIR: ♪ hallelujah ♪

Oh, Wooldoor, you
charming little simpleton,

tell that crazy girl
I am not marrying her.

I'm not comfortable doing that.

Would you be more comfortable

if I broke your arm in 3 places

and wrapped then
it in $100 bills?

Are you threatening me...

Or bribing me?

What an insulting accusation!

Take that back before
I pull out your spleen

and then drive you
to the hospital

in your brand new car.

Why?!

Why doesn't Captain
Hero want to marry me?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

I'm so alone.

You're not alone. You've got me.

I don't want to
end up like Nana.

She spent her final years alone

in a dank, smelly nursing home

with nobody around
to say, "I love you."

By the time I got back
from spring break 2003

Daytona beach MTV
monster party jam week,

she was dead!

That's horrible.

I don't want to die alone.

I don't want to
die alone either.

We have no choice!

We have to do something!
Like what?

Like get married!

I do!

You hear that everyone?

I'm marrying...

What was your name again?

[WHISPERING]

I'm marrying Wooldoor!

[LASER BEAM FIRES AND MAN GULPS]

Everybody, Wooldoor and I

have something very
important to announce.

We're getting married!

I can't believe you're
marrying another.

How will I ever go on?

I am so sorry, captain,

I hope we can still be friends.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

This is so wonderful!

Now everybody's happy!

[CHOPIN'S FUNERAL MARCH PLAYS]

[LING-LING SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Oh, I can't do this.

I been working on
these lyrics all night,

and I gots nothing.

Foxxy! Put down the notebook.

Let the lyrics bloom forth

like blossoms from
your broken soul.

OK, Spanky.

I's is ready now.

♪ Sally popped the hood,
bloody guts and pain ♪

♪ Squishy, squishy. My, oh, my ♪

♪ Compound fracture, punctured
lung, bashed in brains ♪

♪ Squishy, squishy,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Free from the suffocating grip

of unusually flexible girl,

I was able to sit back, relax,

and enjoy watching Wooldoor
ruin the rest of his life.

Uh, you're so annoying!

Hey, Captain Hero,

what would you do if
we were getting married

and my parents were
paying for everything.

Would we have to put your
parents' name on the invitation?

If it were me?

Yaa!

[BEEPS]

UNUSUALLY FLEXIBLE GIRL:
Captain Hero, hello!

Oh, well, it's
not me, thank god.

But if it were me,

I would want my
parents' name on there.

Because they'd be so proud.

Had I made a terrible mistake?

Should I be the one picking
out wedding invitations?

Should I be the one choosing
floral arrangements?

Should I be the one
alienating her parents

because I don't want to be
married in their church of lies?!

You two make a beautiful couple.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a previous engagement.

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

You made it!

Oh, my god, I'm on
the picture square!

♪ Sally popped the hood,
bloody guts and pain ♪

♪ Squishy, squishy, my, oh, my ♪

♪ Compound fracture, punctured
lung, bashed in brains ♪

♪ Squishy, squishy,
yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

♪ Crunchy, cracky, smacky,
wacky, all that's left ♪

♪ His best friend couldn't
top an asphalt death ♪

♪ Hey, crashy, smashy ♪

♪ Crash and die ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

♪ Crash and die ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Crash and die ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

♪ Crash and die ♪

FOXXY: Yeah, baby,
a star is reborn!

Oh, come on, let's
go out and celebrate.

And I will drive.

You know I ain't been
out of this house

since the night those
has-beens got run over?

Number one, fool! Number one!

Oh! Aah!

Foxxy. Why you do this to us?

Why you run us over?
Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, lordy!

Oh, ho, ho. You black people

and your gaudy hood ornaments.

Foxxy. Why you do this to us?

Why you run us over?
Hey, hey, hey.

I need to call an ambulance!

[GASPS]

Oh, girls, I am so sorry. I never
shoulda been drinking and driving.

That is the last time
I mix liquor and beer

and cough syrup and kool aid and
grape kool aid and lemon pledge.

And this time I mean it.

WOMAN: 911 emergency dispatch.

Yes, um, I need a... [BEEP]

Uh, hold on. That's
the other line.

Yello!

[GASPS] Oh, shark bear,

president of lock down records?

What's that?

A record deal?

Oh, my god!

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about!

Foxxy...

Why you do this to us?

Please, help us.

Hey, hey, hey!

Foxxy found herself in a pickle,

instead of the other way around.

If the world finds out my
girls were still alive,

there'd be no tragedy...

Which mean no album.

But Foxxy had to
do the right thing.

Hello, 911?

I'm calling to report a hit.

A number one hit by Foxxy love!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, why oh why did I break it
off with unusually flexible girl?

This was the biggest
mistake of my life.

Even bigger than that
unfortunate incident

with that trick-or-treating kid.

Why would you dress like aqua man
if you can't breathe under water?

Oh, you poor baby.

Ahh.

She was the best
thing in my life.

And now she's marrying Wooldoor.

Oh, that feels great, Xandir.

I'm so relaxed.

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, now see, didn't
that movie cheer you up?

I'm afraid not,

but thanks for trying, buddy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, maybe you should just
tell her how you feel.

Wait, I have an
even better idea.

I'm not sure how putting deaf people in
zoos will help you get your girl back.

Damn it you're right!

Ooh, but I know what will.

[REEDY VOICE] Hello there,
unusually flexible girl,

it is I, Wooldoor Sockbat here

to say hello to you,
my soon-to-be wife.

Wooldoor, you're not
supposed to see me

in my dress before the wedding.

Are you sure you should
be wearing a white dress?

I mean, you are a huge slut.

Wooldoor, you shouldn't
speak to me like that.

But that is how I,
Wooldoor Sockbat,

believe a husband should
speak to his wife.

And, of course, he
should pee on her.

Looks more like a yellow wedding.
Ha ha ha!

Stop it this instant!
Gross! Stop it!

Foxxy had finally made
it back to the top.

And like those ass holes who died on Mt.
Everest,

I intended to stay there.

Spanky, I just cut
my next single.

Listen to this.

[FOXXY'S SONG PLAYS]

[FARTING SOUNDS]

What the hell is that?

I sampled your farts, Spanky!

[FARTING SOUNDS]

And now people are going to
think it's like a brand new song!

How dare you!

Aah!

Those farts are meant to
keep the personal memory

of my fallen brethren alive,

not to be packaged and
sold for fame and fortune.

That's not how Spanky do!

[GASPS]

Hmm.

Yes, any minute now,

unusually flexible girl
was going to dump Wooldoor.

There you are, Wooldoor
jebediah Sockbat.

Holy shit, what happened?

[MOANING]

Oh, baby.

Last night was so hot!

Wh... how do you mean?

Yeah.

Wooldoor drowned me in a
yellow fountain of passion

the likes of which
I've never felt.

And he cured my athlete's foot.

I have never been so
turned on in my life!

Let's go upstairs, stud.

WOOLDOOR: OKie dokie.

CAPTAIN HERO: This was the
biggest mistake of my life.

XANDIR: Well, maybe you should
just tell her how you feel.

FOXXY: Hey, hey, hey.

Unusually flexible girl, wait.

I am the one you
should be marrying,

not Wooldoor.

It was you, wasn't it?

You're the one who showered me

with golden affection.

That's right, baby.

I've always loved ya.

Captain Hero! How could you?

[CRYING]

After the wedding,
we can move in

with my mother,
unusually Jewish woman,

and you can go into
my father's business.

[DEFLATING]

[FART SONG PLAYING]

I thought a lot about
what Spanky said.

Maybe I was no better than
that ass hole Elton John.

I had to apologise to my girls

and set them free.

Aah!

[CRYING]

Get out!

I hate you! I hate you!

Listen, brougham,
I've thought it over,

and you can totally
have her back.

Really?

Yeah, I just wanted her
because I couldn't have her.

And now that I have
her, I don't want her.

It's just like the time

I was all excited
to catch herpes.

Really? Whoo!

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

Whoo! Whoo!

Wait. Now that I can have her,

I don't want her.

Guess I'm just like you.

That means I can fly!

Whee!

I still don't want her.

Oh, come on. You're the one

who promised to marry her.

You're the one who promised
to marry her first.

And third.

Don't make me kick your ass.

Don't make me suck your dick.

Don't make me cuddle
you like a baby.

Don't make me suck your dick.

Oh! Oh!

All I wanted was someone
to grow old with.

Now, because of
you two ass holes,

I'm gonna die alone!

Just like Nana!

[SOBBING]

Why doesn't anyone love me?

[SOBBING]

Spanky, the girls is gone!

Everybody gonna know what I did!

I'm ruined!

Yeah, no kidding? Look.

ANNOUNCER: In a now where they at?
Update,

Foxxy love has been
bounced from the top spot

to make room for the realest
act you've ever seen.

Here they are with
their newest single,

the Foxxy 4.

♪ The drunken fish ran
us down with her hoopty ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

Guess I'm all washed up again.

I can't be too upset.

I deserve this.

Sorry, babe.

But look on the bright side.

At least you invested
your money wisely

instead of wasting it all
on flashy Tooth jewellery.

Right, Foxxy?

Unusually flexible
GIRL: Get off me!

We're sorry, unusually
flexible girl.

Come on. Let's go inside

and talk about this.

No. You guys are so mean to me.

Oh, come on, you crazy bitch.

You know we both love you.

Really?

Both of you love me?

Have you noticed that
we haven't been getting

any screen time this week?

Well, uh, duh!

That's because we've been
in the basement all week

making this awesome potato gun!

Are you sure this is safe?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Ooh!

I'm so happy you...

WOOLDOOR: Uh-oh. Ooh.

Hmm.

[STRETCHING]

[SIREN]

[FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS]

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[SLAVIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHINESE MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, my god!

This is terrible!

She's dead!

And it's all our fault!

Hold on, little fella.

Huh?

While we can't be proud

of the way we passed
her back and forth

like a used condom,

we can be proud of one thing.

We gave her a potato
instead of a face?

No.

We saved her from the one
thing she feared most.

We didn't let her...

Die alone.

Aw, and look.

She's smiling.

We are good people.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]