Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 3 - Little Orphan Hero - full transcript

Captain hero begins having a nervous breakdown after being overwhelmed by anxiety from the childhood loss of his parents when his planet Zebulon crashed into its sun, leaving him as the only survivor. While he tries to come to terms with this, the other house-mates clue him in to the fact that Zebulon was never destroyed and that his parents are probably still alive. Just at that moment, his parents' spaceship lands on the front lawn. His joy at seeing them is soon crushed when they reveal that they had actually tried to get rid of him because a psychic had told them years earlier that their son would become the most pathetic hero in history. When his attempts to prove them wrong fail disastrously, Captain Hero flies off in a rage to take revenge on the planet that rejected him.

[SOBBING]

Child, what is up
with Captain Hero?

Lately he's been
an emotional wreck.

[SOBBING]

[TRUMPETS]

[SOBBING]

Hold me.

I can't.

[SOBBING]

[WHISTLING]

Maybe he ran out of his super power
potion, if you know what I mean.



Housemates, report
to the living room!

The producers told us that we must
start a business of our choosing.

I wanted to have a bake sale,

but the stereotypes
had other ideas.

Let's open a hair salon!

We could shine shoes.

Let's eat potato salad!

PRINCESS: Finally we all agreed.

[TOGETHER] A suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline?

Now how the hell did
we come up with that?

Goddamn white producers

with their goddamn
white flashes.

They can edit us to make
us say whatever they want.



My... tail... is... made...
Out... of... bacon.

Stop it!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

My tail, 100% pure bacon.

A suicide hotline.

This is gonna be so much fun!

No, it ain't.

Remember how you got bored

with them pit bulls you adopted,

and then I had to
find 'em a new home

with them Muppet babies?

Aah! Aah!

And I don't wants to
be responsible for

no stupid ass suicide hotline.

Oh come on foxy. This
time it'll be different.

We'll stick with it!

ALL: Yea! Come on! Please?

I lit a homeless girl on fire.

What the... That's horrible!

Who said that?

ALL: I don't know. Wasn't me.

Fire's happy now.

Well, be that as it may, I will not
be a part of no suicide hotline.

Nuh-uh, no way, no how, no sir.

OK, let's do it.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

I'm just so sad all the time,

and I don't know
how to get better.

I have nowhere to turn.

I mean, whose job is
it to save a super hero

when he's in trouble?

Batman? Oh, no.

You get tipsy at
one cocktail party

and do one little impression
of his parents being murdered

and suddenly he won't
return your phone calls.

[DEEP VOICE] Now, see, are you
ready to die, batman's parents?

[IMITATES WOMAN]
Oh, don't shoot!

We're batman's mommy and daddy!

[GUNSHOT]

You should talk
to a professional.

You're right, gay friend,

but I'm embarrassed
about getting therapy.

Don't worry, girlfriend.

I won't tell anyone.

Oh, I know you won't, Xandir.

I know you won't.

What... [MUFFLED TALKING]

[MOANS]

And now to erase your memory
of this entire conversation.

We set up our suicide hotline,

and I put myself in charge

of producing a
little commercial.

Hey, stud, are you
longing to swallow

a handful of pills?

Or do you think
about putting a hole

in your head?

Then call our sultry
suicide hotline.

We'll do anything
to keep you alive.

[BREATHING HEAVY] Anything.

There's so much to live for.

Call now! Our hot
and horny operators

are standing by. Live!

ANNOUNCER: Results may vary.

There may not be much to live for.
Toot is fat.

And now, we wait.

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

Ohh! Phone.

[TOGETHER] Oh.

Yup, yup.

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Well, doc, I guess five
for fighting put it best

in their heart-wrenching
power ballad.

♪ I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane ♪

♪ I'm more than
some pretty face ♪

♪ Beside a train... ♪

[SOBBING] It's like
he wrote it for me.

As a fake psychiatrist,

I believe that all dysfunction

is a result of childhood trauma.

The best treatment for this
is to simulate the womb

of the patient's
mother using blankets

or a whale's vagina.

[WHALES BELLOWS]

Now tell me about your parents.

Well, according to lore,

seconds before my home planet
zebulon crashed into the sun,

my parents, they
sent me to earth.

But my parents, they died.

It should have been me.

[WHISPERS] It
should have been me.

It's not your fault.

[SOBBING]

[WHALE BELLOWS]

He was right. It
wasn't my fault.

Thank you, unborn baby whale.

You were as helpful
as you were delicious.

[CHATTERING]

Well, what do you know?

They was taking responsibility
for the hotline.

I guess sometimes Foxxy's
wrong about her housemates.

Like when I first moved in,

I thought Toot was a giant
penguin with face cancer.

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured!

My therapist made me realise

that it's not my fault
my parents are dead.

I couldn't have stopped zebulon

from crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet zebulon?

Zebulon didn't crash into
no sun, captain 'tardo.

What you talkin' about, Foxxy?

Zebulon is a thriving planet
with a booming economy.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.

As if.

We order zuebulini's
takeout all the time.

You love the deep
fried zebulonads.

I never put the 2 together.

Don't you remember?

We went to zebulon
for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted
the whole time.

Plus we're stealing
our cable from zebulon.

CAPTAIN HERO: OK, OK, I get it!

How else could we watch
everybody loves zorgablack?

Man, I hate that
Patricia Heatonglab.

What a klexblunt.

Well then, if zebulon
didn't blow up,

that would mean...

My parents are still alive.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Guys!

Where the hell are you?

Just when I started
to trust those fools.

There is only 2 excuses
for walking away

from suicidal people in need,

and I don't see no
nuclear holocaust.

And I don't hear no free bell biv devoe
concert in a swap meet parking lot.

[ALL RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Suicide hotline.

"My name is Laine.
How can I help you?

Remember to sound
like you care."

MAN: I'm a quadruple amputee.

My life is a living hell.

Shit, you think you got it bad?

You should try living
with some room-mates.

Now if I write my name
on a bag of funions,

them ain't your funions!

Those Foxxy funions!

You don't understand me.
Nobody understands me!

I might as well kill
myself right now!

No, wait! Hello?

Those goddamn cunt, shit

dumb ass piss fuck meatball
dick cock mother fuckers!

After I learned that zebulon
never plummeted into the sun,

I realised I would
never be complete

without meeting my parents.

I needed to phone home.

[THEME FROM E.T. THE
EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL PLAYS]

And that's exactly
what I would do

as soon as I was done playing

with my new sex robot.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[SLOBBERING]

Ooh!

[MECHANICAL VOICE]
N-o means n-o.

Why doesn't he just
remove the chip

that makes me feel pain?

So, I sent out a signal
to my home planet zebulon

and waited for a response.

Could it be?

Could it be?

[THUMP]

[GASES HISSING]

Mommy? Pop-pop?

Son? Look at you.

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS]

[GAGS]

Pop-pop!

Nice to meet you, Mr. Hero.

I couldn't believe it.

After all this time,
I was with my parents.

Seems like all my
wishes are coming true.

Come on, big boy hair!

[CHOIR SINGING]

What the hell are y'all doing?!

You are supposed to be
on the suicide phones.

Doo-hoo! We found
something much more fun.

A dead, bloated frog
in the storm drain.

At first, we had a
tea party with it.

But now we're
worshipping it as a god.

Some poor fool with no
arms and legs called,

and now he's gonna off himself

if we don't stop him.

What are you, deaf?

We're playing with frog god.

Fine. Once again Foxxy gonna
have to clean up y'all's mess.

Frog god. Idiots.

Everybody know that salamander
Jesus is the only true god.

Finally my dreams of being
with my parents had come true.

We had to make up for
so much lost time.

♪ Soft music ♪
[BURPS]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Owie! Owie!

Ohh.

You are not going out
looking like that.

And take out that piercing!

I hate you! I hate you!

[CRYING]

[LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Ohh! Ohh!

[DRUNKEN BABBLING]

Huh? Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

♪ Will you hold me if I cry? ♪

Mommy...

I'm home.

♪ Sometimes I still
Miss my first love. ♪

I used all my
mystery-solving know how

to find that suicidal
no arms and legs guy.

Here, suicidal no
arms and legs guy!

Here, suicidal no
arms and legs guy!

But it wasn't working.

I was just about
to give up when...

TOOT: Looks like you
could use some help.

What are you guys doing here?

We realised that it wasn't right

to make you clean up our mess.

Plus frog god
dried up in the sun

and the neighbour's dog ate him.

We want to help you
find the suicidal guy,

and we know just how to do it.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC ENDS]

Hey, I know this guy. Me, too.

I can take you to him.

I am so proud of you guys.

Now let's go find
this four-stump chump.

Since you've been here,

I've enjoyed the best
montage of my life.

I... I love you, eema.

Oh, son, I love you, too.

Too much to keep lying to you.

And you deserve
to know the truth

about how you came to
be on planet earth.

Eema?

Hero comics?

Planet zebulon?

[CHUCKLES] That's
a good one, pops.

Eema, you had me aborted?

Ugh! [CAT YOWLS]

I hate you, mommy.
I hate you, pop-pop.

I wish I were never born!

Oh, baby. I know the feeling.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Come on, Captain Hero,

you're not the lamest
superhero ever.

Come out of the dumpster.

No. This is where my mommy
wanted me to be anyways.

Well, hey, what would
five for fighting do?

[HUMS SUPERMAN]

You're right.

Five for fighting wouldn't
sit in this dumpster

feeling sorry for themselves.

No! They would get
out of this dumpster

and prove to their
eemahote and their pop-pops

that they aren't lame!

That's the spirit.

The five for fighting spirit.

And I've got just the plan,

but I'll need your gay help.

[TONGUE SLURPING]

FOXXY: So we all met our
suicidal quadraphaligic Jeff.

We tried to show Jeff
live was worth living

by playing some fun games.

My name is Clara, and the animal

that best describes my
personality is a dove

because they sing
and they're white.

Now it's your turn, Jeff.

My life is an endless hell.

I spend all day laying
in bed soiling myself

while my home care nurse
burns me with cigarettes.

[SIGHS] A squirrel, I guess.

At that point, it became
obvious to all of us.

If somebody's life
is that terrible,

that pathetic,

then maybe death
is the only answer.

Jeff, listen,

if you want to end your pain,

we ain't gonna
stand in your way.

Oh, bless you. Bless you all.

Now, of course, I can't move,

so you must pull
the plug for me.

[ROPE CREAKS]

[WIND HOWLS]

Ohh.

Uhh!

What the...?

Don't fight me.

If I can light a
homeless girl on fire,

I can certainly stab you.

Help! Help!

We meet again, two-hands.

You're too late, Captain Hero.

You won't be able to stop
me and my 2 hands this time!

Ha! That's what you think.

Uhh! Oh, no!

My hands! Both of them!

I've got a new name
for you, two-hands.

Aah! Semicolon.

Jesus, hero!

Now that I've captured you,

lets find out who
you really are.

Xandir, you're...

Oh, yeah. I forgot it was you.

We set this whole thing up.

Mother fucker!

You said you wouldn't
really hurt me!

Captain Leslie hero,

you thought this would prove
you're not a lame superhero?

Mom, don't call me Leslie
in front of two-hands.

The doctor was right.
You are so lame!

I'm not lame!

[CRYING] Yes. Yes, you are!

Please, mom! Please
don't do that!

Don't be mean to me!

I'm not being mean to you.

You're just too lame to see it.

You don't know what I can do!

What I'm gonna do!
You don't know!

You don't know
what I'm gonna be!

I have good things
and you don't know it,

and I'm gonna be somebody
and don't tell me I'm not!

[SOBBING]

I'll show my eema.

I'll show her what I can do.

She told me zebulon
crashed into the sun,

well, zebulon, you think
you're so teeming with life?

We'll see how teeming
with life you are now!

Uhh! Uhh!

Oh, yeah!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Captain Hero, one.

Millions of innocent
zebulonian civilians...

Uh... oh. Dead.

Whoopsie-daisy.

[FOOTSTEPS SQUEAKING]

Can we do this?

We can agonise over
this decision for hours.

FOXXY: But ultimately we
realised we had no choice.

All right, let's do it.

Together now, on
the count of three.

[TOGETHER] 1, 2...

Freeze, deuce bags!

Uhh! Uhh!

Jeff, what you doin'?

My name isn't Jeff. My
real name is Jeffrey,

and I'm part of an
undercover sting unit

called the special
tactical operations unit

to catch people who
set up suicide hot lines

because of a reality
show challenge,

and then didn't follow
through on them,

so they caused the
people who needed them

to take their own lives,

and then they
changed their minds

when they realised not all
people should be forced to live,

so they try to assist
someone in euthanasia

or as we call it for short,

the s-t-o-u-t-c-p-w-

s-u-s-h-b-o-a-r-s-c-a-

t-d-f-t-o-t-s-t-c-t-p-w-

n-t-t-t-m-w-r-t-n-a-p-s-

b-f-t-l-s-t-t-t-a-s-I-e team.

Goddamn hotline.

I can't go back to jail.

[HYSTERICAL] I won't go back!

No!

Foxxy, take my gun and handcuffs

out of the drawer and
cuff these murderers.

Hold up, Jeffrey.

Now you ain't got no back up?

Are you kidding? This
place is surrounded.

Art's got my back.

Don't move, ass holes!

Matt's guarding the back door.

Yo!

And bob's covering the harbour.

Huh? Huh? Oh.

Ow!

This is so stupid.

It's like some retarded
third grader wrote this.

Now come on. Put
the handcuffs on.

I'm not joking.

All right, we just
gonna leave now.

You mean leave to walk

to the police station, right?

Tell 'em it was me!

Yeah, I'll get a promotion.

BOB: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ohh! Uhh!

What a stupid move
destroying zebulon.

Xandir, my eema was right.
I am lame.

I don't deserve any of
these medals and awards.

[CLANKING]

They're all dead!

Everyone I've ever
known is dead!

Eema, pop-pop, I guess
I should tell you...

Some ass hole destroyed
all of zebulon.

Who would do such
a terrible thing?

Who? Who?!

Yes, well, it's actually
a funny story about that.

Son, can we stay here with you?

You know, till we
find an apartment?

Oh, of course.

You'd do that after
what we did to you?

Mommy, you're my eema.

Nothing will ever change that.

Not even you aborting me.

Oh, son, I was wrong about you.

There are so many
definitions of a hero,

but for me,

someone who lifts you
up and gives you hope

when some dickhead throws
your planet into the sun,

that is a hero.

A super hero like Captain Hero.

CAPTAIN HERO: I had finally
gained my parents approval.

Oh, guys, this is
gonna be great.

The three of us living
together like a real family.

Oh, but don't tell my room-mates

you're staying here rent free.

Sure. We won't tell anybody.

Oh, I know you won't.

[DEEP VOICE] I know you won't.

[GROANS] [GROANS]

And now to erase your memories

of this entire conversation.

FOXXY: Hi, Captain Hero.

Aah! Oh, my god!

You got your big boy hair!

More Jews.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Brrriiing!

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[TOGETHER] Yup, yup, yup,
yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.