Doom Patrol (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Danny Patrol - full transcript

Previously on Doom Patrol...

You told me
I could say goodbye!

Chief!

What in the hell...

Cliff's having
a psychotic break.

I'm so angry!

Maybe Larry's not a hero.
But that thing inside him is.

Captain Trainor, once a
soldier, always a soldier.

What is this?

It's what Mr. Nobody
showed me in the donkey.

- You made this up.
- Who are you?



I'm the only one
here who can stand you.

Jane, don't leave. There's
nowhere to go from here but up.

Jane, I'm sorry.

Agent Wilson, the second
we get your signal, we're coming in hot.

You got your ticket to the freak show?

Yeah.

Good to go.

Don't catch anything.

You got this, Morris.

Let's tear it up.

He's new.

Who's the new hottie?

How bad it is, Agent?

Abnormal to a factor of what?



Stand by.

Talk to me, Morris.

Agent Wilson, what's your 20?

Agent Wilson?

Agent Wilson!

Go, go, go!
Let's go!

God damn it! Fuck!

You ever get a
rat stuck in you before?

- No.
- Do I smell?

- I'm worried I smell, and no one's telling me.
- You don't smell.

'Cause who the hell knows
what that frigging thing was doing

while it was inside me.

I just rewired your circuits and patched
up your nutrient tank. You're fine.

Shouldn't we at least just
spray a little Lysol in here,

maybe, you know,
hang an air freshener.

- Maybe you could light a candle...
- Cliff!

You think Jane's okay?

She's Jane. She's fine.

I gotta make
things right with her.

Okay, help me out here.

What part of her telling you
to F off last night, didn't land?

Hey, remember when you thought not cursing
would get you into the Justice League?

What's up your ass?

Oh, is it 'cause of Jane's
psycho killer painting of you,

where you killed us all?

- Shut up, Cliff.
- Yeah, that sucked.

If you're feeling any homicidal urges, just
gives us a little heads up, all right?

I said, shut up.

I'm gonna come for you.

Sir, he's awake.

What's going on?

Where am I?

Welcome to your new
base of operations, Captain Trainor.

I'm Agent Charles Forsythe,
DOD.

DOD?

Why are you...

You and I are going to accomplish
great things together, Captain.

The radioactive energy
within you is formidable.

We're gonna see if we can
find a way to harness it.

What the hell are you talking about?
I never agreed to any of this.

I'm afraid this
isn't negotiable, soldier.

- Your service is compulsory.
- Compulsory?

Hey! Hey!

Jesus.

Hey,
The Chief's still missing.

If you have any useful
information, leave it here.

If you don't, why the fuck
are you wasting my time?

Hey, guys, it's me.

Hope you're all doing okay. Rita, if you
get this, I have cute little thing...

Jane, hey, I'm glad you called.

Uh, I'm really sorry about
what I said last night.

That wasn't me.

I had a rat in my head.

It's okay. I get it. We all have
rats in our heads sometimes.

- Yeah. so, are we good?
- Oh, my God, totally.

It's cool beans.

Are you gonna
come home?

Hmm, wait. I'm sorry.
Who is this?

- Cliff.
- Oh, right, right! Hi, Cliff.

Listen, I gotta jam, okay?

Just let Rita know I'm having
a little thing tonight at Doug's place,

and I hope she can make it.

It'll be super chill.

- Whose place?
- Thanks so much, Cliffie. Heart you.

- Is she okay?
- I think.

She said everything was...

- "cool beans."
- "Cool beans"?

- Oh, God.
- What?

Whenever Jane is feeling
particularly low,

this one persona manifests

and runs off to some ridiculous
fantasy life she's created for herself.

She's by far the worst
of the 64.

Who?

Karen.

She's a love-struck psycho, stunted by her
obsession with rom-coms from the '90s.

If I had to guess,
I'd say she's on her way back

to her leading man right now.

Some milquetoast layabout
named Doug.

Go get 'em, girl.

She's broken up
with him about 1,000 times.

But somehow, she always manages
to win him back.

Stand under here
if you'd like.

No. No, no, no.

- Look, I'm not doing this again.
- Wait!

Wait. I'm so sorry I left.

I made a...

Whoa, hey, hey.

I'm sorry.
I make a terrible umbrella.

Doug, I know you have no reason
to take me back, and I can't guarantee

that things won't end up
the same way they did last time,

but the one thing I can guarantee
is that I'll love you forever.

What am I going to do with you?

Don't let Mr. Nobody
get in your head, Vic.

It's just a painting.

- Niles would know what to make of it.
- Yeah.

He would.

Danny Cakes. 178 Danny Street.
Springfield, Ohio.

There's no Danny Street
in Springfield.

According to this, there is.

And someone there
knows something about Niles.

Follow the cake, Vic.

Always follow the cake.

"Where's Niles?"
asked the cake shop.

That's not weird at all.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Have a nice time.

I'll be right with you, boys.

Could you tell us where...

Give it up for my Saucy
Songbirds, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes! Boys,

girls, and all those
in between.

Welcome to Peeping Tom's
Perpetual Cabaret.

I'm your host,
Maura Lee Karupt.

How y'all feeling?

What, are they shooting an
Ambien commercial in here?

Okay, well,
maybe this will cheer you up.

It appears we have
two new guests with us.

Oh, look at these two serving us
Terminator, King Tut realness, honey.

The word on the street is
that you're friends of Niles Caulder.

Who told you that?

- Danny did.
- Who's Danny?

Oh, child,
is your battery slow?

Danny is all around you.

Danny the Street.

Danny's on the street?

I think she's saying
Danny is a street.

The street's a "he"?

Danny's gender queer,
and they use non-binary pronouns.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Robo-boy doesn't understand
non-binary.

Let me see if I can explain it to you
in a language you can understand. Um...

01-001-110.

Make sense?

Just give me one second.

Trying to find
my middle finger emoji. It's...

Oh, this sweet little snack's
a bit salty.

I like it.

If you ever want to leave
Westworld and come live

with the Dannyzens,
you just let me know.

- The who?
- Danny travels all over the world,

picking up those of us who have
slipped through society's cracks.

We call ourselves
the Dannyzens.

Oh.

What?

Maybe I should let them
explain for themselves.

Go ahead.
Ask Danny a question.

Um, Danny, do you know
Niles Caulder?

So do we.

Niles is missing.

Oh, my God, yay!
Rita, you made it!

- Karen.
- Hey, Karen!

Cliffie, right?

So great to finally meet you
in person.

Jane's told me all about you.

Like what?

Oh, um...

- Seriously?
- Okay, so here's the sitch.

Doug's family just got in, and, well,
things are a little tense.

Can you just cut her
a little slack?

Jumping Christ
on a Pogo stick!

Listen, Karen and I
are in love.

And we're getting back together again.

- And that's that.
- Douglas, please.

- Since you were born...
- Nine hours of labor,

this woman screamed through
with you. Nine!

I swaddled you. I fed you with
these breasts. I loved you.

And I tried to give you everything, so
you could have the best life possible.

We came from miners,
God damn it!

Nothing to our name but coal!

And now, now, you're willing to throw
it all away on that trash witch whore.

Whoa, Mom. Whoa.

- Harsh.
- Right?

I need you to help me
lighten the mood.

What? No.
Why would I do that?

Duh, 'cause we're best friends.

No, we're not.

Oh, my God, Rita,
you're so weird. Come.

Um...

Oh. Sorry, Cliffie, I would totally
invite you in, but I really need tonight

- to go well.
- Oh.

And you're sort of weird
and creepy, so...

I just... I...
I just wanted to tell you,

to tell all of you, I'm sorry.

Uh-huh.

The street talks.

Of course the street talks.
Why wouldn't the street talk?

Well, donkey dimension, Decreator, group
therapy. Just ride the wave, Vic.

Hey.

We were hoping
that you could tell us.

That's
why we followed your cake.

Can I ask you why your street
is so empty?

Why?

Who's Darren Jones?

Extraordinary.

Tell me about Ellsworth.

I'm not
telling you anything.

How about Charleston
or Edwards?

Quite a few transfers
in such a short period of time.

It's not normal.

It seems you've struggled
with normalcy your entire life.

Fuck you.

Now you're concerned about
collateral damage? In Havana?

You wanted a contingency plan.
Here it is!

Good news,
Captain Trainor.

A new mission
has presented itself.

The Red Menace is knocking on our
door, not 100 miles from Miami.

Thousands of American lives
in the balance.

What the hell do you people
want from me?

It's not about what we want.
It's about what we're offering.

Your chance to serve
your country.

To be a real man.

Better than that,
your chance to be a hero.

Go to hell.

I'm going to need you
to go there for me, Captain.

Yo, Danny,
what's the Bureau of Normalcy?

It's a top secret government agency,
run by a bunch of demented zealots.

They stomp out anything
they deem to be aberrations.

And you know this how?

Why are they
after you, Danny?

All right now,
no need to get cheeky, Danny.

We can tell them
the whole story.

Couple of years back,

Darren Jones botched a
search-and-destroy mission on Danny.

Lost his partner
in the process.

What happened to him?

He became Maura Lee Karupt.

Karen,

are you sure getting back into this
relationship is the best idea?

Does Doug even know
about your situation?

Okay, I know I can be
a lot sometimes.

But Doug and I have a real chance
of actually being happy together.

Shouldn't we at least try?

Even though you both make me
want to vomit into my purse,

I can admit that you make
a cute-ish couple.

Come here.

Come here.

Yeah.

- God, you're such a fucking sap!
- Hammerhead.

- What are you doing...
- Shut up!

It wasn't easy yanking that twat
off the fucking driver's seat,

so I have to make this quick.
Get us the fuck out of here, now!

Do it yourself!
Or make Jane do it.

Jane's not around. How do you think
we got stuck with Basic Bitch Barbie!

Well, where is she?

Don't worry about Jane, okay?

Worry about Karen.
She's dangerous.

And the more people indulge this
Nora Ephron bullshit of hers,

the harder it is
to make her let go.

She's just wants to be happy.

- Is that so wrong?
- Give me a fuckin' break, okay?

She has that walking
half-chub Doug

under her weird
little fucking love spell.

Love spell?

I swear to God, Rita, if that dick
gets anywhere near my fucking bush,

I'm gonna fucking kill you, okay? And
if I get fucked, you get fucked. Hmm.

Can we go back to the part
about Karen's love spell?

Mmm, whatever you do, don't
fall for that fucking bitch's...

Dougie?

- Yeah?
- You want another beer?

Thanks, hon.

- Karen.
- Hmm.

I want nothing more
than for you to be happy.

Really, I do,
but maybe just slow down.

You're right.
I totally hear you.

Douglas Jay Calhoon.

Yeah.

I can't go another day
without being your wife.

Would you do me the honor
of becoming my husband?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's it! That's it!

No, I can't, I can't do this.

Douglas, you cannot
marry this woman!

- Mom.
- No, I have to say this.

She just waltzes in your life.
She tears it to shreds.

And then she breezes out
whenever it suits her.

Dude, she's a ticking
time bomb.

Stay out of this, Mick.

The last time she left, you wouldn't
get out of bed for six months!

If you marry Karen,
then that's it. We're done.

Whoa.

Do you all feel this way?

- Dougie...
- Hmm?

don't choose
between me and your family.

Just choose love.

- Yes. Yes! A thousand times yes.
- Oh, my God.

- I love you so much.
- No, no, no! For fucking Christ's sake.

Congratulations!

Guys! It's about time.

Oh, yes! What?

A toast!

Karen, the day you came
into our lives...

You're everything
I hoped my son...

- Oh! Don't you start now.
- I can't even...

All right,
let's have a drink, yeah?

Okay.

Punk.

Do those people out there have
any idea who you used to work for?

I tired to tell them, but I...

I can't.

I'm not a bad person.

You work for the Bureau
of Normalcy.

I know exactly what kind
of person you are.

You don't know
a damn thing about me.

For a long time,
neither did I.

I was supposed to
hate this place.

Working for the Bureau, you're supposed
to hate anything that's abnormal.

But I couldn't.

Something about Danny
felt right.

It felt like home.

A weight had been
lifted off me.

How bad it is, Agent?

Abnormal to a factor of what?

Stand by.

I felt lighter.

Like I was more of myself
than I had ever been.

Agent Wilson,
what do you see?

Agent Wilson.

Agent Wilson.

And that's when
Maura Lee Karupt was born.

My drag name was my own
personal "fuck you" to the Bureau.

I knew then I couldn't let
any harm come to this place.

So I tipped Danny off.

And they were able to jump
before Darren could attack.

Yes, Danny can jump.

Anywhere around the world,

which is a helpful thing,
because Darren's obsessed.

He's been
following us ever since.

He just won't let it go.

The Bureau never does.

Danny is supposed to be
a safe haven for people like us.

But nobody feels safe
here anymore.

It's not right.

No one should ever have to feel
uncomfortable in their own skin.

I don't know how much longer
we can keep this up.

They all seem
pretty happy to me.

Trust me,
those people are scared.

But, still, they show up with
a brave face and come anyway.

- Why?
- For Danny.

It's a perpetual cabaret
for a reason.

This street thrives
on the Dannyzens' happiness.

We keep the party going,
we keep Danny going.

But we're running on fumes.

If the party stops...

Then Danny's heart stops right
along with it. And they win.

The Bureau of Normalcy.

"Normal" ain't nothing
but a state of mind.

We need
to help these people.

We don't need
to do anything.

Man, look at this place!

And you seriously want
to run away, again?

I don't need to
justify myself to you.

If I have to bow out
of this one, then I'll bow out.

I'm not going up
against the Bureau.

What the hell's going on
with you, man?

What did those people
do to you?

Just forget it.

Man, I thought you was done with the
whole Cowardly Lion routine, huh?

Aren't you sick
of being that guy?

And what kind
of guy are you, Vic?

You're a hero, right?

Maybe you could teach me
to be more like you.

Or maybe, maybe, Mr. Nobody
was onto something.

Should I buy my cape before or after
I kill my family and friends?

If you want to bail,
then bail.

I'm done trying to
stiffen your spine.

Good. 'Cause I'm done letting
other people tell me who I am.

I underestimated you, Captain.

I thought you were nothing but a
degenerate radioactive flyboy.

But it seems you are
so much more.

What happened?

What the hell is that?

That, Captain Trainor,
is what's really inside you.

That is who you really are.

I do. I do. I do.
I do. I do. I do.

Hey, Ri-Ri.

I understand
that you love Doug,

but we all know you're just
going to end up leaving him again.

What? No.

Dougie and I are endgame.

I don't know what that means. I just
know that it's youthful and irritating.

It means me and Doug are going
to be together forever.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Karen,
cut the shit!

That man and his family don't
have a say in what's happening.

What you're doing is wrong.

What am I doing?

Your little spell.

Oh, whatever.

Dough's love for you
isn't real.

Yes, it is!

Why are you being
so extra right now, ugh!

Then prove it.

If your love is real,
then break the spell.

You know what, Rita?

Why don't you crawl out of
my ass and go fuck yourself?

Excuse me.

Don't put your shit on me

just because your life is like
Grey Gardens level pathetic.

If your goal is to be
a walking cautionary tale,

well, congrats,
consider me cautioned.

I will do everything in my power to never
end up like you, a sad, tired old crone

who is so ridiculously past her
prime, she doesn't even know it.

Believe me, I know it.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

That is... That is totally
the stress talking.

- Hmm.
- Honey, it's just that

today is a special day, and
we really need to get ready.

Okay?

- Ready?
- Mmm-hmm.

For what?

Really, dude,
is that all you got?

Think you can do better?

I've seen Flashdance 87 times.
What do you think?

Okay, kittens.

It's time for karaoke.

Oh, hey, mommy dearest.

All new comers are welcome.

There's a price of admission.

You gotta sing, baby.

I don't sing.

Well, we have to keep
this party popping, okay?

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

Then get up there.

"We come into
this world unknown,

but know
that we are not alone.

They try to knock us down,

but change is coming.

It's our time now."

I don't sing.

Grid,
proceed on auto-search.

Expand the radius
another two blocks.

Let me know
if you find anything.

Thought you were
bowing out.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

Then you better hurry.

'Cause nobody takes
their bow after me.

- What are you doing?
- Danny can't go on living like this.

And I can't risk what
will happen if they do.

It's time for me to go back
and fix the mess I've made.

How?

I'm going back to the Bureau.

Back to my old life.

It's the only way, Danny.

If I go back, I can
throw 'em off your scent.

I can say
I was deep undercover,

tell them it took me a while,
but I finally rid the world

of the abomination that is
Danny the Street.

I promise I'll give a better
performance than this one.

You can't go back
to that place.

If they get so much as a whiff
of who you really are, they'll...

I don't care.

As long as
everyone here is safe,

I'll be okay.

Thanks for letting me stay
over the rainbow, Danny.

It's the Bureau.

They're here.

Okay, Danny,
I'm gonna start walking.

The second I step off
the end of the block,

you jump.
I'll cover you, okay?

What?

I gotta say,
I'm with the street.

So then what do we do?

Let's turn the party, girl.

You in?

Look alive, gentlemen.

Jesus, look
at this human trash here.

You know, Darren,

men as old as you
really shouldn't throw shade.

You might hurt your back.

Morris?

My God!

What the hell has
this abomination done to you?

Danny didn't do anything,
except help me realize who I am.

What? No.

No, this is not who your are,
Morris. You're a man.

- This place, these people are...
- No.

You don't get to tell me or anyone
else who they are ever again.

I am proud of the person
I see in the mirror.

My face is beat. My look is flawless,
and I am dusted from head to toe.

The only thing I am not
is scared of you.

Fan out, boys!

I said...

Thanks, Danny.

You fucking freak.

Fabulosity incarnate
stands before you, Darren.

Show some goddamn respect.

Like hell I will.

Didn't your mama tell you?

Never lay your hands
on a woman.

Go home, Darren.

And don't ever come back
here again.

You go back to the Bureau,

and you tell them Danny
the Street is off limits.

Maybe I'll put you
on our list instead.

I'm already on it.

Tell them Captain Trainor sends his best.

Every time,
the dream is the same.

Somebody's welding me,
except when the mask come up,

it's Jennifer Beals.

Whoa.

Who?

Bro...

What does it have to do
with the rat in your head?

Cliff, thank heavens
you're still out here.

Jane wants to see you
right away.

Keep it real, kid.

No, it's no problem.

I'm happy to help.

Me, too.

You never told us
how you know each other.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just, I could really use
the Chief's help right now.

I'm scared.

I'm scared we may
never get him back.

And I'm scared
what might happen if we don't.

This may be a long shot, and I
know Niles has his secrets,

but if you could
tell us anything

that could possibly help us figure out what
Mr. Nobody's done with the Chief, then...

Yeah. That's who took Niles.

Please, Danny.

I'm begging you.

We need him.

Was I that bad?

Oh.

All right, open them.

What do you think, Cliffie?

Uh, what the ever
living shit is happening?

Dougie and I
are getting married.

Now?

When you know it's right,
why wait?

Uh-huh, where's Jane?

Jane means a lot to you,
doesn't she?

I can tell by the way
she talks about you,

that you mean
a lot to her, too.

And I was thinking

this wouldn't be
a real wedding

without someone to
walk me down the aisle.

And, well, I know I'm not
a cool, manic pixie dream girl

like Jane is, but...

Cliff,

would you give me away?

What, are you
fucking nuts?

Come on, this is the most
important day of my life.

What do you say?

You have incredibly
psychotic eyes.

Ugh, just forget it.

This is crazy, Karen.
You can't marry this guy.

"Crazy"? It's what I want.

And what about
what Jane wants?

Just back off, Cliff.

Babe, you okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Holy shit!

A robot for our wedding!

- How cool.
- Back off, Dermot Mulroney.

Whoa, chillax, asshole.

- Oh.
- I think what you meant was...

Doug, oh, my God!

Just leave us alone.

No. I have no idea
what the hell's going on here,

but I'm not letting you
go through with this.

Not unless I know
that Jane's okay with it.

- Okay, we're leaving.
- What are you doing?

Let me go!
You... Just let me go!

You have no right to do this!

Don't fucking touch me!

I asked you people
to do one fucking thing!

Sorry, Dougie, wedding's off.

No!

Oh, Dougie, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.
I would never hurt you.

Never hurt you.
I'm so sorry. I... I...

Help me!

No! Dougie!
Dougie, it's okay.

Hold on. It's okay.

I'm still here.
I'm still here.

Let go of me,
you motherfuckers!

Jane?
Jane, are you in there?

Jane? Hey, Jane?

I'm sorry, Jane.

Hey, it's me.

Jane! Come on, Jane.

Jane.

Jane.