Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 16 - Air Doogie - full transcript

Doogie, realizing that he has no athletic skills, fakes an injury so he doesn't have to play in an exhibition basketball game against a rival hospital. Raymond tries overly hard to impress a woman staying at the hospital, even though she has no interest in him.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT A VIOLENT MAN BY NATURE.

I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING
EVEN-TEMPERED, ALMOST TO A FAULT.

BUT THIS DISPLAY

OF CHILDISH VANDALISM

TRIGGERS AN EMOTION
IN ME I'M FINDING

VERY DIFFICULT TO CONTROL.

HEALTHY ATHLETIC COMPETITION

IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOUGHT
ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE...

FOUGHT WITH HONOR AND DIGNITY,

NOT THROUGH PETTY
ACTS OF PROVOCATION



UNBEFITTING THE
MEDICAL PROFESSION.

- HE'S TAKING THIS GAME
AWFULLY SERIOUS.
- SHH!

TYPE OF BEHAVIOR,

BUT THE INTEGRITY OF THIS
HOSPITAL HAS BEEN CHALLENGED.

AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S TIME TO MEET
THAT CHALLENGE.

- IT'S TIME TO
AVENGE THE PAST.
- (all clamoring)

IT'S TIME TO KICK
SOME SERIOUS... BEHIND.

(all whooping)

SO, DOCTORS, SIGN UP NOW.

UH, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

HEY, DOOG, SIGN UP FIRST.

SIGN UP? UM, I'D LOVE TO,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I
HAVE PLANS THIS SATURDAY.



COME ON, HOWSER. YOU GOT TO
BE CLOSE TO SIX FOOT THIS YEAR.

- McGuire: YEAH.
- WE COULD USE YOUR HEIGHT.

OH, I'M SURE YOU'LL
GET PLENTY OF GUYS.

DOOGIE, YOU KNOW THIS IS A DOCTORS-ONLY
GAME. WE NEVER HAVE ENOUGH GUYS.

WOULD YOU TWO LEAVE HIM ALONE?
HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY.

WELL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT...

BESIDES, YOU CAN'T JUST
ASSUME BECAUSE HE'S TALLER,

HE CAN SUDDENLY PLAY.

I CAN PLAY. I JUST HAVE
A PRIOR COMMITMENT.

MAYBE CURLY'S RIGHT. IF
HE'S NO GOOD, HE'S NO GOOD.

I SAID I CAN PLAY.

- YOU CAN'T PLAY.
- OH, COME ON, I'M NOT THAT BAD.

TRUST ME. I'M YOUR BEST
FRIEND. I'VE SEEN YOU PLAY.

YOUR ABILITIES HAVE WHAT I WOULD
DESCRIBE AS... A DISTINCT ODOR.

(chuckles) COME ON. I CAN
SHOOT, I CAN DRIBBLE, I CAN PASS.

ALL RIGHT, I MIGHT NOT BE
ABLE TO BEAT DR. J, BUT...

HOWSER, PLEASE. YOU
COULDN'T BEAT DR. SEUSS.

LOOK,

I REALIZE I'M NOT A
GENIUS OF YOUR CALIBER,

BUT EVEN I'M NOT DUMB
ENOUGH TO ENTER A SITUATION

WHERE I KNOW I'M
GONNA BE HUMILIATED.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D BE
WEASELING OUT OF THIS THING.

I JUST NEED TO PRACTICE A
LITTLE BIT. SO PLAY ME, ONE-ON-ONE.

OH, GREAT. FORGET IT.

I'M NOT INTO SWEATING
AND HEAVY BREATHING,

UNLESS THERE'S A WOMAN INVOLVED.

COME ON, ONE GAME TO TEN.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M TELLING YA,

I HATE THIS GAME.

(“Sweet Georgia Brown” playing)

BLOCK!

(chuckling)

YES!

NO!

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GAME. HAPPY?

(theme music playing)

RAY, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE
MISS ANDREWS TO ROOM 428?

SURE.

ACTUALLY, IT WOULD BE MY
EXCEEDINGLY FINE PLEASURE.

WELCOME TO THE HOTEL EASTMAN.

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE RESIDING

IN THE RAYMOND
B. ALEXANDER WING.

THE BEST ACCOMMODATIONS AND...

(chuckles) SERVICE WITH A SMILE.

- SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE RAYMOND.
- UH! THE ONE AND ONLY.

- ALLOW ME.
- NO, THAT'S OKAY. I CAN DO IT.

THANK YOU.

OKAY. GOT YOUR BATHROOM HERE.

THESE DRAWERS
ARE FOR YOUR STUFF.

AND, UH,

WITH THIS SWITCH,
YOU CAN REACH ME

24 HOURS A DAY OR NIGHT.

I'M, UH, VERY AVAILABLE.

LOOK, I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU.

I'M SURE YOU'RE A
NICE GUY AND ALL,

BUT I'M HERE TO HAVE SURGERY
ON MY LEG, AND THAT'S IT.

- OKAY?
- OKAY.

OKAY. YOU'RE THE PATIENT.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,
THE WOMAN DIGS ME.

SHE PRACTICALLY BEGGED
FOR MY PHONE NUMBER.

- MM-HMM.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- YO, WHAT'S HAPPENING, GUY?
- NOT MUCH. ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT TRISH ANDREWS?

I, UH, MIGHT BE.

SHE'S PRETTY CUTE.
DOES SHE LIKE YOU?

THE WOMAN SAYS SHE DIGS
THE WAY I WEAR A UNIFORM.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

RAY, SHE ONLY CHECKED IN THIS
MORNING. HOW WELL COULD SHE KNOW YOU?

IT'S CALLED ANIMAL
MAGNETISM, HAPPENS IN A FLASH.

- AH.
- YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

SO MANY WOMEN, SO LITTLE TIME.

FIVE STITCHES. I
STILL HAVE THE SCAR.

THAT JERK DOWNING THROWS ONE
ELBOW THIS YEAR, I'M TAKING HIM DOWN.

- GO FOR THE KNEES.
- NOW, THAT'S A MATURE
APPROACH, RON.

COME ON, CURLY. IT'S ALL IN FUN.

“FUN”? IT'S A WONDER NOBODY'S
GOTTEN KILLED THE WAY YOU ALL PLAY.

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE A WOMAN.
THIS IS A GUY THING.

OH, I SEE. “THIS
IS A GUY THING.”

A BUNCH OF OVER-THE-HILL
30-YEAR-OLD MEN

TRYING TO RE-LIVE THEIR YOUTH
IN A PRIMITIVE BONDING RITUAL.

YEAH. THAT'S ACCURATE.

- HUH.
- Ron: MM-HMM. UH, DOOG,

WE GOT YOU DOWN AT SMALL
FORWARD. HOW'S THAT SOUND?

GREAT. UM, LOOK, I DON'T
WANT TO BE A JERK HERE,

BUT I'M KIND OF CONCERNED
ABOUT MY PLAYING TIME.

I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GOT
WERNICK, LEWIS, KELLY AND WALLACE.

I'D HATE TO THINK I WAS GONNA PRACTICE
ALL WEEK AND THEN NOT EVEN PLAY.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA PLAY.
- NO, BUT IF WE'RE JUST
TALKING FOUR OR FIVE MINUTES,

I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS
TO DO WITH MY TIME.

NO, DOOGIE. YOU'RE GONNA PLAY.

- LEWIS AND KELLY ARE OUT.
- WHAT?

MAYBE HE SHOULD START.

McGuire: YEAH, WE'LL START YOU,
ME, HOWSER, ROGANOFF AND WALLACE.

WITH THE GALL BLADDER REMOVED,

LET'S MOVE AHEAD AND
EXPLORE THE COMMON BILE DUCT.

SO DR. McGUIRE, BEN
CANFIELD TELLS ME

THAT HE'S AWFULLY EXCITED
ABOUT OUR CHANCES THIS YEAR.

WELL, SIR, WE'LL KNOW MORE
AFTER OUR FIRST PRACTICE TONIGHT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT WE MAY HAVE A
SECRET WEAPON OUT ON THE COURT SATURDAY.

BOY, I SURE WISH I COULD
BE OUT THERE WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, I WAS QUITE
A PLAYER IN MY DAY.

BUT BASKETBALL IS
A YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

Julius Erving's voice: WHEN I RETIRED
FROM THE '76ers, I KNEW IT WAS TIME

TO LET GUYS LIKE CHARLES
BARKLEY TAKE OVER.

CAN I HAVE SOME
WATER, PLEASE, NURSE?

- THANK YOU.
- JULIUS ERVING?

WHY DO YOU THINK
THEY CALL ME DR. J?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I'M NOT REALLY
HERE. I'M JUST A

SUBCONSCIOUS MANIFESTATION
OF YOUR ALTER EGO.

YOU'RE A SIX-FOOT-SIX
FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION?

- YEAH.
- OH. THAT'S COOL.

HOWSER, WORD IS
AROUND THE LEAGUE THAT

YOU HAVE YOUR DOUBTS
ABOUT PLAYING IN THIS GAME.

- SUTURE.
- YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT.

WELL, YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU USED TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT FIRST KISS FROM WANDA?

HOW'D THAT TURN OUT?

GOOD. REAL GOOD.

WELL, THAT'S THE KEY. YOU JUST
HAVE TO HAVE CONFIDENCE, KID.

DOOGIE, EVERY SUCCESSFUL ATHLETE

BELIEVES THAT HE CAN
WIN EVERY TIME OUT.

HE DOESN'T THINK ABOUT QUITTING.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A QUITTER.

NO, DR. J, I'M NOT.

I'M GONNA PLAY.

I'M GONNA PLAY!

EXCUSE ME?

SCISSORS.

ALL RIGHT. STRETCH IT
OUT GOOD, GENTLEMEN.

WE CAN'T AFFORD
ANY HAMSTRING TEARS.

- Man: CHECK IT OUT.
- GOOD EVENING, BEN, LADIES.

SAVE IT, WILL YA? IF YOU DON'T
MIND, THIS IS A CLOSED PRACTICE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

OH, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO
ST. MICHAEL'S NEWEST RESIDENT.

THIS IS DR. MARK HILL. HE
JUST GRADUATED FROM DUKE.

PASSED UP A CHANCE
TO PLAY BALL IN ITALY.

(men murmuring)

WE'RE ALL IMPRESSED.
NOW, GIVE US THE BALL, PAL.

(blows whistle)

OKAY, GUYS, LAY-UPS.

(men chattering)

Vinnie's voice, echoing: WHO ARE YOU
FOOLIN', HOWSER? YOU CAN'T PLAY.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D BE
WEASELING OUT OF THIS GAME.

- (groaning)
- WHOA, HOWSER, WHAT HAPPENED?

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- WATCH IT! (groaning)

- WHAT'S THE MATTER.
- OW, MY ANKLE.

- JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
- OKAY, I'M...

- NO, DON'T TRY TO GET UP.
- OH!

- (groaning)
- COME ON, LET'S ELEVATE IT.

HOW'S THE ANKLE, DOOG?

OH, IT'S NOT TOO BAD. JUST A
SPRAIN. LOOKS A LOT WORSE THAN IT IS.

WE REALLY COULD HAVE USED YOU.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE
WAY IT GOES, I GUESS.

I AM REAL DISAPPOINTED.

ROOM SERVICE.

- HI.
- GOOD EVENING, MISS ANDREWS.

MY, YOU HAVE SOME
FINE-LOOKING TOES.

GIVE IT A REST, RAYMOND.

I THOUGHT DINNER
WAS AT 6:00. I'M STARVED!

WELL, YOU'RE IN
FOR A SPECIAL TREAT.

(romantic music
playing on stereo)

I SAVED YOUR ROOM FOR LAST.

ME AND YOU

ARE DINING TOGETHER.

LISTEN,

I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED
IN HAVING DINNER WITH YOU.

I KNOW.

BUT, YOU SEE,

RAYMOND ALEXANDER

IS NOT THE KIND OF MAN WHO
TAKES “NO” FOR AN ANSWER.

YOU JUST GOT TO GIVE US A
CHANCE TO GET MORE COMFORTABLE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS
IS? CLUB MED OR SOMETHING?

HOW MUCH MORE
CLEAR CAN I MAKE IT?

YOU'VE BEEN HITTING ON ME
FROM THE MOMENT I CAME IN HERE.

NOW, GIVE IT A REST.

I'M NOT THE SLIGHTEST
BIT INTERESTED IN YOU.

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

HEY, DOOG. STAY OFF THAT LEG.

THANKS.

(whispering) OH, MAN!

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

UH, THIS ISN'T
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IS
YOU FAKING AN INJURY.

OKAY, I'M FAKING AN INJURY.

I JUST CAN'T PLAY IN THIS GAME.

MAYBE THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT WAY OUT, BUT
I'M NOT GONNA DO SOMETHING I'M NO GOOD AT.

YO, NICE ROLE MODEL, MAN.

PUSH ME TO BECOME
THE BETTER ORDERLY,

BUT THE MINUTE YOU'RE NO
GOOD AT SOMETHING, YOU BAIL.

I GUESS YOU JUST
TALK A BIG GAME, HUH?

WELL, EXCUSE ME, MR. “SO
MANY WOMEN, SO LITTLE TIME.”

- WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- IT MEANS I OVERHEARD

A LITTLE OF YOUR CONVERSATION
WITH TRISH ANDREWS TONIGHT.

OH. WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU KNOW I
HAD TO BREAK THE BAD NEWS TO HER.

I CAN'T BE MIXING BUSINESS WITH
PLEASURE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GIRLS CAN GET NASTY WHEN
YOU BREAK THEIR HEART.

GIVE IT UP, RAY. YOU'VE
BEEN LYING TO EVERYONE.

HEY, I HAVEN'T BEEN LYING.
MAYBE EXAGGERATING A LITTLE.

A LITTLE? SHE DOESN'T WANT TO
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU,

AND YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
LUTHER VANDROSS AROUND HER.

AT LEAST I'M NOT BUSY WIMPING
OUT OF A LITTLE BASKETBALL GAME

BECAUSE I'M AFRAID
OF LOOKING LIKE A FOOL.

NO, YOU'RE JUST ACTING LIKE A
FOOL AND REMOVING ALL DOUBT.

(door opens, shuts)

- (whistle blows)
- (all clamoring)

ARE YOU BLIND, REF? THAT'S A
TERRIBLE CALL! YOU'RE KILLING US HERE!

- (people cheering)
- (horn sounds)

- (whistle blows)
- FOUL! 51, YOU GOT HIM.

(Curly shouting)

GET 'EM, JACK!

- (whistle blows)
- 24 WHITE, YOU GOT HIM
ON THE SHOT.

- WHAT?
- (booing)

IT'S ONLY HIS SECOND FOUL.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA NEED YOU.

'COURSE, THERE'S
PLENTY OF TIME LEFT.

Man over P.A.: Time
out, St. Michaels.

Score: Eastman,
58, St. Michael's, 53.

- (horn sounds)
- (chattering)

NOT ANOTHER GUY! WHERE
YOU GOIN', "ROGOFF"?

YOU GOT 15 POINTS!

IT'S ONLY A LITTLE CUT!

I GOT MONEY ON THIS GAME.

GET YOUR GUYS IN LINE.
LET'S PLAY. BLUE BALL.

(whistle blows)

SIX MINUTES LEFT, YOU'RE
DOWN TO YOUR LAST FIVE GUYS.

LOSE ANOTHER PLAYER
AND YOUR TEAM FORFEITS.

BOY, ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

(whistle blowing)

WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

YOU'RE UP FOUR WITH A MINUTE
LEFT. GAME'S IN THE BAG, ISN'T IT?

- TELL ME IT'S IN THE BAG, DOOG!
- (McGuire groaning)

I THINK IT'S MY HAMSTRING.

- TIME OUT, REF.
- HOW BAD IS IT, JACK?

- I CAN MAKE IT.
- HE CAN MAKE IT!

- HE CAN MAKE IT!
- NO, NO, NO. FORGET IT.

I'M NOT GONNA RISK
ANY SERIOUS INJURY.

DR. CANFIELD, WE CAN'T
PLAY WITH FOUR GUYS.

WE'D HAVE TO FORFEIT THE GAME!

SO BE IT.

HEY, MAYBE DOOGIE CAN PLAY.

OH, WAIT. DOOGIE CAN'T
PLAY. HE'S GOT A BAD LEG.

SHOW 'EM YOUR BAD LEG, DOOG.

- GO AHEAD, LIMP A LITTLE.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH ALREADY.

REF, LOOK, WE GOT FOUR
GUYS LEFT. WHAT'S THE STORY?

Referee: CAN'T PLAY WITH FOUR.
RULE STATES YOU GOTTA HAVE FIVE.

- Canfield: OH, COME ON!
- Man: WE GOT LESS THAN
A MINUTE LEFT!

- THOSE ARE THE RULES, FELLAS.
- I'LL PLAY.

- YEAH, DOOGIE!
- GO-O-O, EASTMAN!

Vinnie: TWENTY-FIVE
SECONDS LEFT!

PLAY FOR THE LAST SHOT!
WORK FOR THE LAST SHOT!

SORRY, COACH.

WORK FOR THE LAST SHOT!
WORK FOR THE LAST SHOT!

Crowd chanting: DEFENSE!
DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE!

(chanting continues)

- (groans)
- (whistle blowing)

THAT'S A CHARGE. IT'S AFTER THE
SHOT, SO WE'RE SHOOTING FREE THROWS.

- NUMBER 2,
YOU'RE THE SHOOTER.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

GREAT. HEY, HOWSER!

- DID HE SAY I WAS SHOOTING?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH.

THE GAME'S OVER, DOOG.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MAKE ONE,

AND WE WIN.

- YOU GOT TWO SHOTS.
- Man: WE JUST NEED ONE!

(people shouting encouragement)

ONE MORE.

YOU CAN MAKE IT, HOWSER.

WHAT GAME HAVE
YOU BEEN WATCHING?

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN
SURGERY AND YOU GET THAT FEELING

YOU CAN DO NO WRONG?

LIKE YOU COULD JUST CLOSE
YOUR EYES AND MAKE IT HAPPEN?

WELL, FIND THAT ZONE.

ANYTHING ELSE?

YEAH. SHOOT FOR
THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE.

(laughing, jeering)

(people cheering,
clapping rhythmically)

- (knock at door)
- COME IN.

- HI.
- WHAT IS IT?

LOOK, THIS'LL ONLY
TAKE A SECOND,

AND THEN YOU CAN
KICK ME OUT AGAIN.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN COMING ON LIKE A
PIT BULL FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS,

BUT... THAT WASN'T REALLY ME.

I MEAN, IT WAS, BUT...

SEE, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THE DUDES
I USED TO HANG WITH TREATED WOMEN.

I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS,

I REALIZE NOW

THAT I WAS PUTTING ON THIS
MACHO ACT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID...

AFRAID THE REAL ME WOULD

COME OFF LOOKING LIKE A FOOL,

WHICH I GUESS I DID AFTER ALL.

ANYWAY, I'M SORRY.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- HEY.

NOW, I LIKE THIS GUY A LOT MORE.

(keyboard clacking)

(people cheering,
clapping rhythmically)

(cheering wildly)

People chanting: DOOGIE!
DOOGIE! DOOGIE! DOOGIE!

- YEAH!
- (chanting continues)

HEY, HOWSER. CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS. I STILL CAN'T
BELIEVE I MADE THAT SHOT.

MAKING THAT SHOT WASN'T THE
IMPORTANT THING. YOU PLAYED.

(theme music playing)

(orchestra playing
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons")

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