Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - Doogenstein - full transcript

After having an eerie dream where he is attacked by Frankenstein, Doogie goes to a psychiatrist and realizes that he is missing out on his life because of his job.

IGOR! IGOR!

YES, DR. DOOGENSTEIN.

- I'M READY FOR THE BRAIN.
- NO PROBLEM.

I WASN'T USING IT ANYWAY.

QUICKLY! WE MUST INSTALL IT
WHILE THE STORM IS AT IT'S ZENITH.

UGH...

THIS IS REALLY SCUZZY.

NO ONE SAID DEALING WITH THE
UNDEAD WAS GOING TO BE TIDY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

DOC, DO ME A FAVOR.

SCRATCH MY HUMP.



HIGHER! HIGHER!

HARDER! HARDER!

- WHOA, YEAH!
- THERE.

NOW HURRY!

- JUMP IN ANY TIME.
- OH...

PUSH, IGOR.

PUSH!

MAN, NOW I GOT FRONTAL LOBE
STUCK ALL UNDER MY FINGERNAILS.

IT'S TIME.

IGOR...

IT'S THE MOMENT OF MY CREATION.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S ALIVE.

IT'S ALIVE.



IT'S ALIVE!

ALIVE!

AND THEN I WAKE UP.

THE SAME DREAM, OVER AND OVER.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOC? DO YOU THINK
THIS DREAM HAS ANY SIGNIFICANCE AT ALL?

- Man: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- Doogie: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHRINKS.

Man: SO, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE

DOOGIE'S STATE OF MIND
OVER THE PAST YEAR?

EXTREMELY HEALTHY.

HE'S A REMARKABLY STABLE

AND A WELL ADJUSTED YOUNG MAN.

HE'S A HAPPY BOY.

A MOTHER'S DELIGHT.

HORNY.

YEAH, VINNIE WOULD SAY THAT.

Man: WELL...?

WAIT A MINUTE.

IS MY SEX LIFE REALLY RELEVANT

TO A STUDY OF CHILD PRODIGIES?

YES.

I'M CHARTING YOUR INTELLECTUAL,

EMOTIONAL, AND
SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT.

WELL, MY SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT
IS JUST BITCHIN', THANK YOU.

WRITE THAT DOWN.

I'M WRITING IT.

STILL...

A VIRGIN.

BY CHOICE, BY CHOICE.

I TURNED DOWN A CHANCE TO
HAVE SEX THREE TIMES LAST YEAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WRITE THAT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, DR. GREENBERG,

YOUR QUESTIONS WERE A
LOT LESS EMBARRASSING

WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD.

WELL, YOU ONLY HAVE TO PUT
UP WITH ME FOR ONE MORE YEAR.

SO...

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A
THIRD YEAR RESIDENT NOW.

YEAH, THEY'VE LOADED UP
SOME NEW RESPONSIBILITIES.

LIKE, I'M SUPERVISING INTERNS.

I MEAN, I'M IN CHARGE OF PEOPLE
WHO ARE 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME,

WHICH CAN BE A LITTLE
WEIRD SOMETIMES.

SO YOU FEEL OVERWORKED?

ALL THIRD YEAR RESIDENTS
FEEL OVERWORKED.

BUT YOU'RE ONLY 17.

HEY, I CAN HANDLE IT. I
STILL HAVE TIME TO BE A KID.

I MAKE AMPLE OPPORTUNITY

FOR SATISFACTORY
SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

WITH MY PEERS.

I LIKE THAT. YOU CAN
WRITE THAT DOWN TOO.

LIKE LAST NIGHT... VINNIE WAS
HANGING AROUND THE ROOM...

COME ON, MEASURE ME.

I REFUSE TO ENTER COLLEGE
AT MY PRESENT STATURE.

I DON'T THINK THE TERM
"BIG MAN ON CAMPUS"

IS EVER GOING TO
APPLY TO YOU, SQUIRT.

UH... 63...

AND A QUARTER INCHES.

YES. NOT ONLY DOES
THIS MAKE ME TALLER,

BUT I CAN LOOK UP YOUR SKIRT.

ONE MORE YEAR OF HIGH
SCHOOL, AND THEN COLLEGE.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- I KNOW WHERE I WANNA GO.

- SAN DIEGO STATE.
- NOTORIOUS PARTY SCHOOL.

Janine: DOOGIE, WHEN YOU WENT TO
COLLEGE, WERE YOU IN A FRATERNITY?

OH YES, SINCE I WAS ONLY EIGHT.

I JOINED A FRATERNITY WHERE ALL
THE GUYS WORE PAJAMAS WITH FEET.

ALL I KNOW IS, MY
PRIMARY COLLEGIATE GOAL

IS TO DIVEST MYSELF OF
PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

YEAH, LIVING AWAY FROM HOME

IS GONNA BE OUTRAGEOUS.

- TOGA PARTIES.
- BEER BUSTS.

- PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!
- All: PARTY, PARTY!

Doogie: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

COLLEGE ISN'T ALL FUN
AND FRISBEES, YOU KNOW.

IT'S ABOUT GETTING AN EDUCATION,

PREPARING FOR YOUR FUTURE,

INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION, RIGHT?

- PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!
- HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO!

THEY ACT LIKE SUCH
KIDS SOMETIMES.

Greenberg: THEY ARE KIDS.

BUT THEY DON'T
HAVE TO WALLOW IN IT.

ANY CHANCE YOU'RE JEALOUS?

OF WHAT? HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO?

OKAY, SO MAYBE
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE

A LITTLE MINDLESS FUN IN
COLLEGE THAT I MISSED OUT ON, BUT...

BUT WHAT OF IT? THEY'RE
ALSO GONNA HAVE TO SUFFER

THROUGH ALL THAT
ADOLESCENT ANGST,

WHO AM I, WHERE AM I
GOING, WHAT DO I WANNA BE.

I NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT,

I KNEW WHAT I WAS GONNA BE WHEN
I WAS SIX YEARS OLD... A DOCTOR.

THAT'S WHAT I AM NOW, THAT'S
WHAT I'LL BE 50 YEARS FROM NOW.

17 YEARS OLD, AND
EVERYTHING'S SETTLED.

LOCKED IN.

FOREVER.

WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT?

LET'S MOVE TO THE NEXT
QUESTION, SHALL WE?

OKAY.

I FORGOT TO WISH
YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOU JUST TURNED 17.

THANKS. I HAD A SWIM PARTY.
IT WAS GOING TO BE GREAT.

WAS GOING TO BE GREAT?

Doogie: WELL, IT
STARTED OUT GREAT.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOOGIE.
- OH, THANKS.

OKAY, LADIES!

LET'S NOT WASTE ANY
PRECIOUS MOMENTS OF SUNSHINE,

LET'S GET ON OUR SWIM TOGS,

POOL HOUSE IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WET GIRLS IN WET BIKINIS...

HAVING A SWIM PARTY
WAS A BRILLIANT IDEA.

- IT WAS YOURS.
- I KNOW.

HOW WILL YOU EVER THANK ME?

GET OUTTA HERE!

I'M SO PSYCHED.
EVERYTHING IS PERFECT,

NOTHING IS GOING TO INTERFERE

WITH THIS YOUTHFUL
CELEBRATION OF THE FLESH.

Mrs. Howser: DAVID, NEED
MORE BUNS FOR THE GRILL?

RIGHT-HO, DARLING.

- THANK YOU.
- THERE YOU ARE.

WE GOT TO 86 THE
OLD FOLKS, DOOG.

MY MOM LIVES FOR
MY BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

IN FIVE MINUTES YOU'RE
GONNA BE SMEARING SUNTAN OIL

ALL OVER WANDA
PLENN'S BIKINIED BODY.

IS IT FAIR TO MAKE YOUR
DEAR MOTHER WITNESS THAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S MY DUTY TO
PROTECT THAT SWEET WOMAN.

IT'S THE CARING THING TO
DO, DOOG. LET ME HANDLE IT.

DR. HOWSER! OH, DR. HOWSER.

WHAT AM I SAYING? DAVE.

- CAN I CALL YOU DAVE?
- NO.

SIR...

HERE'S 14 BUCKS, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE MRS. H. TO A FLICK?

I HEAR "ON GOLDEN
POND" IS PLAYING.

RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

UH, MOM, DAD, THIS IS
MY 17th BIRTHDAY PARTY,

IT'S A BIG ONE, I'M... I'M KIND OF
ON THE CUSP OF BEING A MAN.

BUT IT'S HARD TO FEEL MANLY
WHEN YOUR MOM AND DAD

ARE DISHING OUT ICE
CREAM AND CAKE, SO...

I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE
YOU ALL WOULD CONSIDER...

GETTING LOST?

- BEAUTIFULLY PUT, MOM.
- BRAVO, BRAVO.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOOGIE.
- THANKS.

NO BOOZE.

HMM.

WE HAVE DIVESTED OURSELVES
OF PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

- YES.
- YES.

Girl: HEY, DOOGIE.

Both: WHOA.

♪ I WISH THEY ALL
COULD BE CALIFORNIA ♪

♪ I WISH THEY ALL
COULD BE CALIFORNIA ♪

♪ I WISH THEY ALL
COULD BE CALIFORNIA ♪

♪ GIRLS... ♪

Greenberg: YOU WERE BEEPED AWAY
FROM YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY?

HEY, I UNDERSTAND.

WELCH GOT THE FLU, AND I
WAS THE NEXT GUY ON ROTATION.

- SO...
- SO?

YOU WERE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT IT?

YEAH... PROFESSIONAL.
EXACTLY, THAT'S IT.

YOU WERE PROFESSIONAL
AS A DOCTOR,

BUT AS A KID, DIDN'T
YOU RESENT IT?

NO...

NO. NO, I MEAN,

I DIDN'T LIKE IT, BUT
IT WAS IMPORTANT

THAT I GOT TO
THE E.R. WHEN I DID.

AND THERE WAS THIS KID, HE'D
BEEN IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT...

SORRY.

YOU'VE GOT HALF OF HOLLYWOOD
BOULEVARD IMBEDDED IN YOUR KIESTER.

WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK
I SEE CHER'S STAR.

- UH, THAT'S FUNNY.
- Man: WHERE'S MICHAEL
LEONETTI?

Nurse: HE'S IN THERE.

GREAT, MY OLD MAN.

FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH,
"YOU AND THAT DAMNED MOTORCYCLE."

YOU AND THAT DAMNED MOTORCYCLE.

THEY CALLED ME AT WORK.

I COME RUSHING DOWN
HERE, LOSING HALF A DAY'S PAY,

FOR ALL I KNOW YOUR BRAIN'S ARE
SPATTERED ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.

WELL, LUCKILY HE LANDED ON
HIS BUTTOCKS, MR. LEONETTI.

OH, SO HE DID
FALL ON HIS BRAINS.

- GIVE ME A BREAK.
- GIVE ME A BREAK!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS
GONNA DO TO MY INSURANCE?

THE BIKE IS HISTORY, YOU
ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH

Both: TO HANDLE A MOTORCYCLE.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY, MICHAEL.

I... I THINK I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

- DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC, DAD.
- AHH!

DAD? DAD?!

IS HE... IS HE ALL RIGHT?

GOT A CODE IN BAY THREE. GET THE
CRASH CART... HE'S IN CARDIAC ARREST.

Nurse: HERE'S THE CART.

- Doogie: LET'S MOVE IT.
- LET'S GET HIM ON THE MONITOR.

Doctor: I NEED A LARYNGOSCOPE
AND A NUMBER EIGHT TUBE.

GET A LINE IN AND GIVE
HIM ONE AMP OF LIDOCAINE.

- LET'S DRAW BLOOD GASES.
- COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

I'M GETTING A PULSE.

- WE GOT HIM GOING.
- ALL RIGHT.

KEEP OXYGEN ON HIM, CALL CCU,
TELL THEM TO GET A BED READY.

HE'S GONNA BE OKAY NOW.

Doogie: SO, IN THE
SCHEME OF THINGS,

IT WAS REALLY GOOD THAT
I GOT BEEPED WHEN I DID.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I
MISSED ANOTHER BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Greenberg: ANOTHER
BIRTHDAY PARTY.

COME ON, DOC, I
SAVED A GUY'S LIFE.

I CAN'T DENY THAT'S GOOD, BUT...

DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU
EVEN A LITTLE THAT YOU'RE

CONSTANTLY GIVING UP YOUR
CHILDHOOD TO BE A DOCTOR?

YOU'RE JUST NOT GETTING IT.

RIGHT NOW, PHILIP LEONETTI
IS IN HIS HOSPITAL ROOM,

EATING JELL-O AND
NAGGING HIS KID.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO HIM.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I GOTTA GO.

MR. LEONETTI DEVELOPED AN
ARRHYTHMIA AND ARRESTED.

WE CALLED THE CODE TEAM. THEY'VE
BEEN WORKING ON HIM SINCE WE BEEPED YOU.

SORRY, DOOG, WE LOST HIM.

OH MY GOD. IT'S ME.

AH!

I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT ALL ALONG.

BEING A DOCTOR IS THE
MONSTER, AND IT'S STRANGLING ME.

THAT'S WHAT THE DREAM'S
BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME.

I'VE BEEN SO BUSY LIVING
UP TO MY POTENTIAL,

THAT I FORGOT TO GET A LIFE.

DID YOU KNOW WANDA SPENT
THE WHOLE SUMMER IN EUROPE?

LOOK AT THIS SKIRT.

WOULD YOU WANT YOUR GIRLFRIEND
CLIMBING THE EIFFEL TOWER IN THAT SKIRT?

- HMM...
- ME... I'VE NEVER HAD TIME
TO GO ANYWHERE.

AND IT'S NOT JUST
TRAVEL, IT'S EVERYTHING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS THIS MORNING
AND VINNIE'S SHOWING MY PARENTS

A VIDEO HE MADE AT
MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Girl: Hi!

Vinnie: Hey, Suzy, where's
the rest of that bathing suit?

OH MY GOD.

IT'S CALLED A
THONG BIKINI, DR. H.

AIN'T IT GREAT?

DOOG, WATCH THIS. THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS WHERE SUZY BERLUNI
BROUGHT OUT THE CAKE.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL
A BEAUTIFUL CAKE.

YOU KNOW THAT KICK PEOPLE GET
OUT OF SEEING THEIR PRESENTS OPENED?

SO I SAT IN FOR YOU, SORT OF
LIKE A SURROGATE BIRTHDAY BOY.

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO DISAPPOINT YOUR GUESTS.

Doogie: VERY THOUGHTFUL.

Vinnie: I love opening presents,

even when they're not mine.

I'D BE BORROWING IT SOON ANYWAY.

Vinnie: SHE'S GOT A
STRONG BACK, THAT GIRL.

A toast to the Doogster!

Doogs, it's the best
party I ever had.

We just wanna say thank you.

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

INSTEAD OF LIVING MY LIFE,
I'M WATCHING IT ON VIDEO TAPE.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Doogie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

I CAN BE A DOCTOR ANY TIME,

BUT THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
I'M EVER GOING TO BE A KID.

I CAN JUST GOT OT CANFIELD AND
SAY, SEE YOU IN A YEAR FROM NOW.

OR... OR 10 YEARS FROM NOW.

I MEAN... WHY AM I
DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

Greenberg: I CAN TELL
YOU WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

"RIGHT NOW PHILIP LEONETTI
IS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM,

EATING JELL-O AND
NAGGING HIS KID.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS."

PHILIP LEONETTI DIED YESTERDAY.

I'M SORRY.

HE DIED, AND NOTHING I DID
REALLY MADE A DIFFERENCE.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

- TAKE MY LIFE BACK.
- DOOGIE...

EVERY DOCTOR HAS A GRAVEYARD
HE WALKS THROUGH BY HIMSELF.

I KNOW, DOC.

BUT I'M ONLY 17, REMEMBER?

PA system: Dr. Schwartz to
maternity. Dr. Schwartz to maternity.

DR. HOWSER? I WANNA TALK
TO YOU ABOUT MY FATHER.

MICHAEL, I WAS
GOING TO CALL YOU.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD
TURN OUT LIKE THIS.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, THE REASON I
WAS LOOKING FOR YOU IS...

I WANNA THANK YOU.

WHY?

BECAUSE I KNOW HE ALMOST
DIED IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

THE OLD MAN KNEW IT TOO, I MEAN,

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT
SCARED THE HELL OUT OF BOTH OF US.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, FIGHTING ABOUT
MOTORCYCLES SEEMED STUPID.

SO...

FOR THE LAST DAY, WE
TALKED... FOR HOURS.

HE SAID SOME STUFF,
I SAID SOME STUFF...

IT WAS GOOD.

I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE
SAID THIS A WEEK AGO, BUT...

I'M GONNA MISS HIM.

BUT AT LEAST HE KNEW
HOW I REALLY FELT,

BECAUSE I TOLD HIM SO.

AND I DON'T THINK I WOULD
HAVE HAD THAT CHANCE

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, SO...

- THANK YOU.
- IT'S OKAY.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE
SEEING YOU AROUND.

OH, YEAH... I'M SELLING MY BIKE.

YOU INTERESTED?

WHAT THE HELL... I PROMISED HIM.

DR. HOWSER!

DID YOU WANNA SEE ME?

WOULD IT CONFUSE YOU
IF I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW?

YES, IT WOULD.

I'M AWFULLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- HI, MOM.
- HI, KIDDO.

COULD YOU TAKE OUT
THE GARBAGE, PLEASE?

SURE.

DOOGIE... THE GARBAGE?

I'M GOING, I'M GOING.

All: SURPRISE!

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOOGIE.
- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DEAR DOOGIE ♪

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! ♪

I SCREWED UP THE OTHER
DAY. WHEN YOU GOT BEEPED,

THE PARTY SHOULD HAVE
ENDED RIGHT THERE... I'M SORRY.

HEY, THAT'S OKAY.
MY BEING A DOCTOR

CAN BE A REAL PAIN
SOMETIMES, HUH?

BOY, YOU'RE NOT KIDDIN'.

BUT... YOU ARE A GENIUS.

YOU'RE STUCK WITH THAT.

IT'S NOT LIKE SOME MORNING YOU'RE
GONNA WAKE UP STUPID OR SOMETHING.

THE THING I GOT TO
REMEMBER IS... DON'T FIGHT IT,

MAKE ADJUSTMENTS,
GO WITH THE FLOW.

YOU'RE MORE TROUBLE THAN THE AVERAGE
GUY, BUT WHEN YOU ADD UP THE COLUMNS,

YOU'RE PROBABLY WORTH IT.

VINNIE, I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW I'M AN ENCHANTING YOUNG
MAN, BUT THIS HAS GOTTA STOP.

NOW, LET'S SEE... THE OTHER
DAY, WHERE DID WE LEAVE OFF?

- Wanda: HEY, DOOGIE.
- Both: OH, YEAH...

♪ I WISH THEY ALL
COULD BE CALIFORNIA ♪

♪ I WISH THEY ALL
COULD BE CALIFORNIA ♪

♪ I WISH THEY ALL COULD
BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS ♪

IGOR!

HIT IT!

♪ I was working in
the lab late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes
beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from
his slab began to rise ♪

♪ And he suddenly
to my surprise ♪

♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪

♪ The Monster Mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ He did the Mash ♪

♪ It caught on in a flash ♪

♪ He did the Mash ♪

♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪

♪ From my laboratory
in the castle east... ♪

WELL, THIS ISN'T SO BAD, IS IT?

♪ To the master bedroom
where the vampires feast ♪

♪ The ghouls all came
from their humble abodes ♪

♪ To get a jolt from
my electrodes ♪

♪ They did the Mash ♪

♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪

♪ The Monster Mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ They did the Mash ♪

♪ It caught on in a flash ♪

♪ They did the Mash, they
did the Monster Mash... ♪

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