Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 26 - Frankly, My Dear, I Don't Give a Grand - full transcript

HOW'D YOU FIND THIS PLACE?

SOME TRAVEL MAGAZINE.

THIS CAME IN THIRD ON
THE LIST OF 10 BEST SPOTS

FOR AN AFTERNOON DELIGHT.

MAY I HELP YOU?

I'D LIKE A ROOM FOR
THE NIGHT, PLEASE.

- SINGLE OR DOUBLE?
- DOUBLE.

NOTHING TOO FLASHY UNLESS YOU
GOT SOMETHING IN A HONEYMOON SUITE.

THE BRIDAL PARTY
WILL BE ARRIVING LATER.

HOW FESTIVE.

IF THE HONEYMOON
SUITE'S UNAVAILABLE,



I'LL TAKE ANYTHING WITH A
KING-SIZED BED AND THICK WALLS.

I'LL JUST SEE WHAT'S AVAILABLE.

I WONDER WHAT SHE'LL BE WEARING.

I'M CRAVING LACE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALM
DOWN. YOU'RE STARTING TO SWEAT.

I KNOW AND MY
THROAT'S REALLY TIGHT.

I CAN'T EVEN SWALLOW.

THINK THIS MIGHT BE
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY?

I THINK YOU'RE PUTTING TOO
MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF.

MAYBE YOU'VE GOT
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?

NO, I DON'T. I JUST
WANT THIS TO BE

THE MOST INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC
NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THERE'S SPRING HERE, DOOG!

WE HAVE LIFT-OFF!



YEAH, JANINE'S GONNA
BE REALLY IMPRESSED.

AND YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN THE HALF OF IT.

THE DELPINO SEDUCTION KIT.

TWO SCENTED CANDLES, ORCHID;

ONE BOOM BOX

FEATURING THE SMOOTH
SOUNDS OF MR. PERRY COMO,

HE AIN'T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS;

AND ONE BOTTLE OF
DR. LAZLO'S SEX TONIC.

WHICH ONE OF US
DO I RUB THIS ON?

LET ME SEE THAT.

YOU KNOW, VINNIE,

THE MEDICAL EVIDENCE OF
APHRODISIACS IS VERY FLIMSY.

I DON'T WANT ANY
OF YOUR SCIENCE.

I'M TRYING TO CREATE A LITTLE
ROMANTIC AMBIENCE HERE.

ONE BOX OF
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES;

AND ONE AIRLINE SICKNESS BAG.

YOU KNOW MY HISTORY
OF NERVES AND WOMEN.

VINNIE, RELAX. SEX IS
MOSTLY IN YOUR MIND,

AND NOBODY HAS A MIND
FOR IT QUITE LIKE YOURS.

I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I'M LIKE BURNING UP.

DID ALL THIS STUFF HAPPEN WHEN
YOU AND WANDA TRIED TO DO IT?

I MEAN SWEATING, DRY
THROAT, KINDA WOOZY?

I WAS A WRECK. I
THINK IT'S NORMAL.

THEY'RE HERE.

OKAY, RELAX. YOU'RE A
STUD. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

- ARE YOU GONNA THROW UP?
- NO, I'M GONNA FAINT.

HI.

COME ON IN.

VINNIE'S JUST GETTING SOME AIR.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

LIKE VENUS DE MILO WITH ARMS.

THANKS.

THIS IS REALLY A NICE ROOM.

YEAH.

THIS BORDERS ON POSH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PICKED
IT OUT AND PAID FOR IT.

OH, WE SHOULD TAKE
THIS FOR A SOUVENIR!

"HOTEL SPLENDEE-DEE ETOILE."

WANDA, YOU'VE BEEN
BRUSHING UP ON YOUR FRENCH,

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I THINK IT MEANS

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

VINNIE AND JANINE ARE SO FUNNY.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE THEM TOGETHER.

- WHAT?
- I SAID, "I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT WE'RE BACK TOGETHER."

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BRUSHING UP ON YOUR FRENCH.

YEAH, YEAH, I AM.

WHY? YOU HATE FRENCH.

IT'LL MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME TO
TALK TO THE PEOPLE IN FRANCE.

DOOGIE, I'M GOING TO EUROPE.

- WHAT?
- MY PARENTS
ARE TAKING ME

ON VACATION FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

THEN I'M GOING TO SPEND
THE REST OF THE SUMMER

WITH THE FAMILY OF
A STUDENT IN PARIS.

I'M GONNA STUDY ART HISTORY.

WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING
ON TELLING ME ALL THIS?

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
FIND THE RIGHT TIME.

IT HAPPENED WHILE WE
WERE BROKEN UP, OKAY?

- WHO IS THIS STUDENT? WHAT'S HER NAME?
- JEAN CLAUDE.

- THAT'S NOT A GIRL'S NAME.
- IT'S NOT A GIRL.

ENGLAND.

SWITZERLAND.

ITALY.

ITALY, WANDA. AN ENTIRE
COUNTRY FULL OF VINNIE DELPINOS.

DOGGIE, I'M A BIG GIRL. I
CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

OH, SURE. YOU WENT TO ARIZONA
AND YOU LOST YOUR PURSE.

YOU ARE SUCH A...

SUCH A... "JERK" IS THE
WORD I'M LOOKING FOR!

DON'T YOU MEAN "LE JERK"?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

OH, DR. HOWSER.

NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

OH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S GET AN
OBJECTIVE OPINION HERE.

- FINE.
- OKAY...

MOM AND DAD, GET THIS.

WANDA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT SHE'LL
BE SPENDING THE NEXT THREE MONTHS

TRAIPSING AROUND EUROPE.

- GREAT!
- HOW EXCITING. THAT'S WONDERFUL!

OH, NOW WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL.

SHE'LL BE SPENDING
THE LAST TWO MONTHS

LIVING WITH SOME ART
STUDENT IN FRANCE.

- PARIS.
- BON, BON.

THE CITY OF LIGHTS.

Katherine: DO YOU
REMEMBER, DAVID?

THOSE LONG WALKS BY THE SEINE?

AND THAT LITTLE BAKERY
BY THE FLOWER MARKET.

BUTTER ME ANOTHER
CROISSANT, MON CHERI.

OH, GREAT. WHY DON'T
YOU ALL GO TO EUROPE?

YOU TWO CAN SLEEP ON
JEAN CLAUDE'S COUCH.

DOOGIE'S REALLY
FLIPPED OUT ABOUT THIS.

OH, EXCUSE ME!

I JUST HAPPEN TO BE
A LITTLE CONCERNED

ABOUT YOUR SAFETY
AND YOUR HEALTH!

Katherine: DOOGIE,
THE LAST I HEARD,

FRANCE WAS PART OF
THE CIVILIZED WORLD.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO BEIRUT.

HOW DO I KNOW? I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW SHE WAS GOING TO FRANCE.

IT KIND OF CAUGHT
ME BY SURPRISE.

YEAH?

SLOW DOWN, JANINE.

JUST TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT HIS SYMPTOMS ARE.

UH-HUH.

HAS HE VOMITED?

OKAY. OKAY.

STAY CALM. I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

THAT WAS JANINE. VINNIE'S A
LITTLE... UNDER THE WEATHER.

- SERIOUS?
- I DON'T THINK SO.

HE'S... JUST BEEN UNDER
A LOT OF STRESS... LATELY.

- WHERE ARE THEY?
- OUT... ON A DATE.

I'M JUST GONNA... JUST
GONNA GO OUT AND MEET THEM.

- WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD
COME WITH YOU.
- Both: NO!

HONEST, DAD. I CAN HANDLE IT.

I'LL JUST... HERE... BE
BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

WE WERE JUST
LIGHTING THE CANDLES,

- AND HE SORT OF CRUMPLED.
- I DID NOT CRUMPLE!

DELPINOS DO NOT CRUMPLE!

HE CRUMPLED.

OKAY, CLOSE. YOUR
TONSILS LOOK TERRIBLE.

WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
TONSILS THAT LOOKED ATTRACTIVE?

THEY'RE SLABS OF MEAT.

YEAH, WELL YOURS
ARE INFECTED. IT'S BAD.

THEY'RE ENLARGED AND COVERED
WITH AN INFLAMMATORY EXUDATE.

WHAT'S THAT?

PUS POCKETS.

OH, DISGUSTING!

HEY, MOTHER TERESA, COULD I
GET A LITTLE SYMPATHY HERE?

I'M A SICK MAN.

YOU'VE ALREADY HAD
STREP TWICE THIS YEAR,

- SO THEY'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO COME OUT.
- MY TONSILS?

- YOU MEAN LIKE TONIGHT?
- NO, NO.

FIRST, WE'LL PUT YOU ON AN ANTIBIOTIC
TO KNOCK DOWN THE INFECTION,

- BUT THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
- OH, MAN.

JANINE, WOULD YOU GET
ME A GLASS OF WATER?

LISTEN, DOOG, COULD YOU GIVE ME
SOMETHING TO GET ME THROUGH TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW JANINE. SHE'S FICKLE.

I HAVE TO STRIKE
WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.

NOT A CHANCE.

YOU'RE A WRECK!

YOU COULD INFECT JANINE
AND MAKE YOURSELF WORSE.

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS MEANS TO YOU.

I WOULDN'T TELL YOU TO CALL
IT OFF UNLESS IT WERE SERIOUS.

HERE'S YOUR WATER, VINNIE.

I KNOW I LOOK YOUNG FOR MY AGE,

BUT ISN'T IT A LITTLE EXTREME

PUTTING ME IN THE NURSERY?

OKAY, KIDS. LET'S SETTLE DOWN.

- SHH.
- DR. KAGAN LIKES TO KEEP
ALL HIS TONSILLECTOMIES

IN THE SAME WARD. HE
DOES FIVE OR SIX A DAY.

WHAT NUMBER AM I?

I DON'T WANT THE GUY
SPREADING HIMSELF TOO THIN HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, VINNIE.

AND THIS WARD HAS THE
BEST SERVICE IN THE HOSPITAL.

ALL THE ICE CREAM YOU CAN EAT!

OOH, GREAT.

AND WHEN DOES COCO THE
CLOWN MAKE HIS APPEARANCE?

TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

FROM DR. LAZLO'S SEX TONIC...

TO PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE.

SO, HOW'S OUR SENIOR
TONSILLECTOMY PATIENT?

NOT FEELING SO SENIOR.

DR. KAGAN'S ON HIS WAY DOWN.

HE'S JUST GETTING YOUR PARENTS
TO SIGN THE CONSENT FORMS.

OH YEAH? AS LONG AS THEY'RE
NOT FILLING OUT A DONOR CARD.

WELL, IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING AT ALL,

CURLY AND I ARE ALWAYS AROUND.

UH, NURSE SPAULDING?

I MAY WANT TO LEAN ON YOU LATER.

YOU THINK SHE
TAKES ME SERIOUSLY?

GIVE IT A REST, VIN.

HI, MARKY!

- HI, DONNIE! WHOOPS.
- Donnie: HI, DOCTOR.

HI, VINCENT. HOW ARE
WE FEELING TODAY?

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR YOU,
DOC, BUT I'VE BEEN BETTER.

VINNIE, I'M GONNA EXPLAIN
THIS OPERATION TO YOU

IN A WAY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET
A LITTLE SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER

AND IT MAKES YOUR
WHOLE DARN HAND HURT?

COULD WE GET TO
THE RISK FACTORS?

I WENT OVER ALL THAT
WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD.

LOOK, I'M NOT A KID.

I WANT YOU TO GO
OVER IT WITH ME.

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE OPERATION,

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A SMALL
RISK WITH THE GENERAL ANESTHETIC.

- YEAH, GO ON.
- POSSIBLE BRAIN DAMAGE,

HEMORRHAGING, SHOCK,
ASPIRATION PNEUMONIA,

AND IN VERY RARE
INSTANCES, DEATH.

THE BIG DIRT NAP. JUST
GIVE ME SOME ODDS.

REALLY, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

WELL, CAN DOOGIE BE THERE?

NO OFFENSE. I'M SURE YOU'RE
VERY GOOD FOR YOUR AGE,

I'M JUST USED TO
YOUNGER DOCTORS.

I HAVE NO OBJECTION
TO DR. HOWSER ASSISTING

WITH THE OPERATION.

NOW, TRY TO GET SOME REST.

VISITING HOURS
ARE OFFICIALLY OVER,

BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
NICE FOR YOU TO SEE VINNIE

- BEFORE THE OPERATION.
- HAS HE GOT TUBES IN HIM?

- BECAUSE I HATE THAT.
- NO, IT'S JUST VINNIE...

IN A GOWN AND HE'S
A LITTLE NERVOUS,

SO TRY AND BE NICE TO HIM.

I'M ALWAYS NICE TO HIM.

I LOVE THE LITTLE JERK.

Housekeeping to post-op.

- SO HOW IS HE?
- HE'S FINE.

ARE YOU GOING
STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK?

I THOUGHT WE COULD GO
FOR A WALK OR SOMETHING.

SORRY, I'VE GOT ROUNDS.

DOOGIE, COME ON, TALK TO ME.

- YOU ACT LIKE
YOU'RE AVOIDING ME!
- I'M NOT AVOIDING YOU.

- I REALLY HAVE A LOT TO DO.
- IS THAT WHY YOU HAVEN'T
CALLED IN A WEEK?

I DIDN'T WANT TO TIE
UP THE PHONE LINES

IN CASE YOU WERE EXPECTING
CALLS FROM ITALY OR FRANCE.

DO YOU WANT ME NOT TO GO?

- IF I ASKED YOU NOT TO,
WOULD YOU STAY?
- NO.

OKAY, GO! HAVE A GREAT TIME!

HAVE A BAGUETTE ON ME!

DOOGIE, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

IF THIS TRIP IS SO INNOCENT,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?!

I WAS AFRAID YOU'D GET MAD. I
DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU CAN'T TELL ME THINGS?

YES.

I THINK THAT'S A REAL
PROBLEM IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

I THINK IT IS TOO.

Maintenance to third
floor, west corridor.

I GOT TO GO.

THAT FEELS GREAT, JANINE.

SHIFT A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

DOWN AN INCH.

PRESSURE'S PERFECTO.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER
HERE AND GIVE ME A RUBDOWN?

WHY DON'T I COME OVER THERE AND
START YOUR SURGERY A LITTLE EARLY?

HE'S A LITTLE TENSE.

HONEY, TRY TO RELAX.

HOW CAN I? YOU'RE
TALKING TO A MAN

WHO'S JUST HOURS AWAY FROM
IRREVERSIBLE BRAIN DAMAGE.

VINNIE, THEY'RE TAKING
YOUR TONSILS OUT.

EXACTLY! IT'S AN OPERATION

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE WHEN YOU'RE FIVE.

WHEN YOU GET TO MY
AGE, THE RISK SHOOTS UP.

REALLY?

I TRIED TO GET THE DOCTOR
TO GIVE ME SOME ODDS,

HE WOULDN'T EVEN
DISCUSS IT WITH ME.

I'M NOT SAYING I WON'T
PULL THROUGH, JANINE.

BUT WE'VE GOT TO
FACE THE POSSIBILITY

THAT AFTER TOMORROW,

I'LL BE WORM MEAT.

AND YOU KNOW THE WORST PART?

I'D BE GOING TO MY
GRAVE VIRGIN WORM MEAT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

WE'RE IN A ROOM
FULL OF CHILDREN!

UH, THIS IS DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER.

I'M TRANSFERRING
PATIENT VINCENT DELPINO

TO A PRIVATE ROOM.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHICH
ONES ARE AVAILABLE?

NONE AT ALL?

AT ANY PRICE?

OKAY. BRAINSTORM.

THERE IS ONE
PLACE... WE COULD GO

Janine: HOW'D YOU
LEARN TO DO THAT?

YEARS OF BEING
GROUNDED BY MY PARENTS.

A DIMMER IN HIS OFFICE.

- I LIKE THIS GUY.
- WHO'S OFFICE IS THIS?

THE HEAD HONCHO.

CANFIELD.

HE LOVES ME.

AH, THIS IS NICE.

THE PERFECT SURROUNDING
FOR A TÊTE-À-TÊTE.

JANINE, I'M ON THE DESK!

I KNOW. IT'S ONE
OF MY FANTASIES.

OH MY GOD. I'M IN
LOVE WITH A PERVERT!

EXCUSE ME.

VINCENT DELPINO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

I'M HAVING MY TONSILS OUT.

AM I STILL ALIVE?

YEAH.

AND I'M STILL A VIRGIN?

WELL, JUST THINK OF IT
AS A REASON TO RECOVER.

EVERYTHING WENT FINE. YOU
SHOULD BE OUT OF HERE TOMORROW.

I JUST FELT MY THROAT.

WHAT DID THEY USE, A BLOWTORCH?

WELL, IT'S GOING TO
BE SORE FOR A WHILE.

BY THE WAY, DR. CANFIELD
SENDS HIS REGARDS.

DON'T TRY AND TALK NOW.

YOU CAN EXPLAIN IN DETAIL LATER.

THIS JUST CAME FOR A
MR. VINCENT DELPINO.

SHOULD I READ THE CARD?

"GET WELL SOON.
THERE'S A DESK POSITION

WAITING FOR YOU. LOVE, JANINE."

SUMMER JOB.

ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU?

SPONGE BATH.

I THINK THAT'S A PERFECTLY
LEGITIMATE REQUEST.

I'VE SAID THIS TO YOU
MANY TIMES AS A FRIEND,

NOW I'M SAYING IT AS A DOCTOR...

SHUT... UP.

Dr. Jeff Henry,

please call the fourth
floor nurses' station.

Dr. Jeff Henry.

DOOGIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME WITH JANINE
TO SEE VINNIE.

I WANTED TO SEE YOU, TOO.

I'M LEAVING TOMORROW.

I KNOW.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS.

I HOPE YOU'LL WRITE ME.

YEAH, I WILL... IF I HAVE TIME.

SO... GOODBYE.

THIS CAME IN THE MAIL, TODAY.

JEAN CLAUDE?

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD NERDS IN FRANCE.

YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?

I GUESS, A LITTLE.

WANDA, YOU... YOU ARE
GONNA SEE SO MANY THINGS

AND HAVE SO MANY EXPERIENCES

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE A DIFFERENT
PERSON WHEN YOU COME BACK.

I'M AFRAID.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOT
GONNA WANT ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S CRAZY, DOOGIE.

IS IT?

ALL I COULD SAY FOR
NOW IS I LOVE YOU, DOOGIE.

I LOVE YOU TOO, WANDA.

NO, I'M ON DUTY.

AND I'M GOING TO EUROPE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT IS THIS, SPAWNING SEASON?