Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Grass Ain't Always Greener - full transcript

Fresh off his breakup with Wanda, Doogie scores a date with a Lakers cheerleader. He soon realizes that she is too grown up for him.

WHAT'S UP, DOOG?

WHAT'S UP?

- THE METS AND THE DODGERS?
- 1:00.

IT'S A TOWERING FOUL BALL
OFF STRAWBERRY'S BACK.

IT'S HEADED UNDER THE SEATS
BEHIND THE METS' DUGOUT.

BOY, THAT'S A LUCKY
FAN CAMPED UNDER IT.

HEY, IT'S A GOOD-LOOKIN'
LITTLE ITALIAN GUY. UP!

OH! HE MISSES IT,
BUT HE DOESN'T CARE.

HE'S JUST HAPPY TO HAVE GREAT
SEATS PROVIDED BY HIS BEST FRIEND,

DOOGIE HOWSER.

I'M SORRY, DOOG.



I WASN'T SURE YOU'D
SCORE THE TICKETS.

I SCHEDULED ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT.

WHAT CAN BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A
GOOD AND FAST BALL OR A HERSHISER SLIDER?

THE DELPINO LIBIDO.

JANINE AGAIN?

WE'RE GOING ON A
PICNIC IN OCEAN PARK.

MAN, YOU'RE ALWAYS
OUT WITH JANINE.

HEY, COME ON, DOOG.

SINCE YOU AND WANDA BROKE
UP, YOU'RE A CAREFREE SINGLE GUY,

BUT I HAVE CERTAIN
DOMESTIC RESPONSIBILITIES.

MY DELICATE LITTLE LAMB CAKE
AND I HAVE AND UNDERSTANDING.

I BREAK OUR PLANS,
SHE BREAKS MY FINGERS.

VINNIE, YOU'RE A WIMP.

YES, BUT I'M A WIMP
WITH A FRESH HICKEY.



GOOD MORNING, SON.

- BLESS YOU.
- GESUNDHEIT.

YOUR FATHER WAS UP ALL NIGHT.

HE'S GOT THE FLU.

- YOU'D BETTER
GET BACK TO BED.
- I INTEND TO,

BUT I HAVE SCHEDULED
SOME INSURANCE PHYSICALS

AT EASTMAN THIS AFTERNOON,

AND I'VE GOTTA GET
SOMEBODY TO FILL IN.

HEY, I'D LOVE TO, DAD, BUT I HAVE PRIMO
SEATS FOR THE METS-DODGER GAME.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

I'LL GET SOMEBODY.

I JUST HATE TO ASK PEOPLE
TO GIVE UP A SATURDAY.

CALL PETE FINNEY. HE'S
A BIG BASKETBALL FAN.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU KNOW, HE'D LOVE
TO MEET THE LAKER GIRLS.

Both: THE LAKER GIRLS?

DAD, MEDICINE IS MY LIFE.

VINNIE, WHAT HAPPENED?

I THINK IT'S A SPRAIN.

I DEFINITELY NEED SOME
MEDICAL ATTENTION.

- LET ME TAKE YOU
DOWN TO THE E.R.
- OH NO, NO.

DOOGIE'S LIKE MY OWN
PERSONAL PHYSICIAN.

HE'S VERY POSSESSIVE
OF MY EXTREMITIES.

BY THE WAY, WHERE IS THE
GOOD DOCTOR AT THE MOMENT?

OH, HE'S GIVING SOME INSURANCE
PHYSICALS IN EXAMINATION ROOM 3.

THANKS. YOU'RE AN ANGEL
OF MERCY, NURSE SPAULDING.

YEAH!

Woman on P.A.:
Dr. Serean room 302.

TARYN RODGERS, 21.

DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER, 16.

I'VE READ ABOUT YOU. IT'S A
REAL PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

AH, THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.

HMM, THE FALL OF
THE BOURBON DYNASTY.

YES, FOR THE JACOBINS,
IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES.

WELL, FOR LOUIS XVI, IT
WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.

SO HOW DOES A HISTORY
BUFF BECOME A LAKER GIRL?

WELL, I'M TAKING A
YEAR OFF FROM U.C.L.A.

TO MAKE SOME MONEY.
I WORK FULL-TIME,

AND FOR FUN, I PUT MY DANCE
TRAINING TO USE AT LAKER GAMES.

THAT'S GREAT. HAVE A SEAT.

YOU'LL NEED TO OPEN
YOUR TOP TWO BUTTONS.

U.C.L.A., I LECTURE
THERE SOMETIMES.

- WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?
- PHILOSOPHY.

AH, SCHOPENHAUER.

- KIERKEGAARD.
- NIETZSCHE.

- KARL MARX.
- GROUCHO MARX.

SAY THE SECRET
WORD AND COLLECT $50.

THIS'LL BE A LITTLE COLD.

SO, WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS?

- VERY HEALTHY.
- THE FIRST WEALTH IS HEALTH.

- RALPH WALDO EMERSON.
- NO, I THINK IT WAS
RALPH KRAMDEN.

"THE HONEYMOONERS,"
THAT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.

"ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE,"

Both: "BANG! ZOOM! TO THE MOON!"

YEAH, AND HE ALWAYS ENDED
WITH, "BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST."

REFLEX TIME.

EXCELLENT REFLEXES, TARYN.

I'D LOVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

GO OUT?

- SURE.
- GREAT.

- IT'S SATURDAY. HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT.

- SURE.
- EXCELLENT REFLEXES, DOCTOR.

DON'T WORRY, JANINE. IT'S
ONLY A SPRAINED ANKLE.

POOR LITTLE GUY, HE FELT SO
BAD ABOUT CANCELING OUR PICNIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? HE SAID,

"LAMB CAKE, DON'T
COME DOWN HERE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET UPSET."

- ISN'T THAT SWEET?
- MAYBE I'LL WAIT OUT HERE.

- WHY?
- YOU KNOW, DOOGIE'S
GONNA BE WITH HIM.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE ENEMIES.
YOU'RE JUST NOT DATING.

LOOK, DOOGIE WILL
LOVE SEEING YOU.

HE HASN'T EVEN GONE
OUT SINCE YOU TWO SPLIT.

- A LITTLE ITALIAN
BIRDIE TOLD ME.
- REALLY?

BRAD HOLLISTER ASKED ME OUT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

I DIDN'T.

I CAN'T WAIT TO COMFORT
MY POOR LITTLE GOOMBAH.

♪ Party people, we party... ♪

- ♪ Party people, we party ♪
- ♪ Whoa! ♪

HI, WHO'S NEXT?

♪ Uh, ah, hey, ow! ♪

♪ Break down! Bom
bom bom bom... ♪ -

A SPRAINED ANKLE?

YOU LYING LITTLE SNAKE!

IT GOT BETTER! I TOLD
YOU HE WAS A GENIUS.

- SHOULDN'T WE DO SOMETHING?
- YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.

HEY, I HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH THAT.

I WAS HERE DOING MY FATHER A
FAVOR. IT WAS PURELY PROFESSIONAL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME.

YOU'RE A FREE MAN. YOU
CAN DO AS YOU PLEASE.

WELL, THE SAME GOES FOR YOU.

THAT'S WHAT WE DECIDED
WHEN WE STOPPED GOING OUT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT
REAL WELL, BELIEVE ME.

- OH, SO DOES THAT MEAN
YOU'RE SEEING SOMEONE?
- YEAH, I AM.

BRAD HOLLISTER.

AH, BRADLEY. HE'S A GOOD KID.

AND YOU?

WELL, I'VE GOT A DATE.
IT'S NOTHING SPECIAL.

- WHO?
- NO, IT'S JUST SOME GIRL.

BYE, DOUGLAS. SEE YOU TONIGHT.

Woman on P.A.:
Mrs. Harvey, call 6920.

Mrs. Harvey, call 6920.

TARYN...

- YOU'RE LOOKING
GREAT THIS EVENING.
- THANK YOU.

CLAUDE, I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO MEET DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER.

- DOCTOR?
- DOUGLAS IS A RESIDENT
AT EASTMAN HOSPITAL.

- HE'S THE YOUNGEST DOCTOR
IN THE COUNTRY.
- LEAVE IT TO YOU.

IT'S A PLEASURE, DOCTOR. LET
ME TAKE YOU TO YOUR TABLE.

THANK YOU.

THIS WAY.

TARYN, DOCTOR.

CLAUDE, DR. HOWSER'S STARVING.

THIS'LL GET YOU STARTED.

THE HERB OF THE
EVENING IS BASIL.

- OKAY.
- ENJOY.

THANKS.

WELL, DIG IN.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

NO, IT'S GOOD. JUST TRY IT.

MMM.

- WELL, HAVE SOME MORE.
- NO, NO THANKS.

THIS BASIL REALLY
STICKS TO YOUR RIBS.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- HELLO.
- HI, BABE.

- EVERYONE, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER.
- HI.

- HI.
- DOUGLAS, THIS IS
ALMOST EVERYBODY.

THIS IS YOUR BOY GENIUS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. HE IS ADORABLE!
- OH GOD.

WELL, WHEN I WAS 16, I WAS...

WELL, 16.

YOU CAN TELL THAT HE'S
A GENIUS TOO, DOCTOR.

OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, REALLY.

DOUGLAS. HE'S SO MODEST.

AFTER DINNER, WE'RE HEADED
DOWNTOWN TO VELOCITY, THEN TO HERETIC.

- AFTER-HOURS CLUBS.
- OH SURE, VELOCITY.

OH, THEY'RE TOUGH AT THE DOOR.

HE'LL NEED AN I.D. TO GET IN.

Man: We could sneak him in.

- Woman: We could try.
- I CAN'T GO ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT LATE ROUNDS
AT THE HOSPITAL.

HOSPITAL ROUNDS, I'D SAY THAT
TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER CLUBBING.

WELL, MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

- BYE.
- CIAO.

- CIAO.
- LATER.

- CIAO.
- CIAO.

- BYE-BYE.
- ENJOY!

- BYE.
- CIAO.

SO, READY TO EAT?

YEAH, I'M STARVING.

UH, WAITER,

ANOTHER BUSH, PLEASE?

COME HERE.

NICE CAR.

I LIKE IT.

SO DOES MY DAD. IT'S HIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
HANDLE YOURSELF WELL.

YOU'RE A KID, BUT YOU'RE NOT.

IT MUST BE DIFFICULT.

SOMETIMES.

LOOK, I'D ASK YOU IN, BUT...

- YOU HAVE TO GET
TO THE HOSPITAL, RIGHT?
- YEAH.

I COULD BE A LITTLE LATE.

LOOK, FRIDAY NIGHT I'D
LIKE TO COOK YOU DINNER.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

AT MY PLACE?

JUST THE TWO OF US? ALONE?

PERFECT.

YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE ENTERING
THE CHEERLEADER'S LOVE SHACK

- WITHOUT SOME VALUABLE
WORDS OF ADVICE?
- I DON'T NEED ADVICE.

- I NEED COOLER UNDERWEAR.
- WEAR WHAT MY UNCLE SAL
WEARS ON DATES...

A RAINCOAT. PERIOD.

WHY AM I OBSESSING
ABOUT UNDERWEAR?

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T
EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX.

WHAT DID SHE SAY TO YOU AGAIN?
AND I WANT TO KNOW WORD FOR WORD.

SHE SAID SHE WANTED
TO COOK ME DINNER.

THAT'S NO BIG DEAL. MY
GRANDMOTHER SAYS THAT.

- WHAT ELSE?
- AT HER PLACE.

- DITTO GRANDMA.
- AND?

JUST THE TWO OF US. ALONE.

GRANNY NEVER SAID THAT.

YOUR FIRST TIME
OUT, A LAKER GIRL!

HOWSER, YOU'RE A GOD.

I DON'T KNOW. IF I'M WRONG,
I'LL MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF.

WHAT IF SHE JUST WANTS TO
TALK? SHE'S A VERY BRIGHT GIRL.

- SHE'S FLUENT
IN THREE LANGUAGES.
- BIG DEAL.

TONIGHT, ALL SHE'S GOTTA BE FLUENT IN
IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF BADABOOM.

THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

WELL THANKS. IT'S
CALLED "POULET MARENGO."

YEAH, NAPOLEON'S CHEF CREATED IT FOR HIM
AFTER HIS VICTORY AT THE BATTLE OF MARENGO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT SO MANY THINGS?

I CAN'T HELP IT. I REMEMBER
EVERYTHING I READ. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

"WITH PEOPLE OF
ONLY MODERATE ABILITY,

MODESTY IS MERE HONESTY. BUT WITH
THOSE WHO POSSESS GREAT TALENT,

IT IS HYPOCRISY."

- ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER.
- YEAH, HE'S GREAT.

I'M KIERKEGAARD GROUPIE MYSELF.

"LIFE CAN ONLY BE
UNDERSTOOD BACKWARDS,

BUT MUST BE LIVED FORWARDS."

THEN, LET'S MOVE FORWARD.

YOU KNOW... I HAVE THE
WORST CRINK IN MY NECK.

I BELIEVE IT. YOU DO ALL
THAT FLIPPING AND BOUNCING.

HERE.

OH, OH A CRINK. YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S A CERVICAL
STRAIN AT C4 AND 5.

THAT'S A DEFINITE CRINK.

FEELS GOOD.

YES, IT DOES.

HERE.

RIGHT HERE.

PRESSURE APPLIED
DIRECTLY TO THE TRAPEZIUS

AND LEVATOR SCAPULAE
MUSCLES IS ALSO THERAPEUTIC.

SO SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE
TO SURROUND THE CRINK.

CAN I HAVE THIS
DANCE, DR. HOWSER?

- THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
- YEAH.

BETTER THAN A LOUD,
CROWDED, SMOKE-FILLED CLUB.

AH, THE SPLENIUS CAPITIS MUSCLE.

HM, THE LOBULAR AURICULARIA.

YOU ARE SO CUTE.

GOOD THING THE BED WAS
HERE TO BREAK OUR FALL, HUH?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SPEND THE NIGHT?

- HERE?
- YES.

I HAVE A CURFEW.

- WHAT TIME?
- 1:00.

MMM. I THINK THAT'S
PLENTY OF TIME.

TOMORROW MORNING WE COULD HAVE
BRUNCH AT THE BEACH WITH ALEX AND KATY.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THEM. THEY'RE
MARRIED AND SHE'S EXPECTING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT
YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND RICARDO.

HE'S OPENING UP AN ART GALLERY TOMORROW
ON MELROSE. DO YOU HAVE A TUXEDO?

- WELL, IT'S OKAY. WE CAN RENT ONE.
- YEAH, OKAY, BUT...

AND WHILE WE'RE ALL DRESSED UP,

WE COULD HAVE A LATE DINNER AT LA
TRACE. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THEIR SUSHI.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT, TARYN, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

MARRIED COUPLES?
TUXEDOS? RAW FISH?

WELL WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I SPEND ALL MY TIME AT THE
HOSPITAL TRYING TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT

AND ON MY TIME
OFF, I LIKE BEING A KID.

OKAY, GREAT. WELL,
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?

SHOOT SOME HOOPS,

CATCH A SCARY AFTERNOON
DOUBLE FEATURE.

UH, GO GET A BURGER WITH THAT
GUY VINNIE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

I THINK WE'RE DIFFERENT.
MORE DIFFERENT THAN I THOUGHT.

WELL, IS THAT SO BAD?

NO, IT'S JUST...

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER
THAT IS OVER WITH?

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOT
SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON HERE?

NO, NO. TARYN, NO.

I LIKE YOU. I LIKE
YOU A LOT. IT'S JUST...

I DON'T THINK THAT WE CAN
BE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND.

NO, I GUESS NOT.

I HOPE WE CAN
STILL STAY FRIENDS.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

SOMETIMES BEING FRIENDS

IS ENOUGH TO WANNA MAKE LOVE.

YOUR BOWLING BALL'S IN THE
SAME PLACE AS YOUR MIND.

I THOUGHT THIS SPORT
WAS IN YOUR HERITAGE.

THAT'S BOCCE, NOT BOWLING.

COME ON, YOU TWO.
LOSE WITH DIGNITY.

MY TURN.

SHE'S UP! TAKE COVER!

- EXCUSE ME, SWEETIE CAKES!
- Guy: OH, YEAH, DUDE!

- Guy #2: WHOA!
- Girl #1: OKAY, WATCH. READY?

THREE HOURS.

NOT BAD.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

PINS, PIZZA, AND A FAT GUY
WITH HIS NAME ON HIS SHIRT.

MORE TO THE POINT,
HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU?

THERE YOU GO. SQUEEZE REAL HARD.

HOW ARE WANDA AND
BRADLEY GETTING ALONG?

THAT BRADLEY'S GOT
SOME REALLY SLEAZY MOVES.

FRANKLY, I'M IMPRESSED.

ENOUGH ABOUT THEM.
HOW'D YOU DO TONIGHT?

Bradley: COME ON, DROP!

- YEAH!
- THANKS!

IS THAT A YES? A
NO? WHAT IS THAT?

OKAY, MY TURN.

HI.

- HI.
- Guy: GO LEFT!

- YOU LOOK NICE.
- SO DO YOU.

FOR SOMEONE WITH 120
AVERAGE, YOU SURE ARE GETTING

A LOT OF PERSONAL INSTRUCTION.

YEAH, WELL, I WON'T BE SURPRISED

IF YOU LEARNED A FEW
THINGS YOURSELF TONIGHT.

YEAH, I DID.

- I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
- UH, I DO.

I'LL JUST BE OVER THERE BOWLING.

WHAT I LEARNED WAS I CAN'T
GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND.

WANDA, NOTHING HAPPENED.

Bradley: WANDA!

YOU'RE UP!

I GOTTA GO.

WANDA.

YOU WANNA... DO SOMETHING

TOMORROW NIGHT? MAYBE
GO TO A MOVIE OR SOMETHING?

A DATE?

UH-HUH.

WELL, I SORT OF TOLD BRAD I'D GO
TO THE MOVIES WITH HIM TOMORROW.

WELL THEN... I'LL CALL YOU.

SOMETIME.

OKAY, SURE.

SOMETIME.

Wanda's voice: Hi, can't
get to the phone right now.

Leave a message
and I'll get back to you.

HI, IT'S ME.

I guess you're
still out with Brad.

I just called to say that...

I don't know exactly
what I called to say.

OH, WHO AM I
KIDDING? YES, I DO, I...

I MISS YOU.

AND I REALLY WISH
WE WERE TOGETHER.

I miss you, Wanda.

And I, uh,

I love you.

- Doogie: HELLO?
- Wanda: Hi.