Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 22 - Vinnie's Blind Date - full transcript

Vinnie romances a blind girl that Doogie introduced him to at the hospital. When she gets an operation that will restore her sight, he worries that she will not find him physically attractive.

I never knew it
could be like this.

Nobody ever kissed
me the way you do.

Nobody?

No, nobody.

I NEVER KNEW IT
COULD BE LIKE THIS.

NOBODY EVER KISSED
ME THE WAY YOU DO.

- NOBODY?
- NO, NOBODY.

YOUR LIPS ARE ALL WET AND
SPONGY. IT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.

- WHAT IS THIS, JANINE?
- SHH!

WE GO OUT, BUT WHEN IT GETS DOWN
TO ANY PHYSICALITY WHATSOEVER,

YOU GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER.



- YEAH, THAT'S ACCURATE.
- WHAT'S THE STORY?

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL
ME WE'RE JUST FRIENDS?

NO, I DON'T LIKE YOU
ENOUGH TO BE FRIENDS.

SOMEDAY, WAY IN THE FUTURE,

WE MAY WORK OURSELVES
UP TO BEING FRIENDS.

I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU. THIS
RELATIONSHIP IS HISTORY.

- VINNIE, WAIT.
- YEAH?

DON'T TAKE THE POPCORN.

"DON'T TAKE THE POPCORN"!

I SHOULD'VE TOOK THE
DAMN POPCORN, I PAID FOR IT.

DO YOU BELIEVE
SHE SAID THAT TO ME?

DOOG?

I JUST MADE AN
IMPORTANT DECISION.

AS OF THIS MOMENT,
VINCENT DELPINO



IS CHOOSING A LIFE OF TOTAL
AND COMPLETE CELIBACY.

EXCUSE ME, BUT HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT
FROM VINCENT DELPINO'S LIFE UP TILL NOW?

IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT. UP TILL NOW,
I'VE HAD CELIBACY THRUST UPON ME.

IN THE FUTURE, I'LL BE
DENYING SEX TO MYSELF.

- SO NOW, YOU'LL BE
IN THE POWER POSITION?
- EXACTLY.

I'M FINISHED WITH WOMEN, DONE.

I'M NO LONGER A SLAVE
TO MY HORMONES.

WHO IS THAT GIRL?

PARDON ME, FATHER DELPINO,

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VOW
OF COMPLETE AND TOTAL CELIBACY?

I GAVE IT MY BEST SHOT, DOOG.

IT WASN'T A LIFESTYLE
THAT WORKED FOR ME.

HER NAME IS BERNADETTE CALLEN.

SHE LOST HER EYESIGHT IN A CAR
ACCIDENT ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO

AND SHE'S WAITING FOR A CORNEAL
TRANSPLANT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SHE'S THE PERFECT
WOMAN FOR ME. SHE'S BLIND.

NO, COME ON, THIS IS A HOSPITAL. YOU
CAN'T GO AROUND HARASSING THE PATIENTS.

DR. HOWSER, CAN
WE SEE YOU A MINUTE?

- RIGHT AWAY.
- COME ON, INTRODUCE ME.

- FORGET IT.
- COME ON.

LET GO OF MY JACKET.
HI, BERNADETTE.

HI, DOOGIE. I GOT MY BEEPER.

THEY'LL BEEP ME AS SOON
AS THEY GET A DONOR CORNEA.

BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING...

IF THAT HAPPENS WHILE YOU'RE OFF
DUTY, DOES THAT MEAN YOU WON'T BE THERE?

ALL OF A SUDDEN I SMELL GARLIC.

WE'RE VERY CLOSE
TO THE CAFETERIA.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE
THERE. I LEFT STRICT...

I LEFT STRICT INSTRUCTIONS
THAT WHEN THEY BEEP YOU,

THEY SHOULD BEEP ME TOO.

OH GOOD, THAT MAKES
ME FEEL A LOT BETTER.

I KNOW IT MUST BE YOUR
AGE OR SOMETHING...

YOU MAKE ME FEEL A
LOT MORE COMFORTABLE.

WELL, LOOK WHO JUST DROPPED BY.

BERNADETTE, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MY LIFELONG CHUM... VINNIE DELPINO.

- HI.
- WELL, HELLO THERE,
BERNADETTE.

- SO, I HEAR YOU'RE BLIND...
- VINNIE!

THAT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S THE PEOPLE THAT ARE AFRAID TO
EVEN SAY THE WORD THAT MAKE ME CRAZY.

DELPINO... WHAT IS THAT?
SICILIAN, OR IS THAT NEAPOLITAN?

IT'S ITALIAN.

YOU LIKE TO LAUGH, I LIKE
TO LAUGH. ARE WE A PAIR?

BERNADETTE, YOUR MOTHER
IS BRINGING THE CAR AROUND.

WHY DON'T I TAKE
YOU TO THE ENTRANCE?

NO, IT'S OKAY. I'LL
TAKE HER, CURLY.

CAN I OFFER YOU MY ARM?

SURE. OKAY, LET'S GO.

YOU KNOW, BERNADETTE, IF YOU
THINK I'M FUNNY IN A HOSPITAL,

YOU OUGHT TO HEAR ME ON A
DATE. IN ALL MODESTY, I AM A RIOT.

HEY, VINNIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE MOVING A LITTLE FAST HERE?

NO, IT'S OKAY. I'D LOVE
TO GO OUT ON A DATE.

IF YOU ASK ME, BEING
BLIND IS TOTALLY BORING.

SO HOW ABOUT THIS SATURDAY?

OH, NO WAY. SINCE THE ACCIDENT MY
PARENTS ARE COMPLETELY PARANOID.

- THEY WON'T
TRUST ME WITH ANYBODY.
- HEY, NO PROBLEM.

VINCENT DELPINO KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT
IT TAKES TO IMPRESS A GIRL'S PARENTS.

HI. BERNADETTE,
YOUR DATE'S HERE.

HER MOTHER AND I ARE REALLY
HAPPY SHE'S GOING OUT WITH YOU.

Bernadette: IT'S ALIVE!

Vinnie: COME ON,
DON'T BE AFRAID.

WHAT IS IT... A DOG?

YEAH, SURE A SIX-FOOT DOG.
YOU SEE THOSE EVERY DAY.

VINNIE, THIS IS SCARY.

- YOU WANNA STOP?
- NO.

IT ISN'T GONNA BITE ME, IS IT?

UH, I DON'T KNOW. LET ME
LOOK AT HIS FANGS HERE.

IT DOESN'T HAVE FANGS.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

I KNOW WHAT IS IT. IT'S A LLAMA.

AH, YOU ARE SO CLOSE. IT'S
A GOAT WITH A LONG NECK.

VINNIE!

OKAY, HER NAME IS LOIS.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

HOW DID YOU EVER THINK OF THIS?

WELL, I FIGURED YOU'D
BE A LOUSY BOWLER.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS THE NICEST THING ANYONE
HAS DONE FOR ME SINCE THE ACCIDENT.

YES!

LET'S GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

- LET'S GO.
- OKAY.

VINNIE, STAY WITH
HER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.
- HONEY, IT'S MOM.

- NOTIFY DR. MONTGOMERY
WE'RE HERE.
- YES, DOCTOR.

- GET A C.B.C.,
'LYTES AND A U.N.
- WHEN DID YOU LAST EAT?

- IT'S BEEN AT LEAST SIX HOURS.
- GREAT, ANESTHESIA IS WAITING.

HONEY, EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE. DON'T WORRY.

WAIT... VINNIE?

YEAH? YEAH, YEAH,
I'M RIGHT HERE.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

COME ON, HONEY, LET'S GO.

- HEY!
- WELL.

I KNOW YOU WANT ME, CURLY.
I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

BUT LIFE'S BEEN CRUEL TO
YOU. I'M OUT OF CIRCULATION.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M
GONNA GET OVER THIS.

- LUNCH, CURLY?
- SURE!

HE'S JUST A CHEAP SUBSTITUTE.

HUH! POOR KID.

- DOOGIE!
- HI, VIN. BE CAREFUL NEXT TIME.

- BYE, MOLLY.
- BYE. THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

- SO, HOW IS BERNIE TODAY?
- SHE'S DOING GREAT.

HER BANDAGES COME OFF TOMORROW

AND THERE IS A 90% CHANCE
THAT SHE'S GONNA SEE AGAIN.

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT
HER LAST NIGHT.

SHE WAS JUST THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL
HEAD FLOATING IN THE SKY.

WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD, 'CAUSE
USUALLY WHEN I DREAM ABOUT A GIRL,

SHE'S JUST A BIG
BODY WITH NO HEAD.

EXCEPT WHEN IT'S JANINE,
THEN SHE'S JUST A BIG MOUTH.

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE.

- ME? YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- WHY NOT?

I DON'T KNOW... I THOUGHT
I WAS TOO SHALLOW.

NO, I ALWAYS KNEW
YOU HAD IT IN YOU, SLICK.

HIYA, BERNIE.

VINNIE.

- HIYA, BERNIE.
- SCHOOL'S OVER ALREADY?

ALREADY?! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT
THROUGH SEVENTH-PERIOD ENGLISH.

MRS. HARTMAN IS ON
A SHAKESPEARE KICK.

SHE'S HAVING US READ
"ROMEO AND JULIET."

YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA
THINK I'M REAL DORKY,

BUT I LOVE THAT PLAY.

COULD YOU READ A
LITTLE OF IT TO ME?

OH COME ON, ALL THOSE THOUS
AND WHEREFORTHS AND STUFF...

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
LISTEN TO MUSIC?

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I LISTEN
TO WHITE SNAKE ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA NEED AN
EAR TRANSPLANT TOO.

OKAY.

BUT IF YOU DECIDE
TO LAUGH, REMEMBER...

I'M NOT ABOVE
PINCHING A BLIND GIRL.

LET'S SEE...

"BUT SOFT, WHAT LIGHT THROUGH
YONDER THE WINDOW BREAKS?

IT IS THE EAST AND
JULIET IS THE SUN..."

JULIET IS THE SUN.

"ARISE, FAIR SUN, AND
KILL THE ENVIOUS MOON

WHO IS ALREADY SICK
AND PALE WITH GRIEF

THAT THOU, HER MAID, ARE
FAR MORE FAIR THAN SHE.

BE NOT HER MAID,
SINCE SHE IS ENVIOUS;

HER VESTAL LIVERY IS
BUT SICK AND GREEN,

AND NONE BUT FOOLS DO WEAR IT.

CAST IT OFF.

IT IS MY LADY! O, IT IS MY LOVE!

O, THAT SHE KNEW SHE WERE!"

VINNIE?

THIS IS HOT STUFF, HUH?

I TOLD YOU.

THIS GUY REALLY
HAD IT BAD FOR HER.

YEAH, TOO BAD. THEY WERE
STAR-CROSSED LOVERS.

STAR-CROSSED? WHAT'S THAT?

IT WASN'T IN THEIR STARS TO BE
TOGETHER. THEIR LOVE WAS DOOMED.

THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

OH.

COME IN.

MRS. HOWSER,

I GOTTA KNOW SOMETHING.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

WHAT IS IT, VINNIE?

DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?

ATTRACTIVE? IN WHAT SENSE?

I MEAN SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.

UH... COULD YOU
BE MORE SPECIFIC?

MRS. HOWSER, PLEASE, MY
GUTS ARE HANGING OUT HERE.

VINNIE, LOOK, LOTS OF BOYS
FIND THEMSELVES ATTRACTED TO...

UNATTAINABLE WOMEN...

A TEACHER, A FRIEND'S PARENT.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, ARE YOU
LIKE TWO INCHES TALLER?

I'M WEARING ELEVATOR SHOES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO THEY
ADD TO MY SEXUAL AMBIENCE?

OKAY, THAT'S THE "S" WORD
MANY TOO MANY TIMES HERE.

VINNIE, THERE CAN NEVER
BE ANYTHING BETWEEN US.

EVER, EVER, EVER. I CAN'T
STRESS EVER TOO MUCH.

WELL, IT'S NOT YOU, MRS. HOWSER.

OH.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST NATURALLY ASSUMED...

WELL, I MEAN NOT
NATURALLY, BUT...

WHO IS IT?

I'M IN LOVE WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLIND CHICK.

DOOGIE'S PATIENT.

- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- SURE, AS LONG AS
SHE'S BLIND.

BUT TODAY, SHE'S GONNA
SEE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME

AND I'M WORRIED SHE'S NOT
GONNA LIKE THE WAY I LOOK.

I MEAN, I'M NO HUNK.

WELL, IF SHE CAN'T SEE WHAT
A WONDERFUL GUY YOU ARE...

PLEASE, NOT THE HE'S-GOT-A-GREAT-
PERSONALITY ROUTINE.

WELL, YOU DO.

LISTEN, THERE ARE LOTS
OF THINGS BESIDES LOOKS

THAT MAKE A MAN DESIRABLE...

A GOOD SENSE OF
HUMOR, SENSITIVITY.

- I GOT THOSE.
- HMM.

I WAS ATTRACTED TO DR. HOWSER

- BECAUSE OF HIS
PASSION FOR HIS WORK.
- SO THAT EXPLAINS IT.

ANYWAY,

THE PROBLEM IS, SOME GIRLS

HAVE TO GROW UP A LITTLE BEFORE THEY
CAN APPRECIATE THOSE OTHER QUALITIES.

AND IF BERNADETTE IS
ONE OF THOSE GIRLS...

IT MIGHT HURT.

SO I JUST HAVE TO GO
OUT AND TAKE MY CHANCES?

UM-HMM.

THANKS, MRS. H.

AND TRY TO REMEMBER
THIS ISN'T YOUR ONLY CHANCE.

YOU'RE GONNA FIND LOVE
MANY TIMES IN YOUR LIFE

IN THE MOST UNEXPECTED PLACES.

- ANYTHING ELSE?
- YEAH, 86 THE SHOES.

IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE A MOMENT
OR TWO FOR YOUR EYE TO FOCUS.

Doctor: DON'T BE UPSET IF
THINGS SEEM BLURRY AT FIRST.

- DOOGIE?
- YEAH.

YOU'RE SO CUTE.

THANK GOD!

THANK YOU.

- WHERE IS VINNIE?
- Mother: WHAT, HONEY?

I WANNA SEE VINNIE,
WHERE IS VINNIE?

YO, OVER HERE.

HOW'RE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE VINNIE?

HI.

WELL, LOOK...

I GOT MY CAR DOUBLE PARKED,

AND YOU PROBABLY GOT
THINGS YOU WANT TO LOOK AT,

SO MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

VINNIE. VINNIE, SHE WAS UNDER
A LOT OF STRESS IN THERE.

THIS IS A REALLY
CONFUSING TIME FOR HER.

LOOK, DON'T JERK ME AROUND.

YOU SAW IT AND I SAW
IT. SHE DON'T WANT ME.

- JUST GIVE HER A CHANCE.
- SHE DON'T WANT ONE.

THAT CORNEA IS
HEALING BEAUTIFULLY.

IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE
WE CAN DO YOUR OTHER EYE.

YOU'VE GOT REALLY GREAT HAIR.

THANKS. ALL I DO IS BLOW-DRY
IT ONCE IN THE MORNING.

HI, VINNIE.

HELLO.

IT'S AFTER VISITING HOURS.

I'M JUST GONNA BE A MINUTE.

SHE NEEDS HER REST, SPORT.

HOW IS THE NEW EYEBALL?

IT'S GREAT. AND THEY TELL ME THAT
MY VISION IS GONNA GET EVEN BETTER.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW, BERNADETTE, IT'S NOT
RIGHT TO STRING SOMEBODY ALONG.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA HURT THEIR
FEELINGS EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

- VINNIE, I'M...
- THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I'M SORRY, BUT WE'VE BEEN HAVING
WHAT I WOULD CALL A HOSPITAL ROMANCE.

IT'S LIKE TWO PEOPLE WHO
MEET IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE
EXCITEMENT THAT MAKES THEIR FEELINGS

SEEM REAL STRONG. BUT
WHEN THE WAR IS OVER...

I'M REALLY GLAD WE
FEEL THE SAME WAY.

I HOPE SOMEDAY I CAN FALL IN
LOVE WITH SOMEBODY AS NICE AS YOU.

YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT.

VINNIE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
KISS ME GOODBYE?

I'D BETTER NOT.

IT'LL JUST MAKE IT
HARDER FOR YOU.

I'M REALLY GLAD
YOU CAN SEE AGAIN.

HONEST.

- OY!
- COME ON, DOOG,
PUT IT UP. SHOOT IT.

COME ON, PUT IT UP. HOOK SHOT,
HOOK SHOT! COME ON, SHOOT!

- WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
- THAT'S MY STRATEGY, DOOG.

I'M GONNA DAZZLE YOU WITH MY MOUTH
WORK. TRY TO GET IT AWAY FROM ME.

HUP, HUP, HUP!

HO! HUP, HUP, HUP.

VINNIE, I'M REALLY GETTING
SICK OF THIS. CAN'T WE STOP?

I FEEL THE NEED FOR
SOME MALE BONDING.

CAN'T YOU JUST TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
WITHOUT US HAVING TO SWEAT TOGETHER?

THERE ARE NO WORDS
TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL.

TRY.

OKAY,

I FEEL LIKE SHE PUNCHED
A HOLE IN MY CHEST,

RIPPED OUT MY HEART,
SLICED IT, DICED IT,

PUT IT THROUGH A BLENDER,
PURÉED IT AND SET IT ON FIRE.

THERE YOU GO... THAT
WAS GOOD, VERY GOOD.

OH YEAH, THAT WAS VERY SOOTHING.

I'M A NEW MAN.

I WISH I NEVER MET THAT GIRL.

IT'S KIND OF YOUR FAULT
FOR INTRODUCING ME.

VINNIE, USUALLY WITH
GIRLS YOU'RE A LECHEROUS,

INSENSITIVE, PUSHY,
FEEL-COPPING HORN DOG.

YEAH, THAT'S CORRECT.

BUT YOU DIDN'T ACT
LIKE THAT WITH BERNIE.

INSTEAD OF TRYING TO
GET WHAT YOU COULD GET,

YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
MAKING HER HAPPY.

THAT'S A BIG PART OF WHAT LOVE IS
AND... YOU WERE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

LOT OF GOOD IT DID ME.

YOU NEVER KNOW, IT MAY
COME IN HANDY SOMETIME.

HI, DOOGIE.

HI, VINNIE.

WELL, HI, JANINE.

DO YOU MIND IF I
TALK TO VINNIE ALONE?

OH, NO, I'LL JUST GO TO MY...

I GUESS I CAN'T GO TO MY ROOM. I'LL
JUST GO TO SOMEBODY ELSE'S ROOM.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AROUND HERE, SLUMMING?

YOUR MOTHER SAID YOU WERE HERE.

THERE'S AN OLD MOVIE
PLAYING AT THE FOX

THAT I THOUGHT YOU'D
PROBABLY LIKE TO SEE.

"THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN"?

NO OFFENSE.

WAIT A SECOND... ARE YOU
ASKING ME TO GO TO A MOVIE? WHY?

I KNOW THIS IS GOING
TO SOUND BIZARRE,

BUT... I MISSED YOU.

YOU MISSED ME?

- GO AHEAD, RUB IT IN.
- WHAT DID YOU MISS MOST,

MY GRABBY HANDS
OR MY SPONGY LIPS?

DO YOU THINK I'M
HAPPY ABOUT THIS?

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

I'VE SEARCHED MY
MIND FOR A REASON

AND I DON'T
UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.

ALL I KNOW IS...

I FOUND OUT YOU HAD A
DATE WITH THIS OTHER GIRL

- AND I WAS JEALOUS.
- YOU WERE JEALOUS?

ARE YOU GONNA REPEAT
EVERYTHING I SAY?

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
ABOUT THESE NEWBORN FEELINGS?

ARE YOU GONNA PUKE ON ME?

HUH-UH.

WOW!

SO...

DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE
GOING TOGETHER?

YES.

IT'S REALLY GONNA KILL
MY REPUTATION, BUT YES.

THEN LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES.

CAREFUL, JANINE.

OH, DARLING, COULD YOU POSSIBLY LEND
ME A COUPLE OF BUCKS FOR THE MOVIE?

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