Dollface (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
‐ I don't love you anymore.
‐ I don't really know what to do now.
JEREMY:
Go back to hanging out with other women.
‐ What? You never seen
an old cat lady before?
‐ There seems to be a hold
on your account as a woman.
‐ Are you saying I don't have any‐‐
‐ Friends.
JULES: No, I have friends.
‐ Oh my god! Jeremy broke up with you!
‐ What? That's crazy.
I'm here to see you...
‐ It's been a minute, babe.
In college, I always got the impression
that I made you feel uncomfortable.
‐ Tzatziki!
JULES: I really appreciate you taking
the time to meet with me, Ms. Oslow.
‐ [muffled]
Oh, please. Call me Celeste.
‐ Hey, Alison. Alison B.
Other Alison B.
‐ Hey, Jules.
My name isn't Alison.
It's Isadora Grossman‐Levine.
Basically, my entire
adult life is built on a lie!
‐ Look, he's moved on. So should you.
JULES: I mean, I have been
texting a little bit with that guy Wes.
Ooh, I don't want you to kiss me.
It would be the beginning of
something I'm not ready for.
‐ I'm dating someone.
Everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.
‐ I applied to business school.
I think there's a version of
settled‐down‐me I'm interested in meeting.
‐ I was just thinking about you.
WOMAN: Wes,
can you bring me another
towel for my hair?
‐ Colin is married. Divorced, practically.
‐ I'd be lying if I said that Woöm hadn't
gotten in the way of my marriage.
COLIN: Someone talking about me?
JULES: Colin's married to Celeste.
‐ What is wrong with you?
‐ I heard back from Penn, and I'm moving
to Philadelphia in the fall.
‐ Look, Jules,
our friendship is far from perfect,
but it's worth it to me.
‐ Colin, this is Madison Maxwell.
She's quite the rising PR star.
JULES [on mic]:
Hey! Fuck!
You!
[thud]
I have no clue if I still
have a job or an income,
but I'm glad I have you guys.
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way
we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the, miss the, miss the... ♪
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way
we used to funk ♪
‐ It's quarantine day one.
I'm here with my best friend...
because she has toilet paper.
‐ Turns out Ramona's wedding
last weekend
was something called
a "super‐spreader" event.
‐ What should we do?
‐ Just watch TV until this thing is over?
♪
♪ And it ain't hard
to get me saucy, no ♪
‐ Hi guys, this is me here in Philly,
just freezin' my tits off.
Those are all my books.
I've learned how to
become a businesswoman
so I can work from home
for the rest of my life.
Miss you all so much.
♪ Baby, come dance on me ♪
♪ You're the only one
who can handle me ♪
♪ And I want you back ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
‐ Well, we're still here.
‐ What are we even watching?
‐ It doesn't matter.
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the,
miss the, miss the... ♪
‐ I feel genuine sexual attraction
to the Moroccan tile in that pool.
‐ I just applaud the twins' commitment
to exclusively sell luxury real estate
in 17‐inch heels.
♪ I miss the way you talk to me ♪
♪ I miss the way you handle me ♪
‐ Shut the fuck up.
We went to college with her.
Delaney. Freshman year.
She was in our dorm.
‐ Oh, I remember.
She gave our RA shingles.
How did she get $5 million?
"Designer decal brand"?
She got rich from stickers?!
‐ And how the hell does she have
a husband and a baby?
What was she, a child bride?
‐ We're almost 30. I think the child bride
window closed a while ago.
‐ Fuck.
‐ I just think it's stupid to make
such a big deal out of a birthday.
You go to bed on Tuesday 29,
you wake up on Wednesday 30.
Nothing else is different.
‐ Well, I just think there's value
to acknowledging a milestone
and checking in with yourself
about the place you're at in life.
‐ Well, there's no value
if it makes you upset.
I don't get why you
let this stress you out.
‐ I don't get why you
don't let it stress you out!
♪
I mean, we spent the last part
of our official youth stuck inside.
Not moving up at work,
not meeting new guys.
Just here, watering house plants.
You have too many plants!
‐ Look, you're allowed to be upset.
You got cheated on,
you got furloughed. But,
you're going back to work this week,
and you will be crushing
it again in no time.
Unlike me who is getting fired
the minute Celeste gets back in town.
‐ You don't know that for sure.
‐ Her email said,
"See me in my office
before the staff meeting."
That's the boss version of,
"We need to talk."
‐ Okay, you're getting fired.
But, you know, it might be for the best.
It's not like you love working there.
You know, maybe it'll help you find
a place you're more excited about.
‐ Right now, the only place I'm excited
about is the airport to pick up Stella.
Is Izzy coming?
[FaceTime ringtone]
LIAM [on phone]: Hi, guys.
‐ Hi, Liam.
‐ Hi, Liam.
LIAM:
Jumping in the shower, babe.
‐ I guess what Bad Gal Riri said
all those years ago was true.
You can find love in
a hopeless place, even if that place
is a Zoom networking mixer.
I'm running late, for obvious reasons...
LIAM: Can you grab me a towel, babe?
‐ Oh, Jesus!
‐ Whoa! Dick in the frame!
♪
[airplane flying overhead]
[Announcement over P.A.]:
Flight DF201 from Philadelphia
has been delayed.
MADISON: Oh shit.
Stella's flight's delayed.
‐ Aren't delayed flights
what Wetzel's Pretzels'
entire empire is built on?
‐ So, you know how we're both turning 30
and are nowhere near the places
we thought we'd be in our lives?
‐ Yes, I recall the tears
and panic from 20 minutes ago.
‐ Well, I don't wanna be
nowhere when we turn 30.
I wanna be somewhere... Like Greece!
‐ Greece?
‐ Yeah!
Celebrating with my best friend!
White buildings, blue ocean,
a beach in Santorini.
‐ Okay, I would just like
to reiterate my desire
not to make a huge
deal out of my birthday.
But, I guess I could
picture us on a beach.
‐ Right? This could be
exactly what we need.
‐ Let's go talk to the travel lady.
‐ Hiya, kittens!
‐ And here we go again.
‐ We're hoping you can help us
book some upcoming travel.
‐ You betcha, I can! Right this way.
Come on! Come along! Come along!
[Announcement over P.A.]:
Business class boarding on flight 723
to becoming your mother
will begin in 10 minutes.
[high‐pitched horn honks]
‐ Where are they all going?
CAT LADY:
All sorts of places.
Settling down in the suburbs,
layovers to divorce...
There's a direct route
to actual fulfillment,
but, darnedest thing,
there are never any seats
on that one! [laughs]
Come on!
♪
They're all taking
flights to their future!
Just like you two have to do.
‐ Well, we just wanna stay together.
‐ You won't be able to figure out
where you're meant to go
if you worry about that too much, kitten!
‐ What do you mean? That makes no sense
with that friendship stuff you
told me to do a year ago.
[brakes screech]
‐ Are you saying
being a woman means you're constantly
faced with unfair contradictions
about the way you act?
‐ I'm serious!
What happened to the whole,
"My relationships with women
have to be sacred" thing?
[brakes creak]
‐ Well, maybe one of those women
is supposed to be you.
Shoo! Shoo! Get out! Get out! Get out!
♪
Safe travels, girls!
Good luck figuring out where
you wanna go, Dollface!
Yeehaw!
[board clicking]
[airport chatter]
‐ Madison?
[Announcement over P.A.]
Jules Wiley, where the fuck are you going?
[board clicking]
[sighs]
JULES: Hey!
‐ Hey! You okay?
‐ Yeah,
I just thought I lost you for a second.
‐ I was just getting us
a brochure for Greece.
‐ I'm here!
She's here! [laughs]
‐ I knew you losers would
make a sign. [laughs]
♪ Oh... ♪
[laughter, overlapping chatter]
‐ Woo! [laughs]
‐ Easy!
♪ So bad... ♪
‐ I am borderline not processing
how happy I am
that we are all back together.
‐ Does it feel good to be home, Stel?
‐ [scoffs] You have no idea. I mean,
the small talk I had
to make with my weed dealer
was getting really annoying.
‐ So, that's what you miss most about LA?
Legalized marijuana?
‐ No. Obviously, I missed you guys,
but it was like, please,
just let me purchase
drugs in broad daylight
from a store with my AirPods on.
As should be my right.
Are all these boxes mine?
‐ Uh, some of them are my random storage
stuff from high school and college.
JULES: So, besides being happy to
be near a MedMen, are you excited
for your fancy finance internship?
‐ [sighs]
I still can't believe I got it.
My entire class applied
to work for this bank.
‐ How long until you accept
your inevitable future of being
a beautiful billionaire genius?
‐ Ready? Okay!
‐ Very triggering that that fits you.
‐ Our girl is back, she's come on home,
without my Stel, I felt alone.
‐ I mean, we were here the whole time.
‐ Working at a bank, managing wealth,
leave me again, and I'll
kill... my... self!
‐ Really felt certain she was gonna
take it too far, and she did.
‐ Uh, I get that you missed me,
Iz, but we talked every day.
I mean, I still haven't met Liam,
and yet I've seen his dick twice on Zoom.
‐ You guys are finally
gonna get to meet him
in person because...
he's being honored at
the LA Reporter 30 Under 30 party,
and I want us all to go.
It's gonna be Roaring '20s‐themed!
‐ I remember when I thought
I was gonna be on that last.
Before I failed to accomplish
literally all of my life goals.
‐ My sensitive baby angel.
Can we not backslide
into the sadness from
this morning, please?
Because, again, 30 doesn't
have to be a big deal!
[grunting]
And also, that is not true.
‐ It is. And I have proof.
‐ Holy shit, are those our vision boards?
I forgot the very specific
brand of earnest
you were senior year of college.
MADISON:
See? My dream house in Bronson Canyon,
a Vera Wang wedding gown,
pictures of all the actors
who thank their publicist in major
award acceptance speeches,
the 30 Under 30 list.
‐ I actually went to
most of these festivals.
‐ Jules, what's on your board?
‐ I‐I don't think I took
the activity very seriously.
♪
I just think doing stuff
like this is kinda dumb.
‐ Stuff like deciding what
you want out of life?
‐ No, I know what I want out of life.
‐ You do?
‐ It's obvious!
To be a poorly drawn penis!
♪
‐ Wow. They are really serious about
the start paperwork at this place.
Last time I did this much
on‐boarding was at yacht week.
‐ Did you fill out a W2 for that?
Isn't it in Europe?
‐ Oh, no. It‐it was a joke,
like how you board a yacht.
‐ Oh.
[quiet office chatter]
‐ Uh, never mind.
♪
[clears throat]
♪
‐ Do you know why we're here?
‐ Because I'm... fired.
‐ Why would you be fired?
‐ Because of the time
I blew up your marriage...
at a wedding... over a sound system?
‐ Yes, I remember.
‐ Okay. Just making sure.
‐ Switch seats with me.
‐ What?
‐ Up. Let's go.
JULES:
O... kay.
[seat cushion whooshes]
Ooh.
CELESTE:
You're in charge of the meeting now, so...
begin.
‐ [nervous laugh] Uh,
I'm gonna need some additional context on,
uh, what the hell is happening here.
‐ I realized, as I sat alone for a year,
with the exception of a few
hookups with younger men,
that I'm no longer a wife.
I'm not a mother,
and, yes, I have perfect skin
and I'm wildly successful, but...
what is my legacy?
‐ That sounded pretty good.
‐ The Alisons were my two right hands.
I molded them.
And now, they've gone off
and started their own company
in direct competition with me.
And I'm proud in a way that
often feels like quiet rage.
So...
if you stay, I will mentor you,
and I will mold you,
and you will be my new right hand.
But you have to want it.
You can be promoted, you can be
fired, resign.
It's all up to you.
‐ This feels like a very
Mr. Miyagi "wax on, wax off" moment.
‐ No. The only wax
I'm getting is a Brazilian,
and it's at 4:00,
so if we could speed this up.
‐ Great! Well, meeting adjourned.
Thanks for coming.
‐ Oh, and Jules?
If you decide to leave,
or you have any other
uncomfortable news that you wish
to share with me in the future,
don't announce it into
a fucking mic, okay?
‐ Ooh. E‐extremely fair. Yep. Hm.
Neh! [laughs]
♪
‐ What's going on?
‐ They're firing everybody.
Fuck this year.
♪
[exhales]
‐ I am so sorry.
IZZY:
Well, I never liked them anyway.
You were always way out of their league.
And when that large
Los Angeles‐based PR firm
gets drunk at 2 AM and texts you,
you will not be around.
‐ I agree with Izzy.
Minus the metaphor that makes
absolutely no sense.
You will find something better.
‐ [sighs] Well,
I guess we're in the same boat now, Jules.
And it has a deep hole in it.
‐ Well... [clears throat]
‐ Wait, did you not get fired?
‐ I'm... not sure.
It's still not decided 'cause she decided
the decision is up to me.
Either I leave, or she promotes me
to be her right hand.
I mean, I promote myself.
It's a whole thing.
MADISON: Uh...
Hold on!
You have the option to promote yourself,
and you don't know what you're gonna do?
‐ It's a lot of pressure
to suddenly be the boss
of a job you thought you lost,
that you don't even know if you want!
I don't wanna talk about this.
‐ No, wait, we need to talk about this!
STELLA:
While we yell at Jules, Madison,
maybe you should start getting
ready 'cause, love you,
but you are not fast with a curling iron.
‐ You know what?
I'm not fast with a curling iron.
I suck at hair. I suck at everything!
You guys should just go without me.
You all look cute,
and I don't wanna face people.
‐ Honestly, I know I should
be there to support Liam,
but I might be in favor
of staying home, too.
We haven't been out
in public together yet,
and I'm worried he's too handsome.
Like, what if people see me
and think I'm a middle school girl
who won a date with a pop star
on a radio contest?
‐ Okay, first of all, no, you won't.
But, to be honest,
my internship is bumming me out,
and I feel like I have bank stank.
Maybe we do bail.
‐ Okay, no!
Everyone has been on my shit nonstop
about what I wanna do with my damn life,
so I'm officially making a decision.
I want to get very,
very drunk at this party with all of you!
Do you know how often you three
have insisted that going to a party
is the answer to all my problems?
We're doing that tonight! Very hard.
‐ I mean, but don't you think
a party designed to celebrate
a bunch of people my age who
are way more successful than me
might just end up making me feel worse?
‐ That's what the open bar is for,
right, Stella?
‐ Fucking love party Jules.
‐ Open bar!
STELLA/IZZY:
Open bar!
Open bar! Open bar!
Open bar!
‐ Bring me my iron!
♪ We like it when our hips shake ♪
♪ '20s‐themed dance music ♪
[laughs]
‐ A Roaring '20s party
to honor people in their 20s
for being 30 under 30
in the actual 2020s.
I do love a well‐executed theme.
‐ Other than basically
no one having any rights,
the past seemed fun.
‐ Ooh! There's the... absinthe bar?
Fine, I'll drink it even if it
wiped out an entire generation.
‐ I think I just spotted
the non‐naked part of Izzy's boyfriend.
‐ [gasps] Liam!
♪ music continues ♪
‐ [laughs] Wow, you look amazing, baby!
‐ Oh my god! Shut up!
Stop. I mean, don't. Okay, Liam,
I'm so excited to officially,
in person, introduce you to‐‐
‐ Jules,
Madison, and, of course,
the famous Stella.
I've heard so much about you guys.
And when I say "so much,"
I mean a truly long list
of personal details
you probably didn't want shared.
Oh hey, I got some drink
tickets here for you ladies.
‐ Tickets? We were told open bar.
LIAM: Yeah, they're doing this
Prohibition shtick where
you redeem a ticket
for a drink from the bar and back.
‐ Congrats on making the list, by the way.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Liam basically runs Saq,
which is like the male version of Woöm.
He's insanely impressive.
LIAM:
Oh, come on. You are the only
4‐under‐30 I care about
impressing tonight.
But, while you guys grab drinks,
there are a few work people
I would love to introduce you to.
Shmoop?
[Izzy giggles]
‐ We're mingling. We're mingling.
We're in public, and we're mingling.
‐ Bar?
STELLA/MADISON: Bar.
‐ Yeah.
♪ music continues ♪
[party chatter]
‐ [sighs] Well, this is a small nightmare.
‐ And it's about to be a large one.
‐ Delaney.
MADISON:
Ugh, I saw her on TV the other day.
‐ Oh. My. God!
Look who it is!
I haven't seen you girls in years!
‐ Delaney! [laughs] Hey, girl! Oh!
[both kiss, laugh]
[awkward laughter trails off]
Wow! So...
are you being featured on the list?
‐ Oh, no.
I was on the list when I was 26.
They just hired my brand to make
some custom decals for the event.
‐ Wow. These are so...
capitalized! I feel like
they're yelling at me!
‐ Inspirational posters are out.
Motivational stickers are in.
They are huge on Etsy right now.
‐ Oh, I saw you on Buying Bel Air!
‐ Oh! Hi...
‐ Run. Give me your tickets
and save yourselves.
I'll find you with drinks if this
conversation doesn't kill me.
‐ We can't let you do this.
‐ Madison, you're not gonna make it.
Jules, you're a goddamn hero.
‐ Oh... no! Where did the girls go?
I was so excited to catch up.
‐ Oh! Um, they both had to pee. [laughs]
You know, UTIs.
You do everything right,
and yet still pee city.
‐ So, what's new with you?
Any big plans coming up?
Fun stuff at work...
FORTUNE TELLER:
Feel free to sit.
I'll give you a reading.
MADISON: Ooh.
This is exciting.
FORTUNE TELLER: It's a three‐card reading
for insight into your past,
present, and future.
‐ Great. Hit me!
‐ The Devil...
the Nightmare...
and Death.
‐ Hit me again.
‐ I hate having my picture taken.
‐ Oh my god, he's so hot.
And, like, modest?
‐ Oh, he's, like, modest hot.
So, how did you guys meet?
‐ Oh, we met late in the pandemic. Yeah.
Our first real date was
actually paddle boating
in separate paddle boats.
It was still cute though.
‐ Oh, got it. That makes more sense.
‐ Uh, what makes more sense?
‐ You know, just how hard times can,
like, really bond people.
‐ Totally. Even people you wouldn't
normally expect to get together.
‐ For sure. Right.
Totally. Uh, sorry.
I think just recognized my old...
rabbi.
Rabbi Shmuley!
‐ Oh! God, no! No, no.
Jeremy and I haven't been
together for a while.
He broke up with me.
Which is fine because I don't think
I really loved him.
Who knows if I've ever
been in love with anyone?
Put that on a sticker, right?
[laughs]
Man, this line is just not moving, huh?
‐ Uh, so what about work?
Where are you again?
‐ I'm still at Woöm, trying to decide
if I'm gonna make a move
in either an up or out direction.
‐ Well, that's an exciting brand!
I bet if you keep getting promoted,
you will be on this list in no time.
‐ Oh, well, I'm, uh, crossing
the 30 threshold in a couple months,
so probably not.
‐ Oh my god!
That's right. My husband
wants to surprise me for mine.
Classic, right?
‐ I would not know at all. [laughs]
‐ What a huge year for us.
What are you‐‐
‐ I'm sorry. I'm gonna
have to stop you here.
I would make up an excuse about also
having a UTI, but the truth is, genuinely,
I just can't have this
conversation anymore.
I mean, you are talking about everything
I came to this party to not talk about,
so, respectfully,
I'm just gonna walk away now.
Great unexpectedly
running into you though!
Definitely the thing I miss most
about large‐scale social gatherings.
Must find alcohol.
You! Hi! I work for
the party planner people.
Uh, could you remind me where
they keep the backup alcohol?
‐ Should be more bottles
in the storeroom upstairs.
♪ muffled music ♪
[quietly] Bingo!
Where are you, alcohol?
♪
Come on, really?
What is this, another metaphor?
I get it, universe.
My life is one big empty nothing!
Can I please, please
just have a drink now?
Oh shit.
Okay, what?
Delaney!
Is this really happening?
Can you see me right now?
‐ Yeah. We all do.
[Emcee over P.A.]:
Ladies and gentlemen and honorees,
please welcome our Roaring '20s
entertainment for the evening,
the 30 Under 30 Showgirl Follies!
♪ swing music ♪
‐ Oh god, oh god,
oh my god, oh my god...
Um...
Hi, excuse me! Okay‐‐
Excuse me! There's, uh,
there's been an ill‐timed mistake!
Pardon me. Yep. Okay‐‐
Oh. You're this way?
Um‐‐ [whimpers]
Just let me‐‐
Just let me pick a lane! Oh...
Oh...
We all want the same thing,
and it's me not up here!
[applause]
This bar is supposed to be open!
[clanging]
Prohibit that!
Excuse me!
‐ Just one more time. Hit me.
See if we can't turn mama's luck around.
‐ Jesus, Madison,
she's not a blackjack dealer, okay?
You're freaking out the fortune teller.
‐ She said she learned
how to read tarot on TikTok.
We should move on.
‐ Just accept what's in the cards‐‐
‐ I can't!
JULES: There you are.
Bottoms up. I did not get ice.
‐ Ew!
Oh, I think mine is
just straight olive juice.
‐ Mm. Take mine. It's whiskey.
‐ I thought I was having a bad night.
Are you gonna be okay, Jules?
‐ [shudders] I don't know
what I'm gonna be.
I'm gonna be drunk in about
six minutes, I can tell you that much.
Wait! [laughs]
I should just let this lady here
tell me what I'm gonna be, huh?
Since everyone here is
so interested to know.
♪
Ha! [laughs]
‐ What is it?
‐ It's blank!
‐ Well, that's weird.
‐ No, it's not. It's my future. I get it.
‐ Bullshit.
‐ What? It doesn't matter!
MADISON: You know,
I am tired of this.
It does matter. It has to.
Look, even when it hurts because it does.
And‐and maybe to me,
this one birthday matters too much.
But, if you feel like
nothing matters at all,
then that's how your life is gonna be.
And if you want
your life to mean something,
then you're gonna have to start to care.
‐ I care about you guys.
MADISON: Look, I know,
but you have to care about you.
We can't do that for you.
♪
‐ Are you calling an Uber?
She's calling an Uber!
‐ Look, I'm sorry if I was too harsh.
I‐I'm dealing with my own stuff,
and I was just trying to help.
Look, please don't leave alone.
[Jules sighs]
‐ I was emailing Celeste.
I told her I wanna take the promotion.
[slaps table]
‐ Well, shit.
IZZY:
That's amazing!
I'm worried for, you know,
typos that might be in there right now,
but still very cool.
‐ You really did?
‐ Yeah.
I guess I should start putting something
on my vision board besides dicks.
‐ Oh, I figured it out.
That's just the card that comes
in the back of the pack.
‐ Should we get the fuck out of here?
I don't know how much longer
I can be at this specific party.
‐ Agreed.
‐ Strongly agree.
‐ I know where we should go.
♪ Fly Away by Tones And I ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ I fly away ♪
♪No one knew how low I was feeling ♪
♪ I was scared to reach for it all ♪
♪ Knowing I was here for a reason ♪
♪ But I was scared that if I tried ♪
♪ I'd fall ♪
♪ So, where do I go now I'm in it? ♪
♪ I never thought it'd be like this ♪
♪ Dreaming all my life, and I did it ♪
♪ Thought the grass
was greener than it is ♪
♪ 'Cause I had a dream that someday ♪
♪ I would just fly, fly away ♪
♪ And I always knew I couldn't stay ♪
♪ So I had a dream
that I'd just fly away ♪
♪ Away, oh ♪
♪ Fly, fly ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'd fly away ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'd fly away ♪
♪ 'Cause I had a dream ♪
♪ That some day ♪
♪ I would just fly, fly away ♪
♪ And I always knew I couldn't stay ♪
♪ So I had a dream
that I'd just fly away ♪
♪ Away, oh ♪
♪ Fly, fly away ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I fly away ♪♪
‐ I don't really know what to do now.
JEREMY:
Go back to hanging out with other women.
‐ What? You never seen
an old cat lady before?
‐ There seems to be a hold
on your account as a woman.
‐ Are you saying I don't have any‐‐
‐ Friends.
JULES: No, I have friends.
‐ Oh my god! Jeremy broke up with you!
‐ What? That's crazy.
I'm here to see you...
‐ It's been a minute, babe.
In college, I always got the impression
that I made you feel uncomfortable.
‐ Tzatziki!
JULES: I really appreciate you taking
the time to meet with me, Ms. Oslow.
‐ [muffled]
Oh, please. Call me Celeste.
‐ Hey, Alison. Alison B.
Other Alison B.
‐ Hey, Jules.
My name isn't Alison.
It's Isadora Grossman‐Levine.
Basically, my entire
adult life is built on a lie!
‐ Look, he's moved on. So should you.
JULES: I mean, I have been
texting a little bit with that guy Wes.
Ooh, I don't want you to kiss me.
It would be the beginning of
something I'm not ready for.
‐ I'm dating someone.
Everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.
‐ I applied to business school.
I think there's a version of
settled‐down‐me I'm interested in meeting.
‐ I was just thinking about you.
WOMAN: Wes,
can you bring me another
towel for my hair?
‐ Colin is married. Divorced, practically.
‐ I'd be lying if I said that Woöm hadn't
gotten in the way of my marriage.
COLIN: Someone talking about me?
JULES: Colin's married to Celeste.
‐ What is wrong with you?
‐ I heard back from Penn, and I'm moving
to Philadelphia in the fall.
‐ Look, Jules,
our friendship is far from perfect,
but it's worth it to me.
‐ Colin, this is Madison Maxwell.
She's quite the rising PR star.
JULES [on mic]:
Hey! Fuck!
You!
[thud]
I have no clue if I still
have a job or an income,
but I'm glad I have you guys.
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way
we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the, miss the, miss the... ♪
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the way
we used to funk ♪
‐ It's quarantine day one.
I'm here with my best friend...
because she has toilet paper.
‐ Turns out Ramona's wedding
last weekend
was something called
a "super‐spreader" event.
‐ What should we do?
‐ Just watch TV until this thing is over?
♪
♪ And it ain't hard
to get me saucy, no ♪
‐ Hi guys, this is me here in Philly,
just freezin' my tits off.
Those are all my books.
I've learned how to
become a businesswoman
so I can work from home
for the rest of my life.
Miss you all so much.
♪ Baby, come dance on me ♪
♪ You're the only one
who can handle me ♪
♪ And I want you back ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
‐ Well, we're still here.
‐ What are we even watching?
‐ It doesn't matter.
♪ I miss the way we used to funk ♪
♪ I miss the,
miss the, miss the... ♪
‐ I feel genuine sexual attraction
to the Moroccan tile in that pool.
‐ I just applaud the twins' commitment
to exclusively sell luxury real estate
in 17‐inch heels.
♪ I miss the way you talk to me ♪
♪ I miss the way you handle me ♪
‐ Shut the fuck up.
We went to college with her.
Delaney. Freshman year.
She was in our dorm.
‐ Oh, I remember.
She gave our RA shingles.
How did she get $5 million?
"Designer decal brand"?
She got rich from stickers?!
‐ And how the hell does she have
a husband and a baby?
What was she, a child bride?
‐ We're almost 30. I think the child bride
window closed a while ago.
‐ Fuck.
‐ I just think it's stupid to make
such a big deal out of a birthday.
You go to bed on Tuesday 29,
you wake up on Wednesday 30.
Nothing else is different.
‐ Well, I just think there's value
to acknowledging a milestone
and checking in with yourself
about the place you're at in life.
‐ Well, there's no value
if it makes you upset.
I don't get why you
let this stress you out.
‐ I don't get why you
don't let it stress you out!
♪
I mean, we spent the last part
of our official youth stuck inside.
Not moving up at work,
not meeting new guys.
Just here, watering house plants.
You have too many plants!
‐ Look, you're allowed to be upset.
You got cheated on,
you got furloughed. But,
you're going back to work this week,
and you will be crushing
it again in no time.
Unlike me who is getting fired
the minute Celeste gets back in town.
‐ You don't know that for sure.
‐ Her email said,
"See me in my office
before the staff meeting."
That's the boss version of,
"We need to talk."
‐ Okay, you're getting fired.
But, you know, it might be for the best.
It's not like you love working there.
You know, maybe it'll help you find
a place you're more excited about.
‐ Right now, the only place I'm excited
about is the airport to pick up Stella.
Is Izzy coming?
[FaceTime ringtone]
LIAM [on phone]: Hi, guys.
‐ Hi, Liam.
‐ Hi, Liam.
LIAM:
Jumping in the shower, babe.
‐ I guess what Bad Gal Riri said
all those years ago was true.
You can find love in
a hopeless place, even if that place
is a Zoom networking mixer.
I'm running late, for obvious reasons...
LIAM: Can you grab me a towel, babe?
‐ Oh, Jesus!
‐ Whoa! Dick in the frame!
♪
[airplane flying overhead]
[Announcement over P.A.]:
Flight DF201 from Philadelphia
has been delayed.
MADISON: Oh shit.
Stella's flight's delayed.
‐ Aren't delayed flights
what Wetzel's Pretzels'
entire empire is built on?
‐ So, you know how we're both turning 30
and are nowhere near the places
we thought we'd be in our lives?
‐ Yes, I recall the tears
and panic from 20 minutes ago.
‐ Well, I don't wanna be
nowhere when we turn 30.
I wanna be somewhere... Like Greece!
‐ Greece?
‐ Yeah!
Celebrating with my best friend!
White buildings, blue ocean,
a beach in Santorini.
‐ Okay, I would just like
to reiterate my desire
not to make a huge
deal out of my birthday.
But, I guess I could
picture us on a beach.
‐ Right? This could be
exactly what we need.
‐ Let's go talk to the travel lady.
‐ Hiya, kittens!
‐ And here we go again.
‐ We're hoping you can help us
book some upcoming travel.
‐ You betcha, I can! Right this way.
Come on! Come along! Come along!
[Announcement over P.A.]:
Business class boarding on flight 723
to becoming your mother
will begin in 10 minutes.
[high‐pitched horn honks]
‐ Where are they all going?
CAT LADY:
All sorts of places.
Settling down in the suburbs,
layovers to divorce...
There's a direct route
to actual fulfillment,
but, darnedest thing,
there are never any seats
on that one! [laughs]
Come on!
♪
They're all taking
flights to their future!
Just like you two have to do.
‐ Well, we just wanna stay together.
‐ You won't be able to figure out
where you're meant to go
if you worry about that too much, kitten!
‐ What do you mean? That makes no sense
with that friendship stuff you
told me to do a year ago.
[brakes screech]
‐ Are you saying
being a woman means you're constantly
faced with unfair contradictions
about the way you act?
‐ I'm serious!
What happened to the whole,
"My relationships with women
have to be sacred" thing?
[brakes creak]
‐ Well, maybe one of those women
is supposed to be you.
Shoo! Shoo! Get out! Get out! Get out!
♪
Safe travels, girls!
Good luck figuring out where
you wanna go, Dollface!
Yeehaw!
[board clicking]
[airport chatter]
‐ Madison?
[Announcement over P.A.]
Jules Wiley, where the fuck are you going?
[board clicking]
[sighs]
JULES: Hey!
‐ Hey! You okay?
‐ Yeah,
I just thought I lost you for a second.
‐ I was just getting us
a brochure for Greece.
‐ I'm here!
She's here! [laughs]
‐ I knew you losers would
make a sign. [laughs]
♪ Oh... ♪
[laughter, overlapping chatter]
‐ Woo! [laughs]
‐ Easy!
♪ So bad... ♪
‐ I am borderline not processing
how happy I am
that we are all back together.
‐ Does it feel good to be home, Stel?
‐ [scoffs] You have no idea. I mean,
the small talk I had
to make with my weed dealer
was getting really annoying.
‐ So, that's what you miss most about LA?
Legalized marijuana?
‐ No. Obviously, I missed you guys,
but it was like, please,
just let me purchase
drugs in broad daylight
from a store with my AirPods on.
As should be my right.
Are all these boxes mine?
‐ Uh, some of them are my random storage
stuff from high school and college.
JULES: So, besides being happy to
be near a MedMen, are you excited
for your fancy finance internship?
‐ [sighs]
I still can't believe I got it.
My entire class applied
to work for this bank.
‐ How long until you accept
your inevitable future of being
a beautiful billionaire genius?
‐ Ready? Okay!
‐ Very triggering that that fits you.
‐ Our girl is back, she's come on home,
without my Stel, I felt alone.
‐ I mean, we were here the whole time.
‐ Working at a bank, managing wealth,
leave me again, and I'll
kill... my... self!
‐ Really felt certain she was gonna
take it too far, and she did.
‐ Uh, I get that you missed me,
Iz, but we talked every day.
I mean, I still haven't met Liam,
and yet I've seen his dick twice on Zoom.
‐ You guys are finally
gonna get to meet him
in person because...
he's being honored at
the LA Reporter 30 Under 30 party,
and I want us all to go.
It's gonna be Roaring '20s‐themed!
‐ I remember when I thought
I was gonna be on that last.
Before I failed to accomplish
literally all of my life goals.
‐ My sensitive baby angel.
Can we not backslide
into the sadness from
this morning, please?
Because, again, 30 doesn't
have to be a big deal!
[grunting]
And also, that is not true.
‐ It is. And I have proof.
‐ Holy shit, are those our vision boards?
I forgot the very specific
brand of earnest
you were senior year of college.
MADISON:
See? My dream house in Bronson Canyon,
a Vera Wang wedding gown,
pictures of all the actors
who thank their publicist in major
award acceptance speeches,
the 30 Under 30 list.
‐ I actually went to
most of these festivals.
‐ Jules, what's on your board?
‐ I‐I don't think I took
the activity very seriously.
♪
I just think doing stuff
like this is kinda dumb.
‐ Stuff like deciding what
you want out of life?
‐ No, I know what I want out of life.
‐ You do?
‐ It's obvious!
To be a poorly drawn penis!
♪
‐ Wow. They are really serious about
the start paperwork at this place.
Last time I did this much
on‐boarding was at yacht week.
‐ Did you fill out a W2 for that?
Isn't it in Europe?
‐ Oh, no. It‐it was a joke,
like how you board a yacht.
‐ Oh.
[quiet office chatter]
‐ Uh, never mind.
♪
[clears throat]
♪
‐ Do you know why we're here?
‐ Because I'm... fired.
‐ Why would you be fired?
‐ Because of the time
I blew up your marriage...
at a wedding... over a sound system?
‐ Yes, I remember.
‐ Okay. Just making sure.
‐ Switch seats with me.
‐ What?
‐ Up. Let's go.
JULES:
O... kay.
[seat cushion whooshes]
Ooh.
CELESTE:
You're in charge of the meeting now, so...
begin.
‐ [nervous laugh] Uh,
I'm gonna need some additional context on,
uh, what the hell is happening here.
‐ I realized, as I sat alone for a year,
with the exception of a few
hookups with younger men,
that I'm no longer a wife.
I'm not a mother,
and, yes, I have perfect skin
and I'm wildly successful, but...
what is my legacy?
‐ That sounded pretty good.
‐ The Alisons were my two right hands.
I molded them.
And now, they've gone off
and started their own company
in direct competition with me.
And I'm proud in a way that
often feels like quiet rage.
So...
if you stay, I will mentor you,
and I will mold you,
and you will be my new right hand.
But you have to want it.
You can be promoted, you can be
fired, resign.
It's all up to you.
‐ This feels like a very
Mr. Miyagi "wax on, wax off" moment.
‐ No. The only wax
I'm getting is a Brazilian,
and it's at 4:00,
so if we could speed this up.
‐ Great! Well, meeting adjourned.
Thanks for coming.
‐ Oh, and Jules?
If you decide to leave,
or you have any other
uncomfortable news that you wish
to share with me in the future,
don't announce it into
a fucking mic, okay?
‐ Ooh. E‐extremely fair. Yep. Hm.
Neh! [laughs]
♪
‐ What's going on?
‐ They're firing everybody.
Fuck this year.
♪
[exhales]
‐ I am so sorry.
IZZY:
Well, I never liked them anyway.
You were always way out of their league.
And when that large
Los Angeles‐based PR firm
gets drunk at 2 AM and texts you,
you will not be around.
‐ I agree with Izzy.
Minus the metaphor that makes
absolutely no sense.
You will find something better.
‐ [sighs] Well,
I guess we're in the same boat now, Jules.
And it has a deep hole in it.
‐ Well... [clears throat]
‐ Wait, did you not get fired?
‐ I'm... not sure.
It's still not decided 'cause she decided
the decision is up to me.
Either I leave, or she promotes me
to be her right hand.
I mean, I promote myself.
It's a whole thing.
MADISON: Uh...
Hold on!
You have the option to promote yourself,
and you don't know what you're gonna do?
‐ It's a lot of pressure
to suddenly be the boss
of a job you thought you lost,
that you don't even know if you want!
I don't wanna talk about this.
‐ No, wait, we need to talk about this!
STELLA:
While we yell at Jules, Madison,
maybe you should start getting
ready 'cause, love you,
but you are not fast with a curling iron.
‐ You know what?
I'm not fast with a curling iron.
I suck at hair. I suck at everything!
You guys should just go without me.
You all look cute,
and I don't wanna face people.
‐ Honestly, I know I should
be there to support Liam,
but I might be in favor
of staying home, too.
We haven't been out
in public together yet,
and I'm worried he's too handsome.
Like, what if people see me
and think I'm a middle school girl
who won a date with a pop star
on a radio contest?
‐ Okay, first of all, no, you won't.
But, to be honest,
my internship is bumming me out,
and I feel like I have bank stank.
Maybe we do bail.
‐ Okay, no!
Everyone has been on my shit nonstop
about what I wanna do with my damn life,
so I'm officially making a decision.
I want to get very,
very drunk at this party with all of you!
Do you know how often you three
have insisted that going to a party
is the answer to all my problems?
We're doing that tonight! Very hard.
‐ I mean, but don't you think
a party designed to celebrate
a bunch of people my age who
are way more successful than me
might just end up making me feel worse?
‐ That's what the open bar is for,
right, Stella?
‐ Fucking love party Jules.
‐ Open bar!
STELLA/IZZY:
Open bar!
Open bar! Open bar!
Open bar!
‐ Bring me my iron!
♪ We like it when our hips shake ♪
♪ '20s‐themed dance music ♪
[laughs]
‐ A Roaring '20s party
to honor people in their 20s
for being 30 under 30
in the actual 2020s.
I do love a well‐executed theme.
‐ Other than basically
no one having any rights,
the past seemed fun.
‐ Ooh! There's the... absinthe bar?
Fine, I'll drink it even if it
wiped out an entire generation.
‐ I think I just spotted
the non‐naked part of Izzy's boyfriend.
‐ [gasps] Liam!
♪ music continues ♪
‐ [laughs] Wow, you look amazing, baby!
‐ Oh my god! Shut up!
Stop. I mean, don't. Okay, Liam,
I'm so excited to officially,
in person, introduce you to‐‐
‐ Jules,
Madison, and, of course,
the famous Stella.
I've heard so much about you guys.
And when I say "so much,"
I mean a truly long list
of personal details
you probably didn't want shared.
Oh hey, I got some drink
tickets here for you ladies.
‐ Tickets? We were told open bar.
LIAM: Yeah, they're doing this
Prohibition shtick where
you redeem a ticket
for a drink from the bar and back.
‐ Congrats on making the list, by the way.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Liam basically runs Saq,
which is like the male version of Woöm.
He's insanely impressive.
LIAM:
Oh, come on. You are the only
4‐under‐30 I care about
impressing tonight.
But, while you guys grab drinks,
there are a few work people
I would love to introduce you to.
Shmoop?
[Izzy giggles]
‐ We're mingling. We're mingling.
We're in public, and we're mingling.
‐ Bar?
STELLA/MADISON: Bar.
‐ Yeah.
♪ music continues ♪
[party chatter]
‐ [sighs] Well, this is a small nightmare.
‐ And it's about to be a large one.
‐ Delaney.
MADISON:
Ugh, I saw her on TV the other day.
‐ Oh. My. God!
Look who it is!
I haven't seen you girls in years!
‐ Delaney! [laughs] Hey, girl! Oh!
[both kiss, laugh]
[awkward laughter trails off]
Wow! So...
are you being featured on the list?
‐ Oh, no.
I was on the list when I was 26.
They just hired my brand to make
some custom decals for the event.
‐ Wow. These are so...
capitalized! I feel like
they're yelling at me!
‐ Inspirational posters are out.
Motivational stickers are in.
They are huge on Etsy right now.
‐ Oh, I saw you on Buying Bel Air!
‐ Oh! Hi...
‐ Run. Give me your tickets
and save yourselves.
I'll find you with drinks if this
conversation doesn't kill me.
‐ We can't let you do this.
‐ Madison, you're not gonna make it.
Jules, you're a goddamn hero.
‐ Oh... no! Where did the girls go?
I was so excited to catch up.
‐ Oh! Um, they both had to pee. [laughs]
You know, UTIs.
You do everything right,
and yet still pee city.
‐ So, what's new with you?
Any big plans coming up?
Fun stuff at work...
FORTUNE TELLER:
Feel free to sit.
I'll give you a reading.
MADISON: Ooh.
This is exciting.
FORTUNE TELLER: It's a three‐card reading
for insight into your past,
present, and future.
‐ Great. Hit me!
‐ The Devil...
the Nightmare...
and Death.
‐ Hit me again.
‐ I hate having my picture taken.
‐ Oh my god, he's so hot.
And, like, modest?
‐ Oh, he's, like, modest hot.
So, how did you guys meet?
‐ Oh, we met late in the pandemic. Yeah.
Our first real date was
actually paddle boating
in separate paddle boats.
It was still cute though.
‐ Oh, got it. That makes more sense.
‐ Uh, what makes more sense?
‐ You know, just how hard times can,
like, really bond people.
‐ Totally. Even people you wouldn't
normally expect to get together.
‐ For sure. Right.
Totally. Uh, sorry.
I think just recognized my old...
rabbi.
Rabbi Shmuley!
‐ Oh! God, no! No, no.
Jeremy and I haven't been
together for a while.
He broke up with me.
Which is fine because I don't think
I really loved him.
Who knows if I've ever
been in love with anyone?
Put that on a sticker, right?
[laughs]
Man, this line is just not moving, huh?
‐ Uh, so what about work?
Where are you again?
‐ I'm still at Woöm, trying to decide
if I'm gonna make a move
in either an up or out direction.
‐ Well, that's an exciting brand!
I bet if you keep getting promoted,
you will be on this list in no time.
‐ Oh, well, I'm, uh, crossing
the 30 threshold in a couple months,
so probably not.
‐ Oh my god!
That's right. My husband
wants to surprise me for mine.
Classic, right?
‐ I would not know at all. [laughs]
‐ What a huge year for us.
What are you‐‐
‐ I'm sorry. I'm gonna
have to stop you here.
I would make up an excuse about also
having a UTI, but the truth is, genuinely,
I just can't have this
conversation anymore.
I mean, you are talking about everything
I came to this party to not talk about,
so, respectfully,
I'm just gonna walk away now.
Great unexpectedly
running into you though!
Definitely the thing I miss most
about large‐scale social gatherings.
Must find alcohol.
You! Hi! I work for
the party planner people.
Uh, could you remind me where
they keep the backup alcohol?
‐ Should be more bottles
in the storeroom upstairs.
♪ muffled music ♪
[quietly] Bingo!
Where are you, alcohol?
♪
Come on, really?
What is this, another metaphor?
I get it, universe.
My life is one big empty nothing!
Can I please, please
just have a drink now?
Oh shit.
Okay, what?
Delaney!
Is this really happening?
Can you see me right now?
‐ Yeah. We all do.
[Emcee over P.A.]:
Ladies and gentlemen and honorees,
please welcome our Roaring '20s
entertainment for the evening,
the 30 Under 30 Showgirl Follies!
♪ swing music ♪
‐ Oh god, oh god,
oh my god, oh my god...
Um...
Hi, excuse me! Okay‐‐
Excuse me! There's, uh,
there's been an ill‐timed mistake!
Pardon me. Yep. Okay‐‐
Oh. You're this way?
Um‐‐ [whimpers]
Just let me‐‐
Just let me pick a lane! Oh...
Oh...
We all want the same thing,
and it's me not up here!
[applause]
This bar is supposed to be open!
[clanging]
Prohibit that!
Excuse me!
‐ Just one more time. Hit me.
See if we can't turn mama's luck around.
‐ Jesus, Madison,
she's not a blackjack dealer, okay?
You're freaking out the fortune teller.
‐ She said she learned
how to read tarot on TikTok.
We should move on.
‐ Just accept what's in the cards‐‐
‐ I can't!
JULES: There you are.
Bottoms up. I did not get ice.
‐ Ew!
Oh, I think mine is
just straight olive juice.
‐ Mm. Take mine. It's whiskey.
‐ I thought I was having a bad night.
Are you gonna be okay, Jules?
‐ [shudders] I don't know
what I'm gonna be.
I'm gonna be drunk in about
six minutes, I can tell you that much.
Wait! [laughs]
I should just let this lady here
tell me what I'm gonna be, huh?
Since everyone here is
so interested to know.
♪
Ha! [laughs]
‐ What is it?
‐ It's blank!
‐ Well, that's weird.
‐ No, it's not. It's my future. I get it.
‐ Bullshit.
‐ What? It doesn't matter!
MADISON: You know,
I am tired of this.
It does matter. It has to.
Look, even when it hurts because it does.
And‐and maybe to me,
this one birthday matters too much.
But, if you feel like
nothing matters at all,
then that's how your life is gonna be.
And if you want
your life to mean something,
then you're gonna have to start to care.
‐ I care about you guys.
MADISON: Look, I know,
but you have to care about you.
We can't do that for you.
♪
‐ Are you calling an Uber?
She's calling an Uber!
‐ Look, I'm sorry if I was too harsh.
I‐I'm dealing with my own stuff,
and I was just trying to help.
Look, please don't leave alone.
[Jules sighs]
‐ I was emailing Celeste.
I told her I wanna take the promotion.
[slaps table]
‐ Well, shit.
IZZY:
That's amazing!
I'm worried for, you know,
typos that might be in there right now,
but still very cool.
‐ You really did?
‐ Yeah.
I guess I should start putting something
on my vision board besides dicks.
‐ Oh, I figured it out.
That's just the card that comes
in the back of the pack.
‐ Should we get the fuck out of here?
I don't know how much longer
I can be at this specific party.
‐ Agreed.
‐ Strongly agree.
‐ I know where we should go.
♪ Fly Away by Tones And I ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ I fly away ♪
♪No one knew how low I was feeling ♪
♪ I was scared to reach for it all ♪
♪ Knowing I was here for a reason ♪
♪ But I was scared that if I tried ♪
♪ I'd fall ♪
♪ So, where do I go now I'm in it? ♪
♪ I never thought it'd be like this ♪
♪ Dreaming all my life, and I did it ♪
♪ Thought the grass
was greener than it is ♪
♪ 'Cause I had a dream that someday ♪
♪ I would just fly, fly away ♪
♪ And I always knew I couldn't stay ♪
♪ So I had a dream
that I'd just fly away ♪
♪ Away, oh ♪
♪ Fly, fly ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'd fly away ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'd fly away ♪
♪ 'Cause I had a dream ♪
♪ That some day ♪
♪ I would just fly, fly away ♪
♪ And I always knew I couldn't stay ♪
♪ So I had a dream
that I'd just fly away ♪
♪ Away, oh ♪
♪ Fly, fly away ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I fly away ♪♪