Dollface (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Feminist - full transcript

[wind howling]

[shutters rattling]

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Jesus Christ, it's windy outside!

ALISON B.:
What's this little guy doing here?

‐ Oh, he was all freaked out last night
because of all this crazy wind,

so I didn't want to leave him at home.

‐ Aww, are you here to be
Woom’s newest intern, Turtle?

‐ Still actually a cat.

‐ Oh. I know.

‐ What’s the big deal with this
emergency meeting on a Sunday anyway?



That e‐mail from Celeste seemed intense.

‐ Maybe it's a good emergency.

Like, maybe she has
emergency empowerment gifts to give us

in honor of the Women's March.

♪

‐ Or not.

‐ I called you all here

because a pair of shoes were found
upstairs in my beach house this morning.

[mouthing silently]

CELESTE:
And seeing as they’re not mine,

and they're certainly not my husband's,

the only explanation must be

that one of you girls
left them there after the retreat.

So...



Anyone?
‐ [no audio]

‐ Jules, do you have something to say?

‐ Yeah, actually, um...

I was just saying those shoes are... mine!

They're mine.

‐ These are yours?

‐ Yep. I brought them to the retreat,

because they're my, uh,
post‐yoga comfy shoes.

‐ Well, if they're yours,
then why don’t you try them on?

‐ Right now?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Okay.

I'll just...

Ooh, yeah.

Oh. Ooh.

There it is. See?

Natural fit.

‐ If you know who those shoes belong to,
I really need you to tell me.

‐ I actually have to get going,

because I'm actually headed to the,
uh, Women's March.

So...

‐ The Women's March
is such an important event.

It's all about solidarity among women.

About loyalty.

‐ Yeah.
Loyalty to your girlfriends is important.

‐ Yes. But today, this is about
loyalty in the greater sense.

Loyalty to the code
that we, as women, must follow

in order to stick together
and not let men come between us,

to undermine us.
This is about being a feminist.

Do you think you're a feminist, Jules?

‐ Yeah, I mean, I... I, uh...
do my best, you know?

I would say I'm definitely,
uh, femin‐ish.

[chuckles] Anyway,
I really have to get going,

because I'm having
some really explosive...

...menstruation.

Which is, you know,
it's less gross than diarrhea,

but it's still... extremely valid, so...

[Turtle meows]

♪

[quiet chatter]

[wind blowing, leaves rustling]

‐ Ahhh!
[grunting]

‐ [female cyclist screams]
MALE CYCLIST: Look out!

♪

♪

‐ Turtle‐‐

I don't think
we're in Downtown L. A. anymore.

Wait. Main and First?
This is Downtown.

No sense of direction over here.

♪

‐ My God,
she’s the tallest lady I’ve ever seen!

‐ What are all
you small children doing here?

‐ We’re on a field trip from
the Lollipop Lullaby Los Angeles

Academy for Early Childhood Development.

‐ You're on a field trip
to the Women’s March?

‐ L. A. private elementary schools
can be very progressive.

‐ [women chanting nearby]
‐ Okay, kids, just go along.

Milo, Axel, Luna, whatever the hell else
they’re naming kids these days.

Go! Go! Line up!

[sighs]

Aww, why the long face?

‐ Well, I took these shoes
to cover for Madison.

but apparently trying to be a good friend
makes me a bad feminist.

Can you believe that?

‐ Well, I’m a woman with a cat head
in a giant pink ball gown.

I can believe a lot of things.

‐ Being a feminist means I’m supposed
to be supportive of all women, right?

But there’s no way for me to do that when
supporting one means hurting another.

‐ I might know someone
who can help you with that.

‐ If it’s one of those kids,
I’m not taking advice from a child.

‐ I’m talking about the Speaker.

‐ The speaker at the March?

‐ Yes, Sylvia Goldwyn,

the most famous feminist icon
of the last 50 years.

‐ Ooh, wow!
‐ [Cat Lady chuckles]

3:00 PM in front of City Hall.
It's a bit of a schlep to get down there.

‐ Well, I'm desperate.

So, if you think she knows
the right feminist thing

for me to do in this situation,

then I have to go see her.

The stage is right by City Hall, you said?
‐ Yes.

All you have to do is follow
that double yellow line.

Follow the line all the way to the Speaker
and the answer will be clear.

‐ Well, I hope you’re right.
I'm gonna get going.

Thanks for all you help.

Uh, this one here
in the center of the road?

CAT LADY:
Yep. Yep.

‐ In the‐‐? Okay, thank you.

God, she couldn't have left
sneakers at his house?

Better not be her sex shoes.

[protesters chanting]

♪

‐ Follow the double yellow line?
Now which way do we go?

STELLA: I think to the left looks good.
‐ Stella?

‐ But then again we can probably get
to the main stage on the right too.

‐ What are you doing up there?
‐ My phone had no service.

So, I came up here to see if I could spot
you guys in the crowd, and I got stuck.

A little help?
‐ Uh, it's just caught on your strap.

‐ Oh.

Ugh, thank you. These were really
starting to ride up my ass.

JULES: God,
I'm so glad I found you.

Madison and I got in this huge intense
fight after you passed out last night.

‐ Fuck, really? Was it my fault?
Did I puke on anyone?

‐ No, nobody... not counting yourself.
‐ God, I'm so hungover.

Wait. Why were you guys fighting then?

‐ Um, I found out Colin is married.

Like, still married... to Celeste.

‐ Jesus Christ, men are the fucking worst.
‐ Preach, girl!

‐ Well, she completely flipped out on me
after I told her.

And then all this crazy other stuff
came up between us and it got really ugly.

‐ Well, whatever you do,
don’t come to me for advice.

Because if I learned
anything this weekend,

it’s that I’m a lot more dumb
than I thought I was.

‐ Oh, Stella, come on.

‐ No, just everyone sees me
as this cute, fun girl,

and, you know, I wanted to prove
that I was smart too.

Guess what, I'm not.

Maybe this whole thing is bullshit,

and I just need to accept
that I don’t get to be both.

‐ Stella, I hate hearing you like this.

You need to come with me
to see the Speaker.

The main guest at the March
is supposed to be

this epic feminist thinker
with all this wisdom.

And if she can help me,
I bet she can help you too.

‐ Well, I guess I did come
all the way down here.

Hey, did I have camel toe in these
when I was standing up there?

‐ No. No, you're‐‐ yeah.
‐ You sure?

JULES: Maybe. I mean, yeah, do that.
STELLA: A little bit, right? A little bit.

Madison just dropped me a pin
to her location so we can find her.

Are you gonna be okay to see her?

‐ I'm more worried about
what she’s gonna do when she sees me.

But, yeah, I have to talk to her.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, crap.
It's Celeste calling.

She found these shoes of Madison's
at her beach house,

and I said they were mine
to cover for her.

But Celeste totally knows I'm lying,
and now she thinks I'm a bad feminist.

‐ Just tell Madison
to come clean with Celeste.

And fuck Colin.
I men, let him deal with the fallout.

‐ No, trust me, I can’t call Madison out
the way that you can.

It’s different with us, you know.
There’s too much history.

‐ Well, isn’t the whole bad feminist thing

a little ironic
coming from Celeste anyway?

‐ What do you mean? She’s the CEO of
a company all about women’s empowerment.

‐ Sure, women’s empowerment by the
purchasing of insanely expensive products

to keep them from looking old.

‐ Fair point.
‐ Oh. There's Mads.

♪

‐ Oil! I need face oil!

These winds are making my face so dry.
I can feel myself actively aging today.

STELLA:
Uh, that's actually Jules'.

‐ Oh.

‐ Look, Madison, I know you’re upset,
but we have to talk about Celeste.

‐ No, we really don't.

‐ She knows something’s up with Colin,
and I have to give her an answer.

‐ No, the answer is that she’s lying.

She’s lying about the fact
that she and Colin are getting a divorce,

because she's just
a bitter, evil, wicked, old bi‐‐

‐ Yo! It's Women’s March, okay?
Let's maybe not use that word today.

‐ You think I got played by some guy and
I need to stand around crying about it‐‐

which didn't happen.

‐ Well, even if it is what happened,
it doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

‐ Women who fall for that kind of stuff
are pathetic,

and I refuse to be one of them.

I'm sorry if that makes me
sound heartless.

‐ Well, Celeste found your shoes
at the beach house‐‐

[smoke blasting]

‐ [coughing]
That smells awful! Ugh!

Who knew that L. A. had subways?

‐ Uh, you guys should go.
‐ Um, Stella?

‐ Right. Sorry, uh, bathrooms.
Emergency periods... both of us.

‐ Yeah. White pants.

‐ Funny, Jules used that exact same excuse
earlier today.

‐ Linked cycles.

You know, I guess we’re all
just super close friends.

‐ So, I finally found you, my pretty...

employee... who is also a smart
and valued member of the team.

I’ve been encouraged not to give
looks‐based positive feedback anymore.

We had a whole HR training thing about it.

‐ Oh, well, um, I’m very sorry
I missed your call,

but I was really hoping
that maybe we could talk a little later?

‐ Well, Jules,

later I need to have a conversation
with my husband about those shoes.

So, if you know who they belong to,
I’m asking you to tell me right now.

And if you can’t do that
woman‐to‐woman,

we may need to reevaluate
if working at Woom really matters to you.

‐ Of course it matters to me!

I mean, Woom isn’t just
a job to me, Celeste.

I finally feel at home there.

‐ All right, well, in that case,

why don't we go sit down
and we'll talk through it all right now?

‐ Um, you know,
I would really love to do that,

but, um, there was a conversation

about Woom doing a piece
on the March for the website,

and I just found out that
everyone taking pictures is using Ultra HD

when the website can only handle
1080 hi‐res files.

So, as you can imagine,
I have to stay on top of it,

or we could have
a down‐res situation on our hands.

‐ Well, that sounds bad.

‐ Yeah, we're talking pixelation,
shimmer, degraded images.

And I don’t think a day like today
should be about degrading anything.

You know what I mean?
CELESTE: No.

Yeah, uh, Jules‐‐
‐ I'm gonna get back to it, boss.

‐ Well, I will catch up with you, Jules,
and your little cat too!

I know he was in the office today,
and Woom is a pet‐free workplace!

♪

‐ Here you guys are!
What’s going on?

‐ We’ve all been waiting to pee
for half an hour!

Some freakshow locked herself in there,
and this is the only bathroom for blocks!

Hurry up, already!

IZZY: You don’t know me!
I might have irritable bowel syndrome!

‐ Wait. Izzy, is that you?

‐ [hyperventilating]
I'm having a pan‐‐ a panic attack.

‐ It's okay, Iz.
Just exit the rental toilet.

‐ I can't!
I can't come out there!

I can't face everyone!
I can't!

Wait. Have you guys been
together this whole time?

Are you taking pictures without me?

Can we get one with me in it?
I need to be in one, quick.

‐ [camera snapping]
IZZY: Cute.

‐ Okay, what is going?
Why are you freaking out?

‐ I was alone!

Jules ran out of the meeting
so quickly this morning

that I had to come down here by myself.

And I couldn't find any of you guys.

And there were these insane
counter‐protesters screaming at me.

‐ Were they sexists?
‐ And bigots?

‐ And Nazis!
‐ Oh my!

‐ It’s awful.
It’s like I can’t survive

without the 24/7 camaraderie of a clique.

I'm realizing I went
from my high school besties

to my sorority to the Alisons to you guys.

What kind of feminist doesn't have
enough confidence to be on their own?

Destiny's Child’s seminal anthem
is called Independent Woman,

not "Codependent Freak."

‐ Izzy, look, I think you should come
with me to hear the Speaker at the March.

Madison, I think you should come too.

We’re running out of time
before I have to talk to Celeste,

and I don’t want to betray you.

I really think the Speaker could get
through to you in a way that I can't.

‐ You think I care at all
what you say to Celeste?

Look, I’m not the other woman in this.
She is.

If you want to believe your boss over me,
go ahead.

‐ At least I got this picture of us
protesting while we were all together.

‐ I need you girls
to bring me Jules Wiley.

‐ On it.
Do you want her alive?

‐ What?
Of course alive!

Alison, did you have a martini?

Just because I’m having one
doesn’t make it okay for you to have one.

‐ She gets really intense when she drinks.

♪

JULES: Aww, hi!

PROTESTERS: [chanting]
My body, my voice, my country, my choice.

My body, my voice, my country, my choice.

‐ It must be for the March.

‐ It's Celeste.
She's trying to send me a message.

We have to keep moving and
get to the Speaker before she finds me.

FEMALE EMCEE:
She's our voice! She's our inspiration!

Are you ready to meet the woman who has
spent her life fighting for our rights?

[crowd cheering]

‐ Hey, let's try and get closer.
Come on.

[cheering continues]

♪

‐ Jules, Celeste would totally love
to grab a non‐optional word with you.

‐ Super non‐optional.

♪

CELESTE: Jules‐‐

how nice of you to make time for
another moment with your dear old boss.

‐ Celeste, look, I'm sorry.

I swear I was just trying
to do the right thing.

I really didn't mean to make you angry.

‐ Oh, I'm not angry.
I'm just concerned.

This rebellious behavior
is just so out of character.

I figured maybe you're just
in an emotional spiral from your break‐up.

‐ My break‐up?

‐ The one you told me about
at the retreat.

From Ramona Hess's brother, Jeremy?

I just thought, if I can’t get through
to you woman‐to‐woman,

then maybe you can just talk to him.

‐ [staticky]
Jules? Jules are you there?

‐ Jeremy, can you hear me?
‐ Is everything all right, Juju?

Your boss said you've been
acting strange all week.

I've been thinking about you.

Are you there, Jules?
‐ Yes, I'm here!

‐ Jules?
‐ Jeremy!

‐ So, Jules, how are you feeling?

Are you ready to talk now?

‐ [door opening]
‐ Jules!

‐ Izzy, is that you?

Interrupt this meeting
and you will be fired.

Fired!
‐ Celeste, no!

[tablet fizzling]

‐ It's melting! It's melting!

I had, like, three seasons
of The Good Wife downloaded on here

and I fly to New York tomorrow!
Noooooo!

No! my life is ruined!

♪

‐ You didn't leave.

‐ Stella told me what you did
with the shoes.

I figured if you're willing
to lose your job for me,

the least I could do is hear out
what this Speaker of yours had to say.

But we missed it.
It's over.

‐ What are we gonna do now?
‐ There's nothing we can do. We failed.

‐ [meows]
‐ Turtle, no! Come here!

♪

‐ Awww.

‐ Wait. Are you... her?
Sylvia?

‐ Why, yes!
I am me.

‐ Man, that feels so much better!

‐ Were you wearing fake eyelashes?
SYLVIA: Uh‐huh.

‐ And sticky boobs?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ But why do you care what you look like?
Aren't you some brilliant feminist?

‐ Looking good doesn't mean I'm any less
of a feminist than you are, sweetheart.

It just means I wake up earlier to be one.

‐ Um, we came all the way down here
to see you, Ms. Goldwyn,

but we missed your speech.
‐ Awww.

‐ Sylvia, you have a dinner
with Senator Feinstein in 15.

‐ I'm coming!

Pay no attention
to the man behind the curtain.

‐ Well, we're all just sort of desperate
to hear you speak and get some guidance.

‐ Guidance? I think I need
an example of what you're looking for.

‐ Like, a feminist is supposed to be
supportive of all women.

‐ Or a feminist is supposed to be
valued on her brains, and not her looks.

‐ A feminist is supposed to be above
feeling heartbroken over a guy.

‐ A feminist is supposed to be
strong enough to get by on her own.

‐ Okay, okay, I’m going to stop you guys
right there with your "supposed to’s."

I’m sorry to disappoint you if you were
expecting some magic answer from me,

but I'm just a woman
and feminist is just a word.

It doesn’t have
one neat definition like that.

‐ So, that's... it?

‐ What?

You guys want some buttons?
Okay.

For you, "Beauty and Brains."

‐ Fuck business school.
Hot girls are smart too.

I mean, Karlie Kloss is a coder.
‐ [both laughing]

‐ And for you with vulnerability issues,
"Big Girls Do Cry."

‐ I mean, I'm not crying.

But my mascara is waterproof
if I want to later or something.

‐ And for Ms. Queen of Confidence,
"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar."

‐ Oh, my God.
I want to put this directly on my skin.

‐ That's very weird.
Don't do that.

JULES:
What about me?

What am I supposed to do about
this impossible situation I’m trapped in

between my boss and my best friend.

‐ Oh, I think you knew
how to deal with it all along.

‐ How?

‐ Oh, shoot, that only works
if the person actually knows.

Well, I wish you the best of luck.

♪

‐ Think I could
make a run for it in these heels?

‐ No! Look, go save your job.

Whatever you have to do,
this isn’t your fault.

‐ Well it’s not yours either,
you know that, right?

‐ I know.
It's not hers either.

‐ Celeste, I know I've been
dodging you all day

because I didn't know
what the right thing to do was.

But if you want the truth about
theses shoes, I should tell you that‐‐

‐ Jules, don't.

Cornering you
then hurling my broken tablet

and then hitting
a very drunk Alison B. in the face

made me realize‐‐
‐ Wait, is she okay?

‐ Oh, she's fine.
But it made me realize that

I shouldn’t have gotten all you girls
in the middle of my marital problems.

They're not for you to deal with.

‐ Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel
like the villain in all of this today.

You're not the bad guy here.

‐ I appreciate that.

I mean, redeeming the witch

is more of a Wicked thing
than a Wizard of Oz but‐‐ still.

It's fine.

‐ So, I still work for you, then?

‐ I’ll see you
for Matcha and Meditation Monday.

‐ Everything work out?
‐ Yes, but we have another big problem.

‐ Oh, God!
‐ What is it?

‐ I'm so hungry!
‐ I'm legitimately starving.

‐ We haven't sat down for,
like, eight hours.

‐ You know what to do.

‐ [repeating] There's Postmates at home.
There's Postmates at home...

STELLA: [voicemail]
Hey J., it’s me.

I woke up hung over
and went home to pass out again.

Madison said she’s not feeling well either

so I think we’re just gonna
skip the march today.

She sounded kind of weird.

Did I miss anything big
in my blackout last night?

Call me when you get this.

IZZY: [voicemail]
Hey, Jules, it's Izzy.

Izzy from work who's also your friend.

Sorry, I don't think
I've left a voicemail since 2005.

Do people still do this?
Your phone is on airplane mode.

Madison and Stella said
we're not going to the March anymore.

Anyway, call me
if you're still having a baby.

Oh! This is Izzy. Bye.

JEREMY: [voicemail]
Hey, Jules, it's me.

I think your phone is off, but, um...

Ramona put me in charge
of getting the final head count

for the wedding party bus down to Mexico,
so just seeing if you’re bringing a date.

I’m, uh, I’m bringing Melyssa,
so I just wanted you to hear that from me.

All right, I'll see you this weekend.

♪ Darlin' I'm just trying to tell ya ♪

♪ That there's always been a rainbow ♪

♪ Hanging over your head ♪

♪ If you could see what I see ♪

♪ You'd be blinded by the colors ♪

♪ Yellow, red, orange, and green ♪

♪ And at least a million others ♪

♪ So tie up the bow, take off your coat ♪

♪ And take a look around ♪

♪ 'Cause the sky is finally open ♪

♪ The rain and wind stopped blowing ♪

♪ But you're stuck out
in the same old storm again ♪