Dollface (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - F*** Buddy - full transcript

"Ooh, I'm Melyssa.

I'm so skinny and my hair's so shiny
and I spell my own name wrong."

Hey, y'all, it's Ramona!

Don't leave a voicemail, it's 2019!

‐ Hey, Ramona, it's Jules.

Just, uh, casually calling to check in.

Um, just getting
so excited for your wedding.

Speaking of your wedding,
um, God, you must be so busy

getting all your RSVPs from your friends
and your family and your brother

and any plus‐one
he may or may not be bringing.

Is he, um, bringing anybody?



Uh, because I don't care.

And I'm just making sure
that you know that I don't care.

Anyway,
that is not even why I'm calling.

Um, I'm calling to say...

bye!

Cool grandma, you fucking slut.

Hmm‐mm, hmm‐mm!

Ehhhh!

No!

‐ 911, what is your emergency?

‐ I think I just liked my ex‐boyfriend's
new girlfriend's Instagram.

Remain calm, ma'am.

How many weeks back was the photo from?
Um...

Three hundred and forty‐two.



‐ Good God!
That's a fucking disaster!

Burn your phone and then kill yourself!

‐ What?! You're 911,
don't tell me to kill myself!

‐ Okay, don't panic.
Even though you definitely should.

The paramedics are on their way.

‐ Oh, you know what,
I'm just gonna unlike the photo.

No, God, no!

‐ Oh! Um, oh, uh‐oh.

Um, I... also I unliked it,
but then I liked it again.

‐ Where is it?

‐ Do you know if she has
notifications turned on?

‐ I‐‐I don't know.
‐ Do you have followers in common?

‐ I don't think so.
Ooh, I guess Jeremy?

‐ This is hopeless.
‐ We're not supposed to say that, Amy.

‐ How long ago did you like it?
‐ Thirty seconds.

‐ She's seen it.

‐ Ma'am, we're gonna
need you to step inside.

‐ What's up, Oliver?

Daddy's home!

‐ How's my favorite house‐sitter?
- Oh.

I'm fine, but your fiddle‐leaf
is going through something.

‐ Oh, God. Twenty‐six hours from Jo‐burg
with a layover in Qatar.

‐ Well, there's a joint rolled
and takeout's on the way.

I got us two green curries this time,

plus the noodle dish
with the chilies on the side.

"Pedric" should be here in 18 minutes.

‐ You're a goddess.

And 18 minutes...

that should give us just enough time...

I'm so grateful because I know...

‐ He can't keep Lauren S., he can't.
She wore overalls on the group date.

‐ Did he say Lauren S.?

Lauren S.

What?
Oh! Oh!

No!

‐ Uh, Jules, if you're cleaning
'cause you're upset,

can you at least start on the bathroom?

‐ I'm not upset.

Except, um...

I was looking at that girl
that Jeremy went out with on Instagram

and I accidentally
liked one of her pictures.

That's not that big
of a deal, though, right?

‐ Uh, that's a huge deal.

Not only are you fully
telegraphing to Jeremy

that you're still obsessed with him,

you are focusing your issues
with a guy on another girl,

which frankly reads a little un‐feminist.

Oh, yeah, you better cry, cankles.
Ride that limo to hell.

‐ Did you at least unlike the photo?
- Yes.

I unliked it, then I liked it again...

...but then I unliked it.

‐ Very cool.
‐ Are you insane?

Any normal functioning human being
has their push notifications on.

‐ Mine aren't.
- Oh, my God.

‐ Just realized
I wasn't even following you.

‐ Oh, can you follow me? I'm at‐‐

‐ Nope.
‐ Look, this is happening

'cause you are sitting around obsessing
over Jeremy 24 hours a day.

Look, he's moved on, so should you.

‐ I mean, I have been texting a little bit
with that guy Wes, the veterinarian.

He sent me this gif the other night
of a cat that was stuck in a hammock.

The cat was like,
"Oh, no, meow‐meow‐meow, hammock!"

‐ You are not calling Dr. Pussycat.
He's total boyfriend material.

Knowing you, you'll go on one date
and we won't hear from you for five years.

‐ Hey, I feel like I'm being
reverse slut‐shamed here.

Isn't finding a boyfriend the reason
we go on dates?

‐ No! We go on dates to have fun
and justify the purchase of cute clothes.

‐ Not every guy
has to turn into a boyfriend.

It's like the photographer
who I'm house‐sitting for.

We hook up whenever he's in town
and it's totally casual.

‐ So you live with a guy
and you sleep with him.

Tell me how that's casual again?

‐ He travels constantly.

‐ So you're
in a long‐distance relationship

with your boyfriend, who you live with?

‐ No. You don't get it at all.

Wait...

if I have a boyfriend...

then I've cheated on him like...

a lot.

‐ Okay. I need to move on.
Now, how do I do that again?

‐ What you need right now is a Hot JOT.

‐ A hot what?
‐ JOT. J‐O‐T.

As in "Just One Thing."

A Hot JOT is a hot guy who has
Just One Thing wrong with him.

So you can hook up with him, but you'll
never be tempted to actually date him.

‐ Yeah, ideally I would find a guy like
that, but I don't know where I would...

‐ Good afternoon, little lady.

Now, you look like someone
who's ready to take home

the man of her dreams today,
am I right?

Anyone specific you got your eye on?
‐ No, I'm just looking.

‐ You know, we have this guy
who just became available.

This here, this is Aiden.

Aiden is a 1985, he's an architect,
and he is a great gift‐giver.

‐ It's nice to meet you.

‐ Hiiiii...

Ahem. Yeah, Aiden seems great
for a rebound.

‐ Oh, a rebound?

Unfortunately, our gentlemen
in the showroom

aren't available
for a short‐term lease situation.

These guys are all
boyfriend material in here. Hmm.

But we've got some amazing hot JOTs
on the back lot.

All these are as‐is,
ready to go home tonight.

This is Neil.

Neil is 6'5", he's an accountant,
he's close to his family...

‐ Um, that sounds pretty good.

‐ And just one thing, he's absolutely
certain the government did 9‐11.

‐ Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

‐ Oh, okay, maybe we keep looking.

‐ Fair enough.
‐ How do you explain Building 7?

This is Greg.

Greg studied Political Science
at Berkeley

and takes his grandmother
to church every Sunday.

‐
‐ Oh, God. Does that come off?

‐ I'm sure the boys in the back
can remove that.

‐ I always wear this.

‐ Okay, okay.
Sorry about the thumb ring.

I've got a good feeling about you,

and I don't introduce
this guy to everybody.

Ryan.

Ryan is the youngest partner
at his law firm,

and he's technically related
to the Kennedy family.

‐ Okay, what is it?

‐ In my spare time,
I really love to play with Legos.

‐ I'll take him.

‐ Yes!
‐ Up high!

‐ I was thinking for dinner,
I might try to whip up

this dish I had in Cape Town
called bunny chow.

‐ Oh...
‐ Oh, no, no, no.

There're no actual bunnies in it.

‐ No, I just...

I just didn't assume we were
automatically having dinner together.

‐ Oh, my bad, do you have plans?

‐ No. But you don't know that.

‐ Okay...

Oh, did the guy come to read
the gas meter while I was away?

‐ I don't know.

Was I expected to stay here all day
while you go out and work?

‐ Uh... kind of, yeah.

‐ Well, you can forget it.
I'm not doing it.

‐ O...kay.

Well, I'll call them and maybe
they'll come later in the week.

‐ Great.

I'm the one?

‐ Hey.

‐ He's gonna be here any minute.
I'm just so nervous.

‐ You're gonna be fine.

You just have to remember: your instincts
are gonna want you to get monogamous.

And you have to ignore
those instincts at all costs.

‐ Oh shit, I see him coming.
Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go.

Wait. Did you remember to shave?
Did you remember to shave‐‐

‐ So it's really actually
a study in engineering.

Sure, the Legos come with instructions,

but there's plenty of room
for customization as well.

‐ Uh‐huh.
‐ And ultimately I'd say

the most complex structure I've done
is transforming the Hogwarts set

into an authentic French village.

Now, I know what you're gonna ask:
what did you do with the spire?

‐ Freshly ground pepper?
‐ Oh, no, thank you.

‐ So repurposing some of the grass
from the top of Hagrid's hut,

I was able to construct the patisserie.

‐ Hey, girlfriend, I'm your instinct
to form an emotional bond.

Shall we ask him about his family,
like is he close with his mom?

‐ No, I'm fine, thank you.

It's a shame I had to send it back,

but the subscription plan is
pretty strict,

so I took a lot of pictures.

‐ Hi, I'm your instinct
to make a physical connection.

I really feel like
you should take his hand.

‐ Actually, Madison told me
to ignore my instincts,

but thank you so much.

‐ Maybe that was my Moby Dick.

‐ Totally. That is so interesting.

What's the difference between
the flat pieces and the blocky ones?

‐ Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow!
What is...?

‐ Oh. I'm sorry.
The flame pieces are really sharp.

‐ It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Oh!

‐ Okay!

‐ That was great.
‐ Yeah.

‐ Ask him what this is.
‐ Ask him what you guys are doing here.

‐ Tell him you feel like this could really
be the start of something big.

‐ Tell him you feel like you guys
fit together like two Lego pieces.

‐ Yes, that's good, say that.

‐ No, no, no! Um...

Actually, I should get a‐going...
so...

‐ Oh. Okay, cool.

Well, I had fun.

Dinner was fun.
What we did after was fun.

I had a good time.
‐ Me, too, with the fun.

Fun, fun, fun was had by all.

‐ Hey, Jules, you know I'm not looking
for anything serious, right?

I'm down to just... keep it casual.

‐ Yeah. That was my instinct, too.

Just got home, u up?

...favorite features.

Wow.
‐ Yeah, and‐and when...

when you see it,
it looks just like the trailer.

Oh, don't, but just be careful,
you know,

you don't wanna touch it,
'cause the pieces, they're hard to find.

Good evening, ladies.
Good evening.

You look very good this evening.

I know that you weren't expecting me.

Everybody wants to meet Charlie, right?

Well, here's the thing, I have some news.

Uh, there is not going to be

the mixer that you expected tonight.

‐
What?

‐ Oh, my God!

‐ What? What's happening?

‐ Jules.
‐ That means he's made his decision.

I'm gonna be sick.

‐ Sorry, my sleep schedule's
all messed up.

Apparently this whole casual sex thing

means you can only hang out
in the middle of the night.

‐ Wow! Look at you go, baby slut.

Well, I hope he's taking care of
your needs, if you know what I mean.

Like, are you orgasming?
‐ Yeah, I was with you.

‐ It is ridiculous
that we even need to ask that.

I mean, could you
imagine men asking each other

if they're achieving orgasm
with repeat sexual partners?

"Duh, Kyle, how's it going
with that girl you're fucking?

Has she made you come yet?"

‐ Let's just say it's going well.

I'm ignoring my instincts like you said.

I'm just feeling a little weird...
like health‐wise.

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

‐ No, babe, you need to go to the gyno.

I mean, you have to take
that stuff seriously.

Have I told you what happened
to my astrologist friend

who was sleeping
with that guy who had herpes?

‐ No, what happened?
‐ I mean... she got herpes.

‐ Wait, how is it going
with you and your not‐boyfriend?

‐ I think you guys were right.
I guess I have to break up with him.

‐ Don't do it over text!

‐ God, yeah, that's so mean.
Haven't you ever been dumped before?

You know what, forget I said that.

‐ No, Stella, this guy thinks
you're seriously dating.

You have to actually break up with him.
‐ Okay, so I'll do it in person.

But should I do it
before we have sex or after,

'cause I feel like in the middle
might be a little weird.

‐ Um, I think having sex
might blur the message?

Like, can't you go over there and...
not immediately have sex with him?

‐ No.
‐ You need a buffer.

Someone who can make
any situation totally non‐sexual.

‐ Jules, do you have a second plunger?

‐ Our generation of women
have been so shamed

out of wanting
to put a label on things,

Stella literally didn't know
she had a boyfriend.

It's insane to me.

‐ I feel like your head's somewhere else.
And also, it's pretty muffled down there.

‐ Do you, uh, know if you're free
yet this weekend?

I'm being invited to things.
‐ I'll have to let you know.

‐ Okay.

Uh, well, there's this big party
my college friend Paul throws every year.

Lots of drunk people,
people getting naked in the pool...

Maybe I'll go to that.
‐ Cool. Sounds like fun.

‐ So it doesn't bother you?

‐ Do you want it to bother me?

Fine, it bothers me. Don't go.

‐ You can't control me!
‐ Madison, hey, whoa.

Wh‐What are we talking about?

‐ Look, you can't commit to any plans,
so... so what am I?

Your girlfriend?

Your fuck buddy?

I keep telling Jules to keep
her relationships casual,

yet here I am obsessing
about what this is.

‐ Okay, okay. We are in a relationship.
That's what we're doing.

‐ Yeah, but what kind of a relationship?
Is this just about sex to you?

‐ Well, at this specific moment,
it was, yes.

‐
‐ Okay. I think whatever I say right now,

it's not gonna be the right thing,
so I'm gonna just go and have a shower.

‐ I can't believe you said that.

‐ Okay.

Sorry I got held up.

I was just performing
a safe, legal abortion.

Well, I have some bad news.

You've caught something.

‐ Oh God. An STD?

‐ It can be sexually transmitted.

You've caught feelings.

‐ Feelings?

‐ Yes. Feelings for the guy
you're hooking up with.

‐ That's impossible.
He's a grown man who plays with Legos.

‐ Feelings are always a risk
whenever you are sexually active.

Now, were you using protection?

Hooking up with at least
two other people?

‐ No.

‐ Look, I see a lot of young women
come in with these symptoms.

Okay?
You may find this literature helpful.

And you'll want to avoid contact
with that partner for a few weeks.

‐ Wait, shouldn't I tell the guy
so he can get tested too?

That's good.

Oh, no, men cannot get this.

‐ Hey.

It really is lovely to meet
one of Stella's friends.

I'm always telling her to bring
people around.

It's such a stupidly big place
for no one to be in so much of the time.

‐ Oh yeah.
Stupidly big.

‐ Ollie, can you get
some more wine, please?

‐ Yeah.

‐ I'll come!

Um...

I'm trying to learn how
to use a wine opener.

I always drop the cork in, ha ha.
Dumb Izzy.

So, Oliver...

you know why Stella invited me
here tonight, right?

‐ Uh, not for the wine opening lessons?

‐ She wanted me to help you
understand that...

You know how you guys have gotten
into this like, conventional,

man‐woman‐house‐beep‐boop
kind of thing?

‐ Uh‐huh?

‐ Stella's just not super, like...

beep‐boop, straight‐and‐narrow,
white‐picket‐fence‐y.

You... you feel me?

‐ Um... I can't quite say that I do.

‐ Um...

Stella thinks you're awesome, right?

It's just that,
the way she feels about you

is like the way she feels about me.

‐ Oh.

Oh. I think I understand.

‐ That's awesome.
So we're on the same page?

Simpatico?

Capisce?

‐ We're on the same page.

‐ Great.

If you could also show me the wine opener
thing, though, I... wasn't lying.

I'm bad at that.

‐ Okay, you were right.

The best cinematic depiction of cats
is Disney's Aristocats.

‐ They're animals,
but they still have their sophistication.

Well, next do we do Homeward Bound
or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties?

‐ You know we don't only have to watch
movies about cats, right?

‐ I don't follow.
Are there other types of movies?

‐ Just shut up and put on Garfield.

‐ Operation Heartbreak: achieved.

He totally gets it, you just wanna be
friends, we're all on the same page.

‐ Really?
‐ Stella, babe, look at me.

Same. Page.

You're. Welcome.
‐

You good?

‐ All good.

‐ Oh. Uh, he's taking it very well.

Okay, okay.

Um, maybe we were on
a different part of the same page?

‐ What the fuck are you doing?
‐ Hmm?

I thought you guys wanted to‐‐

Isn't that what all that "simpatico" shit
was about?

‐ No! That was about me
breaking up with you.

Look, I tried to do this the right way,
okay, I just can't be tied down right now.

I can't be "the one" like you said
in your Instagram.

‐ My‐My Instagram?

I took that picture with my new camera.

That was a paid post for Nikon.

"The one" was the new lens I was using.

‐ Wait, so I'm just some house sitter
that you sleep with occasionally?

‐ Yes.
‐ Okay!

Then I spoke too soon
and completely misunderstood.

Now I'm feeling regretful.

Is this what you feel like all the time?
‐ Literally all the time.

‐ You're brave.
‐ Come here, you nutter.

‐ Are we really doing this?

‐ Go home, Izzy.
‐ Cool.

Cool, cool.

‐ Uh... Morning, morning.

Um... you should probably
be getting going,

because I have a workout class today
and also I'm just really not feeling well.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. But should you be working out
if you don't feel good?

‐ Oh, that's a good question, Wes.

I find that working out
actually helps my nausea,

because you sweat out the bad germs
and you breathe in the good germs.

You know, you're a vet, you get it.

‐ Thanks. I, uh...

Last night was fun. I'll... I'll call you?

‐ Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I'll text you.
Or not.

Uh, either way, thanks for the...

hang.

Uh, I'm casual.

‐ Jesus!
What are you guys doing here?

‐ I think I'll ask the questions
from here on out.

What's this?

‐ That's a sweater from one
of the many men I'm casually boinking.

‐ Strange, because it's in
a tasteful color and it's dry clean only.

This sweater has boyfriend material
written all over it.

This is not the sweater of a Lego guy.

It's the sweater of a reliable
veterinarian who you're not sleeping with.

‐ No. No.
‐ Lies!

‐ Hey! It... It's not a big deal.

We just watched movies on the couch.

‐ I'm only gonna ask you this once:
did you cuddle?

‐ At least tell us you that you got drunk
and sloppily made out.

‐ We were sober, okay?
‐

‐ Wait. You didn't even have one beer?

‐ He didn't bring any!
‐ This is the 21st century, Jules.

You should have one on you.

If you don't protect yourself,
your monogamous instincts

are gonna ruin your life.

That's it.
I know what you need.

What we all need.

We need to go to an event
that is so disgusting,

so debaucherous,
no romance can survive in its wake.

We are going to Paulapalooza.

‐
‐ Paulapa... whoza?

Okay, so this frat guy Paul
we went to college with

has been throwing himself the same party
every year on his birthday

since he was 18.

Sadly, now that he's in his 30s,

the party has gone from being
a can't‐miss campus event

to a tragic display of chubby alcoholics
trying to relive their youth.

‐ Food fight!

‐ I know. It's pretty bleak, right?

‐ It's not that.

Last night was my first chance
to experiment

like you're supposed to in your 20s.

And now my Wikipedia page
is just gonna read,

"She had a lifetime of missionary sex
and now is buried next to her parents

in a Jewish cemetery because she didn't
even have any cool tattoos."

‐ Izzy, having threesomes
doesn't make you more interesting.

‐ That's easy for you to say,
you've probably had a hundred threesomes.

‐ Oh, please, I've had like eight.
‐ I just wanted to have one.

I'm not like Jules
with her five‐year relationship,

and I'm not like you
with your sexy house‐sitting escapades.

I just wanted to have one thing
that was gonna make‐‐

‐ There.
Now you've experimented.

‐ This is so going on my Wiki.

Go!
‐

‐ This guy
is a fucking legend right here.

Best grand‐little bro ever.

‐ Oh, you guys are brothers?

‐ No, no, no. My Little Bro Thick Ricky
is his Big.

But I would legit murder somebody
for this guy.

‐ Oh, that's so sweet, Paul.
Right, Jules?

‐ Do you wanna try my Fireball
and cold brew?

It's really good.

Uh... take the phone.

‐ Oh, bro, that's all right.
‐ Yeah!

‐ Hey, Colin. Uh, it's just me calling
to keep you updated,

vis‐a‐vis me having fun without you.

This party is super crazy.

I've just been hanging out
with Tommy and Paul,

and I actually barely even
remembered to call you

because I'm having so much fun,
so... bye!

‐ Here we go, here we go!
‐ That wasn't bad.

‐ Wes, don't leave!

‐ I'm not, I was just getting a beer.

‐ Oh.

Well, that was super dramatic.

Um... what are you doing here, anyway?

‐ My college friend works with Paul.

‐ Ah.
‐ So I guess you're feeling better?

‐ I'm sorry I kicked you out.
I really did have a great time with you.

‐ I did too. That's why I was so confused
by the 5:00 AM forced exodus.

On the bright side, though,
the freeways were very clear.

‐ Yeah, my friends have just been
getting in my head lately about, uh...

not getting into something serious,
and, uh, I just kind of freaked out.

‐ What did we do that was so serious?

We watched some animated children's films,
those weren't too serious.

‐ That's true.
‐ We ate pizza...

arguably the least serious of all foods.

‐ Well, pizza could be serious.

‐ Pizza's laid‐back.

You know, pizza's sitting on a porch swing
with you, it's strumming a guitar.

‐ Strumming a guitar?
What songs does pizza know?

‐ All pizza knows is Wonderwall.
Pizza is a hack.

‐ Oooh. I don't want you to kiss me.

‐ Guess I grossly misread that situation.

‐ No, uh... I don't want you to kiss me

because of how badly
I do want you to kiss me.

And I think if you kissed me,

it would be the beginning of something
I'm not ready for.

‐ Okay. Well, I, uh...

guess I'll... see you around, Jules.

‐ Wait, just so you know, even though
I'm getting in your car right now,

I am still very elusive and hard to get.

‐ Noted.
‐ And I am not that girl

who's just at your beck and call,
who comes running to the guy

even though she doesn't know
where she stands with him.

‐ Madison, do you want to know
where you stand with me?

‐ If you need to tell me, I guess.

‐ Hey. I love you.

Okay? That's where I stand.

‐ I love you, too.

Paul!

‐ That's Paul. It's his birthday.

‐ Hey, Paul.
Hello.