Dollface (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - History Buff - full transcript

‐ Hi. Picking up for Jules?

Jules.

I’ve got a single chicken kebab plate,
single salad, and a single slice of pie.

How many utensils would you like?

‐ Um, two sets please.

‐ You don't have to do that for me.
Jeremy! Party of two!

Right this way, Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy.

Should we get on the floor?

‐ Whoa! That was insane!

‐ Yeah, little earthquake.
That’s L. A. for ya.

‐ Mmm.



Quiet on the set!
‐ I gotta get you mic'd up!

You're on in 20 seconds!
‐ On? What am I on?

‐ They told you this piece is live, right?

- The big one is coming.

Scientists say
it's a matter of when not if.

That's right, it's a virtual certainty
that, at some point,

Jules will run into her ex
with another girl.

We're joined by Dr. Jeffrey Mandlebaum,

the chairman of the Running Into Your Ex
department at Johns Hopkins University.

Dr. Mandlebaum, thanks for being here.
You say the remarkable thing is, actually,

that Jules hasn't run into Jeremy
on a date yet.

‐ Well, the key issues
are Jeremy's increasing Bumble use

coupled with the terrifying proximity
of his home to Jules',

not to mention the radius
of their typical movements.



Now, the main danger zone extends

all the way up to
that Italian restaurant they both like

to the coffee shop
with the extremely tatted‐up barista.

But we can’t rule out run‐ins
over an even larger radius,

perhaps even as far as that unbelievably
cute little bar on Third Street

and the movie theater that serves wine.

‐ And Congress has done nothing
to address this?

‐ That's unfortunately true.

But the scarier thing is what people
aren’t doing for themselves.

Surveys show that more than 80%
of recently broken‐up‐with people

don't have a plan for the big one.

‐ And now in an exclusive interview,
we have Jules Wiley herself.

Jules, what have you done
to prepare for the big one?

‐ Um, I'm just kinda hoping
I can avoid it.

‐ This is typical of the nonsense that
I hear from uninformed exes every day.

Makes me question
why I even became a scientist.

‐ Hey, I could be the one on the date.
You don’t know.

‐ There you have it.
The kind of insane delusional thinking

that is, to me, a searing indictment

of the state of Jules’ preparation
for the big one

and perhaps of her very right to exist.

Our story when we come back:
is sexting getting hotter?

And if so, is the cause man‐made?

‐ You're each a rare
and special gem in my life.

So if any one of you
die in a natural disaster

because you were unprepared,

I will literally find a way to revive you
and then kill you.

‐ Oh. Ha. That was very sweet almost.

‐ All right, everyone take notes.

You are only allowed to die
when Madison gives you permission to.

‐ Okay, that minor earthquake could be
an indication that a bigger one is coming.

Having a well‐packed earthquake kit
is the only thing that can save you,

which is why I need to make sure
all of yours are up to code.

Izzy?

‐ Okay.

‐ Izzy, you're supposed to pack
non‐perishable food.

‐ I thought in an emergency you want to
save foods that could perish.

‐ False.
Jules?

This isn't a kit.

It’s the items they provide for you
at a woman’s prison.

‐ For free?

‐ Literally, what would
any of you do without me?

Stella?

‐ Uh, yeah, so I was gonna make one,

but then I decided
I really didn’t want to.

‐ I always love you,
but sometimes I don't like you.

‐ Madison, you’re stressing about
something you have no control over.

Look, I never worry about stuff,
and somehow it always works out.

‐ How am I supposed
to go to sleep at night

knowing one of my best friends
is out there completely unprepared?

‐ Wine and Ambien.
They work best in combination.

‐ Okay, you all failed

and are now crawling around
a post‐earthquake mayhem,

offering hand jobs for stale candy bars.

This is how it's done.

Paleo canned food items.

Miniatures of my entire skin care routine.

Nine vacuum‐sealed outfits ranging
from casual chic to black‐tie optional.

A female‐centric first‐aid kit
where everything is scented.

And‐‐ some may say this is overkill‐‐
a flashlight.

‐ Um, why would you need formal‐wear
after an earthquake?

‐ If Brad Pitt comes
to rebuild your house,

what will you be wearing?

Uh, Madison, why do you have
my passport I lost four years ago

when I was supposed to go base‐jumping
in Bhutan with Jaden Smith?

‐ Oh, gosh, I don’t know!
How did that get in there?

Anyway, how cute is this little jar?

I just I love it when they take
normal‐sized things

and make them smaller.
Don't you love that?

‐ Madison, stop trying to distract me.
I’m not four years old.

‐ Of course you’re not!
Anyway, that is my kit.

‐ I missed going on that trip
because I couldn’t find my passport.

Why did you take it?
‐ Ugh. Fine.

You know how you said things
always “somehow” work out for you?

Meet Somehow.
It's me.

Behind the scenes, pulling the strings,

making sure all my precious little dolls
stay in mint condition.

‐ Well, I’m gonna draw the line
at precious dolls.

‐ I’d just like to point out

that someone’s being weirder
than I am right now.

‐ Whatever. Look, I intervene
to keep you safe from time to time.

‐ Time to time?
When else have you done this?

Madison, tell me
when else you’ve done this,

or the La Mer's gonna get it.

‐ You wouldn't!
It’s a mini and it’s still $300 a jar!

‐ Just tell her! Just tell her!

‐ All right! All right.

I took the Dan Hackett glove.

‐ Okay, shut your mouth
and start talking.

Here. Happy?

‐ Okay, what's going on with this glove?

‐ Look, I can explain‐‐
‐ I find people talking about

stories I’m not a part of
to be very triggering of middle school.

‐ You're literally going
to find out this second.

‐ So, we went on this ski trip last year

and got stuck on this chair lift
with this guy Stella thought was nice.

But we didn’t have our phones,
so he wrote his number on Stella’s glove.

‐ Which I thought I lost.
But if the glove fits...

‐ I just had a teeny tiny nagging feeling
that the guy was 100% a sociopath.

‐ He was unbelievably sweet.

‐ You just have to trust me on this.
‐ No. I don't trust you on this.

You don't make my decisions for me.
Okay? I am a grown woman.

And my decisions will be made
solely by the universe.

In fact, I'm gonna call him right now

and invite him to pregame with us
before Santa‐Con tomorrow.

‐ At my home?!
Oh, you are not!

‐ Too late.
It's already ringing.

‐ So, are we, like,
married to the Santa‐Con plan?

Because that’s Jeremy’s absolute favorite
Christmas‐themed bar crawl,

and I really don’t want to run into him.
I mean, what if he’s there with a girl?

‐ We’re going.
Look, this is a class‐A Gram‐able event,

and the only girls at Santa‐Con
you need to worry about are in this room.

I mean, and if you do run into Jeremy,

it’ll be under
the best possible circumstances‐‐

surrounded by your best friends,
lookin' like sexy Santas.

Look, we will protect you.

‐ For some reason that room‐temp
supermarket sushi isn’t sitting right.

‐ Kitchen! Get in here!

Pretty good, right?

‐ Did you start drinking
before we got here?

‐ Maybe.
Wow, Izzy!

You look...

...specific.
‐ I'm Hanukkah Harry.

That guy writing his number on the glove

inspired me to write my number on challah
so I can do this.

Challah at ya girl.

‐ So, Stell, I see you came to your senses
and decided not to invite Dan.

‐ On the contrary, Dan’s on his way over,
and my senses are nowhere to be found.

‐ You know what?

This is gonna be
a fun learning experience.

We can both learn what happens
when I don’t step in to protect you.

I'm gonna propose a deal.
‐ Hmm. I'm listening.

‐ If at the end of the night
you don’t agree with me

that Dan is a full psycho
who should have been avoided,

I will never intervene in your life again.

But if I'm right,
you have to make an earthquake kit.

‐ Fine.
And in the case

that you're actually the full‐blown psycho
and Dan's a sweet guy,

what unbiased judge
are we gonna have make that call?

‐ My grandma was sorority sisters
with Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

so in terms of being a judge,
it’s, like, in my blood.

‐ Hi!
‐ Oh, wow! Hi, Stella!

You look amazing!
‐ Thank you. Come on in.

‐ I was gonna bring you flowers,
but on the way over I met a homeless lady

who seemed like she was having a bad day.
- Oh, how sweet.

‐ It looks like I didn't get
the "dress like Santa" memo.

Oh, Hanukkah Harry!
I love that.

I'm Dan, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.

‐ Shabbat shalom and enchanté.

‐ Well, aren't you two
becoming fast friends.

Oh, Madison, I'm sure you remember Dan.

‐ Yeah. It's good to see you again.
Your place is both awesome and amazing.

‐ Oh, I certainly do remember Dan.

From the acclaimed docudrama
“Creating a Killer,”

which investigated the brutal slaying
of nursing student Lucy Gallagher

on a blind date at Panera Bread.
‐ Wait, what?

‐ Yeah, it's true.
It happened in my home town.

They even interviewed me for one episode
as a random witness.

I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.

‐ Oh, Dan, you're being modest.

I’m sure your new friend Izzy here
would love to know more about the case.

Which, to this day, remains unsolved.

‐ Well, as a non‐partisan listener
of this story,

I'd love to know more details, please.

‐ Oh, we don't have to‐‐
‐ The Bread Bowl Killing.

An unidentified suspect
joined Lucy at Panera Bread

where they shared a clam chowder
bread bowl that sadly would be her last.

Hours later,
Lucy’s body was found dismembered

in a dumpster behind the restaurant.

‐ Oh, my God, that's so gross!
They were sharing soup? Ugh!

‐ Police have reason to believe

that the mystery man
who ate from that doughy dish

is the very killer
who sent her to her grain‐based grave.

‐ Madison, that's what this is about?

You’re seriously implying
that Dan killed someone

based off of a murder show
that you binged?

Look, Stella, it's okay.
I understand.

People get really into
these true crime stories.

But since you brought it up,
I actually have celiac disease.

So, even the smallest amount of gluten
will make me violently ill.

‐ Well, Dan, call me a superfan,
but, uh...

If you have celiac disease,
then what was your car doing

outside of a Panera Bread
in the first place?

They never explained it on the show.

‐ Oh, well, I was just running errands.

You see,
ever since my mom lost her second job,

I've had to pick up the slack
around the house

and help out with my mee‐moo.
That's my Grandma.

‐ Are you a living angel?

That's right, Iz.

You could say that Dan embodies
the Christmas spirit and all things good.

I mean, thank goodness
I called him to reconnect.

I'll cheers to that.

Why don't we have
some of these egg nog shots?

- Oh, yeah.

‐ I'm gonna go see where Jules is.

‐ More for us.
‐ Yeah!

- Hello?
- Jules?

Hey.
‐ Where are you?

‐ I’m sorry.
I had to drop off a gift basket

at this silent auction charity thing
at the museum for Woom.

You know what?
Now that I think about it,

it’s gonna take me, like,
45 minutes to get to you,

so, maybe I should just
head home after this.

Oh, you are being so crazy!

Look, I need you to help me convince Izzy
to convince Stella

that Stella's date is a murderer.

I'm sorry.
What were you saying about me being crazy?

‐ Look, I'll explain it all to you
when you get here.

But trust me, you are not going
to run into Jeremy at Santa‐con.

‐ Uh, you're right.
‐ Thanks. Wait, that was too easy. Why?

‐ Because he's here.

With a girl.

‐
‐

‐ The last thing I just heard Jules say

is that her fuckboy ex‐boyfriend
is on a fucking date at the museum.

We've got to get downtown.
Izzy, call a Lyft!

‐ Are you okay?
‐ Yeah.

‐ First, we get stuck on a ski lift,
and now the earth literally moves.

I must be your bad luck charm.

‐ Oh, I guess she has that in common
with the late Lucy Gallagher,

who was just two credits shy
from getting her nursing degree.

‐ Honestly, Madison,
your memory for this stuff is incredible.

‐ Mmm, Madison's like an elephant
except a lot smaller and easier to harm.

‐ Okay, I got one.
Outside in two minutes. Let's go.

‐ Here for Izzy?

‐ Uh, what the fuck is that?

‐ It's a Lyft.
‐ No, Lyfts have doors.

And engines.

And an aux cord.

‐ Well, I'll have you know
this is registered with the app

and technically meets
all the requirements.

But if you want music,
I do carol for tips.

‐ Izzy, cancel this asshole
and get another car.

‐ It says no other cars are available.
‐ Is anyone sober enough to drive?

‐ Looks like the earthquake took out
all the traffic lights or something.

It's bumper‐to‐bumper out there.

‐ Unless, of course,
you don't have a bumper.

‐
Nice. Good one.

‐ All right.

‐ You guys, we've got to get Jules!
Come on!

‐ Well, Mrs. Claus,
looks like I'm your Christmas miracle.

‐ This is fun.

Is this seriously how fast it goes?

Jules, talk to me.
What’s happening?

‐ Oh, you know, not much.

My ex‐boyfriend is on a date

with an individual I can only assume
is a Victoria’s Secret Model,

and there was a giant earthquake

that caused the museum
to go into emergency lock‐down.

Also, I'm dressed like a mall Santa.

‐ A mall Santa?

What happened to the costume
I sent you a link for?

Well, I opened the link but then I got
this one instead because it had pockets.

‐ It's a fucking disaster.

Okay, listen to me.
It's not that bad.

We're on our way to you now.

And in the meantime, find a place
to hide, and we'll be there soon.

The male of the species would choose

the most desirable mate for reproduction,

leaving the less desirable females
outside the protection of the tribe.

‐
‐

Where are you going?
I'm exploring.

Are you trying to get is in trouble?

If you set off an alarm,
I'm running for it.

You wouldn't!

Can you run in those heels?
Watch me!

‐ Hey, come back here!
‐ Never!

‐ Looks like we’re definitely missing
our dinner reservations.

‐ Well, at least we're getting
a private tour.

So, what should we do now?

Bone,

the building block
of the vertebrae organism.

‐ Ugh, this can't be happening!

- I know. It's crazy, right?
- What?

Hey!

You and your wife need to
get back to the main lobby!

‐ It’s only been a month,
but message received.

‐ Well, you're obviously a great couple,

but we’re rounding everyone up
for a head count.

‐ I'm sorry, Stella.
I have to give this one to Izzy.

Mariah Carey's
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"

is my number one holiday jam.

‐ Marry him.

‐ Madison, I'm sure
this must be hard for you.

But just think of it this way:

you don't have to get me
a Christmas gift this year.

Because winning this bet
is the only thing I want.

‐ Oh, look what I have here!
‐ Is it the Mariah video?

‐ No, actually.
It’s a list of retailers

in the Panera Bread strip mall
where Dan’s car was mysteriously parked.

You were doing errands, right?

Let's see, there's Sassy Nails,
Stubby's Dog Wash and Groomer,

and Chuck E. Cheese.

‐ Okay, we’re gonna need to make a quick
stop to the nearest mental hospital.

‐ It's okay, Stella.
It was so many years ago.

Nobody can remember what errands they run
a couple of years ago, right?

‐ Well, those are all the stores, Dan.

And I guess I just find it hard to believe
that you don’t remember

getting a pedicure, owning a dog,
or having a child.

Unless, of course, you were lying about
not being at Panera Bread.

I don't know.
What do you think, Izzy?

‐ You do make a lot of strong points.
‐ Izzy, what happened to "marry him"?

‐ Well, nine times out of ten,
it's the husband who did it.

‐ Not a breathable fabric.

‐ Oh, my God! I look like a mess!

Do I look terrible?

‐ You?
Uh, no, you don't look terrible.

You look upsettingly attractive.

‐ Really? I mean...

I borrowed this dress
from my roommate the last minute.

You know when you just don’t feel good
in what you’re wearing?

‐ Um...

I suppose I can imagine
what that feels like.

‐ You know, I think I’m just nervous,

'cause I'm dating this guy
that I really like

and I got tickets for this thing
through work.

And I was just worried
he was gonna think this was really lame,

but he's been really sweet
about coming to this thing.

And then we get trapped here
because of an earthquake?

I mean, what are the chances?

‐ Astronomically low,
and yet, somehow,

this is the situation
which we find ourselves.

‐ You know, it's just really nice
to be dating a guy

who’s, like, excited to come to a museum

instead of getting drunk in a sports bar
or something, you know?

‐ He was?

Yeah, that's... definitely unexpected.

‐ I should go.
I don't want him to think I'm pooping.

Oh.

Thank you... so... much. Ha!

‐ Thank you for visiting the bathroom!

Where I work.

‐ And if you look to your right,
you’ll see LA’s famous La Brea Tar Pits.

‐ Ooh!

‐ Oh!

Okay, Jules, what's the situation?

‐ Well, I'm still trapped in this museum,

trapped in an alternate reality
where Jeremy likes museums,

trapped in a layer of polyester
designed for outdoor gift distribution,

not to mention they have
the fucking Sherlock Holmes

of museum security guards
hunting down stragglers.

It’s only a matter of time
before Jeremy sees me like this.

‐ Okay, Jules,
I am not gonna let that happen.

Now, where are you
and what do we have to work with?

‐ Uh, let’s see...
fossil kits, astronaut ice cream,

scissors where the handle
is a dinosaur’s mouth.

‐ Okay, I think I’ve seen enough
"Project Runway" to get you through this.

Now, here’s what you have to do.

‐ Jules, hi!

‐ Hey, Jeremy. How's it going?

‐ Miss, you’re being detained
for looting during a museum disaster.

‐ Whoa. What are you doing?
She works here!

‐ Nice to see you again.

Knees up, reindeer.

‐ I've gone nine miles!

‐ Nine down and one to go.

‐ If anyone needs provisions,
I’ve got challah to spare.

Don’t worry.
The permanent marker is okay to eat.

‐ Izzy, stop stalling.

It’s time to come down with a verdict
now that you’ve had a chance to review

the unbelievably convincing evidence.

‐ Did you say "verdict"?
‐ Jesus, Madison.

I almost wish he did kill someone
just to get you to shut up.

‐ For the record,
I haven't killed anyone.

Oh, I will happily shut up

when I win the bet and watch you
put together your earthquake kit.

‐ Well you know what?
I won’t even need an earthquake kit

when I move to the East Coast next year.

‐ What the hell are you talking about?

‐ I applied to a bunch of business schools
on the East Coast.

So, if I get in, I'm moving.

‐ Wait, how could you not tell me that?

‐ Because you always try to control
everything I do in my life

because you think I'm an idiot.

Sorry, that’s not the vote
of confidence I needed

when I’m already worried enough
about getting in.

‐ Um, guys?

Of course I don't think you're an idiot.

Look, I think you're amazing.

The reason I intervene is because
if something were to happen to you

that I could have prevented,
I wouldn’t be okay.

‐ Guys!

‐ I know it makes you feel good
to be in control of everything,

but if you just trusted yourself
a little bit more,

you wouldn’t have to worry so much.

‐ Guys!

‐ Uh, Dan? What are you doing?

‐ Well, I just figured this is
a bit of a friendship tiff,

so I'm just gonna give you some space
and let you guys work it out.

‐ I thought you said
you had celiac disease.

‐ And that’s why you couldn’t be
the Bread Bowl Killer.

‐ Stella, come on.
I was just absent‐mindedly having some.

You know, absent‐minded bread.

Seriously, I didn't even realize
I was eating.

You guys are being crazy!
‐ No one is being crazy.

We're all being very calm.

Why are you guys acting so scared?

I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't kill anyone.

I mean, look at me.

Do I look like somebody
who could kill someone?

All right. All right, fine.

Madison, you were right.
I did know where I was that night.

You wanna know the truth? Huh?

You want that confession
you've been angling for all day?

I wasn't there that night.

Because I was masturbating in my car.

‐ I’m sorry, did you just say‐‐
‐ Look, the Panera Bread, right?

You said there was a Chuck E. Cheese.

‐ Dan, don't say anything
you might regret.

‐ I have a very normal fetish.

In fact, there's hundreds of us
in my Reddit group.

‐ Oh, Jesus!
‐ What is happening?

‐ I am sexually attracted
to mascot characters.

There. I said it.

That's my big secret.

So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.

Because I was in my car
parked outside of a Chuck E. Cheese

pleasuring myself to completion.

Feels really good
to share that with you guys.

Thank you for not judging me.

Anyway, I really can’t wait
to meet your friend, Jules.

I'm really not supposed to
let you do this.

‐ She's got it.
‐ Soul Cycle. First row, baby!

Time to save our girl.
‐ And tap it back!

Excuse me, do you know
where the nearest Build‐a‐Bear is?

‐ Ma’am, it's still America in here.
You promised me a phone call.

‐ Just me.

‐ Oh.

‐ Is that a... prison shiv?

‐ This thing is cutting off
the circulation to my wrists, okay?

‐ No, it's...
it's very resourceful.

I just... I feel like I should be
looking around for toilet wine.

‐ I’m sorry, did you come all the way
down here just to make fun of me?

‐ I couldn't resist a captive audience.

‐ Okay. No, no, no, keep going.
This is great.

I mean, running into you on a date
with a supermodel wasn’t bad enough.

‐ Jules, she's not a supermodel.

‐ Aw, she's not?

‐ Well, I mean, she’s a model,
but it’s, like, mostly Instagram stuff.

‐ God, Jeremy.
What are you even doing here?

I thought if I was gonna run into you
it would be at SantaCon.

‐ Was that today? I...

‐ You really wanted to go?
‐ I really, really wanted to go, yeah.

‐ Why are you at a museum charity event?
You hate this kind of thing.

‐ I'm here because of February 3rd.

‐ February 3rd?
‐ Yeah, free museum day. You remember?

You made a huge deal about
how all the museums in L. A. are free

and you really wanted us to go,

but then Cam had people over for beer pong
and we did that instead.

You didn't say anything,
but I could tell you were bummed and...

I always felt guilty about that
so when

Melyssa asked me
to go to this thing, I just...

I don't know, I just thought I should...

try harder than I used to.
‐ Wow.

I didn't realize you felt bad about that.

‐ Wait. Why were you
gonna be at SantaCon?

‐ I guess 'cause of February 3rd.

Wait.

‐ That was the day I shouldn’t have
watched my boyfriend

play beer pong with his friends

and just called my friends
and gone to a museum with them.

‐ She's got this.
‐ Yeah, she does.

‐ Instead, I neglected them
and resented you.

So, that's why SantaCon.

‐ Well, I'm happy for you.

‐ Yeah. Me too.

‐ All right, ma'am.
Jules‐‐

Don't say a word.
If you don’t release this woman right now,

you are sitting on the biggest
museum PR disaster

since the Vandermeer Gallery
tried to cover the breasts in a Picasso.

She was bringing gifts
to a charity fundraiser at Christmastime!

This is a war on charity,
a war on giving!

And it’s a Starbucks‐red‐cupping,
happy‐holidays‐saying,

carol‐censoring, Santa‐slaying
war on Christmas!

‐ I also left 40 bucks
on the gift shop counter.

‐ Oh, you did?
Well, that stuff doesn't cost 40 bucks.

You're free to go.
We'll send you your change.

‐ It was good running into you.

‐ Hey, you good?
‐ Yeah, I'm good.

But thank you, guys, for coming to get me
in this, uh, not‐a‐car.

‐ Of course!
‐ Ugh, today has been insane.

But what matters is we survived.

‐ Everyone except for Lucy Gallagher,
may she rest in peace.

‐ Wait. Who?
The Bread Bowl Killer.

The brutal slaying of nursing student
Lucy Gallagher at Panera Bread,

which to this day remains unsolved.

An unidentified suspect‐‐
Hey, can you stop with that?

Oh, you're just mad because I won.

Someone catch me up here.

It's really just that classic case
of masturbation vs. murder

when you're trying to decide
if a guy is a good person or not.